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Tamaki is standing outside of Mirio's door, and he's terrified.
Like, he's actually shaking, and sweating, and fisting his hands to prevent actually pacing, but he thinks it's just causing his nails to dig into his palms so hard he bleeds.
But it's been ages, and he really feels like he needs to get this done so he can move on, but there's no way it'll get him anywhere, but he's frankly tired of Nejire's peer-pressuring. Which he guesses means her peer-pressuring worked, but.
But.
But is all he can think, really, because but what if.
But what if Mirio, his childhood best friend, his sun, the literal light of his life, the man who made him who he is, his very best friend, the man he's in love with, Lemillion—he's dragging on—leaves him after he confesses? Worse, what if he hates him and insults him? What if he kills him? He wouldn't go that far, but...
But.
He should just do it. If someone catches him like this, it'd be really uncomfortable. He should just-
"Oh hey, Tamaki," Mirio says with all his usual cheer.
Wait, Mirio-
Tamaki jumps and flushes and hides his face in his hands. "Oh- I- hi, I was just- just about... to knock... can- can I come in?" he mumbles quickly, hating himself every second.
"Of course!" Mirio opens his door for them and leads Tamaki in. They both beeline for the bed because it's habit. "Did you want to talk about something?" Mirio asks when he sits, and the rest of the question goes unasked—or did you just need my company?
"Um, yes, actually, I-"
He's really gonna do this. He's telling Mirio he likes him.
Blood rushes to his cheeks and tears well up in his eyes. There's immediately a hand at his back and another in his hair, a body against his front, and suddenly Mirio's hugging him.
It's so loving.
He runs cold, because just one sentence could ruin this, and what kind of person would he be to do such a thing to not only himself, but Mirio? Because Mirio is good, and he would care and feel terrible for hating Tamaki but he would, and Tamaki couldn't blame him, because who wouldn't?
The Nejire in his head scolds him.
He cries into Mirio's chest, big shaking sobs that knock the wind out of him and do nothing to relieve the knot in his throat.
"Talk to me when you're ready, Tamaki," Mirio says, "no matter when that is, okay? I've got you."
Tamaki's heart breaks.
He really needs to get through this.
"N-now, I-" he chokes on a sob. "Nnnow is g-g-good, I-I- I just- j-ju-just need a min-nute."
"Okay." Mirio cards his hand through his hair and pets his back—because he knows that calms him down, because he knows him better than anyone except Nejire, who knows his biggest secret.
He likes him.
But he'll know soon enough.
Tamaki heaves a sob and clings to Mirio's hoodie. It's his favorite. Mirio lets him wear it when he's anxious but okay enough to accept it. Right now, Tamaki feels like he could die. His heart is pounding like he's dangling off a cliff and only holding on by a thread and his ribs and throat hurt from sobbing and gasping and his head hurts from crying and what if he dehydrates or has a heartattack and Mirio hates him too much to take care of him and he dies here and no one cares and no one loves him and mirio doesnt love him and hesgonnadiealonehealwaysknewhewoulddiealonebecausehesnotworthlovehestoomuchofahassleand-
Breathe.
"Breathe."
It comes from Mirio.
"Like this."
A hand grabs his, puts it on Mirio's chest. Under his palm, he feels the wide rise and the deep fall, like a slumbering lion.
He's confused.
"Breathe in."
It rises. He's slow to match and coughs halfway.
"Out."
It falls. He breathes the little air he has left out.
It rises. He matches for the most part. Tears gush out of his eyes.
It falls. He breathes out a long breath.
It rises.
It falls.
It rises.
It falls.
It rises.
"You're doing so good, Tama'."
Tamaki sobs.
"Don't lose me, now, breathe in with me."
Tamaki has to hold back his crying, but he matches Mirio's breathing again.
"There you go, you've got it. Tell me where you are."
Tamaki sniffs and more tears squeeze out of his eyes. "Your room."
"What's my name?"
"Mirio Toogata."
"What color are the walls?"
Tamaki looks up and wipes his eyes to look at the walls. His lip is quivering. He focuses on a picture of them instead of the walls and weeps. "Th-this doesn't help, M-Mi..."
He can't say his name.
"It usually does?"
Tamaki nods his head. "N-not... not now." He looks away and slides his hand off Mirio's chest.
"What... changed? Did something change?"
Tamaki's heart pounds. He hides his face in his hands and nods.
"Do you want to tell me?"
Tamaki hesitates, but he nods.
"Why... did you hesitate?"
Tamaki starts crying again.
"I-I like you."
A pause.
His heartrate spikes.
"Is it bad? Is it about me?"
Through his tears, Tamaki is confused. "Wh-what?"
Mirio looks confused, too. "You hesitated on whether or not you wanted to tell me because you like me right? So whatever it is, you're worried it will hurt my feelings? Or me? Will you get hurt if you tell me? I don't want you to get hu-"
"M-Mirio," Tamaki says slowly.
He swallows.
He's lightheaded.
Mirio's listening.
He swallows again. "Th-that... that was it."
Mirio just looks more confused. "Please explain," he says like he feels bad.
Tamaki hides his face in his hands. "I like you. That was it. That was... what I wanted to tell you."
Mirio pauses. "We're... friends?"
Tamaki's face wobbles and his heart shatters. More tears leak from his eyes. "I know! That's why I didn't wanna tell you, because I knew it'd ruin everything!" he wails. "I- I'm so sorry, I just wanted to get it off my chest, but-"
He's moving to get up and leave, but Mirio catches him by the wrist halfway off the bed. He whips around to look at him, horrified that maybe he finally realized how terrible Tamaki was and was going to hurt him.
"M-Mirio please- I'll leave, I'm s-"
"I'm sorry," Mirio finishes for him.
"Wh... what?"
Mirio grabs his hand with both hands and moves forward. "I thought... I thought you were just saying you liked me like... like how you like weighted blankets or... or hot showers, I wasn't..." He shakes his head like he's clearing it and looks up at Tamaki on his knees like he's begging. "Please don't go. Please sit. Please."
Tamaki's knees go weak and he collapses onto the bed next to Mirio, who immediately pulls him into a warm hug.
"Mirio?"
"I didn't think- I didn't think you could like me like that."
Tamaki startles. "What? Why?"
Mirio shakes his head. "I don't know, I just never thought it was possible that you would like me back."
Tamaki's heart stops. "Back?"
Mirio nods. "I'm kind of in love with you, Tamaki."
Tamaki pushes him away just to look him in the eyes. "Please don't joke about this, please, Mirio, if you don't feel the sa-"
"What do I have to do to prove it?" Tears burn in Tamaki's eyes.
"I- I-" His hands are shaking as he reaches up and braces his hands by the back of Mirio's neck. "I... I..."
"Can I kiss you? Would that- would that help? Because I really want to."
Tamaki's entire body feels like he's in an oven and can't get out. He's burning up and his heart is pounding and he's shaking and-
"Hey, please look at me, Tama'." Two hands come up to his cheeks and brush away his tears. He uses the sleeve of one hand to attempt to wipe away Tamaki's snot—he recoils in disgusted protest at that, but the notion gives him butterflies all the same.Mirio has an expression full of genuine love on his face that isn't unfamiliar, only unknown (until now). He gives Tamaki one of his many award-winning smiles. "We can go as slow or as fast as we both want, okay? This is ours."
Tamaki nods.
"If you don't want me to-"
"No- no, I do-"
"You don't have to just for m-"
"Mirio-"
"I'm happy to go slo-"
"Mirio, kiss me."
"Okay."
Mirio cups his cheeks and gently tugs him into a soft, slow kiss.
Tamaki's only ever been kissed once, and it was a girl in grade one as a dare that lasted less than a second.
This...
This is entirely different.
Mirio seems to guide him into it, making one move for Tamaki to follow.
But Mirio breaks away all too soon just to ask a stupid question like, "Is this okay, Tama'?"
Of course it is.
The only answer he gets is another kiss. That's when the relief kicks in. He melts into Mirio's arms, slides his head onto his (dry) shoulder, and cries again. It's quiet and light this time, but he's still shaking from the anxiety and the high of kissing Mirio Toogata.
Mirio just holds him closer and rubs his back and calls him baby. And...
"I love you."
Tamaki's stomach does flips and spins, butterflies flutter and dance, fireworks scream and explode. A nervous but genuine smile breaks across his face and he pulls back to kiss Mirio again.
"I love you, too, Mirio."
It's the most real thing he's felt all day.