Work Text:
The shade and shadow of turning
“What have you learned ? “ Master stirred ripples in the water with her staff; well, it was little more than a glorified stick with gilt handheld on the end .
Jin’er bit down on her lip , confusion swirling through her mind like the koi fish that twirled around in the little vortex created by Master’ staff in their otherwise pristine , calm glassy pond .
“Do you always have to do that ? “ She snapped at Master distractedly .
“Oh , does it bother you? “ Master sat back , placing her staff on the edge of the red, quintessential wooden bridge that arched over the tranquil koi pond . She stretched out her feet from her plump underside , kicking her sandals aside absent mindedly.
“Must you literally always stir up trouble ? You were tormenting them ! The little fish are confused by your toying with them . “ Pei Jin whined , she wrinkled and clenched the hem of her skirt in frustration, a tear of exasperation brimming at her upturned face . She must not cry .
“Ahhh..... “ master closed her eyes lightly leaning her head back in a carefree, nonchalant manner that only further infuriated Pei Jin.
“Is that not how you feel about me ? “ master asked, arms folded behind her head , eyes still closed .
“Yes ! “ Jin’er spat. “You deceived me to go down the mountain to collect tears for you . They brought only pain to collect , and to what end ? Your amusement ? A test of my intelligence or my loyalty? As If you cared since I’m just a bartering chip to you anyway ...... I was never human to you , or how could you marry me off and act like I was your property before you even met me?! Why did you seek me just to use me ? “ the torrent of words gushed out as the first and only tear rolled down, past her steely accusing gaze .
Master was silent .
Pei Jin was done with being patient or exercising restraint and respect . She deserved forthright answers .
“You know what I think ? I think you’re just like all the demons who call themselves your friends ! They use some people as “food “ for their chi to sustain themselves and the humans they like as pets ! I’ve only ever been an inferior creature to you . You want to train me to use and harness my power , and least to handcuff it, to keep me from being a threat to you and your friends !!!! “ Pei Jin snapped , awaiting some reaction. Any reaction !
Master tensed and pursed her lips in a small pout .
“I am not the cause of your confusion or your anger . “ she still lolled about , eyes only half open, looking at Pei Jin askance .
Pei Jin Quaked with frustration . How can she say that ? After all the aggravation she caused!
“You are angry because there is turmoil inside you , Jin’er..... an outside force cannot affect what is inside you alone........ only you control where to direct your chi , your energy ....... are you sure this is the wisest use ? “ Master shut her eyes again and folded her hands in perfunctory serenity .
Jin’er so often called down fire or lightning without thinking. Master questioned why she had ever taught her these little party tricks . Pei Jin might be thinking of zapping her with a purple crack of lightning right this very moment .
“The little fish are confused because they do not understand the currents in the environment around them and how to orient themselves . I had hoped you would be smarter than a fish , Jin’er.......” Master massaged her temples . Her disciple was giving her a headache !
“Oh, don’t play all high and mighty with me ! You’re just being evasive as usual . You always crumble under direct questioning . You cannot diffuse it this time . I’m done with you! “ Pei Jin folded her arms and put her hands on her hips , half turned as though ready to walk away for good .
“Oh really? That’s too bad .......” master sat back swirling the little bottle of tears in her hand .
Like a small child in a tantrum , Jin’er remained rooted to the spot , watching for a reaction , and she felt more perturbed that none came . Did nothing reach this woman? Besides snacks........ the snacks were setting on the other side of Master .
“Well are you leaving or not ?” Master huffed indignantly .
“Well since you clearly never cared for me , I’ll take something you do care about with me !” Jin’er swiped the snacks away from master and stuffed them spitefully in her mouth.
“Jin’er ! “ Master cried , finally aghast , giving Pei Jing a flash of satisfaction. Swiping the snacks was more retribution than a flicker of purple lightning.
“That was clever , albeit a little cruel . “ master sat up grumbling .
“If you must stay , I will answer your questions . But only if you control your outbursts! I’m not obliged to answer rude and disrespectful people . “ she pointed the end of her staff at Pei Jin. Her pupil did not nod her assent , but slowed her munching .
Pei Jin bit back and apology and fell silent . She had spent too many years apologizing to this woman. She wouldn’t take the blame again.
“ I believe I asked you a question first ..... what have you learned ...... and it appears the first thing you learned is what all creatures do instinctively, lash out at what you don’t understand or what you perceive to be hurting you . And to take vengeance too... “ master wiped a crumb from Pei Jin ‘s un-remorseful pursed lips . “So you learned nothing ? “ She stared at the silently munching Jin’er, sigh . Such a promising disciple !
There it was the wheels were turning .....:
“As a demon Hunter , I am supposed to protect people from immortal demons who could drain their energy ...... but I didn’t realize how most demons come to be ....... I didn’t expect to empathize with them.........” Jin’er said softly .
Master was silent , waiting for her to continue .
Pei Jin swallowed , her eyes staring off into space . “The demons are fragments of attachment . Good people’s love and longing become twisted with pain and grief . Their attachment becomes a chain that destroys their soul and humanity . Unresolved pain and grief drives them to obsession........ like a ghost who possesses a man because he failed to save a family 200 years ago....... like a boy in a lamp , born of a mother’s longing for her son........ like a spirit of joy and music from a zither , a hope born in a dark time , a beauty turned to ashes of bitter betrayal by sorrow and loss . “ Pei Jin sighed . “Even the fear of loss corrupts a noble a d pure heart . They then stop caring who they hurt In The process of obtaining their unreachable obsession; they expand the cycle of pain and suffering to others whom they could love if they were not blinded by their attachments . I think: it
Is my job as a demon Hunter to protect people not by binding or banishing demons, but to help the demons resolve their unfinished task; to release the bondage of immortality by accepting the decay of the mortal world? How can I help them achieve peace when I myself don’t understand it ? “ Jin’er shook her head, reaching for another snack. One she handed to master and the second she chewed on herself .
“I know it’s wrong to hurt others,no matter how Noble the end......... all this pain, born out of what was once a good and noble desire ...... is detachment really the answer ?
Is existence really worth it ? All the suffering ?” She finally looked master squarely in the eyes .
“These are the questions I wanted you to ask yourself, Jin’er. That is why I sent you down the mountain. “ master took the snack and looked wistfully as she continued .
“Every mother who brings a child into this world faces the inevitability that the child will one day suffer and one day die ........ is the parent evil to wish their child to grow and also experience joy ? “
“I suppose having someone to love and care about is what makes existence worthwhile. I would hope it is the only things that lasts , and that perhaps the good is enough to make the bad worth enduring .......... but it seems to me , people and demons cannot really love unconditionally. They need something in return , . Even if it’s only to have a purpose ....... they can be so easily turned aside and corrupted by a misdirected purpose ........ “ Pei Jin tried to sort it all out.
How does this happen ?
Like Zhong Xiao and the war ........
he loved the Xie family so much ...... but he couldn’t save them or make peace with himself after their deaths ........ he seemed to feel the awful ending destroyed all the good that had been........ and that it could never be restored.
“Ah...... yes , this is the shade and shadow of turning .” Master enjoined.
“Master ? How can something so pure as love be twisted and corrupted by the shadow of grief ? “ Jin’er looked to her mentor pleadingly, imploring her to make sense of the world’s suffering and torment .
“Love is light, Jin’er . There is no shadow or turning in it ..........” Master replied .
“is it attachment ? Inability to accept change that causes the shade of corruption? “ Pei Jin pressed again.
“They lost sight of the light Jin’er . The love that is light cannot be destroyed or lost . Not by war or time or disease or death or distance . All life is chi , and chi is not destroyed it just flows from one place to the next , and if you flow with it , you will find your heart full and rejoicing with this light and love in all its forms . The bad can never take away those good and treasured times and it cannot prevent the new days of love from coming ..... no separation is permanent; it is all illusion.......... “ Master took a ragged breath and continued .
“Your job ,Jin’er , is to see truth ; to help other people and those who have lost themselves in illusion , to return to the light. That is the only way to get through the cycle of suffering and despair . We can protect people from their demons, all of them of their own making . Your first step was to see that they were worth saving .”
Enlightening as this was , Pei Jin was still troubled .
“What else disturbs you ? “ master asked .
“Wen ‘s betrayal.” Had she spoken the words aloud?
“Which is the trouble ? That she betrayed you or that you cannot forgive her ? “ master replied so quietly Pei Jin almost imagined they were communicating telepathically .
Jin’er shook her head abjectly .
“I should’ve expected it . It was the natural outcome of the course upon which she was set . I cannot blame her ..... and yet ..... it made me feel that our friendship or “love” wasn’t real....... I mean, do people only love someone as long as they get what they need or want from them ? Does all that love dissipate after a disappointment? “ Pei Jin felt this undermined the fabric of her being., of her belief in love and goodness itself .
“Light does not evaporate like water ,” master shook her head .
“Unconditional love is a dangerous idea . If we loved unconditionally what sort of monstrosity could we accept ? Holding people accountable is part of truly loving them . “ masters answer helped a little , but Pei Jin was still disturbed .
“Well ..... if love is only a cooperative exchange, then it seems sort of mechanical or hollow .....::” Jin’er was disappointed at her own inability to be unable to love sister wen unconditionally. “I fear I absorbed their pain and darkness and made it my own ......... I....... don’t feel the same .........will I grow cold ? “ Will love and hope deferred turn me into a demon too? The unspoken fear hung suspended mid air like a noxious mist .
“Love is born of need ,Jin’er ........ at least mortal love . How can you show someone you love them without meeting a need ? You love someone because they meet a need.....that is a simple truth.”
“But what need can an immortal have ? “ but Pei Jin already knew the answer :what greater need was there than meaning and companionship ? Need is still need ......spiritual as well as physical.
“Sacrificial love can only be accomplished by placing another’s needs before your own..... love that costs nothing is not really love ......” master took up her stick but did not stir the ripples around the koi . “but love should be given in return; chi is amplified in this reciprocal cycle of power being exchanged between individuals . If the receiver doesn’t recognize the sacrifice and reciprocate with gratitude, then the seed of love cannot grow. I wouldn’t ask you to be a doormat ........” master did her best to explain.
“Wen was a good friend ...... I understand. “ pei Jin’s voice cracked . “I just feel.....::: like my own feelings...... get in the way of forgiving her . “
“You will in time .........” Master placed a light hand on her shoulder .
“What do you keep me around for ? If I still pose a threat to your friends and I steal all your snacks ? “ Pei Jin half smiled .
“Yes, if you weren’t here , I could have all the snacks for myself ....... but what point is there to having all the knowledge and no one to share it with ? I even missed fighting you for the snacks ...... shared experience , Jin’er . It is the most precious gift and binds souls together into a unity that is more than the sum of its parts . “ Master tapped her lightly on the shoulder and popped the last snack into her mouth.
“This is the last i have to teach you ........” she said , mouth muffled with food.
Pei Jin shook her head but smiled this time.
She had thought hunting demons would be about calling down fireballs and lightning . Creating and dispelling illusions .
But the greatest power was found in shared experiences, listening to shared memories , sitting quietly and absorbing in understanding. The power of being understood could set free the tormented souls .
So really ...... to be a proper demon Hunter .....: one had to become a sort of spiritual counselor ...........
It finally dawned on Jin’er as master vanished . She had never been mortal either . ...... at least not for a very long time . What had the teacher lost ? What made her come back to teach Pei Jin ?
A flash of light , and another memory floated down from the sky, drifting lazily like the fireflies from her bamboo tube . It reminded her of the shimmer of the lectern....... was that what it was ? A portal to accessing the memories of people in stories ? Jin’er wondered where her teacher had gone and how many times she must suffer love and loss before she could finally accept it herself . Easy as it was to help others let go of their painful pasts , something still nagged at her ..... she rubbed her neck self consciously considering jumping from one life into the next . It could wait ..... for a little while ...... she had earned this moment of peace . This moment of joy. This moment of rest . Xie Cheng and chu yunqing were waiting for her .......