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Sonia Nevermind.
She's beautiful , honestly. Blonde hair, blue eyes, pretty face, soft voice. Everything that Kazuichi could ever possibly want in a girl, not even to mention that she was a literal princess.
A girl such as her obviously had many admirers, Kazuichi among the crowd. He was very loud about his affections, however, and she consistently took note of him while simultaneously ignoring him all together.
It didn't matter, really. Everyone knew that he was almost completely gone for her and that there was really no saving him from that pit he built for himself.
That was completely okay with him, honestly. He never really felt much hurt any time Sonia rejected his advances, though he whined and complained out loud.
He… really didn't care, and he wasn't lying about that.
That was the part of all of this that he found weird, concerning, maybe. Something that kept him up at night, wondering why it didn't bother him more that Sonia really showed no interest in him whatsoever. The most irritating thing that came up when thinking about his affections for Sonia was the involvement of Gundham Tanaka, their peer who Sonia very obviously had a crush on.
He had to take a moment and think about what really got on his nerves when it came to Gundham. Kazuichi had started the whole rivalry between the two of them; Gundham just agreed because that idiot had his villain complex and would take anyone up on the offer of hating his guts.
When Kazuichi thought about Sonia's hand in Gundham's, he grit his teeth. Not because of jealousy, but because of the lack of jealousy he felt. It didn't make any sense, he was definitely in love with Sonia, so why didn't he care?
Laying in bed, he shifted to lay on his back. He outstretched an arm towards the ceiling and looked at his open palm. Empty. He lifted his other arm and linked his own fingers. Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine that the other hand was Sonia's.
Soft, warm, smaller than his own. He found that he liked the feeling, and he smiled. That proved his feelings more than anything.
Keeping his eyes closed, he found his imagination drifting.
The hand in his own was bigger than his, nails painted a deep color, cool rings against his skin. The person's hand was cold and it steadily warmed up in his touch. The hand he pictured was unmistakably not Sonia's.
He was fantasizing about holding hands with Gundham, and he was enjoying it endlessly more than holding hands with Sonia.
He ripped his eyes open and unlinked his fingers, dropping his arms on either side of his body. It was almost like a nightmare and he was genuinely shocked when he opened his eyes that he didn't see Gundham and Sonia leaning over him, about to mock him.
His breathing was hard and he blinked rapidly. Sure that his tired brain was just getting the best of him, he rubbed his eyes and shut them once more, beginning to think.
Sonia Nevermind, Miss Sonia. She was absolutely gorgeous, eyes wide and a deep blue. She was the girl that everyone wanted.
A small part of his brain had to wonder, for curiosity's sake, what she would look like had she been born a man.
The first person to come to mind was his underclassmen Byakuya Togami. His hair was blond as well, eyes blue, slim and much taller than himself. His attitude was cold and harsh, but, in his imagination, he pictured him to be sweet and soft spoken to fit what he was trying to prove.
He imagined holding his hand, and-
He opened his eyes again. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. Nerves felt like they were climbing up his throat.
He gripped his pillow tightly around his head and rolled onto his side, curling into a ball and keeping his mind empty for long enough to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
***
Hajime Hinata.
His best friend, his soul brother, the yin to his yang. Hajime had made it a point to talk to him and, unsurprisingly, they had grown rather close. If Kazuichi had an issue, Hajime was always who he found himself gravitating towards. Hajime always helped him out.
Sleepovers in Kazuichi's dorm were a common occurrence. Sometimes, a few others would accompany them (despite Hajime being a reserve course student, a lot of the ultimates seemed to love him (and for good reason!)), but a lot of the time, it would just be the two of them.
Kazuichi found himself preferring the latter over the former. He was the definition of loudness embodied, but he liked the quiet chill of his dorm with his best buddy after a long, eventful day.
Today was one of those sleepover nights and Hajime was sprawled across his bed with his homework spread across the sheets. It was a Friday night, meaning he had all weekend to get that pile of reserve course homework done, but he usually did his homework whenever he and Kazuichi hung out. During that, Kazuichi would tinker with whatever project he was currently working on or start something new. It was mutually beneficial!
That night, though, Kazuichi just couldn't focus. It was summer, and despite the window to his dorm being cracked open, it was still suffocating. Crickets chirped and Hajime grumbled, sitting up. Kazuichi watched as he stretched and began unbuttoning his uniform shirt.
Underneath the cloth, he wore a tank top. The fabric clung to him, stretched across his broad chest. He folded his shirt and dropped it carefully on the floor. He didn't seem to notice Kazuichi watching him like a hawk.
Suddenly, the room felt so much warmer to Kazuichi himself. He excused him to the bathroom to think; his face was flaring up a bright red and he had to wonder if that was caused just by the heat.
He thought long and hard about the way Hajime looked. He pressed his forehead to the cool mirror and watched the glass fog up from his breath, from the heat of his face.
He closed his eyes and tried to picture some faceless girl. A big chest, a soft face, long black hair that tumbled over her shoulders. Now, he pictured her in what Hajime was wearing: a tank top that clung to his- her skin, black uniform slacks, sock clad feet. The faceless girl looked amazing, good enough to touch.
He imagined him touching her. He imagined reaching out and touching her hip.
In his imagination, he was met with a sharp hip bone. Surprising, because he was expecting it to be soft. His hand slid up and was met with a flat plane of a chest and he spread his fingers, touching as much as he could.
Wait. This was…
Imaginary Kazuichi looked up and met Hajime's eyes. Hajime looked down at him and he smiled out of curiosity. Imaginary Kazuichi's gaze fell to Hajime's lips and he wanted to lean in and-
"No!" Kazuichi bit out sharply, opening his eyes and shoving away from the mirror. He tripped over his own feet and landed on his ass. It stung, the cold tile unforgiving, and he met his own eyes in the mirror.
He was… was he…?
He tried to picture the girl and found he couldn't.
He thought about touching the girl and this sickly feeling he knew was repulsion welled up in his stomach.
Oh, God, he was, wasn't he?
He met his eyes in the mirror again and he wished the mirror was shattered. He didn't want to look at himself, he couldn't look at himself, he couldn't be a-
The door to the bathroom clicked open and he had never wished for the boy's dorm room bathrooms to have locks more than that current moment. Hajime stepped in, confusion clear in his gaze. He looked over and met Kazuichi's gaze.
Kazuichi blinked, sniffed, and blinked again. Tears started overflowing his eyes and streaked down his cheek. His hands, in front of him, trembled. He looked to the mirror again and that agitated itch broke out underneath his skin again. Boy's don't cry.
“Kazuichi?” Hajime asked, and the softness of his voice, of the question, hurt . “Are you okay?”
What was Kazuichi supposed to say? Nothing would get him out of this situation the way he needed to: without any suspicion and without lying.
"Ha-Hajime," was all he managed to say in the moment and Hajime came closer, tugging him to his chest, the touch warm and comforting and soothing in a way Kazuichi had never known before. Faintly, Kazuichi recognized him as smelling like clean laundry and summer. The smell was comforting and he wanted to get lost in it.
They never talked about what Kazuichi cried about that night, they just moved on from it and watched a movie. Kazuichi was forever grateful; he could barely even think the word to himself, having to explain it to Hajime would've been hell.
That night, though, he did recognize something.
While he thought that Sonia Nevermind was (and is!) beautiful, he thought that Hajime Hinata was just as, if not more so, beautiful. Handsome, cute, pretty, whatever words.
The thing is that in this situation, in this mindset, Kazuichi's heart sped up, his palms slicked with sweat, he couldn't even think .
He ignored it all, repressed it in the days to come. He ignored the ache when Hajime got closer to his lowkey creepy classmate Komaeda. He ignored the way he felt when he just looked at him. He ignored it because the idea of digesting it all was too much .
And he moved on.
***
Mahiru Koizumi.
The ultimate photographer, his classmate. She was a pretty redhead with freckles dotting her nose and cheeks and a no nonsense attitude that Kazuichi had been on the receiving end of many times before.
Despite this, Kazuichi would consider them casual school friends, the type that wouldn't talk had they not had classes together. They would smile at each other in the hallways and share quick conversations in class. A few times, Kazuichi had offered to fix her camera or upgrade it and she had snapped a few pictures of his inventions when he had asked without complaints. It was nice.
Kazuichi was having a hard time figuring out if he liked her as a friend or liked her as something more.
He wasn't used to having friends like this. He had been taught that if you were friends with someone of the opposite sex, you had to like each other. He hated the narrative, but wasn't that just how it was? She was cute and driven… that was the type of girl his dad would like for him to be with.
The next time he fixed her camera, she had come with, curious about the process. Along with that, she had offered and Kazuichi had agreed, saying that he wanted to hang out, which he had, but he also wanted to see if anything changed when they were alone.
They had gone to the workshop, the room empty after hours. He sat in a stool by the work table while she sat on a countertop, the two just chatting as he screwed in this and adjusted that. Eventually, he abruptly said "hey, um" and cut himself off, growing embarrassed.
"What is it?" She asked, tone kind. He was happy to be on the receiving end of that tone… that must've meant that he liked her, right?
"I, uh, I…" He was stuttering a lot, that wasn't good.
"Are you okay? You look a bit pale."
"I think I l-like you?" He spit out, face blossoming red. The room went quiet and he couldn't look up. Why had he just said that? He was probably going to get called a sick pervert or something, he was so gross-
"Are you sure?"
Huh? He looked over at her and she mainly looked deep in thought. He gulped and nodded and she looked away for a moment.
"You didn't really sound too confident, but… I have an offer." He was curious about it, so he nodded again. She hopped off the counter and stood in front of him. "Kiss me."
"Huh?" He was so shocked that he couldn't help but say. She liked him back? Why did this feel so… wrong? His chest felt tight.
"I want to test something, I… I've been thinking about something and I've sort of felt the same towards you, but… I don't know." She took a breath and put her hands on his shoulders, he trembled under the touch. "Kiss me and let's figure this out."
So he did as he was told and cupped her face and brought her down towards his lips. Her skin was soft and warm and the kiss was very pleasant but he pulled away only a few seconds in and refused to meet her eyes, staring at the tiled floor.
He hated that.
"Not good?" She asked, and her tone was kind and it filled him with the same warm feeling and if this wasn't a crush feeling then what was it? Friendship? Friendship wasn't supposed to feel like this, was it? "I didn't like it either."
His gut felt like it was twisting, but her words helped to alleviate some of the panic he had begun to feel. "You- you didn't?"
She shook her head. She sounded so calm when she spoke, but when Kazuichi looked up, she looked pale and she was sweating. She must've been freaking out just as much if not more than him.
"If I… tell you something, you have to promise not to tell anyone else," she said, and Kazuichi nodded. "I'm being serious. I don't like to lie, but I'll make it seem like you're just trying to start rumors."
"I promise, Mahiru," he said, understanding her lack of trust. He wasn't an asshole, but his reputation wasn't spotless. He was working on it.
She was fussing with her fingers and she turned so her back was towards him. "I… I think I like girls."
Oh. "Like… like, um…"
"Romantically."
"You can do that?" And he knew he sounded stupid, but instead of looking at him annoyed, she gave him and a small nod.
"I know, sounds crazy, right?" He didn't get a chance to respond before she continued. "I just… I used to really like one of my old classmates and now I'm really close to Hiyoko and… I just think I… look at her in a way that's a bit different from friendship. I think I'm gay."
Oh.
"Oh?" Kazuichi's voice was soft and croaky. Mahiru didn't even seem to notice, moving to sit on the counter again. Her head was down. "Thank you for, um, trusting me and- and telling me."
"I just had a feeling you would get it, you know?" She spoke, and the implication scared him to the core. He felt nauseous and not because of her and her story but maybe something else entirely.
Why was she allowed to be what she was but when it was applied to himself, it was something else entirely?
It made no sense, but he couldn't fathom applying that word, the one that started with a 'g', to himself. He just couldn't. He couldn't be that.
"I just- I have a, have a hard time, um, differentiating between uh, friendship and… and relationships." He stuttered his way through the sentence, waving his hands around. Although he was mainly saying this to steer her way of thinking otherwise, it… didn't feel like a lie. "I have- have never had many good friendships, and, um, I just… I really like being your friend so I thought I had to…"
"Like me?"
"Yeah, yes, that, it just… it seemed like the only choice," he breathed, grateful for the help through his stumbling sentences. It was scary to admit, but not as scary as the other confession. Some pressure was lifted off his shoulders but not nearly enough for him to feel fully okay.
She looked at him curiously for a moment or two, just long enough for Kazuichi to begin to sweat. What? What was she doing? Could she tell that he was lying- wait, no, he wasn't lying! He wasn't fucking… he couldn't even think the word! Didn't that have to mean something?
Forget this idea of trying to hide it, actually, he simply had to say he wasn't it. That's how easy it was. Perhaps, instead of being interested in his male peers, he was… impressed by their manliness? Maybe? Maybe he just wanted to be like them.
Maybe this was just the whole friendship and relationship thing?
(If so, then why had he never questioned his friendship with Hajime before that one night?)
"Kazuichi?" Broke through that kind voice again and he blinked and looked up. Strewn across her face was a look of worry. "Are you-"
"I'm- I'm alright, uh-! Sorry for cutting you off, I just- I just, um." His voice was a bit choked and his hands were visibly trembling.
"Sorry if I'm coming off as rude but… are you sure this isn't something else?"
Panic, again, large and loud and consuming. It gripped him at the heart and spread throughout. It fucking couldn't be something else.
Somewhere, in his mind, that "couldn't" shifted into "shouldn't".
"Kazuichi!" This time, the voice was louder, and he turned to look up, eyes wide. Mahiru looked even more worried, and she caught his hands in her own. This should've surprised him, made him blush, made him feel warm in a crush sort of way. He should've marveled at how small her hands were compared to his. Instead, the casual touch was comforting, warm, something new. It was like a weighted blanket and his head was brought down from that place of panic.
It was new, and it was scary how comforting it was.
His shaking persisted and his eyes clouded with tears.
"I… I can't talk about this, um, right now," is all he managed to say, and Mahiru nodded, so understanding and fuck , everything would've been so much easier and so much better if he had just been able to like her. Sure, she wouldn't have liked him back, but he would've gotten over it eventually. Instead, he had to deal with this. "I think, I think what I first mentioned is… is part of this, but… this is, uh, something else."
She nodded again, and he stood up, her still holding his hands. Then, he continued to speak. "Thank you, for, um-"
She hugged him.
This wasn't the first time he had ever been hugged, no, in fact, he and Hajime hugged all the time. Those were casual one sided hugs, an arm slung around shoulders, so on and so forth. The one hug they shared after Kazuichi's breakdown stuck in his mind and played on loop when he was particularly upset.
This hug was something of the same.
He didn't exactly lunge into the hug but he wasn't hesitant when it came to hugging back.
He closed his eyes once and the tears came out.
She hugged him for a long time but honestly, in his opinion, the hug wasn't nearly long enough.
***
Sonia Nevermind, revisited.
What else was there to say?
She was still stunning and her blonde hair shined in the afternoon sun. Her blue eyes glittered with joy and her smile was radiant.
She was more aesthetically pleasing than she was attractive, in Kazuichi's eyes. He knew now, despite how scary it was, that he carried little to no actual attraction towards her.
That was…
Anyway.
He sought her out during free time, finding her in the school library. She could be found there pretty often, either researching on the computer or reading miscellaneous novels. Either she would be found there or wherever Gundham was. The two got together awfully well.
His stomach twisted up.
He approached her and watched as she masked her look of disgust. She was honestly too kind to have not blown up at him over his behavior. He was going to make an attempt to set things straight.
"Ah, um, Sonia," he started, and she looked surprised at the lack of 'miss' in front. "Could I… could we, um… talk, outside of here? The hallway or, uh, something else?"
She looked confused but not opposed to the idea. She put down the book she was looking at and began to walk towards the door, not looking back, expecting Kazuichi to follow. Her heels and quick strides made the pace semi difficult to match, but he pushed through it.
In mere moments, they were in the hallway, and he broke out into a sweat. This was intimidating; Sonia was already taller than him and her heels just amplified it. That, and she was glaring at him hard. It wasn't the first time he had been on the receiving end of that look, but for some reason, it felt more threatening than usual.
Maybe it was because of what he planned to do?
"Why did you want to talk out here?" She asked, and Kazuichi fidgeted with his hands, picking at his skin. He took a breath and forced himself to look up. His father had always told him to face his issues head on.
"I'm sorry," he managed to say without stuttering. That confidence dissolved quickly. "For- for how I treated you and acted, um, around you. It's… I know it's gross, you don't, you don't deserve that."
Sonia's glare dropped and she just looked… shocked. Was it really so surprising that he said sorry? Well, of course it was, he had been a total creep. Did everyone think he was a creep? He was just doing what his dad said would make girls like him, he-
His thoughts were spiraling. He needed to focus right now and self loath later. There would be plenty of time to hate himself in the safety of his dorm room later that day.
"You don't needa forgive me, I promise I don't- don't expect you too, I just… I needed to tell you." He's kicking his foot against the ground and still picking at his skin. The movements are keeping him grounded. "I'll also save the, uh, sob story for why I acted- er, act the way I do, I'm sure you don't care."
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, the skin around his nails was red and irritated. When he was able to look up and meet her eyes, she looked soft. Her eyes were wide and… understanding? Her mouth was pressed into a thin line.
"Oh, and um, for the record, I don't, uh, like you? The way I've been acting like I do? I think you're, like, a cool person, but just as a friend." He picked at the loose strings inside his pockets. "So, you… you don't have to worry about that again. I just… wanted to say sorry. But, um, I'll be leaving ya alone now. Thank you for hearing me out."
As he turned to leave, Sonia caught him by his wrist. Whereas the touch would've sent butterflies into his stomach a month ago, it instead felt like wasps filled him up. Buzzing and angry and loud. "Wait a moment."
Was she going to hit him? He deserved it. She should do that, actually, he would let it happen. Suck it up, Kazuichi, suck it up-
"Would you like to get tea with me? We can talk and sort everything out. I have not been the nicest to you either."
Huh? He opened his eyes (when had he closed them?) and looked at her, no words coming to mind. She released his wrist and he just continued to stare. He had no idea what to say.
"Does that sound okay with you?" She asked, prompting a response from him. He spluttered for a second before swallowing and nodding, following her when she turned to begin walking towards the cafeteria.
However, this time, when she noticed him following, she slowed down a little and he kept in pace with her. For once, he felt okay. For once, he felt equal.
A month ago, Kazuichi would've been burning red and stuttering out of embarrassment and regarding this as a date. Today, Kazuichi was so relieved and happy he felt as if he might cry.
Part of him didn't quite sit right with that.
Actually, a lot of him didn't.
This… couldn't be right.
He hadn't gotten the girl, hadn't even come close.
This was…
Wrong.
He shouldn't be happy, no, actually, he wasn't allowed to be happy here.
He wouldn't (his dad wouldn't) allow it.
***
His father.
Souda senior wasn't the worst man in the world by a long shot, a lot of his beliefs were just what one would describe as "traditional".
The masculine man, the dainty woman, the well behaved children and the successful family business.
While these were his desires, he never quite got that.
Kazuichi's family wasn't well off when it came to money, his father and him running a little bike shop with next to no business. Kazuichi became well versed in changing bike tires, rechaining them, replacing pedals and more. Kazuichi found that he liked working with his hands and creating new things, and his father had been proud of him, patting his head, flattening his unruly dark hair.
Things always would wind up falling apart.
Kazuichi, from a young age, was used to living in a loud house. His parents fought frequently and, even when they weren't, it was loud in general. The neighborhood was shitty and lots of gangsters seemed to hang out around or near his house, the sound of a motorcycle revving not uncommon. It did fascinate him to look out the window and see one of those bikes zipping by, the smell of gasoline in the air alongside the cigarette smoke.
In other terms of loud, Kazuichi was used to getting scolded. He was a bit hyper as a kid, and he rarely thought before he spoke. His father didn't seem to mind reminding him when he got too loud or spoke too much or spoke at all or shared his opinion or was his own person or, or, or-
His house was run the way his dad thought it should, not by his mom and definitely not by him. If his dad said run, he ran. If he said sit, he sat. It was just the way things worked.
Sometimes… his dad hit him. It wasn't very common, but it did happen, and it was usually when Kazuichi did something very bad.
Lying about a field trip got him hit. Skipping school got him hit. Sneaking out the tinker in the workshop got him hit, so on and so forth.
He got used to it. It was scary how used to it he was.
The other thing about his father and his traditional views was that he didn't mind sharing them one bit. As soon as Kazuichi could remember and learn, his father began his teachings. Here were some of the rules:
- Chase the prettiest girl and never stop that chase. She'll notice how determined you are and fall for you. You're the man, so you have to show that you'll take care of her and sweep her off her feet.
- Don't stick out. It's useless to try and be "different". Different gets you in trouble.
- Work hard and keep working until you break.
- Emotions make you weak, you're not allowed to cry, boy's do not cry.
Kazuichi wasn't very good at following the rules.
He sniffled and cried so very easily. He felt emotions so vividly whether it was anger, happiness, sadness, or even fear, and he wanted to express that. His father scolded him each time he expressed them a little too loudly and especially when he cried.
When his childhood best friend betrayed him and he dyed his hair hot pink and sharpened his teeth, his father threw a fit. He called him all sorts of names and did not care where his palms landed when he swung. Kazuichi went to school with a bruise on his face the next morning.
When his father found him putting on eyeliner one morning in his attempt to appear intimidating, he snatched the pencil from his hand and snapped it in half. He grabbed his collar and pulled him close and spoke in a rage filled voice, quiet but loud at the same time.
"What are you doing?! Only gays wear eyeliner. Is that what you are?" The words cut into him. "How did I raise such a fuck up? Are you even my kid?"
And since then, there was always that language. No matter what Kazuichi did, his father always brought up that word.
Gay. Homosexual. Different.
It was wrong to be that, his dad told him so every day.
Every. Single. Day.
So imagine Kazuichi's fear when he noticed his lack of interest in girls. They were soft and pretty, sure, but they weren't nearly as captivating as men were. Flat chests and strong jawlines occupied his mind over soft curves and small hands. He wanted love, wanted to be loved, but he wanted those words of love to be spoken into his ear by a deep voice and he wanted to be held with hands larger than his own on the small of his back.
He liked men. He liked them so much it hurt.
He was disgusting.
He could never tell his dad, fuck, he could barely tell himself.
Wait, maybe he just wouldn't tell himself?
He'd follow rule number one so closely that he would just… forget about these corrupted desires.
Yeah, that would work, it had to work.
If it didn't… well, whatever. It wasn't like it just couldn't work.
He'd make his dad proud.
No matter the cost.
***
Gundham Tanaka.
Kazuichi detested him.
At first, it was a dislike because he was his romantic rival. Obviously, one pining loser wouldn't be a fan of the other pining loser.
(Especially when the other pining loser had gotten attention from the one being pined for.)
Then, he began to dislike him for, well, everything else about him.
His mannerisms, the way he spoke, his vocabulary that made you feel like a fucking idiot, the stupid ass scarf, the eyeliner, the hairstyle, literally everything about the guy was dislikable.
Until it wasn't.
Kazuichi disliked him.
Gundham was one of those guys that just managed to stick in your head, you know? The type that is so unique they just dig their own spot into your brain and rest there.
That would usually imply that it was a good thing, but this was horrible.
Kazuichi found himself joking around and using 'mortal' to address his friends. Fuyuhiko found it annoying and Hajime laughed, always down to make fun of the whack ass Ultimates.
He found himself noticing animals, like squirrels, skittering across the sidewalk or the road and wondering if in any way, they had some sorta connection to the guy. There's no way he knew every animal in the world but he seemed to know a lot of them.
Gundham Tanaka felt like a disease that had latched itself onto Kazuichi's brain and it made him feel sick.
Until it didn't.
Kazuichi didn't mind him.
After Kazuichi had opened up to himself and let himself come to terms with the fact that he didn't like Sonia, he found his brain willing to let go of a lot of things he once deemed normal.
Normalcy just wasn't normal anymore.
He let go of his hatred for Gundham because why even bother keeping it up? He wasn't competing for Sonia anymore (not that it was ever a competition), so there was really no reason to hate the guy just for that. He could hate him for other reasons.
He didn't hate him in the slightest, but he also didn't care for him.
He was neutral on the whole Gundham front and he was perfectly fine with that.
It gave him one less thing to worry about thankfully. He would stay neutral on everything having to do with the Ultimate Breeder.
Until he didn't.
Kazuichi kinda liked him.
He was a pretty cool dude when he wasn't up his own ass with his villainy act.
Kazuichi found out he was a vegan and when he expressed interest in his diet, Gundham had practically lit up talking about it. He wasn't the type that tried to force it on you, he was the type to talk about benefits and give you all sorts of recipes if you ever wanted to get started.
He had talked for a while about it to Kazuichi and Kazuichi had listened . He wasn't sure whether he was really interested in the topic or the passion with which Gundham spoke kept him enraptured, and he didn't have the heart to try and figure it out. The berry breakfast smoothie Gundham had given him to try was good, though.
Kazuichi chose not to pay too much mind to how his own dieting habits changed and he pretended not to notice Gundham's smile when he saw the fruits piled high on his plate during lunch.
Gundham was one of those guys you could spend hours talking to even if the conversation really had no subject. Kazuichi had picked up on enough of his vocabulary to be able to dissect pretty much every sentence and half of the shit he said was really interesting. Spending time with him was easy, scary easy. Slowly, people began to see Gundham and expect to see Kazuichi, or see Kazuichi and expect to see Gundham.
It was…
It…
Okay.
Sonia and Gundham were still close but everyone knew that something had shifted between them. Sonia didn't seem to fawn over the guy and Gundham didn't do stupid tricks to impress the girl. They were close friends, and the way that settled some nerves in Kazuichi's stomach was more unnerving than comforting.
Curious, he had asked Gundham what happened, and Gundham had looked at him, stayed silent, looked him over, and then spoke.
"Do you still fancy the Dark Queen?"
"What- no! You- you know that, I just thought you two were, ya'know, all lovey-dovey?"
"We spoke about it and I… well, we… decided we had found beings better fit for the both of us, so our romance had been broken off."
"Beings… better fit?"
Gundham looked at him again. "Yes."
"So, like, um, both of you? Found that?" Kazuichi was feeling overwhelmed by the eye contact so he broke it. His heart was hammering.
"Yes, the two of us did."
"Who, um, who is… yours?" Why would you ask that-
"Surely, you already know."
He knew, oh he knew who.
Until he pretended that he didn't.
Kazuichi liked him.
It was solid, it was true, he liked Gundham Tanaka and he was not okay with it.
Was it just a friendship? Or more? They spent so much time together and so many shared looks that the line got so blurry that it was hard to tell there had ever been a line.
He didn't know what to do with himself, what to say.
He didn't want this to happen, this fucking wasn't supposed to happen. He couldn't be like this, he wasn't allowed to be like this, his dad was going to kill him, he was-
Stop, please.
He can't do this right now.
He can't.
He just wanted to get through high school and become a mechanic and meet a pretty girl and fall in love and have children and get over his car sickness and grow old and just be who his dad wanted him to be and he can't do this.
He just wanted, he just… wanted, no he needed…
He needed to actively ignore his wants.
What he wanted was to tell Gundham that he knew who he's referring to, that he felt the same. He wanted to have another stupid ass spinach salad and berry smoothie across from one another at lunch, he wanted to be trusted to hold the Devas, he wanted freedom from the shell he was given to fill.
He wanted to tell his parents about him, about that stupidly intelligent and handsome man that for some fucking reason liked him.
He wanted to not be scared of this.
He didn't want to be disgusted with himself anymore.
He didn't want this, ever, at all. He didn't, so why was he being forced to go through this?
But still…
He didn't say anything. He kept his mouth closed and bit his tongue and it bled. Metallic taste filled his mouth and he decided he deserved it, just this once.
He'd get over this soon, he always bounced back.
… Until he didn't.
Kazuichi loved him.
That warm feeling was like honey on a sore throat, it was like his mom putting a cold towel on his forehead when he had a fever, it was like fixing a bike with his dad and impressing him with his skills.
It was like getting accepted into Hope's Peak, it was like clicking with someone after a day of knowing them, it was like sliding the last thing into place and making something brand new.
It was like being wrapped up in blankets on a cold night, it was like having a cold hand covered up with his own hands that always ran a bit higher in average temperature, it was like being looked at like an art piece.
It was fucking suffocating.
He was drowning, he was stuck in sludge, he didn't deserve any of this.
He didn't deserve to be with or even around Gundham.
Besides, there was no way these feelings would last. Everyone always left him, it was a trend at this point, and he was waiting for and anticipating Gundham's grand disappearance.
If he left him, his life would be easier.
If he left him, he didn't think he'd ever recover.
He wasn't doing okay, that much was clear to see. Eye bags were carved under his eyes and he dragged his feet. Mahiru had followed him to his dorm one day and had just balked at the state of the place. Metal bits and bobbles and inventions were everywhere, tool kits spilled and grease soaking into the carpet hastily covered by a towel.
He hated the way she had put a hand on his shoulder and started to clean.
Kazuichu had come to the realization that he also loved her and when he voiced as much, she stood and smiled at him.
"I love you too, Kazuichi," was not the response he was expecting.
"You- you can just…?"
"Platonic love, you know? Friendship love?" She had on thick rubber gloves and she started neatly filing away screwdrivers. "The same sort of love you'd say you have for Hajime, right?"
He had had a crush on Hajime at one point but it never really grew beyond that. His feelings were back to the friendship point, but he would say that the guy was still really hot. He nodded along to Mahiru's words.
"It's good to express your love. Bottling it up… well, it sucks."
"Yeah, it… yeah, it does," he agreed, and Mahiru paused, standing up and looking at him. He looked back at her and she took a moment before speaking.
"Do you love…?"
"... yeah."
"Does he know?"
"I don't think so."
She didn't seem to like this answer. "Why not?"
"Hiru, I- I'm, well, I'm… I'm so fucking scared. "
He curled into himself, knees brought up to his chest and he held them close. Mahiru came over and shed her gloves, placing them on the floor before sitting beside him and putting an arm around him.
"I…" She began. "I told Hiyoko how I, um, felt."
"Y-yeah?"
"We're dating now. Have been for a few weeks."
"Wait, really?" Kazuichi was surprised enough to forget his own tears for a moment. "I couldn't even- even tell."
"We're keeping it a secret, only telling those we really trust. Eventually we'll be more open, but… with something like this, everyone's different. You move at your own pace."
When Hajime and Nagito had first gotten together, Hajime had kept it a secret that only Kazuichi knew. At this point, their whole class knew, and no one even cared .
A rumor had spread that the hall monitor and the delinquent from the class below had hooked up and no one cared besides the fact that it had apparently happened in the sauna. It was pretty funny when the hall monitor had practically blown a fuse saying "the sauna bonding was a very pure bro moment!".
Hell, Teruteru had blatantly said that he liked both men and women and no one cared. Albeit, no one wanted to be with him, but no one gave a shit about his preference.
And now, Mahiru and Hiyoko.
The people that Kazuichi mainly surrounded himself with wouldn't care and that was the best relief he had heard in ages.
He didn't have to tell his dad, he didn't owe it to him.
At least, not now, not yet.
He could run this the way he wanted to. He could take control of something he didn't have control of. He didn't have to go into this blind and hurting, he could go into this confident and strong.
"I need to tell Gundham," he said, standing. Mahiru looked both surprised and relieved. She stood as well and patted his back.
"Go get 'em, Kaz."
He didn't have anything that resembled a plan when he knocked on Gundham's door, but he did know what he wanted to say while he was riding this momentary confidence high. The door swung open and there he stood, in all his glory, looking a little confused.
"Kazuichi? What are you-"
"I, I like you? A lot?"
Gundham turnt a fierce shade of red and Kazuichi wondered why he ever thought he would be fine without seeing that.
"I… oh…"
"Actually, I, like, I, um." He forced his way into Gundham's room and closed the door beside himself. As the door slowly closed, he spoke these words.
"Actually, I love you. I hope you can return my feelings."
And Gundham did.
***
Kazuichi Souda.
5'6", sharp teeth, pink hair. Black beanie, neon yellow jumpsuit, thin build.
He was a boy riddled with insecurities.
When puberty shaped his body the way it did, he hated it. It was enough to be noticeable but it was enough that he stared at it in the mirror for hours on end and pushed the sides of his hips inward trying to thin them out. He didn't want to look like this, he hated it.
When puberty also gave him a squeaky voice and acne, he broke. His face was already blotchy, one of those people who didn't blush normally but blushed in that spider webby way that spread across his entire face and down his neck, so the acne only made everything seem worse. He got embarrassed so easily and so intensely that tears would often form which just made his embarrassment worse.
When he was betrayed by his best friend, everything in his life changed. He couldn't trust anyone or anything and everything felt like it was out to get him. He had to look scary and push everyone away, that was the only solution.
Until Hajime.
Hajime Hinata was Kazuichi Souda's soul brother and best friend. He was there when he fell, when he needed a shoulder to cry on, when he just needed to vent. He was sorta like the foundation to Kazuichi's crumbling home, a strong support that kept that rickety thing up.
Kazuichi loved him.
Until Mahiru.
Mahiru Koizumi was Kazuichi's Souda's close friend. There were very unlikely friends and even they knew that, but they clicked so well. She was the voice of reason in his windstorm of a head, inspiring him to follow his wildest dreams even when they felt so out of reach.
Kazuichi loved her.
Until Sonia.
Sonia Nevermind was Kazuichi's former crush and now friend. He still felt guilty for how he treated her and she reminded him every day of how he had changed. She was so kind and open and let him just word dump until he felt so much better.
Kazuichi loved her.
Until Ibuki Mioda, his classmate and friend who encouraged his style and always begged to let do his makeup.
Until Nekomaru Nidai, his classmate and friend who always picked him up when he seemed to be slumping down and hit him with words of encouragement.
Until Miu Iruma, his underclassmen and friend who always pulled him along for this experiment or that.
Until Mondo Oowada, his underclassmen and friend who he would spend hours going back and forth with gushing over their significant others while fixing up bikes.
He loved them.
Until Gundham.
Gundham Tanaka was his boyfriend, or, as he would put it, 'lover'. He was so genuinely kind and sweet that Kazuichi's teeth were bound to be full of cavities, if he was going to be cheesy. He was always open with him and reassured him anytime his brain got the better of him.
He really loved him so much.
And despite this, he was still insecure. He was still struggling with, well, everything .
But he wasn't alone, like he had been for so long.
He had support, he had help, he had people who loved him who he loved back.
And really, that's what he needed and wanted most of all.
While he couldn't confidently say that he loved Kazuichi Souda all the time, he could say that he thought he was a pretty good guy most of the time.
And for right now, that was enough for him to be okay.