Chapter Text
I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me." Elizabeth Gilbert.
There is something about her fifth resident.
New Amsterdam is a chaotic mess that daunts most people, although a few thrive on the challenge and become excellent public health physicians. Dr Lauren Bloom is a terrible attending, and current circumstances make the situation worse. All attending must take on an intake every year, and even Lauren being the badass head of the emergency department, can't change this law of the universe. This year has the added flavour of pandemic and desperately sick poverty. She has no idea why Leyla Shinwari manages to capture any of her attention, much less preoccupied, so many moments.
It's especially strange because Dr Leyla Shinwari is several orders of magnitude her least problematic charge. It may be prejudicial bullshit that she has to repeat the residency to qualify in the states, but the previous experience does make her an efficient worker. The only major thing she has to put on the woman's evaluation forms is sometimes overly confident in her decisions, especially in the heat of an unstable patient. Lauren presumes that comes from working in the refugee camps. It helps that Leyla is older than most of the other residents, only a few months younger than Lauren herself. She has an air of life experience that the others lack. It feels like they are more equals than mentor and mentee. Lauren wonders if some of the fascination in how different this woman is from previous flings and conquests.
"There is something different about you." Helen muses over lunch.
"Well, that small fortune in private rehabilitation was worth the humiliation and pain, right?" Lauren shrugs somewhat defensively.
"No that's not it." Helen insists her dark eyes alight with the mystery.
Lauren is about to reply when she sees Leyla Shinwari walk past the corridor, talking amicably on the phone in her native language. Dr Bloom cannot help the surge of curiosity at making her most mysterious resident smile like that. But, unfortunately, Leyla keeps things close to her chest and doesn't volunteer information; Max insists on holding even in the ice breaker games.
"Lauren, my friend, why are you looking at Leyla Shinwari like she is the answer to one of the Millenium Prize Problems?" Helen asks why following her gaze.
"I can't figure this one out; she is an enigma, older, wiser but more guarded." Lauren muses out loud, keeping her eyes fixed in place.
"She is smart, willing to work every job, good connection with staff and patients alike. I would trade you all of mine for more like her, but it still doesn't explain your anime swooning face." Helen insists, waving her fork to capture Lauren's attention back.
"She's also one of Sobor Hurricane Janine's outreach programmes. So I can figure out if it's all an elaborate plan to reconnect with me again through medicine. Not that Leyla Shinwari needs to justify her presence here, I would clone her work ethic too." Lauren offers are shrug before turning back to her salad.
"I will state that taking notice and an interest in people isn't a bad thing, Lauren, whatever the cause. Also, it is doubtful that Leyla Shinwari is an ideal spy for your high society queen mother, whatever the state of her sobriety. "
Lauren grins at the comment and switches the topic to something lighter. Her relationship with Dr Helen Sharpe is still on the tenuous ground after the intervention. Still, Lauren will always be grateful for somebody willing to handle both her urine and daily pills. She wouldn't be still at this hospital with the chance to obsess over residents without her friend's unwavering devotion.
***
Day One: First Meeting
Their first meeting was certainly memorable.
Some of Lauren Bloom's best and worst patients are the 'frequent flyers'. The ones who fall through the gaps in the system that are a mile wide. Each shift, the doctors and nurses do their best to fix the worst or most broken parts. If you are lucky, they will be willing to listen to outreach services, but mostly, they give a sad, resigned look. The preventable conditions that sweep through this population are depressing but unavoidable. Some of their world views are equally problematic and troubling.
"Dr Lauren, I will not have that foreign doctor treat me." Bob insists on his drunken slur.
Lauren feels her spine stiffen at the words from Robbert 'Bobby' Gregory III, who is too young to spout some of the hateful lines. The son of a prominent southern family who managed to flunk repeated rehabs and interventions is known for their conservative views and love of the previous president. But, unlike most of the family, he doesn't have the sense to hide it. He didn't get help after returning from three tours, and all the money in the world couldn't keep him from self-destruction. There is a familiar routine with this patient.
"Bobby, I will not have your speaking about my people that way. I suggest you stay quiet and lie your way through the examination until your Daddy gets here." Lauren snaps at the man.
"She doesn't belong here. If you have seen what I..." Bobby begins.
"Finish that sentence, and I will force you into an involuntary hold and you know your record doesn't look good. ." Lauren threatens, baring down on the man.
Maybe it's because Lauren Bloom allows herself to feel things again that it has such a profound impact. Lauren feels her hands clench in frustration, but it isn't her regular scrabbling for a pill. Instead, she has when people come in insulting staff members for everything from the colour of their skin to hairstyles. Working in the ED can be thankless enough without adding that spanner into the works; such words tend to disrupt the rhythm for the entire shift. Thankfully Casey moves in and takes over primary care.
"You didn't need to do that, he won't be the first or the last to make such comments." a voice said quietly from her shoulder.
Lauren turns and faces her newest resident. Dr Leyla Shinwari looks like all the others. In her too white lab coat, fresh from the laundry. She is older than her peers in the residency programme by quite a few years. It shows in the way the slight woman stares her down without breaking eye contact. Lauren feels her breath catch for the finest moment before she gathers her wits.
"Nobody messes with my people, much less the newbies to the ED. I can't afford a high turnover rate, especially with somebody of your experience, Dr Shinwari." Lauran manages to keep her voice even as she leads the woman away.
"A discreet way to phrase my circumstances, Dr Bloom." Leyla tilts her head in consideration.
Day Fifteen: First Chaotic Shift
Lauren almost feels bad for her charges, or she would if this wasn't part of the process.
There is no residency programme in the world that is easy, outside the bounds of television. The reality is that people who desire to become doctors either flame out early or fight tooth and nail to stay. The five people in this intake at New Amsterdam are no different, but the pressures of poverty, pandemics and uncooperative patients make her residency one of the most challenging. A shift of nearly two weeks it has most of them almost run off their feet.
It's an unenviable combination of a winter road, black ice pileup and struggling to stick to pandemic protocols. All the bays are full with people waiting in every available overflow space. The scale goes from moderate injuries to a cure for the operating theatre. Lauren fears that she may be making the wrong decisions, but there is no time to think twice.
"Bays 2-7 are stable, or at least close to it. Do you want me to help Nurse Acosta triage the overflow?" Leyla asks as she catches Lauren at the nurses' station.
"Go." Lauren instructs firmly.
"We need more units, or 1 and 6 will crash. Can we put any more pressure on the bank?" Leyla asks as she flings her latest charts into the racks.
" We can try but Max Goodwin and only walk and watering so many times." Lauren says grimly.
The endless hours of the shift pass like a whirlwind. Lauren and her resident's running themselves into the ground, trying to deal with all the patients. Robin, Leyla's closest friend, wears a hole in her running shoe and needs to borrow a pair somewhere. Lauren comes close to diverting patients to other medical centres, but every ED centre deals with similar issues. Besides, the board frowns on such measures in all but the worst circumstances.
Lauren loses track of when her shift ends, which isn't uncommon. However, she does feel an added sense of responsibility when it comes to her charges in the residency programme. Everybody except Leyla Shinwari looks like they are about to drop exhaustion when the final ambulance pulls away and the next shift finishes handover. Lauren sends them home with thanks congratulations. It takes her an hour to realise that Leyla Shinwari is sitting in the corner furiously writing notes.
"You know, that whole dismissing thing wasn't voluntary. There are regulations about such things." Lauren says quietly.
"I'm waiting for the adrenaline to work its way through my system. It seems wasteful not to use the energy to finish my notes." Leyla points out reasonably.
"Hurry up, and I'll pretend I haven't seen you." Lauren concedes while hiding a yawn.
"Thank you Dr Bloom."
***
Day Fifty: First New Amsterdam Moment
Leyla Shinwari and Max Gladstone are a study in opposites.
The new Medical Director is a mystery to almost everybody at the hospital, including the board. Lauren Bloom freely admits that she does not have many people skills to speak of; additional recovery only worsens these tendencies. Lauren counts herself fortunate that he backs doctors in trouble, but that doesn't mean she can co-sign all of his 'saving the world' initiatives. Becoming the unofficial mediator between him and Leyla Shinwari happens almost accidentally. Max wants to connect with the refugee communities that make the poorer parts of New York home.
"Dr Shinwari, we need to have an accurate count of people so we can get them the necessary vaccine..." Max begins skipping to keep up.
"Which is all noble and wonderful, but do you have any idea what 'being counted' means for most of these families, official records, and paper trails. Even if they are here legally, plenty doesn't trust the authorities." Leyla explains with an edge to her voice.
"This is public health emergency..." Max points out, matching her tone.
"My country is still dealing with record numbers of TB and Dengue Fever; it doesn't mean people can drop everything to answer to call of preventative medicine." Leyla points out, turning to stride away.
"Why isn't she listening to me, I am trying to help." Max turns to Lauren, looking for answers.
"She has a point. You can't just presume that everyone will trust you, even if you bring along my resident as some sort of mascot." Lauren points out, running a hand through her hair.
"I would never do that!" Max insists forcefully.
Lauren is saved from replying but the alert of an incoming ambulance. The familiar adrenaline wipes everything else from her mind. Leyla and the rest of the residents fall into step behind her. Leyla is still muttering angrily in her native language, but she has the sense to wait until make is out of earshot. Lauren will need time to soothe her ruffled feathers, but she has faith in the other doctor to do her job. Maybe this therapy thing is working if she can face the concept of delegation without breaking out in hives.
"I'll talk to him at the end of shift; maybe there is a middle ground somewhere." Lauren offers somewhat meekly.
"How does that man work at such an unfunded institution. With a less than savoury reputation and still float around here glowing with idealism and the desire to change the world? New Amsterdam's turnover rate was exceedingly high until that Dr Goodwin?" Leyla sounds more baffled by this than the rest of her day put together.
"He is the great mystery of our times and medicine. Max is genuinely trying to do good with his unconventional powers, though." Lauren confesses while shrugging her shoulders.
"I'll meet with your idealistic unicorn of a medical director." Leyla concedes with a sigh.
Day Seventy-Five: Feelings
Lauren hasn't felt bisexual feelings for a while; not that is a surprise. An addict's biggest aim in life is to avoid them.
There is nothing remotely romantic about the way recovery makes you feel. Lauren Bloom doesn't have much time for metaphors. But somebody once described recovery as having no psychological armour or padding-left. Every feeling hits hard and makes you ride something of an emotional rollercoaster which is when many people struggle to stay the cause. Feelings for Leyla are gentle and sweet but still unwelcome at the time.
"Zach Liggons is going through the programme. I'm on his list, shocker there."
Lauren Bloom makes an almost theatrical sound of disgust as she storms into Iggy's and throws herself into the chair. She hands over the 'amends letter and waits for his reaction without much patience. The note came through her hospital mailbag, so it's no surprise it took the admin staff weeks to force her to clean out the pile. The look of the familiar handwriting sends a jolt of hot anger and sadness.
"Do you feel that this is just another of his emotional manipulations, gaslighting? The quest to get the great redemption arc," Iggy asks as he reads through the letter carefully.
"Of course, but I wouldn't give him Big Boss status villainy, more like selfish jerk category. It's just spectacular timing now I can't stop thinking about her..." Lauren falls back against the chair with a frustrated groan.
"Her..." Iggy prompts, giving Lauren time to answer the question.
"There is a slight possibility I may be developing feelings for one of my residents, Leyla. She's grumpy, obsessive, stubborn and Casey thinks she is me with better grammar before you go all Grays Anatomy judgement on me. She is my age, repeating her second residency to practice, and has more emotional maturity than I can hope for in a lifetime. It's not even a real thing yet... just a feeling." Lauren shrugs and hunches her shoulders defensively.
"Leaving aside the fact that I wasn't going to leap to any of the presumptions you put in there. Tell me, which of these aspects affects you more? Why did you need to see me? Shrinks have a reputation for mind-reading, but there are limits."
"Both, neither, I don't know." Lauren shrugs helplessly.
"Lauren, your emotions are heightened right now. There are reasons that addicts are actively discouraged from seeking relationships or romantic engagements, not that I'm implying that neither is in play right now." Iggy keeps his voice as gentle as possible.
" Nothing can happen. Leyla Shinwari is a machine with a focus on the final prize. I can respect that drive." Lauren deflects with an affectionate smile.
***
Day One Hundred: A Crack in the Facade
Lauren Bloom is not the person you want comforting you in a crisis personally or professionally wise.
All attendings get ratings for their ability to teach and instruct the next generations of doctors. Unfortunately, new Amsterdam's overall evaluations are bad; Lauren Bloom's are almost comedically worst. The most common complaint is that she doesn't seem to want residents and barely tolerates their presence. The charge is hard to argue against since it is undeniably true. Lauren had a short fuse when her main source of comfort was ADHD meds, and losing only heightens the situation. When a baby doctor is in trouble, she tries to shepherd them to Helen, Max or Iggy. The unofficial parental figures of the hospital.
"Your country is world-class at false promises."
Lauren stops in her tracks when the familiar voice interrupts her musing on the way home. Dr Leyla Shinwari sits on one of the benches outside the hospital, clutching that truly ugly backpack for dear life. Lauren faces the temptation of making her excuses and bolting for a moment, but something makes her stop and take a seat. It has been a long day but not an abnormally terrible one. Lauren mentally reviews the patients to see what might be upsetting Leyla.
"People shouldn't be dying of preventable diseases in a country with world-class health care. I shouldn't be having the same conversations with some parents that I have in the camps." Leyla explains with a helpless look.
"You are going to get that at most public hospitals here, uncomfortable. There is a class system for medical practice and everything else—children are sick with an endless parade of preventable illnesses. It doesn't make it fair or right, but it is the stay of things. Mercy is cleaner, fancier if you a looking for happier workdays." Lauren offers bluntly, feeling her inadequacies acutely.
"No, I'm not going to give in; I came to America for a reason. Paediatrics at the frontline of new medical developments. My mother dreams about seeing my names in lights or something at the offices of a shiny hospital. It's cheesy, I know, but she won't admit to watching soaps. Such achievements are decades off." Leyla offers a faint blush touching her cheeks.
"That's understandable and kind of adorable. Can I offer you a few slices of pizza as compensation for a bad day?" Lauren makes the uncharacteristic gesture.
"This offer could change once you know about my pizza preferences that involve pineapple. It's so cheesy, but in my defence, they were the cheapest in med school. Do you invite all your residents out for compensatory meals?" Leyla raises a sceptical eyebrow.
"Us senior doctors have rotating shift, for the residents that look truly pathetic by the side of the road." Lauren jokes before bumping their sides together.
"I would be affronted, but that's the best offer I've had this week." Leyla shrugs her backpack over her shoulders in a quick move.
"Let's go and have terrible pizza together." Lauren says, following her up.
Lauren tries not to let the giddy smile appear too obvious as she follows this prickly woman down the street. Somehow this moment seems like a victory and something special. She needs to make a note to talk to one of her many therapists about the subject.
***
Day One Hundred and Fifty: Stages of Denial
Lauren Bloom is an expert in denying things, her uncomfortable feelings for Leyla Shinwari are easy to add to the list.
"Weren't you a little hard on Leyla just now? She did save a woman's life." Casey points out mildly while they are signing charts together.
"By reaching well above the skill level of a first-year resident, 2 millimeters. The lawlessness of refugee camps do not apply here." Lauren points out, huffing in exasperation.
"Of course, but there weren't a lot of options at the time. She isn't exactly a regular baby doctor either.." Casey points out.
Lauren does not want to have this conversation. The amount of paperwork that this incident will require is already giving her a headache. Irrationally Dr Bloom feels more annoyed that it is her best resident that is causing trouble. The rest of her charges are varying degrees of uncomfortable and incompetence. The brilliant and stubborn woman who fought to be here shouldn't be taking such risks. So there is a frustrating mixture of personal and professional emotions in play.
"If she wants to practice field medicine, she can apply to one of the medicine reality shows or Médecins Sans Frontières, at the end of the year." Lauren insists forcefully.
"They tend to frown if you seek too many deployments close together, but I will keep that in mind." a wintery voice.
Lauren resists the urge to jump as she whirls around and see Leyla coming up behind her. There is a stack of charts in her arms, but her gaze is perfectly blank and neutral. They have something close to stare off for several moments, but Lauren looks away. Leyla gives Casey a friendly smile before returning her attention to Lauren.
"If you have something to say to me Dr Bloom, I would be prefer you say them in person." she offers a brittle tone in her voice.
This lecture is the part of medical teaching that she hates the most, especially for a doctor with Leyla's talents and skillsets. Helen and even Max are far between and walking the line between instructive and firm. Lauren obliging moves them to a relatively private part of her domain before facing the other woman.
"I am responsible for your conduct in this department. You were certain of your skills for a good reason, but that doesn't mean protocol can be ignored. I was in the next room, both our heads would be on the line if you were off by the slightest movement." Lauren points out, working to keep her voice even.
"She was going to die." Leyla snaps back.
"Maybe, but that's a reality you need to face one starting again in the medical ladder. The decisions are not yours to make."
***
Day Two Hundred: Crossing and Holding Lines.
Leyla Shinwari's secret life is surprising and heart-breaking. But, it's the pen and the iPod that give her away.
Rehab moderates Dr Lauren Bloom hours to some extent, but she is still the first to arrive at the last to leave most shifts. Max and the rest of the senior doctors don't have the luxury of questioning her fitness beyond the psych reports from Iggy. ED is the centre of New Amsterdam's pandemic and general health response. Her charges either learn to keep up or plead for a mid-year transfer. Lauren doesn't care overly much, which they choose. Dr Leyla Shinwari breaks this tradition by beating her shift length traditions.
"Goodmorning Lauren, Where do you want me to start today?"
Lauren glares at the other doctor with a vaguely accusing look. Even if the traffic gods were on her side, there is no way that Leyla could make it to do the hospital from her listed address this early, not with her hair still this damp and clutching that plastic pen and clipboards. Lauren struggles to put the pieces together.
"Did you crash here last night, you know that Brantley and the others frown on such things?" Lauren feels the need to take some level of responsibility and supervisory role.
Lauren expects a sheepish smile and a quick promise never to do it again. Instead, Leyla freezes and clutches the pen that goes with her everywhere. It takes a second to realise that she is worried about more than a minor infraction of the hospital rules and a possible write up in her file. An addict knows liars. In particular, their effort to get out of the desperate situations with a look or the right word. Lauren has a feeling that the crash room is more than a temporary home.
"How many nights have you been staying at the hospital, Leyla?" Lauren asks, keeping her voice soft.
The other doctor stops to pull her into a relatively quiet corner, out of the open plan area's main. Luckily the shift doesn't start for another twenty minutes, plenty of time for whatever awkward conversation needs to happen now. So instead, Lauren focuses on that stupid backpack and pen collection.
"Why do you keep hoarding pens and other hospital stationary? Public hospital budgets do not stretch to the good stuff. Let me tell you." Lauren watches the other woman carefully.
"I..."
"Why do you treat an iPod like it's your lifeline? I haven't seen one of those in years." Lauren tries to keep her voice gentle.
Leyla hunches in on herself. The proud woman is caving under the interrogation. Lauren hates that her words are responsible for such a reaction, but she needs to know the truth. The idea of Leyla on the streets in the middle of a pandemic makes Lauren sick to her stomach. It's a mixture of professional and personal regret.
"Things are fine. I'll figure things out; your mother's stipend only covers so much in New York's expenses. The pens and iPod reflect a life of frugality. Which is the last thing I wanted to bring to your attention." Leyla confesses with a catch in her throat.
"Let me help..." Lauren begins.
"No I will be fine."
"My mother will want..." Lauren tries again.
"Don't you dare. Staying in your country was always going to be difficult."
"I have a spare room, 5 minutes from the hospital."
"Please stop talking now, Doctor Bloom." Leyla warns, a glint in her eyes.
***
Leyla is braver than her, which is hardly a surprise.
They fall into a rhythm of gentle denial and professional regard. The last thing Lauren wants is to fall into another inappropriate relationship. Least of all bring someone down with her. Interpersonal relationships are a staple of medical television and many hospitals; even it is heavily discouraged by the residency administrators. New Amsterdam is no exception to the rule, especially in the desperate year of too many shifts and not enough patients alive to show for it. Of all the residents, Leyla Shinwari cannot afford to play hard and fast with her reputation.
"Thank you for the offer, Lauren. However, I think it would be best if we keep our distance till the end of my first year, then we can explore this thing..." Leyla's tone is formal while gesturing rather vaguely between them
Lauren Bloom blinks in surprise when she sees her fifth resident at the door of her apartment. It's possibly a violation of one of Brantley's guidelines, but she can't muster the ability to protest, one way or the other. Leyla's reaction shouldn't be a surprise. She is stubborn, prideful and loathes pity above all else. Lauren is self-reflective enough to know that there is enough definite danger of 'White Knight Syndrome.' Still, she doesn't think that her resident doesn't have options beating down her door.
"You cannot couch surf for the rest of your residency year, and there will be more people. investigating the use of storage closets." Lauren points, leaning against the doorframe.
"I'll figure things out; it wasn't easy doing the boards in between jobs. However, I am still a doctor performing well in my second residency. Campaigning for special status since I came to this country and relying on international charities, including one of your mothers, does a number to my pride. There are still limits to how far I am willing to go in the name handouts." Leyla's perfect English is clipped and harsh.
"Nobody would need to know; I'm an expert at keeping things discrete, far more so than any of my mother's philanthropic efforts. You can pay me back with interest..." Lauren is aware she is almost pleading.
"The second I take your money, it would make a distant dream disappear completely. But, surviving was possible before meeting a misanthrope yet brilliant ED head, and it will be so again. You just caught me at a particularly bad few nights; there will be no more stowaways at the hospital." Leyla straightens her spine and gazes at her challengingly.
"What is this distant dream?" Lauren asks with genuine curiosity.
"To be in a position to ask a beautiful woman out and not feel the differences in our status and power dynamic as a crushing weight. Nobody talks about that reality in the romcoms." Leyla offers while fidgeting nervously and summoning a nervous smile.
"Leyla..." Lauren begins rather helplessly.
"No. Don't answer now; everything is messy and weird. You can't say anything just as a person; everything is caught up in either me being your resident or the charity case. I could also be making a total fool out of myself and be about to meet your brilliant spouse and six children." Leyla tries to joke.
"Why are you standing next to a big house tree thing?" Lauren asks for lack of anything else to say.
Leyla makes the slightly absurd gesture of holding up a large potted plant almost half the size of the other woman. Lauren blinks at her struggling to make sense of the scene or strange offering. The senior doctor vaguely recognises the tree thing from her mother's infrequent forays into interior design. But, unfortunately, she was so focused on the conversation; it takes a while to bring anything else into focus.
"This was a ridiculously impulsive purchase when things were looking stable. It was half price and fit perfectly in the first housing unit, sun and everything. Would you take it for me, in your 'large extremely sparse' house?" Leyla shifts uncomfortably on her feet.
"I am not that good with real or living things."
"I disagree." Leyla says with an awkward but charming smile.
Lauren gestures for her resident to hand over the tree before talking herself out of the decision. Leyla is overly careful not to increase their proximity, you could blame the habit of COVID protocols, but Lauren suspects something more is at play. The other doctor gently places her home tree into the sunniest corner of the room before quickly turning and leaving the hallway again.
"If it's any consolation, I am no Hugh Grant or any similar metaphorical person, you need to be 'better' for." Lauren offers as she leans against the frame again.
"Says the woman whose family money is, in the truest sense of the word, feeding and clothing me. This boundary is a line I need to draw, Lauren; neither of us is the for Hollywood endings." Leyla points out with a hollow laugh.
Leyla stares at her blankly for several minutes, playing with the chain at her neck. She wants to say so much, but Lauren knows instinctively that the distance grows between them with every pacing moment. Any hope of exploring the dynamic will relies on respecting this boundary. She will need to learn how to take care of an expensive tree in the bargain.
"If you have nowhere else to go, or if whatever you put together falls apart. Please know you can always come here, no questions and central heating are a guarantee. I will hardly be here. We can avoid each other entirely," Lauren offers, her lips twitching in a sad attempt at a smile.
"That wouldn't be a selling point for me, Lauren." Layla replies quietly.
“I’ll see you in the morning, Leyla.”