Work Text:
It was a while after they'd agreed to marry one another that they actually gave the whole ordeal any amount of consideration at all, and at the point they did, Crowley and Aziraphale started to well and truly panic.
"Do you know how much effort goes into a wedding?"
"We have to have specific flowers??"
"What about the cake?"
"What do we wear?"
"How do we invite people?"
"Who do we invite?"
"Where are we even having it?"
"Do we get gifts?"
Eventually, the angel and demon calmed down enough to realise they couldn't answer all of the questions at once, but that they did need to plan it, and soon, unless they wanted the humans they planned on inviting to die before they had it.
"Where do we start then, angel?"
"How about the theme, my dear?"
"The theme?"
"Yes. What do we want it to be like?"
Crowley frowned, "I want it to be good."
“Yes, of course, my dear, but how?”
“I don’t know, you decide.”
Aziraphale responded slightly too quickly for Crowley’s liking.
“I’d like a traditional wedding.”
“You what?”
“You heard me perfectly well, darling.”
“..how traditional do you want it?”
“Quite.”
“You want me to present as female?”
“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. I just quite enjoyed the first weddings and I want to have that.”
“..so you want to see me hopping about at the altar?”
“No. It would be nice to do, though.”
“Me? In a church? Aziraphale, I love you but we’re not doing that.”
“What if we deconsecrated it?”
“Oh yeah, that’d work. Imagine, ‘oh hey mr vicar, sorry to bother you but we need you to quickly deconsecrate the church, only for a couple of hours, please’ “
“What if I did it?”
“Can you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then try it!”
“How?”
“Got any holy water?”
Aziraphale looked shocked, then slightly shifty.
“Well? Have you?”
“I want you to know I don’t keep it lying around.”
“..right”
“I wouldn’t want to hurt you with it.”
“But you do have some?”
“Yes. For protection.”
“Well get it out then!”
Aziraphale sighed, then moved towards the flat which came with the shop, which was never used, and came back with a large vase full of water. Crowley subconsciously shrank back in his chair, slightly unnerved at the memory of how Hastur had disintegrated in front of him.
The angel carefully set it onto the coffee table, and then went over to his bookshelf, leaving his fiancé with the holy water. Great.
He returned a few seconds later with two books, and saw the demon hadn’t moved, except for tucking his feet underneath him.
“Are you quite alright, my dear?”
“I’m fine, angel. Just..careful, ok?”
Aziraphale nodded, and read from the first book.
“So, first I just pray to get rid of the holiness.”
“Yeah that sounds like fun. Dear god, can you get rid of the holiness of this? I wanna get married to a demon, ya know, one of the ones you kicked out? Thank you, amen.”
Aziraphale giggled, then glared at him.
“That, my dear, is blasphemy, and it is a sin.”
“I’m a demon.”
“Yes, well, it’s still wrong. Now let me concentrate.”
Crowley shrugged, and listened to the angel as he prayed. In Latin.
He mentally translated it:
"Our parent, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, I beg you, take the blessing from this water, for the benefit of your trusting servant and his beloved."
The demon watched as he repeated the phrase, a slight smile on his face from ‘beloved’.
After about 5 rounds of it, Aziraphale stopped.
“How are we testing it out?”
The angel’s eye wandered to the second book.
“Well..there’s no real way to know.”
“Unless..?”
“Unless we test it.”
“On- oh. OH! You want to-“
“It’ll be contained, my dear.”
“Yeah ok. Who’re you summoning?”
“Well..I don’t quite know. The descriptions are quite vague.”
“But it’s not me, right?”
“No, it seems to be some kind of lizard.”
“A lizard. Not a snake? A lizard.”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure?”
”Quite sure.”
“Ok then.”
Aziraphale miracled some chalk and began drawing a summoning circle. Crowley nervously chewed on his fingernails from his perch on the armchair.
The angel grabbed the ex-holy water, and holding it in a throwing position, before reciting the words in the book carefully.
“Get ready to throw it angel!” The demon yelled, and then felt a familiar pulling feeling, just as Aziraphale shouted an acknowledgement.
Shit.
Crowley’s heart pounded as he started to rematerialise in front of his fiancé. He closed his eyes tightly, preparing for impact.
It hit him. It was cold. Very, very cold, but it didn’t burn.
He was alive.
Drenched, but alive.
And very, very pissed off.
“Aziraphale.”
The angel drew a breath, avoiding looking in his eyes.
“You said it was a lizard.”
“Well, it looked like a lizard.”
The demon gave him a terrifying look, and he took a small step backwards, on instinct.
“You tried to kill me! You idiot!”
Aziraphale smiled wickedly, getting an idea.
“you seem slightly too cross, my dear.”
“Of course I’m cross! My ex-fiancé just tried to murder me.”
“Oh dear. Well, I’m going to go and get some milk.”
“What? No, angel, let me out!”
“Pardon?” He asked as he opened the door.
“We don’t even need milk!!”
but it was too late. The angel had already left. Angelic bastard.
Crowley sighed, resigned to sitting in the circle, the whole thing spinning around his head. But God, if he didn’t just adore that bastard.