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Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I’m reaching out
And I just can’t tell you why
I’m caught up in you
I’m caught up in you
I can’t believe I’m here at this playground again. After you called me… well, you called me that . I swore to myself that I wanted nothing to do with you - a thought that still haunts me. This promise I made included never returning to our summer hide-a-way. I can’t help it though, this was a date we had set long ago. A commitment to meet.
When the world was still simple.
I mean, what is the likelihood of you being here, anyway? It was foolish to waste time thinking you might show up.
I begin to run my hand amongst the abandoned swings, gazing at them mournfully. I feel as if I'm being watched, and that someone else is here. It could have just been a child, but since I was supposed to be in hiding, I reached slowly towards my wand. It resided in my jacket pocket, stored there for safekeeping. However, before I could even draw it, you revealed yourself.
And just like that, here you are - after all these years.
It’s almost strange to look at you this way; it’s like I’m seeing you for the first time again. Though, in a way, I think I am. You look much older; the stress of the war and circumstance seems to have aged you. It's a silly feeling, though, seeing as we met in this very spot almost nine years ago. I still can’t believe the path you have taken. This is not the Severus I knew, the kind boy who was the first to help me navigate learning this whole new side of my identity. The love I felt for you then was so deep and real. I thought we would be the ones who ended up together.
I know I shouldn’t be looking at you this way... I’m married, for crying out loud. But something just won’t seem to let me look away. It's almost like I’m caught up in the thrill of seeing you after all these years. Somehow Voldemort has not yet washed the kindness from your eyes, though there is much newly added pain to be seen as well. I should be scared of you, knowing the things you’ve done and who you represent. But I know you won’t hurt me.
Untouchable
Burning brighter than the sun
And when you’re close
I feel like coming undone
I can still recall the summer before our fourth year as if it were yesterday. You finally told me after all these years of countless childish games that you loved me. The word ‘love’ was as common as the word ‘git’ at the age of thirteen and was also as fun to say. It almost felt taboo. But when you said it to me - while we swung on these very swings - I knew you were serious. And I know that if it weren't for those swings holding me off the ground, I would have gone weak at the knees right then and there. You always had that effect on me; it was familiar and shocking all at once. I thought that feeling had left for good. But seeing you now - I now know it hasn’t. But it's all useless now.
It’s half full
And I won’t wait here all day
I know you’re saying
That you’d be here anyway
I know you remember these plans. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. Even if we can’t act on it anymore. The idea was to leave this town when we finished Hogwarts. We’d come home one last time, say our goodbyes, and travel the world together. We decided to meet here where it all began. Never looking back on the old and boring lives we would leave behind. But things changed - they had to. You called me a name I couldn’t forgive - you joined an allegiance I couldn’t follow.
In the middle of the night
When I’m in this dream
It’s like a million little stars
Spelling out your name
But even when I felt like I hated you, even when I felt like we’d never be the same - I held on to that simple childhood memory. Made in such innocence. Despite all of this, I still went to the park today to meet you. And here you are - a cold mimic of my secret hope that you would pop into view, bags in hand, screaming things like ‘sorry’ and ‘pick me not him,’ but you never did. You are giving no indication that you plan to speak to me at all. Maybe, in the end, it’s better that you don't. Perhaps it's best you and I maintain our staring contest, saying our own form of goodbye.
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we’ll be together
But even now - I feel myself morphing back into that young girl on a swing set who received her first kiss from a boy who swore he loved her. But I know that isn’t my reality anymore. We were never meant to be, after all.
You’re too dangerous, too untouchable.
What we could have had, I’m not sure. Or maybe this was always the way fate designed it. We walked in different areas. Me in the light, and you in the dark. Though I know you will always hold a special place in my heart, this was how it was supposed to be, and I can tell by your expression that you agree with what I’m thinking.
“I love you,” you say in a voice that is barely a whisper, but it cuts through the silence like a sharp blade. I can’t help but smile because it feels nice to hear those words from you again.
“I know you do, I will never forget.”
Come on, come on
Little taste of heaven
And just like that, we turn and go our separate ways… and I wonder if it's forever.