Chapter Text
She couldn’t believe it.
To have been dead for what, two years, was certainly one thing, but the way he treated her was a very exasperating second thing.
“You’re in the presence of a legend. And a ghost.”
She had to hide her irritation in the moment, figuring it was merely shock he was dealing with. She couldn’t blame him for that- it was certainly jarring to see him again after the last moment she had even recalled with him.
What was supposed to be a routine mission going immensely haywire as the ship’s hull was shredded into nothingness. The fires and wreckage of the Normandy still burn around her at this moment, reminded of how she had ordered him to enter one of many evacuating escape pods. How he had attempted to chastise her for not taking care of herself, how she had chosen such harsh words to bite back at him instead.
“That’s an order, Alenko. Get the hell out of here!”
Though he had tried once again to convince her this wasn’t something she had to do alone, the commander had other ideas. Having pushed him towards the way, she left him in her wake as she headed for the cockpit to get Joker. The last exact thing she remembered was him calling out, only to turn tail and help evacuate the rest of the crew into the pod.
Then there had been evacuating Joker and not making it in time, dying in order to save his life and all that, but Tori found herself very much still trying to process that. The hyperventilating was a surprise to her, almost reminiscent of the oxygen leaving her lungs before everything went black. Before she lost everything.
And here, it seemed she was truly losing everything.
Her squadmates at the time had been Miranda and Grunt- the Cerberus biotic had insisted she come along, clearly wanting to monitor the yielding of the Lazarus project. It wasn’t like Miranda wasn’t helpful- her biotics were genuinely useful, but it was strange to think about how Victoria had gone from being a human spectre to being reduced to an asset by Cerberus. That was something she could let her mind dwell on later. Her other assistant, the krogan, had been told the colony was attacked by collectors, and wanted first hand experience of them. The last thing Tori was going to do was have an annoyed krogan on her end.
They had managed to decimate what they could of the collectors, but even then by the time they destroyed the Praetorian it was still too late. Most of the colonists had been taken by collectors, and the one who survived seemed more than enraged they had taken so long in the first place. Tori found herself more than accepting of this disappointment- it seemed no matter how hard she ever tried anymore, there was always something to lose. And then the lieutenant showed up.
It was such a sharp moment of relief- finally, something was actually familiar to her after so long. Everything felt so alienated, so different, and maybe it had been two years, but damn it, Shepard barely felt like herself in her own body. How was she even sure it was hers?
But it had only taken a moment of doubt from the way he looked at her; the suspicious glare, the lack of a smile, the distant memory of any friendliness completely wiped off of his face. There was no “ Welcome back,” or a ,” I missed you”, no, instead, she was greeted with a sharp look of, “ Who are you?”
I wish I knew.
It had seemingly disappeared in an instant as he grew closer, eyes blinking and widening before approaching her in a hug, holding her in arms she once remembered. The moment came and went, and when he withdrew she found herself growing more and more afraid of just what was to come next. Internally, she pleaded- please, Kaidan, you of everyone can’t just forget who I am, please.
The cerberus-branded squad that she sported seemed more than enough to convince him that something was wrong. The once warm comfort of the hug grew colder with every passing second that they stood apart, a gaze of both confusion and disgust. Why?
Even his voice no longer bore the same warmth it did mere seconds ago. Instead, his tone seemed more accusative, so desperate to shift blame for everything he had been through. “Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”
As if it was her fault. As if it was her fault for putting the lives of everyone else in the Normandy before her own- for dying all those years ago, for so much as wanting to show her face again. As if she had any control over the Lazarus project, any say about her body being brought back from beyond the grave.
Despite gritting her teeth, despite the clear antagonizing from him, Commander Shepard kept her calm. Instead, she tried to bandage the wound- the two year old wound left in both of them- as best as she could.
“I was out for two years. You’ve moved on with your career and your life. Why reopen old wounds?” This, in itself, was sort of a rhetorical question. You’ve moved on already, haven’t you? Truth be told, she couldn’t blame him if he had, and was certain she would’ve done the same in his spot. That didn’t make it hurt any less, but she was going to do her best to offer some reasoning to the mess of her life at present.
The second of reflection before speaking had already given her enough of an answer. Of course. His words were tentative, as though hoping for a reason to change what he said. “I did move on. At least I thought I did.” You thought? Perhaps all wasn’t lost just yet. “But now we’ve got reports of you and Cerberus.” It all came back to Cerberus in the end.
“ Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren’t dead. That you were working for the enemy.”
It was bad enough she had a Cerberus operative with her, let alone their insignia on her outfit. Though she grimaced for a second, she huffed. “Look. Our colonies are disappearing. The alliance turned its back on them- Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it.” She lingers, desperate to verbalize but instead keeping to herself an additional line of, And they were the only ones willing to bring me back. Why can’t you see that?
“You can’t really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is like. What they’re capable of.” He no longer bore any resemblance to the lieutenant that Tori had once remembered. That she had so much as dared to even consider having loved once. How could the man she had been the most vulnerable to turn her away like this? All because of her situation?! Still, he went on, going so far as to criticize her. “I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this. You’ve turned your back on everything we stood for!”
This was all too much for the Commander. Her voice cracked, chest heaving as she swallowed and tried so so hard to plead with him. This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be happening. “Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself- The collectors are targeting human colonies, and they’re working with the Reapers!”
Kaidan offered her nothing but a glance before averting it to the ground. Furrowing his brow, he raised a fist to his forehead before lowering it to his side. “I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don’t trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they’re behind it? What if they’re working with the collectors?”
For once, someone besides the arguing pair spoke up, and by God did Tori wish she had never spoken. Or even came along, for that matter, as Miranda snided, “Typical alliance attitude. You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re blind to the real threat.” This isn’t the time for you!
Still desperate to try to salvage what little she could of this shattering interaction, Tori added on, “You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts.”
That had only earned her a fierce look of distaste from her former lieutenant. “Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight.”
No. No, no no no, don’t fucking do this to me. Even after everything- after Illos, for fuck’s sake, he was so willing to just… throw it all away?! Alenko continued, shaking his head. “You’ve changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an alliance soldier. Always will be. I’ve got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.” Slowly, he finally turned away, seemingly to leave.
She had already lost him two years ago. The last thing Shepherd could do was this entire bullshit again. “Don’t go. Kaidan, please , what if you just joined my crew? It’ll be just like old times.”
The last words he spoke to her were sharp and to the point. “No. It won’t. I’ll never work for Cerberus.” There was nothing more she could do or say or prove to get him to return as he headed away. It was over.
Now she truly had nothing left to lose.
Face hot and eyes watering, the commander’s voice cracked yet again as she announced over the comms, “Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this damn colony.”
An unfortunate amount of the crew had been made more than well aware of the Commander’s shift in attitude. No longer was she as carefree or good humored- instead, she kept quiet and to herself. She couldn’t afford to make herself vulnerable again. Not like that. Not if it meant losing everything again. How much loss could she take? Of her own body? Her own life- her old life? Why did she have to sacrifice so much? To save the universe, or so the council would tell her?
And what had the universe done for her? When she returned, everything around her felt like it fell apart. The only squadmates she even still had were Tali and Garrus, and while she really appreciated them, even they hadn’t been the same. Nothing was what it had been before, and nothing could be the same. Everything was nothing but an empty mirror of what it used to be.
The commander sat in her cabin, mulling in discontent. It had been a week now since Horizon, and she still couldn’t believe everything that had gone down. Just recollecting everything made her fist clench up- I should’ve decked that idiot right where he stood for that. With a sigh, she relaxed her fist, staring at her palm before shaking her head. No, I couldn’t have. That would’ve probably made things so much worse than they already were. Nothing could fix what had come between the two.
Ping!
Hm? Victoria stared at the device that had gone off, a small alert from her emails. Tapping at the device, she hoped it hadn’t been some spam that had interrupted her brooding, only to freeze at the name of the sender.
No fucking way.
Lieutenant Alenko had a lot of nerve to send what he did, sending Shepard into yet another whirlwind of emotions. He was sorry for what he said. He had struggled so much with survivors' guilt and had even attempted to move on with someone- though it seemed he certainly didn’t feel anything for this interaction. That had made the next paragraph all too gut wrenching for her.
I guess I really don’t know who either of us is anymore. At least there was something they could agree on, even if it was limited. He begged for her to be careful, and that he couldn’t bear it if he lost her again.
Nope. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t let him so easily weasel himself out of her life as he was hoping for. Furious, she found herself typing away, almost startled by how quickly she had managed to finish writing a reply, finger hovering over the send button. What even made her think she could get a reply out of him?
Because the Kaidan I know wouldn’t so easily go through with this stupid choice.
She hit send. She didn’t even care if he didn’t read it. She’d haunt his life- if that was what he considered it- and his inbox.
Kaidan Alenko hadn’t expected a reply to his shoddy attempt at an apology. He knew he didn’t deserve the Commanders forgiveness, but the fact she had taken a moment of her time to write a response was both frightening and yet incredibly something she would’ve done. That didn’t make it feel any less artificial, staring at it and wondering if this was just junk that Cerberus made her type up. No, he tried to reason with himself, she had already tried to recruit me and let me go. There was no reason that Cerberus would want to try to find him again.
But it seemed Shepard was a different story.
To my dear Lieutenant,
Presidium Commons. 19:00 IST.
Tori Shepard
He wasn’t sure if this was a death threat or a date. Knowing Shepard, it was far more likely to be a mix of both. A lump formed in his throat, hesitating over the delete button. Don’t do this. You can’t just pretend like everything didn’t just happen. You can still move on with your life. You don’t need Commander Shepard.
That much was true. But damn it, his wants didn’t match his needs. He had to give the Commander one last try, right? That was only fair, wasn't it?
“Lieutenant? Is everything alright?” One of his coworkers had piped up, noting his hesitance over his inbox.
“Fine. Everything’s fine.” Archiving the email, he set a reminder on his Omni-Tool. He’d have to get to the Citadel by tomorrow, and pull the best excuse he could out of his ass for this.
But here’s hoping , he thought.