Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

CHAPOTER ONE

Rgerard sat in the car with baited breath today was the day he would finanlly meet his longtime hero, fred. Joinimg him were his freinds and people he did one performance with the band weezzer they were alos extremely excited or whatever writin gis hard. they finally pull up to the house and gerard's heart is beating fast in chest.

"r u okay gerard??" asks rivers cuomo.

"yeah i'm fune" answerd gerard, very visibly not fine "i just didnt sleep well last noght".

oh okay - rc

they walk up to fred's house and ting the doorbell.

I wrote this in 10 minutes and it is intentionally bad so take it

"HIIII" says fred in his regular nasally high putched voice you know it's funny bc i kinda thought that was an editing thing but apparently it's just his real boice who knew "uh um uh" g-man says STARSTUCK "he says hi" says rivers name of the pizza place that recently closed down in my town.(edited)

\CHAPTER TWO the gang enters his house the walls pf the fred mansion are lined with (soemthing relevent to him and funny and clever idk i never watchwd hos bodeos). Gerard looks araiund again very starstuck as he's meeting his longtime hero and ispiration, fred figglehorn is that his last name(?). Fred starts the tour in his foyer and ends it also in the foyer i imagine his house to have a circular layout like in a sitcom with a bunch of nonsensical exits and such. just basically whatever is convininet for the scene at the time. "Wow ypu have such a nice house" gerard remarks still reeling from meeting fred. "thank yoy fred responds you know scamming kids out of their parents money is hard work but someone's gotta do it. Suddently a cowboy hat appars on his head allowing fred to tip it in a comedic fashion. while supplying a wink and a blinding smile to the nonexistent camera.
Rivers who had been inspecting the room decides to join in on the conversation "what was that"

fred: "anyways" (he says this in singsongy tone like when people change the subject idk what i’m even adding this you can probably infer that) and gives a nonchalant smile. (i also imagine he like tilts his head like a confused dog lmao)

gerard, rovers, the rest of weezer and fred then shuffle into his living room to watch a movie and presumably talk

Fred: "do you guys want something to drink"

A.N. I’m gonna b honest this script thing isnt working for mwe i’m returning to the form of a mashup type thing lmfao.

Gerard: no i’m okay, thanks tho what abt you rivers and also the rest of weezer who i definitely know the names of.

river’s : i’ll have a beer if you own alcohol (i have no idea what rivers is like irl so i’m shoving him into the straight man archetype) (not as in he is a straight man althiugh i think he i sbut likke how in sitcoms there’s always someone whose grounded and like down to earth who goes “guys this is stoo much” he’s the wet blanket basically)

Fred: i do not

rivers : then i’ll just have a diet coke with a little orange slice on it all fancy like

Weezer but not rivers: do you have shirley temples (i imagine they’d b saying this in l;ike perfect synchronization.)

Fred: yeah i do, i’ll go get that 4 u7 i’ll b right back.

Fred moves to go into the kitchen to get the drinks (duh) when suddenly the lights go out. (dun dun dun)

Gerard: screams

Rivers: whoa what the hell
Fred comes back in covered in red shit

AHHHHHH (everyone screams)

Rivers: what the fuck.. Is that… blood

Fred: nah it’s just the shirley temple syrup it fuckin exploded all over me jesus christ

Rivers: oh okay *to gerard* *whispering* looks like blood

Gerard: *to rivers* *also whispering* dont b stupid fred is amazing he’d never hurt anyone

Fred then starts handing out the drinks

Fred: Gerard i know you said you didn't want anything but i got you water just in case, i also brought the rest of the orange bc i didnt wanna waste it.

The camera zooms in on the orange it looks like this but the eyes are closed and a chunk is missing.

They take their drinks and fred starts cutting the orange into evenish slices, dividing them up amongst everyone and handing out the drinks.

Chapter Text

Fred: sO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA WATCH?

Gerard: i’m up for anything tbh how abt you guys

Rivers: well i’ve got an amazing movie in mind

Weezer: rlly lets hear it

Rivers: okay so basically A young extraterrestrial, separated from its family and stranded on Earth, finds friendship with a boy in a wheelchair. The movie is called mac and me

Gerard:that sound really shit-

Fred: wow that sounds like the peak of cinema let’s watch it.

Gerard: yeah i agree with fred that sounds super cool and interesting let’s watch it

The gangTM proceeds to watch their shitty movie and eat the orange slices provided by fred. Gerard thinks the movie sucks ass but refrains from saying so to save face with Fred who thinks it’s really good. And revers + weezer who think it’s good ironically. They all agree that it deserves to win an oscar and pledge to try to get it into the running (they're rich celebrities so this is in the realm of possibility for them.)

Fred: well that was an amazing movie. i t should win an oscar.

Gerard: yes i agree it’s amazing best movie ever made for suree, fred you have the best taste

Fred: thank you gerard u have good taste as well

Rivers: wait… you guys actually think that movie is good… cringe.

gerard: IR CRINGE

rivers runs out of the room crying and the rest of weezer follows him presumably to comfort him.

fred: *looks at gerard* what

gerard: nothing it’s just that you coulda been a little niceer

fred: well that’s what he deserves after saying that about mac and me the best movie literally ever

gerard: ig ur right...

fred: anyway it’s getting late we better head to bed

gerard: very true, gn fred

fred: gooddnight ahhahahahahahhhahahaha

free: damn sorry idk what came over me sheesh

gerard it’s cool, gn 4 real

and with that our heros have tucked themselved into bed and r sleeping soundly… or are they 🥵

Chapter Text

Rooster: cock (haha) a doodle doo
rivers: (thinking) man the hell i didn't know fred owned roosters welp ig i’m awake now i’ll go down and get some coffee

Rivers: (still thinking) wait a sec… i made such a fool of myself last night i better do something cool this morning to make up for it.. Mayb i’ll take up smoking or something that always works in 90s sitcoms… at least until they get lung cancer or soemthing. Anyway gerard smokes i wonder if he’ll lend some cigs

Rivers then moves downstairs to see (relievingly) that no one else was awake yet. He makes himself a cup of coffee, black with heaps of sugar and sprinkles, but holds off on eating anything until fred wakes up. He may be a bit of ass (in this story not irl i know nothing about him) but he isn't a rude house guest. He lounges on the purch and decides to start fights on twitter with his kin doubles until everyone else wakes up.

*two hours later*

GeraSFKDJXGHBNF: ‘Sup rivers

Rivers: oh good morning gerard

Gerard: what r u up to rivers, nothing embarrassing and juvenile i bet ur way too cool 4 that even if you did cry like a baby last night.

Rivers: yeah haha.... No dw i’m doing something really really cool

Gerard: oh yeah? What r u doing?

Rivers: i cant tell you it’s one of those things where it loses it’s magic when you say it out loud. Besides it’s super underground you probaba;ly havbent heard iof it uir not exactly the coolest person i know yk

Gerard: yeah sure *rolls eyes*

they then sit in comfortable silence (they r friends you know) eventually gerard makes another cup of coffee and offers to make one for rivers as well. Who declines bc he cant just ask gerard to put sprinkles in thetre that’s so fucking weird and after last night’s stunt he will never recover from that.

Gerard: alright suit yourself

Rivers then puts on the bossa nova music channel which he discovered after looking up “cool music” on google. He and gerard 8=====> then sit in silence. (you know this is getting more serious this is like the moomins abridged series).

FRED: I HAVE ARRIVED!!!! HOLD YOUR APOPPALBVES EVERYBODE

rIVERS: *under his breath* what an assholr

Gerard kicks him lightlky for that remark

Gerard: GOODMORNINMG FRED

Fred: my mom is making pancakes for all of us and she wants to know if we also want some tea

Rivers: yeah sure i’ll take mine with honey please

Fred: HONEY!! Clearly ther superior adage is sugar

Rivers: no dude it;s honey

Fred: no, sugar

Tivers: if you were a true tea lover you’d want honey in it it’s the supieriuor way.

Fred: what are you talking about people have always pout sugar int their teas it’ds what ti’s made for

Rivers: tradition means nothing to me.

Fred: well that’[s stgupid

gerared: if you were that devoted to tea you’d drink it straight without dilkuding it or anything i mean thiunk about it do you think when tea was first invented they did anythbuing like that.

the boys share a grave look knowing what they must do. they each grab a bag and shove it into their mouths wincing at the texture.

graed: holy shit, i didnt think you'd actually do it

Fred and rivers lock eyes glaring at each other with watering eyes, neither willing to give in, despite the taste. It's no longer an argument it's a battle of wills and a test of who's the better man. 3 minutes in Rivers chokes on a particularly gross tasting mouthful of leaf infused spit and dropping the bag out of his mouth. fred throws his arms up in celebration