Work Text:
You are my missing puzzle piece.
The light to my dark gaze.
A breath from the city grind.
And probably the reason why I am alive.
365th.
July 3, 2021.
I cannot believe it has been a year, my love. 365 days passed the clock without me noticing. Isang taon na pala ever since I started writing these entries to be reminded of each single day since it happened. I am very excited to write nga today kasi this is the most special one amongst all.
Sobrang bilis pala talaga ng oras. Tipo bang kada bangon ko sa araw-araw, konting kilos ko lang gabi na. You know how terrified I am of time kasi its cruelty would always go beyond unexpected times.
May mga oras na kapag nababagabag ako ng mga isiping tulad nito, bigla akong mapatutula at ngingiti because I remember those stares, smiles, and that precious face of yours, I am able to have strength. Na parang lahat ng mga katagang pilit na gumugulo sa isipan ko, nawawalang bigla because the focus of my lenses are directed towards you. It is as if the world revolves around you all of a sudden. Na parang ikaw na lang yung nakikita ko, Han.
Kaya siguro when that moment I saw you, alam kong ikaw na.
While time is running out, it somehow paused when I saw the sight of you.
Hindi man tayo magkakilala.
Galing man tayo sa ibang parte ng mundo.
I may be an indecisive and fickle-minded type of person, pero sa'yo, nung mga panahong yun, parang naging siguradong-sigurado ako.
Never thought that in my whole life, at some point I can come up with a decision without thinking twice.
When I saw you laughing in that resort sa Palawan, I knew I needed to grab the opportunity to talk with you. Parang my life depends on it ba. Feel ko kasi nun, kung hindi kita lalapitan, magsisisi ako. Kaya sorry, Han, if bigla akong sumulpot out of nowhere sa pila haha. I cannot contain myself eh.
Ang iniisip ko lang talaga at that moment, paano kaya naging unfair si Lord sa pagpapakalat ng beauty sa mundo? How did your parents or probably, uhm yeah, partner manage to breathe knowing that they are not around to guard an exquisite looking person like you?
Kung ako 'yan, I'll be around you always. Baka hindi na nga ako umalis sa tabi mo eh.
Pero minsan pala hindi enough yun 'no? Haha.
Anyway, hanggang ngayon natatawa pa rin ako kapag naalala ko yung mukha mo nung lumapit ako to ask your name sa may buffet for our companies' joint celebration. The stuttering, the shyness, and the teasing of your colleagues. Umalis ka pa nga agad and stopped from supposedly getting your spoon of rice kasi namumula yung tenga mo.
God. Kung alam mo lang how much I wanted to cup your face and peck on your ear. When I saw you walking away, alam ko dapat madisappoint ako. Lahat na yata ng babae o lalaking nilalapitan ko dati, they feel surprised or kasi they feel mesmerized by my physique. Pero sa'yo, ang lakas talaga ng tama ko. This entry suddenly became a confession letter tuloy! Ikaw kasi haha. You are just too beautiful, Jeonghan. I cannot resist you. Kaya siguro imbes na mainis ako kasi hindi mo tinanggap yung offer ko to shake hands at magpakilala, I felt a sudden pit on my stomach. Wonwoo even laughed at me when I asked him what is it called for t'was the first time I felt that way. Hindi ko rin talaga tinantanan si gago because I wanted to know if tama ba akong pareho kami nang iniisip na term.
Turned out, well, tama nga.
Kilig.
Yun pala yun. The giddy and butterfly-like movement sa stomach mo with matching super malakas na heartbeat. Dati kasi, I feel my sexual drive arouses whenever I see someone aesthetically pleasing. Pero sa'yo? I kind of wanted to protect you.
No. Not actually kind of. Kasi gusto ko talaga. You were the super fragile type sa mga mata ko, Jeonghan. I can see how God took his time to create you.
Ang ewan pakinggan kasi ang laki kong tao pero nakaramdam ako ng ganun sa'yo. Probably that moment I realized na sa'yo ko lang siya mararamdaman, I swore to the heavens na I'll do everything just so I can be given the opportunity to be able to make you feel the same way and beyond that.
And as time passes by, hindi ko na rin napansing I am slowly having a turn of life while falling so deeply for you.
You were the first person who made me submit and admit all of my shortcomings. I remembered the first night we spent sa harap ng beach and the rainy sky. Talking with you for the first time after the incident sa may buffet feels like fever dream! Tapos ngayon ikaw pa yung unang nag-approach sakin after nung campfire natin. I felt so comfortable. Ang weird kasi feel ko para akong nakikipagusap sa isang homie. Kakikilala lang natin pero sobrang dami kong natutuhan sa'yo.
You introduced me to new perspectives na never kong napansin or narealize kasi noon, ayaw ko talagang may sumasalungat sa kung ano na yung established principles ko. Imagine. First date natin pero ayun yung takeaway ko from you. Ewan. I just love the way you speak, Jeonghan. You showed me how important it is to understand how things work from other's views. You taught me how to empathize and sympathize kung kinakailangan ko. The wisdom you have is so powerful and philosophical and it amazes me every damn time because the power of your tongue is scary. Parang lahat na lang yata nang sasabihin mo, maniniwala ako. And even you admit na nagsisinungaling ka pa, matatawa na lang ako kasi I cannot distinguish which is authentic and not.
And even your actions became my addiction na rin yata haha. I was able to act and think like you in a short span. You were also responsible for letting me know na yung contentment pala minsan, you just feel it in things kahit hindi mo siya nahahawakan. It goes with how your heart speaks. The connection and the moment you feel light. That fleeting reaction. Na parang sobrang stable na ng lahat for you. Naalala mo ba nung tinanong mo ko during our first anniversary how I defined being content and I did not answer you?
Sorry kasi that moment, hindi ko pa alam yung sagot.
Pero all those times, nasa harap ko lang pala yung depinisyon ko ng "kuntento".
That was it, Jeonghan. The period of having you was the most content time I've ever had in my whole life. Your existence and the way my life revolve around you was so crazy, to the point na kahit anong gawin mo, mapasusunod mo ko.
Sorry if hanggang dito, late pa rin ako.
But you know what, after kong marealize yun, parang mas tumapang ako. Parang nawala yung takot ko na harapin lahat kasi beside me is the world. Like kahit anong gawin ko, in every rhythm and rhyme, you are there to do it together with me. Walang madali, pero waking up having you assures me that everything would be okay.
Akala ko nga rin dati being stiff and pressured is just normal eh. Pero hindi pala 'no? I remembered you often tell me that working hard and continuing are the keys towards success. I have witnessed how you did it your way, Han. And from there, I just knew how I would want to live my life. Wonwoo was even shocked when he discovered how changed I became when you came.
That asshole even thought ginayuma mo ko haha.
Well, I thought so too, jk. Pero hindi pala, Han. It is solely because God sent me my guardian angel. And that made me fully believe that despite our differences, may soulmate tayong darating which will fill each other's gaps and at the same time, compliment with us kahit na may mga differences in personalities.
Ewan pero dahil siguro sa radiating energy mo, nahawa ako. Your print is left in me. In those 5 years, I can say na kahit paano, I have applied whatever I have learned from you.
When they saw how happy I was, they said everything is so perfect, Han. Sabi nila, we are so lucky to have found each other that early in this lifetime.
According to how they see it, we are meant to spend this period until the day the Creator decided to retrieve us back.
We were the best partners to finish this dance of life.
And like them, I was very certain that this is for us to ace together.
That was the case for us, Jeonghan eh.
"Isasayaw kita hanggang sa mapagod yung paa ko, Cheol."
"Cheol, the music won't stop here. Baka may panibagong tune na ibibigay sa'yo."
"Probably, Cheol, another dance ang gusto Niyang simulan mo. Do not be afraid to start another kasi nandito naman ako to practice another one with you."
Those greatly made phrases were ingrained in my heart and soul because I always believed that things will remain that way.
Luckily, it did.
I was way too swayed by the practices we've done because the outcome is greatly shown to the audience. The claps and the satisfaction when we bag another milestone as we continue with various dances became our strength. Because of that, we learned to fearlessly switch our places or try new ones.
Ang saya kasi hanggang ngayon, I am still able to do this with you. With the beach behind plus the moon and the stars above, the very first tune we danced exactly two years ago filled the quietness of the island.
"We have come a long way, Jeonghan." I mentioned after a long period of reminiscing.
"Have I told you how thankful I am for having you in this lifetime? Sobra pa sa sobra, Han. Words are not enough to express those. Pero kahit na hindi magiging sapat yung salitang salamat to tell you kung gaano ako kaswerteng nandito ka, I will never be tired of telling that to you if that's the only proper way to tell it." You laughed, making me feel embarrassed.
"Alam ko corny ako, oo na. Alam ko marami rin akong naging shortcomings over the years. I know I was never the perfect boyfriend, Han. But thank you for putting up with me. For completing me. For staying with me despite those. For loving me for who I am and helping me overcome the obstacles I thought never can surpass." I paused for a second to stop myself from crying.
"Pasensya ka na ngayon lang ako nakabawi ha? Medyo nahirapan lang. Pero kinaya naman. Kaya nga tayo nandito ngayon, 'diba?" I laughed but you reacted differently.
"Oh bakit umiiyak? Ano ka ba. I brought you here kasi gusto ko nang makumpleto natin yung bucket list mo, Jeonghan. Ang pangit mo na tuloy." I said jokingly making your face crumple. I laughed a little and looked at you intently while examining your features.
Your gaze, the face, and that body that sheltered my perplexed soul. The only person who can make feel at peace amidst the chaos. And probably the individual I will solely love in this lifetime.
"I love you, Jeonghan Choi. Still and always will. And even in another lifetime, my soul will always be entangled with you. Thank you for dancing with me until today, Mahal. Salamat for showing up even though you couldn't." I said and resumed dancing and buried my face on your neck while tears kept flowing.
And while doing so, watching a few steps away from me is the soul of the man I was suppose to tie the knot with, who came back to the Creator's paradise exactly a year ago on our presumed day of matrimony, while I am slowly rocking the replicated figure of him made of wood, whom I married today.