Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I don’t.”

Yoongi knows these words. He knows these words because he’s said them before. How long ago was it? A few weeks? A little over two months? Something like that.

Back then, when his friends asked him the same question - or not the same, a similar one. The gist of it is the same. Both questions are about Taehyung, his client. Just like Yoongi’s thoughts, these questions are all about Taehyung. Just him.

Yoongi knows these words - they’re familiar in his throat but they taste different on his tongue. Because the last time he spoke them with sincerity, the last time they were the truth.

“So, you really don’t like him? Not even a little bit?”

And Yoongi smiles as he lies.

“I don’t.”

Yoongi worked with celebrities before. Being a bodyguard, stuff like that is not unusual. He lives off good recommendations and built himself a pretty good name in the industry.

Paparazzi, fans, stalkers, haters - he dealt with them all already. So, when he got invited for an interview to work as twenty-four-hour protection for a celebrity, he thought this would be like any other job. Obsessive stalkers were mentioned, to the point that they did break into the apartment complex more than once, fans that broke into the shooting sites, paparazzi that harass the person in question every time he goes out in public.

All things, Yoongi has dealt with before. But the person that enters the room after the interview - he is not like something Yoongi has dealt with before. Because Kim Taehyung is special. But Yoongi is a professional - so, he didn’t expect all of this to turn into such a mess when he signed the contract. When he signed up to guard Kim Taehyung for a year, living with him for a year.

But many things happen, unexpected things.

When Yoongi started working for Kim Taehyung he didn’t expect him to be like - well, this. He’s different than he is in public, different from the interviews he saw, from the news articles he skimmed sometimes, different from the magazine shoots. Of course, he is. In private, Yoongi thought that Taehyung was a rather shy person. He didn’t talk much in the beginning but getting to live together with him - that quickly made Taehyung warm up to him.

Quicker than Yoongi expected it.

There are a few things Yoongi noticed about him right away.

Taehyung is more beautiful in real life than he is in all the published photographs of him - crazy, right? But it’s the truth. Actually, even after starting to warm up to him, he noticed that Taehyung is a very quiet person still.

He’s soft-spoken words and gentle smiles. He’s classical music in the morning with the scent of tea in the air because apparently, there are people who don’t like the taste of coffee. Taehyung is a glass of wine in the evening. He’s messy hair and stubble hidden behind a mask. He smells like strawberries and smoke because he spends his off time standing on his balcony high above the world, eating the sweet treats while smoke trickles from his lips and a cigarette burns down between his fingers.

And above all of that, the biggest thing Yoongi notices is that Taehyung is lonely.

It was a little awkward at first.

It took Taehyung a little time to get used to him but the second he warmed up to Yoongi, there was no awkwardness anymore. No weird silences, no strained expressions, no silent footsteps to not disturb each other. Taehyung talks without taking a breath sometimes, talks and talks - he always finds something to talk about, whether it makes sense or not. He doesn’t care if Yoongi doesn’t answer but with each day that Yoongi gets more used to his talking and finds himself replying, Taehyung smiles a little brighter.

His inhibitions slowly fade and Yoongi notices how much emphasis Taehyung puts on skinship. He isn’t shy about being close to someone. It was strange at first. Yoongi never had a client like him - but the more time he spends with Taehyung, the more it feels like he sees him a little more like a friend that lives with him than a bodyguard.

He’s lonely. Yoongi noticed that quite early. Whether it’s because of all the fuss about stalkers and obsessive fans or if Taehyung just finds it hard to get close to someone - Yoongi doesn’t know but he’s never met friends of him before. Since he started living with him, no one has entered this apartment. Taehyung hasn’t gone out to meet anyone either. There seem to be no friends.

Not ‘real’ friends. The whole world knows Taehyung, at every event a million people are acting close to him, hanging onto him but Taehyung never smiles sincerely around them.

He only smiles freely when he’s home, messy hair and a blanket around his shoulders as he tries to explain the plot of the foreign movie he’s asked Yoongi to watch with him.

It must be hard to find honest friendship as someone like Taehyung. He must be used to people having ulterior motives when approaching him, not trying to be his friend but wanting to profit off him. It’s sad. As soon as Taehyung leaves his apartment he puts on a mask - Yoongi watches the same process every day.

At work, in public - Taehyung always seems to be a different person.

Yoongi opens the door of the dressing room, sees a wide expanse of naked skin, and immediately drops his gaze to the ground, heat crawling up the back of his neck. He’s already stepping back again, “I will wait outside -”

“It’s fine,” Taehyung chirps happily - as if he’s not standing half-naked in the middle of the room. Though, Yoongi supposes he might be used to that as a model. “I don’t mind - and shouldn’t you watch over me every possible second anyway?” He jokes. “And I mean - I wore way less than this in the shoot you watched just now.”

“I suppose,” Yoongi mumbles, still doesn’t raise his gaze, stubbornly watching his shoes, “But it’s different. The shoot and this right here, they’re different situations. I’m just being respectful.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything to that but Yoongi could hear the rustling of fabric as the other dresses himself.

It does sound a bit weird - Yoongi saw Taehyung in underwear posing for pictures a few minutes ago, he’s seen him on billboards, in magazines dressed in way more revealing clothing than he wore just now but it still feels different. He still feels like an intruder right here, as if he’s not supposed to see Taehyung like that. As if it’s a different body he’s looking at, a different Taehyung in front of him than the one that is staring at him from magazine covers and billboards.

Somehow, they are different persons.

Taehyung smiles brightly at him, dressed in oversized clothing as he presses his pointer finger against Yoongi’s chest. “You have to stop being so stiff,” He laughs, “I know you’re taking this all seriously and I appreciate that but you’re not made of stone and I don’t expect you to be.”

Yoongi doesn’t know why his heart races from these words, doesn’t know why he couldn’t help but smile as he follows Taehyung out of the door with heat creeping up the back of his neck.

Yeah, Yoongi thinks, they’re different persons.

Taehyung is good at flustering him. Whenever it’s just the two of them, Taehyung seems to be on a mission to make Yoongi smile or laugh or blush - whatever it is, he usually achieves it. And it makes Yoongi’s heart race. It makes it hard for him to ignore the flutter in his stomach and the heat on his cheeks.

He knows he shouldn’t but every time he sees that smile on Taehyung’s face, the one that’s a bit rectangular, that makes his eyes shine bright, he feels a tug in his chest and butterflies in his stomach.

I don’t like him, is what he told his friends and what he keeps telling himself but each day he believes his own words less and less. It’s just so easy - it’s easy liking Taehyung. The Taehyung that he doesn’t show to the public, the one that isn’t picture perfect. Just a young man that laughs with all his might, that smiles brighter than the sun.

Just - Taehyung.

A part of Yoongi feels special that he’s allowed to see this version of him. Maybe it’s a bit foolish but he couldn’t help it.

“You know,” Taehyung suddenly speaks up, pulling Yoongi out of his thoughts, “You don’t look scary at all.”

“Should I look scary?” Yoongi snorts, instinctively leaning a little further away from Taehyung because apparently, the other still doesn’t know what personal space is and Yoongi would like to at least pretend to be professional even though his heart hammers against his ribs like crazy.

“Duh, you’re a bodyguard. When I first heard about you I expected someone - well, scarier?”

“Sorry to disappoint then,” Yoongi chuckles, gently pushing against Taehyung’s shoulder. The other goes with the motion and flops down on the couch completely, cheekily smiling up at Yoongi from under his lashes.

“I’m not disappointed,” Taehyung smiles. And it rings in Yoongi’s head again, his own words. I don’t like him. He hears his own words that he told to his friends - Taehyung might be pretty, he might be nice, Yoongi might like his company and his personality - he might be Yoongi’s type but he’s also his employer. Yoongi doesn’t like him. He can’t like him.

“I’m glad it’s you and not some scary guy who never speaks,” Taehyung continues to ramble, completely unaware of how his smile and warm words make Yoongi’s heart race, “I mean you are pretty small and all but I saw you flip that giant guy and haven’t been worried for a second since.”

Yoongi feels dumb, feels stupid - a little like he’s back in high school having a silly crush on someone unattainable.

“It’s my job.”

For a second, Yoongi swears he could see how Taehyung’s bright smile dims. “Yeah,” The other says, turning on his side, “It is.”

It’s unfair.

Yoongi should just push those feelings to the back of his mind and forget about them.

But it’s unfair.

With his last cover shooting, Taehyung’s popularity seems to have risen even more. Which means even more fans, more cameras on him, more paparazzi following him around - more work for Yoongi.

Today there are what feels like a thousand people waiting in front of Taehyung’s shooting location - they could hear the screaming fans even from the inside. Even before they’re getting close to the doors Taehyung is already walking right behind him, so close that he’s bumping into Yoongi’s back when their steps don’t match up. Yoongi could almost smell his anxiety.

He’s been tired since the morning, too little sleep, too many jobs - nights spent on his balcony instead of his bed because of stress. Yoongi wishes he could hide him away from all the prying eyes outside but their car is waiting behind the crowd.

At least there are more than a few bodyguards this time but still - that doesn’t make too much of a difference. The crowd is still gonna be there.

“I’m here,” Yoongi says without turning around to face Taehyung, he could feel him standing close, “Just stay close to me and we’ll be in the car in no time.”

Outside, the screams are deafening, the bright camera flashes are blinding as Yoongi throws himself into the crowd, pushing people out of the way without a care in the world. Taehyung is right behind him as hands reach out for him, bodies pushing and pulling. It’s hard to breathe, hard to stay afloat in the middle of all of this.

Yoongi doesn’t want to imagine how terrifying these situations have to be for Taehyung, knowing that everyone is trying to get to him. After all, Yoongi isn’t the one the people want but he’s already anxious in here, he’s glad for the mask covering half of his face and the fringes of hair in front of his eyes. It’s not something new but Yoongi still doesn’t like his face plastered all over social media platforms because he’s been caught in photographs with Taehyung.

He’s pushing another camera to the side when someone knocks through the chain of bodyguards around Taehyung. Immediately, arms circle around him. Yoongi tenses for a moment but he knows they belong to Taehyung, the strong grip, fingers clenched into his jacket as he pushes through the end of the crowd.

It’s harder to move like this, Taehyung holding onto him, pressing his face between his shoulder blades. The doors of the car are already open and Yoongi quickly maneuvers them inside, pushing Taehyung into the car before him. And finally, when the doors close they are safe behind the tinted windows.

Taehyung is sitting pressed into the side of the car, his hat pulled down to the rim of his mask - not a sliver of his face is visible.

“Can you nod for me if you’re fine?” Yoongi asks, sitting down a seat away from Taehyung. He watches him closely, watches how the other pulls his shoulders up, curling in on himself but then he nods. It’s just a small movement, barely there. But it still reassures Yoongi.

They ride the car in silence and silence follows them back to Taehyung’s apartment as well. Sometimes there are moments where Taehyung prefers silence, prefers the quiet around him but those silences are soft.

This is a deafening silence.

Until the sun starts to set Taehyung sits on his balcony, a cigarette between his fingers but he never raises it to his lips. He just lets it burn down until there are only ashes left.

“Thank you,” Taehyung finally says when night has fallen around them, “For being there for me all the time. I don’t know what I would do without you.” And Taehyung smiles, he smiles real and bright and Yoongi’s heart hurts.

It’s so unfair.

Yoongi pushes his feelings down but with each of Taehyung’s smiles, each soft touch of his fingers, and each word whispered just between them their resistance gets stronger and stronger.

The world around him has gone to sleep but Yoongi is still wide awake. His heart is still beating out of rhythm in his chest, a bit too fast for it to be normal. And it’s the pounding of his heart that leads him up to the second floor and into Taehyung’s room.

He’s just checking on him, is what Yoongi tells himself as he looks at Taehyung’s sleeping face in the pale moonlight. Just checking - no other reason. Nothing.

The night is quiet around them, the only witness to the way Yoongi lingers a little too long next to Taehyung’s bed. The younger is sleeping peacefully, his chest rising and falling rhythmically while Yoongi couldn’t seem to make his feet move. He keeps standing right next to him, staring at that one strand of hair that has messily fallen over Taehyung’s forehead.

Carefully, he allows himself to touch his face. Just slightly, barely skimming his fingers over Taehyung’s cheeks that blush so easily when he’s being complimented, cheeks that rise so high whenever he smiles brightly. It’s as if Yoongi doesn’t have any control of his own movements as he gently brushes Taehyung’s hair off his forehead and he’s already leaning down, lips so close that his breath is fanning over Taehyung’s skin. But he catches himself in the last second. Turning away with a sigh, he tells himself to forget he ever even thought about this when a hand suddenly closes around his wrist.

Immediately, his heart starts to race in his chest as he stares down at Taehyung’s face with wide, panicked eyes. The younger doesn’t seem alarmed at all as his grip around Yoongi’s wrist tightens.

“Why didn’t you do it?”

“I - I’m sorry,” Yoongi stumbles over his words instead of coming up with something coherent to say. There’s not a single clear thought in his mind as he thinks about all the consequences he might be facing now.

“I didn’t ask you to apologize,” Taehyung’s voice cuts through his spiraling thoughts easily. He’s still holding onto his wrist, where his skin touches Yoongi’s, warmth is slowly creeping up his arm.

“Because it’s wrong,” Yoongi says it like it should be obvious, like this shouldn’t even be a question.

“Why?” Taehyung sits up, “Because you’re working for me?”

“Yes, Taehyung,” Yoongi sighs. He takes a step back, trying gently to pull his wrist away from Taehyung but the other just holds on tighter, pulling him right back. “Because I’m working for you and this is unprofessional. I should go. I’m sorry, just forget about it.”

Even as he tugs harder Taehyung’s grip doesn’t let up.

“Taehyung -”

“Stay.” It’s the only word the other says. Just one word as he lets Yoongi’s hand slip from his grip. And he could go right now, turn his back on this situation and pretend like it never happened but that one word echoes in his mind while Taehyung is staring at him with eyes that are impossible to look away from.

Yoongi sighs deeply, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, “Taehyung, I -”

“I’m not asking you to kiss me or anything,” The younger says easily. The sheets rustle while he’s getting comfortable again, drawing his blanket up so it sits right over his nose and he could only peer at Yoongi over the rim of it. “I’m just asking you to stay here. Until I fall asleep... Just stay.”

He doesn’t have it in him to refuse so Yoongi gives in. He gives in against what his instincts are telling him, indulging the wild beating of his heart as he watches how Taehyung’s eyes flutter shut. It’s not awkward or uncomfortable in any way but at the same time, it still feels strange.

Yoongi doesn’t know how long he’s sitting there until Taehyung’s face relaxes completely and his breathing has evened out. It feels like it’s only been a few seconds but at the same time, the whole night could have passed without Yoongi noticing a single thing.

“Taehyung?” Yoongi whispers carefully, barely audible in the quiet room. “Are you asleep?” What a dumb question that is. Taehyung doesn’t react - his chest is still falling and rising slowly, his eyes closed tightly while his lashes fan large shadows over his soft cheeks. Yoongi stays for a few more seconds before he gets up, letting his finger touch Taehyung’s cheek the last time before he’s pulling away.

That’s it. This is the only moment of weakness he will have allowed himself. Nothing more will follow this night.

His hand is already curled around the doorknob but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to twist it. This is dumb. It’s stupid and reckless and unprofessional. And despite all of that Yoongi turns around with courage ignited by the pounding of his own heart. He repeats the same motions from before, brushing Taehyung’s hair away from his forehead before he’s leaning down to leave a chaste kiss on his soft skin when there are suddenly hands holding onto his cheeks and instead of skin there is another pair of lips pressed against his own.

The kiss lasts for a single heartbeat. That’s how long it takes Yoongi to realize what’s going on and he’s pulling away in shock.

“You weren’t asleep.”

No shit. His lips tingle, they tingle and his heart is so loud that it might shatter his own eardrums - and all of that from a single press of lips. It wasn’t even a real kiss, just something that lasted less than a second. A clumsy meeting between two pairs of lips but Yoongi could still feel the sparks in his chest.

Taehyung just smiles up at him innocently, even in the darkness Yoongi could see his red cheeks and he swears he could hear his pounding heart in the silence - it might have been his own though. He’s not sure.

“That was my first kiss.” The words wreck through Yoongi’s mind like a wildfire, fanned by the giddy expression Taehyung wears as he’s smiling up at him.

“What -”

“So, you should take responsibility, don’t you think?”

“You kissed me,” Yoongi argues weakly, voice quivering slightly because Taehyung’s fingers are idly drawing patterns over the back of his hand.

“Yeah, because you’re too much of a coward to do it yourself.” Taehyung sits up, now properly holding onto Yoongi’s hands as he threads their fingers together. Only then does Yoongi notice how much the other’s hands are shaking, how much they tremble in his grip.“You like me,” Taehyung says and his words don’t lack any courage nor truth but Yoongi could still hear the slight shakiness the other tries to hide.

He’s nervous. He’s scared too - as he should be. This is… it shouldn’t be happening.

“Taehyung…”

“And I like you,” The younger interrupts him again.

No matter what Yoongi says, his determined expression doesn’t fade. “We really shouldn’t.” He knows his words sound unsure, he knows he already has one foot firmly planted on the other side of the professional line he’s drawn between them on his own. But he can’t. He shouldn’t give in.

“No one has to know,” Taehyung whispers - like a promise just shared between the two of them. (Somehow, Yoongi wants to believe his words.) “Just when we’re alone… can’t we be together when it’s just us? I’ve never - I never liked someone like this. Please - I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me.”

He sucks in a sharp breath at those words, squeezing Taehyung’s hands as he smiles helplessly. “That’s the problem…” He says, “If I look at you I want to give you more than I have, every single part of myself but I can’t.”

Taehyung lets go of his hands, instead gently holding onto Yoongi’s face again as he leans in, closer and closer until their lips are a breath apart. It happens slowly this time, Yoongi has all the time in the world to pull away, to resist - but he doesn’t.

Right before their lips touch Taehyung stops.

“You’re a liar,” He whispers against Yoongi’s lips, his words brush against them but their mouths still don’t touch. “If you can’t - why don’t you push me away?”

Yoongi doesn’t have an answer to that question. So, instead of thinking of one, he closes his eyes and bridges the almost non-existent distance between them.

This time it’s a real kiss.

A secret relationship is something Yoongi doesn’t have any experience with. It’s - exciting. That’s how it feels at first. It’s exciting to receive secret smiles from Taehyung that are just meant for him, gazes stolen between interviews and shoots, a hand that brushes against his own when they’re sitting next to each other. A head that is leaning on his shoulder when they’re hidden behind the tinted windows of a car.

It’s thrilling.

He likes the warmth in his chest that burns brighter every time Taehyung touches him, every time he smiles at him, every time he opens up. Yoongi’s heart races in excitement when Taehyung steals kisses in the changing room, when Yoongi quickly has to wipe smudged lipstick off his lips while the stylists scold Taehyung and the younger pretends like he has no idea how this could have happened.

Their time is filled with these shared secrets while they completely indulge each other as soon as they’re behind closed doors. In the safety of Taehyung’s apartment, they can love each other without boundaries, without having to worry about anyone catching them. Those slow moments are Yoongi’s favorite, when he’s sitting on the balcony with Taehyung, letting himself be fed with strawberries while the other attempts to blow smoke rings and fails each and every time. He loves pressing kisses into Taehyung’s skin when they’re buried beneath the younger’s sheets, likes the way goosebumps break out over his body when he touches him.

The nights where Yoongi sleeps in the room originally meant for him become less and less. It’s way better to nuzzle into the warmth of Taehyung’s body, holding tightly onto him as they steal kisses and touches in the darkness.

“You can protect me better like this anyway,” Taehyung said to him and Yoongi couldn’t argue as he held him tightly, falling asleep with a warm weight buried in his chest.

He’s happy. He is.

“One day,” Taehyung tells him during one of those nights, smoke trickling from his lips while the lights of the city draw a bright outline around his body, “One day I will take you on vacation far away from Korea, somewhere where no one knows us. And I’ll take your hand wherever I go and I’ll kiss you every time I feel like it and I’ll go on a date with you in a random coffee shop. It’ll be just us.”

Yoongi smiles at that, feeling his heart soar as he threads his fingers between Taehyung’s, tasting smoke on his lips as he kisses him softly. “I mean it,” Taehyung whispers against his lips.

It’s not like Yoongi doubts him.

He doesn’t.

But below the giddiness in his chest, there is a sinking feeling. Something heavy that presses down on his ribs and slowly makes it harder for him to breathe. Taehyung’s words ring in his head and they initially made him happy but the longer they echo, the more Yoongi asks himself ‘Is this how it’s going to be forever? Hidden away, only able to go out in foreign countries where no one would recognize them?’

He remembers this moment crystal clear. It replays a lot in his mind because it’s the first time he realizes what the reality of dating Taehyung actually is.

But he’s happy, he is. Yoongi loves Taehyung, he really does but at the same time the whole secrecy is starting to become straining, it’s exhausting. He never thought it would happen but it does. The worry inside of him keeps growing with each passing day.

Until now, he never understood just how hard it is, not just having to keep them a secret but being by Taehyung’s side.

Yoongi has never realized how pressuring that was. In the public eye, he’s nothing more than a bodyguard, a faceless man that accompanies Taehyung wherever he goes but even that is overwhelming sometimes. The many people, the cameras that catch him as well, the pictures spread online - he’s seen everything the media is writing about Taehyung, how they dig for every tiny bit of information about him.

And when Yoongi dares to think about what would happen if they find out about their relationship, or if they would go public one day - he couldn’t breathe. He doesn’t want all that. Yoongi doesn’t want to be in the spotlight, he doesn’t want his every move and word to be picked apart. He doesn’t want to live the life Taehyung has to live.

It’s too pressuring, he doesn’t want all of that.

In the beginning, none of that mattered. He was too happy, too in love to see what could happen to them in the long run. And Yoongi is still happy, he’s still in love but the stress keeps piling up. He gets more paranoid with each day but at the same time, he couldn’t even imagine letting Taehyung go. He wants to see him smile every day, he wants to love him for as long as possible - he wants to make him happy.

So, he doesn’t have the heart to tell him all of his worries, not when Taehyung is smiling so much, so real when he’s around him. He couldn’t risk taking that away.

But still… it still gets harder to pretend like none of this is affecting him every day. It’s harder to sleep and Taehyung surely noticed. Because he’s become much softer when they’re alone. He talks more, about anything and Yoongi is thankful to have something to distract him from all the stress. Whenever it’s possible, Taehyung is reaching out for him, a hand on his shoulder, on his thigh, fingers threaded together. He’s touching him softer, as if every touch is a confession of its own.

Is it selfish to hold onto this knowing he would reach the point where he couldn’t do it anymore? It probably is. It’s selfish of him, so selfish but Yoongi couldn’t help himself. He loves Taehyung and even if it’s fucking selfish he couldn’t just let go of him despite the growing pressure that threatens to suffocate him.

Yoongi wishes he could just take Taehyung and run away with him. Far away from paparazzi, from TV screens and magazines, far away from prying eyes - somewhere where it’s just the two of them. But things are never that easy.

Because then that day comes - that day when something happens that Yoongi didn’t even have time to think about before. Something he probably should have considered but it never popped up in his mind. He never thought it would happen even though that was nothing more than a foolish assumption.

“...Excuse me?” Some part of him wishes he misheard Taehyung’s father, that he misunderstood the words that just left the other’s mouth.

“Please accompany Taehyung to a meeting with Ms. Seonghee,” The man repeats with a sigh, he’s pinching the bridge of his nose as he stares past Yoongi, “Make sure he actually shows, I know he’s not thrilled but a person of his standing should be with someone fitting their life and standard.”

Ah. Yoongi digs his fingernails into the flesh of his thighs as he tries to not let any emotion cross his face. How could he have forgotten about such an important detail?

Taehyung has been born into a wealthy, influential business family - a marriage of convenience is something commonly done to the heirs of these huge families. Especially, if they aren’t involved in the family business. He shouldn’t be surprised about this. It’s just another… just another obstacle that is holding him back, another weight that adds pressure to what’s sitting on his chest.

“Taehyung is just acting like a child, he’s always known this day would come so I don’t understand why he’s fighting it so much right now,” Taehyung’s father sighs before meeting Yoongi’s eyes, “You’re gonna make sure he shows up, right?”

Did they ever stand a chance in this world? “Yes sir.” How could Yoongi ever delude himself into thinking he would be able to stay in a relationship with Taehyung? Doesn’t it seem like they’ve been doomed from the start?

He feels empty on his way back to Taehyung’s apartment. There’s nothing on his mind, nothing in the slow beat of his heart. Just… emptiness.

Not even Taehyung’s smile that greets him behind the door could cheer him up. It’s just - empty. And that’s what pisses him off. Why is he feeling so indifferent? He’s not mad, he’s not disappointed - he’s not frustrated because Taehyung is supposed to be with someone else.

He doesn’t ask Taehyung about the woman, just tells him about the appointment and that his father expects him to be there this time. Yoongi isn’t mad - and he hates that. Has it already come this far? Has he already long accepted that he would never be able to stay with Taehyung? While he still refuses to let go first?

He’s not only selfish but also pathetic.

Taehyung doesn’t explain himself, he doesn’t have to. He just reaches out to take Yoongi’s hands into his. “I don’t want to go,” is what he says.

“I know.”

Yoongi squeezes their hands for a moment, leaning into the comfort of Taehyung’s warmth as he hides his face against his shoulder. Taehyung is resting his head on Yoongi’s, breath warming his skin.

“I don’t have a choice,” He whispers.

All Yoongi could do was hold on. Just for one more second. “...I know.”

The days become quieter between them.

Yoongi knows that Taehyung must feel that something has shifted - maybe he suspected it before as well, when the pressure started to crush him but now, Taehyung seems sure of it. It’s obvious because he’s trying, he’s trying to hold onto Yoongi but it’s like watching sand slip through his fingers.

And Yoongi hates seeing him frustrated like that, seeing him desperate because he only ever wants him to be happy. He never wants to be the reason for Taehyung to be sad but he knows he is. He knows he would have been anyway.

The day where he’s meeting Seonghee approaches fast and when it happens, Yoongi sits two tables away from them, keeping an eye on Taehyung and he’s never felt worse than he does in this situation. The smell of food, of wine, the low, classic music in the air - it makes him want to throw up. And the time drags on, never-ending.

When they finally get back to Taehyung’s apartment they don’t talk. Taehyung showers for a long time but even after he comes out completely clean, Yoongi swears he smells the woman’s perfume on him - no matter how irrational that sounds. He doesn’t sleep in Taehyung’s bed that night. He doesn’t sleep at all.

A week passes like that and it stays quiet between them. Taehyung smokes more while Yoongi finds any excuse to leave the apartment.

It all comes crashing down on him - the pressure of it all has already cracked his ribs, they’re piercing his lungs and tear them apart more and more with each breath he takes. Taehyung still holds his hand. He still sits down next to him and they still watch movies in silence.

And Yoongi wishes he had the courage to tell Taehyung that this isn’t leading anywhere, that they should just end it now instead of dragging it out.

But Yoongi is selfish and an asshole.

One day and one night.

That’s how much Yoongi gets off each month. In the past few weeks, he used to stay with Taehyung even during that time, basked in his warmth, his touches - his love.

But this night, he goes out. His own apartment doesn’t feel like his home anymore, he couldn’t stay there - not even for an hour. But going back to Taehyung’s is also out of question. He couldn’t do it. So, Yoongi goes out and drinks. A popular bar in Itaewon, drinks, and way too fast the night is already spinning around him.

Yoongi doesn’t usually drink - it feels strange. His head is heavy, it weighs a ton - the same goes for the rest of his body. There’s a low buzzing in his head while music thumps in his chest like a second heartbeat. Some time ago a guy has settled down next to him, he keeps talking to him but Yoongi couldn’t really hear his words. Everything keeps swimming. It just keeps swimming.

The alcohol burns in the pit of his stomach, it burns everywhere.

And then someone touches him. Yoongi cracks his eyes open, squirms as the man next to him puts his arm around his shoulders. He’s saying something but Yoongi doesn’t understand his words, they’re swimming in his mind, not making any sense. Hands pull him in, breath stinking of alcohol ghosting over his lips. Yoongi hates it - but he couldn’t pull away. He’s squirming, pushing but the grip on his shoulders tightens, hands around his wrists keep him close as he tries his best to get away from the strange man.

His lips taste like cheap alcohol - they make Yoongi nauseous.

The man doesn’t let him go as Yoongi weakly struggles, he keeps holding on until Yoongi feels bile rise in his throat. Only when he throws up does the man finally leave.

Yoongi doesn’t remember how he managed to get back to his own apartment.

Everything hurts.

Yoongi cracks his eyes open to a splitting headache. Memories of last night come crashing down on him and each of them adds more and more pressure onto his chest - they’re almost enough to suffocate him completely.

He brushes his teeth. And then he brushes them again. He showers and brushes his teeth once more. But even then, he could still taste the kisses of last night. Just the memory almost makes him throw up again.

It’s disgusting - Yoongi doesn’t know how he could face Taehyung like this.

Thinking about him, he takes out his phone and his stomach immediately sinks. The first notification is a text from Taehyung, barely an hour old.

Even if you had fun at the club last night, I expect you to be on time in the morning.

And below it, a push notification of a news outlet.

One click on the article and Yoongi knows it’s the same bar he went to.

And that’s when it settles in that Taehyung saw him last night. He must have seen him being kissed by someone else, touched by someone else and he didn’t even say anything. He didn’t come over and now, even right now there is nothing but indifference in this message. No demand for an explanation - nothing.

There is absolutely nothing. He didn’t even mention it. Somehow, it almost makes Yoongi laugh. Only for a second though, only until he falls to his knees in his bedroom as his vision blurs but he doesn’t cry.

It’s just one text message but it feels so - cold.

Yoongi doesn’t know why that makes him feel even emptier than before. And there is that one thought again - the one he’s been pushing away for such a long time already. How could he let himself get caught up in a mess like this? How did he get himself involved with a client knowing it’s wrong, knowing it would turn out messy? And that small thought is repeating the same words over and over again - I told you so.

Maybe… if only… if he only never gave in to Taehyung… None of this would have happened...

“You look like shit.”

Yoongi snorts as he settles down in front of Taehyung. It’s strange - sleeping at home has become strange over the past months. “As expected, right?”

He doesn’t get a reply and that makes him even more anxious. It’s sitting right under his skin, anxiety clawing at him with long nails, ripping through his flesh with each breath he takes. He resists the urge to tilt his head up, to meet Taehyung’s eyes because he’s scared, terrified of what he might see in them.

“What?” He couldn’t shut up. The anxious words keep tumbling over his lips as he sits in Taehyung’s tense silence. “You text me as if nothing happened and now you’re still silent? No questions? Nothing?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath before Taehyung speaks and somehow, Yoongi wishes he didn’t. “I know what I saw - I don’t have to ask questions,” His cold voice cuts right through his heart, “Or is there something I should ask? Something you’d like to say?”

“Yesterday - It was -” Yoongi cuts himself off abruptly. What was he gonna say? It wasn’t like that? And if it were? If it were this would be an easy out. Maybe they could stop running in circles now if Yoongi just lets Taehyung believe what he saw at the bar. Maybe then they could go their separate ways without problems. It’s for the better, isn’t it?

Maybe this is a sign that he should finally stop this - before he’d hurt Taehyung even more. There will never come anything good from them being together and Yoongi knew from the start that he’d ruin things. He’d ruin everything because he wouldn’t be able to handle all the pressure.

This… Maybe this would be better than telling Taehyung he isn’t able to handle a relationship with him. A clean, painful cut - if he hurts Taehyung now he might forget about his feelings easier, he wouldn’t try to talk Yoongi out of breaking up. Because if he did, Yoongi knows he would give in. And that would only postpone the inevitable.

It’s better like this.

“No,” Yoongi says. Surprisingly, his voice doesn’t tremble, “You saw what you saw.”

The deafening silence that follows almost suffocates him. The ground in front of him swims, blood rushing in his ears and every beat of his heart hurts more than the last. It’s for the better, like a lifeline he clings onto those words even if he doesn’t fully believe them either.

He gulps - his throat constricts. Somehow it feels like swallowing sand. “This is it then?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung eventually says. His voice is just - hollow. It tears Yoongi apart but it’s what he wanted. He decided to walk this path and he couldn’t turn back now. There is no going back. “Now things can be - what were your words again? - can be the way they’re supposed to be. You’re nothing to me but the guy who’s paid to babysit me.”

Finally, Yoongi snaps his head up, glancing at Taehyung but the other isn’t looking at him. His face is hidden behind a thick mask, a blank expression that Yoongi has seen many times before. He couldn’t even read the look in his eyes.

“I have a shoot in the afternoon, you should be presentable by then,” Taehyung says, getting up, “Oh - don’t come up to the second floor anymore unless you get my permission or if it’s an emergency. Everything you need is down here.”

Yoongi clenches his hands tightly in the hem of his shirt, trying to concentrate on the pain of his fingernails pressing into his skin instead of the immense pain ripping his chest to shreds. This time, his voice does waver as he asks, “You won’t - fire me?”

And when Taehyung meets his eyes the pain in them punches the breath straight out of Yoongi’s lungs. But it’s too late - no going back. The day when Taehyung would look at him like this was bound to come anyway. Yoongi just sped up the process to make it a little less painful for him.

“I’m not gonna make it that easy for you. Until your contract expires, I want you to look at me every single day and I want you to hurt. I want your guilt to kill you inside.”

And it does.

Yoongi continues living most of his time with Taehyung, he continues staying right next to him, and Taehyung’s words come true. Because it kills him. Not the lie he told, not that lie but the look on Taehyung’s face, the way his eyes turn cold when they meet his.

Every time he sees him he hurts because he remembers the smiles, the happiness - now every lift of Taehyung’s lips is a lie. A big fat lie. Yoongi sees the sadness, he sees the pain in the way he moves, hears it with every word he says. He breathes in the resentment of Taehyung, hears him crying in the bathroom, and smells the heartbreak in the smoke of his cigarettes.

And it’s all his fault.

He should have known. Yoongi should have known because he’s the mature one, the older one - he’s the one who knew how this would end but he still did it. When Taehyung confessed his feelings he just couldn’t resist - he couldn’t even though he knew he would never be able to give him everything he deserved. Because from the start, Yoongi knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up the secret dating. He doesn’t want to be in the public eye, couldn’t handle standing next to someone like Taehyung. He wants to love in private, he doesn’t want to fear paparazzi or fans wherever he goes. And he knew, he couldn’t have all of that with Taehyung.

But he still took everything from him. How selfish he was. He should have never gotten involved with Taehyung from the start. Yoongi has always known he would leave one day, that he would end up hurting Taehyung because he wouldn’t be able to take the pressure on their relationship but this? This was exceptionally cruel of him.

And the guilt does kill him inside.

His eyes unconsciously stray towards the display of cigarettes behind the counter of the small convenience store. He was only supposed to get some snacks for Taehyung but somehow, he finds himself asking for a bright red pack without a second thought.

Back at the apartment, he leaves the plastic bag on the counter and walks towards the balcony, stepping back out into the coldness of the night with the pack of cigarettes in the pocket of his jacket. Through the glass doors, he sees Taehyung taking the bag with him - he doesn’t even glance in his direction.

Yoongi leans against the railing of the balcony, stares down at the cigarettes and he wonders why he bought them. He stopped smoking years ago and that isn’t even the brand he used to like - it’s the one Taehyung always smokes when he gets too stressed. It’s been a long time since the younger came down here, he usually stays up on the second floor now. Far away from Yoongi.

His ashtray still has remains of his cigarettes and his lighter is also still here.

With his arms on the railing, Yoongi looks out into the busy nightlife below him, slowly inhaling the familiar scent of smoke from his cigarette and basking in the burn it leaves behind in his lungs. He hates it. But he couldn’t stop.

“I didn’t ask to be born into this family, into this life.” Yoongi remembers the words Taehyung said to him one night, smoke framing his lips as he looked out onto the city. Just like Yoongi is doing right now. He doesn’t remember how long it’s been since then. “You know, there’s an uncle of mine living in the countryside. I met him when I was a kid - My parents let me stay there instead of taking me along on their business trips. That uncle owns a strawberry farm - far away from the big cities, far away from crazy fans, from paparazzi… I wish I could live there…”

His words from back then echo in his mind and only now Yoongi realizes that the strange feeling on his cheeks are actually tears. He hasn’t cried yet - questioned himself whether he even had feelings at all because he just wouldn’t cry despite everything that happened but now there’s a waterfall running down his skin.

As if the weight of the world suddenly crashed down on him Yoongi breaks.

The taste of Taehyung’s cigarettes on his tongue and his words in his mind, his broken expression right in front of his eyes. Yoongi drops down to his knees, one hand holding tightly onto the railing of the balcony while the other digs into the skin of his face, muffling the sobs that wrack through his body like a hurricane.

He hasn’t cried before but now he couldn’t stop. And each tear, each sob tears itself through his heart. They’re shards of glass ripping his insides to shreds as he cries because despite everything - he loves Taehyung and he hates himself for it. For daring to still love him despite everything he did to him.

Since that night, Yoongi hasn’t been able to sleep well. He tosses and turns but he rarely sleeps and with each breath he takes, the weight on his chest gets bigger and bigger.

Days pass and turn into weeks, and those turn into months and the expiration date of his contract comes closer and closer.

Yoongi still does what he always does - he stands by Taehyung’s side, he pushes through fans and paparazzi, he sits one table away from Taehyung when the other meets with the woman his parents want him to marry. He still lives one floor below him and he still loves him.

It’s a realization that makes everything worse. If Yoongi could only be heartless enough to kill those feelings inside of him - but he isn’t. And the worst thing of it all is that he dares to hope that these feelings, that their roots are still stuck in Taehyung’s heart as well. Would he treat him like this if Taehyung lost all feelings? There has to be some broken part of his heart that still loves him, right?

It’s unfair and selfish and Yoongi loathes himself for it but he still hopes. All he did was hurt Taehyung but he still couldn’t let go. By now, he should have realized that either they’re not meant to be in any way or that it’s just the wrong time. Right person wrong time, right? That’s what he heard people say before. Despite everything, he’s convinced Taehyung is the right person for him but Yoongi… he doesn’t seem to be the right person for Taehyung. And he knew that from the start and he still went and broke him just because he thought he would be strong enough. He should have known better.

It must have been a mistake - ever getting together. Ever allowing himself to like Taehyung was a mistake.

If he never gave in to his feelings he would have never learned to see the way Taehyung casually lies. He wouldn’t be able to tell which expressions are genuine, which smiles are really happy - because now, every time Yoongi looks at Taehyung’s smiling face and sees ‘lie’ written all over it his heart breaks a little more.

But does he have anyone to blame but himself? Not really.

Taehyung only looks at him through a guarded mask now.

“Why are you here?”

To be honest, Yoongi isn’t completely sure either. Now, that his contract is over he could finally break free from Taehyung, from the heaviness that crushes him a little bit more each day. But instead of running away the second he gets the chance, he came back.

It doesn’t make sense.

“Am I not allowed to say goodbye?” He asks, just saying the first thing that comes to his mind as he glances up at Taehyung.

The younger isn’t looking at him though and Yoongi isn’t sure if that’s a curse or a blessing. He clenches his hands, swallowing thickly as his throat threatens to close up.

Taehyung’s voice is laced with the same monotone indifference it has been for the past few weeks and it makes something snap in Yoongi’s chest. He bites down on the inside of his cheek to stifle the noise that almost escaped his lips. He hates that indifference - he hates that the voice that can speak with all emotions in the world chooses to not show a single one to him. Because Yoongi isn’t worth any of Taehyung’s emotion anymore. Not anger, not sadness - not even disappointment. He’s nothing to him. Nothing at all.

“You just did, didn’t you? Goodbye then.”

“I wanted to apologize as well,” Yoongi forces the words over his lips, making Taehyung stop in his attempt to walk away. This is his last chance. His last chance to relieve at least a tiny bit of the guilt that is eating him up. “For everything. Every word, every lie - everything. I’m sorry I made you suffer. But whatever you think - I always loved you. I still do.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything to that as he continues to stare at the ground between them, the two steps that separate them. Just two steps but it feels like they’re worlds apart.

It’s sheer desperation that makes Yoongi speak the next words, desperation laced with the tiny spark of hope that he’s been holding onto for all this time. “Am I still there? Somewhere in your heart?”

A snort falls from Taehyung’s lips. He turned his back towards Yoongi and he’s never felt further away from Taehyung than in this very moment. His whole body hurts as he desperately holds onto his forced calmness. “What kind of question is that?” Taehyung asks.

“I’m asking if somewhere in your chest - if you still have feelings for me? Even just a little bit...”

Taehyung turns around with a smile on his lips that doesn’t reach his eyes. His gaze doesn’t meet Yoongi’s even though it seems like he wants to pretend it does.

It’s his camera smile. Yoongi presses his fingernails into the palm of his hand, it stings so much that he might be coming close to drawing blood.

It’s the kind of smile Taehyung wears when he gets recognized on the street, the smile he wears around business partners of his parents, the smile he wears when paparazzi find him - it’s not the smile he wears when he’s happy, when he’s genuine.

A lie. That’s what it is.

Yoongi could see right through it - or at least he thinks he does. Deep inside, he already knows what Taeyhung is going to say. And he knows that he won’t question a word that comes out of the younger’s mouth. When Taehyung opens his mouth his words slice through Yoongi’s chest like a jagged knife. They hurt, Taehyung wants them to hurt.

He sees it in the way he smiles so bright, so artificially. He sees it in the way his posture seems strained, he sees it in the small tremble of his lips. Yoongi sees it in the way his fingers clench around his sleeve - just for a second, such a small movement that he might have missed it if he didn’t always try his best to catch every second of Taehyung.

And when he tilts his head slightly to the right, the way he always does, the way Yoongi learned to take as an obvious sign. He knows it. The truth.

Taehyung lies as he says,

“I don’t.”