Work Text:
The office feels cozy but you’re way too suspicious to relax. You’ve been playing this role all your life. You can’t just slip her off.
You’re not used to someone outside of Maggie and your little makeshift family seeing you vulnerable. And certainly not willingly. You actually have no idea how this is going to go. You put on your agent face and stare at the woman across from you.
She stares back.
And here you thought therapy was gonna be easy.
-
You didn’t say a word to Maggie after your first session. She didn’t ask. She’s perfect like that. You close your eyes and listen to her breathing. You think you’re gonna try a little bit harder next time.
-
You tell your therapist that you’ve got a little family that you’re trying to get better for. That you’ve got a girlfriend you don’t think you deserve but you wanna try to get as close as possible. You tell her that you’re afraid you’re too broken to be fixed.
She asks if you think love is earned.
You don’t know how to explain that your mother balanced praise and fists in the same hand, left bruises in the shape of hearts, and scorched your father’s name like a brand into your skin. You don’t know how to say all that so you just shrug. She sees through it. She’s good like that.
-
You get a call from Eliza. You don’t answer it. You’re on edge for two whole days. You block her number. You feel a small sense of satisfaction. You tell your therapist and she asks how that makes you feel (you roll your eyes at such a cliche question). You realize you’re proud of yourself. It’s new.
-
Maggie takes you out for ice cream after two months of therapy to celebrate. You end up tasting hers more than your own but she doesn’t mind. Smiles come a little easier now, and a hell of a lot more genuine. You saw a middle-aged blonde woman in the coffee shop this morning and it didn’t make you cringe.
Small steps, you think. You and Maggie fall into bed and as you relaxed into her arms you thought that maybe there’s hope for you yet.
-
You want to get better for yourself.
You realize it’s not about being enough to deserve Maggie, but about accepting that you deserved better. As a kid, and now. Your therapist tells you that you were definitely abused and there’s no denying it. You wait till Maggie’s in the shower and stare at your reflection in the mirror repeating it over and over.
You stare so long that nothing feels real anymore. Maggie’s hands guide you to the kitchen and hands you a cup of tea.
You still get bad days sometimes.
-
You get good days too.
You and Maggie are still the undefeated champions of charades and you know it’s just because Lena hasn’t seen as many movies. You offer a movie night and they all turn to you with such bright smiles you could physically feel the warmth of their love. It’s hard being the centre of their attention like that but it’s better than the alternative. They’ve already seen you at your worst.
You tell yourself that you deserve it, their love.
You hear your therapist’s words ringing in the back of your mind. Is love something you can earn?
-
You take Lena out to dinner. And by dinner you mean you barged into her office late at night and dragged her to a small 24hr restaurant and forced her to eat a decent meal. She slumped into her chair, resigned. She knew exactly what was coming next.
Since you were forced into therapy to get help (you weren’t actually reluctant but you do have a reputation to uphold) you decided to pass on the favour. You tell her that you recognized something in her eyes that night, something she knew she kept hidden her whole life.
She tells you that she already has a therapist.
You ask her if she wants a friend.
-
It’s sister night. Kara still hasn’t let go of the guilt. You tell her that children aren’t responsible for any of their parent’s actions. That’s something you had to learn too. Your therapist had a field day with that one.
She tells you that she’s working on letting go of the guilt for not stopping the abuse (she has a guilt complex the size of the sun, superpowers only make them worse) but she feels guilt for loving Eliza all those years while you were terrified of her.
You told her that you loved her too. That she’s still your mom and nothing’s ever gonna change that. She just doesn’t have a place in your life anymore. You tell her that’s what makes abusers so powerful. They’re not bad all the time, otherwise, we would leave and never look back, you whisper.
She listens.
She drops her head onto your shoulder and you know that you’ve still got some more healing to get done but nothing could ever break the bond you have with your little sister.
-
You make Maggie breakfast in bed. The smile on her face is worth it all. You know she loves you but deep down you can’t help but feel like a burden. You’re working on it though. Your therapist says you’re making progress. You open up to Maggie about the sessions now. It doesn’t fill you with grief and embarrassment anymore. Instead, you feel a sense of pride. You’re rebuilding what Eliza broke.
Because maybe you’re worth it.
-
You are worth it.
You realize your love for Maggie is unconditional. Nothing she could ever do would make it lessen. And as you think about it, nothing she could do would make it increase either.
You already love her with all of your being and sure maybe some things she does makes you fall a little bit harder, like when she brings home a wildflower she saw on the side of the street on her way home and sticks it in your hair with a kiss on your cheek.
But nothing she does ever really makes her deserve more love.
Love can’t really be earned can it? It's just given freely, over and over, without question, without being asked, without conditions.
It hits you that maybe you need to give Maggie more credit. After all, how can you doubt the love she has for you? You don’t deserve her love after all. Because you never had to in the first place. Love isn’t earned. You know that now. And so maybe the love you give yourself can flow more freely.
-
Your therapist asks you to write down three facts that you’ve learnt over the course of therapy so far. Your hand doesn’t shake as much anymore. You’re a little more steady. You believe them now.
“You did not deserve the abuse.” Your mind flashes back to the years of believing that everything Eliza said was right
“You have a family that loves you.” You look around the room in an attempt to ground yourself to the present. Your eyes fall on the sleeping pair across from you, a tangle of limbs, of blonde and brunette hair. The hand in your hair stills as you look at the owner and offer a tiny peck on the lips.
“You love yourself.” You know you’re flawed, you know you’ve got broken pieces that work a little differently than how they’re supposed to. But you’re not measured by those things. You are worthy of every river of love that comes your way. You know that now.