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"Hannie, I love you."
Jeonghan flinches. He raises an eyebrow, looking up at Jisoo in confusion, acting as if he didn't just hear the younger man's words. He shakes his head, "Excuse me?"
They were alone, standing in the middle of the practice room—Jeonghan and Jisoo—face to face. Shua walked into Jeonghan practicing by himself about an hour ago, dancing with his heeled boots clicking on the floor, whilst he sings the lyrics to their new song. He startled the Angel when Jisoo made notice of his appearance, and they both laughed about it. They decided to practice together. One thing lead to another and Jisoo is suddenly confessing his long-dying love for Jeonghan since they were trainees in front of him.
Jisoo takes a step closer. Jeonghan doesn't move. He looks into the older man's eyes, they were roughly the same height—Jeonghan maybe a few centimetres shorter—so it was easy for Jisoo to stare right into the Angel's captivating brown eyes. "I love you, Hannie." he confesses again. Jeonghan's heart freezes on the spot. Jisoo continues, "And it isn't in a platonic or brotherly way, or any of that nonsense. I love you, and I love you more than anything else."
Jeonghan shakes his head again, his fingers twitching on his sides as he tries to process his best friend's words.
I love you, Hannie.
I love you.
It can't be.
Jisoo's his best friend. Surely he would've noticed by now whether Jisoo liked him in that way or not. But, then again, Jeonghan was always oblivious to love and it doesn't help right now with his feelings growing to Mingyu and his eyes always trailing on the taller boy.
Maybe Jisoo does like him and he just got used to the love. Maybe he has mistaken his love for friendship.
I love you, Hannie.
His hands begin to shake.
He curls them into fists, taking a step back. A chuckle forces its way out of Jeonghan's mouth, his pink lips quivering. "J-Jisoo," he stutters. Jeonghan hears his voice rasps at the edge of his throat, unable to say the other's name. "Wh-What do you mean? Y-You're joking right?"
Jisoo gulps down a hard lump in his throat, feeling his heart stinging.
You're joking right?
He steps forward to the blonde-haired man, watching as his lips part, his eyes wide and looking at Jisoo up and down with pretty wide eyes. "Hannie, I'm not joking, I love you. I love you so much." Jisoo's voice was soft and sweet. Normally, it would've relaxed Jeonghan, make him smile at how tender and patient his friend can be. But with the words coming out of Jisoo's mouth, it can only make Jeonghan's body freeze into hard ice.
"H-How–?"
Jisoo cuts him off, gently grabbing Jeonghan's wrist and placing his palm flat on the middle of his chest—exactly where his heart would be located. Jeonghan's eyes widened even more, his breath shortening, his heart melting from its unfrozen state and pounding into his ear. He could feel Jisoo's heart beating under his palms, his fingertips. Thump. Thump. Thump. Short and quick. Just like his.
He flinches when the cold air of the practice room hits his skin, goosebumps spiralling all over his arms—the colour washing off of Jeonghan's skin like a washcloth wiping paint off a surface.
It was just like when they were trainees.
When it was evaluation day and Jeonghan would sit in the corner, his knees curled up to his chest. Him shaking despite the fact that his body temperature is gradually getting warmer and warmer, and that it was summer. His heart was beating in his eardrums so, so fast and his brain was spiralling as if the world was spinning around him. Jisoo would head towards him, grabbing his hand as he sat crisscrossed in front of Jeonghan. The older would bow his head down, not daring to risk a glance at Jisoo, as his face inches closer to his every second.
"Can I touch you?" he'd say, resting his other hand on Jeonghan's knee.
Jeonghan's breath would hitch, and Jisoo would squeeze his hand that's snuggled perfectly in his palm.
You're already touching me. Jeonghan would think.
After a while, when evaluation day would come up every month and Jeonghan would sit in the same corner, in the same position: his knees curled up, shaking, with his heart beating in his eardrums. Jeonghan would then realise that Jisoo meant that he wanted to touch his hair—maybe sometimes his face—so he would just give the younger a tiny nod as he felt Shua's fingertips would ever so gently brush the strands of hair that was covering his face and away from his eyes. His fingertips traveling to his face, to his cheeks, the subtle warmth ghosting on his pale skin.
At first the Angel would flinch, and the warmth of Jisoo's touch would vanish in an instant. And after a few seconds, back again. And this time he wouldn't flinch. Jeonghan's lips would part, his dark brown eyes widening as the fingers guide his face up, his eyes gazing up at the boy in front of him. Jisoo. Hong Jisoo. Jeonghan eyes would shake and snap to the side out of embarrassment—his cheeks flushing a bright pink that would eventually spread to his ears like wildfire.
Jisoo would speak to him in a soothing, calming voice and the words would melt in Jeonghan's ears like warm caramel. He would still be holding Jeonghan's hand and the hand that was once on his face would rest against his knee, Jisoo's thumb circling the joint in smooth rhythms. Maybe sometimes tapping slow beats, as he studies Jeonghan's features with curious and interested eyes. Jeonghan wished Jisoo would look at him with the same soft gaze and the same gentle touches forever.
Eventually, that hand would move to his chest, where Jeonghan's heart would be beating. Short and quick and all over the place. And Jeonghan wouldn't know if it was because of Jisoo touching him and looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world; or because of the amount of anxiety and pressure that he needed to perform perfectly in front of the other trainees and teachers.
Jeonghan hated attention, but he needed to deal with eyes being on him 24/7 in able for him to live his dream and become a K-pop star. Whether that meant that those eyes were supposed to be filled with adoration or with hatred. But, he also loved the attention Jisoo was giving him. And the younger was giving Jeonghan's heart and body and emotions the exact same crisis as the anxiety did before he came.
Jisoo would grab Jeonghan's wrist, and just like he did a few seconds ago, place it on his own chest, where Jisoo's heart would be located. Jeonghan would look at him with dark, wide eyes, his lips parted, his face all flushed and pink. The exact expression he showed when Jisoo would touch his face the second time. The younger would only give him a soft smile, telling Jeonghan to study his heartbeat and try to match the pace of his heart with his own. Slow, methodical, and soft. That was what Jisoo's heartbeat felt like under Jeonghan's palms and fingertips, and almost always have been.
Until now.
Now, it's exactly the opposite. Jisoo's heartbeat felt exactly like Jeonghan's several years ago. And it's for an entirely different reason.
"Hannie," Jisoo says, a soft smile on his face as he studies Jeonghan's gorgeously flawless features. "I swear my heart does backflips every time I see you and your beautiful face"—he lets out a chuckle, his thumb rubbing the smooth, pale skin of the back of Jeonghan's hand—"Jeonghan, I love you so much, it drives me crazy. You drive me crazy. And it's not only because of how gorgeous you are, but also because of your angelic personality. Everything about you, it drives me insane."
The words left Jeonghan empty, something pinching his hollow chest. He stares blankly at his hand pressing against Jisoo's chest, feeling the soft but quick beat of Jisoo's heart thumping against his palm and fingertips. Short. Quick. All over the place.
Jeonghan's breath cut short, his parted lips quivering. Tears prickle at the back of his eyes, his shaky finger curling onto Jisoo's chest, his knuckles turning snow white. Jeonghan's fingertips caught some of the fabric of Jisoo's shirt crunching it a little as his hands curl into fists, pulling down the shirt to reveal more skin on Jisoo's chest. He was wearing a black long-sleeved button up to match with his dark hair—the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and three buttons on the top opened, revealing plenty of skin already.
But, Jeonghan can only focus on his hand on Jisoo's chest, the way his heart thumps on his skin, the words he said to him a few moments ago running and replaying in his head like a never ending tape.
Jeonghan, I love you so much,
It drives me crazy.
You drive me crazy.
Love you so much,
Everything about you,
It drives me insane.
Insane—
"—Hannie?" Jisoo says, his voice shaking a little. His brows are furrowed with a frown tugging at the sides of his lips.
Jeonghan's facial expression doesn't change, he lets go of Jisoo's shirt. His hand falls to his side.
"I'm sorry..." Jeonghan whispers under his breath. He continues to stare straight ahead of him, his gaze still holding on Jisoo's chest. He could still feel the same thumps beating on the tips of his fingers. His voice quivers, his own heart stinging when he speaks. "I-I don't feel the same way..."
Jeonghan's eyes trail to the side, not daring to look at Jisoo's face, afraid of what he looks like. He can practically hear Jisoo's heart shatter on the floor, the silence around them filled with hurt, betrayal, and confusion. It hurts Jeonghan knowing that he can't like Jisoo the way the other does to him. But, he knows it hurts Jisoo more.
Jeonghan bows his head down, shutting his eyes, tears burning at the corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry, Jisoo, I'm so sorry."
He shouldn't. He shouldn't be sorry at all, he can't control himself to love or not love someone. Jisoo shouldn't be sorry as well. But Jeonghan can only feel his thoughts guilt-tripping him as they pound in his brain.
Hearing Jisoo say his name stresses Jeonghan out on many levels.
"Han—"
"I'm sorry, Shua, I don't like you like that. I can't—"
He cuts himself off, the pain of the stinging in his chest increasing with every word either Jeonghan or Jisoo says. Jeonghan does the only rational thing he can think of right now. Leave. He turns around, his back facing Jisoo. He walks a few feet, his hands wrapped around the door, before hearing Jisoo speak once again.
"It's because of Mingyu, isn't it?" There were no signs of loathing written in the edges of his voice yet, it somehow freezes Jeonghan's entire body up.
Jeonghan sighs. He says nothing. The silence is killing him more than his feelings but, he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what to do. So Jeonghan lets it burn him, lets it burn both of them. He hears Jisoo's light footsteps behind him, his fingers finding his way to Jeonghan's hand on his side. To both male's surprise, the elder doesn't flinch. Jisoo rubs his thumb against the back of his hand, somewhat relaxing the Angel.
"Hannie, look at me." Jisoo says, his voice like a whisper to his ears. Jeonghan hated how Jisoo could sound so kind and relaxed despite having his heart broken. But, he also loved it so much at the same time, knowing he's not mad at him, unlike the way other men reacted when Jeonghan rejected them. They were so angry and forceful it scarred him.
His hand slipped from the door handle, his back pressing itself against the door. He doesn't dare to look into Jisoo's eyes, nor face. Instead, he stares at his chest again—staring at Jisoo's bare chest, at the three unbuttoned buttons on the top. Out of instinct, his fingers placed themselves on the collar, then sliding down at the sides where the buttons were stitched. Jeonghan buttons two of them, leaving the top button open. He hears Jisoo's light chuckle above him, and it melts a smile on Jeonghan's lips hearing that beautiful sound again. He feels Jisoo's fingertips on his cheek, brushing and tucking some strands of hair behind his ear.
It was just like when they were trainees.
The Angel feels a tear slip the corners of his eye, then a tender thumb rubbing it away. The fingers guiding his face to tilt up and to look up at Jisoo's face, Jeonghan's eyes locking with the other's. This time, he doesn't look away.
"You like Mingyu better don't you?" Shua asks. Again, there was no edge in his voice, and he spoke to Jeonghan like he normally does. Soft and calm, the words like pure and cold air in Jeonghan's ears. Jisoo gives him a warm smile, the corners of his lips curling up like a cat.
Jeonghan finally speaks, deciding to say whatever is on his mind that's true. "As a crush: yes. But as a person: no. I like you both the same."
Jisoo nods, giving him a small "Mhm." In return. He sighs, the edges of his eyes falling, making his smile look like a sad one. He brushes some strands of hair away from Jeonghan's face, his fingers caressing his cheek. "Good luck, then, Hannie. Mingyu definitely likes you. Who wouldn't?"
Jeonghan also puts on a sad smile that doesn't reach his eyes. It wasn't for Shua though, it was for himself.
"You're so beautiful, Hannie. So beautiful."
Jeonghan looks up, his eyes meeting with Jisoo's brown ones once again, and he feels the younger lifting his chin up a little more. Jeonghan fingers twitches on Jisoo's chest when he realises the younger is staring at his lips. His fingers tightens around the collar, when Jisoo leans down slightly, their lips inches away from one another's. Shua freezes on the spot and pulls away, and Jeonghan feels the fire in his chest burn down and melt his frozen state.
Jisoo steps closer, the gap between their bodies closing. Jeonghan looks up at Jisoo once again, awestruck, with the same wide eyes a few minutes ago. A soft gasp escaping his lips when felt Jisoo kiss his forehead instead. Shua's lips are warm against his skin, and Jeonghan can tell he's closing his eyes like he is too. Jisoo pulls away, the sound of a wet kiss being heard. He lifts his chin up, resting it on top of Jeonghan's head, kissing it gently as he wraps his arms around The Angel's slender body. Jeonghan hands moving to wrap around Jisoo's shoulders, his face burying in the crook of his neck—his back pushing against the wooden door even more.
Maybe Jeonghan doesn't like him.
Maybe he chose someone else other than him.
But, he'll always support his angel.
He'll always love him.
Even if it leaves him with a broken heart.
A tear escapes the inner corner or Jisoo's eye, and he smiles the sweetest smile a man has ever made as he pulls Jeonghan closer to him.