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“Hey baby, I’m home!” Sirius calls out as he kicks the door shut behind him and toes off his shoes before heading into the kitchen to start unpacking the groceries. “I know you haven’t been feeling well so I got you those mango smoothies that you like. I was doing some reading and I figured we could probably mix some protein packets in them for you. Then again that might ruin the taste of the smoothie but…”
“Sirius,” a small voice says.
Sirius turns around from where he was putting vegetables in the fridge to see Remus standing in the doorway. He’s wearing sweatpants and the pair of grossly oversized fuzzy socks that Sirius got him for Christmas since his feet were always freezing. But he has a hoodie on too, despite the fact that it’s unseasonably warm outside today, and he’s playing with the edges of the sleeves.
“I did something stupid.” Remus said looking at the floor.
“Okay,” Sirius says as he steps away from the fridge, letting the door swing close behind him.
Remus just stands there so Sirius waits. Eventually, Remus squeezes his eyes shut and slowly rolls up his sleeves before tensing his hands into fists. There are three shallow cuts on his left arm.
“Oh Moony,” Sirius says as he steps towards him and carefully takes Remus’ hands in his own.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that everything got so bad and I couldn’t… I couldn’t make it stop.” He opens his eyes again but still can’t look at Sirius. “Seven years. Seven years clean and I threw it all away.”
He starts to cry and Sirius pulls him against his chest, running one hand through his hair reassuringly.
“I’m sorry,” Remus chokes out between tears. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he murmurs into his curls as he plants gentle kisses onto his head. “It’s okay. This does not erase the last seven years, okay? Look at me Remus.” He takes a step back so that Remus can look him in the eyes better. “Recovery is not a series of tally marks on a page. Yes, you had seven years clean but it was so much more than that. Those words, that number, it doesn’t encompass the nights you’ve lain awake fighting this thing in your head, the days it took everything in you to choose yourself, the days when the darkness felt like the furthest thing from your mind, every coping method you tried that didn’t work, every article you read, every doctor’s appointment where they told you nothing was wrong. Remus all of that, every little thing you did over the past seven years and before that, everything you continue to do, this cannot erase any of that.”
Remus slumps against his chest. For once, he allows Sirius to hold him up as he falls apart.
“I never thought it was going to get this bad again… I hoped it wouldn’t.”
“I know. I know. And this probably won’t sink in right now, but I need you to hear it anyways,” Sirius says as he tilts Remus’ face up to his so that he can look into his eyes. “You are one of the strongest, bravest most caring people I have ever met and I know you can get through this. You’ve gotten through it before and you’ll do so again. That doesn’t mean it is any less shitty or difficult this time around. I still love you. The fact that you cut yourself doesn’t make you any more or less than who you are.”
Remus nods in the way that Sirius knows means that he doesn’t really agree or believe what he was saying. Sirius doesn’t mind though. He’ll say it again, a thousand times if he has to. He’ll say it as many takes as it takes for Remus to believe him.
“Did you clean them already?”
Remus shook his head slowly. “I wanted…” He pulls the sleeve back down and starts playing with the frayed edges again. “I wanted to let them bleed a little longer.”
“Okay,” Sirius says as he takes Remus’ hands in his own to steady them. “Are you okay if we clean them up now?”
Remus nods gently and Sirius guides him into the bathroom. He has Remus sit down gently on the tub as he rummages through the cabinet looking for the hydrogen peroxide, cotton swabs, and bandages. He gestures for Remus to roll up his sleeve which he does, turning away from Sirius again as he does so.
“Can I ask what you did with the blade?” Sirius says as he kneels before him, using a wet cotton swab to clean away the dried blood.
“I tucked it up under the sink on that weird ledge in the cupboard.”
“You never need to hide anything from me Moony. Do you still need it or can I put it away?”
“Would it… would it be okay if we kept it there for just a few more days? Just in case.”
“Of course,” Sirius says as he tips some of the hydrogen peroxide into a cap. “This is going to sting.”
And Remus loves him for that. Remus loves that even though he knows a few hours earlier he was using a blade to split his own skin open, he still thinks to warn him about how the medicine might hurt. He still believes in Remus’ ability to feel, even when Remus doesn’t believe in it himself.
Sirius pours the liquid over his arm and Remus watches the white bubbles that pop up, thinking of his mother and scraped knees. The way she’d lift him so gently over the sink and kiss his band-aids better. He remembered when he believed that she could make all the pain go away. He remembered when he believed that every wound would heal.
“Can you tell me if you use it again? Or you can come get me, I don’t mind sitting with you if that’s what you need to do. I just want you to be okay and safe while we work through this.”
Remus nods slowly. It’s all he can manage right now. He thinks of the lonely years when he battled this beast alone. Thinks of the all the people who saw his monstrosity and walked away. It didn’t matter how often he told them that it ebbed and flowed like the phases of the moon or the tide. Sometimes was too much for them to handle. They didn’t want his broken parts. They only wanted him when he was whole.
But with Sirius, they are a ‘we.’ We’re going to get you into therapy. We’re going to have a psychological assessment done. We’re going to try that new treatment. We’re going to keep track of the symptoms of the new medication. We’re going to get you help. We’re going to clean your cuts, make sure you’re okay, make sure you aren’t alone.
Sirius pours the hydrogen peroxide over his arm a few more times until the fizzing is almost gone. He grabs a cloth to wash the rest off Remus’ arm before putting on the antibiotic cream. He lays a clean sheet of gauze on before taping it down. He knows Remus hates band-aids. He knows it helps Remus’ to see what he’s done. Helps to curve the craving. Helps to provide some relief. The gauze will be easier to slip off later when the scabs have had time to form.
Then Sirius leans down slowly and plants the softest of kisses onto his arm. And Remus launches himself off the edge of the bathtub and wraps his arms around Sirius’ neck. The weight of the surprise hug knocks Sirius off his heels and onto his bottom but he just coils his arms around Remus’ back and holds him just as tight.
Once he can feel that Remus is relaxing. Once he knows he’s doing a little better he speaks.
“I got those mango smoothies you like if you think you can stomach one.”
Remus pulls back just slightly from the hug and wipes the tears and snot off his face as he nods.
Sirius leads them back to the kitchen. The frozen peas will have gone soggy by now and the ice cream has probably melted but it doesn’t matter. Sirius steps over them all to reach in the fridge and get one of Remus’ mango drinks and then he curls up with him on the couch as he finishes it all. And when Remus falls asleep in his lap he isn’t thinking about soiled groceries or jagged cuts. He’s thinking about how soft Remus’ curls feel on his fingers. He’s thinking about the first time he looked into those green eyes and realized he was in love. He’s thinking about the future and the knowledge that they’ll get through any storm as long as they have each other.