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It's a little embarrassing that this is where Chan ends up at the end of the day.
It's not not what he wants. It's just not the first place he should have gone for it. Or the second, or the fifth, or.
Ulysses snuffles at his ear, uncomfortably wet and cutting through Chan’s thoughts. Then he puts a paw in his lap and stares with big, forlorn eyes, like he knows what Chan is thinking about. Chan ruffles his ears, uncomfortably aware of the fact that he's being watched.
Vernon scoots closer to his side, which is probably a little uncomfortable, considering that they’re on the kitchen floor and the tile is cold and he’s wearing shorts. Chan doesn't want to look at him.
If you asked Chan about love, he could tell you a hundred different stories. He can't help but stumble into it, even though he tends to not look for it. But it always sneaks up on him; just one more minute with Wonwoo's hand in his hair, please. Twenty more minutes in this studio with Soonyoung, please. A few moments too long of something mundane and he realizes that it’s love. He keeps hoping that it will happen here.
So, he knows all about love in unattainable places. But now that it's all but fallen into his lap, he's so afraid of it that it almost feels like repulsion. But he feels bad thinking of it like that; Vernon doesn't deserve that. Vernon doesn't deserve any of this, really.
Ulysses lays down right on Chan's feet, all 45 pounds of him. "Hey," Chan protests, wiggling to get his feet free. Ulysses flicks his eyes around resentfully, as if to ask, Why are you on the floor if you're not going to play with me? Chan can't help chuckling at the same time Vernon does. He holds himself uncomfortably still as Vernon sprawls out on his stomach, hyperaware of the muscles in Vernon's shoulders flexing under his t-shirt. He probably shouldn't be looking. It feels like he's taking advantage of the situation even though he definitely has permission to look. Do more than look, if he wants, but that makes him feel worse.
"How are you feeling?" Vernon asks, nudging his chin at the glass of wine in Chan's hand. He'd needed something to take off the stress of the day, and Vernon's kitchen usually does the trick.
But sometimes it adds to it. That’s a recent development.
For now, Vernon looks warm and inviting in the dim glow of his kitchen, curls sticking up in places where they probably shouldn't, eyes soft as he watches Chan. He has the prettiest eyes of anyone Chan knows, but he would go off the grid before he admitted that. Chan likes it best when they're out and he can look without getting caught, watching Vernon's gaze flit between intense and bright depending on who he's talking to. Then, he can admit to himself that he only has a physical appreciation for his best friend. Like this, he’s forced to acknowledge that Vernon is much better at playing the role of his boyfriend. Mostly because Vernon isn’t playing anyone.
He swishes the wine in a circle and smiles. "Much better, thank you," he admits. Vernon smiles a little brighter, rubs Ulysses a little more vigorously. He rolls over and offers his tummy for more rubs.
"Are you ready to go to bed?"
Chan tilts his head back and downs the rest of his wine. It's more bitter than what he usually likes, leaving his mouth dry, but he takes what he's given. "Yeah, " he breathes out, and when he tilts his head back down Vernon has a glint in his eyes.
That's what he wanted. It makes him feel both apprehensive and guilty.
He sits on the edge of Vernon's bed and pets Ulysses while Vernon washes up on his own. Ulysses keeps giving him these wide-eyed looks like he thinks Chan is going to bolt. Then again, he probably should. It’s a little eerie that the dog might understand the situation better than he does. He pushes gently at Ulysses’ muzzle until he complies and lays his head on the ground with a huff.
It started like this: Vernon admitting in a quiet voice that if they keep this up, he’s going to fall in love with him. Chan, seeing the boundary that was being drawn and pushing it until the dam burst.
A few times he thought he could have fallen in love too. In those moments when Vernon knows exactly what to say, when it gets late and the night is only sweet because Vernon is there, when Vernon lets him lean into him in public and holds him tighter. He thought those moments could make it love.
But the guilt he feels every morning reminds him it’s not. Now he keeps his best friend on a tenuous rope because he doesn’t know how to stop pursuing what he’s started.
When Vernon comes back into the bedroom, he shoos Ulysses away and takes his place, leaning over Chan. His expression is open and fond when he slides a hand around Chan’s neck. Against his better judgment, he feels a drop of appreciation in his chest. Chan knows how this part goes, scrunching his nose and beaming back in a way that he knows is cute. Vernon takes it as permission to kiss him soft and slow. Chan settles his hands on his waist and hopes that Vernon can’t taste the apology on his tongue when he kisses back.
For now, he leans into the equal parts of warmth and guilt that threaten to overwhelm him. Maybe one morning he’ll wake up and meet forgiveness.
