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The days of being a trainee were never easy for anyone. Some of the most dedicated and strong future soldiers would have whatever was left of their vigor completely destroyed by having to run and maneuver through the grueling summer heat. It wasn't like winter weather was easier, but practice was more likely to be cancelled for snow rather than the possibility of heatstroke. Though it was only the beginning of June, after having experienced the previous record heat summer, Jean had come prepared. A small water bottle in his back pocket or stuffed down his shirt could mean the difference between passing out mid air or only being taken to the infirmary later. Thankfully, that day's practice wasn't too bad. Every practice took a bit more of his will to live, but at least it hadn't killed him yet. The heat was mostly bearable during the day, but he always held a certain fondness for the temperature of summer nights. Maybe they'd get to eat watermelon or meat at some point. Though it was very unlikely, the daydreams were incredibly appealing.
Jean was about to go inside for dinner when he noticed Armin was missing in the usual trio he formed with Eren and Mikasa. That on its own was concerning enough, but he had already been thinking about Armin a lot lately. He wasn't sure how to label his feelings toward Armin. The feelings had lingered for longer than he would've liked to admit. Armin was constantly on his mind. For once, Jean was actually thinking. He had long since applauded himself for his own honesty and achievements, but for the first time where it felt serious and raw, he had no idea what to do about his feelings. It ate away at him, and so he only thought about it when it was late at night or when he couldn't bear to not think about it any longer.
Jean shook away those endless thoughts and went up to Mikasa to tap her on the shoulder.
She turned around with the same aloof look as usual on her face. "Do you need something Jean?"
"Yeah, um, do you know where Armin is?" Mikasa and Eren both raised an eyebrow at this.
"Why do you need to kn—" Eren started before Mikasa interrupted him, "I saw him going into the woods." Eren whipped his head around and exclaimed, "Why would you tell him that!?"
She didn't blink at his outburst. "You know how he gets, Eren. Armin will forget to have dinner unless someone goes to get him." She ignored Eren's protests before saying, "Jean, you should go check on him."
"A-Alright." Jean disregarded Eren's pouting before directing a hesitant smile to Mikasa. She waved before leaving while dragging Eren off behind her.
He had heard rumors about Armin going into the woods to scream away from everyone, but he didn't think they were true. Was today's training that bad? He made it to the edge of the forest and peered in to see no signs of Armin close by.
After walking for a bit, he looked around to see where he was. The sunlight around him was falling at a languorous pace, and the clustered shadows of branches were creating wobbling lines on the ground. He could hear the trickling of a stream nearby. Taking a break and regrouping himself would be for the best. But, would he even be able to make it back? If Armin wasn't close by, he would have almost no chance of finding him before the sunset, and then there would be no chance at all of finding Armin in the dark. He realized he forgot to bring a lantern. The silence of the woods was only increasing the thoughts piling into his head. What if he had to spend the night in the woods? What if Armin had gotten injured and he wasn't there to help him? What if—
"Ah, Jean!" He jolted and turned around to see Armin looking at him with amusement playing on his face. "Did I scare you?" He smirked at this, but Jean could tell it was lighthearted and tinged with concern.
He was so glad Armin seemed okay, but he was too flustered to tell Armin that though. "N-No. What are you doing out here?"
Armin's face lit up at this. "Why don't you come and see?" He grabbed Jean by the wrist and began taking him somewhere without saying another word.
Jean looked down at where their bodies met. He felt the same nebulous feeling he'd come to associate with Armin. Being so close to him made Jean notice things he usually didn't. Armin's hair was getting a bit long, and his grip felt stronger than Jean expected. Why did he want Jean to join him? Would he have done this with anyone else? Jean had no idea, but for this time at least, it was only him. At that moment, he would've followed Armin anywhere.
"We're here!"
Armin brought him to an opening where the stream he'd been hearing was. The area was mossy and overgrown with a few stumps and rocks strewn about. He noticed Armin's lantern by the brook along with a notebook and pencil. What if Armin had been writing down his feelings instead of screaming them into the woods? Was he so considerate as to not even want the possibility of someone accidentally seeing his thoughts?
"...Are you okay?" Jean asked, and by this point, Armin had let go of his hand. At Jean's question, he swung around to face him, his excitement for something else barely being held back.
"I'm fine, of course!" Jean tilted his head in confusion. "You didn't think I was doing something drastic out here, did you? Oh, you forgot your lantern and everything, Jean."
"Putting that aside," having his hastiness called out with such ease made him jump to the next topic, "what else is there to even do out here? Let's go back and get something to eat. It's been a long day for all of us." Jean prepared to leave, but Armin grabbed his wrist again and faced him back at the clearing.
"No, no, come on! Don't you see? It's so beautiful out here!" Armin gestured to the whole area while still clinging onto Jean. The feeling was back, and a weird giddiness bubbled up in his throat.
"W-Well, yeah. That's nice, but we should go get dinner—" he was cut off by Armin shaking his head and saying, "The fireflies, Jean! They're so pretty tonight!"
There were dozens of tiny flashing bugs all around them. In the fading light, the scenery encapsulated the essence of summer. A warm, nostalgic feeling washed over Jean. Then, he saw a firefly blink in Armin's face. The neon glow reflected in his eyes, and he gasped in delight.
"Ahh! That one was so close! Are you looking, Jean?" He tugged on Jean's arm. Somehow, Armin's overflowing fascination was more enrapturing than the lightning bugs, and thoughts of dinner seemed so far away. Again, he thought. Again, again. Could he see that expression one more time? He stopped protesting after that.
The bug flew away, and then Armin seemed to remember something. "Oh, right! You asked why I came out here. And I guess we're partners in crime now since you're not leaving either." He bounced on his toes in excitement about what he was going to say next. "Well, fireflies are more common this deep in the woods. They're especially attracted to clear streams and condensed populations of trees. I wanted to see them since I've never really gotten the chance to explore deep into a wooded area. And I know where it ends, so even if I get lost, I can just call for help."
"There are really more than I've ever seen at once out here." He paused for a moment to stare at another firefly passing close by. "Jean, I wonder, have you ever caught one in your hands?"
Jean shook his head. "So you haven't either..." Armin mused as he crouched down to lift the lid on his lantern. He licked his index finger and pinched the flame. The fireflies were more noticeable after that.
They observed the scene in silence for a few minutes. To Jean's surprise, they were a lot faster and harder to follow than he expected them to be. While more had appeared as they stood still, the bugs were too small and nimble to track for more than a couple seconds. He would notice a flash out of the corner of his eye, and he would promise, this time, this time he would watch it until it flew away. And then, the blackness of its back would fade into the trees, and he would have to start all over again.
His own incompetence was frustrating enough, but he could only watch Armin crane his head at various odd angles for so long. Steeling his nerves, he vowed to catch one with his own hands. With this development, he squeezed Armin's shoulder with ironclad determination. Armin stared up at him in silent reverence.
Five minutes later, he'd scared off most of the fireflies that were previously around them and had clapped his hands together enough to scare off a couple birds.
"Ahahaha, jeez! What was that, Jean? Hahaha!" He doubled over while clutching his stomach. Jean realized he couldn't blame the redness in his face on exertion. The tugging feeling he felt in his gut at being the cause of Armin's pure joy wasn't nausea from jumping around so much. No matter how embarrassing it was, he hoped he could make Armin laugh like this at least one more time.
As Armin caught his breath, an unassuming firefly flittered into view. It hovered right in front of Jean, and he took one last chance. Having learned from his past defeats, he tried a new tactic where he scooped the bug up from underneath, and then he put his other hand over it.
It took a moment for the victory to sink in, but then, he felt it crawling around in his hand. He immediately turned to Armin.
"Hey, hey, look Armin!! Look!! I did it!!" Jean couldn't contain his elation. His grin nearly split his face in two.
"Ooh, did you now? Let me see!" Armin rushed to his side and squeezed up next to him. He was so close again.
Jean uncovered his hand to show a dazed firefly sitting in his palm. It blinked once and wiggled a bit before buzzing off. The bug floated above them before winking a final time as it disappeared into the woods. He thought about the flashing pattern. They would've been like any other bug flying around without it. Jean wondered what made fireflies so special.
"Hey Armin," he looked up at Jean as if he knew what Jean was going to say next. "Why do fireflies glow like that?"
"It's fascinating, isn't it? They're so pretty. Of course it makes sense for them to come out during the longest days of the year and illuminate the outdoors. But everything in nature has a reason. Fireflies shine their lights to ward off predators. And if that fails, fireflies secrete poison upon ingestion. They also flicker in certain patterns to attract mates. A higher rate of flaring with brighter intensity in males is said to be more appealing to females. Surprisingly, this is a relatively new development in evolution. The ancestors of the fireflies we see now would locate mates with pheromones. But, some species of fireflies are still only pheromone based, and they don't produce light at all."
Jean knew he would be thinking of this moment for the rest of the night. There was nothing to worry about in this little haven they had created. It was only the babbling stream, the summer draft rustling the trees, the waning sunlight, the dancing fireflies, and Armin's soft voice. Other than that, they were alone.
"...you know, if lightning bugs didn't emit cold light, they would overheat and die. But anyways, it sure would be nice if it were that easy to find love as a human. Just a smell or a particularly fast light from someone screaming 'pick me!' would make things much more simple."
Armin's words caught up to him, and he felt an odd sense of uneasiness creep into his chest. It felt out of place hearing Armin talk about love. He had assumed Armin wasn't into that kind of thing. One day, Armin would find someone like he wanted to. He found himself wanting to think about anything but that.
"Ah, I guess I talked your ear off, huh?" Armin gave a sympathetic look at him zoning out.
"Oh no, not at all. Sorry, I was just," he trailed off without finishing his excuse. Armin turned back to the lightning bugs.
"I want to catch one too!" Armin had a knack for understanding other people's moods. It was another part of Armin that made him so personable. Jean liked how he didn't have to say a word before Armin would support him without drawing attention to his issues. Jean had noticed him doing that with the people he was closest to. Jean wanted it to be like that for him too, but he had settled with proximity being the reason.
The fireflies had started to reappear after Jean's stunt. He knew Armin would take a more calculated approach, but it wasn't going to be easy for him either.
Armin's nose had scrunched up in concentration as he eased his way over to a firefly suspended above a leaf. Without hesitating or getting frustrated like Jean had, he cornered the bug, and it settled in his hand with little to no resistance. He opened his mouth in silent shock at how Armin hadn't fumbled like he did. The version of Armin he had created in his head was one where he leaned on Jean for help, but he was more capable than Jean was in reality. He had a surprising bold streak when he was in his element, and somehow, Jean found that the real Armin was much more appealing than he could've ever thought up.
"You didn't mention how ticklish this would feel!" He giggled at the firefly wandering in little lines on his skin. "Oh, I want to see its shine, but I don't want to let it go."
Jean hadn't noticed how late it had gotten. Since outside the woods was mostly flat land for training other than some buildings, after a long day of hanging in the sky, the sun rested up against the horizon with ease. The rays filtering in through the trees burned brighter than normal as if they knew they'd be gone soon. Armin's back was turned to the sun, and the dusk's glow created a halo around his head. Armin peered into a crack in between his thumb and index finger with wonder. A soft, cascading breeze ruffled his hair.
Overwhelmed and without fully comprehending his movements, Jean smushed his lips up against Armin's. A small 'oh!' escaped Armin before he melted into it. His arms fell to his side, and the firefly ascended above the treetops. Some sort of fog had overtaken Jean's mind. All he could think about was how warm everything felt in that moment. It was like flopping onto fresh sheets while sunburnt, like drinking cold water on a sunny afternoon, like coming home to his Mom and eating omelet as the sun set, like—
Oh. It wasn't any of those things, was it? He knew the feeling, and yet, he didn't. What was it?
He opened his eyes. Armin's eyes were squeezed shut, and his face was so close, but he didn't feel Armin's breath. And then, Jean realized he wasn't breathing, and that's what this was. His lips were pressed up against Armin's. When the reality of the situation finally dawned on him, he yanked back.
"I'm so sorry!" That was all Jean could find the words for. But, there was so much more he wanted to say.
The clouds in his mind had cleared. The sun had set. And Armin was fixated on him. His body was flaming, and Armin's face was tinged with a slight pink hue. He stared at Armin's cheeks and noticed how light freckles were dotted there. The low neck of Armin's shirt revealed the quick rise and fall of his chest. There were noisy crickets, nearby bird calls, and peals of laughter in the distance. All Jean could hear was Armin's soft panting. All he could think was Armin, Armin, Armin.
After a minute or so passed, and they had both caught their breath, Jean peered down at him. Armin had averted his gaze and placed two fingers onto his lips. A mere second passed before Armin's eyes darted to meet his, and Jean's breath hitched. Would he be hated for this? Could he write it off as an unconscious fluke? Or would he be able to do it one more time? Jean wanted to scold himself for being selfish and projecting so much desire onto one person, but after kissing him, it had all come bubbling to the surface. Every time he thought about wanting to see a new expression again, every time Armin got a bit closer to him compared to anyone else, every time he had imagined Armin relying on him, it had all led to this.
Armin let out a light sigh. Jean couldn't help jumping at even the slightest noise after that extended lull. He could see Armin's hands shaking, and he wondered if Armin felt the same fragility in the air as he did. If he moved wrong or blurted out something weird, all that had built up over this time could come crashing down. He never wanted to move again, and yet, he was struggling to hold himself back from silencing whatever heartbreaking words Armin was about to utter with another kiss. If only that moment had lasted a little longer, if only he had held his waist or cupped his cheeks, if only he had kissed a bit harder so he could still taste Armin's imprint on his lips, if only, if only.
"Aw, I let the firefly go. I wonder if the next time you kiss me I can hold onto it."
Armin's words took a moment to sink in. Suddenly, every "if only" became a matter of timing. When he finally worked up the courage to look at Armin again, his back was facing Jean. Was he blushing down to his neck? It was probably sunburn, but if he had caused this reaction, he could've stared at it for the rest of the night. He was too giddy to stay still though.
Jean padded over in front of Armin to see a firefly land in his outstretched palm. Armin observed in awe as the bug stilled in his palm as if it felt safe. Not wanting the bug to change its mind, he placed his other hand over it. He cast a wobbly smile Jean's way. Jean remembered the time he overheard Armin explaining a salt lake to Eren. He thought, if there was a massive salt lake beyond the walls, it would look like Armin's irises. A startling clear blue Jean hadn't found anywhere else. They had shown with such intensity then. A question, an unspoken plea, "could you try again?" His eyes fell shut.
Jean cupped Armin's heated cheeks with care and caution. He wanted Armin to know he could back out at any point. But even though he was trembling, Armin didn't move. He was holding the firefly in front of his heart. Unable to resist, he ran his thumb across Armin's lower lip. It was so malleable underneath him. He moved so close to Armin's mouth he felt their lips brushing and breath mingling. Then, Jean kissed him.
The feeling bloomed throughout his body. Every nerve ending had come alive with each sensation bombarding him. Armin's burning skin on his hands, Armin's nose breathing on his upper lip, Armin's small hums vibrating his skin, Armin's lips that kissed back. He prayed he could do this again. Jean's left hand drifted to Armin's waist while his right stroked gentle circles onto Armin's cheek. He made up for his lack of hands by kissing deeper and deeper into Jean's mouth. The sunset had eased into dusk. A bright goodbye turned into a dim hello.
When they both finally relaxed from the kiss, Armin smiled up at him like always. But this time, Jean knew what he was feeling. Armin had been showing it to him all this time too. The feeling was love. His heart ached with the weight of it. Armin released the firefly, and its brightness blazed against the sky before melting back into the greens and browns of the woods. Jean knew he would have to act like nothing had happened here. He would have to say he got lost looking for Armin or something like that. But, his lips were still tingling from their kiss. They could stay tucked away in their summer haven a little while longer.
After standing still for so long, and the fireflies around them getting used to their presence, the clearing reflected the darkening sky as it began to twinkle. Fireflies bounced around the area as stars peeked in through lilac clouds.
"While it's intriguing to learn about fireflies and their biology, there's also a rich history behind them. They are most commonly associated with love and war. In the very first printed novel, the protagonist throws a bag of fireflies into a woman's bedroom to see her face. I would also say from a recent experience fireflies are quite romantic to be surrounded by." An uncontrollable grin crossed Jean's face that he hid behind his hand. Armin continued on. "Some legends say they are the spirits of those who died in the first official war declared against the titans."
He paused to think for a moment.
"It may be silly, but I feel as if the two fireflies I caught tonight were the spirits of my mom and dad." Armin stared at his hands.
"It's not silly at all." Jean squeezed his shoulder. His hand fell down to Armin's side. He hesitated for a moment before Armin slipped his hand into his.
"Despite the way he looked, my dad would instigate a lot of things. My eyes look just like his. He taught me his worldview which I adopted into my own. My mom did her best to support me with all of the bullying I went through. But, there was always a bit of a rift between my parents and I. Though they tried to bring me up normally, even as a kid, I could tell there was something more they were looking for. I never found out what that was. My grandfather gave me a book that included drawings of the world outside the walls. If my grandfather had such a book, I wonder if my parents shared the same desire as he and I did. Either way, I'm happy I know which parts of me look like my parents or I would've forgotten them long ago."
Jean thought about his mom, and while often overbearing and annoying, she always gave him a place to go back to. Armin had friends, but he didn't have a home.
"Armin, I'm sure my mom would like you." Without realizing the implication behind his words, he watched as Armin flushed. And when it hit him, his face reddened, and he began to sputter. "That's only if you want to, of course! I'm not saying it has to be a big deal either. Just thought it would be nice."
"That does sound nice. Thank you, Jean." His face was still pink. "So, do you think we can make it to dinner?"
Jean winced. Time had gotten away from them. "Urk, it's definitely past dinnertime now. I think we should just walk back. Don't forget your stuff though."
Armin smirked at him. "Oh, like you didn't forget your lantern?" He leaned down to pick up his notebook and pencil while still holding Jean's hand. He handed them to Jean and picked up the lantern.
"Hey!"
"C'mon, let's head back already!" Armin pulled on his hand. He felt the same fondness from earlier. Armin was introducing him to so many new experiences. He could only wish for more to come. In the twilight glow, they strolled through the woods as streaks of flashing fireflies painted the edges of their vision. Their hands were laced together with steady grips. The next time they could be like this was unknown. But when they let go of each other's hands at the edge of the woods, and Armin gazed up at him with another new expression, he knew they would be able to get through this together.
---
Years later, they had managed to take back Shiganshina at the cost of two hundred men. A lot had already changed from their first kiss in the woods, but the retaking of Armin's hometown had changed more than all those years combined. From Armin killing someone for him to his own first kill, those instances felt like nothing compared to Armin's personal sacrifice. Even if it meant not seeing the ocean, he was willing to die so others could live. Jean's own selfish tendencies reared their head as he felt somewhat betrayed by Armin being so ready to die. In that moment where he thought Armin to be dead, he had wished they could've died together. The rational part of himself had completely overridden that train of thought, but it still made Jean's stomach twist. Even though he was an enemy, it wasn't comforting to see Armin come back by eating someone. The implications of Armin gaining titan powers was unsettling too. They hadn't had a chance to talk after that yet.
But, those who were left rode on sandy terrain to see the ocean. The crunching of it under the horses’ feet was unlike any other sound he had heard before. Jean had never experienced such humidity either. His hair was ruffled, and the breeze was salty. He looked back to see Armin tilt his head up to watch some birds flying overhead. He still wore the same mesmerized smile as usual on his face. An odd apprehension crept over him. How many more times would he see that same smile?
Then, they stopped at a grassy cliff. It was hanging over that big salt lake Armin had talked about all this time. So much sacrifice for one view, and yet, he knew it was more than that. The view was something he'd never forget, but the idea of there being more in the world to explore was what made the sea all the more beautiful. He could only stare at it for seconds before glancing at Armin's face. To see the way genuine shock, ecstasy, and relief crossed over his face all at once was worth more to Jean than anything else in the world. He could stand beside Armin while his childhood dream was realized. Armin noticed him staring and smiled with his cute eye crinkles. The others had already gotten off their horses and began hugging each other, but Jean and Armin had to settle on sharing a smile. Love could come after the war.
They make their way down to the sparkling clear blue. He messed around with Sasha and Connie for a bit before padding up to Armin holding some sort of object from the sea.
"What is that?" It was pretty and seemed harmless.
"I don't know, but it makes a wonderful whooshing sound against your ear. Go on, try it!" Armin handed it over to him. It sounded like the water they were hearing right then. He tried to give it back to Armin, but he pushed it back at Jean.
"Keep it safe for me, alright?" Jean nodded.
The sunlight had almost died out. He and Armin were walking through the shallow parts of the water before they came across a small cluster of bright lights. They seemed to have washed up from the ocean. Their glow was so brilliant for something so small. Almost as if they were...
"Fireflies." Armin had startled him out of his musings. "These must be the sea version of fireflies." He spoke with such astonishment. Clearly, there was more beauty in the world than what could be captured in books.
They stepped over the group to get a better look from the sand. After they observed for a few minutes, Armin, with his keen sense of spatial awareness, noticed Levi behind them. He nudged Jean to turn around with him.
Armin wove his fingers into Jean's. He couldn't help but turn to Armin for being so bold around the captain. Levi was staring at the sea fireflies before Armin spoke up.
"Um, I couldn't help but notice you staring at the sea fireflies, sir. If you don't mind, could I give you a bit of history on fireflies?" Levi didn't respond either way, which Armin took as a yes, but his eyes briefly darted down to see them holding hands. Whatever Armin's game plan was, he felt embarrassed being so open with a superior.
He began explaining the same spiel he had told Jean years before. "Fireflies symbolize love and war. They are said to be the souls that have passed on during war." Jean and Levi both caught onto what Armin was implying. A part of him wanted to stop Armin, but the way he hadn't stopped Armin himself said Levi needed to hear whatever he was about to say next.
"While it seems only a few can wash up here, there are likely thousands more out in the vast depths of the sea. Are they any less important or gorgeous out of view? I don't think so." He pointed at one beaming with a particularly vivid light. "This one glares as intensely as the sun." Levi's eyes widened as he viewed a small firefly glowing blue. Overwhelmed, he managed a nod before walking off. Away from the prying ears of children, he muttered, "The moon looks beautiful tonight, huh, Erwin..."
"Should you have said all of that, Armin? Captain looks like he's about to cry as he glares at the sun." Armin rubbed his thumb along Jean's. "I think he needed to feel validated tonight. It was a hard day for all of us."
"Look at you, being so considerate." He meant the jab to be laidback, but Armin picked up on the hurt underneath it. "I'm here now, Jean. That's the best we could've hoped for."
Jean cast his gaze down to where Armin was clinging onto him. He had seen that arm burnt beyond recognition hours earlier. The trauma behind Armin killing someone for him was still hard to get out of his mind. He wanted to scream at Armin for forfeiting his life, because surely, there must've been some other way. But he knew. And he could never hate Armin for anything.
They turned back to the sea. Eren was alone in knee deep water. Mikasa started talking and laughing with Sasha and Connie. Hanji ran over to show Levi a weird sea creature they had extracted from the ocean floor. As the burning sun dipped into the sea, Jean and Armin stood hand in hand as the water lapped at their feet.
"We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven, which brings us back to the hero's shoulders and the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it." - Richard Siken, "Snow and Dirty Rain"