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She told herself she came to Wakanda to see Steve. After being on the run for months on end, having to keep her covers, dye her hair, and just live in paranoia was completely exhausting. The spy had done it before, she could do it again, but she learned that she’d rather just be Natasha, stay Natasha, not pick up a new cover, or run from another threat.
Then Steve contacted Tony. Natasha had kept tabs on the two, feeling the need to keep an eye out for both stubborn men. They were her family, all that she had left really, and at the moment, she felt that none of them wanted to see her. Both had felt betrayed by her and that guilt sat in her stomach like a heavy layer of fog. It probably clouded her judgement as well, because soon enough, Natasha was trying to find a way to Wakanda.
To see Steve. To check up on him and the rest of the people on the run, like her. But there was something more. James was there, or at least he should be. He was with Steve the last time Natasha saw him— when she saw him, but he didn’t see her.
Once that brunette got caught up into the whole mess, Natasha didn’t want to do anything more than to drop everything and help him. But there was Ross, the accords she already signed. It was the decision she felt was good in the moment, yet now left a bitter taste in her mouth. She couldn’t even talk to him, be the one questioning him, protecting him like he did to her for all those years. No, instead she had to watch from a screen as he sat trapped in that chair, caged in like an animal. And then she had to fight him. Twice. He didn’t remember her either times.
So yes, Natasha was in Wakanda to see Steve, but also with hope of seeing James. The hope of seeing her James. The one with soft arctic blue eyes. The one who gave her butterflies when he laughed or smiled. The James that would treat her like a sacred being. That would caress her so gently, kiss her so deeply, and loved her with his whole soul. Her own heart wasn’t complete without him. Natasha had learned to ignore that pain, that feeling. She had compartmentalized it for years. But after seeing him again, and not just under Winter Solider brainwashing, brought back that ache and pain. Her heart felt like an open wound, and it wouldn’t recover.
Truth was, she couldn’t get him out of her head.
Not even when she was piloting a stolen plane towards the coordinates Steve had sent to Tony. Not even when a group of the dora milaje questioned why she was here, only for Steve and T’Challa to explain it was alright.
And, still, when Natasha found herself hugging Steve close as they muttered apologies to each other, Natasha couldn’t get the thought of James out of her head. It was like an ich she couldn’t scratch, a song stuck in her head. It took a lot of self restraint for Natasha not to just open her mouth and ask where he was.
Yet, somehow, Steve knew something was off about her.
“Are you alright? I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” he started as they walked through the Wakandan palace. She was given a guest room in the extravagant building, on the same floor as Steve’s.
“I’m fine. I’m here, alive, I never got caught,” she explained.
“Caught? Were you on the run?” Steve’s face twisted up into one of concern, and slight guilt. He hadn’t known that she was on the run like the rest of them. Natasha felt slightly hurt by that realization. She was the one that had saved him. Saved both of them.
“I take it that Stark never told you,” Natasha sighed, then paused. “Nor did T’Challa?”
She thought at least the King of Wakanda would notify Steve that he had reported her act against him to Ross.
Steve shook his head, and Natasha did’t even need to explain further. He already knew what she was going to say.
“God, I’m sorry Nat. I could’ve helped you, found you, maybe brought you here sooner. Heck, they could’ve brought you to the Raft, or even killed you, and I wouldn’t have known. I should’ve known,” he rambled.
“Steve,” she took his hand, stopping his spiral. “None of that is your fault. Let’s not talk about the accords anymore. I’d rather talk about better things. How’s life here?”
With that, the blonde gave her a firm nod, followed by a slight smile as he began to tell her about his time in Wakanda. They dropped off what little things Natasha had at her room, before Steve began to lead her down a hallway.
“I’m actually hoping to leave Wakanda. Meet up with Sam, and fight my battles instead of hiding from them. People still need our protection. Sure, I may be on the run, but I can handle that. There’s just one thing stopping me from leaving, one person actually,” Steve explained, before walking through a door with Natasha following shortly behind him.
Right once she entered the room, her feet froze. Her heart leapt into her throat and for a moment she felt like she couldn’t breathe. No. No. No. The flashback came out of nowhere.
“Natalia…” James breathed, his voice ragged from their sparring.
The redhead paused, also breathing heavily. She got up off of the mat, walked towards him until they were less than a foot apart. His eyes were downcast, looking at the ground. Immediately, she knew something was wrong.
“James?” she asked, her voice filled with concern. She reached out her hands to touch his face, his cheeks, to bring his gaze up to her eyes, yet he stopped her, his metal hand grasping ahold of her wrists. Even as he stopped her, his touch was gentle, yet still firm as he shook his head again.
“They know,” he whispered.
Natalia’s eyes went wide before they softened again. Since he released her hands, she reached out to take his own, but again, he backed away. His posture was crumpled, his stance closed off. He was closing himself off from her.
“They know I’ve broken out of the brainwashing. They’re gonna do something, and you have to let them do it,” he continued.
No. No, she would stop them, protect him, like he protected her. He stopped them from giving her enhanced injections. He was the one that made sure she wouldn’t turn into one of their lab rats, their experiments. The least she could do was do the same for him.
“No,” she responded, stubbornly, her voice strong.
“Yes,” he finally looked up at her, his eyes pleading. She had never seen that look from him. That helpless, begging look. It just about broke her heart. “Yes, you have to let them Natalia, because if you don’t, they’ll do something to you, and I can’t let that happen. I can take their torture, I can take whatever they give me. I’m already enhanced, I’ve been through this before. I… I know the pain, and I can’t let you endure it.”
“Don’t sacrifice yourself to protect me. Not when I’m trying to protect you. Not when I love you. Watching you in pain will hurt me more than physical pain itself. No, I can’t bare the thought of…”
He took a step forward, closing the distance between them. His lips silenced her, causing her to melt into him. His hands roamed her body, bringing her only closer to him. Their sweaty bodies were flush to each other, a perfect fit. It was like they were two puzzle pieces that connected seamlessly. She tugged at his hair, at his shirt, let out a gasp into his mouth. She could taste his sweat, yet the saltiness didn’t bother her.
James backed away before she could nip his lower lip, before she could straddle his hips, or bring him down onto the mat; before the kiss could go too deep, to the point of no return. His hand caressed her cheek, brushing away the loose tendrils of hair that had escaped her ponytail.
“That’s goodbye, milaya moy,” he breathed.
Natalia shook her head no, trying to hold back tears as her eyes became glossy. She never cried. She was the Black Widow, she shouldn’t be able to cry. Yet all of a sudden Natalia felt like she was going to break down. Like she was going to sob. This couldn’t be goodbye.
“I’ll always love you. Let me do this if you love me the same,” James added.
The redhead just took in a shuddered breath. It took all her strength to nod, to accept his decision, to follow his request. In a heartbeat, she would sacrifice herself for him. Yet he wanted her to just stand by and watch.
James leaned in, cupping her cheeks as he gave her a soft kiss.
And then he turned and left. A tear streaked down Natalia’s face, she wiped it away quickly before another took its place. He didn’t look back. He didn’t see her utterly heartbroken face. He didn’t see her defenses crumble. He didn’t see her tears.
She thought she wouldn’t see him again. Yet she did. She saw him the next day, in a cryo-freeze chamber. For a moment, Natalia didn’t think it was him. She prayed it wasn’t him. But the label over the top told her differently. Winter Soldat was written across the top.
Horror rushed through her. He looked dead, lifeless. Natalia walked forward until she was in front of the large tube. She reached out her hand, touching the glass as new tears escaped her eyelids. Natalia tried to blink them away, but it was no use.
“No…what have they done to you?” she whispered, taking in a breathless gasp.
“Natasha…”
She had to get him out.
“Natasha…”
She had to protect him.
“Natasha…”
That last kiss couldn’t be goodbye!
“Natasha!”
“Is she alright?”
“She blacked out, took a big hit to the head.”
“Everything else stable?”
“There was a spike to her pulse, but that’s it.”
“Any possible cause?”
“She just froze, then her eyes seemed glazed over, dazed even. I asked if she was alright, she didn’t say anything. A second later she fell.”
“Does this happen often…”
“Never happened before.”
There was more mumbling, but Natasha couldn’t understand what they were saying. The voices were too loud, there was a ringing in her ears.
“Tasha, wake up for me. Open your eyes.”
She blinked them open, only to close them again. It was too bright, painfully bright. Yet even so, she persisted until her eyes were fully open and she was looking up at Steve and another man, a doctor she assumed.
“Are you okay…? You—“
Before he could even complete his sentence, Natasha was up, standing, walking across the room until she was before him. In front of James who was trapped in a cryostasis chamber. He was frozen, just like the time before. Natasha couldn’t stop the tears from resurfacing. It was just like that time…
She stood there for a moment, just looking at him. She didn’t protect him.
“How could you let this happen?!” she turned to Steve, furious. She was ready to pounce on him, fight him if she had to.
Steve took a step back, practically flinching at her words. His face was also confused, he had no clue what she was talking about.
“What?”
“He’s in cryo, Steve! In this fucking tube that gives me nightmares at night!” she yelled, yet she still hadn’t moved from her spot. Tears were now streaming down her cheeks uncontrollably. As Natasha turned to face James again, she saw her own reflection in the glass. Angry, but completely broken. Her defenses were crumbling.
Steve stood there, frozen in place. Hurt was evidently shown on his face, and his mouth was slightly parted as he struggled to give an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” Natasha lowered her voice to a whisper. “Just, why? Please tell me why.”
The blonde sucked in a breath. He had no clue what Natasha and Bucky’s history entailed, he just had the sense that there was one. Just from the way she had glanced at him, when she had let them go in the airport in Berlin, he had a feeling she had known Bucky, in one way or another.
“He wanted to go under. Said he couldn’t trust his own mind,” Steve explained. “They’re trying to get rid of the trigger words, the brainwashing. Maybe even bring back the memories that were erased.”
Natasha just nodded, her focus returning to the brunette frozen in the glass tube. She placed her hand on the glass, over where his heart would be.
“You knew him,” Steve said. It wasn't a question, more so a statement.
“I loved him,” she stated in response. “I still love him.”