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Neyo didn’t examine his emotions, he wasn’t big on introspection, nor did he care for how it would affect him.
But after…
After Adi…
He only knew it in fragments, little emotions that would bleed out of him. Slowly oozing out of him when he couldn’t cover up all of his wounds.
When he couldn’t cover up when someone came too close and touched him too roughly, and Neyo would flinch or simply freeze. Ready for submission. Ready for a hand to cup the back of his neck and force him down-
That was when the feelings would drip out like blood, and sometimes it brought blood, all over the floor.
And then Fox returned to Neyo’s life, and there was someone who knew him so he saw the wound before he could show him. And Fox tried to caress, gently, softly, teach Neyo to feel and not be afraid.
That led to the nights after Fox had left, Neyo sinking to his couch and pulling out a tall dark bottle, tipping it up and letting the liquid burn his throat until Neyo couldn’t remember anymore.
And in the haze, the anguish poured out, and Neyo knew the words, briefly.
Distant.
Gone.
Incapable.
Loveless.
Far away.
And Neyo knew what he was feeling, in those blurry, long-forgotten nights.
It was in the times that Fox snuggled close, tucking his head under Neyo’s chin as they embraced. In the times one of the shinies threw their arms around his waist wanting some form of comfort. And in the times that Fox would come running to the 91st medbay, eyes wild with worry, and tongue sharp with anxiousness.
The emptiness, the distance… and one fact played on repeat in his mind. Unlike all the other facts he knew, it wasn’t sown there by another. It was his own thought, his own truth. And that made it even more frightening.
Neyo couldn’t love. Couldn’t care. Neyo was incapable of feeling and Fox didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve the- the fakeness. Neyo’s only true attempt at trying to feel and show.
Fox deserved someone who would laugh with him, smile, and fawn over him just as much as Fox fawned over Neyo.
[Once Fox had told him that he literally dreams of Neyo. Then Fox smiled, blushing slightly, and had told him that it was his favourite way to wake up. Neyo didn’t know if his heart lept, or bled.]
Fox deserved the world, the stars, the galaxy, and someone who knew that. Who had the time to be there all the times that Neyo could never be.
Neyo knew the truth.
Neyo couldn’t be what Fox deserved him to be.
[Perhaps one day, Neyo broke Fox’s heart when he told him so. Perhaps Fox told Neyo that he loved him, and would always love him. And perhaps Neyo slipped away, deciding that love wasn’t worth it, and remembering that it never was.]