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Kaoru Sakurayashiki would be the last one to admit it, but he slept like absolute ass without Kojiro Nanjo.
It was a spectrum of insomnia that grew worse over time. He’d known Kojiro since he was five years old, so obviously they’d taken a nap or two together. Probably hundreds… who was counting? But ever since they’d entered high school, Kaoru found it harder to get to and stay asleep.
At first, he didn’t realize the common factor. He was a teenager after all, with random hormonal imbalances, stressful school work, and his baseline anxiety. He’d stay up all night staring at the ceiling, a million thoughts going through his head. Thoughts about things that absolutely did not matter, things that weren’t supposed to happen until next year, stupid things he’d said when he was twelve…
He tried doing yoga before bed for about a week until he got bored of it. Melatonin only made him groggier the next morning. Reading a book only made him want to stay up all night and finish just one more chapter. He was fucking tired.
But the solution came to him in the form of Kojiro’s warm and familiar embrace. It wasn’t anything Kaoru had sought out, just a combination of extreme sleep deprivation and forgetting to eat breakfast. Around noon, he felt his knees buckle as he stood at his locker, the steel door cutting into his palm as he struggled to stay upright. He just wanted to sleep and if it meant passing out in the hallway, so be it.
He did manage to make it to his study hall though, throwing his bag down beside his desk and sitting heavily, burying his face in his arms. He hadn’t even looked to see who was around, but he felt a familiar presence in front of him.
“Kaoru, you didn’t sleep again?” Kojiro asked, turning around in his seat, pencil tapping his chin. Kaoru grunted in response, not having the energy to lift his head. Kojiro laughed, taking a lock of Kaoru’s long pink hair in his hand and running it through his fingers.
“What are you doing?” Kaoru growled, but didn’t move. He felt his eyelids getting heavier.
“Chill, my mom used to play with my hair whenever I couldn’t get to sleep,” Kojiro said, his hand getting closer to Kaoru’s scalp. He carefully slid his fingers through again, working gently through any knots he found along the way. Kaoru tried so hard not to shiver at the feeling, but he felt so content it was gross.
“Your hair is so soft,” Kojiro said. Kaoru chuckled a little at that, knowing he hadn’t washed his hair in at least three days. He felt Kojiro’s hand start to pull away after a few more seconds, but one of Kaoru’s own hands quickly stopped it, tapping his fingertips against Kojiro’s knuckles in a silent plea.
Kojiro chuckled, but Kaoru could hear how it caught in his throat. He must have gotten the message because those fingers kept gliding along his scalp. He felt much more at ease now, his brain finally shutting off enough for him to enter into an immediately deep sleep.
After what seemed like seconds, he woke with a start, a warm hand on his back.
“Hey, sleepyhead, time to wake up,” Kojiro said, but not in his usual jovial tone. He seemed to sense Kaoru’s weariness. He wasn’t always tactful, but Kaoru had to admit he was good at knowing when to read the room.
Kaoru felt slightly more functional now, but he wanted to retreat into the desk and sleep for eternity.
“Do you want me to carry you to lunch?” Kojiro asked. Kaoru looked up at him with a glare, expecting a huge grin on his face, but saw that his question was completely serious. The thought of another person carrying him around like he was an infant usually would have put Kaoru off, but he really was too tired to give a shit. He held out his arms and waited for Kojiro to laugh at him.
He did, but only for a second before turning his back to him and crouching enough for Kaoru to crawl onto his back. He felt like a little baby koala, which was ridiculous but at the same time extremely comforting. Kojiro was so warm and solid and, with his face pressed against the back of his neck, he could smell his cologne and hints of shampoo.
“Seriously, have you slept at all lately?” Kojiro asked as they walked down the hall, hearing snickers from people passing by. Kaoru didn’t want to talk about it, especially now that he’d had this semi-revelation that Kojiro was a helpful sleeping aid. But more so, he didn’t feel like talking about his bad brain.
The next time he woke up, Kaoru was lying with his head on Kojiro’s lap in the grass.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Kaoru asked, groaning, but didn’t move. Kojiro offered him some onigiri, which he took half-heartedly.
“You looked peaceful for once,” Kojiro said, grinning. Kaoru rolled his eyes and bit into his lunch. He looked up at Kojiro’s sunlit face, the way he squinted at his phone because the screen was too dark, eyebrows scrunched together. He’d seen every one of Kojiro’s many expressions too many times to count, yet it felt like seeing him for the first time, especially when he looked down again at Kaoru, his soft eyes studying him.
“Why do you keep looking at me?” Kaoru asked through a mouthful of rice and plum.
“Because you’re just so ugly I can’t believe it,” Kojiro said, ducking when Kaoru reached up to smack him. His laugh had always been contagious. Kaoru felt the pressure in his chest ease.
After that day, Kaoru couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to curl up next to Kojiro every night. It’s not like he wanted to think about it, but even the thought helped him sleep just a little. He found himself hoping Kojiro would run his fingers through his hair again, but no luck there.
It’s fine, it’s a stupid thing to want anyway.
He thought he could handle all of this on his own, as he always did, but the day Kojiro didn’t show up as usual to their free period, he felt lost. He’d missed the text he’d sent about studying with some of his other classmates. Which was fine. He was allowed to do that. He wasn’t Kaoru’s security blanket or anything.
By lunch, he felt pathetic, his heart hammering in his chest as he tried not to breathe too heavily. He was used to these low-level panic attacks, but it didn’t make them any less uncomfortable. It felt like he’d swallowed a boulder. He wanted to call Kojiro, to see where he was, but he refused to give in to whatever weird attachment he seemed to have now. No, he was going to be fine on his own.
Kaoru’s resolve turned to dust when he saw Kojiro sitting where they’d had lunch a few days before. He couldn’t stop his feet as he made a beeline for his best friend, stopping dead in his tracks when he’d reached him. He wasn’t sure what he’d intended to do, but as Kojiro looked up at him, shielding his eyes from the sun, he felt a pang in his chest.
“Did you get your nap time in?” Kojiro asked. Kaoru was afraid to answer, clenching his teeth.
“Why didn’t you text me?” Kaoru asked stiffly.
“I figured you’d find me,” Kojiro said with his usual lop-sided grin. Kaoru moved quickly, relieved to see he didn’t have to move anything as he sat down on Kojiro’s lap, laying his head on his chest.
“Woah, are you sick or something?” Kojiro asked, holding his hands up as if a particularly surly cat had chosen him. Kaoru crossed his arms and closed his eyes, willing himself not to turn and bury his face in Kojiro’s neck. He flinched when he felt arms wrap around him, bringing him closer if possible.
“You make a good pillow, that’s all,” Kaoru said, feeling the boulder in his stomach dissolve. As much as they bickered, Kojiro had always been considerate and aware of Kaoru’s anxiety. And more importantly, he knew exactly what to do when he was at his lowest. No talking, just quiet support. He Kaoru again, pressing the rest of the tension out of his shoulders.
“Feel okay?” Kojiro asked. Kaoru nodded, barely awake now.
Falling in love with your best friend was weird.
That night wasn’t great. Hot tears ran down Kaoru’s face as he shoved it into his pillow. He was just tired, but now he was fucking confused. He’d gone almost thirteen years never thinking of Kojiro as anything more than his best friend who pissed him off more often than not. Now, he couldn’t get the smell of him out of his head, the warmth of his chest, the way the sun hit his eyes and made him squint and smile at the same time. It was excruciating, a feeling he’d never felt before.
He’d assigned the word “love” to that feeling, though it still felt embarrassing. What did he know about love? Maybe he was misinterpreting codependence. Maybe he could brush it off if it was just about sleep, but now when he thought of Kojiro, he thought of much more than simply sleeping next to him.
“Stupid Kojiro…” Kaoru murmured, looking at the clock. Two in the morning. And he was wide awake.
Before he could change his mind, he found himself calling that stupid Kojiro. It wasn’t as if he was awake anyway, so he’d just get it out of his system. He jumped when he heard the groggy voice on the other end.
“Kaoru?” Kojiro asked, his voice thick with sleep. Kaoru imagined hearing him first thing in the morning as he brushed the hair off of his forehead, soft light streaming in through the window. Wait, no, don’t think about that.
“You’re awake?” Kaoru asked, unable to make up an excuse yet.
“Unless this is a dream, then yes, weirdo,” Kojiro said, chuckling.
“I can’t sleep,” Kaoru admitted, feeling his throat tighten. Just saying it out loud felt like a huge feat.
“I figured,” Kojiro said, yawning. “Talking to me probably isn’t going to help.”
“I-I think it might,” Kaoru said, gripping his duvet. He was absolutely not going to cry “in front of” Kojiro Nanjo. He’d seen Kaoru cry plenty of times in their youth, but he didn’t want to make a comeback in that area. “Just start talking, I’m sure it will be so boring I’ll just nod off.”
“Dick… okay, what about this new recipe I’m working on?” Kojiro asked, starting to list off the ingredients. Kaoru fake snored at that.
“Shut up, you love my food!”
“I don’t need to know the whole process, I’m just focused on the end result,” Kaoru said, feeling himself smile for the first time in days, maybe weeks.
“Well, you’re not over as much as you used to be so my sisters have been taking on taste testing,” Kojiro said. Kaoru could hear the rustle of his sheets on the other end. He wondered if he was sitting up or lying down.
“I miss doing that,” Kaoru said before he could stop himself.
“Well, you’re still welcome literally any time, so,” Kojiro said. Was that a hint of nervousness he could hear?
“I miss you,” Kaoru said, really just letting it all out at this point. He couldn’t stop from crying now. He just wanted so badly to be with Kojiro, laying in his bed, arms wrapped around him, talking about whatever recipes he wanted.
“I see you every day,” Kojiro said, but his voice wasn’t joking.
“I-I think I could fall asleep if you were here,” Kaoru said, ignoring him. Kojiro was silent for a moment and in that span of time Kaoru went through every worst-case scenario, that he’d said too much, that he’d lost his best friend, that he was misinterpreting his feelings.
“Do you need me to come over?” Kojiro asked finally. Kaoru considered the use of “need” over “want.” He felt like a child. He should just hang up and let Kojiro sleep, but the sleep-deprived portion of his brain wanted to say yes so badly.
“Just forget I said anything,” Kaoru said, his hands shaking.
“I’ll be there,” Kojiro said and hung up before Kaoru could argue with him. Shit. He should have known better, but at the same time he felt something warm bloom in his chest.
He crept downstairs and stepped out into the night. It was slightly crisp with early spring, but he didn’t need more than a cardigan. He could already hear the gentle rolling of wheels on the pavement as Kojiro drew closer. He didn’t live that far away, but it still felt ridiculous to Kaoru… in an endearing way.
Kojiro stopped in front of him, flipping his board up with his foot and stepping closer.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong because I know getting you to admit anything never works,” Kojiro said. Kaoru felt like he should send him away before he said anything he’d regret, but opened the door and stepped back inside. Kojiro trailed close behind, close enough for Kaoru to feel his breath stir his hair.
“My parents are away, so your galumphing gait isn’t going to wake them up,” Kaoru said. Kojiro shoved him softly.
“Hey, I skate all the way here in the dead of night and this is how you speak to me?” Kojiro asked, his hands still lingering on Kaoru’s shoulders. A huge part of Kaoru wanted to lean back on those hands and let Kojiro catch him, as he knew without a doubt he would. Instead, he shrugged those hands off and continued to his room, his skin still burning from the contact.
What was he going to do now, exactly? He hadn’t planned this far ahead even though, on some molecular level, he knew Kojiro would always come to him if he called. If he hadn’t really wanted it, why had he bothered to mention it at all?
“Did your parents notice you leaving?” Kaoru asked as he sat on the edge of his bed, hands folded in his lap. Kojiro sat heavily right beside him, obviously not feeling any of Kaoru’s nervous energy.
“If they did, they didn’t bother getting out of bed,” Kojiro said, grinning. “Besides, if I had told them it was to see you, they wouldn’t have even questioned it.” Kaoru was grateful for the darkness, his cheeks burning.
“They probably thought you were on a late night rendezvous,” Kaoru said, almost bitterly. He couldn’t deny that seeing Kojiro with so many possible suitors every day was draining, and now he knew exactly why that was.
“Well, I guess I kind of am,” Kojiro said, wiggling his eyebrows. Kaoru punched him in the shoulder, his hand resting where it made contact, as if he lacked the strength to pull it back. His lip started to tremble again in that stupid, childish way that only made him more frustrated. He wasn’t sure how much Kojiro could see, but he couldn’t hold back a gasp when he felt warm arms wrapping around him.
“What are you doing?” Kaoru asked, stiffening at first, but then melting into Kojiro’s arms.
“You looked stressed out and this seemed to help the other day,” Kojiro said matter-of-factly. Kaoru grumbled, but pressed his face to Kojiro’s chest, already feeling his hot tears soaking into the fabric of his t-shirt. Kojiro clung to him as he laid back on the bed and started running his fingers through Kaoru’s hair.
“Like I said, you don’t have to talk about it -”
“I’m just tired,” Kaoru said, touching the wet patch now on Kojiro’s chest. “I can’t shut my brain off and it’s like a constant loop of worst-case scenarios.” One of them telling you how I feel and losing you.
“Has your anxiety gotten worse?” Kojiro asked, his fingers still steady. “Normal” Kaoru would have made some snarky comment, but honest Kaoru was different. He nodded.
“Well, this is a stressful year for us, you know? Thinking about what happens after high school and all that shit,” Kojiro said. The future? Really, Kaoru hadn’t even thought about it, but now he was plagued with the idea of Kojiro leaving him behind and never talking to him again. He would have had the right to, wouldn’t he? Was he even that good of a friend?
“Are you scared?” Kaoru asked, wanting to move the focus away from himself if possible. Kojiro’s hand stopped and he hugged Kaoru a little closer.
“About certain things,” Kojiro said. Kaoru couldn’t imagine Kojiro being afraid of anything. Sure, he wasn’t the best at scary movies, but for real life things, he never faltered. Kaoru couldn’t count the number of times Kojiro had saved him from awkward conversations at a party or ordered food on Kaoru’s behalf because he just couldn’t bring himself to speak to another person that day.
“Do you remember that day you were sick and couldn’t come to daycare?” Kaoru asked, the question seemingly out of the blue. Kojiro’s chest rumbled as he laughed.
“I mean, I remember having the worst stomach bug of my life but not much else,” Kojiro said.
“I remember at nap time, I refused to sleep because you weren’t there,” Kaoru said. The sleep deprivation was really getting to him now. “I didn’t even entertain the idea.”
“Well, I’m a great cuddler so I can’t blame you,” Kojiro said, adjusting so that he was laying on his side now, head propped on his hand and the other arm still around Kaoru.
“I know people think you can’t remember that far back and how you felt, but I just remember feeling pretty close to how I do now,” Kaoru said, unable to meet Kojiro’s eyes. “I must have known even then.”
“You’re so sleep deprived you’re not even talking in complete thoughts,” Kojiro said, but his eyes were soft.
“Look, I’m trying to be vulnerable here!” Kaoru said, sitting up suddenly, regretting the rush of cold from not being wrapped up in Kojior’s arms. “I’m trying to say something.”
“Alright, I’ll be here when you figure it out,” Kojiro said, his own eyes starting to get droopy.
“Whenever I’m with you I just feel…” Safe? Warm? Calm? Even through all their “arguments” and bickering, Kaoru always felt at ease with Kojiro, something he couldn’t even say about his own family.
He glanced at Kojiro now, who was much more awake, eyes wide. He wasn’t used to Kaoru talking about his feelings, clearly.
“I feel…” Dammit this was difficult. He wasn’t even sure how to put it into words. Everything between them was so unspoken, so natural, that placing a label on it felt unnecessary.
“Kaoru…” Joe raised a hand to Kaoru’s cheek and ran a thumb over it. Kaoru leaned into that warmth, not even caring anymore how he might look. Maybe he couldn’t express in words how he felt, but that didn’t mean it was impossible. He took that warm hand and pressed the knuckles to his lips, closing his eyes. He wanted to stay in that moment for a little longer just in case it back-fired and Kojiro wanted to flee. His throat tightened at the thought.
But when he opened his eyes, Kojiro was still there, his eyes shining and wide as he sat up to get closer, putting his free hand on Kaoru’s opposite cheek. Kaoru was relieved that he didn’t have to verbalize the flurry of emotions he felt, but at the same time he felt bad that he couldn’t.
“You’re very important to me and I’m sorry I don’t let you know that enough,” Kaoru said finally, the words burning his throat. Kojiro laughed and bumped his forehead onto Kaoru’s, his breathing starting to get shallow.
“So that’s why you’ve been so cuddly these past few weeks,” Kojiro said, grinning.
“I told you already, you’re just a good pillow…” Kaoru said, frowning, but feeling his heart pound. “And you make me feel calm, even though you’re a pain in the ass.” Joe laughed again at that.
“Oh, I’m the pain in the ass?” Kojiro asked, wrapping his arms around Kaoru again, tugging him closer and nuzzling his neck. “Is it working now?” Kaoru actually felt more awake than he had in a long time.
“Why did you come over?” Kaoru asked, not one to let a lovely moment last too long before questioning it.
“Why do you think?” Kojiro asked, looking up at him.
“I asked you first,” Kaoru said stubbornly. The truth was, he really didn’t have an answer for him.
“Because I was worried, idiot,” Kojiro said, rolling his eyes. “Do I have to have some complicated reason?” They had shifted down again at this point, Kojiro’s chin resting on Kaoru’s chest. He was really that comfortable that he hadn’t even noticed the change.
“You were crying, what else was I supposed to do?” Kojiro added, his sincere eyes boring into Kaoru’s.
“You could have ignored me and gone back to sleep,” Kaoru said, his hands finding their way into Kojiro’s wavy hair. “You could have told me to suck it up.”
“We’ve been friends for like thirteen years and you think I’d do that?” Kojiro asked, knitting his eyebrows together. It’s true, Kojiro had complained about seeing Kaoru through his tantrums as a kid, but he never left his side no matter how irrational he was.
Kaoru leaned down and kissed the top of Kojiro’s head, breathing him in, a rush of new serotonin washing over him. Was it really this easy to feel happy?
“I told you I wasn’t going to help you sleep,” Kojiro said, his voice soft and devoid of humor. Kaoru’s awkward position didn’t make it easy to do what he wanted. He wiggled his way further under Kojiro, who lifted himself up to, until they were nose to nose. It felt perfectly correct lying underneath him, especially as he settled back down, his weight oddly comforting. Kaoru hooked his leg around one of Kojiro’s, wanting to feel more tangled up in him, like he’d finally come to his senses and run off.
But Kojiro’s arms were wrapping around him as he rolled them over.
“You’re not that heavy,” Kaoru said, but enjoyed the feeling of pressing down into Kojiro anyway.
“I just wanted to see what it was like,” Kojiro said, his lips brushing over Kaoru’s, causing his breath to catch in his throat. It felt so right, he wanted to cry. He slowly pressed his lips to Kojiro’s, which were surprisingly soft. His breathing stuttered as Kojiro’s fingers pressed into his hips, kneading the soft skin just under his shirt.
Kaoru had expected any kind of confession to be so much more climactic, but just with everything else in their relationship, pieces fell into place without too much effort. It took several more minutes of lazy kisses for him to even comprehend that they’d stepped over that line of friendship and probably had a while ago.
Kojiro’s mouth was hot but gentle against his, fingers continuing their previous work of brushing through Kaoru’s hair. His head was completely empty now aside from Kojiro’s lips and hands, how he occasionally sighed in contentment, how kissing him felt like he’d done it a million times before in past lives. It wasn’t that feeling of fireworks, but rather a rolling, steady boil.
Finally Kojiro pulled away just a bit, Kaoru’s lips following like a magnet, only to be stopped by a warm hand.
“You need to sleep,” Kojiro said, though he looked about five seconds away from changing his mind when Kaoru kissed his palm.
“Why do you have to be responsible all of the sudden?” Kaoru asked.
“Believe me, it’s taking a lot of effort,” Kojiro said, cupping Kaoru’s face in his hands. Before Kaoru could try to convince him, Kojiro rolled them onto their sides, pulling the duvet up over them. It occurred to Kaoru that he was definitely going to have a much harder time sleeping from now on knowing that Kojiro couldn’t be there every night. Stupid Kojiro.
“Comfortable?” Kojiro asked, solid arms squeezing him once before relaxing. Kaoru nodded and suddenly felt on the verge of sleep.
“Should we… talk about what just happened?” Kaoru asked, his eyelids heavy.
“What do you want to talk about? How long I’ve been waiting to do that?” Kojiro asked, kissing his nose.
“Ah, so that’s why you came over, perv,” Kaoru said, but snuggled closer.
“I mean, not specifically… ” Kojiro mumbled, his turn to avert his eyes. Kaoru was too tired to even pretend to be appalled. He was also too happy.
“You really wanted to kiss me that much?”
“Let’s talk about this tomorrow.”
“You’re the one who brought it up, Nanjo.”
“Okay, it’s sleepy time,” Kojiro said, pressing Kaoru’s face into his chest.
“Now you want me to touch your boobs?” Kaoru asked, though he was more than happy to oblige.
“Just sleep, holy shit,” Kojiro said, but he didn’t really sound annoyed.
Kaoru kissed Kojiro one more time before he could stop him.