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Kaeya wasn't afraid of death.
He was used to loss. Many people he had known had come and gone, vanishing from his life like pebbles carried away by the sea. His father, who had abandoned him, then Crepus, then countless other warriors… If anything, he was more surprised when they stayed.
As a Knight, he had to be prepared to fight with his life on the line on a daily basis. He had been trained for it, forged with fire like a sharp weapon. And he was obviously aware that someday his moment would come, that he too would be swallowed by the tides of the ocean and be swept away from his friends' existences.
Dying wasn't the problem - that's why he didn't flinch when they came for him, ready to slay him. What terrified him is what would be left after that. What scar would his passing leave on his mates, what memories of him would stay and what would be lost? Could Diluc, Jean, and the others carry on without him?
Fighting the Abyss Order was always a hard task. One never knew whether they'd make it or not, what sort of hidden power they had in store, and what tricks they had up their sleeve. But he had a couple of secrets as well, and he thought he could be a match for them.
They attacked fiercely, with a deep hatred. Kaeya knew why they harbored so much scorn towards him. He was the Traitor, after all. Abandoned as a child only to infiltrate enemy lines, joining the army of Mondstadt as a regular citizen and gathering as much information as possible before turning his back on them. Such a detailed, forward-thinking plan that had begun with his birth and would end with his ultimate betrayal.
He had played his part, once. Behind his refusal to save Crepus, his failure to soothe Diluc's pain after the death of his father, hid his loyalty to Khaenri'ah and to that ancient plot. And although at that moment he considered it to be the best course of action, there was nothing he regretted more than not following his own will, than not saving the man who had raised him, than not staying by Diluc's side.
He wouldn't make the same mistake again. He had always struggled to pick a side, believing he would find it hard to choose who to stick with when a war would break out. But as he watched the enemies enter the cathedral, their weapons out and murder in their eyes, he understood that his heart had chosen long before.
He fought back with honor. Mages, Heralds, Lectors, it didn't matter to him. Kaeya was an expert swordsman, and his Vision granted him an advantage against most of his foes. He swung his blade back and forth, knocking out enemy after enemy, confidence shining in his eye. Diluc might have been the one doing most of the work in dismantling the influence of the Abyss, but he lacked his knowledge about their powers and schemes.
But despite all his skill and tactics, he was still human.
The assault was simply too fierce for him to withstand. He understood a moment too late that he wasn't going to make it. As the sword pierced through his hip and a trickle of blood climbed up to his mouth, the realization hit him.
He fell on his back, his body suddenly heavy. His hand instinctively rushed to the wound, trying to stop the blood from flowing out, to no avail. The injury was too deep, too serious to hope for salvation. His head was clear from doubts: he didn't have much longer.
Gathering the last shred of strength in his limbs, Kaeya crawled to one of the windows of the cathedral, the stained glass filtering the colors of the light and painting everything in the cold hues of the night. He wished he could see the moon outside, but he couldn't complain. Out of all places, that looked like a nice one to welcome his lifeless body. He had fought for his ideals and deserved to enjoy a good view in his final moments. Shame not to have a glass of wine to accompany his last unsteady breaths.
He only had one regret burning inside his heart. Not reconciling with Diluc, continuously pushing aside the problem as if it didn't matter enough to be solved. After all, whether in peace or at war, whether sharing a drink or arguing relentlessly, they would always have each other's back. That certainty had lulled him throughout the years, allowing him to cope with their troubled past. But now, he wished he'd have taken that step, closed the gap, and apologized.
Things would have been so different. They could have rebuilt all their bridges, fought side by side through adversity, worked together to defeat the Abyss Order. And, perhaps, they would even have died together, like loyal comrades falling on the battlefield as heroes.
But that was merely a fantasy. The cruel truth was that Kaeya was about to die alone, and everything else was but void suppositions. Meaningless, and not much comforting. At least, he hoped his final message would be delivered along with his feelings.
His entire body felt unbearably heavy. He wasn't scared, just cold. As he closed his eyes, the final breath abandoning his lungs, Kaeya smiled. And from the portal of the cathedral, he swore he saw a glimpse of familiar red hair.
If there was something Diluc took great pride in, that was his alertness. Once he had established his mission, to defeat the Abyss Order and protect his homeland at all costs, he had always carried out the finest research to anticipate their every move, to counter them, and crush them to shreds.
For some reason, that day he had been caught unprepared. He didn't notice the city was under attack until a fire broke out at the back of the cathedral, and citizens had been alarmed. Shards of broken glass were scattered outside the windows, proof of an intense fight. Nuns and guards lay unconscious among the bushes, peacefully set asleep, perhaps by some mysterious spell. The first rescuers and knights gathered around them, making sure of their safety.
Before Diluc could question what had happened and how he could have missed it completely, an awful feeling struck his gut. For an inexplicable reason, memories of his moments with Kaeya flashed through his head. It never happened before - reliving so many scenes at the same time, out of the blue. He could pinpoint exactly the sole other occasion anything of this caliber had occurred: the day his father had died.
Heart drumming inside his chest, he rushed through the main door of the cathedral, weapon in hand, almost breaking into the building by sheer force.
Something cold and moist poked at his cheeks. Diluc glanced upwards, and what he saw snatched his breath away. Pure white snowflakes were falling inside the church, fluttering and dancing in the air before gently dropping to the floor, melting. The light of the moon filtering through the stained glass turned the place into an otherworldly sight, blue and red petals of snow filling the nave like a magical dance of fairies.
And that was when he saw him.
His back resting against that wide window, Kaeya lay motionless in a pool of blood , surrounded by icicles. A thick layer of frost covered the glass where he sat, under the alert watch of the birds drawn above them.
Diluc's claymore dropped out of his hands, as he ran to his side. He knelt before him, thoroughly checking for any life sign, be it his pulse, or a faint breath escaping his lips, a feeble trace of heat… There was nothing.
Impossible. Kaeya couldn't be dead, could he? No, not that Kaeya. The man he had grown up with, who teased him daily at the tavern, who concealed his darkest thoughts behind a polite smile, who made him feel the warmth of a family he thought he had no right to own anymore. And, of course, the one he had never reconciled with. Could someone like him actually be gone?
He didn't imagine such a moment would come. With his eagerness to face powerful enemies, Diluc had always been sure he would die first. Sometimes he pictured what his funeral would be like, who would be weeping and who would be whispering " I barely knew him " in a respectful whisper. The awareness he didn't have much to live for, that any day he might get slain by an Abyss assault, pushed him to act and talk to others as if that was the very last time they held a conversation.
Except for Kaeya. Honestly, Kaeya… He harbored too many regrets and remorses to face him. He fled, taking indirect paths, showing he cared through his facetious actions and not a word of comfort. But now, he wished he had found the courage he lacked, to confront him and clear up all misunderstandings, to start anew. They could have done it; they were always so close, only the distance of a stretched-out hand between them. Yet, no one ever grabbed the other. And now it was too late.
Tears fell down his cheeks, hurtful and cold, as he held Kaeya's body tightly in one final hug. They should have done this before, when he was alive. So much pride, and for what? He was unprepared to say goodbye to the last remains of his family. He wasn't ready to be completely alone in the world.
Still, even in such a tragedy, he couldn't forget his mission. Grief could be handled later, he could be swallowed whole by self-hatred for all the upcoming nights, but the safety of the city had to be reinforced as soon as possible.
Seeking clues, Diluc painfully gulped down his sorrow and examined the wound. It was a deep, gory cut inflicted with a heavy weapon. Some kind of dark energy pulsated from it, an unmistakable sign of the Abyss's passage.
The cold began nibbling at his fingertips, numbing his senses. He rummaged through the fabric of Kaeya's jacket and stopped only when the rustling of some paper caught his attention. Carefully, he pulled a worn-out letter out of the inner pocket, his hands trembling.
Who could it be for? A threat from the enemy perhaps? No, they wouldn't have left it in a hidden spot, but rather pinned it in full sight. A message for a lover? He doubted he truly loved anyone, for that matter. As soon as he unfolded it, the truth stabbed him in the chest. It was for him .
Despite the tears clouding up his vision and the blood splotches rendering some lines unreadable, Diluc tried his hardest to figure out the words on the sheet.
"Hello there, Master Diluc" . A glance at his lifeless face was enough to imagine exactly what tone his voice would have upon saying that, the ever-present cocky smirk curving his lips as he'd speak. "If you're reading this, well… I suppose things didn't go well for me. I knew this would happen someday, and I hope you're the one who found this letter and not some random passerby - now, that would be embarrassing" .
Even in the shape of ink on paper, Kaeya felt so familiar. Reading was enough to feel his presence right beside him, as if he had never left. "When I was younger, I couldn't imagine picking a side. I figured I'd always be stuck in a limbo, unable to choose between my Khaenri'ahn roots and my affection towards you and Mondstadt. But the more I grew up, the clearer my mind was. There's no picking, I always knew where I belonged" .
The handwriting was smudged here and there, partially covered in red stains. Diluc wiped his tears, still unable to stop them from flowing out, as they washed away his pent-up rage and pain.
"I made a mistake in the past that I swore I wouldn't repeat as long as my lungs would lust for air" . Images from Crepus' death came back to Diluc's senses, flashes from their duel, Kaeya's Vision suddenly awakening in the middle of the fight as he readied up to die under his blows. That seemed so close, yet far, like a distant dream. There was no trace of the turquoise glow he saw that day, the gem now gray and lifeless, like a withered flower. "I was prepared to die. I probably haven't said it yet, so let me set my pride aside for a moment and tell you: I'm sorry. I have failed you as a friend, as a brother, as a Knight" .
Diluc had to take a break, suddenly angry. It was a dull, pointless rage - what good can it do to hold grudges against a dead man? Still, he couldn't help but fume. Kaeya had this intolerable tendency to dwell in the past, to not consider that people around him moved on while he stood there, caught inside his loop of guilt and happy memories.
Why didn't he confess all of this to him before? If he had found the strength to admit his mistakes, to atone for them, why didn't he close the gap?
"Please forgive me for all the wasted years. I hope my stance in this war counts as a sign of what I've been fighting for" .
Diluc knew the reason. It was his fault as well. If only he had been less proud, if only he had acknowledged Kaeya's sincere regret and told him what he truly felt. They were two idiots, that was the truth. How long ago did Kaeya write that letter, knowing he'd die before they reached mutual forgiveness? How long had he been carrying that burden in his chest?
"One last thing. You sure know, don't you? Visions let out a final burst of power before they die. I hope you made it in time to witness the absolute wonder that will be mine. Perhaps I might even make a miracle happen, and let it snow inside a building…" .
Diluc took a look around, a bitter smile on his lips. Yes, he did. Truly wonderful magic, worthy of the flashy man he was. Snowflakes were slowly beginning to fade, even the Vision exhausted from the extreme outburst. Soon, there was going to be nothing but emptiness and silence.
"I wish I could see it too" , the letter ended, "Sipping a glass of good wine while I make fun of dear old Master Diluc. I beg you, don't cry for me."
How could he ask him not to? He never felt so lost before. All the bridges he had burnt, he had done so because he knew, someday, they would fight to the end side by side. Or, maybe, they'd make up way before that. Closure, peace, truce were a constant in his fantasies about the future. And it was all swept away by sudden death. How could Kaeya leave him? How dare he vanish from the world before him, stripping him of his last stable point in his life?
It hurt. Terribly more than losing his father. It was much heavier. How was he going to carry that burden?
Diluc let go of the letter, crumpling it in his palm. For the first time in his life, the lone hero of Mondstadt desperately needed a guiding light.
The last snowflake fell on the marble floor. And that was the end of Kaeya Alberich.