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Beth.
She was always there.
When he needed her to be, when he wanted her far away. She was just there.
Always with that soft smile playing at her lips. Those big damn eyes looking at him like he was something worth looking at.
He hadn't realized how much he relied on her until she was gone.
A mistake. Such a mistake. He should have told her. Should have fucking yelled it throughout the prison, letting everyone know exactly how much this sprite of a woman affected him.
But he didn't. And wouldn't.
He never acknowledged the stir of emotions she invoked, never paid them any attention back then.
But locking eyes with her now, from across the hall, seeing her for just that single moment, everything came back to him ten fold.
She wheeled Carol in front of her, their hands locked together, ready to be free of this place. This hospital that reminded him more of prison then the real prison had.
Beth had marks on her face, bruises and scars and it made his blood boil. His fingers twitched at his holster.
But the exchange went smoothly. He had his arm wrapped around her the second she was within reach. She was there and warm, and his hand wanted to roam, make sure she was really real. That this wasn't another of his mind tricks.
"I missed you," whispered against her brow. The only words he could manage.
And he swore to himself then, right that very moment, that'd he'd tell her everything.
Apologize for thinking the worst, for taking her for granted, for missing her as much as he pretended not to.
But then things happened.
And then Beth was laying on the ground, her warm blood splattered across his face. And it took a minute to process. Why was she laying down? Where did this blood come from? What was that loud bang?
No.
His heart lurched to a stop.
No.
His breath caught in his throat.
Not her.
"Beth."
The last of his oxygen escaped his throat in a sob. A whimper.
And then Daryl was holding her. Cradling her to his chest. Carrying her through the doors. To her sister...
And Rick shook his head, because what else could he do? What could he say?
"I got her killed."
"I fucked up."
"I never should have let her go."
Maggie wouldn't care what he had to say. Daryl wouldn't hear him.
They were going to bury here near the church. Next to the weeping willow he'd spotted on their trek to find her. She'd like it there.
But then other things happened.
And Tyreese was the one being buried and Beth was left alone in some car, locked and sealed away so the Walkers wouldn't get her.
And he'd never failed someone more than Beth Greene.
Daryl didn't talk much to begin with, but even less now as they walked. Their destination still unclear, just moving along, putting miles under their heels.
They needed the distance. The unfamiliar terrain to push away the memories. The loss. The god damn wrongness of Rick's stupid decisions.
And Rick cried that night.
He hadn't cried in ages. Not like this.
"Beth." He whispered, looking up at the stars, wondering if she was up there.
Later on he caught Daryl doing the same thing.
It took weeks to get where they were going. To get right and well and moving at a more steady pace.
Daryl tracked, and plotted. He planned and hunted, but his steps seemed off kilter. Like he was missing something vital out here in the woods.
Rick knew what it was.
Who it was.
He didn't mention it.
Soon, days later, they were being greeted at a gate. A large fenced in community with clean (or somewhat clean) streets. Running cars and running water.
And then they were being piled into a building with rooms and beds and clean clothes, and it felt like a cage.
They were given jobs and tasks, things to do to fill the hours of the day, in exchange for rations. Small meals that looked like a god damn feast laid out before them.
Rick ate until his was full. He couldn't recall the last time he was full.
And then he did, and it nearly caused him to choke on his rice.
"Daryl got two deer! It's like Thanksgiving out here, you better come eat." Beth's voice echoed in his head.
He shook it away quickly, hoping Daryl wasn't recalling the same memories he was.
Things got better.
Judith never stayed in one spot anymore. She crawled and toddled around, bumping into nearly everything that was even remotely breakable. And Carl cut his hair. And Rick shaved his face.
It was cleansing. It was refreshing.
It was stupid.
He'd gotten comfortable. He let his guard down. He let his mind wander. Let his heart heal.
And then more things happened, and he wasn't ready.
Because Morgan was standing in front of him one morning, on the other side of the fence, rambling on about a crazy woman who survived a head shot and how he needed shelter and HOLY DAMN IT'S REALLY YOU RICK GRIMES!
And he was rushing the woman in. This blonde sprite of woman with those big damn eyes and if he didn't know better he'd swear it was Beth.
But Beth was gone and lost. And surely this was an illusion. But then....
"Rick?"