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“I like you too.” it was too fast for Renjun’s liking. The way the sentence sounds much more desperate and hasty, the feelings that he had to keep to himself, that he tried to deny for a very long time came out in just one breathe. The time felt like it stopped for some reason, the stars that adorn the sky that night were very sparkly like glitters, like how he remembers the glint on the person on the other line. He’s very much fidgety because of the silence.
“Jeno?” he tries because now, he’s concerned.
“Woah. no --I mean, um uh. I never thought you like me too. The very first time someone likes me back. Wow, Jun it’s been two years and we’re finishing the course soon. I’m telling you this so I can just get it over with but well it took a happy turn. I’m glad.” Jeno sighed.
Relieved that what’s he guessed from the tone of Jeno’s sighed. Renjun can feel his cheeks burning, ears, neck, and how his heart is hammering so fast in his ribcage.
They talked on the phone for hours that night, Jeno spoke about how he likes Renjun, how he finds Renjun attractive. Telling how Renjun brings great comfort to him and he’s a really good friend to everyone around him. He thinks that was his chance to just be transparent and just tell him everything, so he did that. He wants Renjun to feel his sincerity and letting out everything he pent up himself.
“But Renjun, we don’t have to take a step forward if you don’t want to. We can not put labels on this, I know you said you like me too, but I want you to be sure if you want this too okay?”
Renjun hummed, feeling giddy, smiley before reluctantly saying goodbye and ends the call. He stared at the night view from his apartment’s balcony with a small smile dancing on his lips. He feels it. The butterflies erupted in his tummy before it turns into another thing. Overwhelmed. He shut his eyes and desperately tries to breathe and grabbing the white rails of his balcony.
‘This can’t be happening’ he thinks to himself.
Renjun stares blankly at the empty street in front of him. The night breeze is chilly and he cursed lightly that he forgets his jacket. Donghyuck who's opposite of him is currently frowning and concern was written all over his face, fingers tapping to an unknown rhythm on the table.
“ Are you sure Jun? But I'm actually curious besides breaking up do you have any other solutions, did you even consider other options?” Donghyuck sighs out.
“Tell me how long did you stand my annoying whinings. It took me approximately two weeks to say yes I want this and even before that, I kept on getting anxious. It became much worse now that I’m in the relationship Hyuck. I am very tired of crying every single night. I know he sees it too. The way when we stepped over the line of being friends, I become much colder, like it’s going back to square one, a stranger. You know how was my friendship with Jeno before we become boyfriends. Now all I feel is it's all a burden, it’s very overwhelming Hyuck, very tiring.” he chokes on the pain he feels in his chest, and the tears flow but he didn’t bother wiping it.
Donghyuck was stunned. He reached out to hold Renjun’s hands that are clenched in a fist. He definitely listens--more so read all of Renjun’s rants but he doesn’t know that it affects him that much. Gently, he untangled Renjun's fists and holds the other’s fingers.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay Jun. I’m here. I’m sorry that I don’t know it’s this bad. Fuck.” he gets up hastily and hugs Renjun. Wiping away hot tears while rubbing Renjun’s back.
“It hurts so much Hyuck.I-I don’t know.” voice muffled in Donghyuck’s shirt. He lets Renjun cries his heart out that night and wishes the best for his friend. He’s sad to see his friend like this but all he can do is to be there for him.
Renjun doesn’t like this. How he constantly worries over small things. How he thinks he’s not good for Jeno. Well, he is not good for Jeno. Jeno is so far ready, ready to give everything, ready to change himself, to put effort into the relationship. It just doesn’t make sense how Jeno loves him so much that when he himself doesn’t have the courage to say the words yet.
It’s when Jeno said something along the lines “ Do you really like me or you’re agreeing to be in the relationship out of sympathy?” that it struck to him. It struck him how deep is Jeno’s feeling and does he really like Jeno? Or he just likes the idea of Jeno liking him? That doesn’t make sense because what’s gonna explain the meaning behind his 2 years crush on Jeno.
He can’t help it. He can’t help but ponder. The feeling of sick every time he thinks of this because it’s overwhelming. Jeno knows. He sure does when all their dates he seems awkward, distant. Some of the time he ignores Jeno’s messages saying he just doesn’t feel like it when in reality, he trembles over the fact is he doing good, Isn’t everything going too fast? Much more when Jeno says he loves him. He wasn’t ready at all. He drags the hoodie sleeve he’s wearing to wipe away the tears but cries harder when a whiff of the scent, Jeno’s scent came across.
“Jeno, I’m going to say something so please listen until the very end of it.” Renjun stares down at their hands and then everywhere around the place. The very first place they went for their first date. A small hut they found beside the river near Renjun’s neighborhood. Jeno’s thumbs slowly caresses the small hands in his and nodding as a signal for the other to continue.
“ I don’t deserve you. I feel like I’m burdening you. I never had this experience so it’s very hard for me you see. You’re very ready to give you’re all. I’m scared Jen. It’s on me. The problem is me. I’m pushing you away Jen. This is me telling you, You deserve so much more than me being unsure Jen. A person that is much better than me. I don’t want you to be hurt from my actions-”
“No. Don’t. " Jeno let out a rough breathe he's holding. "What if I want you Jun? What if we can work it out? It’s been only a month.” Jeno tightens his grip on Renjun’s hands. He doesn’t want to let go.
“I love you Jun.” along with the trembles in Jeno’s voice Renjun looked up at him. He entangled Jeno’s hand from his. Vision blurred and his heart breaks apart.
“I love you too Jeno. I really do. I never love you out of pity. I’m sorry. I can’t go on with this relationship. Thank you for everything.” he leans in and pecks the other lips. Just enough to taste the tears that streamed down and to capture a memory of sweetness.
He got up and slowly walks away from the boy he loves.
“Does the part where we love each other couldn’t be enough reason Jun?” there’s pain in Jeno’s tone but Renjun chose to ignore it.
“ Take care Jen.” and he runs, runs harder than ever, tears streaming down his face. He runs through the night and sobs harder.
Somehow, I knew someday
This would hurt 'cause I could never let you go
He knows very well that it’ll pain him more than he thinks. He knows somehow not trying will cost him pain but he doesn’t care. He didn’t want to put Jeno in his emotional outbreaks and pains. I hope we remember each other in our next life so that I can you love how you deserve to.
Jeno puts the polaroid of him and Renjun in the box. A small smile forming to ease the pain. He remembers how he actually followed Renjun who had break things off run because he was worried. He remembers clearly how when Renjun stopped and let himself fell down at the park in front of his house, instead of getting up he rolled to his side and continue sobbing. It pains him to watch Renjun like that so he walked away with tears and the love he’s offering.
He wouldn’t ever forget the night. Even if he wants to, he can’t. It’s just a few months back though. “ You’ll always be my first love Renjun, but I think we owe it to ourselves to move on from the pain of the past. I hope you heal Jun. I know you’re strong. I hope we meet in our next life too. So I can love you more than I do and not let you go. ”
All I do is get over you
And I'm still so bad at it
We outgrew the love we knew
But I still wish I had it
I let myself want you
I let myself try
I let myself fall back into your eyes
I let myself want you
I let myself hope
I let myself feel things I know that you don't