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It isn't even five whole minutes into the beginning of their sixth year at Hogwarts that Remus Lupin both simultaneously has his freckled nose buried in a book and notices that something is horribly wrong with his boyfriend.
"You look like shite, mate!" James Potter, sitting across from him next to Peter Pettigrew, chuckles (though Remus can see the flash of anxiety poorly concealed beneath his hazel eyes) as Sirius Black all but stumbles into their train compartment, already fully dressed in his school robes, his face paler than Remus has ever seen it be and his slender hands trembling at his sides just slightly. He settles himself beside Remus in the corner that's been left for him, sitting stiff and withdrawn, shooting James a weak glare but saying nothing. James' eyes look onto Remus' for a split second before he turns to Peter, diving back into their enthusiastic conversation involving something about Quidditch that Remus pays absolutely no attention to. Instead, he tucks his worn book away in his bag sitting beside him, turning to face his boyfriend leaning against the train wall running his tongue across a split lip, tiny flakes of dried blood melting off from the heat of his tongue.
"What happened?" Remus whispers, scooting a bit closer to Sirius, who flinches just slightly at the movement. Remus' insides freeze.
"I fell down the stairs." Sirius' voice lacks any emotion, his eyes cloudy and far-away like they always are after breaks.
"You always seem to fall down the stairs at home," Remus mutters, unable to keep the bitter tone from coating his words and frowning when Sirius only seems to shrink further into himself at the comment. Sirius' shoulders come up in a half-shrug. Remus drops the subject like they always seem to do.
}-o-{
Sirius doesn't usually make a ton of noise, if any, whenever he has a nightmare. In fact, the only times Remus ever wakes up for them is when Sirius sleeps with him, otherwise, the raven uses silencing charms on his bed and is almost noiseless when he creeps out from under the covers for a starlit smoke to soothe his nerves.
Tonight, however, is different. Remus is jolted from a restless sleep by a crashing sound coming from his left side. He sits up in bed just in time to watch Sirius' back with bleary eyes as he stumbles into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him, the sound of strangled retching filling the otherwise still night air. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus sees James' figure shoot up in his bed across the room, rubbing at his eyes.
"What the fuck-"
"It's alright," Remus interrupts his friend distractedly, "I've got him. Go back to sleep." Not bothering to wait for James to respond he slips out of his bed, the floor froze against his bare feet, crossing the room to the bathroom and knocking gently on the door. "Pads? Are you alright?" Sirius doesn't respond. "I'm coming in, alright?" Remus is answered by more sounds of strangled puking. He opens the door, heart immediately breaking at the sight in front of him: Sirius on his knees in front of the toilet, impossibly pale fingers gripping at the rim and seeming to be the only thing keeping him upright as he heaves into the bowl, nothing more escaping his lips. He seems to have not quite made it there in time, judging by the red-tinged vomit splattered on the tiled floor and down his long-sleeved sleep shirt, smeared across his chin. His eyes are shielded by a curtain of long, sweaty black hair hanging in front of them, but Remus knows he can see him.
"Shit, Padfoot, what's wrong?" Remus turns to see James hovering anxiously in the doorway, his glasses crooked on his nose and his hands wringing together.
"Nightmare. A bad one." Remus supplies him before his attention is once again consumed by his boyfriend, who chokes on a sob, his head hanging lower.
"Hey, hey, you're alright." Remus murmurs, crouching down beside Sirius and running a gentle hand down his back. "James, could you bring me my wand?" The object in question is hovering by his face mere seconds later. Remus casts a quick Terego to clean up the vomit on the floor, accepting the hairband James offers to him and gently brushing back Sirius' long hair with his fingers into a loose bun. He takes the wad of toilet paper from James' hand and gently dabs at Sirius' chin, cleaning away the vomit, which Remus is now sure has blood in it. "Your throat hurt, Pads?" Remus asks quietly, hoping that the blood isn't a sign of something more serious, but his boyfriend nods slightly, assuring Remus that the blood was simply from a raw throat. "Can you get him another shirt?" Remus asks quietly, turning to James who is crouched beside them. His hand runs up and down Sirius' sweat-soaked, trembling shoulders. James returns quickly with one of Sirius favorite grey oversized Queen t-shirts in his hand, placing it on the edge of the sink as Remus begins to tug on Sirius' vomit-covered sleep-shirt once he's satisfied now that nothing more was coming up Sirius' mouth.
"N-no," the raven-haired boy weakly protests, hands slipping from the toilet seat to limply bat at Remus' hands despite looking ready to pass out at any given moment. "Stop."
"C'mon, Siri, we've gotta get you into clean clothes, yeah? C'mon baby," Remus ignores Sirius' weak protests and continues to pull the shirt up and over Sirius' head, pulling his arms out the sleeves, stopping only when he hears James' choked-off gasp.
"Holy fuck," the animagus exclaims, staring at something on Sirius' back with wide, horrified eyes, while Remu's can't tear his gaze away from his boyfriend's wrists.
"Pads, no. Oh my god," he whispers, catching James' attention to the still-fresh cuts lining the delicate skin. Sirius lets out another broken sob, and then another, and another, collapsing into Remus' open arms as he cries, harder than Remus has ever seen. "Breathe, love, just breathe," Remus murmurs, swallowing down his panic as he tosses the soiled shirt away from them, letting Sirius lean all his weight (which alarmingly isn't much) on his side and running his hands up and down Sirius' back, which he finds is textured without the black fabric covering it. He risks a glance at the skin and bites down on his tongue to keep from growling at the angry red gashes running across Sirius' skin.
"Fuck!" James snarls from behind them, prompting a harsh flinch from Sirius and drawing Remus' attention to his frantic pacing across the bathroom floor. "I'm gonna fucking kill them!" Sirius whimpers.
"What's going on?" Peter's sleepy murmur sounds from behind him. The exhaustion on the blond's face drains away into pale horror as his eyes travel first to Remus and then to Sirius curled up in his arms, his wounds on open display.
"His fucking family!" James shouts, venom dripping from his voice. "I'll kill them for this! I don't give a damn how powerful they think they are! I'll fucking kill them!"
"James," Remus speaks softly, but sternly. At the sound of his real name, James' eyes fly to Remus', stilling his pacing. "I know. I know. But you're scaring him. Just...just calm down for a minute now, yeah? He's really scared." James' eyes fly to Sirius' tensed-up form, seeing the tremble in his mangled shoulders and his white-knuckled grip on Remus' arm. He closes his eyes, running a shaking hand through his unruly mop of hair as he carefully masks his anger from his face, even though Sirius can't even see him.
"I'm not mad at you, Siri. I'm sorry. I'm gonna get some shit from the kitchens, okay? I'll be right back. Wormy, you coming?" James asks, tugging on Peter's pajamas before the blonde can even answer. But it's not like he would have said no anyway. Remus shoots James a grateful smile as the two boys exit the dorm room, taking some of the tension away with them.
Sirius is still shivering in his arms.
"Hey, Pads, it's okay. It's alright. Just breathe for me, alright, love? We're never gonna let them hurt you again, I promise." Remus whispers into his ear, drawing the frightened boy even closer to his chest.
"I-I'm sorry," Sirius chokes out, his fingers clutching Remus' sleep shirt tightly.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. It's not your fault." Sirius buries his face further into Remus' neck, saying nothing. He lets his boyfriend stay like that for a while, absently rubbing small circles into the undamaged skin of his back before pulling away just slightly.
"Let's get you all bandaged up, alright? James and Peter are getting snacks for you, and we can just cuddle, okay? You don't even have to talk about it right now if you don't want to." Remus takes a deep breath. "But...I-I need you to promise me one thing, yeah?" Sirius nods. "Don't...don't ever hurt yourself again, okay? Don't ever. You come to me or Prongs or Wormy. Don't hurt yourself. It isn't your fault, Siri." Sirius lets out another sob.
"She said...she said she wished I-I was dead. I wished I was dead. It hurt so bad. She-she-" Remus stroked his shoulder.
"She what?"
"Crucio. Used Crucio. Usually, it's just beatings and hexes and I can take it, but last summer she started using...and I-it hurt so bad, Moony. I couldn't-I just..woke up and felt all..." Sirius trails off. Remus counts to ten in his head to clear away the angry red fog Sirius' words bring him. He isn't angry at Sirius and he really doesn't want the raven to falsely assume he was.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers instead, his own tears running freely down his cheeks, the salty liquid coating the corners of his mouth. "Pads, Sirius, why didn't you say anything?" Sirius shakes his head, fingers clenching and unclenching.
"I-I couldn't...I could take it. If I...they'd kill me. Said they'd kill me. I-oh god, fuck, they're gonna-gonna-" Sirius cuts himself off with a panicked gasp of air that doesn't sound like it actually reaches his lungs.
"They won't fucking touch you," Remus growls, fingers tightening around Sirius's biceps. He moves his hands to cup the raven's face, pressing their foreheads together, gazing intently into Sirius' watery silver eyes. "Listen to me, Sirius. They won't even fucking breathe in your direction. I will personally make sure of that. No one, will ever hurt you and get away with it. No one." Sirius sobs again, closing the distance between their lips in a messy, salty kiss before breaking apart, collapsing onto Remus' shoulder and crying.
"it's alright, it's alright now. I've got you." Remus whispers, pressing kisses to his forehead and hair.
When Sirius' shivering becomes painfully obvious, Remus loops his arms under Sirius' and lifts him up slowly, closing the toilet seat lid and placing him down gently on top of it. He breaks contact long enough to reach for the sink cabinet, opening the door and pulling out their first-aid kit, unclasping the lid, and pulling out their store of Dittany and fresh bandages. He steps to the side behind Sirius to better reach his shredded back, threading his fingers through the long black strands of silky hair that have escaped the loose bun he made and pulling them back up into the hair-tie. He presses a gentle kiss to Sirius’ neck.
“I’m gonna fix you up, alright. Is that okay?” Sirius nods. Remus presses another kiss to his neck, feeling the muscles in Sirius’ back relax just slightly. He wets a rag with warm water, dabbing at the angry red wounds to clean them. Sirius tenses up again but otherwise remains quiet. Setting the rag aside, now a faded greyish-orange from the melted flakes of old, dried up blood, Remus dips his fingers into the jar of Dittany, beginning to very carefully spread the brown goo across the gashes that line his boyfriend’s back, watching in satisfaction as they begin to scab over. Nevertheless, he takes a roll of bandages and carefully wraps Sirius’ chest to protect the wounds just as Sirius has done for him after so many moons, sliding the grey Queen t-shirt James had brought them over Sirius’ head when he finished.
Kneeling down in front of Sirius, Remus takes his wrists in his hands with the utmost care, bringing them both to his lips and pressing gentle, feather-light kisses to the bloody wounds. On his knees, Remus watches as Sirius reaches out with a slender finger, the starlight from the bathroom window casting blueish shadows across prominent cheekbones and darkening silver eyes as he runs the pad of his finger across Remus' lips, the boney digit coming back coated in a shiny crimson. Something deep inside Remus' gut twists as Siris' finger hovers in the air between them, an enchantment neither of their eyes can break.
“I love you,” Remus hears the words flow from his lips, his eyes still fixed intently on Sirius’ own; words they’d never said to each other, yet the most beautiful to ever escape his throat. Sirius’ eyes widen, his hand slowly falling back onto his lap. “Yeah, that’s right. I fucking love you. And-and it kills me to see you hurting, just as much as I know it kills you to watch me after the moon. You’ve got enough pain inside that beautiful heart of yours, Sirius. Don’t add to it.”
“I-but I-“
“Don’t let them win.” Remus interrupts, gazing intently at the wide orbs of silver. “That’s what they want. They want to see you hurt. Don’t give that to them, Sirius. Don’t let them win. You’re stronger than that.”
“I-I don’t know...if I am.”
“I know you are. James knows you are. Peter knows you are. You know you are too, it’s just harder to remember that when things get hard. But you are, I promise.”
“I, Remi...I don’t know how to stop.” Sirius says very softly, looking almost ashamed to admit it.
“That’s alright. You’re not alone, Siri. You’re not. You’ve got all of us here. We’ll help you, I’ll help you. Okay? Just promise me that you’ll try. Promise me that you’ll come to me, or James, or Peter, when you feel like doing this again, okay? Can you promise me that? Just that?” Remus watches his neck bob as he swallows thickly.
“Okay.” Comes the quiet whisper. Remus squeezes both his hands, pressing his lips to Sirius’ softly, tasting the copper from his own. He releases the raven, pressing another quick kiss to the corner of his mouth before focusing once again on his bloodied wrists, which have mostly stopped running.
Taking the same rag from before, Remus runs it under warm water again and gently dabs at Sirius’ wrists, overlapping the greyish-orange stain with a tinge of pale pink. He applies Dittany to those wounds too, wrapping each wrist carefully in bandages up to the base of Sirius’ elbows, pressing a kiss to the soft fabric once he finished.
“Come to bed, love?” Remus asks, extending a hand, not bothering to deal with the mess of first-aid supplies until tomorrow. (Or perhaps one of the others would do it for him)
Sirius accepts the hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and led back to Remus’ bed, who leaves the curtains open so that the other boys will be able to join them once they return; as he knew no one would be falling asleep that night. The two climb into the bed, Remus sitting with his back up against the headboard and Sirius practically in his lap, his head resting on Remus’ chest and their feet tangled together. Remus pulls the covers up to their laps, releasing Sirius’ hair from the hair tie, pausing his fussing over the raven only when Sirius’ hand catches his own.
“Remi?” Remus hums, tucking a strand of Sirius’ hair behind his ear. “I love you too, you know.” He says. Remus smiles, leaning down to kiss Sirius again.
“I know.”