Work Text:
And I'm just trying to walk with you
between the raindrops
- Raindrops + Sunshowers by Smashing Pumpkins
Raya has always loved the rain. As much as it was rather an inconvenience during her time alone when she struggled to find shelter, or when a mere tree wasn’t enough to protect her and Tuktuk from getting soaked to the bone, or mainly she couldn’t afford getting sick due to her lack of medical supplies. All that hasn’t stopped her though. Something about seeing mother nature pour down is a sense of peace like no other.
Hence, why she practically runs out of the room once the council meeting ended. She’s painfully aware how unethical she’s being, barely acknowledging any of the delegations, a quick kiss on the cheek of her Ba she hopes is enough to convey that she’ll be okay. She just had to get out of the stuffy meeting hall. Her heart is pounding in her ears, her breaths coming in short and piercing, she knows it isn’t cause she’s sprinting her way to the only place that she seems to find solace nowadays. She ignores the call outs of some guards about the heavy downpour, their warnings futile as she strides purposely away from everything and everyone, knowing fully well that no one else will dare to step into the rain.
Namaari finds her in the former dragon gem temple after the meeting. She has watched the princess for the duration of the gathering and saw the disturbed look into her eyes, expression too tight and her grimace almost looking painful. She didn’t have time to approach her when she saw the woman fly out of the room. She already knew where she had gone even before she has asked the Chief of Heart or the guards by the exit where they had seen their princess run off too. A few months of interacting and trying to rekindle what they have, she has come to learn a lot of things about Raya, those that don’t meet the eye.
Raya is settled on the floor, lying down in the middle where the roof opened to the usual welcoming sunlight, but in this case the downpour of raindrops trickling from the skies. The Heart princess’ attire is completely soaked but she has a small smile on her face that looked too serene to disturb.
“Do you like rain?” Namaari asks as quietly as she can manage, a greeting seemed unnecessary.
There’s something about the pitter patter of the drops that seems to surround the atmosphere with the need to not be startled. The way the flowers glow around the temple exuding warmth accompanied by the chill breeze, the light is dimmed to match the somber mood but its gleam still a stark contrast to the gloomy skies. It’s beyond comforting, she somehow finds.
Raya just manages a tiny nod, one she would have missed if she isn’t so hypnotized by her lounging figure, “Why?” she curiously inquires.
Not that she doesn’t understand the appeal for rain. In Fang, it barely pours, only enough for nature to do its job in watering their greenery, but even then most of their crops are meant to grow in hot and humid weather. She’s curious because there’s something etched deeply in the princess of Heart’s expression that captures her.
“Because it reminds me that it’s okay to be upset sometimes. Even the world cries but every drop provides growth”
Something in the Fang warrior’s stomach twists uncomfortably, her heart clenching in a familiar way but she can’t decide whether it’s good or bad. She swallows the sudden lump in her throat, surprised by the wise and somewhat accurate analogy the princess has provided, “Are you really okay?”
“No” she solemnly answers, “I feel like there are a ton Tuktuks falling on my shoulders and it’s…” Namaari watches the way the princess’ chest rises as she takes a shaky breath, her eyes closed, lips pursed as she exhales through her nose.
“It’s a shock how I feel like it was easier during the six years I was alone,” She pauses letting the revelation hang in the air for a moment, her admission joining the grey clouds as it cascades down on her with the rain, “There was no pressure on being a princess. There was no disappointing anyone but me, and well, maybe Tuktuk himself.” The slight attempt at humor at the end is weak but it oddly holds some truth that Namaari does think the princess was afraid of disappointing her trusted mount. She almost smiles at that, but a frown forms on her delicate lips.
“I get reminded that I’ve missed so much. That I will never be like my Ba. I’ll never be the princess they expect me to be… that I’ll never be like you. “ The last part is murmured that the Fang princess has to strain herself to hear. Confusion and surprise elicits from the statement, she wants to argue back, her head shaking at her words, but she bites her tongue. She knows the princess isn’t done.
“I’ll never be able to fill the gap that I lost for so many years-” She lifts an arm up, palms open as she tries to catch the raindrops in her hands, only for it to slip away.
Another breath, “-because the elders are right. I’m far too inexperienced. And my own dead weight I’ve been trying to carry is slowly digging my own grave. That everywhere I look I can’t help this anger and envy bubble from inside me that I’ll never be good enough. Even if I helped save the world, anything I do seems like it's never enough. I’ve barely started but I’m already so, so tired”
Namaari doesn’t miss the way her voice cracks, broken and battered from the years built up ever since the Druuns plagued Kumandra. How she was forced to grow mature, harden her heart, physically and mentally go through everything alone. The guilt and anguish that resurfaces overwhelms her mind and soul.
She feels like she’s suffocating, each swallow feeling like glass shards falling down her windpipe while the past’s grip around her neck tightens. She wants to scream, apologize for all those years, she wants Raya to blame her, curse her and punish her until she bleeds, but she pushes it down with all the force she is capable of because this isn’t about her right now. She may be the source but Toi, she is going to do everything in her power to fix it.
“I just want it to end”
The finality in the princess’ tone sends a ghostly chill in her spine. She sucks in a sharp breath, holding it as she studies the woman laid on the floor. An unfamiliar, defeated look crosses her features. The way her eyes shut like it would be the last blink she ever gave the world.
And that thought terrified her.
“You…” Namaari starts, her voice almost betraying her for a second, coming out as frail and unsteady. She tries again, exhaling her fears away, the sound snapping Raya’s eyes back open, head twisting to the side where the warrior stood and meeting her strong gaze. She finds courage in the honey brown eyes.
With a resolute voice this time, “You are more than you think are”
She moves from her position, walking towards to the open rain where the princess lay. She inches herself down, trying not to cringe as the wet stone meets her stark white formal attire. Her mother will have a field day about this, but she ignores that thought and spares the outfit for a chance to lie down beside the other woman. She feels the rain slowly fall on each and every dry area to their desire, she closes her eyes relishing the coolness of each drop.
Raya shuffles, Namaari is completely aware of the stare on the side of her face as the princess studies her expression. She doesn’t utter a word thankfully as the warrior tries to formulate words in her head. Silence lapses around them as she brushes her arm slightly closer to the other woman’s, blindly searching for her hand to hold. As if sensing her action, the Heart princess boldly clasps their hands together. She finds her words as their bodies connect.
“You have your Ba’s kindness and his unwavering strength and love for his people. You have the determination and confidence of a Fang warrior, the slyness and intelligence of a Talon resident, the survival skills of a Tail traveler and the fortitude of a Spine warhead,” Her words spills out, albeit more formal than intended but with all honestly she can express. She clears her throat to rid of any hesitance,
“Most importantly, you have what other people cannot have. Your own heart. So don’t even dare compare yourself to me, who was nothing but a traitorous binturi who ruined the world because you are more than that and will be strong enough to push through whatever Kumandra’s expectations are laid upon your shoulders.” She really doesn’t mean to add the self-deprecating comment, but it slips out and she curses her mind a bit for the traitorous betrayal. She swears she's trying to get better.
She inhales carefully, finally opening her eyes to meet the princess’ unwavering gaze, “And if you let me, I’ll help share the weight with you, dep la”
Raya stares at her openly, brows deeply furrowed as the warrior’s words loop inside her head, flowing through her veins and straight to her beating heart. Tears fall from her eyes disguised as raindrops, but the glaze in her orbs give her away. Her trapped lip in between teeth quivers involuntarily, eyes twinkling with gratitude and profound affection. Namaari feels a tug in her chest, so she leans forward pressing a delicate kiss on the other woman’s forehead.
No more words are exchanged after. They remain unmoving, besides reassuring brushes of thumbs on their interlocked hands, or the way their heads lean towards each other. The warrior doesn’t know how long they’ve been quiet till Raya softly speaks up.
“Namaari?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t sell yourself short. Your mistakes don’t define you,” Namaari raises a brow, tilting her head a bit to look at the princess, “You’re more courageous and caring than any binturi I know. Your own heart is always at the right place.”
If it were anyone else, the Fang princess knows she would have scoffed at the incredibly sappy comment about her and deny it with every bit of her being. But the way Raya grips her hand tightly, making sure she knows that every word she meant is true, renders her speechless. Her own heart lurching and holding on to those words for safe keeping, the firm expression on the Heart princess’ face holds no room for argument. She lets a small smile grace her lips. She squeezes the other woman’s hand twice, thank you.
The rain doesn’t stop, no. But Namaari finds beauty being part of it.
Even if her clothes steeped with rain rubbing against her skin is uncomfortable, or the way her outfit clung to each water droplet leaving a hefty weight to carry around later, entirely drenched. Or simply the fact that it can leave you sickly in bed that might cost her a day or two of important princess duties. For once, she doesn’t seem to mind. Not with the way the raindrops leave trails of forgiveness, and planting promises of a better day, maybe not tomorrow or the next but one day is enough for her. The reassurance of Raya by her side is hopeful. Come rain or shine, they’ll be okay.