Work Text:
Birthdays are often celebrated with joy and happiness. While some would argue that this was not worth celebrating, another year with the same routine as the one before, optimists would beg to differ. ‘‘This is another year of your life,’’ they would argue. ‘‘Is it not worth celebrating another year of your life? Another year of surviving in this harsh world?’’ Many celebrate this special event with friends and families. They would hang around beautiful balloons, organise a feast just for you. For you, however, there was none of this. Not since you started your living with Poseidon that is. Everyone was surprised, but none was more than you when the god who is worshipped and feared by gods and humans alike took an interest in you. Everyone, including you, thought that the god who hated humans the most would never lay his cold piercing eyes on you. It was beneath him after all. At first, you didn’t know how to react. Should you be frightened? Or should you be honoured? There was no one scarier than Poseidon. The little movement could offend him on his worst days. If you had to describe him, it would be that he was the calm sea before the impending storm. And yet, as he tried his best to court you, you believed that the god couldn’t be as bad as they described him to be. On his best days, he was the best partner you could ever want. But on his worst days, on days when he would be so far away that you could not understand him anymore, you wondered if it was all worth the pain. Did the good days outweigh the bad days? Or did the bad outweigh the good?
He made loving difficult. Some days, you ruminate over this belief. ‘Is love supposed to be this complicated or is it a particularity which came with being in a relationship with him, a god who is above gods and humans alike?’ You didn’t know the answer even as you entered your fifth year together.
You didn’t know what he was thinking about in the early days of your relationship. He was complicated. His expression never changed. He was always infuriatingly impassive. He was like the statues sculpted in his honour. Cold, out of reach with a frightening indifference in his eyes.
And as you look out to the view outside of your balcony in the palace of the god of the sea, you can’t help but let out a scoff. For these last five years, you tried to elicit even the slightest expression from him. You wanted to see him smile at least once, but even that was impossible. When you entered this relationship, you foolishly and desperately believed that you could be satisfied with whatever he offered. You desperately tried to ignore the ache in your chest every time he would brush off your affections when you first started dating. At first, you thought that with time, he would become used to your affection but it only seemed to drive him away even further. At one point, you stopped trying. What was the use when he would only become more distant? Funnily enough, like a child when ignored, it was then that Poseidon started to seek you out. He tried to become more attentive to your feelings. So you gave it another try. You made it into your first year together. And while he was still distant, you felt that he was much closer than at the beginning.
In your first year, he asked you to move in with him. Apprehensive at first, you quickly became used to his castle. It was spacious and you lacked nothing here. The downside to this offer though was that you had little contact with your family and friends. Poseidon hates it when you head to the human world alone. He claims it is dangerous. To avoid upsetting him, you smiled at him as best as you could. ‘He is concerned for you,’ you told yourself that night as you watched him sleep, your eyes tracing his peaceful expression. Such a rare sight to experience. This picture of peacefulness was yours to keep and cherish. Poseidon was always impassive with a poker face. Yet, when he slept, you could see the muscle relaxing.
You miss the days when he would come early enough to sleep next to you.
Poseidon was not a god who used words to express his care. He has a whole vocabulary with endless insults but little words which he could use to show that he cares. That fact makes you laugh even now. For him, it was easier to portray his feelings through actions. You noticed that little fact when you passed your six months together. He was awkward with words but his actions spoke louder than anything else. You still remember fondly the first time you discovered that he was more than a god of stone.
You were taking a stroll around town. It was quite cold that day. The coat that you brought along with you did nothing to prevent chills from running down your back as you walked hand in hand. It was only when you noticed an additional weight on your shoulders that you looked up at the god. He was not looking at you. He was intently looking forward, avoiding your eyes, instead of focusing on some random stalls which were not that interesting. But the smell of the sea which always accompanied Poseidon was hard to ignore. He threw his jacket over your shoulders upon noticing your discomfort. This action alone puts a huge grin on your face. And while you were reading the synopsis of a book, later on, Poseidon smiled slightly upon remembering your grin. But you didn’t see it.
Another moment when the god showed that he cared was for your first birthday together. He was running late, caught up with some issues in Olympus. But you didn’t know that. Your friends and families, gods above bless them, tried their best to cheer you up upon seeing your sadness. You remember your thoughts that day very well. You still think about them every once in a while when Poseidon would close on himself. ‘Of course, he wouldn’t come. He is a god, one of the most important ones. He is worshipped by many. He has much more important things to take care of than to humour a human. Of course, I wouldn’t be his priority.’ And as you stood alone in front of the mirror of your bathroom, you let a few tears escape. While you knew that Poseidon had many responsibilities, you selfishly wanted his whole attention on your birthday. And as you cried alone on your birthday, the happiest day of your life, you felt a cold presence behind you. The smell of seawater filled you as he tentatively tried to hug your back. ‘‘I’m here. Zeus needed my help for a bit.’’ He didn’t apologise. And even now, he never apologises for his mistakes. The word was foreign to him. It was below his status as a god. But that day, he still attended your birthday. He was late but he still showed up. And that was enough for you. With a big smile, you dragged him to your living room where your family and friends were celebrating. While they were skittish around the temperamental god, everyone had a good time. And even if Poseidon would never admit it out loud, he had a great time too. Because he was the reason for your big smile as you partied with your loved ones.
But now it is difficult to show understanding. Five years have passed. You are now five years older than before. This knowledge does not put your mind at ease for one bit. You suspect that this is what brought about all this reminiscing. Early on in your relationship, you blissfully ignored your mortality. It was so easy to forget about it when you are lost in time in Poseidon’s palace. Being with him here made you forget that you would one day age while he will remain as young as he was when you first met. And this frightened you. It certainly didn’t help that Poseidon hasn’t been spending that much time around you too. These days, it seemed like he was constantly caught up with some problems in Olympus. Whether it was a mess that Zeus created all by himself without anyone’s help by falling for the beauty of a beautiful maiden once more, to Hades needing his help with something in the Underworld, it suddenly seemed like everyone needed Poseidon. And amongst that, once more you realise your place in his world. Your partner is an important figure amongst the gods. He is someone who is needed by all. Of course, he can’t spend every moment with you. And yet, you are reminded of your first birthday. While he nearly missed it, he still came to see you. In your five years together, however, he missed in total three of your birthdays. And while it shouldn’t have mattered that much since he tries to be there for you every other single day, you also couldn’t help but be bitter about this fact. After your first birthday together, you foolishly thought that him attending at the last minute was a promise that he will try and attend your other birthdays as well. And even if he wouldn’t be able to make it, you believed that you would still be happy as you would be able to at least celebrate it with your friends and family. However, even that was impossible. With the threats that accompanied being in a relationship with one of the main gods in Greek mythology, Poseidon became over-protective. While he did not forbid you from visiting the human realm, you knew that it would stress him if you visited without him by your side. The god didn’t trust guards. He believed that only he could protect you. So you let it be. But as you stand, watching the sea with the sound of waves crashing against the shore as your sole company, you realise just how much you sacrificed to be with him.
And it left you worried. You are not blind. You can see how women look at Poseidon. While he is scary and has a bad temperament, he is handsome and powerful. You know many would want to be in your position. They dream of gaining his favour. And while you knew that Poseidon would not look at any of them, you couldn’t help the thoughts from ruining his image in your mind. As you grow older, there will be one day when you won’t be as appealing to him as in the past. There will be a time when he will wake up and realise that there are so many more beautiful women out there. ‘Beautiful and immortal,’ you thought humorously. Your mind screams, ‘It is just a matter of time.’ And you hate yourself for thinking about this. But you can’t stop these thoughts from plaguing you. You slowly began to believe these voices. You are reminded of this as you stare outside vacantly. Perhaps if your partner was anyone other than Poseidon, these thoughts wouldn’t have troubled you so. But it is Poseidon. The god who kept an impermeable wall around himself. The god who abhors those who go against the principles of being a god. The god lives his life in loneliness to maintain his image of perfection. The god who is so out of reach of everyone, even you... And for the second time in your life, you shed tears on what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life. For the second time, Poseidon was the reason for those tears as you realise that loving him was harder than loving anyone else. He unconsciously made it difficult by keeping everyone out of arm's reach. He always strived towards being an example for other gods, killing his kin for breaking those very principles that he follows...but at what price? You always asked yourself if it was all worth it. To you, a mortal who would never truly understand him, it wasn’t worth it. But to him, an immortal being who was born perfect, it is worth all the pain and suffering he dragged along with his goal. You wondered if it mattered that his principles leave your heart in shatters every time he would grow distant. Loving him is one of the hardest things you have ever done in your life.
‘‘Why are you out there? Get back inside. It is cold. You will get sick.’’
You turned your head slightly to look at the cause of all your grief. He was beautiful as always. Not a trace of exhaustion after tending to godly matters for the whole week. His expression is always so infuriatingly passive. As if seeing you brought after one whole week didn’t bring him joy or excitement. For a second, your mind wondered, ‘did you miss me? Or were you too busy surrounded by all those beings who are so much more perfect and worthy of you than me? Were you in a hurry to return home to me or were you taking your time? Do you even know what day it is today?’ All these burning questions threatened to get out but you have long mastered the game of patience. With someone like Poseidon, you have to be careful. If you ask him too many questions, he will get annoyed. Particularly when the questions are trying to incriminate him of a crime that he didn’t commit in his eyes. So instead, you fake a smile. ‘Will he notice?’
‘‘The night is beautiful today. I wanted to see the sea. It reminds me of you. I missed you.’’
‘Please, say something. Anything. Remind me that I am important to you. Just this once. This is all I want.’
Poseidon huffs shake his head. And just like that, anger blinds your judgement.
‘‘What? That’s all I get from you after you were out for a whole week? Not even an ‘I missed you too?’ So typical of you.’’
Maybe if you had decent nights of sleep for this past week, you would have been more careful with your tone. Maybe if you weren’t a victim of your thoughts you would have been more considerate, let him rest. But tonight, blinded by your hurt, you couldn’t care less.
He glares at you silently. You knew that glare very well. He is giving you a chance to take back your words. A privilege that only you were privy to. But tonight, you wanted to settle things once and for all. You were tired of being a nice understanding partner. You were tired of never being able to elicit more reaction from him. You were tired of hearing the whispers of everyone as soon as you stepped out of the walls of his palace.
‘She is lucky that Lord Poseidon chose her?’
‘Do you think so? Have you seen Lord Poseidon? I feel bad for the girl.’
‘Do you think Lord Poseidon is happy with her? He never smiles with her. He is just his usual self as always. One would expect that his partner would be able to elicit a smile at least from him.’
‘If Lord Poseidon chose her, then I have a chance to be chosen to be his partner. I mean, if he can look at a human, what says he won’t look at me, a nymph?’
‘Such a shame that girl decided to be with someone like him. She couldn’t have chosen someone worse than him amongst all the gods out there.’
‘I can’t wait until she grows old. Lord Poseidon will finally see why she is out of his league.’
‘I wonder why Lord Poseidon has not married her yet.’
‘He must be playing with the human girl. Surely if she meant something then he would not hesitate to marry her after the first if not second year with her.’
‘Lord Poseidon could do so much better than her.’
They knew nothing about you and yet they believed they could judge you. And as much as you try to not let their whispers get to you, they only reaffirm your worst fears. It only gets worse each time you realise that Poseidon must have heard them but didn’t shut them down as he would normally. To them, it only meant one thing. ‘If Lord Poseidon is not bothering with glaring at us for talking about her, then she is not that important to him. He is playing with her.’
‘‘I’m tired, Poseidon. You don’t even know what day it is today, do you?’’
His glare gets harsher, colder. This is his last warning. Your last chance to retract your words, to apologise to him, to ignore the glaring issues of your relationship.
‘‘You won’t even say something?’’
‘‘What do you want me to say?’’
He is infuriating, annoying. He is the worst.
‘‘Do you care for me?’’
‘‘What brought this on?’’
‘‘By the gods, Poseidon! This is only a yes and no question! Just answer this one directly!’’
‘Tell me that you care. Tell me that I’m not delusional for loving you. Tell me that you are not indifferent to us. Tell me that I’m important to you. Tell me that you love me. Silence these voices and their mocking, I beg you…’
‘‘...’’
And just like that, Poseidon confirms those fears. ‘He doesn’t care. I should have known better than to hope. This is it.’
Meanwhile, the god observes you silently. Exhausted from this week’s events, he thought that he could surprise you by going back home at once instead of accepting Zeus’ offer of spending the night at his palace. To be honest, he didn’t want to spend the night at Zeus’. His younger brother brought some women back to his palace during Hera’s absence. And because it was Zeus’ he had the nerve to ask the god of gods if he wanted to join in for the night. ‘I can keep a secret,’ he faux whispered. Poseidon scoffed at that. ‘You can keep a secret but somehow Hera is always aware of your activities with women.’ But Poseidon didn’t care enough to tell that to his brother. All that mattered to him was to go back to his partner. Hera could kill Zeus and Poseidon wouldn’t care much. It’s not like the god of the sky was weak. He could always come back to life. A perk of being a god, even if Zeus did tend to push his luck.
He expected you to be asleep by the time he came back. It was quite late after all. He knew he missed your birthday. But he had every intention to celebrate it the day after. This is not the first time it happened, and it might not be the last. Somehow, there were always some issues that needed to be taken care of on the week of your birthday. It wasn’t always his fault either. Some weeks, like this one, it was entirely Zeus’ fault. His younger brother somehow insulted Odin. He needed a mediator and while Hermes was out doing errands (for Zeus), he was the only one reliable enough to do the job. And being the god of the sea and the older brother of Zeus, he had to do many different tasks. He didn’t get to choose on which day these tasks would fall. If he did, he would make sure to avoid doing them on your birthday. He never wanted to intentionally hurt you. He knew you were aware of this. So why were you like this?
‘‘You know I care for you.’’
You scoff mockingly, shaking your head like a mother would when disappointed with their child. And Poseidon doesn’t like that. He answered your question. Why were you still frustrated with him?
‘‘Of course, I should know! Well, Poseidon, god of the sea, some days I sure as hell don’t! Some days it feels like I’m the only one invested in this relationship! You are always running around being the ‘oh so frightening god of the sea’ to everyone! And yet, when it comes to being my partner in this relationship, you are never here!’’
Poseidon’s eyebrows crease ever so slightly.
‘‘You know this is who I am. You knew this before we started courting.’’
‘‘Of course, it is my fault! I was naive. I thought you would somehow change for me! I thought that with time you would open up, speak to me a little bit more about your feelings! But even that is impossible with you! But I still put up with it because I know that you are bad with feelings!’’
Poseidon shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. This was not what he expected when he decided to come back.
‘‘I don’t see what you are accusing me of. You are not making any sense. Calm down.’’
You seethed. So typical of him. Every time you would argue, he would ask you to ‘calm down'. The issue after this is never raised again. He would always ignore the issues at hand. To him, everything was fine. You were fed well, treated fairly by people (you scoff at that), and treated well by him. To him, this was all that should matter. And while you were grateful to him for this, you were fed up with him making the bare minimum for you.
‘‘I am calm! I am merely pointing out to you that you never spend time with me anymore! I barely see you anymore! Are you avoiding me or something? Did you find someone younger, prettier than me? An immortal?’’
There. All your fears are out. And as you realise what you uttered out in a moment of anger, you gasped. Poseidon turns to you sharply. His piercing eyes never shone with that much animosity before. He never looked at you like that. He never looked at you as if you insulted his person.
‘‘Oh? Is that all that it is about? Are you belittling me?’’
While you were never scared of Poseidon before, at this moment, he scared you. You knew that he often spoke to hurt people. You knew this tone very well. He often used it with people who dared to disrespect him to his face. To belittle them. To make them feel awful. He never did that with you. And you were always grateful for this little bit of compassion he shows you.
Poseidon knew that he needed to calm down. He knows that he needs to think his words wisely. You didn’t have the intention of insulting him even if you did it unconsciously. He also knew now where the issue lay and it was not a subject that Poseidon wanted to tackle yet. Poseidon is all too aware of your mortality as years go by. He knows that one day he will lose you. He knows that you will only be mere history like Adamas was. Forgotten by all, only remembered by him. Such is the tragedy that awaits him. A punishment for daring to love a mortal. He knew all of this and yet still pursued you.
‘‘If you believe that I would look at any other, then I fear that you don’t know me that well. You should be aware that I look at no other but you.’’
‘‘You are always with Zeus! Do you think that I don’t know about the women he would bring in his palace every time Hera is not there? Do you know how worried I am every night that you are not by my side? The women out there, they are all beautiful! They are more worthy of you than me! I am a mortal! I will one day-’’
Before you could utter the curse words, Poseidon has already placed his palm over your mouth, preventing further words from escaping. The tension was thick. None of you knew where this was going anymore. You didn’t know whether you stepped out of line already. He didn’t know if the relationship could be salvaged. ‘Is it already too late? Are you out of my reach?’ He didn’t know the answers to these questions and neither did you. One thing for sure was that he refused to let you go. If need be, he would ask for advice (a ridiculous and disgusting act for a perfect god-like him) from Aphrodite and Eros. You were more important than his pride. And even if one day, you were to die, he would at least know that you were happy in your lifetime.
‘‘Don’t leave me yet. Please…’’
Your eyes widened. It was the first time you heard this tone from him. ‘Is he pleading…?’
‘‘Forgive me for being the cause of your pain. Just, allow me to redeem myself. Don’t give up on me just yet.’’
Loving him is hard. He doesn’t make it any easier. Poseidon is well aware that he took you for granted sometimes. But he is willing to try. And if you were to give him another chance, he will make sure to try his best at paving the way to his heart for you.