Archive of Our Own

“As long as we are together, everything will be fine,” Minho said, holding his hand.

Jisung found it funny that time, the fact that at the age of six, a little boy had come to him promising to keep everything in place. 

Jisung doesn’t find it funny anymore; not when the same little boy has been moving his world the way he pleases ever since the day they met.

He remembers exactly how they had ended up in that situation, and often lets his mind trail off to the memory of that morning at the beginning of the school year, when their classmates had proposed playing cops and robbers at recess. Jisung’s team was losing, and his hope was vanishing, but then Minho grabbed his hand, smiled at him, and with a promise won all rounds.

Jisung knows it’s going to be one of those nights he wonders when everything went wrong. 

(He knows it's not completely necessary to search for the answer in the roots of their friendship, but it eases the need to blame a moment. And why not blame the moment Minho walked into his life?)

Minho hadn’t kept his promise. 

In fact, Jisung likes to twist the words in his sleep deprived nights often wondering whether Minho had meant to say “as long as we are together, everything will burn”, of course he had fallen for it, pulling out his best smile and holding his hand tighter.

At the age of six, Jisung was still naive.

At the age of six, Jisung was not in love with his best friend.

Though, at the age of twenty, he knows nothing other than loving a boy who has always been unreachable. 

He likes to call Minho a liar for saying empty words that are engraved on Jisung’s brain, but he knows the man was seven at the time and probably doesn’t remember.

It gets worse when he recalls how he was in fact warned. 

One of those nights where Minho would usually sleep over at his place curled up on Jisung’s body while he shared his worries. The sentence was among “I’ve never loved someone, but I’ve heard it hurts, I really don't want to hurt,” and “If I ever show signs of falling for someone, tell me, and I’ll push them away”. 

Jisung would love to pretend the words were another lie, though Minho, in fact, calls him out for not telling him to push someone away the first time he dates. Minho covers it in jokes while tears roll down his cheeks, but the second time it happens Jisung knows better than to just let him be; he warns him and sees a person who was glued to Minho now forever gone from his life.

It's a bittersweet taste, the one that settles in him, having the power to say a few words and keep Minho to himself. It’s bittersweet, though Jisung has never used said power for his own benefit, only when his best friend actually showed a different type of affection to someone else. But it’s bitter because Jisung should have warned him to leave him the first time Minho had intertwined their fingers at night. The problem is, Jisung has always been a little selfish, and a minor action like innocently holding hands in the dark wouldn’t do them too much harm (how wrong he was).

He should have told Minho to step away from him, that Jisung’s feelings would get in their way one day, yet he kept quiet, hoping Minho wouldn’t hear the beating of his heart every time they hugged. Hoping he could admire his presence every single day even if it is just as friends.

Because Jisung might be selfish, but he is not greedy; as long as Minho is there with him, it will be alright.

Yet, Jisung doesn't know what he’s doing when he closes the door of his dorm and lies in bed. Jisung has no idea of what he’s doing when he pulls the phone out of his pocket and calls Minho.

The only thing Jisung knows is Minho won’t answer.

The call goes unattended, but he knows why. 

He knows it is yet early for Minho to come to their dorm, and that he is still working at his job, but a part of him hoped Minho was dismissed early, just so Jisung could have his presence sooner that night.

Jisung doesn’t insist any more, deciding to stand up again and search for food.

It is already late that evening but he hasn’t gotten anything to eat yet, after spending most of his afternoon at the library, studying for an exam he has next week. Usually, he would be accompanied by Minho at the library, and yet, he isn’t as lucky that day.

The first acceleration of his heart happens when he stands on his toes to grab a half eaten bag of chips from a cabinet, just as the door of the dorm creaks.

He turns around, alarmed, only to find a black haired boy walking past the entrance.

Jisung wasn’t expecting anyone to come visit him, and Minho had to work a night shift, but there he was smiling apologetic at the younger, “I was on the elevator and couldn’t get your call. My boss said he would close the store early”

It has become a habit of his to find himself warming up to anything the older says, as if his presence wasn’t enough to struggle with words.

He must take credit on something though, as deep as he has fallen for Lee Minho, Jisung should receive a reward for keeping himself together and pretending every stare the older spares him doesn’t have his heart rate speeding up.

Jisung knows there is more space in his heart for Minho as the older raises his hand and gives him a bag, “I figured you’d be hungry by this time”

It’s often that Jisung doesn’t get to dinner when he studies at the library, and it’s also often that Minho makes sure to bring him snacks and food from the convenience store he works at.

He thinks he loves him a little more every time.

Jisung doesn’t like to show it nevertheless. He never liked to imply how much Minho meant to him, always trying the hardest to keep the feelings to himself.

He isn’t planning on confessing, not when everything is perfect the way it is.

Jisung knows he loves Minho more than anything in the world. Jisung also knows Minho doesn’t love him the same way.

And he fully accepts his destiny the way it is.

He knows loving is a privilege and trying to get rid of his feelings would do more harm than improvement.

“Why so silent?” Minho questions as he settles on the seat of his desk across the room, “You haven’t said a word since I came in”

Jisung didn’t mean to keep quiet, maybe he was trying too hard to silence the thoughts inside his head, that he forgot to act normal.

What normal means, is up to debate, because Jisung mentally screaming about his love for Minho is more than normal, he thinks maybe, what isn’t, is to get caught up on it and not replying to the older.

He sits on the small bed against the wall, opening one of the snacks Minho handed him minutes ago. His favorite, Jisung notices.

As he finishes swallowing the first cheddar flavored chip, Jisung finally speaks up, “My classmates were talking about a party next this friday”

It’s not exactly an answer to Minho’s question, and it’s neither a lie, but he guesses the older won’t persist further.

“Changbin told me,” Minho adds, “We should go”

No , is the first thought that crosses Jisung’s mind. The topic was only brought up so Minho wouldn’t question his little moment of oddity. It was only meant to be a topic changer and move on from it like they always do.

Jisung and Minho never attend parties together for simple reasons.

1. It doesn’t matter how long they have spent their life together, Minho always disappears with his other friends.
2. If Minho ever comes back, he does so after finishing a few bottles himself, and with a prominent smell Jisung wishes he could forget.

They have gone to few parties together, yet enough to prove this.

“There is no way in hell I’m going with you,” he says, making sure there is no sugar-coating on the words.

“Why?” Jisung doesn’t answer, because Minho knows damn well why, and the apologetic (almost convincing) gaze he gives Jisung is proving it. “I won’t drink as much this time, if you come with me I promise I will take care of myself. And won’t leave your side this time”

It doesn’t matter. Not even any of those words matter.

Jisung knows as much as Minho wants to promise him, the older will get caught up in the moment and break the deal, like the many times before that night.

It isn’t concerning, Minho is not close to addiction, and yet, everytime he gets closer to his other friends at the party, he loses control of himself, and promises it won’t ever happen again.

Of course, it’s always Jisung who takes care of him, when Minho makes his way inside the dorm late at night. Sometimes Jisung wonders how he even manages to walk through the hallway all by himself, because as soon as his feet cross the entrance, his body gives in to exhaustion falling down only giving Jisung seconds to reach.

Even knowing all of that, those are not the only reasons Jisung won’t allow himself into that party.

For fuck’s sake, he has an important exam next week.

He really can’t fail.

“No,” he concludes, “I’m not going”

It’s almost funny because days later he finds himself holding Minho’s arm between the crowd of a party he wasn’t supposed to attend.

“ Fuck ,” he whimpers.

Minho still has some hidden ways of persuasion that Jisung hasn’t come up with how to evade yet.

That’s how he can’t help but tag along his roommate. They’re not alone (as alone they can be in a crowd), instead Minho’s friends are by their side, joking in ways Jisung is not used to.

It’s true that his only close friend is his roommate, because they were friends even before they decided to select each other to share the dorm. But Jisung doesn’t have many others by his side nevertheless. The only times he is not by himself are when Minho is not there to study together, he searches for the few classmates he has ever shared words at the library.

For once in many nights, Minho does comply with his words and doesn’t look for drinks the second they step in the house.

Jisung doesn’t know who the party belongs to, the only thing he knows is that the house is crowded .

There’s people everywhere he looks, almost too many, more than necessary in one room. He knows it’s not just another party that will end with little damage, this one, this one will destroy everything completely.

He’s not sure whether he is very fond of the idea yet.

With a tug of his arm, Jisung realises he is being dragged across the living room, across the drunk people dancing with each other. With a glance at what’s in front of his face, Jisung realises it doesn’t matter that Minho didn’t drink until now. Because there is a table set for beer pong and he knows his plans will fall right in front of his eyes in a matter of minutes.

“You promised!” Jisung complains loud enough at Minho.

“We are too sober enough to win, Jisung”

It had been half an hour since they had entered the house, and Minho was right, Jisung and him barely sipped their drinks. But it isn’t a secret that both him and Minho are bad at games, almost too bad. Sober or not, Jisung is confident they won’t win.

Half of that hour was spent between the laughter of people he’s met only a few times, across the hallways when walking with Minho, his friends would only greet them and walk away.

Jisung is not even sure he’s got their names correct.

But it didn’t matter, because half of that hour Jisung got the opportunity to stare at Minho’s outfit without being questioned for it. The older wore those pretty leather pants Jisung might be in love with, because they do a much better job at highlighting Minho’s thighs than those baggy pants he wears at the dorm, or even those common black jeans he loves to wear every morning. Jisung is aware it appears as he has been obsessing over what bottoms Minho wears, yet- damn maybe he is. He can’t help it though. No one that spends eighty percent of their time with Minho would be innocent from looking at his legs at least once.

He thinks he can handle himself that night, because Minho decides to balance his outfit with a simple plain white tee, which Jisung has grown accustomed to seeing at least twice a week in Minho's outfit.

Jisung is not that far behind Minho either way. He wears a gray silky shirt with black pants, only because the raven insisted for him not to wear jeans like the last time.

A shake of his shoulders takes him off trance nevertheless, “Come on,” Minho whispers too close to his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

The older guides him to where his friends have moved in a round beside the table. It almost seemed as if they were plotting something against them.

There are five of them, all dressed in black, it almost appears comical.

Jisung doesn’t pay attention to what they’re saying, not when Minho places an arm over his shoulder. But sooner than expected, one of the voices, Jeongin, who Jisung knows his name well (only because one of his classmates can’t get it out of his mouth), says something that catches his attention.

“The loser team has to pretend to be a couple for a month,” as expected, some of them shrug him off, and then there’s Minho.

The older smiles a way Jisung thinks should be illegal, “That smile is why we always get in trouble,” he mutters lowly for only Minho to hear.

“Don’t worry, we got this! I really want to see Chan and Felix acting like a couple!” He exclaims, and adds a louder for his friends to glance curiously at him, “We’re in”

Jisung thinks it’s reckless and a dangerous territory he’s not sure he wants to step into. The possibility of having to pretend dating Minho is too high and he doesn’t want it to be real. 

Still, it’s a stupid game, and they have nothing to lose. If it happens to be them getting the punishment (a part of him almost believes it’s more of a reward), they could call it out and decide to dismiss it.

Maybe they could end up changing the punishment later, to something that sounds more of a punishment to Jisung.

Ready or not, Minho’s friends start screaming out of excitement.

He thinks maybe it won’t end too bad.

It’s dumb to expect Minho to get any of the balls in the cups, because he absolutely never does, and Jisung is starting to believe he might do it on purpose. Perhaps Minho meant to lose and torment Jisung’s feelings for a month.

On the other side of the table, Chan, the one that has been trying the hardest to make Jisung feel included, is also the one that competes the best against him. He learns Felix’s name fairly easily, because the boy is apparently either too drunk to put effort into the game, or too careless about the punishment. Either of the options, Felix is not competing to win, and it shows.

That only leaves Chan and Jisung, doing the absolute most complicated skilled techniques to win for their own team.

It’s not enough, Jisung realises, when there’s still five cups untouched on the other side of the table, and only two on his. His because Minho has accepted defeat giving Jisung the most apologetic glances, as Jisung pours his all into shooting the small ball into one of the cups across the table.

Hyunjin stands by Jisung’s side encouraging him with loud cheers to win against the other team. Jisung thinks he’s biased to him, not only for his cheers, but because he’s the person he has had the most contact with. Minho sometimes likes to tag him along their morning search for coffee. 

Despite that, sometimes Hyunjin visits Jisung to check on him. It’s an action Jisung hasn’t gotten used to yet, but he is not raising any complaints about.

His hard work, Hyunjin’s encouragement, Minho’s terrible attempts, they all go to waste. Because minutes later Chan raises his brows and dances in victory after shooting the ball inside the last cup of Jisung’s team.

As he closes his eyes, to avoid facing the defeat, he can feel Minho fidgeting around him. Jisung doesn’t need to open an eye to know Minho is struggling to speak to him.

Maybe Jisung and him have drunk too many cups to even come up with a plan on how to get away from the punishment, because when Jeongin claps a little too excited, Jisung just lets the situation be.

Maybe he left a part of his soul on that exhausting game, because when Minho’s friends start explaining the rules to their punishment, he doesn’t face Minho, only listens.

From now on, they have to act as a couple for a month, (Jisung wants to object they never stated before when they would start the punishment, not even giving him a few days to settle the thought. But he keeps quiet). And everyone must think it’s real, and so they must include skinship in public and kisses (Jisung wants to object that kisses should be banned, he thinks people would believe them anyway. But he keeps quiet)

A part of him thinks it’s not really that bad. If one of them always stays at the dorm, they wouldn’t have to show how much of a couple they are. And Jisung is willing to make that sacrifice.

After all, he doesn’t spend much time in outside anyway.

“Now go announce everyone about your new relationship status!” Tells Changbin with a wink, as he pushes both boys to where the commotion is. He barely knows the guy, and after the interaction Jisung doesn’t know whether he really wants to.

He doesn’t quite understand how they are supposed to announce it. No one in that party would ever care that Jisung and Minho were now supposedly dating.

Apparently, Minho understands the meaning behind Changbin’s words.

Soon, he’s grabbing Jisung’s hand and dragging him towards the empty space he finds between the dancing bodies- he has to drag Jisung because the boy is extremely grounded it’s almost impossible to make his body move by itself.

Perhaps a few minutes ago he was accepting his destiny, but now he wants nothing but to run.

Finally, reality settles.

And Jisung understands he has to pretend he loves Minho for a month, which is funny, because he has been loving Minho for years. 

He’s not exactly sure when his feelings changed for the first time, he simply knows it happened between the first time Minho grabbed his hand, and the first (and only time) Minho kissed a girl.

What’s new is, Minho now has to pretend he loves Jisung back.

He thinks maybe the universe is playing a game on him, a revenge for the amount of times he complained of having to work overtime, before quitting his job.

There’s no time to run away, not when Minho pulls him closer by the waist and Jisung finds himself muttering the words, “We will have a serious talk later after this,” motioning with arms and hands the party itself, but soon Jisung would realise they won’t have a talk after this, instead they will step into the dorm and immediately head to their respective beds pretending to sleep. At least, Jisung will pretend to sleep when Minho will whisper a soft apology.

At the moment, Jisung doesn’t know this, and so he lets himself be caught up in the way Minho looks at him. He notices how the raven’s eyes are proof enough that he’s been long since sober, managing to only bring concern to Jisung.

“You’ll regret this tomorrow”

He’s glad Minho doesn’t question why Jisung doesn’t mention how he might also regret it the next day as well.

“Long term friendships sometimes need to get spiced up,” Minho takes a step closer, not minding the crowd next to him. Jisung wonders if he’s really into the situation as he seems.

He glances at Jisung almost as equally as he glances at his friends behind Jisung. 

It’s nothing but romantic, and Jisung wonders whether bringing spice into their friendship would also be the end of it.

He doesn’t say this out loud though, afraid of what Minho could respond.

“Unless…” Minho starts, “You really don’t want to do this. I can say it’ll make us uncomfortable or something like that, and be given another type of punishment”

Jisung considers it. 

It’s kind of silly that now that he has Minho’s breathing so close to his, he doesn’t want to let go of it.

He’s grown accustomed to Minho’s proximity, but it has never been this way, as promising. Jisung knows with a few words he can have Minho’s lips caressing his, and he has never been granted an opportunity so easily.

Sometimes he dreamt of moments like this, whether there would be a Jisung from another universe that’d be given all the luck he has been lacking. Maybe the Jisung from the other universe would live in situations in which Minho could grab him by the neck softly, and be considered totally mundane, different from now. That maybe the other Jisung’s daily life consists of kisses from Minho.

Jisung knows he should be thankful at least he’s had the chance to have Minho in his life, and be in love with a person like him. 

He knows this, and still a part of him begins to think selfishness always goes along with greediness.

Jisung has always been a little selfish, never greedy, but for once he allows himself to be.

“It’s fine”

He untangles the hand that was connected to Minho’s, only to lift it and cup the older’s cheek. 

It’s not him who shortens the gap though, and it’s neither Minho. 

Jisung realises that being in the middle of a dancing crowd also includes the downsides of being pushed around, and when a group of friends walks across the room, he finds himself being shoved against Minho.

A little too hard, but apparently, enough to wake up Minho from a trance and hold him tighter.

As he tries to ground himself and not lose more balance, Minho’s lips brush his, equally as curious as tentative.

Jisung realises at that moment, the universe must hate him too much to only give him one month of those experiences. Jisung realises he might become a little too greedy after this game.

It’s not the softness of Minho’s lips, or the way it slowly increases into a heated kiss, but that Jisung remembers actions of years ago, of a far too similar touch. 

He buries the thought in a cage, along the warmth that grows on his chest.

However, it’s soon that he realises, he can stop pretending, all his acting can come to an end as long as he’s in public, disguised as another form of acting. Because now, Jisung must say he loves Minho, and no matter what, everyone else must believe it’s an act.

And so he holds Minho even closer, he lets his finger run through the dark soft hair, and he lets himself get lost in the faintly fading floral scent.

“save me 'till the party is over

kiss me in the seat of your rover

real sweet, but i wish you were sober”

( wish you were sober by conan gray )

Two days have passed since Minho effortlessly succeeded in driving Jisung crazy. And something must be said, considering they kissed passionately, they do a pretty good job at pretending nothing life-changing happened.

They play it off as a joke, and Jisung thinks it might be because they didn’t go through another situation that required repeating that experience.

It partly can be blamed on Jisung’s exam that requires hours of study. They both know there’s many public places Jisung can study instead of the dorm, but he has been avoiding the public like the plague.

That is, until that afternoon.

Minho lets him know he has planned a study session at the library, and would enjoy Jisung’s company to make the hours not so insufferable.

The price to pay: Jisung’s suffering knowing the library is a public space.

It’s not reasonable to go against their casual and almost weekly study sessions at the library, only because of a bet and rumors. 

Jisung decided that despite his now growing hatred towards the outsides, he must become stronger and confront looking like a couple.

Besides, as long as Minho’s friends don’t find out they’re not changing their actions, no damage would be done.

Though it happens, at that almost skipped beating of his heart, that Jisung finds one of his classmates, Seungmin, looking at him almost too curiously. 

The boy is seated in front of one of the tables Jisung was interested in settling for, which to his non-luck, is the only empty one. Exam season.

He knows it’s all over for him, because he’s known from experience Jeongin and Seungmin are an inseparable duo.

Instead of following his wishes of turning around and storming out of the library, Jisung waves a polite greeting to the male, and sits on the table.

Sooner than he wanted, Seungmin approached him as he placed the books off from his backpack to the table. The silence is apparently seen as an invitation for the man to flop beside him, which leaves Jisung wondering whether Seungmin will be kicked out in a few seconds- after all, there are only two seats in the small table, and Minho is on his way.

The thought of Minho suddenly reminds him that Seungmin most probably knows about their relationship, what Jisung is not sure about though, is whether the boy knows it’s fake or not. He hopess it’s the former, because in that case, he wouldn’t have to pretend in front of his classmates. If Seungmin knows it’s fake, they can even laugh about it together.

His wishes are soon crushed, as Seungmin says almost in a whisper, “Congrats! Jeongin told me about you and Minho”

There’s a huge smile plastered on his face, and Jisung is disappointed he can’t uncover his lies to the boy.

A second later he realises he has to put up an act- he is supposed to be in a fresh relationship! That should be enough to light up his week, and even more so after being congratulated. But he can’t help but release an awkward laugh that he wishes doesn’t label as so.

“It was meant to happen, I guess,” Jisung finally words out, and clings to the hope that maybe in the future when being congratulated for finding a partner, he won’t sound as monotone and remote.

Seungmin doesn’t seem to notice as he smiles brighter, almost as if he has been waiting for this exact moment his whole life, and suddenly blathered, a little too loud considering the library setting, “I know! Jeongin and I have been talking about you two for months, for a moment we considered it might not ever happen. But there you are! New boyfriend and all! I swear your pinning made it really hard to watch, painfully even! Specially yo-”

His speech is interrupted by a sudden hand reaching for Jisung’s shoulder, reassuring, and the voice of the person he wants to avoid the most, “In my defence, Jisung has been really slow to understand the signs”

The words spread warmth all over his body, and his next actions do anything but ease it when he turns to face the owner of the hand on his shoulder. 

Minho behind him showing a cheeky grin on his lips.

Despite his desire to avoid his best friend, his mere presence is enough to calm Jisung around Seungmin. He feels rather confident and playful now, “Maybe if you were a little more obvious! You made it so exhausting as well!” Jisung cries out.

It’s all a game, he knows. And yet, he speaks half truth, because Minho has been making it exhausting to be around, there’s only so much speed his heart can take.

Jisung is sure it’s all game, until Minho’s words have him questioning all his truth, “I literally told you I loved it when you held my hand watching a movie at night. And you rolled your eyes!”

He’s caught off guard as the older uses a true event as an example for their bantering

But it’s not true. It can’t be.

Minho must be randomly picking moments of their friendship that can have potential as stories to be told in these situations. And Jisung won’t fall weak for them, he pretends rather not give in to possible lies than believing pure lies and making a fool of himself.

Minho doesn’t mean he did put significance onto those words two years ago.

He didn’t mean it all those years ago, and he doesn’t mean it now.

“It was a scary movie! And everyone loves getting their hand held”

He’s soon reminded of Seungmin’s presence, “But not everyone says they love it”

Jisung doesn’t like the thoughts he’s getting from their talk. 

If these are one of the possible outcomes, the joking around about pinning. If he were to confess, would Minho confess in return?

He’s become used to loving Minho and not expecting anything back, almost as if that’s how it's supposed to be. And he’s suddenly being cruelty shown that maybe there’s so much more to loving Minho; that he’s being deprived of.

“You know what?” Jisung blurts out, “I was oblivious but so were you!” With a glare and a pointy finger towards Minho, he eases his tone to beg the next words, “Now please, can we just study, this is a library after all”

Seungmin gets the hint and quickly stands up from the chair for Minho to take it.

No more words are shared after Seungmin’s wave as a goodbye and soon Jisung finds himself exclusively focused on the words of his book. 

Except that he’s not. 

Really, Jisung’s eyes are only fixated on one exact paragraph, but he can’t seem to move on from it. The meaning behind the words just can’t get through his head.

The atmosphere is calm, no students are talking, and he can see the sun settleting from one of the big windows he has on his right side. And yet, the person on his left side is more than enough to break the calm out of his brain. 

Jisung is convinced the sentences must not make any sense if read by anyone, because it’s the tenth time he starts the paragraph from the start and he-

“Stop”

The sharp and abrupt words come along a hand that is suddenly placed on top of his thigh. They help knock sense into Jisung, who has been bouncing his leg all along the reading .

After successfully avoiding Minho for the past fifteen minutes, he finally dares himself to glance to his right side. The raven is not looking at Jisung, instead the laptop lighting up his face.

Jisung expected the older to show any sign of annoyment or anger, but his expression remains focused on the essay he’s writing. He shouldn’t be surprised by it, the bounce of his leg is no news to Minho, and the older reacts the exact way since the beginning of their friendship.

And yet, perhaps he wanted anything else but disinterest. 

“Can’t help it,” Jisung excuses with a sigh.

He knew pretending they were in a relationship wouldn’t actually change their dynamics, but hope is the last thing a person loses- the certain detail is, Jisung lost his hope from the start.

So why is he getting caught up overthinking?

Just as he’s turning his gaze towards the senseless paragraph, the hand on his thigh becomes firmer in a squeeze of his leg. Soon Minho is tapping his arm and asking, “What’s got you feeling this way?”

Jisung puts a pause to his brain as he freezes, it is not often that Minho questions his habits or coping mechanisms. 

He realizes that Minho never asks, because he already knows the answer, except this time maybe he doesn't.

“This exam takes a huge part of our final grade for the semester.”

Although the exam takes part as the origin of his control-lacking emotions, that is not the answer he would give, if only Minho wasn’t involved in the other side of the truth.

“I’ve heard kissing can help calm the nerves,” Minho says, with a hint of joking, but Jisung can see he means it.

“Are you implying something?”

He is. 

Jisung has spent more than enough time with him to conclude Minho is always implying something- what he is implying is up to debate.

“Maybe. If I were your boyfriend I would kiss you to ease the nerves,” Minho gives him a reassuring smile, but it does nothing to reassure him. 

At the moment Jisung is at war trying to figure out his following response.

It’s not fair Minho can say a few words and completely disregard Jisung from the peace he was trying to find.

He thought that maybe at some point of their friendship timeline, Jisung would be able to neglect the habits of his heart. Maybe, at some point he will be able to hear Minho’s voice and don’t feel his chest tightening, his fingers fidgeting, and his eyes fixated on anything but the older’s face.

But just like the saying, old habits die hard.

And he has never related to anything as much. 

“Interesting thing! I thought you kind of were my boyfriend,” Jisung finally chooses to say.

Concluding that maybe he can risk his luck for the day. After all, if Minho decides to back away, Jisung can cover his disappointment in jokes and maybe a few apologies for crossing a line, that he’s not sure where it’s placed.

Everything would be so much easier if Jisung knew where the line is placed.

“Exactly my point.”

Apparently, there are no imaginary lines crossed, because Minho smiles an amused smile, and maybe Jisung is not as nervous anymore.

He seems a lot shyer than the last time they kissed, two nights ago. Maybe it’s because he’s not under the effects of alcohol, or the settings of a party. Maybe, because the library is full of students, and they are supposed to be studying not kissing people.

Or maybe, Minho regrets it.

He disregards that thought as quickly as possible, because his cheeks are cupped by Minho’s hands and all of a sudden the floral scent is reaching his senses again. As much as Jisung tried to train himself to be calm between Minho’s embrace in the past, now he can’t get enough of him.

His lips are yearning with need to be on Minho’s but the waiting is too long, and all he feels are goosebumps as the older makes sure to fix his eyes on Jisung. He can’t bring himself to glance in return, but the warmth in his own chest has to be due to Minho’s gaze, it’s impossible to not grow flustered.

He uses the remaining time to just observe Minho’s clothes and appearance. It’s obvious the older didn’t style himself that day, with his black hair all over his head standing in ways it shouldn't. Jisung is also not surprised to find that Minho is wearing the classic outfit- black jeans and a white tee. It’s funny, because Jisung is used to seeing that outfit every day, and that hairstyle every morning, but it’s still enough to make him breathless. 

Jisung is losing his mind. 

The purpose of the scene was to calm his nerves, and yet Minho is taking the longest by just staring at his face in proximity. 

He could close the distance himself, but it doesn’t feel right. 

All the times he neglected himself from daydreaming how it felt being kissed by Minho, it’s only fair to make himself justice by feeling it in reality.

Perhaps reality is not as cruel as people usually claim.

“Why won’t you look at me?” It’s barely a whisper, and yet Jisung is glad he finally speaks after what felt as minutes; or the longest seconds of his life.

He’s glad that even though there are people around, their table is not crowded by others, because Minho’s hands are still softly cupping his cheeks and maybe his ears are as red as his face.

Jisung doesn’t return the gaze. 

He’s starting to believe Minho was teasing him into believing there would be a kiss after this long scene, and that at the end he would be deprived of it.

He hates the most that even if there was a rewarding kiss for the waiting, Jisung would be satisfied from having Minho’s attention on him.

For a second he wants to know how it feels locking eyes with Minho in the short distance of their heads again, it’s a nerve wrecking idea, despite needing to get rid of the anxiety, he finally gives in to Minho’s request.

That action lights up a sparkle on the older’s eyes, and maybe that was all he needed to be rewarded.

“Better,” Minho giggles as he shortens the distance between their lips.

Not enough to touch, but enough to speed Jisung’s heart rate until he feels breathless again- he’s convinced waiting for a kiss has never felt this way before.

Having all his senses focused on Minho is overwhelming, thus he closes his eyes hoping to only focus on touch, taste, and the smell of his floral body lotion.

Though now, Jisung is convinced he never knew what overwhelming felt before, not until Minho finally leans a little closer, placing a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth, and again aligning their lips. 

Jisung is convinced those are the shortest kisses he’s ever gotten, but he composes himself to not be greedy again.

And yet it’s impossible to not do so when Minho is reaching to peck the tip of his nose, and both of his eyelids.

Jisung has to remind himself it’s all fake, and he wouldn’t ever be half as tender if there weren't any people around.

“There,” Minho mutters, still too close to Jisung’s skin, “Feeling any better?”

He hums in response. 

Sometimes he forgets that between their little game, Minho has no meaning behind his actions. That the only one who is drowned by love is Jisung. Minho instead, does everything with a purpose. 

He was annoyed by Jisung’s nerves distracting him from the essay with the irritating bouncing of his leg.

It’s easy to forget Minho doesn’t love him, when he is being kissed so casually affectionately. 

And when the raven is pulling away, detaching his hands from Jisung’s face, and turning around to focus on his essay again, Jisung goes back to indulging himself in overthinking, as he repeatedly reads the forgotten paragraph all over again. This time the thoughts are not as loud, and between the harsh commentary in his head, he gets to decipher some of the meaning behind the sentences, that apparently are not as hard to understand as he thought.

Maybe he was desperate to pretend nothing happened, because suddenly Jisung becomes aware of all the people surrounding them, and that the sun has settled. Maybe if he changes the topic, the after-kiss awkwardness will fade.

He stops pretending he cares even a little about the text in the book, and blurts the words out of his mouth despite his failed attempt to shut them, “I was called to babysit tomorrow, want to tag along and help me?”

The emergency topic being determined in panic is not one of Jisung’s proudest habits.

But he is proud to say it works every time nevertheless, because Minho nods frantically and Jisung allows himself to relax.

He has found many babysitting jobs in the area before, but has never invited Minho with him. Often the parents of the children are friendly enough to let him bring someone to spend the time, which only happens when the kids are very calm and his only duty is to keep an eye on them to see they are still alive while their parents are gone. Although the payment is low, he only does it for a few hours every once in a while.

Jisung questions why he never took that opportunity and brought Minho with him, because the next day as they stand in the middle of a living room they have never seen before, Minho looks more than excited.

“You hate children,” Jisung states, almost questioning Minho’s behaviour.

“I don’t hate all children,” he explains pointing at the four year old boy playing with car toys next to them, “I hate noisy children, and that is anything but noisy”

“It’s concerning you just called a kid that. ”

He’s not surprised to see Minho shrug in response, but he learns that maybe Minho doesn’t really hate kids after all, and the older sitting next to the kid and introducing himself in the cutest way possible, is enough proof to the statement.

He’s reminded that there are sides of Minho he's never been shown before. Sometimes the older tends to hide his thoughts, expecting Jisung to figure them out by himself. As if he could ever have the power to read through Minho. Maybe after all those years, he should have mastered that area already.

Jisung has had Minho’s presence in his life for as long as he’s been aware of his conscience, and yet, Minho tries to keep some information to himself. And it’s fine, Jisung is aware there should be space between them as well. He’s worried sometimes to let himself be caught up, and forget that boundaries should exist in every relationship. Jisung shouldn’t forget where he ends and where Minho begins.

That’s why he always attempts to ignore the sting on his chest when he accidentally discovers Minho snorting drugs in their bathroom sink after his shift.

It’s silly, but he deeply wishes Minho could open up to him about his struggles, and stop pretending life is perfect all time. Maybe then, it wouldn’t hurt as much when the man decides to disappear for days and ignore all his calls, only to come back with a fake smile and red eyes.

After a few of those events, Jisung learns Minho takes more part time jobs than he is told, and sleeps at Chan’s apartment when the tiredness gets the worst of him. Perhaps if Minho were to speak about how he has to pay back the loans for his studies, Jisung wouldn’t be as worried about the older’s mental and emotional stability.

Either way, Jisung respects his decision and doesn’t barge him with questions the third time Minho comes back after four days without sleeping at the dorm. 

Despite the heart-aching discoveries Jisung finds every once in a while, there are also quite a few that make his heart warm instead. Such as the endearing way Minho plays with children and talks to them in a high pitched tone he’s never heard before.

Or maybe has heard before, years back in middle school, when puberty hadn’t hit any of them.

It only helps to remind him of all the reckless actions from years ago.

Jisung all of a sudden feels drowned in the feeling of nostalgia, all by looking at Minho.

He wants to kiss him, but soon realises they’re not around anyone that cares about the rumors going around. And there’s no reason to pretend about their fake relationship. Thus Jisung swallows his words, and hides the need to lean towards the older right there.

In an attempt to change his thoughts, he starts a conversation, but stops talking before he confesses things he doesn’t mean to.

“Remember when we...” 

Maybe Jisung is not ready to say the next words. Maybe because it would feel too real; too close to the confession he isn’t yet ready to speak about. What if Minho begins thinking he often recalls that forsaken event? Jisung does remember it often, and he fears the older would realise just by bringing it up. However, his thoughts are interrupted before he can get into any more assumptions.

“When we skipped class and you helped plan how to begin a conversation with never again , in ninth grade“ Minho exclaims between giggles. Jisung considers that perhaps, he’s not the only one feeling nostalgic from the sight.

Never again is the term that refers to the first person Minho ever loved, which is also the last one. 

The moment brought up was the beginning of a long period Jisung wishes to forget. After Jisung had broken his promise and let Minho manage his feelings by himself, he also contributed to him dating a person. Some things led to another and Minho was crying on his shoulder about how much a heartbreak hurts. Once in a year, the older brings the events up, half joking, but also reminding Jisung that he should never allow Minho to fall in love again.

Yes. That morning mentioned by Minho happened, though Jisung doesn’t feel pleased remembering it. 

Not then. Not now.

“No, not that,” he mutters between the clutching of his jaw, the words weren’t meant for Minho to hear, and yet they are more loud than intended, distracting the older from the kid, and placing an interested face that implies Jisung to keep talking and explain the events he has in mind.

When we kissed, years ago. He swallows the words once again. 

It doesn’t feel right to mention that curious kiss. Not after Minho's recalling of the completely different story.

And now he has Minho waiting to hear his next words, but he can’t allow himself to speak the truth behind his thoughts. In an attempt to disregard the old events, that are more than heart aching, Jisung tries to remember any playful or exciting memory that can lighten up his mood.

“When we stole fruits from your neighbour’s garden,” Jisung settles to say instead. 

He still has some pride left. It’s clear the older forgot completely about the kiss always running through his mind. And Jisung has no intention of making him remember, too scared his friend might think Jisung felt something because of that kiss. He did. Still, not brave enough to imply it.

As they indulge themselves into remembering all the reckless things they did in the past, such as driving their neighbors crazy and skipping class before exams, Jisung walks to the kitchen to find the plate the parents left for the kid to eat. However, both agreed to get dinner at the dorm complex later instead, as they will be leaving soon anyway.

With a few more painful glances at Minho, he finds the older scrunching his nose in adoration when the kid wins the car race against Jisung and teases him about it. 

And Jisung? He can’t even feel angry about it.

“for a second, for a minute can we go?

can we go back when we were young

and didn't care if we messed up?

we have forever so we got lost in each other

‘cause time wasn’t catching us”

( when we were young by lost kings )

A loud knocking on the door wakes Jisung up from his slumber. 

Just that maybe, as he opens his eyes, he’s not annoyed as he usually would be at nine in a saturday morning, instead glad and relieved.

Without a second thought, he opens the door to find Hyunjin’s smile falter at lightning speed, “What’s wrong?” He questioned making his way into the dorm, no permission asked whatsoever.

Jisung lets him, and when he checks around the room to see whether nothing is too much of a mess, he finds that Minho is not on his bed.

But suddenly, Hyunjin’s question enters his brain as sleepiness starts to scatter away. Although he had woken up to a feeling of emptiness, there was nothing wrong- nothing that he could remember now.

He’s sure there was something bothering his mind as soon as he opened his eyelids, but now that his topic of thought changed, he can’t recall exactly what it was.

The only thing he remembers, it was a sad dream. Maybe it should stay that way, forgotten.

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, trying to look for the shirt he discarded the night before. His skin feels too bare in Hyunjin’s sudden presence. 

Although he’s gained trust with the boy the past months, Jisung is not sure they are in that phase yet. Hyunjin only comes up to chat a few times a month, about a class they share, or the times Minho invites him, but nothing more than that.

“There are marks of tears all over your face,” Hyunjin speaks in such a concerned tone, Jisung is sure he’s never heard from the boy before.

With sudden confusion, Jisung reaches to touch the corner of his eyes, and finds that Hyunjin is right, but he doesn’t quite believe it until he walks into the bathroom to check in the mirror reflection and see the tear paths with his own eyes.

Most of them fall onto the side cheeks, which feels damped. But tears are not the only things that he finds, as he glances onto his red lips, which he guesses he might have bitten while sobbed in his sleep.

Whatever he was dreaming that night must have hurt, and he really doesn’t want to remember now that he’s been blessed with forget. Thus he washes his face and teeth attempting to put all his focus in the task to not remember what happened between the time he went to sleep and the moment Hyunjin knocked the door.

“Seriously, what happened?” Hyunjin worries again, as Jisung walks back from the bathroom.

“I had a nightmare, probably,” Jisung explains, “But I can’t remember what it was about”

Silence falls between them as he turns around to fix the cover of his beds, guessing that he should recompose himself. 

Minutes later he’s encouraging Hyunjin to speak about what brought him to his dorm. Of course there should be a reason, but Jisung was so caught up in the topic of his nightmare that he forgot to ask before.

“I actually just felt like checking up on you,” Hyunjin sighs an apologetic smile, “I felt that we didn’t get to hang as much anymore, and you probably have so much gossip to share about your fake relationship with Minho! There’s so many rumors about you two, apparently we weren’t the only ones pained with all your dancing around each other”

Oh .

So that is what his brain decided to torment him with in dreams.

Completely unfair that he has to suffer awake and asleep.

“What is it?” Hyunjin asks, mid concern showing in his tone again, “Your expression changed so fast,” he reaches to brush Jisung’s hand with his fingers, and suddenly widens his eyes when notices Jisung’s shaking.

He didn’t notice before his own action either, and is equally surprised as Hyunjin. He tries to fix his expression again, hopefully not ruining the atmosphere again. Oh how much Jisung wishes he could stop getting his emotions everywhere.

“I remembered,” Jisung starts, “My dream,” but pauses to meet his friends eyes with an attempt of a smile, “But it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it, I don’t want to ruin-”

“I want to know.” Suddenly Hyunjin softens, “If that’s alright”

Jisung is aware he can fully lie. Say that he dreamt about being persecuted or eaten by a monster, and Hyunjin would believe him. Not because he is gullible, instead because it’s a dream, and Hyunjin has no proof to object.

Except, there’s a certain side of him that wants Hyunjin to know. After all, people say talking emotions out is the first step to figure things out, it makes people feel good. He shouldn’t be deprived of it. Not when all Jisung has is Minho. And, honestly, he doubts talking about the dream to Minho would be a good idea. Terrible, if anything.

Besides, a rather known fact is, all of Minho’s friends, including Hyunjin, know .

They all know how Jisung is utterly in love with Minho.

And it’s a shame Jisung didn't know about their knowledge before.

So Jisung speaks, with a shaky voice, but speaks nevertheless.

“I had a dream,” he begins, “I had a dream we were happy, and he loved me just as much as I love him.”

There’s no need to explain any further, Hyunjin fully understands as realisation starts to settle in him. Jisung notices this, as his lips slightly part and his eyes widen, it’s visible despite him trying not to be. No name is spoken, but all Jisung can think of is: Minho Minho Minho.

He hates that a love he has been dealing with for so long starts tormenting him at this time of his life.

Most of the damage is done, and so Jisung continues to dig his own grave, “He was tracing lines in the palm of my hand, and kept staring at me, that way couples stare at each other,” Jisung sighs, yet it’s almost twisted that there’s a small smile threatening to show on his lips. “After, I don’t know exactly when, things got blurry, and I heard a whispered I love you , and it sounded as something I wasn’t supposed to know, you get it? A little pained secret”

When Hyunjin reaches to brush his fingers again, Jisung lets all his fake smiles falter. Because it’s unfair he has to deal with all the destructive thoughts by himself and pretend everything is perfect the way it is. 

There won’t be a single time in his life that will be perfect as long as Minho is not who Jisung loves and is loved by in return.

“I think he always looks at you like that,” Hyunjin breaks the silence, words pronounced tentatively.

“What?” Jisung blurts out in confusion, unconsciously gripping Hyunjin’s hand tighter.

“Like couples that stare at each other”

Jisung didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t hold down a laugh bursting out of his lips. It could be seen as mocking, but he means otherwise. Hyunjin probably is speaking his truth, but his truth is extremely different from Jisung's truth. Hyunjin didn’t spend most of his life with Minho. And he’s neither in love with the man to notice such details. 

Hyunjin neither knows Minho hates love and would never allow such a menace to get between him and Jisung.

“Do you know about Minho’s rule?” 

“I don’t think so,” Hyunjin replies uncertain. There’s probably many rules each person applies to themselves, but little of them are revealed to others. 

“Many years ago, he made me promise to never let him fall in love,” Jisung reveals to someone that isn’t his consciousness for the first time. Such a stupid sentence has been keeping him close to breaking down for certainly too long. “I thought it was just a joke, until it wasn’t. He still brings it up every year”

Hyunjin lets the information sink in, something is obvious, he clearly wasn’t aware of the situation before. Jisung guessed so, it is close to an inside joke between him in Minho, if it can even be called a joke.

It’s funny how often Jisung thinks of that promise.

“If he asked you to push love away from him, why didn't you tell him about yourself?” 

Jisung expected anything from the older except those words.

He wasn’t, and isn’t a lover. Minho never showed it, there was no reason to be detached from him.

“The full rule is that, if he shows any signs of love towards a person, I should let him know so he stays away from them,” Jisung explains first, and continues to answer Hyunjin’s question, “He never acted different towards me” 

His own words linger repeatedly in his mind.

Just like Minho, Jisung starts to realise that perhaps he has slowly come to hate love itself.

Every time the weighting of his stomach feels more sickening. 

There’s nothing lovely about the nerves he feels creeping when Minho gets closer. And if that isn’t enough, being consumed with the thought of someone all the time becomes draining over time.

“Jisung, he has always acted differently towards you. In fact, I think that request of his was always directed to you. I think he was always afraid of loving you, of hurting because of you”

Hyunjin speaks calmly despite the storm he creats in Jisung with his words.

It’s silly that all his life has come to this point.

Doubt.

Has he been too blinded to realise the answers that have always been in front of him, or are Hyunjin’s assumptions completely far from the truth.

There’s a few options he can choose from.

And between so many being about talking, and sorting things out with none other than Minho, Jisung decides to sulk by himself and try to pick on Minho’s every movement and words.

It’s only reasonable that weeks later, when Jisung sits in Minho’s bed (movie forgotten as soon as it started), he compares Minho’s stare from his dream to the one he is being given now. 

It’s fairly similar, and Jisung feels his stomach tightening.

There’s no silence between them this night, he believes it’s because both are very talkative about their stressful assignments and exams (which Jisung managed to pass by the way!). But when he is about to comment about a rather painfully long essay due, they hear a knock on the door.

That is until they both realise it wasn’t their dorm.

Sometimes Jisung forgets how thin the walls are, because soon, they hear muffled talking. It’s not from the next dorm, instead from the hallway, but it’s clear enough to be understood either way, and that’s all that matters.

As he pays attention, hushing Minho, Jisung hears, “ I know you’re sick, and still angry at me, I’m sorry, but here’s some food, I know how often you forget to have dinner when you get sick ,” there’s a prolonged pause that Jisung uses to exchange glances with Minho, “ Again, I’m sorry, I know I fucked up…I’ll leave now ”

After they hear the footsteps fade away, Jisung immediately turns to face his friend and shares one of their classic knowing looks, “They are back at it!”

What happened is no news to any of them. Usually the student next door fights with her boyfriend, but this time, this time it looks seriously the last time. They were expecting this event, the boyfriend apologizing for the third time days later after a fight. 

Fight that Minho and Jisung had front row tickets to hear clearly through the thin walls of their dorms. Both of them had stayed curious whether her boyfriend would actually ever appear again, which is why when Minho raises both eyebrows and widens his eyes, Jisung falls into giggles.

“I knew it was over as soon as he screamed his way into her dorm last time,” Minho pointed out, reaching for the snacks on the other side of the bed, and offering them to Jisung as well, who now eats and talks between mouthfuls.

“That’s nothing! I knew they wouldn’t last as soon as she asked why he never told his friends about their relationship, or why he never kissed her in public!”

“You’re wrong, aren’t you? They lasted a pretty long time to be so fucked up, if you ask me. Hasn’t it been like a year already?” 

In a certain way, Minho is right. Jisung doesn’t have a sense of time when it comes to relationships, he’s quite used to Minho who has been there his whole life, and a year seems extremely short compared to the over ten years he’s got Minho around.

Maybe a year isn’t so short when it comes to being surrounded by toxicity in a relationship.

“Despite all their problems and fights, I think it would be romantic to have someone leave food and messages for me at the door, you know? Being treated with so much love and care,” Jisung can’t stop the words leaving his lips, it almost feels casual confessing about his wanting of a love life to Minho, who is the reason his love life is in such a condition.

“I do”

Jisung’s neck snaps as he turns to glare at Minho. It is not often the older says things he clearly doesn’t mean to. And Jisung is not very fond of being teased and lied to.

Hyunjin’s words suddenly corrupt his mind and now there’s not much sense left to reason his next words.

“Only in public because of that stupid game!”

Despite Jisung’s clear distress, Minho has the guts to chuckle in front of his face.

“Well, we are supposed to, right?” He says. Jisung knows that already, there’s no need to remind him. “We lost and now we are supposed to be dating,” Minho says with a smile.

It almost seems as if for the first time he doesn’t read through Jisung’s expression. 

That, or he’s ignoring him. 

Because Minho has never acted in such a way towards Jisung when he had been upset at something. He would usually try to change the topic or make Jisung open up about his thoughts. There was one last option, the one where Minho would hug him and trace figures in his back as he reassured him in whispers. 

Jisung craves that option the most.

However, it isn’t fitting to be in Minho’s embrace now. 

Without a thought, he groans, because sometimes when he’s deprived of Minho’s careful touch, he forgets there’s some things that shouldn’t be spoken.

“You always say how things are supposed to be, but you never tell me how you want them to be.” Jisung mutters bitterly. There’s no raise of his tone, instead a voice full of venom he’s been keeping inside for longer he can take. “Have you ever thought about what you want?”

It’s infuriating how Minho doesn’t even flinch to his words, as if he’s not able to decipher the meaning behind them. Yet Jisung knows he is. As much as Minho doesn’t react to it, he can fully understand what Jisung has been hiding from him all along.

Maybe Hyunjin was wrong. He must have mixed the signs.

Because, if Minho ever loved him, there wouldn’t be pure calmness in his expression. Jisung would like to believe that if he’s ever meant to confess, he would be met with anything but an indecipherable face.

After what felt like minutes (Jisung is convinced five minutes passed by), Minho reaches to brush the hair off from Jisung’s face.

If Jisung wasn’t as conflicted as he is, he would have found the touch tender instead of pushing it away.

“It’s just a game, Jisung, if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t”

Lies, lies, lies . Jisung keeps telling himself. Maybe Minho has known about Jisung’s love for too long, trying to not comment on it, maybe this is the time he finally does.

Once again, he questions why people put so much importance in love, when all he feels is the tug of his heart as Minho reaches in an attempt to brush his hair again; this time Jisung lets him.

Because as much as he hates to believe Minho’s lies, he thinks it can be better than to always be deprived.

After all, those who are ignorant live the greatest lives without any worries. 

“That would mean you kiss me because you want to,” Jisung states. His own laugh chirping through the room, because saying those words seriously requires more courage than he has.

“You’ve cracked the code,” Minho’s voice follows, yet he doesn’t sound as relaxed anymore. 

Seconds later, the hand that was lingering in his hair, lowers itself to caress Jisung’s cheeks. 

He must have sensed Jisung’s uncertainty, because soon he was whispering, “I will stop if you want me to. But if not, you can relax, we can pretend nothing happened tomorrow”

Ah . Those words, the ones Jisung wasn’t ready to hear just yet.

He is finally given what he asked for. Not exactly the way he wanted.

Forgetting is the thing he wishes he could do the most. 

Forgetting what love feels like. 

“Unless you want us to remember,” Minho speaks again, leaning closer to Jisung’s skin, but it’s burning and he’s not sure how much more heat he can take at the moment.

“No.”

Remembering how Minho wants to kiss him only for how he craves the action is nothing memorable enough to remember. Jisung will let him, will let himself be used so that Minho can satisfy himself. 

Because thinking Minho kisses him because it’s Jisung he’s kissing, is a delusional thought he won’t allow himself to believe.

There’s a single piece of his heart that wants to fall for the lies, yet that piece has become rotten long time ago. That certain piece of his heart has become numb to all the pain to avoid getting hurt in situations like these ones.

Despite all of that, Jisung reaches for Minho’s collar and yanks him closer. 

The way Minho smacks their lips closer is intense, and Jisung can’t help but be reminded of their first kiss at the party. It felt so desperate, and yet now, it holds so much more meaning.

It means Minho wants to kiss him, and Jisung loses a part of himself to grant that.

He moves his hand from Minho’s shirt to hold the older’s neck, pressing his fingers hard enough on the skin to leave marks. 

That only seems to excite Minho more, as he slips his hand to Jisung’s lower back and draws him closer until their chests are pressing against each other’s.

The heat of his body only increases when the older softly bites his bottom lip, but Jisung knows that’s not the only thing he’s focusing on at the moment. How could he when Minho’s heart is pressed against his and it’s beating almost as fast as his own.

He thinks perhaps losing himself in Minho is worth it.

“Don’t you dare falling in love with me then,” Minho’s words echo through the room, interrupting the sound of their kisses.

Jisung doesn’t care if his heart skips a beat.

Falling in love . Such words are enough to break all his walls down.

There’s a tide forming in him, and with every second that passes it grows bigger.

Perhaps losing himself in Minho is worth it now. Yet Jisung knows, later he will be regretting his decision.

His eyes are still closed when he leans towards Minho’s lips again, knowing these are the last few moments of calm before the storm. The Jisung of the future will deal with that later.

And yet, regardless of everything he’s been trying to hold down for years, he realises now that not caring comes along recklessness.

“Too late,” Jisung doesn’t comprehend that those words are the hardest to say until they roll so smoothly from the tip of his tongue, but yet they leave a bitter taste. 

A pause.

He can feel the lips pressed against his own, stop their movement, soon pulling away.

“Are you joking?”

Minho would know , Jisung thinks. He’s never questioned his teasing and joking before, not until he is confessing his heart and Minho wonders whether it’s a joke.

It’s not, and it hurts that it is taken as one.

But the older’s face is twisted in fear. Jisung knows what he wants to hear, thus he will give him exactly that.

“Yes, it was a joke,” he forces out, feeling the burning tickling grow on his throat.

Please don't believe me.

He becomes numb to the begging feeling his body creates through heat and pain so he would just stop. 

It doesn’t matter, because Minho’s lips are on his mouth and skin again, and they don’t leave for another prolonged time.

“this house is on fire,

burning the tears right off my face

what the hell did we do?

tell me we'll make it through

'cause he made it easy”

( easy by troye sivan )

It does matter, because the amount of time Jisung spends at the dorm now is the amount of time Minho avoids it.

Jisung attempts to approach Minho quite a few times, when they walk through the same hallway, yet the older always finds a way to brush him away.

He can’t help but blame Minho for saying they would forget the events of that night a week ago. He should have known better than to believe him.

Because if they pretend nothing happened, Minho wouldn’t be avoiding him like the plague now.

(“Do you have a moment?” Jisung said when Minho opened the door to their dorm one night after his shift.

Yet he was met with harsh words, “I can’t, I’m sleeping at Chan’s tonight”

Jisung knew that meant he had another shift of a part time job he wasn’t informed about, but wasn’t willing to intrude any further. Soon Minho was stuffing clothes into a backpack and closing the door behind him. He didn’t come back for three days after that.)

He is aware that if Minho were to comply and talk to him, Jisung would be at a loss for words. Because despite his attempts to gain Minho’s attention, Jisung has no clue on what to say.

But as he grows tired of chasing the older, he also becomes self conscious of their future confrontation, if there would be any.

And so when Minho walks into their dorm for the first time in three nights, Jisung pays no attention to him.

He pretends his focus is yet on the canvas he’s painting red, thus Minho follows and pretends he walks into an empty room.

They don’t glance or greet each other, but when he hears the water drops hit the floor, and the bathroom door closing, Jisung lets his head fall between his hands with a desperate sigh.

It’s hard to always keep on pretending.

No matter what he does, Jisung has to put up a facade and act as if he doesn’t care; when he didn’t talk about his feelings, when now he ignores Minho.

It becomes draining over time, and Jisung wishes he could end it all. For a moment, he wishes he could go back to when they were kids and push away Minho’s hand for the first time. Say they were all lies, and nothing would ever be alright.

His hands reach for the brush again in a shaky attempt. He traces unstable lines all over the canvas, a mix of colors of red and blue, they collide forming purple. It reminds Jisung of bruises, and he wonders whether his heart could possibly look like that now.

There’s not a certain topic on his mind as he paints the small piece, and despite that, all he can manage to think about is Minho.

Minho who bruises his heart purple.

Sooner than Jisung could ever ask for, the shower sound fades, and minutes later Minho walks out of the bathroom. He sits on his bed as he dries his hair with a towel, and Jisung tries to avoid glancing even though the raven is right by his side wearing his classic white tee dampened by the water dripping from his hair.

Jisung wishes only silence filled the room, but there is a constant sound of dripping water, and Jisung can’t but wonder whether Minho has left the faucet open, or it’s beginning to rain outside.

And as he cleans the brush on his jar of water, the dripping sound is interrupted by Minho’s lips parting.

“It wasn’t a joke, was it?”

The question resonates cautiously between them until Jisung snorts with a shake of his head.

“It wasn’t”

It must have been obvious, because Minho doesn’t show any reaction when the words leave his mouth. And Jisung doesn’t dare to look sideways and find the older staring emptily at him.

“I love you,” Jisung confesses, calmly. 

He never thought that the words that have been tormenting him all his life, would run out of his mouth as if they mean nothing. Perhaps, they do mean nothing; to Minho.

It almost seems they are back at the beginning of the cycle. Jisung accepts once again that his love will always be unrequited, perhaps that’s why his voice barely shaked as he pronounced the confession. Maybe what isn’t as similar to the beginning, is the pain that comes with that knowledge. 

At first, Jisung wasn’t greedy, and loving Minho was enough.

Now, it’s not enough, and yet there’s nothing he can do about it.

It doesn’t help that the shapes on his canvas are starting to form bruised hearts, just like his.

Minho notices, it’s clear by how Jisung senses him shift in his bed. 

There are tears forming in the corner of his eyes, because despite not expecting anything from Minho, saying he loves him and receiving silence in return shrinks his heart.

A sniff escapes him as Minho sighs, “Please don’t,” the words pronounced softly followed by a more desperate request, “Please don’t love me”

If Jisung was trying to keep focus on his painting, he now fails, turning his face harshly to glare at the older, “Please enlighten me. How am I supposed to?”

Even if he wanted to continue working on the canvas, the tears wouldn’t let him. He can barely see anything through the watery coat on his eyes, let alone concentrate on the details.

Despite all of that, Jisung thinks he’s able to see how Minho doesn’t break from his expression, but for a second he thinks he figures the older’s eyes searching for mercy on him. And yet this time Jisung is tired of keeping up with anything Minho has to say.

Because Minho was right all those years ago, saying that love should be avoided as it only causes pain. Jisung feels it now, running all over his body, when Minho looks away from him and gestures the air desperately, “I don't know! If you were able to fall in love in few weeks, you might fall out of love in a few other weeks as well”

“Minho, you’re not making any sense right now,” Jisung whispers as he harshly wipes the tears off his face with the sleeves of his sweater. “I didn’t fall in love with you because of that stupid game. Don't you see that I’ve been falling in love ever since you walked into my life?”

The words burn his throat as they make their way out, but when the older searches for his eyes, Jisung avoids him, grabbing the brush tighter once again. There’s still too much left to express on the canvas before it gets drenched on his tears.

As he continues mixing textures and colors in his painting that he can barely see, Jisung continues talking.

“I know the tears sliding out of my eyes are not enough to prove my love for you, but if I ever had to show you how much I love you, this moment should be close.”

The canvas on his desk is barely an excuse to avoid breaking down in front of the older, as if he didn’t already. Yet there’s much more vulnerability he doesn’t want to show to him. He refuses to let Minho know how much he needs him, how if he is to walk away, Jisung wouldn’t be able to keep his thoughts at bay without him.

He pauses to glance at Minho, who doesn’t look back at him, instead lets his head fall between his knees. His back is against the wall, and his words are not directed to Jisung, but the younger hears them anyway, “ Fuck - What did we do?”

It’s not any better that it starts pouring outside, the water drops getting into their dorm through the half open windows. They will deal with those matters later, but now Jisung lets the rain work as background noise as he speaks again.

He’s not sure whether his words are meant for Minho to hear anymore. And yet, it feels nice to let them out. If Minho wants to hear them, Jisung won’t stop him.

“I think you know me too well to be sure I don't cry for many things, but the first phase of a heartbreak is always sad, and I haven’t gone through so many things in life to know how to cope with the pain”

A sniff, but this time Jisung knows it’s not his own.

“I know you don't care, because trust me, if you did, you wouldn’t be pushing me away. I know all of this, but I still don't know why it's you, why it's you I'm in love with.”

That seems to catch Minho’s attention as his voice interrupts Jisung from his speech.

“You know, walking away it's also really hard when you love the one you leave behind”

He dismisses how hurt Minho sounds, because he won’t allow himself to be trapped against acting again.

“Don’t say that,” he whispers with a shaky breath. “Stop pretending you ever felt any way towards me”

“Jisung, I love you,” Minho looks up from his knees to meet Jisung’s eyes. 

For once, he doesn’t understand why hearing those words hurt more than rejection. 

Perhaps, it is that Minho felt the need to say it back, to not hurt Jisung. Yet, Jisung was hurt a long time ago. 

“Then why are you making us go through all of this?”

Jisung realises, they are both hurt, both in love. 

And yet, it is not as easy.

“One day I might reply and one day I will stop. Please understand, I don't want you to love someone that thinks too much and makes terrible mistakes. I do this, I make you cry, and I hate it.”

Jisung knows. He knows Minho’s life has always been close to unstable. The older barely lets himself follow one single path. Still, he has always been prepared to take the risk, willing to be by his side with any changes of plans Minho could have in mind. It has always been like that anyway, as friends.

“If you care so much, you wouldn’t be rejecting my love even when you say you love me back.”

He dismisses every time Minho has said love should be avoided, because at this moment he allows himself to be selfish, greedy, and reckless. 

It’s not the best decision, but repressing feelings for years do those kinds of things to a person.

Jisung hates love as much as Minho by the time he finishes wording the sentence, and yet he will still go through hell and back just to get a taste of what living in a world where Minho expresses his love freely to him feels like.

He’s not an insistent person, and that night, he gives himself one single opportunity to let Minho understand his position. At least that was the plan, until the older mutters next.

“I care, but I can not allow me to have your love wasted on me.”

That sentence reaches Jisung’s ear quite a few years late. He’s not sure whether calling it a waste is the correct word, but he has been loving Minho too much to abruptly stop now.

Jisung knows deep down in the corner of his heart that if Minho is true to his words, he is loved in return, but he also knows that Minho never would choose to love him. It isn’t a choice, and Jisung is sure the older is not content with his destiny.

“You say you care, but if you were given a chance you wouldn't miss a beat to never care again.”

That seems to do the work, creating a silence and building a barrier between both of them.

Jisung fears it might become a habit of his heart to look at Minho and feel it shrink in pain. 

The rain only reminds him of how cold the night can be, because, in that cold night Minho learns how to break a heart, and Jisung learns that love can ruin if it’s not done right. 

They fall into a routine starting from the following night.

Minho appears only at night to change the clothes he places in a bag, while Jisung sits at his desk, fully ignoring the actions. 

And Jisung thinks he should be thankful for it, because now that he doesn’t see Minho more than ten minutes each week, he can now distract himself from the intruding thoughts.

At least that is how it’s supposed to be.

Jisung is supposed to get over his feelings in the time Minho gives him. He’s supposed to find someone else to think about (like come on, now he has the dorm for himself!)

But there’s many things Jisung was supposed to do in his life to avoid this outcome, one of them being not falling in love with his best friend. 

Apparently, he’s really good at doing things he’s not supposed to.

He’s definitely not supposed to go to a party he’s one hundred percent sure Minho will go to as well.

But people say that after a breakup a person should find someone new. Yet, Jisung didn’t go through a break up, and neither does he have a reliable source for that information. But he believes that maybe kissing someone else will help him forget how Minho’s lips felt doing so. And after all, ending a long term friendship hurts as much if not more than a breakup.

The problem is, he doesn’t find a new person to kiss.

Instead he sits at the sofa, between people that attempt light talk with him. 

Instead he spends the time he should be using to find that said person, to look at Minho getting drunk in the kitchen.

Jisung is aware he might look like a creep to anyone else, but in his defence, the kitchen door is incredibly wide, and the sight of Minho and his friends is right in front of him.

A third shot, of what is presumably vodka, Jisung counts.

He takes a third shot as well.

Because he won’t stay sober that night, that at least.

It’s then, when the glass is still pressed against his lips, and the alcohol is burning his inside as it makes its way down Jisung’s throat, that Minho glances at him for the first time that night.

It’s nothing more than that, and yet Jisung feels his stomach swirl at the action.

And before he can grasp the thought of their interaction, it is gone, and Minho is looking away, towards his friends, and taking another shot.

Jisung follows.

It’s embarrassing that he was caught staring, but it’s more embarrassing that it happens a second time.

He should learn to look away.

But he misses Minho too much. His body aches at the mere thought of the man, and being able to see him again, is almost as equally satisfying as painful.

Jisung lost the count of how many times he’s sipped the alcohol, and how many times he’s glanced at his (ex?) best friend. He thinks it might be the third time he gets flustered, because the strangers sitting next to him are once again asking who Minho is and why is Jisung so caught up looking at him.

He shrugs them off, saying Minho is no one to him, but seconds later a girl is abruptly interrupting him, insisting she saw them kissing at the library. And how lucky Jisung is.

With two more shots of the drink, Jisung is sure he is hallucinating, because there’s a hand pressing against his thigh, and he’s convinced it’s not his own. 

When he looks up from the glass in his hand, he finds that the owner of the pressure on his leg is actually the girl sitting next to him. She must have had a purpose, because soon she looks behind Jisung’s shoulder and there’s a shit eating grin plastered on her face as she slowly retracts her hand and turns around.

Jisung finds out about the purpose in question when he feels a weight settle on the couch next to him. He quickly stiffens as he watches Minho’s head fall against the head of the couch. 

The older sighs deeply enough to be heard on top of the music. Or maybe it’s the proximity to Jisung that makes it possible to hear.

He knows it’s not fair that Minho can walk in and out of his life as he pleases. It’s not fair, but Jisung lets him anyway.

Maybe he shouldn’t.

“I hate this,” Minho closes his eyes to state.

“What?” 

He becomes offended by the older’s words. If Minho hated it so much, he could have kept ignoring him, why walk again into his life to complain about it. If he wanted it to end so much, he might as well just do it.

Jisung has had enough of their little games.

“Missing you.” Minho speaks, the words coming out slurred and Jisung is not sure whether he wants to have such conversation in the setting they are in. “I never thought I would miss you. I’m so used to having you in my life, I never thought you would be gone. I hate this feeling so much.”

Jisung doesn’t want to know that.

He doesn’t want to know that Minho misses him just as much as he does, because it only worsens the creeping feeling in his stomach, and he’s convinced his heart just shrinked at every word coming from the man in front of him.

The man he loves.

The man that claims to love him back.

The man that refuses to be loved in return.

“One never knows what they have until it’s gone.”

Minho widens his eyes, and Jisung refuses to acknowledge the watery coat he finds on the older’s eyes.

He can count with one hand the occasions he saw Minho cry. 

At least those are the times Minho has let Jisung see him cry, which doesn’t happen very often. Yet Jisung has occasionally walked into their dorm to find Minho sobbing in their bathroom, and quickly walking out of it pretending he was perfectly fine. Or the times Jisung heard him almost silently cry at night, when Jisung was supposed to be asleep.

He knows for a fact that Minho hates to be seen crying, let alone be comforted. And so Jisung never acknowledges it, not then, not now.

“Is this really happening?” Minho opens his eyes to gaze at him, but it’s more than what Jisung can take, so he abruptly shuts his eyes closed. “Am I really losing you?”

“ Fuck- Minho, I don’t know,” Jisung groans, forcing himself to meet Minho’s gaze. Instead, the older attempts to grab a cup from the table, presumably to drink it, but he stops him. “Don’t. One more and you won’t be able to stand on your own feet”

“I just- just never thought my feelings would get in the way,” Minho harshly rubs at his own cheek, to clean the tears that threaten to fall. “I thought that if I hid them well-”

“I guess that makes two,” Jisung laughs, yet it’s anything but funny. “We were both playing that game”

He thought love was simple. Two people who love each other, get together. He imagined it as a fairytale, until he found out that love can be unrequited, that love can grow between two people and still not work out.

“I don’t wanna lose you.” It hurts hearing the determination of the older, because it almost seems he’s a step closer to losing Minho with every breath.

“I don’t think we should have this conversation now,” Jisung’s breathing hitches when he feels Minho’s finger trace lines on his hand. 

He looks up to find the older’s gaze on him.

It really isn’t fair that it feels too much like his dr-

No. He shouldn’t compare that to this situation. 

Minho has no right on doing these things, sweet talking his way onto Jisung’s heart once more, when he shattered it to pieces just a few nights ago.

Ah , but Jisung loves him either way.

Heart broken or not, he feels a shiver run down his spine with every finger Minho gently presses over his hand.

Like a habit.

But Jisung has come to hate it.

Because it only reminds him of the things he should not be doing. And he really doesn’t want to be reminded that he is not supposed to be interacting with Minho. Not when he should be trying (at least) to forget about him.

But how could he ever erase him from his memory, when every little moment Jisung has ever lived is somehow linked to Minho.

Like that time Jisung almost bumped into a car, and said car was Minho’s. Like that time Jisung burned two consecutive attempts of cakes because Minho kept distracting him through the phone call.

Living more than ten years with a person does those kinds of things. And Jisung is not ready to attempt forgetting that.

Perhaps if they start again, pretending the game never happened, they never kissed…

Jisung mentally laughs, because even before this game, he was very in love with Lee Minho, and they had already kissed. 

In order to erase the latest events, they should pretend feelings were never there in the first place.

He thinks it’s quite impossible.

For a second, he questions if Minho is leaning towards him, barely, yet enough for Jisung to catch onto the movement.

He doesn’t get to see what happens next, whether the older would keep going, because there’s a hand being placed on Minho’s shoulder, and soon he’s brought back to reality.

“I’m leaving,” says who Jisung believes to be Changbin, “I promised I would drive you to Chan’s place”

Apparently, Changbin didn’t realise about Jisung’s presence before, because when he does, his mouth becomes slightly agape.

Interrupting Jisung from attempting to wave at the man as a greeting, Minho speaks, “Give me a minute,” he requests, “Could you wait in the car?”

Changbin seems hesitant at first, but soon he is nodding and turning around skeptical.

Minho places his attention on Jisung again, this time attempting a fond expression, but Jisung can’t help but see a tear threatening to fall. “I meant it.” He pauses, ruffling his hair with one hand, “I meant it when I said I love you, more than anything”

“Me too,” Jisung says before he can stop himself. “But, shit- We are too out of our ourselves right now” 

He hears Minho sigh and immediately mimicks the action.

“You already know how I feel, and what I want,” Jisung states, composing himself, this time confident to make his words sound determined. “One day, I will stop waiting for you to make up your mind. I just want you to know that I love you, but I love myself too, and I’m not planning on going through that again.” He lets out a shaky breath, almost threatening to break his calm facade, “I’m not planning on losing myself for you again.” Meeting Minho’s eyes, he attempts at letting his decision be understood, “Take some time to make up your mind, when you’re sober. Then we can discuss things out, now it doesn’t feel right”

His words have Minho nodding fervently, Jisung only wonders whether the older has made his mind up before tonight.

“Promise,” he mutters. It’s barely audible, but Jisung is able to read his lips.

“you know i'd rather be alone

but then you call me on the phone

oh the habits of my heart

i can't say no

it's ripping me apart

you get too close

you make it hard to let you go”

( habits of my heart by jaymes young )

Minho sticks to his promise, that is sure.

Because days later (days Jisung spent with his nerves skyrocketing), he sits at the library when a hand cautiously hovers over his shoulder, and before it can even place itself on it, Jisung turns to find his roommate behind him.

They share that moment in silence, with Minho’s lips slightly parting every five seconds, but no words come out of them.

Jisung notices he looks healthier than ever, as if he has finally treated himself the way Jisung has always insisted on him to.

Minho wears a blue shirt and jeans, but Jisung thinks it’s the first time he sees a change in the style of the outfit after weeks, but it’s not as he has gotten the chance to see the older as often as before, so he wouldn’t know.

Later, Jisung decides to break the ice. 

“Yes?”

Minho seems to remember why he approached him, as he widens his edes and blushes pink, “Sorry- I wanted to talk. I looked for you at our dorm, the dining hall, and even asked Seungmin”

Jisung giggles, despite his heart beating at an impossible speed.

“You could have texted me,” he suggests a little late, because Minho’s cheeks turn even a deeper red, as if that thought never even crossed his mind.

“You’re right. I could have,” he recognizes.

Though it’s justified that Minho didn’t consider the option before. Usually they don’t have the need to text or call, as they are mostly glued to each other. At the dorm, at the meals, at the library.

Certainly, things have changed in the last few weeks.

For sure, now he has no idea where Minho will be in the next minute or hour. Contrary to all his life, Jisung doesn’t get to hear his plans and tasks anymore.

Perhaps he misses Minho a little more with every second that passes.

“Well… You wanted to talk?” Jisung mutters as he senses the older spacing out again.

“ Fuck- Yes, sorry. Can we?”

That's why Jisung ends up walking out of a coffee shop minutes later, with one hot chocolate in hand, and Minho by his side.

The older boy had opted to order an iced americano, despite Jisung’s complaints that it is freezing outside as the sun is settling, but Minho won, insisting that the thin purple sweater he wears is enough to keep him warm. Yet, Jisung is convinced that the pink on his cheek is due to the cold (a part of him thinks it might be that Minho is just that nervous).

Minutes pass by simply like that. 

They walk side by side down the streets in silence, and Jisung finds it interesting how there’s barely any people outside. Few cars pass by, and yet it’s rare to find a single person walking like them. 

That only deepens the silence between them.

“So?” He prompts, side eyeing at his friend.

Jisung is trying his best to keep the conversation light at first, because as much as he pains interacting with Minho, he refuses to escalate things as the last time.

Minho takes a sweet long time before answering, apparently too caught up in the white flowers of the house they walk past, taking a short sniff of their smell before sipping his drink and shuddering.

“I was drunk,” Minho sighs.

Jisung feels his heart stop its beating for a second, and his hands look for the warmth of his drink; the night has become suddenly too cold.

He stutters for a second, unaware of how to accept rejection. If Minho wanted to make things clear between them, he can’t blame him, but maybe ignoring Jisung would have worked just as fine. There is no need of breaking his heart twice.

“That’s why I sa-”

“No. Let me finish talking,” Minho interrupts him, cautiously searching for Jisung’s arm.

Despite the jacket he wears, Jisung feels Minho’s fingers gripping him softly, and the ice that was forming in the pit of his stomach begins to melt away.

“I was drunk. And you know how I am when I drink,” he’s right, Jisung knows, “I say things I meant not to, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true”

I miss you.

Jisung didn’t get the chance to confess he missed Minho back. Or maybe it was his decision to not tell him. A part of him is aware that this doesn’t mean Minho wants to date him.

He stops walking, afraid that if they farther more from their dorm, the long walk back will be too awkward from their possible stupid mistakes. 

If he is rejected again, walking along Minho for another ten minutes in awkwardness will definitely become the end of their friendship.

If whatever happened a week ago isn’t already the end of it.

“That doesn’t change anything, Minho.” Jisung forces himself to look at the older as he pronounces the words, leaning against a street lamp that has lightened up when they started approaching. 

Minho releases his arm as he follows the movement, leaning against a wall on the other side of the sidewalk. They are surrounded by plants full of winter flowers, and he can’t stop admiring the sight. 

Everything is certainly beautiful. It only makes Minho more handsome than Jisung could ever describe, with his face lit up by the lights of the lamp and the orange of the sun above the horizon. 

He pushes those thoughts away, forcing words out of his lips once again, “You said you love me a week ago, and later avoided me for days. Now you say you miss me. For how long will you be gone next?”

Minho closes his eyes and shakes his head, “I’m not leaving again.” There’s a pause, which he assumes must be given for Jisung to process the words; make a conclusion and assumption out of it, but his brain is refusing to work in such situations. 

The pause prolonged so much, Jisung fears it might become an end, but soon Minho is speaking again, this time with uncertainty creeping in his voice.

“Remember when we kissed?”

Jisung, who had been sipping from his cup, nearly chokes on it. Luckily, he shrugs it off as nothing, and Minho doesn’t raise concern.

“What do you mean?” Of course Jisung remembers every single kiss they shared. How could he not.

“Our first kiss”

He flusters at the thought of their first kiss at the party, after their penalty had been announced and Jisung barely kept his sanity together while Minho touched his skin (just like many other times).

As he sees Minho’s cheeks and nose bright pink from the cold, Jisung is convinced his own skin is burning an even deeper red from the memories.

It feels so long ago, despite it being recent.

“It’s been like a month.”

Minho chuckles, raising his brows, then sips at his drink and words out, “Not that one.”

He doesn’t keep talking, almost as if he wishes Jisung to understand with little to none explanation, almost as if he tests the reaction before continuing.

To be honest, Jisung understands, and yet a certain part of him is not sure whether he understands what Minho expects him to. He never assumed the memories would have stayed after all those years in Minho’s mind; not when it was supposed to mean nothing.

He understands, though he wishes he didn’t, and then maybe Minho would explain things to him, let Jisung know about his thoughts.

“Do you mean that kiss? When we were seventeen,” he pauses to see Minho’s reaction that encourages to keep talking. “Of course I do,” Jisung sighs, “Didn’t think you would”

(Years ago, crumbled on top of each other in Minho’s garden as the sun rose, Jisung prompted a question that he still can’t get out of his mind. He wasn’t to be blamed though, in all truthness, Minho’s parents had left that week for a business trip, and Jisung was invited most of the days, which consisted of sleepless nights and more attention from the older than he had ever gotten. 

That particular dawn, as his breath shaked from the cold, he was unable to control all the caged emotions. Minho had been looking at him despite the beautiful sight of the sky for fifteen minutes, and it was almost romantic how both their breathing formed clouds that combined in the air above their heads. Jisung’s head was pressed against Minho’s chest, glancing up to see the older smiling at him.

“Are we going to kiss next?”

Soon the words hit Minho off his trance, making him let out a giggle. There was no awkwardness as he pushed himself with both elbows and unwrapped Jisung from his body, but later tension built up as he leaned towards Jisung’s lips, and whispered against them.

“If that’s what you want”

Tentatively Jisung let his body move forward, allowing Minho to guide their lips together.

It was never brought up again, and even minutes after the not-so-short kiss, Jisung still felt cheeks warm, but Minho didn’t mention it.)

“Why would I not remember?” Minho mutters, breaking him away from the memory.

Jisung ponders about it for a second, not wanting to give away too much of his thoughts in the process of replying to the question. There are many reasons why Minho could have forgotten, most of it being that they hadn’t slept that night, and it had meant nothing.

“You never mentioned it,” he settles for.

Minho chuckles, turning his head away and taking a long sip from  his coffee, “That doesn’t mean I didn’t think of it very often”

He emphasizes each word, making Jisung cough, caught off guard.

“Why are you bringing it up now?” He attempts a laugh.

The sun has finally settled, yet the sky is only a barely dark hue of blue. The only light tracing Minho’s face outline belongs to the street lamp Jisung leans on, and he pushes his back against it even tighter, afraid of listening to Minho’s reply.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is,” Minho ponders, “That I think I love you since then, or even earlier, fuck- I don’t really know”

The older steps away from the wall, to place his hand on Jisung’s shoulder.

It’s not fair. 

It’s not fair that Minho can say those words so easily and yet create a storm inside Jisung, who has loved him ever since he can remember.

Once again, he can’t let himself be emotionally driven and get his heart torn to pieces with the outcome and consequences of his words.

The last time he left the window open for hope, it got shattered in front of his eyes.

And yet, it’s Minho.

It has always been Minho. And below all the layers of loving and kissing, Minho has always been his best friend, the one he feels most comfortable with, the one he can joke around without thinking twice.

Jisung puts his pain aside; puts Minho first, again.

“I'm pretty sure this is the moment when I tell you to back off. That if my assumptions are correct, you present symptoms of love, and correct me if I’m wrong, but quite a few years back, I was told to forbid you from love.” 

Minho chuckles closing his eyes in the shapes of crescent moons, “Silly, because the hidden truth of that rule is that I should never fall in love with someone that is not you”

Jisung is convinced the sun has risen again, because suddenly warmth surrounds him, in the form of Minho’s hand settling on his waist, and the blood rushing to his cheeks.

He manages a single question, “Why?”

“Because even all those years back, in that small bedroom of yours, curled up in your arms, I realised there would never be someone that understands me the way you do.” Minho begins explaining something Jisung thought he had known the truth of all his life. “Love hurts, and I never wanted to be in love with you because maybe you would fall in love with me, and I didnt want to hurt you. I’ve been repressing my feelings to avoid any pain between us, but I guess things have reached the point when it becomes inevitable”

He feels the need to push him, slightly smacking Minho’s arm for being extremely cautious all those years.

Jisung has been hurting for not having Minho romantically in his life, and Minho has been pushing romance away from him to avoid his hurting.

However, that is a conversation he is not willing to have at the moment, when Minho is finally giving in to him.

Finally, letting himself be exposed to the feelings.

He asks a final question, hoping that this time Minho will break free from the chains he created himself.

“What does this all mean ?”

Minho’s hand moves from his waist to Jisung’s jaw, settling softly his touch, and soon his thumb is brushing Jisung’s bottom lip.

Jisung lets his eyelids flutter close as Minho leans in to press a chaste kiss on his lips.

“It means that…” the older starts explaining between each following kiss.

For the second time in his lifetime, Jisung hears the next words. Only that now, they are whispered against his lips, burning every corner of his body.

“As long as we are together, everything will be fine,” Minho said, holding his hand.