Chapter Text
People always tell me how lucky I was to be married to Prince Atsumu Miya. But oh how wrong they were. Sure, I was his wife, but he had another. One that was beautiful. Eyes shining like diamonds and hair soft like silk. My eyes were described as ‘dim’, and my name wasn’t something to be remembered. Nobody wanted a simple girl from the village, but everybody wanted a woman whose beauty was beyond comparison. Oh, how cruel. To be frowned upon by something that wasn't mine to control.
Be as smart or as kind as you can be, but without the factor of beauty, no one would spare a glance at you. That’s what I’ve learned in the past year of living in a loveless marriage. I don't even know when the last time my husband talked to me. Heck, I don't know when the last time he looked at me!
When I entered this marriage years ago, albeit neither of us wanted this, I thought that we'd both eventually learn to love each other. It's such a shame only I had learned to love him, and he had learned to love another.
Never did I expect this. I thought that maybe, just maybe he'd love us both equally and we'd all get along fine. It wasn't my first choice nor was it an option at all until the situation came along. He married her. It was a much grander wedding than we had, but it didn't entirely matter to me. The next few days and nights passed by and not a glance from him. His eyes were always on her. Every breakfast picnic they had at the palace gazebo, every time he introduced her to nobles in galas, every smile he had plastered on his face all reminded me how unhappy I've been. Living in a big castle, married to one of the most powerful men in the kingdom, yet spending days and nights all alone, saying 'I love you's when he can't hear while he's saying it to someone else.
His other wife didn't even do anything wrong, yet I can't help but hate and be envious of her by simply existing. Every time I've interacted with her, she's done nothing but smile back at me. The only time I've only talked to her is when we bump into each other in the hallways. Other than that, nothing. It seems to me that she doesn't entirely care about my presence, but I do. I've learned to hate mirrors or anything that shows me my reflection. Constantly avoiding anything that told me that I could never look like her, be like her.
One particular night, I found myself on the sidelines of a gala. By myself as always, while the guests were busy fawning around Prince Atsumu and his gorgeous wife. The only ones to ever take notice of me were the castle staff, as part of their responsibilities, served and treated me with respect, other times I would strike up a conversation with them, getting to know the staff around here makes me feel less lonely. It was nice to know not the entire world had rejected me.
"Your highness" Lydia, one of the new maids, bowed and greeted me before offering a drink. I can see how nervous she was from how she shakily handled the tray of drinks, afraid that she would accidentally spill the contents to a noble's expensive attire. I smiled at her and took a glass. She walked away going to serve other guests, however, the tray of glass had slipped from her grip and I heard a gasp from in front of me. A woman of the nobility, shocked from the feeling of liquid on her and her beautiful and definitely expensive gown.
"I-I'm sorry," My eyes darted to where that voice belonged to. Lydia was on the ground holding her tray, with cuts forming from broken glass shards, her eyes filled with tears and widened in fear. "You spiteful brat!" The noble yelled, "Look what you did to my dress! I'll have your head for this!"
Her outrage caused heads to turn in our direction. Eyes looking at the young maid which made her tear up even more. Before I knew it, my legs had moved and stopped until I blocked the noblewoman’s angry gaze towards Lydia.
With my hand outstretched to shield Lydia from anymore yelling, I stood my ground against the noblewoman. The noblewoman was shocked to see me block her from potentially hurting the young girl, and now directed her anger at me. "And who do you think you are? This disgrace should pay for my gown." She pointed to Lydia, who was peeking from behind me. "You!" She pointed to me and yelled with a voice like a foghorn. The nearby watchers, which included Atsumu and his other wife, could only stare at the commotion in shock.
"You must be the head maid. Your fellow maid should work day and night to pay for my expensive gown. But seeing how clumsy she can get, you're better off just banning her from the castle ever again." I wanted to yell back and tell her she wasn't being fair to Lydia or to me by assuming I work in the castle, but if I were to prove that I wasn't on the same level as her, I took a deep breath and spoke with as much courage I could muster.
"You have no right to talk to me or to our staff like that. Neither should you treat her nor anyone like you're better than them because you weren't the one who worked day and night to get where you are today." My voice was starting to shake but I don't know whether it was from nervousness or anger but I continued to speak even as I could see two figures from the corner of my eye draw closer, probably to stop the commotion. "It was an accident! If you can't see past that and forgive someone for accidentally spilling a drink on the dress you clearly can afford again, then I suggest you leave and rethink about how you're living your life."
I wanted to say more but the two figures from before finally arrived and blocked me from saying anything else. To my surprise, it was the golden couple who came to my rescue. Or so I thought.
Atsumu stopped me from talking by blocking me from the noblewoman and led me away towards the doors of the ballroom while his other wife tried to calm the noblewoman down with her flawless smile and charm.
"How dare she talk to me in that manner! Who was that anyway?" I could hear the noblewoman as she asked Atsumu's other wife, who hesitantly responded with "She's Prince Atsumu's first wife." Once those words left her lips, it spread like wildfire as every guest in the room started whispering amongst themselves and looked my way with disgust. I could only look down at my feet in embarrassment until Atsumu and I eventually got out of the ballroom and into an empty study.
"How dare I? How dare she!" I said out loud as soon as I entered the study, but the loud boom of the doors closing had stopped me from talking any further. I looked towards Atsumu, only to see him fuming.
"What do you think you were doing?" He said. I didn't reply, afraid of how he would react if as much as a sound escaped my lips. "You should've just left the situation alone, nobody told you to step in and act like the hero, now look what happened!"
"Atsumu, you don't understand, that woman shouldn't have-"
"No, you don't understand!" He pointed an accusing finger at me, "Now everybody knows how you're related to me. Do you understand how this could ruin my reputation?"
I can't believe the words that are leaving his lips right now. "This isn't about you, Atsumu. Do you not care about how your guests have treated the staff? Much less how they've treated me? You're the heir to the throne for spirit's sake! You should've handled this situation maturely regardless of what happens to your reputation. It's your job as future King!"
"I don't know how to be a King!" He yelled with all his might, before turning away from me and learning on a desk with his arms supporting his weight. Silence ensued before he spoke again. This time with a shaky voice. "I don't know if I can handle all the responsibilities, all the decisions. I'm not ready yet."
My eyes softened. All the years I've known my husband, I definitely haven't seen this side of him. I don't know if anyone has. Everytime I have looked at him before this encounter, all I saw was the rising heir to the throne with a smile always adorned on his face. Little did I know all the insecurities he's hidden underneath.
I walked towards him slowly, with arms reaching out to help him. Even if he hasn't shown the same kind of care I showed him now, love knows no bounds.
"Atsumu," I said with no reply except soft whimpers that couldn't be heard if it weren't this quiet. "Oh, Atsumu. You don't have to carry this burden all alone." I slowly put my hand on his shoulder, "As your wife, I should be there beside you to support you every step of the wa-"
But I was cut off once again, my hand was roughly shoved off, and all I can see is Atsumu's brown eyes staring back into my own with nothing but disgust and hatred.
"I don't want your help." His cold voice echoed throughout the room. All his words were laced with venom. "I don't need it just as I don't need you." Without another word, he left me to pick up the pieces of my heart in the dark and empty study.
Was it too much? Was it too much to ask to just be wanted? It's all I just want now. More than grand palaces and endless riches. I just want your eyes on me for once.
My head hung low and I decided to call it a day. But I couldn't go to sleep that night. All my insecurities flooded my thoughts and tears kept welling up in my eyes and flooded down my face like a waterfall. His last words towards me kept ringing in my head like a broken record and the only way to make it stop was to come to the realization that he won't ever look at me with softness in his eyes.
If he couldn't love me, then there is only one way.
The next day I found myself climbing up the stairs to the alchemist's lab with a potion book in hand. I knocked slowly on the door, hoping to have a word with him and convince him to make a potion for me.
"What can I do for you, your grace," He greeted with a bow. I could only smile back and asked if I could enter his lab. He had agreed and I entered the room with shelves stocked with jars filled with various ingredients, multiple cauldrons bubbling until the concoction spilled on the floor. All of this gave me hope. Maybe he can brew this potion for me.
"Do you take potion requests?" I asked, a little bit embarrassed of what I wanted from him. He looked a bit skeptical which made me even more nervous and embarrassed. "What exactly do you need, your grace?"
With that, I held up the potion book, pointing to the page with the potion on it. His eyes scanned the page before asking, "A love potion?"
"Precisely," He thinks to himself for a bit, before he asks me, "Are you sure about this? There are other ways-"
"Yes, I'm sure," I cut him off before he could continue because if I didn't, he would've told me to not give up on Atsumu. And that would've given me hope. A hope that was false and foolish.
.
After last night, news of my association with Atsumu spread out throughout the Kingdoms. He informed me that I should stay within the walls of my bedroom to avoid being recognized, but it was more like he was embarrassed of me.
A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. "Come in!" and entered Lydia, pushing a tray cart with today's breakfast. "Your highness," she bowed before leaving the tray cart beside my bed where I lay.
She started to walk away but I stopped her, wanting company during breakfast. "Lydia, wait," She turned to look at me, "Stay here for a while?"
"Y-Your grace, I coul-couldn't possibly,"
"It's alright, no one comes in here to check, they won't find out,"
She reluctantly nodded her head before moving towards me. Unaware of what to do, she awkwardly stands beside my bed. I could only chuckle before informing her it was alright to sit on my bed and take anything to eat from the tray cart.
"Why ask me to stay, m'lady?" She says while munching on an apple slice.
"I just wanted company. Breakfast gets dull when I'm eating alone.And please, when it's just the two of us, feel free to call me (Y/N),"
The conversation continued from there. Lydia was starting to feel more comfortable and soon both us were sharing stories of happiness and sometimes of grief to each other. Finally accompanied, not alone, in this giant castle.
"Honestly, working in the castle is a dream come true, but sometimes I do miss village life." Lydia recalls the times she would watch the village children play games while hanging laundry or preparing the shop in the morning before a busy day.
"I miss the village too," I dreamily sigh, also recalling better times back at the small house I used to live in before I lost it all in this castle. "You ever wish to go back sometimes, even if it was just for a second, to visit the streets and just soak in the tranquility of the town?"
"I don't have to wish for it m'lady, I just sneak out sometimes," Lydia laughs while my eyes widen as an idea pops in my head. "Yo-You sneak out of here?"
Lydia begins to nervously look away, as if she got too comfortable and what she had said would get her in trouble. I had noticed this and reassured her quickly, "Lydia, don't worry, you aren't in trouble, I'm just wondering if maybe you could show me and we could sneak out together,"
"But wouldn't that get you and I in trouble if we get caught, (Y/N)?"
I smiled, "Like I said, no one checks in here for me, we can sneak out and no one will know." Quickly, I stood up and started to think of a plan, "You just have to let me borrow one of your uniforms, and make sure we get out right when the guards switch shifts."
I turned to face Lydia, who thought about it too and agreed since it was the least she could do in exchange for the impact (Y/N) is in her life.
And so it began, the day we planned to leave for a few hours has come and we carefully walked along the palace halls avoiding the gaze of the guards and maids in the way and quickly slipped to the back of the kitchen where ingredients were currently being shipped in. Quickly grabbing empty food crates, we made their way to the gate, giggling to each other about how we'd spend the few hours outside the castle. Maybe by visiting the bakery? Old friends' house? Parents' house?
Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short when a guard stopped in front of us. "Where are you two ladies headed?" the guard had asked, looking suspiciously at both of them. I opted to look away, in fear of being recognized and sent back to her room. Lydia took the initiative to speak and cover for the both of us.
"To get more ingredients for the kitchen. The head chef is making more recipes that he'd like to perfect and serve in the upcoming gala."
The guard was still skeptical after this response and looked at me, who was looking away, "A little nervous, lass?" I nodded quickly and Lydia could see that. In an instant she pleaded the guard to let us through but he refused, informing them that he would take us in for further questioning, until I finally looked up at him.
"Please," I said, the knight was astonished to see her here, eyes widening at my presence, "Please sir, just this once, before I get sent back to the castle, let me see the village one more time." eyes staring into the knight's, pleading to be let go just this once.
He sighed, "Follow me." Lydia and I looked at each other, confused, but nonetheless, followed the knight as he led us outside the gates and on the path towards the village.
Once we realized this, we excitedly thanked the knight for not only letting us go, but also escorting them outside the castle safely.
"Thank you so much, but you didn't have to go the extra mile and walk us out here," I said. The knight could only smile before responding.
"It's the least I could do after all the times you've helped me, your grace." He bowed, bid us goodbye and left us to ponder over his words.
The rest of the day was spent around the village, reminiscing about the times of the past where present problems weren't existent yet. Telling childhood stories about running around with our friends and getting in trouble once mother sees how dirty our clothes were.
As much as we wanted to stay in the town a little bit longer, time wasn't on our side. The sun was about to set and it was time to head back to the castle before night.
The walk was slow. We wanted to stay a little bit longer but then leave before night comes and this was the best solution we could come up with.
"Well, back to the castle we go, m'lady," Lydia's eyes stared at the castle as it looked bigger after every step she took. "Yeah, although I wish I could return soon," I smiled before laughing as an idea popped in my head, "Maybe run away so I don't have to go back to the castle,"
Lydia laughed along before I spoke again, "You know what the crazy thing is? It's something I'd actually do,"
Once back at the castle, back to the room I go. The next few days were agonizingly slow, although the alchemist had informed me that the potion was close to being finished. Everyday, the walls of my room are all I could see waking up until I fell asleep and I was running out of ideas on how to get rid of my boredom. It didn't help that Lydia was getting busier and busier as the next extravagant gala draws closer each day.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, Atsumu grew restless, still under fire after last gala's shocking news spread throughout the kingdoms and the upcoming one didn't help either.
He opted to clear his head by taking a walk around the castle and get some fresh air and time to think.
As he was walking along the halls, he heard a boom along with a few curses coming from the alchemist's lab. Curious, he made his way up the stairs and in front of the door to the lab.
Before he could knock, the door had opened and out came smoke and the alchemist coughing loudly.
Once the alchemist noticed the crowned prince standing in front of him, he straightened up and bowed while greeting him, albeit his words weren't audible due to the coughing.
The alchemist's lab was never full of loud noises and clouds of smoke since the alchemist inside usually works on medicine and potions he has already created before. Was he experimenting on something new? The prince's curiosity prompted him to ask.
"Yes, your highness, I've been making a new potion per request of Lady (Y/N)," Atsumu's eyes narrowed at the mention of her name, "What potion did she want?"
.
The sudden opening of the door and Atsumu's loud voice startled me, "Are you serious right now?"
I only stared at him in confusion before he spoke again, "A love potion? How desperate can you get?"
Oh. That.
"Atsumu, it isn't-"
"You're just so desperate for my attention you'd get a love potion? What is wrong with you!" Insult after insult laced with nothing but venom was shot at me. He didn't even let me speak, always interrupting before I could finish a sentence.
"And for what? For money? For Power? Were you trying to climb to the top from the start? Is that it?"
"N-No, of course not. Why would you-"
"Then what? What for, (Y/N)? Answer me!"
"The potion wasn't for you!"
Silence ensued as he stared at me, eyes widened. Why does he care what I do with my life? I don't have an answer.
In confusion and rage, he left. Leaving me to ponder over what just occurred. That potion was not made for him. I never intended to use it that way. Even if I had used it the way I wanted to, it would've been useless in this environment. So I arranged to leave.
With the help of Lydia and the guard from the day we went to visit the village, albeit they were both hesitant at first, I prepared to go far away. To enjoy a life that was finally mine to live.
The night of my departure had finally arrived and I couldn't tell if I was happy to leave or not. The lovely people I've met here, I will surely miss. The pain and the tears however, I can live without.
With one last note I've left on the desk as well as the empty potion vial, I disappeared into the night, leaving castle life behind and into a newly found freedom.
.
I apologize for leaving so abruptly and with no warning. But I hope you understand why I left – To save the Prince's name and to find myself.
To Prince Atsumu,
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused and I assure you, it won't happen again. That potion we argued about, it was not meant for you. It never was. That potion was for me, since I realized that you would never love me, I had to learn to love myself.
I wish you the best,
(Y/N)