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Shouyou turned in his bed, restless with the lack of sleep and the heavy thumping of his heart. It was painful, breathing hard enough without the sobs choking it out of his lungs, but no matter what he tried he couldn't relax. He felt lethargic, with the sick immobility of the body, his limbs moving only when he put all his will into it and eyes half-closing in exhaustion; and yet his mind kept spinning. Over and over the same scene, the same face repeating 'no' time after time…
He never believed it was possible to die of a broken heart, but as he was lying in the darkness of Yamaguchi's guestroom, Shouyou thought it must have felt a lot like what he was feeling now. Only he wasn't dying. He would have to live with this pain, with this bitterness, and hurt, and resentment for the rest of his life.
He laughed, a short, ugly sound that only served to bring forth another wave of nausea that made him grimace. Shouyou clutched at the covers laying flat over his stomach and flipped to the side, curling in on himself to find momentary relief. He was sick, sick to his stomach, to the bottom of his heart. That was what unrequited love did to people - it made them sick with a disease that no medicine could ever cure.
Tears welled in his eyes again, and again he listened to the voice that broke him into pieces. Why did he had to fall in love? It ruined everything… He was so happy before - he had a job, a good apartment to live in, nice neighbours, great social life, a boyfriend who actually cared about him, and freedom to sleep with anyone he wanted to. It was everything he ever dreamed of, and yet it wasn't enough.
He fell in love.
And it destroyed his life.
Not even caring about the wet splotches of tears on his cheeks or the fresh ones forming on the covers by his face, Shouyou closed his eyes, the exhaustion finally pulling him into shallow slumber. Maybe he'll wake up tomorrow and it will all turn out to be just a bad dream, a naïve part of him thought, as it had done for the past week. But deep in his heart he knew it won't happen, no matter how much time passes. The damage has already been done, his heart was already scarred.
What lied ahead was only pain, and even more pain. Pain, until everything - even his heart - goes numb…
It was earlier that week, late afternoon, when Shouyou was coming back home, brimming with joy and almost skipping a few steps at a time. He couldn't wait to tell Tooru the news! That promotion, the one he's been slaving himself for over two years for - it was finally his. It was still a bit early for the official statement (there was still a week left before the announcement), but his boss has asked him over to lunch that very day and admitted it was his for the taking. If he wanted it, of course.
Shouyou did. He chased after it ever since the first week he's been working in the sales department at Nagano's branch of Monthly Volleyball magazine. He was happy, so unbelievably happy he wanted to scream 'YES!' at his boss then and there, but something stopped him. It was a generous offer - higher pay and better position, not to mention he would be opening himself to another possibility of promotion. The only problem was that this new job came with a baggage - he'd have to move to Tokyo for the next two years. And while that wasn't a problem for Shouyou at all - he was quite okay with meeting new people and changing the setting a bit - it might be a big problem for his boyfriend.
Tooru was an amazing soul, that was a fact. He might have had a mean streak to his personality, but in Shouyou's mind it only made him more endearing, and an even greater contrast to his kindness. Because Tooru was that, kind. He might have had a bad timing with expressing it, he might have come off as arrogant, crude even, but underneath it all hid a gentle person with fragility that has always grasped at Shouyou's heart.
They've been together since high school, in and out of the relationship - or maybe it was better to say they slept with each other often? - coming back like a boomerang, and finding the peace they needed in the other's arms. There was a lot of guys Tooru slept with between Shouyou and Shouyou, and there was a lot of guys in his own bed as well, so being exclusive was never a question for the two of them, even though technically they were boyfriends.
After high school, when they rented a small flat across the college grounds, everything seemed to have stayed the same. Seemed to, because more often than not, even after spending the night in someone else's bed, they would come home to their small flat with only one big bed and sleep together - just sleep, comfortably entangled in a warm embrace of limbs that spoke more than their words ever would.
It was almost five years later now, and sometimes Shouyou missed the past. Life was easy then, nothing complicated, just follow the routine - shower, eat, go to class, eat, do homework, have sex, eat some more, sleep - and you'll do. Or maybe it wasn't really that simple, maybe the time has washed away all the troubles, but at least then Shouyou didn't know what he wanted so it was easier to focus on everything and nothing altogether.
But now, now he knew what he wanted. He knew it in every pang of hurt he felt as he read another text from Tooru saying he won't be home for the night. He knew it in every whiff of Tooru's cologne as the other got ready to get out. He knew it in the light scraping of the key in the lock of their front door in the early morning hours, he knew it in the painful tightening of his chest when Tooru slipped into bed beside him, his scent mixed with another, nauseating, and he knew it in the anger and jealousy as he watched Tooru shamelessly flirt with others.
He wanted him. Not only his body, but the heart as well. All of it. All of Tooru. He wanted morning cuddles and sweet smiles. Goodnight kisses and movie nights. Holding hands and running in the rain, like stupid teenagers they never got to be. He wanted them to be real.
And this new job was a perfect opportunity to give him the courage to finally ask Tooru if he wanted that, too. They could move to Tokyo together and start over, just the two of them…
Shouyou skipped a few steps up the stairs, his grin widening. Tooru should be home by now, they promised to eat together after Shouyou gets back, so while he fiddled with the lock of their front door, Shouyou thought to himself it'd be the perfect moment to pop the question. Face shining in joy, he stepped through the threshold and into their apartment.
"I'm back," he said, expecting an immediate reply, as it always came when Tooru was home.
But the only thing that greeted him was the silence of the dark hall and slow ticking of an old clock hanging opposite the door. Shouyou frowned. And then he shrugged. Even if Tooru wasn't here, he should be any minute now. He checked his phone just to make sure that he didn't miss any messages or calls from his boyfriend, and he was about to move to the sitting room to aimlessly stare at the TV to pass the time, when his ears caught a faint sound of wood scraping on wood.
He focused, and yes, he was right. It was coming through the small space under the door of their bedroom, and without even thinking about it much, Shouyou pushed it open. The next second a part of him really wished he hadn't. But it was a small part, naïve and trusting, and he smashed it to pieces with the steel hammer of pain that suddenly coursed through his chest. And for the first time in years, he finally opened his eyes to reality.
Because in front of him, in their bed no less - in their bed - was Tooru, naked and panting, thrusting deep into some guy Shouyou couldn't even see the face of. It hurt, enough to knock the breath out of his lungs. Shouyou's fingers tightened on the keys he was still holding, flesh biting into sharp edges hard enough to bleed.
But it was also oddly calming, he noticed with surprise. A strange sense of peace swallowed him whole, as if something that he knew would happen had just happened in front of his eyes. A finality of sorts that left nothing to debate. And Shouyou suddenly realized what it was.
Tooru would never leave with him. He didn't love him. At least not in the same way Shouyou did, and not in the way he wanted him to.
He was still standing at the door, frozen in place by this revelation - or maybe he knew it all along and was just pushing it away, lying to himself, pretending not to see - when Tooru noticed his presence and his movements stopped. He didn't pull away from the other man though, another stab to Shouyou's already throbbing heart.
"Oh, you're back," Tooru said with a somewhat embarrassed smile at being caught. "Aren't you a bit early?"
"No, I'm not," he answered, voice strangely calm. Where was this self-control coming from? He didn't know, didn't even care, but he supposed it was a defence mechanism of sorts. "You're late."
Too late to fix anything, Shouyou thought bitterly.
"So sorry about that," his face looked sincere, but Shouyou has long learned not to trust Tooru's face. It never did him any good. "I'll be done soon, so just wait in the kitchen and we'll grab something to eat, okay?"
Shouyou wanted to snort. He wanted to punch Tooru for the sheer audacity to say something like that while he still had his dick buried deep in another man's ass. But he couldn't. The strange apathy held him tight and he could only shrug at the offer.
"Don't bother," he said, unclenching his fist and disinterestedly looking at his blood covered keys. It took only a second for him to decide, and he threw them on the floor, the metal clattering on wood echoing with the sound of his heart breaking into pieces. "I'm moving out."
He didn't even look at Tooru as he turned away and left the room, steps lighter than he expected. It was surprisingly easy to walk away, leave them in that bed - in their bed - and just go. The mist of calm fogging up his emotions helped him get to the door, and he had already grasped at the knob, when a hand on his arm stopped him. Shouyou knew he should ignore it, leave without looking back, but nonetheless he did.
"What do you mean you're moving out?" Detachedly, Shouyou noticed that Tooru had enough decency to put on some pants before coming after him. "Why?"
"Because I can't be with you anymore," he answered looking his boyfriend - or now ex - squarely in the eyes. He knew that his own were probably as empty as he felt inside. "I just can't."
"Why?" Tooru insisted, a confused frown on his face. "Is it because of this?" His hand motioned to the bedroom, and Shouyou had to briefly close his eyes. He didn't understand anything… "We never said we'd be exclusive and you had no problem with this before, so why-"
"That's our bed, Tooru." And just as suddenly as it came, the calm over his mind was broken and Shouyou strained under the onslaught of pain and regret, and anger. Anger so powerful he took a step towards the other, raising his voice and stabbing Tooru's naked chest with his finger. "Yours and mine. Our fucking bed, Tooru."
"But it's just a bed, come on," the man smiled, the same way he usually did when Shouyou was angry with him. Cute, innocent, playful. It usually worked, but this time… This time it was too much. "I'll wash the sheets and it'll be fine, right?"
"It's just… a bed?"
He was serious, Shouyou could see that. And it pained him all the more, because that meant Tooru didn't understand at all. And he clearly didn't feel the same as Shouyou. But that same small naïve part of him whispered of yet another chance, test him one more time before we accept it as truth. So he did.
"Tell me, Tooru," he asked, looking the other in the eye, hoping to be wrong about his judgement. "Would you stop sleeping with others if I asked you to?"
"Shou-"
"Just answer me," he demanded, eyes shining with steel. He needed to know.
"I-" he could see how Tooru struggled with himself, and for a second Shouyou's hope burned with a beautiful light of 'maybe I was wrong'. "No. I'm sorry, but no."
He was ready to hear it, he knew it even before Tooru spoke the words. But it still hurt when it actually slipped past his lips. Past the very same lips that kissed him so many times before. Shouyou shook his head lightly to free it of the suddenly welling memories and tears, and smiled a small, broken smile.
"I thought so, too," he said, turning around to leave, but he stopped in a moment of hesitation, with his hand already on the door, pushing it open. He didn't knew why he did, probably he wanted, desperately, stupidly, he wanted Tooru to come after him again. But this time… this time he didn't.
Almost a week after, Shouyou woke up in the morning, the light shining merrily through the curtains in Yamaguchi's guest bedroom, and Shouyou sighed deeply with all his soul in it, feeling positively like shit. His head hurt, he was the nasty kind of groggy and even coffee did nothing to help the bags under his red, puffy eyes.
He took a long shower that did nothing to energize him, dressed, packed up all the things he brought from his and Tooru's apartment two days after they split up and zipped the bags. It was time, he had to leave. Leave Tooru, leave Yamaguchi's, leave Nagano. He has always been looking forward to it, but now that he was only a running distance from the station, he felt lonely.
With a sigh, he pulled his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and picked a number. He rarely called him, but there was no person better suited for what he wanted to say than Iwaizumi.
"Ah, Iwaizumi-san?" he asked after the line connected. "It's Hinata."
"What did the idiot do now?"
It was a bored, slightly exasperated reply, as if the man knew that only Tooru could be a reason for him to call. Shouyou's heart throbbed painfully in his chest, but he laughed fondly. This friendship between Iwaizumi and Tooru was really something he loved to watch unfold, because despite how much they bickered, they always cared about each other, no matter how much Iwaizumi wanted to deny it.
"It's not that," he said, suddenly self-conscious. He didn't want to tell Iwaizumi that they broke up, it'd be better if it came from Tooru. But… "I just wanted to let you know that I'm moving to Tokyo," he continued after a deep breath. "But Tooru… He doesn't know."
The silence on the other end of the line was an invitation to go on, Shouyou knew, but his unstable emotions suddenly got the better of him and he didn't know what else to say. So he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.
"I broke up with him," he choked out. "But I wanted to tell you I'm leaving in case he gets worried or something… God, I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm sorry for taking up your time, Iwaizumi-san. I'd better go, I have a train to catch, so…"
"I see," Iwaizumi's voice was softer than before, and Shouyou felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He blinked rapidly to get rid of them. He didn't need this right now. "Have a safe journey then."
"Thank you," it was heartfelt and sincere, and Shouyou closed his eyes briefly. "For all you've done for me - for us - thank you."
"I didn't do anything though," if he could see him, Shouyou would swear Iwaizumi was shrugging. "But I bet that idiot is eating his tears away somewhere, serves him right. You were too good for him either way," Shouyou laughed a bit at that, but it was a shallow, painful sound.
"I'll leave him to you then, Iwaizumi-san," he said as a final farewell. "Goodbye."
"Yeah, take care."
The steady sound of the disconnected line filled Shouyou's ears with a sense of finality. This was it. His life in Nagano was now over.
With a sigh he slung one bag over his shoulder and took the second one in his hands. It was everything he needed, toiletries and a few sets of clothes. No unnecessary reminders of what he was leaving behind, no photos, no presents from friends, nothing. Just him, alone, starting anew.
But it was cold, Shouyou thought, rubbing his bare hands together as he stood on a busy platform waiting for his train to pull in. It was the middle of the day, but people were rushing all around him, absorbed in their own little worlds, and a sudden loneliness gripped Shouyou by the heart.
That day, after he ran away from Tooru, he promised himself that even after his contract ends, he will stay in Tokyo. He wasn't running away - or maybe he was, whispered that cursed small part of him that he hated now with real passion - but he never wanted to be drawn back to Tooru again. They came about one another like magnets, two forces thrown together despite the many different choices that put them on opposite paths.
But once he leaves, Shouyou won't be coming back. It will be over. That sick attraction and attachment that never allowed them to fully leave will dissipate and for the first time ever, they will be able to breathe. They will finally move on with their lives, because there was no way Shouyou was coming back of his own volition. And Tooru coming after him was even more improbable, so there was that.
Shouyou turned his head to glance at the huge clock by the entrance gate that was ticking the minutes away, but before he could actually look at it, he froze in shock, gaze straining towards the figure that stopped underneath it, hands on his knees and bowed in half, breathless and panting. Their eyes locked, and Shouyou swallowed hard, the chilling air suddenly too hot to breathe.
"Iwa-chan told me you were leaving," Tooru said as soon as he came within talking distance, and Shouyou had to briefly close his eyes. He didn't want this to happen, damn it. Tooru wasn't supposed to know yet. "I understand that you may feel like you want to move out from our apartment and put some distance between us, I get it. Everyone needs a break from time to time," he smiled, but it was clearly fake. "But this? Why are you leaving Nagano?" the man asked, putting a hand on his arm, as if afraid Shouyou would run away once again. "Shou-chan, please, talk to me."
He only shook his head, looking away, "There's nothing to talk about anymore. I'm leaving and I don't plan on coming back."
"But why?" the grip on his arm tightened almost painfully and Shouyou reluctantly turned his gaze back to Tooru. "I- I'm sorry, I tried to, but I just don't understand what's happening. Weren't we happy together? You used to smile so much-"
Tooru reached a hand to Shouyou's cheek, but before he could place it on the chilled skin, Shouyou took a step back, carefully avoiding his touch. The hand fell limply to the man's side.
"What changed?" confused brown eyes bore into his, begging for answers.
Their conversation came to an abrupt halt when the train wheeled into the platform, the noise muffling everything apart from their own thoughts. They looked at each other until the machine stopped and large doors swooped open not far from where they stood, but neither of them moved.
Shouyou turned to gaze at the train that would take him away, far away, never to come back, and then his eyes trailed back to Tooru. He still couldn't believe he was there, actually there, trying to stop him. And that damned sweet, naïve tiny spot in his heart was singing with hope that maybe, just maybe, Tooru was there because he too loved him.
But that was hard to believe, Shouyou smiled a small, sad smile.
"I fell in love," he said, his voice quiet.
"Oh," Tooru smiled as if relieved. "So that's why you're leaving? Well, if that's the case, it can't be helped," he shrugged and grinned even wider, patting him on the shoulder. "I hope you'll be happy then."
Once, twice, thrice was his heart crushed, and this time - when Shouyou bowed his head the ugly, hysterical laughter bubbling from his chest as the tears welled in his eyes - this time he hoped it'd be the last. He looked up at Tooru, who now watched him with surprised confusion and a hint of worry, and he laughed although all he wanted to do was cry.
"You're such a fucking asshole, Tooru, you know that?" he said, the brief relief of letting go of the pain building up in his chest gone, as something even heavier settled above his heart. Shouyou felt a single tear roll down his face and he smiled, smiled because this was it, this was the end. "I'm in love with you."
"What-"
There was shock on the other's face, such as Shouyou has never seen before, until sudden understanding flashed through the brown eyes. The man opened his mouth to say something, but Shouyou shook his head.
"Goodbye, Tooru."
He picked his bags and walked away, leaving the man he loved behind on the platform. He didn't look back, and there was no need to. Because this time Tooru didn't come after him either.
And as the wide doors slid shut behind him, the train starting to move and slowly gaining speed, he sagged against the wall, the sobs wrecking his body, and Shouyou was sure that he would never come after him again.