Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Monday, 9:01 A.M.

Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims , Martin Blackwood , Basira Hussain , Sasha James , Melanie King , Timothy Stoker and Alice Tonner to the group

Sonja Zhao: morning, everyone

Sasha James: sonja? what’s up?

Sonja Zhao: I’m at my goddamn wit’s end is what’s up

Sonja Zhao: I’m sorry to do this so publicly, Jon, but you haven’t responded to any of the emails I’ve sent over the last three months

Sonja Zhao: so now I’m holding you accountable in front of your whole department

Timothy Stoker: ohohooooo this is gonna be good

Jonathan Sims left the group

Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims to the group

Sonja Zhao: do Not

Jonathan Sims left the group

Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims to the group

Sonja Zhao edited Jonathan Sims ’s administrator privileges

Jonathan Sims: Sonja

Jonathan Sims: please

Sonja Zhao: I warned you

Sonja Zhao: I have been warning you for months, Jonathan

Sonja Zhao: it didn’t have to come to this, but here we are

Jonathan Sims: ...

Melanie King: jon what the fuck have you done

Jonathan Sims: ...

Martin Blackwood: Jon did you still not respond to the emails omgggg

Martin Blackwood: I know what this is about and i have 0 sympathy for you

Sasha James: i’m dying of curiosity holy shit

Sonja Zhao: your boss, Sasha, your workaholic line manager who has been known to rack up 8am-8pm workdays, and hasn’t taken more than a week off at a time for as long as mortal memory can recall, is an absolute nightmare for the finance department

Sasha James: this surprises me not at all

Sonja Zhao: working out how to manage his time in lieu, according to no less than three of our accounting staff, is literal hell on earth

Sonja Zhao: to give credit where it’s due, Jon, you’ve got a lot better in the last year

Sasha James: @martin that’s thanks to u bb

Martin Blackwood: :)))))

Martin Blackwood: I force him to take care of himself sometimes

Sonja Zhao: well keep it up, please

Sonja Zhao: so yes, apart from the occasional early start or late finish, lately you’ve been keeping good hours

Sonja Zhao: but you don’t take holidays, and you haven’t taken any of the time you banked while Elias was here

Jonathan Sims: it’s not my fault if I get interested in various subjects

Jonathan Sims: I like to be thorough

Jonathan Sims: ...and yes, okay, sometimes I lose track of time

Basira Hussain: Hang on, what about the concert stuff from last year?

Basira Hussain: We all took days off for that, even Jon

Jonathan Sims: yes!

Jonathan Sims: thank you, Basira

Jonathan Sims: I’ve taken days off recently, Rosie cleared them

Sonja Zhao: ah

Sonja Zhao: you see

Sonja Zhao: they went through as sick days, which you’re certainly entitled to, so it didn’t make a dent in your banked time

Jonathan Sims: for christ’s sake

Jonathan Sims: you’re my boss, you cannot fault me for working

Jonathan Sims: and I make sure my timesheets are meticulous

Sonja Zhao: yes, and they say they appreciate that, and of course you’re going to get paid for it

Sonja Zhao: but the amount you have banked is steadily growing

Sonja Zhao: I also have a duty to employee wellbeing

Sonja Zhao: while Elias, ironically, turned a blind eye to your overtime

Melanie King: bc he had evil reasons for it

Sonja Zhao: exactly

Sonja Zhao: I’m trying to be better than him

Sonja Zhao: and I know previously you couldn’t have taken a long holiday because of spooky reasons, but now there’s no excuse for you to have this much time in lieu

Sonja Zhao: oh, and Jon? I’m glad you said that you recognise me as your boss

Sonja Zhao: because as the head of the institute, I’m ordering you to take your fucking flexi hours

Sonja Zhao: you’ve got about two months of institute-funded holiday, starting a week from now

Sonja Zhao: have fun!

Sonja Zhao has locked the chat

---

“the fellowship of the dingus”

frodo: did you see that?

frodo: what a fucking travesty

frodo: she can’t kick me out of my job, I’m going to go to HR

aragorn: if u’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis

aragorn: u have a paid holiday and u’re expecting us to feel sorry for u??

merry *and* pippin: melanies right

merry *and* pippin: id kill a man for smth like that probably

merry *and* pippin: jk 

merry *and* pippin: i kno ur not great w not being busy but surely u can see this is maybe the sweetest deal in the history of working ever

frodo: ...

frodo: I may be overreacting

frodo: a little

frodo: but I will go stir-crazy if I am cooped up in the flat and forced to do nothing

frodo: at least here I feel like I’m doing something useful

frodo: if I’m just pottering around London with nothing to do I promise you I’ll go insane

sam: Then i can find you something to do????

frodo: mm

sam: You dont sound convinced, love :///

frodo: that’s probably because I’m not

---

Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker

Jonathan Sims: Georgie

Georgie Barker: melanie already texted, love

Georgie Barker: you’re not getting sympathy here either :’)

Georgie Barker: enjoy your holiday!

Jonathan Sims: I am being conspired against from every angle

Georgie Barker: yep :)

---

Alice Tonner to Basira Hussain

Alice Tonner: do i tell em?

Basira Hussain: It’ll shut him up

Basira Hussain: So. Yes

Basira Hussain: Besides, I think they’ll actually like it?

Alice Tonner: good, you’re assuming martin’s going as well

Basira Hussain: Yeah of course

Alice Tonner: just wanted to check

---

“the fellowship of the dingus”

gimli: oi sims

gimli: i’ve got a place up in the scottish highlands if you want to go to not london

gimli: near this tiny village, it’s so

gimli: quaint

merry *and* pippin: wait what the fuck dais why is this the first weve heard of it

gimli: never needed to come up before

gandalf: we’ve known you for literally over a year now and the fact you have a second home never came up

gimli: less of a home

gimli: more of a safehouse

legolas: Read, cabin-esque

gandalf: ohhhhhh

legolas: And if you’re looking for things to do

legolas: Unless Dais has snuck away from me at some point over the last few years and gone to secretly clean it up, it’s a fucking mess

legolas: Not like, extreme manual labour type work

legolas: But it’s very much a place to hide out, rather than a place to live

frodo: good lord.

frodo: cleaning up an old cabin in the highlands

frodo: yes, my perfect holiday. 

---

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: You can fool everyone else but you cant fool me mister

Martin Blackwood: This sounds domestic as shit

Martin Blackwood: And doing something with your hands that has an actual physical result???

Martin Blackwood: Youre secretly loving the idea

Jonathan Sims: Martin I have a reputation to maintain

Martin Blackwood: You absolute idiot <3333

Martin Blackwood: Ill see if i can get the time off too?? And then we can work on it together :)))

Jonathan Sims: that sounds nice xx

---

“the fellowship of the dingus”

frodo: ...alright

frodo: thank you, Daisy

frodo: I’ll take it.

gimli: cool 

gimli: i’ll bring in the keys during the week ig

sam: Is there room for one more to stay??

merry *and* pippin: ur inviting me to come with on jons behalf??? ty marto ofc i accept

sam: :|||

merry *and* pippin: love u marto ;)

merry *and* pippin: go have ur cute couples getaway

gimli: assumed you’d come too, martin

gimli: so yeah, it’s fine

gimli: just don’t do anything basira and i wouldn’t do

sam: I forget, does that mean murder is or isnt on the cards??

gimli: very funny

gimli: oh just so you’re aware, because i chose this place as a safehouse, it’s very off the grid

gimli: there’s reception in the village but not at the house

sam: Bring a modem, okay :thumbs up emoji:

gimli: oh and when you get the key i’ll give you the list of stuff

gimli: how to turn on the fridge and water etc

frodo: thank you

gandalf: i’m watching tim and he’s pretty much vibrating with envy

merry *and* pippin: i wld Love to take a long holiday off the grid

merry *and* pippin: i call dibs next time

merry *and* pippin: actually just so we dont forget

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “jon and martin scammed their way into using daisys scottish house first the lucky bastards”

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to calls dibs on the house next

Melanie King changed her nickname to will fight u for the house tim

calls dibs on the house next: oh fuck off

calls dibs on the house next: says u as if u didnt already take 3 weeks of leave as soon as bitchard left just to test if u could

will fight u for the house tim: and those 3 weeks in portugal were awesome but that was then and this is now

will fight u for the house tim: like u know i don’t actually mind my work but a) a secret off the grid house in scotland is the perfect place to be haunted and b) a whole two months off is fuckin legendary

calls dibs on the house next: fair call but its mine

gimli: i’m pretty sure that’s my decision to make

legolas: Or mine

calls dibs on the house next: :0

Timothy Stoker changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to owns the house

Timothy Stoker changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to co-owns the house

Martin Blackwood changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to Will be forced to relax in the house

Will be forced to relax in the house: excuse you

sam: Its true tho :))))

Will be forced to relax in the house: mmh.

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to renting the house

Sasha James changed her nickname to wants to rent the house

owns the house: i object to the thought that they’re renting it

owns the house: i will not be a part of such disgusting capitalist actions

calls dibs on the house next: yea but it just flows

owns the house: i guess

Will be forced to relax in the house: also, Sasha, while I remember

Will be forced to relax in the house: I noticed that Sonja used the name we do not mention

Will be forced to relax in the house: no repercussions?

wants to rent the house: yeah, bc she’s the boss

Will be forced to relax in the house: never stopped you from making me pay up

wants to rent the house: yeah but you’re in the office next door so it’s a lot easier :)

Will be forced to relax in the house: wait

Will be forced to relax in the house: if I’m going to be away for this long, we need to have an acting head archivist

will fight u for the house tim: oh dibs fucking not

owns the house: count me tf out too

owns the house: if there’s one thing i don’t want to do it’s More Paperwork

co-owns the house: I refuse to be even nominally put in charge of these idiots

Will be forced to relax in the house: thank you for the glowing endorsement of what I do

Will be forced to relax in the house: but luckily doesn’t change who I was going to ask at all

Will be forced to relax in the house: Sasha, would you do the honours?

Will be forced to relax in the house: I’m sure you would have actually got the job if El*as, may he go get fucked, wasn’t looking for someone already marked he could use as a stooge

renting the house: May he go get fucked

will fight u for the house tim: may he go get fucked

owns the house: may he go get fucked

co-owns the house: May he go get fucked

calls dibs on the house next: may he go get fucked

wants to rent the house: may he go get fucked and all his socks be slightly damp forever and ever amen

wants to rent the house: ahh rule 80 my beloved

wants to rent the house: you were saying, jon?

Will be forced to relax in the house: ah yes

Will be forced to relax in the house: the job really isn’t that much more difficult, you don’t even have to record the statements if you don’t want to

Will be forced to relax in the house: the hardest part is wrangling your “team” of “subordinates”

calls dibs on the house next: excuse u we all kno im a delight

calls dibs on the house next: v easy to work with

wants to rent the house: and the fact that you immediately knew that was targeted at you says so much babe :)

calls dibs on the house next: :0 sash this is classism in action

wants to rent the house: jon i see what you mean

wants to rent the house: but yes, i will accept your offer

wants to rent the house: :D

Will be forced to relax in the house: glad to hear it

Will be forced to relax in the house: thank you

Will be forced to relax in the house: however I had better not come back to find my stationery missing or my office covered in bubble wrap

Will be forced to relax in the house: this is your one warning

wants to rent the house: noted! :)

Will be forced to relax in the house: the speed you agreed to that concerns me

wants to rent the house: :)

---

Sonja Zhao to Rosie Kendall

Sonja Zhao: just gave Jon the ultimatum

Rosie Kendall: How’d it go?

Sonja Zhao: good, I think

Sonja Zhao: I hope

Rosie Kendall: I mean, we both knew it was never going to be easy

Sonja Zhao: ain’t that the truth

Sonja Zhao: it’s fantastic that they don’t need me to interfere much

Sonja Zhao: love a department I can leave to its own devices

Sonja Zhao: but whenever an issue comes up, it’s an Issue

Rosie Kendall: At least this isn’t a supernatural Issue though

Sonja Zhao: oh how true

Sonja Zhao: wait, Martin’s sending me a message

Sonja Zhao: fingers crossed it’s not that Jon’s dug his heels in

Rosie Kendall: Fingers crossed, love!

---

Martin Blackwood to Sonja Zhao

Martin Blackwood: Hey sonja

Martin Blackwood: I know there are proper forms for this and ill fill them in etc

Martin Blackwood: But can i take some leave at the same time as jon?

Martin Blackwood: Ill take my leave for the year and im pretty sure i have banked time to cover the rest??

Sonja Zhao: you mean he’s actually agreed to take leave without complaining?

Martin Blackwood: Well

Martin Blackwood: Not without complaining, but yes

Sonja Zhao: thank the lord above

Sonja Zhao: yes you can 

Sonja Zhao: I’m just checking the finance document, and you’re fine to take time in lieu as well as 2 weeks of leave

Martin Blackwood: Sounds perfect!!!

Sonja Zhao: just checking, the archives will be fine with both of you gone?

Sonja Zhao: I’m happy enough for the whole team to cover for Jon, but if you’re down to just five people

Martin Blackwood: No thatll be fine 

Martin Blackwood: Weve just got it covered actually, sash is going to be the acting head archivist

Sonja Zhao: oh great! glad you got that sorted without needing my input

Sonja Zhao: I love that you’re a fairly autonomous department

Martin Blackwood: Unlike research??

Sonja Zhao: you did not hear that from me

Martin Blackwood: Nah i heard it from rosie, she said youd been complaining :’’’)

Sonja Zhao: not that I’m confirming these wild and baseless rumours

Sonja Zhao: but they’re not that bad, it’s just that trying to figure out inter-university sharing protocols needs so much signing off from me??? it’s a whole yikes

Sonja Zhao: but anyway

Sonja Zhao: tell Jon I’ve already done the paperwork for him, but if you could get your forms in by Wednesday that would be amazing

Martin Blackwood: Will do :)))

Sonja Zhao: thanks! and have a great time :)

Martin Blackwood: :D :D :D

---

Rosie Kendall to Sonja Zhao

Rosie Kendall: And???

Sonja Zhao: mission success!!!

Rosie Kendall: Yessssss congratulations love <33

Sonja Zhao: god bless Martin for relentlessly badgering Jon into things

Rosie Kendall: Agreed

Sonja Zhao: oh, speaking of Martin

Sonja Zhao: you’ve been complaining to him about me complaining to you?

Rosie Kendall: Oh look there’s someone at reception I need to go!

Rosie Kendall: I’ll see you at lunch byeee

Sonja Zhao: you’re lucky i love you :P

---

Saturday, 10:26 A.M.

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: go through the checklist once more so I’ve got it written down for when I start panicking on the train?

Martin Blackwood: Sure :)))

Martin Blackwood: Clothes (including pants shirts trousers socks coat)?

Jonathan Sims: check

Martin Blackwood: Toiletries (toothbrush toothpaste soap shampoo conditioner hairbrush hair ties beard trimmer washing powder moisturiser sunscreen just in case)?

Jonathan Sims: check

Martin Blackwood: Medication?

Jonathan Sims: check

Martin Blackwood: Daisys keys and your wallet and phone charger?

Jonathan Sims: check and check and check

Martin Blackwood: Stuff to do (books cards laptop and apparently scrabble)?

Martin Blackwood: (Youre such a nerd if you think were going to play scrabble like a pair of old timers :)))) )

Jonathan Sims: check, and yes we are, and yes I am

Martin Blackwood: <3333

Martin Blackwood: Ive got the modem so at least we can stream stuff and actually keep in touch with the others

Martin Blackwood: Were gonna do a groceries run when we get there, so we dont need to pack food

Martin Blackwood: Oh speaking of food, have you got the statements??

Jonathan Sims: for the record, I hate that

Jonathan Sims: but yes, I do

Jonathan Sims: a couple of folders full

Martin Blackwood: Fab

Martin Blackwood: Train tickets?

Jonathan Sims: printed, and I’ve got the email on my phone

Jonathan Sims: and I’ve got Daisy’s list of instructions with them

Martin Blackwood: Oh mint :))

Martin Blackwood: I think thats it then??? Were both packed????

Jonathan Sims: sounds like it

Jonathan Sims: see you at the station, then x

Martin Blackwood: See you soon!! Xx

---

4:13 P.M.

“jon and martin scammed their way into using daisys scottish house first the lucky bastards”

Will be forced to relax in the house: we’ve just arrived

Will be forced to relax in the house: we set up the modem as a matter of priority because I’m sure you wanted to know that we weren’t dead

co-owns the house: Good idea

renting the house: Its lovely here??????

renting the house: The view is stellar daisy oh my god

renting the house: There are cows???? Theres a field with cows and theyre all my new best friend and im going to meet them All

renting the house: Thank you so so much were gonna love it here :))))))

owns the house: you’re literally the only person who’s appreciated it

co-owns the house: Glad you’re enjoying it so far, though

wants to rent the house: how was the trip?

renting the house: It was good thanks sash! Pretty uneventful, but there was a guy who sat in our compartment for half a dozen stops and just ate crisps really loudly the entire time :(((((

renting the house: Jon was about this close to projecting his annoyance directly into the dudes head :’’’)

Will be forced to relax in the house: I was not, Martin

renting the house: My love i saw the look on your face

Will be forced to relax in the house: well, I wasn’t going to project anything into anyone’s head

Will be forced to relax in the house: I’m not El*as, may he go get fucked

renting the house: May he go get fucked

owns the house: may he go get fucked

wants to rent the house: may he go get fucked

calls dibs on the house next: may he go get fucked

co-owns the house: May he go get fucked

will fight u for the house tim: may he go get fucked

Will be forced to relax in the house: may he go get fucked and all his pants shrink a size, forever and ever amen

Will be forced to relax in the house: but I don’t have the projection powers he does

Will be forced to relax in the house: still, if that bastard stayed on the train for one stop more, I was going to get him to relate (and relive) his greatest fears.

will fight u for the house tim: lol jon

will fight u for the house tim: u: oh no i can’t use my spooky powers bc they draw from an entity that feasts on human fear

will fight u for the house tim: minor inconvenience: happens

will fight u for the house tim: u: ceaseless watcher turn ur gaze upon this crisp muncher

Will be forced to relax in the house: in my defence, it was incredibly annoying

renting the house: We were both So relieved when he left oh my god

calls dibs on the house next: so ur there right tho???

calls dibs on the house next: pics pics pics

renting the house: Well if you insist :))))

renting the house: When we first got here:

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: A selfie of Martin and Jon, standing outside a small, ramshackle-looking house. Martin is grinning widely, and Jon is smiling, looking fond but a bit dubious.]

renting the house: Main base of operations:

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: A bare living room, with a battered-looking couch and an equally threadbare pair of armchairs, and a pile of Jon and Martin’s stuff in the corner, topped with a Scrabble box.]

renting the house: And our blissful retreat from the world 

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: A small but neat bedroom, with a double bed covered by a thick quilt. A couple of suitcases stand against the wall.]

wants to rent the house: there was only one bed

will fight u for the house tim: oh my god there was only one bed

calls dibs on the house: !!!!!!!!!!

Will be forced to relax in the house: don’t be juvenile

renting the house: The cuddling is gonna be fantastic :))))

Will be forced to relax in the house: ...he’s right

calls dibs on the house: :D

renting the house: The kitchen:

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: A tiny kitchen with a large window over the sink. There’s already a box of teabags on the kitchen counter.]

renting the house: And the view!!!!!

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: Rolling, heather-covered hills stretch out as far as the eye can see, beneath a cloud-dappled sky.]

wants to rent the house: damnnnnnnnnn

will fight u for the house tim: ^^what sasha said

renting the house: Its so peaceful im in love already

Will be forced to relax in the house: we’ve done a bit of a grocery shop in the village, but we’ll have a proper look around tomorrow

co-owns the house: Sounds like a good plan

renting the house: And then??? Pure relaxing :)))))

renting the house: For all his ott grumbling jons actually really happy to be here :)))

Will be forced to relax in the house: ...yes

Will be forced to relax in the house: I am

Will be forced to relax in the house: this is going to be lovely.

Chapter Text

Saturday, 7:46 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: we need to buy washing up liquid

Jonathan Sims: if you're writing a list for when we go to the shops tomorrow, put that on there please

Martin Blackwood: I'm literally in the bathroom, jon

Jonathan Sims: and yet you have your phone

Jonathan Sims: besides, this is easier than shouting at you from the other end of the house

Martin Blackwood: Touche

Jonathan Sims: but detergent, please

Martin Blackwood: So there isnt any??

Jonathan Sims: no

Jonathan Sims: however, there is a packet of dishwasher tablets

Jonathan Sims: half empty.

Martin Blackwood: But i dont remember seeing a dishwasher?????

Jonathan Sims: exactly.

Martin Blackwood: ............

Jonathan Sims: I Know there has never been a dishwasher in this house

Martin Blackwood: Incredible

Martin Blackwood: Oh also remind me we need to get a lil bin for the bathroom

Martin Blackwood: I dont want to floss in here at the end of the day then have to bring my manky floss all the way back out to the kitchen bin when im just ready to step into the shower

Jonathan Sims: good idea

Jonathan Sims: I don’t think there’s anything else we’re missing off the bat

Jonathan Sims: apart from groceries

Jonathan Sims: but if there’s anything else I can think of, I’ll let you know

Martin Blackwood: :thumbs up emoji:

---

11:27 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: shower. caps.

Martin Blackwood: Oh nooooooo :’’’’’)

---

Sunday, 11:04 A.M.

Martin Blackwood: Love im nearly done with the grocery shopping but i have terrible news

Martin Blackwood: Theyre out of chocolate digestives

Martin Blackwood: They have the plain ones, but

Jonathan Sims: no

Martin Blackwood: Yeah i thought not

Martin Blackwood: Second choice?

Martin Blackwood: And im warning you now, theres only one correct answer

Jonathan Sims: as always, you’re right

Jonathan Sims: the chocolate hobnob

Martin Blackwood: Bourbons, yes

Martin Blackwood: Wait, what????

Jonathan Sims: no

Jonathan Sims: how

Jonathan Sims: if we were going to get digestives, the hobnob is the only natural choice? chocolate coated, a quality biscuit

Jonathan Sims: they’re oat-based, sure, but I’m after a chocolate biscuit

Martin Blackwood: Bourbons are chocolate biscuits?????

Jonathan Sims: not with real chocolate on them

Jonathan Sims: I am expecting a chocolate coated biscuit and I will have a chocolate coated biscuit.

Martin Blackwood: Oh come on

Martin Blackwood: You said it yourself, hobnobs have oats in

Martin Blackwood: That doesnt stand up to a proper dunking

Martin Blackwood: Theyll crumble, jon, theyll crumble!!!!

Martin Blackwood: Whats the point of a biscuit if i cant dunk it without it turning to soggy mush at the bottom of my mug????

Jonathan Sims: the whole eating experience?

Martin Blackwood: Yes!! Of which the tea is a part!!!

Martin Blackwood: I knew youd come around

Jonathan Sims: no

Jonathan Sims: that is Not what I’m saying, Martin

Jonathan Sims: the tea and the biscuit can be enjoyed separately

Martin Blackwood: You take that back

Martin Blackwood: You take that back right the fuck now jonathan

Jonathan Sims: I shan’t

Jonathan Sims: hobnobs are the best substitute biscuit in this case

Jonathan Sims: even if they aren’t as good a dunk

Martin Blackwood: I dont know how we can be together if this is the opinion you have on biscuits

Martin Blackwood: Its absolutely scandalous

Martin Blackwood: Ive never met anyone so wrong in all my life

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry, I’m the wrong one?

Martin Blackwood: Yes

Martin Blackwood: And im going to get the bourbons so there

Martin Blackwood: No objections??? Fantastic

---

11:09 A.M.

Martin Blackwood: Im taking your silence as agreement!! Thanks :)))))

---

11:16 A.M.

Jonathan Sims: sorry for dropping out, love

Jonathan Sims: I came out of primark and suddenly the reception was awful

Jonathan Sims: I’ve ducked into the cafe on the high street, at least I can get a bit of a signal there

Jonathan Sims: wait.

Jonathan Sims: Martin, you didn’t

Martin Blackwood: :)))))

Jonathan Sims: Martin

Martin Blackwood sent an image

[Image ID: Martin’s hand holding a packet of Bourbons.]

Jonathan Sims: I cannot believe this

Jonathan Sims: such a betrayal

Martin Blackwood: <3333333

Jonathan Sims: you’re done at tesco, then?

Martin Blackwood: Yep :))

Martin Blackwood: Ill start walking back and meet you at the cafe?

Jonathan Sims: see you in a minute x

---

11:20 A.M.

Martin Blackwood: Did you find anything at primark tho?

Jonathan Sims: a few bits and pieces

Jonathan Sims: but it’s all “decor”.

Jonathan Sims: throw pillows and wall hangings and scent diffusers, and the like

Jonathan Sims: hardly a priority right now

Martin Blackwood: Ah yeah fair call

Martin Blackwood: We can come back when weve got the actual furniture looking good?

Jonathan Sims: my thoughts exactly

---

10:51 P.M.

Sasha James to Timothy Stoker

Sasha James: holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck

Sasha James: aaaaaaaaaa

Timothy Stoker: whats wrong sash? 

Sasha James: tim i’m freaking the fuck out

Sasha James: about tomorrow

Sasha James: being head archivist

Sasha James: and i know i shouldn’t be???? but i Am

Sasha James: like i know the group won’t care who the nominal “boss” is and i know it’s not going to be much more responsibility apart from taking the occasional statement sometimes bc we all help with the recorded ones and i know it’s only for a couple of months and i know it’s what i wanted right back before all of this but oh my god

Sasha James: now it’s actually happening i’m Stressed with a capital stress

Timothy Stoker: oh sasha

Timothy Stoker: babe ur going to be just fine

Timothy Stoker: <333

Timothy Stoker: i said it back then and ill say i now, ur more than qualified for the job

Timothy Stoker: and were all behind u

Timothy Stoker: *and* i kno u know all of this rationally already

Timothy Stoker: so if u dont want to listen to me waffling on then just listen to u, bc ur smart and amazing

Timothy Stoker: u got this <3333

Sasha James: thanks babe

Sasha James: that helps

Sasha James: that really helps :)

Timothy Stoker: course it did

Timothy Stoker: im the #1 advice giver in the world

Sasha James: there was a glimmer of modesty there before

Sasha James: and then

Timothy Stoker: i just know how good i am ;D

Sasha James: you are good at pep talks, i’ll give you that

Timothy Stoker: aha

Timothy Stoker: got u there :D

Sasha James: you sure did :P

Sasha James: but seriously, thanks

Sasha James: glad i’ve got you behind me :)

Timothy Stoker: any time

Timothy Stoker: see u tomorrow babe

Timothy Stoker: ur gonna crush it, i promise

Sasha James: :)

Sasha James: see you then :)

---

Monday, 9:14 A.M.

Timothy Stoker to Martin Blackwood

Timothy Stoker: hey marto

Timothy Stoker: we were thinking of starting a new work chat w/o u and jon

Timothy Stoker: just so u guys can actually enjoy ur holiday and not have work stuff blowing up ur phone all the time

Timothy Stoker: is that ok by u?

Martin Blackwood: No i think thats a good idea actually

Martin Blackwood: Like i mean if theres stuff we need to know then please tell us??

Martin Blackwood: But if we can reduce the temptation for jon to do work that would be fantastic ^^;

Timothy Stoker: mint

Timothy Stoker: were on it

Martin Blackwood: :thumbs up emoji:

---

Timothy Stoker added Sasha James , Alice Tonner , Basira Hussain and Melanie King to the group

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “new chat to protect jon from work”

Timothy Stoker: marto said yes :D

Timothy Stoker changed Sasha James ’s nickname to madam president

madam president: oh my god tim

Timothy Stoker: only the best for u maam

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to press secretary stoker

press secretary stoker: im the cj to ur bartlet babe

madam president: tim i’m screeching

madam president: god i should rewatch the west wing

madam president: such a good show omg

Melanie King: isn’t it???? 

Timothy Stoker changed Melanie King ’s nickname to communications director king

Timothy Stoker changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to chief of staff tonner

Timothy Stoker changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to vice president hussain

vice president hussain: Probably the first last and only time there’s ever going to be a Muslim US vice president

vice president hussain: Despite the fact we’re not even in the US

press secretary stoker: wait no Fuck i shouldve made myself vp

vice president hussain: Too late :)

press secretary stoker: shitdamn

madam president: oh babe

madam president: as if i’d let you

communications director king: get wreckt tim

press secretary stoker: :0

press secretary stoker: :((((

press secretary stoker: but legit our govt office names are fancy as fuck but we dont have a cool show where all the political characters are relatively likeable so

press secretary stoker: west wing it is

communications director king: yeah our political shows are pretty grim aye

communications director king: yes minister and the thick of it

communications director king: and yet the sheer incompetence and wankery of the characters is somehow better than the genuine incompetence and wankery of the actual government

chief of staff tonner: ^

chief of staff tonner: they’re all a fucking crop of el*ases 

chief of staff tonner: everywhere

madam president: at least the west wing can be escapist in a way

press secretary stoker: gotta love that idealism

press secretary stoker: plus i just wanted to call sash madam president lol

madam president: noted and appreciated :)

madam president: okay but jokes aside 

madam president: (i’m gonna drag this conversation back on track if it kills me)

madam president: work is just business as usual

madam president: if anyone comes in with a statement i’ll help them out 

madam president: although tbh i’m not entirely sure how much i’ll do, seeing as jon reckons his “ability to get a coherent narrative from a statement giver” thing is part of being an avatar, which i Do Not Want

communications director king: good

madam president: yeah

madam president: and hopefully that means i won’t turn up in their dreams too 

madam president: so i’ll take some boring rambling if it means not compounding some poor bastard’s supernatural trauma

madam president: if we get any real ones i guess they’re just gonna have to bear with :P

vice president hussain: That’s the one bad thing about Jon being gone

vice president hussain: We don’t get to watch him chew out the time wasters

press secretary stoker: omgggg the last one???? those students holy fuck

communications director king: look i have spent a lot of time on various creepypasta forums and they deadass just copied one

communications director king: 0/10 originality

communications director king: they deserved what they got

chief of staff tonner: i mean

chief of staff tonner: i could still smell the booze on them as they went through

chief of staff tonner: they must’ve had a hell of a bender the night before

communications director king: jon going just spooky enough to creep them the fuck out was a treat to behold

madam president: to be fair he had a cold and i think he’d got about 2 hours sleep the night before

madam president: he wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit that day

press secretary stoker: ahhhh what a day it was

press secretary stoker: ull tell us if ur gonna do smth like that tho sash?

madam president: ofc

madam president: but

madam president: speaking as your president

madam president: can we start getting into some actual work now? please and thank

press secretary stoker: blechh

madam president: :)

madam president: i’ll shout the next round when we go for drinks as a reward?

chief of staff tonner: deal

press secretary stoker: yea okay im in :D

---

3:06 P.M.

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: So you know i said id tell you if i saw any good cows???

Jonathan Sims: yes

Jonathan Sims: of course

Jonathan Sims: if you’re going to go walking while I set up the bookshelf the way it Should be then you absolutely need to pay the cow tax

Martin Blackwood: Ill show you all the pics when i get back but omg

Martin Blackwood: Look at herrrrrrrrrrr

Martin Blackwood: Look at her jon omggggg

Martin Blackwood sent an image

[Image ID: A smallish Highland cow with a shaggy brindle coat. She looks out grumpily from under her reddish-brown and black-striped fringe, as if she’s slightly put out by everything she sees.]

Martin Blackwood: Spot the familiarity??? ;)))

Jonathan Sims: I have no idea what you mean

Martin Blackwood: Oho you know exactly what i mean mister

Martin Blackwood: And you bet im showing the others

Martin Blackwood: After i get home and show you all the pictures first ofc

Martin Blackwood: They dont get to see the good cows before you do :))))

Jonathan Sims: well, I should hope so.

Jonathan Sims: I’m looking forward to seeing these lovely cows

Jonathan Sims: even though you do seem to be implying I look like one of them

Martin Blackwood: Oh no, she looks like you 

Martin Blackwood: Not the other way around :))))

Jonathan Sims: I’m not sure that’s much better

Martin Blackwood: :))))

Martin Blackwood: I wont be too much longer, love

Jonathan Sims: okay

Jonathan Sims: I’m nearly finished alphabetising, I’ll put the kettle on

Martin Blackwood: Oooooo thats a treat!!!

Jonathan Sims: I can do nice things

Jonathan Sims: occasionally.

Jonathan Sims: when the wind blows in just the right direction

Jonathan Sims: and the stars align

Martin Blackwood: Awwww <3333

Martin Blackwood: You do nice things far more often than that :))))

Jonathan Sims: yes, i do

Jonathan Sims: even if my faithless lover seems to think a shaggy cow would be an appropriate substitute for me

Martin Blackwood: Even then :’’’)

Martin Blackwood: Ill be back soon <333

Jonathan Sims: see you soon xx

Martin Blackwood: See you soon xx 

---

3:37 P.M.

“jon and martin scammed their way into using daisys scottish house first the lucky bastards”

renting the house: So

renting the house: Exciting news

wants to rent the house “so” and extended typing is my favourite start to a message

wants to rent the house: go on 

renting the house: Lol

renting the house: Okay so i went for a walk through the fields around the house today

renting the house: And i met the guy who owns the farm next door

renting the house: His name is jimmy

renting the house: James macleish but thats not the important thing

renting the house: The important thing is that he introduced me to some of his cows :))))))))

will fight u for the house tim: pics or it didn’t happen

renting the house: Well of course i took pictures!!!!

renting the house: Here :)))))

Martin Blackwood sent 7 images

[Image ID: Seven photos of Highland cows. The first cow is plump, ginger and shaggy--a typical Highland cow. She’s standing placidly in a field dotted with dandelions, but has a cheeky tilt to the set of her head. The second cow is small and black, with a sharp set of horns. She looks at the camera appraisingly. The next cow is another red. Her trademark fringe has been trimmed, showing faint, golden markings around both eyes. In comparison, the cow after that is dun, with one eye visible behind a straight fringe that covers her forehead completely. She’s slightly shaggier than the others, and looks almost fluffy. The fifth cow is a stocky silver dun with long horns--she’s not exactly grumpy, but there’s something stubborn in the set of her stance. The sixth picture is the one sent to Jon earlier, and the cow’s expression seems even grumpier in comparison to her neighbours. The last cow is yellow, looking at the camera with a coquettish look underneath an exuberant fringe.]

renting the house: These are the lovely ladies who are currently stationed in the field that backs onto the safehouse

renting the house: Theyre all 10 or so which is cow middle age apparently

renting the house: Theyre just milking cows bc when jimmys daughter was about 13 she was determined to have a pet cow despite knowing the reality of living on a cow farm

renting the house: So jimmy was going to see if he could use some just for milk and then itd be the best compromise

renting the house: And they have themed names bc she named them

renting the house: So in order we have beyonce, shakira, rihanna, adele, madonna, cher and kylie

will fight u for the house tim: we’re all thinking it aren’t we

owns the house: probably

co-owns the house: If you’re thinking that Cher the cow is the dead spit of Jon then yes

co-owns the house: It’s something about the eyes

will fight u for the house tim: i am thinking that!!!

renting the house: AHA see jon i told you so :)))))))))

Will be forced to relax in the house: I beg to differ

owns the house: really tho

owns the house: if you were a cow

Will be forced to relax in the house: ...

owns the house: you can’t deny it 

Melanie King changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to cher the cow

owns the house: thank you

cher the cow: if you’re doing this, I’m dragging you all down as well

cher the cow: because there’s more than a faint resemblance between Martin and Beyonce the cow

calls dibs on the house next: i see it

renting the house: Omg

Jonathan Sims changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to beyonce the cow

beyonce the cow: :’’’’’’))))

calls dibs on the house next: tag urselves mates im kylie w the fringe

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to kylie the cow

co-owns the house: Daisy is the pale one for sure

co-owns the house: Madonna, was it?

beyonce the cow: Yep i think so!!

Basira Hussain changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to madonna the cow

madonna the cow: excuse you

co-owns the house: Madonna the cow doesn’t look like a cow to mess with

madonna the cow: i suppose

will fight u for the house tim: oh dibs shakira

Melanie King changed her nickname to shakira the cow

shakira the cow: sasha and basira pick a cow

co-owns the house: Oh no question I’m claiming Adele the fluffiest cow

madonna the cow: good

Basira Hussain changed her nickname to adele the cow

beyonce the cow: Sasha its all on you now!!!!!

beyonce the cow: Unless you want tim to do it for you lol

wants to rent the house: i am the boss now, i do not take part in such cow-related shenaniganry

cher the cow: incorrect.

cher the cow: that excuse never gave me a pass, and I do believe you were the first in the chat to engage with Martin’s message

wants to rent the house: ...

wants to rent the house: no comment

cher the cow: that one never worked for me either.

wants to rent the house: oh fine :P

Sasha James changed her nickname to rihanna the cow

rihanna the cow: hhhhhh she even has my glasses lads

rihanna the cow: i'm amazed i held out for this long

kylie the cow: yeaaaaaa babe!

kylie the cow: i love her

rihanna the cow: :)

beyonce the cow: Oh and before i forget the best part

beyonce the cow: Yes theyre officially highland cows but everyone just calls them

Martin Blackwood renamed the group “Hairy coos”

rihanna the cow: oh my god that’s perfect

beyonce the cow: If you dont think im going to some kind of shitty little tourist shop as soon as i find one and am gonna bring back a coo toy to be our office mascot then youve underestimated my character severely

cher the cow: and she will have a long and symbolic name

kylie the cow: that ur gonna insist we dont shorten?

cher the cow: naturally

cher the cow: it would be demeaning.

adele the cow: I think I’m speaking for all of us when I say that we expect nothing less

cher the cow: glad we’re all on the same page.

---

Wednesday, 10:48 A.M.

“new chat to protect jon from work”

madam president: lads i’ve just found jon’s secret stapler

vice president hussain: Of “no, I don’t have a stapler, you just need to fill the office one” fame? The stapler that he swears black and blue doesn’t exist but every document that leaves his office that requires stapling is neatly stapled, and I never see him using the office stapler? The stapler that if it did exist, would mean we don’t have to rummage around in the stationery cupboard that’s always full of spiders to find a new pack of staples????

madam president: that’s the one :D :D 

madam president: i’m gonna staple with it >:D

press secretary stoker: !!!!!

communications director king: important q

communications director king: what are u gonna staple?

madam president: ooooo

madam president: hmm

madam president: for Fuck’s sake i don’t have anything i need to staple atm

chief of staff tonner: hah

madam president: but now i know where it is!!

madam president: nyeh heh heh >:D

press secretary stoker: :0 the power

press secretary stoker: its going to ur head sash

press secretary stoker: lads we might have to stage a coup

madam president: two days after you name me president?

madam president: tim, tim, tim

madam president: i can’t believe i trusted you

press secretary stoker: just tell us where the stapler lives and all is forgiven

madam president: nyet

madam president: the secret lives and dies with the head archivist

chief of staff tonner: hm

chief of staff tonner: fair enough i suppose

communications director king: u’re just saying that bc u’re the only one apart from martin who can reach into the stationery cupboard without fear

chief of staff tonner: yep :)

---

Thursday, 4:25 P.M.

press secretary stoker: o supreme leader, o ruler of straight lines

madam president: i’m assuming that’s one for me?

press secretary stoker: it is indeed

press secretary stoker: did the bossman-on-leave tell u where “fuck off its a leitner fuck that fuckin fuck” box 3 is? bc im in document storage and i cant find it

chief of staff tonner: ah shit

chief of staff tonner: did some rearranging on tuesday to find the “creepy old avatar men: sky flavour” box and it probably got caught up with the rest of the creepy old men boxes

press secretary stoker: cheers :thumbs up emoji:

press secretary stoker: ah yep got it!

chief of staff tonner: :thumbs up emoji:

---

Friday, 12:10 P.M.

Martin Blackwood to Timothy Stoker

Martin Blackwood: Jsyk jons getting a bit worried 

Martin Blackwood: He hasnt heard from anything work related in like a week now and hes getting legitimately concerned

Martin Blackwood: Everything is fine, tho???

Timothy Stoker: oh yea its going fine

Timothy Stoker: we havent had any statement givers come in so its just been the endless mountains of filing n followup

Martin Blackwood: Ah the filing

Martin Blackwood: How i miss thee not :PP

Martin Blackwood: Ill let jon know that no news is good news!! Glad its all going well :)))))

Timothy Stoker: cheers marto :D

---

“Hairy coos”

cher the cow: is everything alright at the institute?

cher the cow: I expected there might have been questions, at least

cher the cow: but there’s been nothing, and it’s not that I don’t trust you, but I still get concerned, what with our esteemed workplace being the halls of the Beholding, et cetera

cher the cow: and you know my policy on Knowing what you’re doing, so.

cher the cow: can someone check in, please?

---

Timothy Stoker to Martin Blackwood

Timothy Stoker: too late lol

Martin Blackwood: Aw <333

Timothy Stoker: bless his lil cotton socks :)

---

“Hairy coos”

kylie the cow: yea boss :)

kylie the cow: were doing fine i promise!

rihanna the cow: and if you don’t believe tim, take it from me :P

rihanna the cow: no statement givers, nothing

rihanna the cow: believe me, that’s when you’ll get the panicked messages :P

madonna the cow: it’s been really quiet, actually

cher the cow: ah.

cher the cow: thank you

cher the cow: that’s a relief

cher the cow: I do miss hearing from you all, I hope you know that

rihanna the cow: oh jon <33333

rihanna the cow: ofc we’re all still here

cher the cow: it’s just that I can’t keep you off your phones during work hours, and suddenly Martin and I go away and it’s all radio silence?

cher the cow: I’ve been through too much to not be suspicious.

madonna the cow: ...

shakira the cow: do we tell him?

adele the cow: Probably should

beyonce the cow: I think so

kylie the cow: yea go for it

cher the cow: tell me what?

rihanna the cow: ...we actually started a work chat without you two, jon

rihanna the cow: just so we didn’t blow up your phones with work stuff, or make you feel like you’re missing out on something by not being here

cher the cow: ...ah.

madonna the cow: looks like that one backfired

cher the cow: it did

cher the cow: but now I know the reason, I won’t be so worried

beyonce the cow: We should have mentioned it, love

beyonce the cow: Sorry!!

cher the cow: no, it’s fine

rihanna the cow: but we do need a way to check in, though

rihanna the cow: on a regular basis, so we all get to see each other :)

rihanna the cow: but not have it get taken over by work stuff...

kylie the cow: o if thats what ur looking for

kylie the cow: isnt it obvious?

adele the cow: Oh

adele the cow: For once, Tim, it is

kylie the cow: thamk u basira

cher the cow: not for me, it isn’t?

kylie the cow: o but it is

kylie the cow: zoom dnd :D

Chapter Text

Friday, 12:16 P.M.

“Hairy coos”

rihanna the cow: omg zoom dnd yes yes yes

shakira the cow: who dms?

cher the cow: I suppose I’d be a logical choice

cher the cow: however

cher the cow: I’d rather play, on this occasion.

adele the cow: I’ve DMed before, but I’d rather play as well

rihanna the cow: okay

rihanna the cow: i volunteer as tribute

rihanna the cow: i’m already running an entire department, why not do this as well :D

rihanna the cow: but bc it’s my first time running a game can we not do a full campaign?

rihanna the cow: like, i’ve played a bit in my time, but i’ve never dmed

rihanna the cow: can we ease into it with a one shot?

beyonce the cow: Sounds good to me sasha!!! :DDD

madonna the cow: i mean i’ve never played before, so

madonna the cow: suits me

kylie the cow: :thumbs up emoji:

shakira the cow: which one?

shakira the cow: which one shot, i mean

rihanna the cow: oh there’s only one worth mentioning

rihanna the cow: (aka i played it once with a group of mates from uni and oh my god it’s insane fun)

rihanna the cow: beautiful space pirates

shakira the cow: oh my fucking god

shakira the cow: yes i’m down for this

shakira the cow: grant howitt my beloved

rihanna the cow: :D :D

beyonce the cow: Thats the honey heist guy right????

rihanna the cow: got it in one

rihanna the cow: and i mean

rihanna the cow: space pirates? that’s perfect for us

cher the cow: you make a convincing argument

kylie the cow: sash can i just step in here

rihanna the cow: by all means, mr timorous wee beastie stoker

kylie the cow: fabu :D

kylie the cow: yea so lads u cant reuse ur armageddonts characters :))))

kylie the cow: thats serious stupid fun, this is stupid stupid fun

kylie the cow: u with me?

cher the cow: ...fine

rihanna the cow: wonderful :D

rihanna the cow: i gotta do some Planning so let’s have the first session next weekend or so? gives everyone time to think of characters

beyonce the cow: Sounds good!!!

cher the cow: please tell me you’ll be spending time on work as well?

shakira the cow: u’re not our boss anymore jon :-)

cher the cow: ...

adele the cow: Yes, fine, we’ll do our work

cher the cow: thank you, Basira.

kylie the cow: o yea no its fine, i dont need time to think abt my character ;)

cher the cow: for the sake of everyone here

cher the cow: Tim.

cher the cow: please take the time to think about your character

cher the cow: please.

kylie the cow: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

shakira the cow: how on brand

kylie the cow: thank

---

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: Okay

Martin Blackwood: Tell me the truth

Martin Blackwood: Youre bummed you have to think of a whole new character name, arent you???

Jonathan Sims: no comment.

Martin Blackwood: Is the character name going to be or contain some kind of jon derivative???

Jonathan Sims: ...no comment.

Martin Blackwood: God i love you so much <3333

Jonathan Sims: good

Jonathan Sims: xx

---

“Hairy coos”

rihanna the cow: oh yes before i forget

rihanna the cow: here’s the sheet to help with character creation! i downloaded it off the patreon but if you guys want to take a look

rihanna the cow: https://twitter.com/gshowitt/status/1119162434642571266/photo/1  

beyonce the cow: Fab!!! Thanks sasha :))))

rihanna the cow: also we’re not using the advantage mechanic bc none of us quite understood it when i played it before so

rihanna the cow: we’re streamlining

beyonce the cow: :thumbs up emoji:

---

Saturday, 12:07 P.M.

kylie the cow: has this been long enough for me to unveil my character?

kylie the cow: pls tell me its been long enough

kylie the cow: i kno were not gonna be playing til next weekend but iv been sitting on this genius for like a full 24h

rihanna the cow: oo yeah okay

rihanna the cow: i’ve been doing a bit of rolling for plot

rihanna the cow: and my secret gm doc full of ideas is up and running, you’re gonna hate me so much >:D

beyonce the cow: Omg thats the sign of a good gm :))))

rihanna the cow: hehehehehe

kylie the cow: yes yes yes but can i introduce u all to

kylie the cow: drumroll pls

beyonce the cow: Drdrdrdrdrdrdrdr

kylie the cow: cheers marto :D

kylie the cow: so.

kylie the cow: ill be playing,,,,,,,,,

Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to titillandus studswell

titillandus studswell: tit to his friends :D

rihanna the cow: oh my fucking god tim

madonna the cow: i know you can’t see me shake my head from my own flat but maybe the disturbance in the air will reach you

madonna the cow: there will be punishment on monday

titillandus studswell: worth it

titillandus studswell: we can do elaborate backstories and abilities and touchstones etc when we set up the game proper but hes a dashing rogue with a heart of gold (metaphorical) and tits of steel (literal)

titillandus studswell: im so hyped yall

titillandus studswell: anyone else got names? i wanna change the chat 

cher the cow: and disrespect the cows?

beyonce the cow: Hes right!!! Tim you cant disrespect the cows!!!

titillandus studswell: yea but i can extra respect the sacred bonds of zoom dnd

titillandus studswell: or zoom beautiful space pirates ig

beyonce the cow: Okay yeah thats fair

beyonce the cow: Particularly bc i have actually come up with a character name :))))

titillandus studswell: yessssss marto

Martin Blackwood changed his nickname to Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: He/him, hes a vicious space dandy wholl cut you down with a quip or a laser sword just as easily >:))))))

titillandus studswell: marto i love it

rihanna the cow: well for the sake of continuity

Sasha James changed her nickname to gm and ensemble npc cast

gm and ensemble npc cast: c’est moi

gm and ensemble npc cast: literally everyone else in the world of the game

adele the cow: Which is why I got the hell outta dodge when it came to nominating the GM

adele the cow: I’ve done enough of that

adele the cow: Haven’t done character creation in ages though, but here’s a name at least

Basira Hussain changed her nickname to Viscountess Hellion

Viscountess Hellion: She/her, she’s not actually of noble rank, that’s just her first name

Viscountess Hellion: It’s a family tradition

Viscountess Hellion: Her father was named Earl, his father before him was Baron, his father before him was Duke

Viscountess Hellion: His father before him was Mark

Viscountess Hellion: (Short for Marquess)

gm and ensemble npc cast: oh incredible

shakira the cow: there are too many humans in this

shakira the cow: or at least human-style names

Melanie King changed her nickname to gorm the unflappable

gorm the unflappable: we’re space pirates goddammit, we can be whatever the fuck we want

gorm the unflappable: and gorm the unflappable is an 8-foot cube of sentient jelly (or jellylike material) who is a fuckin paragon of beauty on his home planet of gwubwux-69

titillandus studswell: nice

madonna the cow: nice

gorm the unflappable: B-)

madonna the cow: i want to make it v clear that i have never done this before

madonna the cow: but.

Alice Tonner changed her nickname to thomesse 10-k

thomesse 10-k: she/her

thomesse 10-k: she's a steam-powered cyborg

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Wait

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Thomesse

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Daisy have you

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Daisy have you just ripped off thomas the tank engine???????

thomesse 10-k: yep

gorm the unflappable: bravo

gm and ensemble npc cast: that's perfect oh my fucking god

titillandus studswell: boss its just u left

titillandus studswell: i kno u wont disappoint

cher the cow: well I do have a character

titillandus studswell: yessssss

cher the cow: he’s everything I’m not

gm and ensemble npc cast: oh? 

cher the cow: I just thought it would be fun to play a character unburdened by knowledge

cher the cow: a himbo, if you will

gorm the unflappable: u? trying to be a himbo?

gorm the unflappable: i cannot wait

cher the cow: his highest stat is daring, he’s a swashbuckler who very rarely thinks before he acts

gorm the unflappable: oh okay that bit fits

cher the cow: excuse you

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: My love youre stalling with the name

cher the cow: ...

Jonathan Sims changed his nickname to Jonny Scrimshaw

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: I called it

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: I fucking called it ahahahahaha :’’’’’’D

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Please never change <3333

Jonny Scrimshaw: no plans to

titillandus studswell: boss ur absolutely pants at names but that is completely fine bc ur characters are worth it

Jonny Scrimshaw: I’ll take the compliment part of that

Viscountess Hellion: This is looking like a good sign for the game

Viscountess Hellion: I’m looking forward to it

gm and ensemble npc cast: me too! oh man this is gonna be fun to gm :D

Melanie King renamed the group “beautiful space pirates”

gorm the unflappable: it’s official now

titillandus studswell: ayeeeeeeee :D :D

---

Sunday, 10:51 A.M.

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Can someone please tell jon to not eat cheese before he goes to bed tyvm

Jonny Scrimshaw: Martin

Jonny Scrimshaw: my love

Jonny Scrimshaw: the people do not need to know

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: No love your freaky cheese dreams need to be named and shamed

Jonny Scrimshaw: I mean

Jonny Scrimshaw: at least it was a break from the trauma dreams?

titillandus studswell: omg boss uv been having cheese dreams?

Jonny Scrimshaw: just a very odd dream from last night

Jonny Scrimshaw: but I’m well aware that telling other people about your dreams is the quickest way to lose friends

Jonny Scrimshaw: so.

gm and ensemble npc cast: well now i’m curious!

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was really nothing special

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was just a bit strange.

Viscountess Hellion: Strange enough for Martin to tell us about?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: O thats just because hes been in a funk all day and its more likely hell do something (i.e. not eat cheese before bed) if we all pile on him :)))

Jonny Scrimshaw: Martin, I do not appreciate this painfully accurate summation of my character

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Its only your own fault if you let me get close enough to you to know all your secrets :)))))

Jonny Scrimshaw: you’re lucky it comes with perks

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Good :)))

gorm the unflappable: this is making me genuinely interested now

gorm the unflappable: c’mon spill

Jonny Scrimshaw: fine, but it’ll be underwhelming.

thomesse 10-k: that’s for us to judge

Jonny Scrimshaw: well

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was just set in the safehouse

Jonny Scrimshaw: you dream about what you’ve been thinking about, I suppose

Jonny Scrimshaw: I was listening to tapes, I think? tapes I’d been sent.

Jonny Scrimshaw: for some reason, that disastrous surprise party you set up for my birthday back when we first started in the archives

Jonny Scrimshaw: when he who must not be named, may he go get fucked, wandered in for the express purpose of being a creepy prick and scabbing cake

thomesse 10-k: may he go get fucked

Viscountess Hellion: May he go get fucked

gm and ensemble npc cast: may he go get fucked

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: May he go get fucked

gorm the unflappable: may he go get fucked

titillandus studswell: may he go get fucked and all the cake he steals be a bit overbaked so its super dry forever and ever amen

titillandus studswell: i dont miss him

titillandus studswell: particularly when he pulled a stunt like that >:(

Jonny Scrimshaw: quite.

Jonny Scrimshaw: but that was on a tape, for some reason, which I was listening to. and then Martin came in, and we talked, and there were other tapes

Jonny Scrimshaw: a tape from Gertrude, where she explained everything, intended as a message for her successor.

Jonny Scrimshaw: and Leitner was on the end of that one, ugh

Viscountess Hellion: Blechh

Jonny Scrimshaw: exactly

gm and ensemble npc cast: hang on

gm and ensemble npc cast: when you did your heist, last year

gorm the unflappable: when tim and i went absolutely ham in reception?

gm and ensemble npc cast: yeah!

gm and ensemble npc cast: but when we listened to gerry’s tape, didn’t he say that gertrude had left a tape too?

Jonny Scrimshaw: that’s right, he did

Jonny Scrimshaw: I must have been thinking about that, subconsciously

Jonny Scrimshaw: I’m honestly impressed that my brain managed to fill in a plausible sounding possibility for that tape

Jonny Scrimshaw: and the logic of it is holding up even when I think about it fully awake, which is even more impressive

titillandus studswell: ur the big brain meme lol

titillandus studswell: ur brain meat is huge bossman :D

Jonny Scrimshaw: one day, Timothy, you’ll think before you speak.

titillandus studswell: nah :-)

gorm the unflappable: do not misuse the sacred nose emote for that kind of comment

titillandus studswell: nah :~)

gorm the unflappable: even! worse!

titillandus studswell: :~)

Jonny Scrimshaw: oh, and Sasha

Jonny Scrimshaw: dream Gertrude on the tape expected you’d take her place as head archivist

gm and ensemble npc cast: aw i’m glad i’m fulfilling dream gertrude’s hopes and dreams for me :)

Jonny Scrimshaw: that’s probably why it came up, actually

Jonny Scrimshaw: you’re doing a very good job as my stand-in and I came up with dream Gertrude to confirm my belief

gm and ensemble npc cast: aw babe! ty :)))

gm and ensemble npc cast: nah i’m glad that this is only a temporary fill-in gig, i would Not have wanted to go through all the big spooky

Jonny Scrimshaw: yes, well, to be honest, dream Gertrude wanted to warn you about that too.

gm and ensemble npc cast: oof

Viscountess Hellion: Okay, so this dream stuff does sound a bit close to home

Viscountess Hellion: But was it really that unsettling? I mean, sitting in the house and listening to tapes is pretty much what you’re doing anyway, right?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Excuse you basira were going out for walks and actually making this dwelling liveable, not just listening to spooky tapes

Jonny Scrimshaw: well I mean

Jonny Scrimshaw: it’s not too far removed from our day to day, though

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Shhh she might be right but theres no need to tell her that!!

Jonny Scrimshaw: ah, my mistake

Jonny Scrimshaw: anyway, yes, it would be incredibly dull if I just dreamt myself another day, even for me

Jonny Scrimshaw: even if the tapes I dreamt were... unusual

Jonny Scrimshaw: the thing that unsettles me is that in the dream

Jonny Scrimshaw: well

Jonny Scrimshaw: this is the part I’m slightly hesitant about

Jonny Scrimshaw: I think I’d ended the world?

Jonny Scrimshaw: the way dream Martin and I were talking... 

Jonny Scrimshaw: it seemed like El*as’s ritual, may he go get fucked, had succeeded

Jonny Scrimshaw: in the dream, I didn’t see outside the safehouse, but I knew that the world was different. nightmarish. 

Jonny Scrimshaw: J*nah M*gnus had won. the Eye had won. and it was my fault.

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Which is why ive been trying to get him to talk about it in here, bc ive been reassuring him in person as much as i can but it hits different when it comes from all of us at once

Jonny Scrimshaw: and I appreciate that, my love, but I don’t think that it’s any subconscious manifestation of guilt

Jonny Scrimshaw: I hope not, anyway

Jonny Scrimshaw: although I do appreciate you helping, very much xx

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Any time <333

gorm the unflappable: romance on main romance on main ew

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Pot, kettle,,,,,,,

gorm the unflappable: :-P

Jonny Scrimshaw: but I mean, I know I didn’t end the world

Jonny Scrimshaw: and we actually helped save it, so

Jonny Scrimshaw: it’s not like I’m worried about any of that in reality

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was just a rather unsettling dream.

Jonny Scrimshaw: at least dream Martin was his usual Martin self, all “if the world is fucked, let’s unfuck it” while dream me was just wallowing in grief

Jonny Scrimshaw: “mourning the world I’d killed”

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Okay that sounds like a proper you quote, but did dream me actually say that in those exact words tho :’’’’’D

Jonny Scrimshaw: I may be paraphrasing

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: :PP

Jonny Scrimshaw: I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about

thomesse 10-k: you’ll let us know if there are more, though

thomesse 10-k: i know a fuck of a lot about “nothing to worry about” turning into “a lot to worry about”

Jonny Scrimshaw: yes, yes

thomesse 10-k: right

thomesse 10-k: so there i’m reading “bullshit i will”

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was just. a dream.

Jonny Scrimshaw: ...but.

Jonny Scrimshaw: you’re right, it does pay to take precautions in this line of work.

thomesse 10-k: thank you

Jonny Scrimshaw: so yes, I’ll let you know if things get to the point that I’m worried

Jonny Scrimshaw: it definitely didn’t feel like a “spooky trauma dream”, which is why I’m not that concerned

Jonny Scrimshaw: and okay, I don’t buy into the cheese gives you bad dreams theory, but 

Jonny Scrimshaw: I may have consumed significantly larger amounts of cheese than normal last night

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: (Theres this tiny deli in the village that sells locally-made food and stuff and bc there are so many cows theres a lot of dairy)

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: (We went slightly nuts on the cheese but it was so worth it omggg)

titillandus studswell: lol

gorm the unflappable: oi bring us back some

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Aye aye :)))

gm and ensemble npc cast: okay, but still

Jonny Scrimshaw: yes, fine

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: And ill make sure he sticks to it

thomesse 10-k: good

titillandus studswell: whatchu got planned for today?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Nothing much tbh

Jonny Scrimshaw: paperwork.

titillandus studswell: ew gross

titillandus studswell: ex-boss Why in the Fuck r u doing paperwork on ur holiday

Jonny Scrimshaw: short-term pain for long-term gain

Jonny Scrimshaw: trust me, it’s worth it

titillandus studswell: :/

titillandus studswell: sure ig

Jonny Scrimshaw: luckily, in this instance, your opinion doesn’t matter!

titillandus studswell: :0

Jonny Scrimshaw: (:

---

3:34 P.M.

“fuck Elias: the band”

Jonathan Sims: just letting you all know I’ve finally got all the Fringe paperwork sorted

Timothy Stoker: ohhhhhh

Timothy Stoker: aw hell yea boss :D

[unknown]: Hooray! :oD

[unknown]: That’s Fantastic, Archivist!

Gerard Keay: fuck yes

Gerard Keay: bags not going out flyering tho

Gerard Keay: wait

Gerard Keay: either i won’t be able to interact with normal flyers, or living people won’t be able to interact with ghost flyers

Gerard Keay: yesssss i’m safe

Jonathan Sims: christ

Jonathan Sims: I forgot about flyering

Gerard Keay: hah

[unknown]: Flyering?

Jonathan Sims: standing along the Royal Mile and trying to force concert flyers on people who already know what they want to see.

Jonathan Sims: in other words, the most boring and thankless part of the Fringe

[unknown]: Nothing’s Boring If You Go About It The Right Way!

Jonathan Sims: fantastic

Jonathan Sims: I’m glad you feel that way

Jonathan Sims: looks like you’ll be on flyering duty, then

Basira Hussain: Do we want the avatar avatars doing flyers?

Jonathan Sims: well, I certainly don’t want to do it

Timothy Stoker: even if u get to dress up in costume and banter?

Jonathan Sims: even then

Jonathan Sims: because a day full of harassing strangers and polite (and very impolite) rejections can get wearing

Jonathan Sims: I’m on my holiday

Jonathan Sims: I am, as mandated by Martin, Taking A Break

Jonathan Sims: and I am Not flyering on my holiday

Timothy Stoker: lol valid boss

vriska (vriska): I’ll do it, if you want?

vriska (vriska): I’m sure I can bring in a crowd :)

Jonathan Sims: absolutely not

vriska (vriska): Just offering!

Jonathan Sims: I’m not having people at our show who were brought there by Web shenanigans

vriska (vriska): What about my natural charm?

Jonathan Sims: if you’re relying on that, then you’re definitely not flyering

[unknown]: You Said Harassing Strangers?

[unknown]: We All Know That I’m A Harassing Stranger ;o)

[unknown]: I Think This Is My Perfect Job!

Manuela Dominguez: Must come from being part mannequin

[unknown]: I Know You’re Being Snide, But Quite Possibly!

Manuela Dominguez: Half snide, half serious

[unknown]: :oD

Sasha James: i mean, we can all do a bit?

Sasha James: although tbf i think some people shouldn’t do it for “not freaking out the normal people” reasons

Sasha James: jared, love your work, but i don’t think you’d be 

Sasha James: uh

Martin Blackwood: The right fit for the position????

Sasha James: yeah, that’s it!

Jared Hopworth: oh dont stress i dont want to do it anyway

Sasha James: oh okay lol

Martin Blackwood: Lol we need to come up with a list of people who want to do it and can do it

Martin Blackwood: No im not volunteering to make that list, in case anyone thought i was :’’’’)

Jonathan Sims: we can do that later, we’ve got time

Jonathan Sims: anyway, now that’s sorted, rehearsals are more important than ever

Jonathan Sims: Martin and I are fairly settled now, thank you for giving us the week off

Agnes Montague: it wasn’t a hard ask :)

Jonathan Sims: mm, well.

Jonathan Sims: rehearsals will resume as normal next Thursday, if Helen will take us

o̶͂͜f̸͓͑ ̶̠͝ć̵͙o̵̮̕ü̴̱r̸̬͗s̵̺͝ě̸͍!̷͍͑

̴̱̉ä̷͔́ǹ̸ͅy̴̭͆t̶̬h̵͕i̸̦̽ň̵̠ǧ̷̬ ̶̱̐f̵͓̆o̴̫͝r̸͈̽ ̵̘̓m̸͉̈́y̵̫̎ ̸͉̓f̴̤̌a̶̲̐v̶͍̈o̵̪͊u̸̺͆ŕ̶͈i̷͖͘t̴̐ͅḛ̸̊ ̴̻̐b̴͉̒o̷̠͝ẏ̸͈s̵̮̓!̶͇́

Martin Blackwood: A dubious honour lol

ċ̷̮ă̴̰ṋ̵̇ ̷̻͂ỉ̶̜ ̸̘̕a̷̲͝ś̷̺k̴̢͂,̵̮̇ ̷͜͝t̵̢h̴̜͝o̵͉̾ṵ̶͊g̵̗͑h̵͔͠

c̷̗̑ä̸̲n̷̬̆ ̶̗͌ò̷̞n̴͎̋e̶͍͒ ̷͎̎ö̵͍́f̶̢̒ ̴̥y̵̙̓ó̴̖u̸̻͝ ̷͈̽p̶̮̓l̶̖͐e̵͖̓a̴̢̅s̴̻̑ȩ̷͛ ̸̧̅g̷̺͛ĕ̸̞t̴̯̏ ̷̖̊l̵̺͠o̶͇̊s̴̙͆t̴̡̾ ̷̣͌ï̶̭n̷̺̾ ̴̮m̴̰̔y̷̝͐ ̸̻̂c̵̤o̴̻̿r̶̨r̸̖̐i̵̡̓d̴̩͂õ̵̦r̷̹̆ş̷̈ ̷̫̈ő̸̠n̴̪͘ ̷̣̋t̶͍̄ḧ̶͕e̵̬̊ ̴̗͠w̵̮̎ä̴̖y̷͎̆ ̶̖̅o̸͓͂n̷͚͌e̶̫͆ ̶̝̈́d̴̨̐ä̵͇́y̸̞̐?̵̻̆

w̶̼͋e̶͋ͅ’̵̦̉r̴͎͌e̷̹͂ ̶̼̾f̸͕̈́e̸͎͊ĕ̴̖l̸̳ǐ̴͖n̵͇̄g̸͙̏ ̶͚̎a̴̧͋ ̴̖̅b̷̥̆i̴̱͠t̷̙̊ ̶͈š̴͎n̶͎̒a̷̦͒c̵̺̽k̶̫͌y̴͍͌

a̵̪͒n̸̢͠d̵̹̕ ̵̜͘ŵ̷̼ḙ̶’̶̛̦r̷̜͝e̴̡̊ ̶̻̌n̵̠̈́ô̷̲t̵͇̽ ̴̻͒a̷̗̽ ̷̙̒t̷͎͠ḁ̶̾x̴͇̃i̷̲͠ ̸̛͚ś̴̪ȇ̵ͅȑ̸̼v̸̜̑i̵̢͛c̶̯͘e̶͕̓

ẇ̶̘e̶̤͒’̸̭͂r̶̟̆e̷̼͐ ̷̤̒r̴͚e̷͙͒ḁ̶̄l̷̲̿l̸͉̔y̴͍͑ ̵̭̽t̶̜ḧ̴̤e̴̜̊ ̸̗͛e̴͍͂x̴̰͆a̵̭̓c̶̺͆t̸̨͠ ̸̣͋ọ̵̚p̸̺̈́p̵̡̑o̷̪̽ś̷̡į̸̍t̶̳̓ė̴̤ ̵̨͘o̶̢͘f̴̥̅ ̵̢̂a̸̙͘ ̵̛̭t̶̬̾a̸͙x̸̗͘i̶͕̓ ̴̛͉s̷͖͛ȩ̸͝r̷̫̀v̶̻̓i̵̪̕c̶̅ͅe̴̟̓

ỉ̵̭t̸̡̚’̶̣͊s̸̩̓ ̸̯̋t̸̠̅h̶͎e̴̳͘ ̵͍͘l̴̜͂e̴͙͆a̵̩̾s̴̤̽t̶̢̓ ̴̯̕ỵ̷̐ǒ̸̺ü̸̙ ̴̮͛č̴̤o̸̧u̵̻͗l̸̯̿d̶͚͌ ̵͕͒d̵̪͠o̸̤̚

Jonathan Sims: I’m not sure if I can?

ö̸̬ẖ̸̛,̴̰̄ ̷̯̇t̶̤͝h̵͕͌ḛ̴̉r̶̻͐e̸̛̳ ̴̂ͅí̶̢š̵͇ ̷̩̀t̶̼̽ȟ̵̘a̶̭͝ẗ̸͕́

Martin Blackwood: I mean, i probably can, but uh

Martin Blackwood: I dont really want to,,,,,,,

Martin Blackwood: Ill think about it, will that do

t̵̢͋ẖ̶̂a̸͑͜n̴̠͊k̴͎̊ ̶̜̕ÿ̵̰o̷͚͝u̶̜͒!̴̡͑

Jonathan Sims: that’s really not the important thing right now

Jonathan Sims: the important thing is

Jonathan Sims: the Armageddonts are officially playing the Edinburgh Fringe!

Chapter Text

Monday, 9:03 A.M.

“new chat to protect jon from work”

press secretary stoker: u did it

press secretary stoker: u mad lad sash u actually did it

madam president: it only took me literally two years

madam president: but i did get it professionally framed and all so i think that’s important to note

chief of staff tonner: it definitely is

vice president hussain: Daisy is that why you left early?

vice president hussain: And took the hammer?

chief of staff tonner: i’m surprised you noticed it was missing

chief of staff tonner: :eyes emoji:

vice president hussain: ...

communications director king: the one day i’m a couple of minutes late i swear to god

communications director king: what did you do?

Timothy Stoker sent an image

[Image ID: A framed certificate hanging on the wall by the entry to the archives. In an ornate script, like on a diploma or an awards certificate, a line of text reads “Britain’s pettiest workplace”.]

communications director king: i love it

madam president: ty ty

press secretary stoker: hang on we gotta send this to jmart

chief of staff tonner: you’re officially calling them that now?

press secretary stoker: yes

communications director king: it’s bad enough i have to hear you say it

communications director king: i do not need to see it written down omfg

press secretary stoker: nope im sticking w it

press secretary stoker: now sh im trying to message the other chat

---

“beautiful space pirates”

titillandus studswell: lads

titillandus studswell: look what sash did omfg

Timothy Stoker forwarded an image

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Oh my god sasha :’’’’’’’D

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Thats fantastic

gm and ensemble npc cast: tyvm

gm and ensemble npc cast: you can’t see it but i’m taking a bow rn

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: As you should :))))

gm and ensemble npc cast: ofc with you lads gone there’s a whole lot less petty in the archives :(

Jonny Scrimshaw: good to know my contributions to the workplace are appreciated

---

Alice Tonner to Basira Hussain

Alice Tonner: okay but why were you looking for the hammer tho

Alice Tonner: now i’m curious

Basira Hussain: Not telling

Alice Tonner: you’re not trying to hide things from a detective, are you?

Basira Hussain: *Former detective

Alice Tonner: excuse the fuck outta you

Alice Tonner: i still have all the training

Basira Hussain: Oh do you now?

Basira Hussain: And yet you still can’t work out why I wanted the hammer...

Alice Tonner: oh now it’s on

Alice Tonner: okay.

Alice Tonner: i left about half an hour before you did, so what could have happened in that time

Alice Tonner: nothing fucked up too badly, you would’ve let me know

Alice Tonner: so it’s something good

Alice Tonner: something you wanted to surprise me with

Basira Hussain: I’m not going to give you any clues

Alice Tonner: so i’m on the right track

Basira Hussain: No comment

Alice Tonner: .

Alice Tonner: .

Alice Tonner: did they finally deliver the alien poster?

Basira Hussain: No comment

Alice Tonner: they did! aha!

Basira Hussain: Bastard

Alice Tonner: tell me i’m wrong

Basira Hussain: I can’t, screw you

Alice Tonner: heh

Alice Tonner: once again, i am the superior detective

Basira Hussain: :P

Basira Hussain: Well then, you can put it up

Basira Hussain: Use those superior detective skills to find the right sightline for it to hang at

Alice Tonner: what nooo

Alice Tonner: i need you to run point and tell me if the height is right

Basira Hussain: Nope, you’re on your own

Basira Hussain: Good luck!

---

8:25 P.M.

Basira Hussain: For posterity

Basira Hussain sent an image

[Image ID: A perfectly-hung vintage Alien poster, showing the glowing egg.]

Alice Tonner: told you things are better when we work together

Basira Hussain: You said that when we were about to get into a firefight

Alice Tonner: point still stands

Basira Hussain: I suppose it does :)

---

Tuesday, 10:52 A.M.

“new chat to protect jon from work”

chief of staff tonner: of all the jobs i could have ever taken

chief of staff tonner: i did not want a job that included filing

chief of staff tonner: and yet

madam president: oh noooo sorry daisy

chief of staff tonner: literally not your fault

chief of staff tonner: it’s not even jon’s

chief of staff tonner: but when the most exciting part of my day is figuring out exactly how gertrude put these boxes together

chief of staff tonner: it ain’t what i’m used to

madam president: oof

chief of staff tonner: that said i cannot fucking find the other half of trevor herbert’s statement and i’m slowly descending into a murderous rage

chief of staff tonner: who knew the hunt could be invoked when it comes to fkn paperwork

vice president hussain: Probably doesn’t help that it’s a Hunt statement

chief of staff tonner: probably the fuck not

communications director king: wait u know who could probably help u find shit

communications director king: gerry

madam president: !!!! good idea

madam president: i’ll read him out

---

10:59 A.M.

madam president: i’ve filled gerry in on all the details re jon not being here

madam president: oh i need to add him to the new chat too hang on

Sasha James added Gerard Keay to the group

Gerard Keay: cheers ig

press secretary stoker: WAIT gezza before we go any further u need a nickname

press secretary stoker: a political one hang on

Timothy Stoker changed Gerard Keay ’s nickname to personal aide to the president keay

personal aide to the president keay: well actually

Gerard Keay changed his nickname to personal aide to the president delano

personal aide to the president delano: because fuck my bitch mother

press secretary stoker: my bad man!!!

press secretary stoker: but fuck yea go u

press secretary stoker: :thumbs up emoji:

personal aide to the president delano: daisy, you were after me for smth?

chief of staff tonner: yeah

chief of staff tonner: do you have any idea how gertrude organised her files?

personal aide to the president delano: none at all

personal aide to the president delano: or rather

personal aide to the president delano: i know how she organised her files, which was to stuff any old bits of shit in any old boxes

personal aide to the president delano: she thought it’d confuse el*as, may he go get fucked

madam president: may he go get fucked

vice president hussain: May he go get fucked

communications director king: may he go get fucked

press secretary stoker: may he go get fucked

chief of staff tonner: may he go get fucked

personal aide to the president delano: may he go get fucked and all his beer be flat forever and ever

personal aide to the president delano: ah what a wanker

personal aide to the president delano: man i remember the precautions gertrude used to take

personal aide to the president delano: she cut all the eyes out of the people on her book covers etc

personal aide to the president delano: so el fucko couldn’t use em to see out of

communications director king: wait

communications director king: you have

communications director king: a *lot* of eye tats

personal aide to the president delano: yeppo

personal aide to the president delano: long sleeves gloves scarf

personal aide to the president delano: it all had to be covered up

press secretary stoker: taking no visible tats to a whole new level

personal aide to the president delano: no shit

personal aide to the president delano: the hilarious thing is that she wouldn’t have minded if i had a giant dick tattooed across my face or anything like that

personal aide to the president delano: but just bc they were eyes

press secretary stoker: wait

press secretary stoker: if el*as was gonna be using ur tattoo eyes to look out of

press secretary stoker: does that mean

personal aide to the president delano: i’m stopping that train of thought right the fuck there

chief of staff tonner: thank you

chief of staff tonner: for all our sakes

personal aide to the president delano: i was gonna raise that with gertrude once actually, but she definitely stopped that convo dead in the water

personal aide to the president delano: i kinda miss her actually

personal aide to the president delano: she was a stone cold bitch but we respected each other 

personal aide to the president delano: much prefer the vibes in the archives atm though

madam president: we try our best :)

chief of staff tonner: this is all v touching but it’s not helping me find the rest of the herbert statement

personal aide to the president delano: oh you’re after that one!

personal aide to the president delano: i actually split that one up 

personal aide to the president delano: (sue me, i was going through a vampire phase and his statement was interesting)

personal aide to the president delano: hang on a sec and i’ll be right down

chief of staff tonner: thank you a mill

---

12:36 P.M.

communications director king: wait

communications director king: gerry

communications director king: if u’re missing the old archives

communications director king: it’s cursed noticeboard day today

communications director king: we just burn all the truly cursed notices out in the back courtyard

communications director king: u in?

personal aide to the president delano: yes yes oh my fucking god yes

communications director king: fab, i’m on duty today

communications director king: i’ll come get u when i’m about to do it

personal aide to the president delano: fuck yes

---

1:51 P.M.

Melanie King sent an image

[Image ID: Melanie, Tim, Daisy, and a slightly-transparent Gerry are gathered around a bin in the courtyard. The contents of the bin are very clearly on fire. Gerry, particularly, looks delighted.]

communications director king: the most joy to ever come out of the cursed noticeboard

madam president: :D

personal aide to the president delano: i’m not sure why we haven’t got on this one yet

personal aide to the president delano: but guys

personal aide to the president delano: i need a ghost lighter

chief of staff tonner: yes you do

press secretary stoker: i promise u were on it

personal aide to the president delano: cheers :D

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “arsonists united”

madam president: why am i suddenly worried about jon’s reaction when he gets back

press secretary stoker: bc u think half the archives is gonna b missing?

madam president: yes, tim.

madam president: somehow, you’ve hit on it exactly

press secretary stoker: its a gift

madam president: :P

---

Wednesday, 9:29 A.M.

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: I’m not going to yell to you from the other end of the house, but Martin, can you please not leave your dishes in the sink

Jonathan Sims: it’s unhygienic

Martin Blackwood: Im going to get back to them, i was just gonna clean my teeth and get dressed properly first

Jonathan Sims: yes

Jonathan Sims: sorry.

Jonathan Sims: I’m just feeling a bit touchy about hygiene this morning

Jonathan Sims: I didn’t mean to snap

Martin Blackwood: Me neither

Martin Blackwood: Sorry

Martin Blackwood: Didnt get a fantastic nights sleep 

Jonathan Sims: ...I suspect I might’ve been the cause of that.

Martin Blackwood: A bit

Martin Blackwood: Having your partner sit bolt upright next to you in bed at four in the morning isnt that great for a nice continuous sleep

Jonathan Sims: sorry, again

Martin Blackwood: Is it those dreams?? Is it something i need to be worried about???

Jonathan Sims: yes and no, in that order.

Martin Blackwood: Alright

Martin Blackwood: I trust you, but i dont like this

Jonathan Sims: it’ll be fine, I promise you

Martin Blackwood: Im gonna hold you to that, okay???

Jonathan Sims: I’d be disappointed if you didn’t x

Martin Blackwood: Good

Martin Blackwood: :))

Jonathan Sims: lazy morning this morning, if we both didn’t sleep well? I was thinking of maybe attempting some muffins later

Martin Blackwood: Lazy morning sounds good

Martin Blackwood: Muffins sound better :))))

Jonathan Sims: alright x

---

8:07 P.M.

Melanie King to Jonathan Sims

Melanie King: hey bitch

Jonathan Sims: ass

Jonathan Sims: good evening

Melanie King: :-)

Jonathan Sims: what can I do for you?

Melanie King: g says if u don’t bring a toy cow back for the admiral u’re dead to her

Jonathan Sims: tell her to text me herself

Melanie King: her phone’s on the bench just starting to charge and the admiral is on her lap

Melanie King: she says “u wouldn’t be so heartless to make me dump him off, would u jon?”

Jonathan Sims: ...I would not

Melanie King: so yep

Melanie King: u’re stuck with me

Jonathan Sims: awful.

Melanie King: for both of us

Jonathan Sims: tell Georgie that if she doesn’t think it was the first thing I bought, then I don’t know why we’re still friends

Melanie King: noted

Melanie King: ok she says “good”

Melanie King: “i still have faith in him”

Jonathan Sims: huzzah for that

Melanie King: what did u two get up to today?

Jonathan Sims: not much, to be honest.

Jonathan Sims: made muffins

Melanie King: what sort? and be aware there *is* a right answer

Jonathan Sims: chocolate chip

Melanie King: good

---

Georgie Barker to Jonathan Sims

Georgie Barker: send muffin pics 

Jonathan Sims: how’s that phone charging?

Georgie Barker: i got mels to get it for me bc muffins are too important

Jonathan Sims: I see.

Georgie Barker: so???

Jonathan Sims: fine

Jonathan Sims sent an image

[Image ID: A plate piled high with chocolate chip muffins. They look fairly rustic, but they are large and hearty.]

Georgie Barker: holy Fuck

Georgie Barker: as soon as you get back you’re baking for me

Jonathan Sims: uh

Jonathan Sims: yes, ma’am

Georgie Barker: ok love you :)

Georgie Barker: i’m on 9% so i’ll ttyl :)

Jonathan Sims: yes, yes, goodbye

Georgie Barker: <3

---

Thursday, 9:11 A.M.

“fuck Elias: the band”

Jonathan Sims: I know it’s exceptionally late notice, but any notice is better than no notice

Jonathan Sims: but I’ve had an idea about the setting of r+j in space

Jonathan Sims: it shouldn’t change anything in the songs

Jonathan Sims: we’ll have to rewrite a couple of bits of narration, but I’m pretty sure I know how to make that work

mike: what’s the change?

Jonathan Sims: if we put it in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, rather than an exodus situation

Jonathan Sims: the changes are fairly minor, actually

Jonathan Sims: bunkers, rather than transport ships

Jonathan Sims: and changing the provisional title from r+j in space, of course

Jonathan Sims: and I think it’ll make the Fryer’s character work a bit more logically

Martin Blackwood: Oh cheers love :)))

[unknown]: Oh, Very Nice!

[unknown]: You Know Me, I’m All For Apocalyptic Wastelands! :o)

[unknown]: But Why The Change Of Heart?

Jonathan Sims: just a feeling

Jonathan Sims: I’m picking up a bit of inspiration from various sources

Martin Blackwood: Jon if its about those dreams again

Jonathan Sims: ...possibly.

Jonathan Sims: but I still think it’s a good idea

Jonathan Sims: so if we can have a think about it to discuss it tonight? that would be wonderful

daisy: you’re absolutely sure it’s not gonna change anything in the songs?

Jonathan Sims: pretty sure

daisy: good

daisy: i can only deal with learning one longass set of lyrics

Jonathan Sims: no, I think you’re safe there

daisy: fab

Agnes Montague: actually if we’re talking band prep can we finally get the encore sorted?

Agnes Montague: I know we’ve picked the song but we still need to get on with the rewrite

Sasha James: we were agreed it’s gonna be el*as bashing, right?

Agnes Montague: well of course

Jonathan Sims: the chance to substitute one letter in the “duck” of Moby Duck is too good to pass up.

Timothy Stoker: actually i was thinking in the first verse

Timothy Stoker: “i thought the archives would mean peace for me / but that was a mistake / for the place i chose was bedeviled by a boss who stole my cake”

Timothy Stoker: minimal rewriting

Timothy Stoker: but gets the petty across

Jonathan Sims: this may be the first and only time I say this to you, Tim

Jonathan Sims: but that is a masterpiece

Timothy Stoker: cheers cheers cheers

Agnes Montague: nice!

Agnes Montague: we can work on the rest tonight then

Jonathan Sims: sounds perfect

Jonathan Sims: see you all then

---

Friday, 4:26 P.M.

“beautiful space pirates”

titillandus studswell: whos hyped for bsp tomoro ayeeeee

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Me omg

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: I cannot wait

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Thank christ for zoom 

Viscountess Hellion: Okay but where did Zoom actually come from?

Viscountess Hellion: It was all Skype until just recently 

Viscountess Hellion: And now suddenly Zoom is the new big video calling platform? For no apparent reason?

gm and ensemble npc cast: good question

gm and ensemble npc cast: next question

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Jon do you have any ideas???

Jonny Scrimshaw: not really

Jonny Scrimshaw: apparently the Eye isn’t too concerned about which form of video calling is the most used

gorm the unflappable: mkay but u’d think that googly mcfucko would have some kind of interest in video calling

Jonny Scrimshaw: good point actually

Jonny Scrimshaw: I think it just appreciates that something is being used

Jonny Scrimshaw: it’s not too worried about the exact means

gorm the unflappable: fair cop

titillandus studswell: a n y w a y

titillandus studswell: were not bringing any more spooky than normal into zoom dnd pls

Jonny Scrimshaw: I make no promises

titillandus studswell: lol boss

gm and ensemble npc cast: ahem

titillandus studswell: sorry new boss

titillandus studswell: i mean, lol ex-boss

titillandus studswell: the prophesied boss who will someday return

titillandus studswell: the once and future boss

Jonny Scrimshaw: or, alternatively, you could call me by my name?

Jonny Scrimshaw: it’s Jonathan, Jon for short

Jonny Scrimshaw: in case you weren’t aware

titillandus studswell: no that doesnt sound right

titillandus studswell: and i mean weve only got ur word for that

titillandus studswell: i only call u boss

titillandus studswell: daisy calls u sims

titillandus studswell: melanie calls u oi or bitch

gorm the unflappable: :thumbs up emoji:

gm and ensemble npc cast: hey i call him jon!

titillandus studswell: soz babe but u dont count in this case

gm and ensemble npc cast: rude

titillandus studswell: u love me ;)

titillandus studswell: anyway boss

titillandus studswell: marto only calls u love nowadays

titillandus studswell: or schmoopie or snuggle bear maybe

Jonny Scrimshaw: Martin.

Jonny Scrimshaw: that was private.

Jonny Scrimshaw: how could you let that slip?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq: I didnt mean to!!!!

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: It must have slipped out at work one day im so sorry!!!

titillandus studswell: wait what

titillandus studswell: that was a joke wait marto wdym?????

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Um

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Nothing?

titillandus studswell: :0

titillandus studswell: boss

titillandus studswell: marto

titillandus studswell: pls

titillandus studswell: im begging u pls

---

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: I mean, he doesnt need to know we dont actually have ridiculous pet names, right

Jonathan Sims: of course not

Jonathan Sims: I’d like to see how elaborate we can make them over the next few weeks before he twigs

Martin Blackwood: Perfect :’’’’)

Martin Blackwood: Ofc i could start calling you schmoopie or snuggle bear if you wanted?? ;))

Jonathan Sims: I will stab you with the salad fork if you so much as try.

Martin Blackwood: Whatever you say, snuggle bear :’)))

Jonathan Sims: Oh Dear (:

Jonathan Sims: It Is Now Time To Stab My Boyfriend (:

Martin Blackwood: O fuck now youre texting like nikola thats a Bad Sign

Jonathan Sims: (:

Martin Blackwood: Im running away now omg ^^;

Jonathan Sims: never say I don’t follow through on my promises

Martin Blackwood: Of course not, love <33

Jonathan Sims: xx

---

“beautiful space pirates”

titillandus studswell: im pleading for more details u guys

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: No :)))

titillandus studswell: D:

Jonny Scrimshaw: maybe. one day. if you’re very, very lucky.

titillandus studswell: :D

titillandus studswell: im gonna live in hope

Jonny Scrimshaw: and I admire your optimism

gm and ensemble npc cast: dragging this back on track, we’re all locked in for tomorrow?

gm and ensemble npc cast: does 11 work for everyone?

titillandus studswell: absolutely :D

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Suits us!!! :)))

Viscountess Hellion: Us too

Viscountess Hellion: Should be good, I’m looking forward to it :)

thomesse 10-k: and i’ll admit i’m interested, so

gorm the unflappable: yeah i’m good too!

gm and ensemble npc cast: fantastic!!!

gm and ensemble npc cast: cannot wait, i’ll see y’all then! :)

---

Saturday, 10:58 A.M.

gm and ensemble npc cast: okay hang on

gm and ensemble npc cast: i’m just setting up the zoom

gm and ensemble npc cast: .........and here we go!

gm and ensemble npc cast: Hi there, Sasha James is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Join from a PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone or Android device:
    Please click this URL to start or join: https://zoom.us/j/871479521?pwd=SFhUUhHGZOeXdtOXdPaDBEa9tQT09
    Password: 0092204

Chapter Text

[Transcript description: A Zoom video call. The first open screen shows Sasha, the host of the meeting, sitting at her kitchen table. A cupboard and a few shelves are visible in the distance behind her, and she shifts in her chair as she waits for the others to enter the call. A moment later, a new screen pops up, revealing Tim, sitting at a desk with a wide grin on his face.]

Tim: Sasha!

Sasha: Tim! First one!

Tim: You know it, babe! Oh man, I’m so excited for this!

Sasha: Couldn’t tell.

[Tim snorts.]

Tim: God, I haven’t played a proper tabletop for... oof, ages! Are you ready for character voices? I’m so ready for character voices.

Sasha, dryly: Are you, now.

Tim: Excuse me for being excited, Sasha McSashface, but this is gonna be mint, I know it! When the others get their arses here, I guess.

[As he says that, a third screen pops up. Jon and Martin are sitting together in the safehouse, and are sharing the call. Martin has an arm slung around the back of Jon’s chair, and they both look a bit more relaxed than usual. They wave, before the sound kicks in.]

Tim: Marto! Boss!

Martin: Tim! Aw, it’s good to see your face properly! And Sasha!

Jon, dryly: It’s only been a couple of weeks. And the group chat’s been active most days.

[Tim pouts.]

Tim: Two weeks is long enough, boss, that’s long e-fucking-nough.

Jon: I don’t know, I was rather enjoying the peace and quiet. 

[Martin playfully bumps his shoulder against Jon’s, and Jon’s fake-stern expression softens into a warm smile.]

Tim: Hah! Gotcha!

[Sasha sticks her tongue out, then smiles genuinely at Jon and Martin.]

Sasha: It is good to see you both! It feels like you only left yesterday, but also like you’ve been away for months... What have you been getting up to?

Martin: Nothing much! It’s been fantastic, actually, not having to get up and go to work for my slavedriver boss, you know. Still, it means I’m spending all my time with him, so...

[This time, Jon returns fire with a sharp poke to Martin’s ribs, which startles a laugh out of him.]

Martin: See what I have to deal with?

Tim: Marto, you poor thing!

[Martin pouts dramatically and nods.]

Jon: We’ve actually just been doing the place up a bit, making it a bit more homely, that sort of thing. And we’ve been walking a lot, which has been nice. 

Martin: Mm, yeah. The weather’s been holding lovely, actually!

Sasha: Oh fantastic! How are the cows?

[Martin and Jon both grin, but before they get into their answer, another panel appears on the screen. In this panel, we can see Daisy and Basira, sitting next to each other. On the wall behind them is a perfectly-hung Alien poster.]

Martin: Hi!

Daisy: Hey.

[She spots the new couch cushions, and the edge of a coffee table.]

Daisy: That looks new.

Basira: Looks good.

Martin: We haven’t done that much, but we’re getting there! We’ve ordered a shelving unit, so hopefully that’ll come in the next few days.

Daisy: Remind me to sort you both out for cash there, it’s not fair that you’re buying furniture for our place.

Jon: Thanks. 

Martin: He’s keeping the running tally, seeing as he’s got perfect spooky recall.

[Daisy nods and shrugs.]

Daisy: Fair enough. 

[Yet another panel appears on the screen, showing Melanie scrunched up in her computer chair. The shelf to her side is full of What the Ghost and Ghost Hunt UK paraphernalia, merch and props.]

Melanie: Sorry I’m late, lads.

Georgie, calling out from offscreen: My fault!

[She walks into the room and bends down so her face is visible in the shot.]

Georgie: Long story, but the short version is Minecraft.

Daisy: ...I won’t ask.

Tim: I will!

Georgie: ...uh, I think Daisy’s got the right of it this time. Hey, everyone!

[Her eyes widen as she sees Jon and Martin’s feed.]

Georgie: Fuck, Jon, you’re looking well! I guess the eye bags are permanent, seeing as I’ve never seen you without ‘em, but even so! I like relaxed Jon!

Jon: Cheers, I suppose. 

[Georgie grins at him.]

Georgie: I should probably let you get to it, then?

Melanie: Maybe, hon.

[She tilts her head up, and Georgie kisses her on the forehead.]

Georgie, to Melanie: I’ll just be in the bedroom.

[Melanie nods.]

Georgie, to everyone: Have fun!

[There’s a chorus of assent, and a further chorus of goodbyes as she leaves the room.]

Sasha: Shall we get into it?

Tim: I think I’ll actually die if we don’t. 

Jon, dryly: Let’s wait.

Basira: Knowing him, his funeral plans would be way too over the top.

Jon: Hm, that’s true. Alright, it’s probably best we get on with it.

Sasha: Great! Let’s get into character stuff! I know all your character names, and I think you gave me brief bios in the chat before, but can we do stats? You know the mechanics, right? A d10, d8 and d6 to the three stats, from your best to your worst. If you come up against a problem you need to solve, I’ll make you roll one of those, against a task number I assign based on the difficulty of the task. Roll the task number or higher and you succeed, lower and you fail. If you fail, the task number drops by one, so you or someone else can keep rolling, and it’ll be easier, but you also pick up a peril point.

Melanie: Which means nothing at the time?

Sasha: Yeah, but if you ever roll equal to or lower than your peril score, you’re “in peril” and you can’t do anything until one of your crewmates saves you, or you burn a touchstone, which we’ll get into in a sec. Stats first, though?

Tim: Mkay! I’ve got this sorted, so I’ll jump in? Tits, because that’s what his friends call him and the crew are definitely his friends--

Basira: I’m going to regret all your decisions in this game, aren’t I?

Tim: You definitely are, but you love me anyway!

Basira: Apparently.

[She smiles, crooked but genuine, and Tim grins back.]

Tim: Anyway, Tits has a d10 in daring, a d8 in handsome, and a d6 in vicious. Ooh, and we get abilities, right? One per scene and one per session?

Sasha: Someone’s been reading his sheet!

Tim: I’ve been so excited for this, Sash, you’ve got no idea. My once per scene is that I can find a chandelier in a beneficial location, and my once per session, I can find a party happening nearby (that I’m invited to).

Daisy: Nice. Uh, I guess I’ll go next? Thomesse--

Martin: She needs a nickname.

Daisy: What?

Melanie: He’s right. Thomesse 10-K is too long, especially for pirates to use.

Sasha: Thom?

Daisy: Nah. Going back to character basics, she’d go by class. 10-K. Or “Tank”.

Sasha: Oh, perfect.

Daisy: Tank’s d10 is vicious, d8 daring, d6 handsome.

Sasha: Cool, cool.

Daisy: And her per scene ability is to find a laser-flintlock, or declare that one malfunctions, and her per session is to trigger a Mexican standoff in her favour.

Melanie: Hang on, just checking--handsome is to do with persuasion, right? Like, it’s a charisma score, not objective physical beauty?

Sasha: Yep, that’s it!

Melanie: Then Gorm’s d10 is in handsome, d8 in vicious, and d6 in daring. Uh, an eight-foot cube of jelly isn’t gonna be particularly great at running and jumping and scaling space rigging.

Jon: But the epitome of himbo, Jonny Scrimshaw, is. 

[Martin snorts, and Jon shoves him lightly.]

Jon: I’m doing this to escape from myself, remember? So. D10 daring, d8 handsome, d6 vicious. 

Tim: Good stats, good stats.

Jon: ...I’ve picked the same stats as you, haven’t I?

[Tim nods with glee. Jon fake-sighs.]

Jon: And before you ask, no, his once per scene isn’t going to be “work out what an NPC is most afraid of”, or “tell us a useful fact about this alien’s culture.” For once, I’m not going to be linked to the Eye!

Sasha: So what are his abilities?

Jon: “Find a rope, rigging, or crane apparatus,” and per session, “find an unattended vessel just when you need one.”

Melanie: Oi, you butted in before I chose my abilities!

Jon, with an elaborate little seated bow: My apologies.

Melanie, with equal fake gravitas: Thank you. Yeah, so I literally couldn’t pass up “recruit a space ghost with neospiritualism rituals,” so that’s my per session. Gorm’s once per scene ability is... uh... okay, “find a window or airlock in a useful location.”

Sasha: Neat! Right, who are we missing still?

Martin: Me and Basira, I think! Uh, Aloysius’s main stat is vicious, then handsome, then daring. And abilities... Once per scene is gonna be the “working out what makes a character afraid” one, and once per session is that I can channel my sorcerous ancestry into a star spell.

Basira: And that means, exactly...?

Martin: Dunno, we’ll find out when it happens!

[Basira shrugs.]

Basira: Fair enough. 

[She glances down at her notes.]

Basira: So, Viscountess will be handsome first, then daring, and the d6 in vicious. She can determine what an NPC wants right now, once per scene, and per session, I can declare an NPC is madly in love with her.

Tim, holding in giggles: So what you’re saying is... you can see that what an NPC wants, right now... is her?

Basira, thoughtfully: Quite possibly. Yes.

[Sasha nods decisively.]

Sasha: Fantastic! So, there’s one last thing to sort out before we get playing. I mentioned touchstones earlier? A touchstone is someone or something that you can call on to rescue you from peril. Everyone gets two touchstones, and when you use one, you lose it and your peril resets to zero. You’re safe--oh, but you have to narrate the tearful goodbye scene. 

[Jon nods thoughtfully.]

Sasha: Right, so I’ve actually heard this game get played before, and that group made a touchstone change that I prefer, actually, so. In this game, I’m gonna say Clarabelle-003 is a time-travelling private detective, that okay with everyone?

[There’s a chorus of nods and murmurs of agreement.]

Sasha: Great! Okay then, roll up your touchstones!

Jon: Should I go first?

Sasha: Sure.

Jon: Right, I’ve got a ten?

Sasha: I love this one, I love this one so much. That is “Jezail Fleurdelys, rampant space wizard.”

Jon, shaking his head with a grin: Good lord. 

Tim: Sorry, sorry, what -ail?

Sasha: Jezail. Jez , Jez with an e, not with an i.

Tim: Suuuure it is.

Sasha: It’s on your own fucking sheet, Tim!

Jon, quickly: And a seven, which is... aha. Clarabelle-003, a time-travelling private detective and my on-again, off-again paramour.

Martin: Should I be worried?

Jon: Not at all, love--she’s only on-again, off-again. You’re always.

[Martin grins, then rolls.]

Martin: Uh, I’ve rolled an eight and a five, so that’s... Kin, um, Kinus... 

[He frowns and squints at his sheet, before slowly reading:]

Martin: Kinesthelesian. God, that’s a tough one. Uh, he’s a crystal horse I’ve ridden since I was a child. Who can talk, apparently. And five is an orbital pleasure satellite stolen from the bad-tempered King of Jupiter.

Tim: Oooh, I’ve got the horse too! And Serratio Kingson, a beautiful space prince with literal emerald eyes. Fuck, this game is gonna be good.

Sasha: Just butting in, if someone uses a shared touchstone, it sets everyone who has that touchstone’s peril back to zero, but it’s gone for both of you.

Tim: Cool, that’s cool.

Martin: Yep, okay.

Basira: And I’ve got a nine and a four, which is Audacious Fandango, galactic mountebank and interstellar highwayperson, which as a description I actually love, and Terpsichore’s Vaunt , a star-skimmer that’s been in my family for generations.

Jon: You’ve canonically got a long family line, don’t you? So that fits quite well.

[Basira nods, and Daisy steals her dice and rolls.]

Daisy: Yep, so I’ve got Amaranth-9, an embodied ship’s computer in the form of a shifting hologram--we probably get on because we’re robots, computers, whatever. Synthetic. 

Melanie: Nice immersion.

Daisy: Ta. And that’s an eleven, which is Castor Wolfhowl, pangalactic...

Jon, guessing why she hesitated: Daguerreotypist. A photographer, back in the days of those old-fashioned cameras. 

Daisy, raising an eyebrow: Is that because of the Eye, or did you actually know that one?

Jon: ...I’ve been through a few odd and very involved research dives in my day.

[Daisy nods in satisfaction.]

Daisy: Thought so. So yep, a pangalactic one of those, and canny muckracker.

Melanie: So now it’s me, and... a one, which is... Abernathy Towers, your stern but loving mentor, mostly robotic. And a ten... no.

Tim: The jizz wizard!

Jon: Hmm.

Melanie: No, no, no, we’re not sharing a touchstone.

Jon: Well, that is the game, Melanie.

Melanie, hamming it up: They’re my rampant space wizard, I’m not sharing them!

Jon, matching her: Well, I had them first!

Georgie, yelling from the other room: Kids, play nice!

[Melanie grumbles dramatically, then settles.]

Melanie: Fine. But don’t you get into too much peril so you have to use them for both of us.

Jon: Same to you.

Sasha, quickly: Great! Well, I’ve done some rolling for plot, and I’ve got my GM doc open, so let’s get into it! 

[The others nod.]

Sasha: Uh, do you know who’s gonna be the captain of your crew? Actually, do you know what your ship’s called, too?

[Martin looks to Jon, and they share a tiny nod.]

Martin: I’d like to be captain, if that’s alright?

[The others all nod.]

Tim: Go for it, Marto! Can I be the pilot, though?

Martin, as Aloysius: Certainly, dear chap.

[He drops out of character.]

Martin: I don’t know what we’re going to call the ship, though.

Tim, without any thought: Sexy ? The Tits Express ? The Stud Farm ?

Martin: Okay, definitely not those.

Basira: Going through every single possible ship name as a process of elimination is probably going to take a while.

Martin, as Aloysius: And it’s my ship, not your ship, even if you are the pilot.

Tim, as Tits: It’s the Stud Farm in my mind, whatever you might say, cap’n.

Daisy: We can’t come up with anything, so. What about the Placeholder ?

[Jon snorts.]

Jon: Perfect.

Melanie: Locked and loaded.

Sasha: Fantastic! Now, let’s get to storytime!

Tim: Yes!

Sasha, with a slight storytelling cadence to her voice: You, the crew of the Placeholder, have just received word that the Great Space Pirate Balthazar Germaine is dead. Deader than dead, and presumed murdered. 

[Tim gasps theatrically.]

Sasha: However, as is so often the case, pirates and probate law go hand in hand--

[There’s a ripple of laughter.]

Jon: Sorry, what?

Melanie, at the same time: Pirates and probate law?

Sasha: Yeah, hadn’t you heard that?

Jon: Not in my experience.

[Sasha shrugs.]

Sasha: Maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong sort of pirates.

Jon, theatrically serious: You take that back.

Sasha, doubling down on her plot: Pirates and probate law go hand in hand, and he has left a very detailed will behind, promising a vast fortune to the crew that can complete a specific set of conditions. As such, you are en route to the Blind Justice , the infamous space station that deals in black market law.

Melanie: I fucking love you.

Basira: Wait, no, how does that work? Actually, never mind, I just want to go with it.

Sasha: Probably for the best. So, as the Placeholder approaches the Blind Justice , the ship’s computer beeps--you have an incoming transmission from the station. Are you going to answer?

Jon: I reach forwards and hit the accept call button.

Martin: I guess we’re answering.

Sasha: The live transmission comes up on screen. The person calling is small, and bright yellow.

[Those experienced with DND wait with visible anticipation. Sasha clears her throat.]

Sasha, making her voice high, posh, and squeaky: Is this the Placeholder ?

Martin, as Aloysius: Yes. Speaking?

Sasha, normally: So, this person nods, and the massive black lawyer’s wig he’s wearing wobbles precariously.

Martin: A black wig?

Sasha: Yeah, because he’s a black market lawyer. It’s how you tell them apart.

Martin: Makes sense.

Sasha: Right! Anyway, you’ve answered, and he says...

[She puts on the squeaky voice again.]

Sasha: Good. Virulent Sturge, QC. I’m in charge of sorting out the probate for the Germaine estate. Now, all the other crews mentioned in the will are already here. If you dock in the docking bay, I’ll come down and meet you.

Melanie, as Gorm: Are we going to dock?

Daisy, as Tank: Seems like a trap.

Jon, as Jonny: I say go for it! How bad could it be?

Sasha, as Sturge: It’s not a trap! It’s a genuine way to progress the plot forward!

[Martin snorts.]

Tim, as Tits: I vote we dock, it seems like it could be fun.

Jon, as Jonny: Me too!

Martin, as Aloysius: If this is to do with Germaine, there’s probably a lot of cash at the end of it.

Melanie, as Gorm: Oh, true...

Basira, as Viscountess: Fuck it, I’m in.

[Daisy shrugs.]

Daisy, as Tank: Fine, you’re all the flesh people who are going to get killed, I suppose.

Tim: I steer the Placeholder towards the station!

Sasha: Good! Thank you! Now, as you finally approach the station to dock, you can see three ships already docked alongside it. One is large and black, and dinged up like it’s seen a lot of action. The second ship is a lot more elegant, all sleek lines narrowing to a sharp drill on the front, and it’s a tasteful pale cerise. The third ship is blue, and quite blocky, and it’s connected to the station by a grey docking tube.

Melanie: That’s familiar. Why the fuck is that familiar?

[Sasha shrugs and smiles.]

Sasha: You might find out later, you might not. Anyway, you pull up alongside them, and enter the Blind Justice . Sturge is there to meet you. He’s even smaller than he looked on the screen, about knee-height, without the wig, and he puts out one of his eleven handfeet to shake.

He leads you down the corridor, and after a couple of minutes you get to Sturge’s office. It’s big and spacious--way too big for such a tiny space lawyer, but there are all kinds of law books on bookshelves around the room. It’s good that it’s so big, because you’re not the only crew in there. 

Tim: Ooooh.

Daisy: I look around.

Sasha: Cool! You look to your left, and... okay, first, we’ve got Captain Calamity Jones, of the Snickers . 

Martin, penny dropping: The. The Snickers . Instead of--

Sasha, all wide-eyed innocence: Instead of the Bounty , yes. Everyone else had done the Bounty already, so they thought they’d shake it up a bit.

Basira: By picking another chocolate bar.

Jon: Are they all going to be like this?

Tim: Please tell me they’re all going to be like this. Please.

Sasha: Well, there’s a reason I said Daisy’s character would fit right in...

[Daisy smirks. Jon is clearly trying to hide a smile, and Martin isn’t even bothering.]

Tim: You absolute madlad!

[Sasha does a tiny bow from her seat.]

Sasha: Anyway, Calamity Jones is your typical pirate captain, but in space. Big, bearded, he’s got an eyepatch, and he’s magenta. The usual. And he’s got his crew--first is Wolfram Scintilla, their navigator and mechanist. He’s got three peg legs, and one real leg. Then there’s JP McPeril, who’s an all-round rogue, and can drink a bottle of space whiskey in a single gulp without batting an eye. If there’s a story about it, JP McPeril’s done it.

Daisy: Nice.

Sasha: And last in their crew is Lad Fingleshank, or just “the lad”, who’s their cabin boy. He’s half boy, half squid.

Basira: Which half is which?

Sasha: Um. The squid half is the middle half.

Basira: Of course.

Sasha: What else? So, you shake their hands, et cetera et cetera, make the introductions--you’ve all heard of each other before, but you’ve never properly met in person. And then you turn to the next crew, who you think belong to the pink ship with the drill on the front.

[There’s a chorus of nods from the players.]

Sasha: Their captain is the beautiful and fiendish Captain Aphrodisia Basilworthy-Thorpe. She’s the disgraced scion of a noble family, with a penchant for smuggling. She’s tall, snooty, space posh, and descended from slime mould.

[Jon snorts.]

Jon: That sounds about right, posh and slimy.

[Martin, a born Northerner, high-fives him, and Melanie throws him a thumbs-up as a cheer from Georgie drifts through from the other room. Sasha wiggles her eyebrows and smirks.]

Sasha: We’re off to a good start with this crew, then! The others are the Right Dishonourable Lady Belvedere Psmith, a galactic champion cucumber-and-knife sandwich maker, and Mandraxxilon Hubert III, who is a former centaur, with an incredible moustache and a monocle.

Martin: Former... centaur...? 

Sasha: Yeah, it was a long and complicated procedure.

Martin: So he’s a horse now? Or a biped?

Sasha, with a grin: Yes. Now, these guys are basically toffs. Space pirate toffs. All poisoned high teas and duels with laser sabres, that kind of glove-slappy capital-R-Romantic bullshit.

Melanie: Right. Gorm fucking hates them already.

Basira, as Viscountess: I don’t know, I think we can get on.

Tim, as Tits: Until they figure out your name is a name, not a rank.

[Basira shrugs.]

Basira: I can burn that bridge when I come to it.

Jon: It’s “cross”--

Martin, cutting over him to forestall the imminent lecture: And the last crew?

[Sasha grins evilly.]

Sasha: Yes, lastly, there’s another crew of four. Three of them are decked out in identical silver spacesuits with a screen-like panel on their stomachs, distinguished only by a badge on their chests--one with a purple triangle, one with a green line, and one with a yellow spiral. The last member of their crew is a large, red robot. You presume the one with the purple badge, standing at the front, is their captain, and your assumption is proved right as he introduces himself as Captain Tink Eewinckey.

[She pauses for a moment, and the others start to snicker as they put the pieces together.]

Melanie: I knew I recognised that ship!

Tim, screeching: Bitch, it’s the tubby custard machine!

Sasha, trying to keep her composure: And he presents the rest of his crew to you--Lalia, with the yellow badge, and Dipseus Greene, with the green line--

[The others are outright laughing at this point.]

Basira, admiringly: You piece of shit, Sasha.

Sasha, picking up where she left off: --and their robotic companion, P-0. From the good ship the Nounou .

Melanie: The fucking Teletubbies. You made us the fucking space Teletubbies, holy shit!

[Tim buries his head in his hands on his desk, his shoulders shaking with laughter.]

Sasha: Oh, these guys have a full-on backstory.

Jon: You can’t say something like that and not tell us.

Sasha: Well... they’re the only four--wait, no, three, because P-0’s a robot. They’re the only three survivors of their planet. It, uh, orbited a living sun? And while the living sun was a baby, everything was fine, but then it started growing, and engulfed the planet.

Tim: Not the sun baby!

Sasha: Exactly the sun baby!

Melanie: You motherfucker!

Sasha: So, do you want to chat to the crews, or?

Jon: I’m already talking to Squid Boy, we’re in similar situations on our respective ships.

Sasha: And you’re getting on like a house on fire! Anything in particular you want to ask him?

Jon: Not really, I’m not thinking that far ahead. I just want to make friends with him.

Sasha: ...I wasn’t going to do this in here, because it’s just an exposition dump, but make a Handsome roll for me? And I’m gonna say that’s a “trifling or momentary concern,” so you’re looking for a four or higher.

Jon: And I got a seven.

Sasha: Perfect! That’s a success, you’re mates with him now!

[Jon nods with satisfaction.]

Sasha: Anyone else?

Daisy, as Tank: We’re just going to be competing with these people, aren’t we? I don’t see any reason to talk to them.

Melanie: I’m talking the fuck to the Teletubbies.

Sasha: Captain Eewinckey just sort of stares at you as approach.

Melanie, as Gorm: Captain. I’m sorry to hear about what happened to your planet.

[Sasha puts on a gravelly voice.]

Sasha, as Eewinckey: It was quite the tragedy, yes. The Superdome, the Great Green Meadows, even the rabbits... all burnt to a crisp... 

[Melanie bites on her fist to stifle a laugh.]

Melanie: Nope, I can’t do this. Let’s get on with the lore dump.

Sasha: Right. So, Sturge the space lawyer has sat himself down at his tall desk, and bangs his custom-made gavel, even though he’s not a judge, to get your attention.

[She looks at her notes, and puts on the squeaky voice.]

Sasha, as Sturge: Thank you all for gathering here today, I appreciate you taking time out of your busy looting and plundering schedules to get to this business. Now, as I'm sure you're aware, Captain Germaine left behind a will, which is why we’re all here today. All your crews were named in the will as potential heirs to the Germaine fortune. However, an essential condition is that only one crew can be designated the heir, and. Well. Let me read this section of the will, and you can hear it in his own words. Ahem.

[She clears her throat and puts on a deep, dramatic voice.]

Sasha: “If you’re reading this, I’m dead. I, the great Balthazar Germaine, am dead. And I know why. I’ve known for a long time that my death would come at the hand of my greatest rival, and former lover, Xen, the pirate warlord. You have been chosen because you are the best of the best. The most daring, the most handsome, the most vicious. One of you can take up my mantle and inherit my fortune--if, and only if, you avenge me. If Xen dies at your hand, my countless wealth is yours.”

[She puts on the squeaky Sturge voice again.]

Sasha: Well, that’s the relevant part. My goodness, he could be dramatic, couldn’t he? Now, I want this particular case off my desk as quickly as possible, I’ve got a lot of work piling up--and I get a bigger commission the quicker this is resolved--so I went to the trouble of hiring a private detective to find out where Xen is. It turns out that he’s where he always is, on his flagship, the Forsaken Tetrachord , so I don't know why I bothered spending the money. I’ve got the coordinates right here, and I’ll send them to your ships.

[The players nod.]

Sasha, as Sturge: Now, all I need are your signatures, just to confirm that you’ve been read the will, heard all the conditions, and agree to abide by them.

[She goes back to her own voice.]

Sasha: He takes a space biro out of his shirt pocket, and hands it around. All the other crews sign, and then he offers the pen to you.

Jon, immediately: I take it and go to sign.

Martin: And I take the pen off you, because you’re only the cabin boy and you launch into everything without thinking.

Jon: Fair.

Martin: I look around at everyone else and wait for the nod.

[The other players give Martin a nod or a thumbs up.]

Martin: Right. Then I sign.

Sasha, as Sturge: Wonderful, that’s great. 

[In her own voice:]

Sasha: He takes the pen back.

Sasha, as Sturge: Well, then, what are you all still here for? I have a lot to be getting on with, and I do believe you have a warlord to assassinate. Good luck, good luck.

Sasha, in her own voice: He waves you all out of his office, and you and the other crews head back to your ships.

Tim, as Tits: We’re heading off, cap’n?

Martin, as Aloysius: Precisely, my good man. Full steam ahead!

[Daisy, as Tank, pointedly clears her throat.]

Martin, as Aloysius: My apologies. And it wasn’t entirely accurate, either, so. Full warp drive ahead!

Tim, as Tits: Aye aye, cap’n!

Sasha: And off you go! Right, I think I’m going to call it there for today, scene ended, and we can come back as you reach the Forsaken Tetrachord .

Melanie: Sounds good!

Basira: Thanks for GMing, Sasha! From the setup, this looks like it’ll be a damn good game.

[Sasha beams.]

Sasha: Thank you!

Jon: I’m looking forward to getting into the meat of this, it looks very well-plotted.

Sasha: Aha, the bullshit is working! 

[Jon laughs.]

Martin: So we’ll hang like this in a week or two? I mean, we’ll be messaging in the interim, of course, but, you know. Some of you unlucky buggers have work, apparently.

[Melanie mimes throwing up.]

Tim: Unfortch.

Sasha: Yeah, let’s lock in Saturday in a fortnight?

[The others nod.]

Sasha: Perfect! Alright then, see you all then!

[There’s a chorus of goodbyes and waves, and the typical awkwardness as nobody knows who should log off first. Sasha ends the meeting.]

Chapter Text

Saturday, 12:03 P.M.

Timothy Stoker to Sasha James

Timothy Stoker: ayeeeeeeeeee

Timothy Stoker: nice job madam gm :D

Sasha James: aaaaa thanks tim!!!

Sasha James: it went okay to play?

Timothy Stoker: fo sho

Timothy Stoker: the fuckign teletubbies bit

Timothy Stoker: babe im still yellin

Sasha James: >;)

Sasha James: i’ve been sitting on that one for literal days

Timothy Stoker: is That why u were just fkn smirking to urself when i came into the office the other day

Sasha James: lol probably

Timothy Stoker: ur an evil genius

Sasha James: i know :)

Sasha James: i’d like to say i’ve learnt from the best but i really don’t think you’re the best evil genius i know

Timothy Stoker: ahem who came up with the cursed ping pong ball plan?

Timothy Stoker: the pigeons???

Timothy Stoker: many small and petty ways to inconvenience bitchard?

Timothy Stoker: cest moi

Timothy Stoker: dont underestimate my genius babe

Sasha James: hmmmmm

Timothy Stoker: :0

Sasha James: (:

Timothy Stoker: so rude i cant believe

Sasha James: yep!

Sasha James: i’ll get you a twix from the vending machine on monday to make up for it

Timothy Stoker: good

Timothy Stoker: u owe me for this insult to my dignity

Sasha James: locked and loaded :)

---

Sunday, 9:41 A.M.

Jonathan Sims to Oliver Banks

Jonathan Sims: hello

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry for messaging you out of the blue like this, but do you have a few minutes? I’ve got a few questions about something.

Oliver Banks: Yes, I’m free!

Oliver Banks: What’s going on?

Jonathan Sims: excuse me if this gets a bit too personal, but.

Jonathan Sims: you have entity-related dreams, don’t you?

Oliver Banks: I do, yes

Oliver Banks: As do you, right? About the statements?

Jonathan Sims: yes. but lately, I’ve been having different dreams. recurring ones. every night, for just over a week now.

Oliver Banks: Okay

Oliver Banks: How so?

Jonathan Sims: well, for a start, I’m not a voyeur of other people’s trauma

Jonathan Sims: actually, no, that’s not entirely accurate.

Jonathan Sims: but it’s not about the statements, it’s certainly not based on anything I’ve read

Oliver Banks: Yep, that does sound unusual

Oliver Banks: Well, I’ll see if I can help

Oliver Banks: I’m not guaranteeing anything, but I did do a Lot of research into weird dreaming when I was trying to work out what was happening to me

Oliver Banks: So let’s have a shot

Oliver Banks: What are your dreams about?

Jonathan Sims: well.

Jonathan Sims: I dreamt about you last night

Oliver Banks: I’m flattered, but Graham and I have been patching things up

Jonathan Sims: oh

Jonathan Sims: no

Jonathan Sims: christ, that does sound like a come on

Jonathan Sims: it’s not

Oliver Banks: I’m teasing, Jon

Oliver Banks: I know what you mean, don’t worry :)

Jonathan Sims: yes, I know

Jonathan Sims: sorry, I’m a little on edge.

Jonathan Sims: very much tunnel vision at the moment

Jonathan Sims: anyway, that’s what made me finally bite the bullet and send you a message

Oliver Banks: And here we are

Jonathan Sims: here we are indeed.

Oliver Banks: What was I doing in your dream?

Jonathan Sims: you’ll need to bear with me

Oliver Banks: Sounds interesting

Jonathan Sims: you were the coroner

Jonathan Sims: of a section of the apocalypse

Oliver Banks: I’m going to need you to back up a section there

Jonathan Sims: of course.

Jonathan Sims: in these dreams, Martin and I are travelling through some sort of nightmare hellscape

Jonathan Sims: as if El*as’s plan to bring about the end of the world actually succeeded.

Oliver Banks: That doesn’t sound good 

Jonathan Sims: trust me, it’s not.

Oliver Banks: So why did you say you not being a Spooky Trauma Voyeur isn’t entirely accurate?

Jonathan Sims: I don’t think it has any real-world effect, but in the dream world, I’m The spooky trauma voyeur. there’s a lot of suffering in the world. I made it happen, and I’m sustained by it.

Oliver Banks: Yikes

Jonathan Sims: my thoughts exactly.

Jonathan Sims: I spend a fair amount of time in each dream giving a statement, actually

Jonathan Sims: about the “domains” that Martin and I are passing through. places that belong to an avatar, that belong to a certain Fear

Jonathan Sims: and are. full of victims.

Jonathan Sims: you can extrapolate what that means about the statements

Oliver Banks: Yeah, I can. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, genuinely

Jonathan Sims: thanks.

Oliver Banks: So, I assume I’m in charge of one of these domains, then

Jonathan Sims: unfortunately.

Oliver Banks: What a job

Oliver Banks: Not really like what I’m doing now

Jonathan Sims: I recognise your conversational diversion and I am grasping it with both hands

Jonathan Sims: what are you working on?

Oliver Banks: Well

Oliver Banks: You know how What the Ghost is going to be branching into true crime? To rival Buzzfeed Unsolved?

Jonathan Sims: I remember Georgie talking about it, yes

Oliver Banks: I’m going to be a regular on the true crime shows

Jonathan Sims: really?

Oliver Banks: Yeah! I know, it’s not what I usually do, but it seems fun

Oliver Banks: I’ll be the one who’ll throw out a curveball “theory” about what happened to the (presumably) murdered party

Jonathan Sims: and, I’m just guessing here, but it won’t be a theory?

Oliver Banks: Got it in one

Oliver Banks: But nobody will know 

Oliver Banks: Georgie’s idea

Jonathan Sims: I’m not surprised

Oliver Banks: Once I talked to her properly, and we confirmed I’m not a being of pure evil who is going to consume her friends and leave her traumatised, she warmed up to me

Jonathan Sims: I’m still not surprised

Jonathan Sims: it’s quite a Georgie move

Oliver Banks: We get on quite well now, actually!

Oliver Banks: We had a very long chat after the concert

Jonathan Sims: that’s fair

Oliver Banks: Us End-touched have to stick together

Jonathan Sims: quite right, too

Oliver Banks: I showed her photos of Lady Grey, which seemed to help with the “not evil” thing

Jonathan Sims: Lady Grey?

Oliver Banks: Oh

Oliver Banks: My cat

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry, but I have to demand pictures

Oliver Banks: If you insist

Oliver Banks sent a photo

Oliver Banks sent a photo

[Image ID: The first photo is of a smoky-grey cat curled up in a nest of couch cushions. The second photo shows the same cat, now looking at something past the camera, her yellow eyes wide and a little startled.]

Jonathan Sims: I can see why Georgie was impressed

Jonathan Sims: she’s a beauty

Jonathan Sims: please pass that on to the lady

Oliver Banks: Have done

Oliver Banks: But she’s just started to clean herself, so she’s probably not paying large amounts of attention to anything else

Jonathan Sims: then I shall leave the lady to attend to her own business

Jonathan Sims: well

Jonathan Sims: as pleasant as this minor diversion has been, and as much as I know deep within my soul that I must meet this delightful cat one day

Jonathan Sims: we do have to get back to the matter at hand

Oliver Banks: Can’t put it off forever

Oliver Banks: Right, I’ve had a couple of thoughts

Jonathan Sims: go ahead

Oliver Banks: Do you think these dreams are prophetic?

Oliver Banks: I mean, my dreams of those death tendrils have a prophetic quality, do you think yours are the same?

Jonathan Sims: instinctively, I don’t think so

Jonathan Sims: but it’s serialised. like a single story

Oliver Banks: Like you’re picking up from the same spot you left off the previous night?

Jonathan Sims: exactly

Oliver Banks: Okay, my dreams have always started in the same place

Oliver Banks: If it’s like that, do you feel like it’s a narrative?

Jonathan Sims: yes

Jonathan Sims: I want to resolve this situation, but I want to wait until I know what it is before I act. so I feel like I should let it play out

Jonathan Sims: but “what feels right” in a situation where I’m an avatar of cosmic horror powers is... more subjective than I’d like.

Oliver Banks: Fair enough

Oliver Banks: And I, also, am an avatar of cosmic horror powers, so take what I say with a pinch of salt, I suppose

Oliver Banks: But I agree, if there’s a story element, maybe you should see how it resolves itself?

Jonathan Sims: thank you

Jonathan Sims: it’s nice to have your support

Oliver Banks: You’re welcome

Oliver Banks: If anything changes, let me know

Oliver Banks: And in the meantime, I’ll look through my dream books, I still have a few

Jonathan Sims: I appreciate it

Oliver Banks: Any time

Oliver Banks: Especially for a bandmate!

Jonathan Sims: I hate it when Nikola has good ideas, and never tell her this

Jonathan Sims: but she was 100% right to suggest the band.

Jonathan Sims: it’s good to have other avatars to talk to.

Oliver Banks: Completely agree

Oliver Banks: Look, I’ll send you a message if I find anything that might be useful

Oliver Banks: Good luck with it in the meantime, I suppose? Sorry I couldn’t be of more help at this point in proceedings

Jonathan Sims: it’s fine, honestly

Jonathan Sims: this has been more than helpful

Oliver Banks: You’re welcome?

Oliver Banks: I did nothing, but you’re welcome

Jonathan Sims: see you on Thursday?

Oliver Banks: See you then :)

---

Monday, 11:47 A.M.

“beautiful space pirates”

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Look what just came!!!

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Courier delivered and all :DDD

Martin Blackwood sent a photo

[Image ID: A large box of flat-pack Ikea furniture--specifically, a shelving unit.]

gm and ensemble npc cast: oh good luck!

gorm the unflappable: big steps

gorm the unflappable: g and i haven’t got that far yet lol

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Wdym?

gorm the unflappable: ikea furniture is a legendary relationship tester

Jonny Scrimshaw: Martin and I will be just fine.

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Yeah, what he said :)))

gorm the unflappable: i know, i know

gorm the unflappable: just messing around with the stereotype

Jonny Scrimshaw: and I’m just messing around with you

gorm the unflappable: bastard :-P

Jonny Scrimshaw: you miss me around the office, don’t try to deny it

gorm the unflappable: slander

gm and ensemble npc cast: yeah, she was pining the other day

gorm the unflappable: double slander! lies and calumny! >:-(

gm and ensemble npc cast: moping sadly by the easily accessible knives in the kitchenette 

gm and ensemble npc cast: reminiscing about the good times when you’d locked them in your desk drawer

gorm the unflappable: sasha u’ll ruin my image >:-(

titillandus studswell: o its too late for that one babe

titillandus studswell: weve been working together for over a year now, we kno all each others dirty secrets

Viscountess Hellion: Not all of them

titillandus studswell: :0 basira what

Viscountess Hellion: Anyway, Jon, we sorted you out for the shelf money-wise, right?

Jonny Scrimshaw: yes

Jonny Scrimshaw: the transfer came through this morning

Viscountess Hellion: Great :)

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: So now all thats left to do is make it!!! Then we can start putting in books and games and lil knickknacks and stuff and start making this place proper cosy :))))

titillandus studswell: im sorry is nobody gonna mention basiras apparent secrets???? are we just breezing straight past that one????

thomesse 10-k: Yes We Are

titillandus studswell: so it involves both of u!

titillandus studswell: daisy pls

thomesse 10-k: we’ve got each other’s backs

titillandus studswell: but i need to knoooooooooooooooow

Viscountess Hellion: :)

thomesse 10-k: :)

titillandus studswell: hhhhhhhhhhh

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: And speaking of Knowing jons just Seen where the allen key disappeared to so were gonna get into building!!! 

Jonny Scrimshaw: and all of you should probably get back to work.

titillandus studswell: ur not my boss, boss :/

gm and ensemble npc cast: i am! and there’s a whole box of cargo manifests from salesa that we need to go through and crosscheck with the statements, so we’ll need to get cracking!

titillandus studswell: im gonna die of pure boredom in this job i s2g :((((

gm and ensemble npc cast: do you miss this, jon?

Jonny Scrimshaw: I do miss seeing you all in person

Jonny Scrimshaw: but I’ll admit that the break has been. relaxing

gm and ensemble npc cast: lol :’)

gm and ensemble npc cast: have fun with the shelving, lads!

Aloysius p quimblethorp: Wish us luck lol :’’’’)

gorm the unflappable: just remember the key rule

gorm the unflappable: u can’t both be stubborn, ikea furniture building will not work if both people are stubborn

Jonny Scrimshaw: me? stubborn?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Oh nooooo not at all

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Yeah no ive never known you to be stubborn at any point whatsoever, not even recently 

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: The most chill and easygoing person ive ever known, thats my boyf ((((:

Jonny Scrimshaw: hm. I’m sure we’ll manage.

gorm the unflappable: oooooooo yeah u guys are gonna need all the luck u can get

---

4:27 P.M.

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood sent an image

[Image ID: A photo of Cher and Beyonce the cows, looking unimpressed.]

Martin Blackwood: I told the girls and even they think youre in the wrong

Martin Blackwood: Theyd probably be better to put up shelving with actually, they wouldnt constantly harp on about the instructions

Jonathan Sims: so we can make jokes about it now?

Jonathan Sims: god

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry, I realise how that sounds

Jonathan Sims: I’m not being facetious, I’m genuinely trying to work out what level we’re on

Martin Blackwood: Yes

Martin Blackwood: No

Martin Blackwood: I dont know

Jonathan Sims: yes, thank you for the wide range of answers, there.

Jonathan Sims: that certainly makes it easy for me.

Martin Blackwood: Bloody hell

Martin Blackwood: Its complicated, jon, alright?

Martin Blackwood: Im not just going to go for a walk and magically calm down straight away

Jonathan Sims: neither am I, Martin

Martin Blackwood: Well, then.

Martin Blackwood: It might be best if i stay out for a bit

Jonathan Sims: yes, I think so. 

Jonathan Sims is typing...

---

4:31 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: but I understand

Jonathan Sims: I think

Jonathan Sims is typing...

---

4:34 P.M.

Jonathan Sims: this isn’t really about the Ikea cabinet, is it.

Martin Blackwood is typing...

---

4:36 P.M.

Martin Blackwood: No

Martin Blackwood: Its not

Martin Blackwood: I just

Martin Blackwood: Im concerned, jon, im really fucking worried

Martin Blackwood: These dreams youve been having

Martin Blackwood: Its been over a week now and youre still having them and youre waking up in the middle of the night terrified

Martin Blackwood: I notice, jon!!

Jonathan Sims: I didn’t realise I was still waking you

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry

Martin Blackwood: Thats not the point

Martin Blackwood: The point is that youre just carrying on like everything is normal and its not???? This isnt good, whatever it is, and youre not trying to do anything about it

Jonathan Sims: that isn’t right

Jonathan Sims: I’ve been trying to find out what’s going on, or what it could be

Jonathan Sims: I’ve been talking to Oliver, he had entity-influenced dreams

Jonathan Sims: I just don’t want to worry you about it. whatever this is, I don’t want it to be something that makes you upset.

Jonathan Sims: it’s bad enough that I have to go through it.

Jonathan Sims: I don’t want you to ask about them

Jonathan Sims: because then I’d tell you. and you neither need or want to know about the apocalypse I’ve been dreaming about. the domains. the battlefield, the village, the carousel

Jonathan Sims: not-Sasha

Jonathan Sims: what that me did to not-Sasha

Martin Blackwood: Okay im tabling all of those words for later

Martin Blackwood: The thing is, i do want to know, though

Martin Blackwood: If your subconscious is doing this

Martin Blackwood: If its a symptom of something bigger then i want to help you

Martin Blackwood: If youre feeling guilty about being attached to the eye, or for el*as wanting to use you in his ritual, thats something we can work through

Martin Blackwood: And even if you dont feel comfortable telling me because im too close to it thats okay too, but i do want to know that youre talking to somebody

Jonathan Sims: actually

Jonathan Sims: that’s part of it as well

Jonathan Sims: I wasn’t telling you, because I knew you’d want to cure it

Jonathan Sims: or rather. treat it. like it’s a mental health issue.

Jonathan Sims: and I have respect for my mental health, and mental illnesses in general

Jonathan Sims: and for how you help me, when I have bad days

Jonathan Sims: but this isn’t that. it's not a guilt thing, or something similar. 

Jonathan Sims: I’m as certain as I can be that this is coming from outside me

Martin Blackwood: And you didnt think that was something id want to know?????

Jonathan Sims: you’d try to stop me from getting too involved, which would only bring you more pain

Jonathan Sims: I know this isn’t exactly healthy, Martin, but I don’t know how to stop it

Jonathan Sims: and I don’t think I can

Jonathan Sims: it’s like I’m living out a story, almost

Jonathan Sims: every night, at 4am

Jonathan Sims: you know I’ve been waking up each dream

Jonathan Sims: (I’m still sorry for that, by the way)

Jonathan Sims: (but I’ve noticed the times I’ve woken up. 4:22, 4:24, 4:23, etc.)

Jonathan Sims: (so I think the dreams start at 4am exactly, every night?)

Jonathan Sims: but the point is, they feel serialised, almost

Jonathan Sims: like I’m watching a tv show. or living it, rather.

Jonathan Sims: it’s me and you, in the world that I ruined, but it’s not us, us

Jonathan Sims: I know it’s not us

Jonathan Sims: anyway. I don’t think it’s something I can stop, not until the story has finished

Jonathan Sims: and Oliver agrees, he thinks this is something I should let play out

Jonathan Sims: so I just wanted to find out what’s going on, and then talk to you once I had a plan of action in place

Jonathan Sims: something we could work on, together

Jonathan Sims: but that also involves riding it out, which I know you don’t like

Martin Blackwood: ...

Martin Blackwood: Okay

Martin Blackwood: Thank you for telling me

Martin Blackwood: Finally

Jonathan Sims: you’re still annoyed, then.

Martin Blackwood: Im still a bit annoyed, yeah

Martin Blackwood: I know youre doing what you think is right, and i appreciate that

Martin Blackwood: I really do

Martin Blackwood: But you promised youd keep us in the loop

Jonathan Sims: I know, I’m sorry

Martin Blackwood: You stubborn, stubborn man

Martin Blackwood: You dont have to do everything yourself, jon

Martin Blackwood: I know you dont want to hurt anyone, or drag us into your problems, but were all here for you

Martin Blackwood: Me most of all

Jonathan Sims: I know

Jonathan Sims: I know

Jonathan Sims: I am trying to do better, but

Martin Blackwood: No buts

Martin Blackwood: Christ, jon, i know you well enough that you dont need to fumble through an explanation

Martin Blackwood: And youre right, my instinct is to get you the hell out

Martin Blackwood: I dont like that you have to ride this out, but you do have more experience with these kinds of things, and you do know what youre doing

Martin Blackwood: I have to trust you to take care of yourself and thats going to be hard for me, so i get why you wanted to save me from that

Martin Blackwood: Youll tell the others, though? Now you have a bit more knowledge?

Jonathan Sims: I’ll tell the others.

Martin Blackwood: So

Jonathan Sims: so.

Martin Blackwood: You were talking about domains?? Id like a full explanation of what that means please

Martin Blackwood: A potted summary of dream tv

Martin Blackwood: Over a cup of tea, if poss

Jonathan Sims: you’re coming back?

Martin Blackwood: Yeah 

Martin Blackwood: Im coming home :))

---

9:04 P.M.

“beautiful space pirates”

Jonathan Sims sent a photo

[Image ID: Martin, beaming, standing next to a fully-assembled cabinet.]

Jonny Scrimshaw: not even an Ikea cabinet can defeat us.

titillandus studswell: ayeee boss congrats!

gorm the unflappable: genuine respect

Jonny Scrimshaw: thank you

Jonny Scrimshaw: I’d like you all to know that Martin is currently nudging me in the ribs and refuses to stop

Jonny Scrimshaw: this classifies as abuse, I’m sure.

titillandus studswell: aw marto u deserve all the congrats too ofc!!

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Thats not the reason and you know it <3333

Jonny Scrimshaw: I know, I’m putting it off, but I’m getting to it

Jonny Scrimshaw: promise.

Viscountess Hellion: Then what is the reason?

Jonny Scrimshaw: are you all free for a while?

Jonny Scrimshaw: I need to talk to you about these dreams I’ve been having.

thomesse 10-k: go on

Jonny Scrimshaw: hang on, I’ve been explaining this for the last two days

titillandus studswell: yes wait pls!!!

titillandus studswell: gotta change the chat name

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “dream detective squad”

titillandus studswell: et voila!

Jonny Scrimshaw: ...yes, thank you.

Jonny Scrimshaw: but in doing that, you gave me time to find the right messages

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

[Image ID: the part of his and Oliver’s conversation where he talks about the dreams.]

Jonny Scrimshaw: there we go.

gm and ensemble npc cast: thank you for sharing this, jon <3

Jonny Scrimshaw: as I’ve been told, it was about time.

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Genuinely i am very proud of you for telling the group <333

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: So now we can work on solutions????

Jonny Scrimshaw: thank you, Martin

Jonny Scrimshaw: that means a lot x

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: <3

Jonny Scrimshaw: and yes. yes we can.

thomesse 10-k: right.

thomesse 10-k: to 100% confirm, it doesn’t feel like the eye, to you?

Jonny Scrimshaw: it doesn’t feel like the Eye.

Jonny Scrimshaw: but I’m not sure what it actually is yet.

titillandus studswell: u said serialised

titillandus studswell: like ur watching a story?

Jonny Scrimshaw: like I’m living a story

Jonny Scrimshaw: with characters, not real people, I suppose?

Jonny Scrimshaw: because it’s me, but not me. it’s Martin, but not Martin. always the same, through all of the dreams

Viscountess Hellion: Dreams shouldn’t be this consistent

Jonny Scrimshaw: exactly.

Jonny Scrimshaw: and even my. “spooky trauma dreams.” aren’t like this, I just watch the same event repeated over and over

Jonny Scrimshaw: I don’t get “episodes” of statement dreams, but that’s what it feels like is happening with this.

gm and ensemble npc cast: so you’re saying this is coming from somewhere?

Jonny Scrimshaw: I don’t think my brain could manufacture a plot so consistently

gm and ensemble npc cast: yeah fair

titillandus studswell: alternate u has it rough by the sounds of

titillandus studswell: i mean fuck

titillandus studswell: an apocalypse? w/o all us buds with u?

titillandus studswell: awful

titillandus studswell: 0/10

Jonny Scrimshaw: wait.

Jonny Scrimshaw: you said alternate.

titillandus studswell: yea? hes not u u

titillandus studswell: ergo 

titillandus studswell: hes alternate u

titillandus studswell: or dream u 

titillandus studswell: or u prime, prime as in the maths ‘ thingy not as in original

titillandus studswell: or u 2.0 

titillandus studswell: or apocalypse u 

titillandus studswell: or u but slightly to the left

Jonny Scrimshaw: you can stop any time you’d like

Jonny Scrimshaw: but thank you

Jonny Scrimshaw: I know who I need to talk to.

Chapter Text

Monday, 9:26 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Annabelle Cane

Jonathan Sims: Annabelle 

Jonathan Sims: what did you do

Annabelle Cane: Hello to you too, Jon

Jonathan Sims: again. what did you do?

Annabelle Cane: Nothing?

Annabelle Cane: I think?

Annabelle Cane: Not lately, anyway

Annabelle Cane: What do you mean?

Jonathan Sims: something is happening with the rift

Jonathan Sims: and you’re the only person who knows how to control a literal fucking rift to another dimension

Annabelle Cane: First of all, I don’t control it, I just know where it is

Annabelle Cane: I can’t open up doors to any old dimension of my choosing, I just know it’s possible to get to them, with a whole lot of work

Annabelle Cane: Second of all, I haven’t been there for months, I haven’t done anything to it

Annabelle Cane: Why, what’s happening?

Jonathan Sims: I’m having dreams about myself 

Jonathan Sims: from another dimension, I suppose

Jonathan Sims: what did you do?

Annabelle Cane: I didn’t!

Annabelle Cane: Although

Annabelle Cane: Now that I think about it

Annabelle Cane: Okay

Annabelle Cane: I might have done something? But it was a fair while ago

Annabelle Cane: Like, last year?

Jonathan Sims: I don’t have time for this

Jonathan Sims: what was it?

Annabelle Cane: ...remember when you sent that hard drive through to the other dimension?

Jonathan Sims: of course I fucking do

Jonathan Sims: did you sabotage it?

Annabelle Cane: No!

Annabelle Cane: Fuck, Jon, even I could tell that was important

Jonathan Sims: okay

Jonathan Sims: good.

Jonathan Sims: at least there’s that.

Annabelle Cane: ...in fact, I thought it was so important, that I may have planted the barest thread of a connection on the hard drive as you sent it through

Annabelle Cane: Connecting us to wherever that hard drive ended up

Annabelle Cane: In case they needed us, or needed more information

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: what are you trying to say

Annabelle Cane: It may be possible that something could potentially be transmitting back along that connection

Annabelle Cane: Hypothetically, that’s an answer that might make sense

Jonathan Sims: Annabelle

Annabelle Cane: It was never meant to be malicious!

Jonathan Sims: I know

Jonathan Sims: and that’s the only thing that’s keeping me civil at the moment

Jonathan Sims: it seems like you did this with good intentions

Jonathan Sims: but there were

Jonathan Sims: hm.

Jonathan Sims: unforeseen consequences.

Annabelle Cane: When you put it like that, I’m not sure why I’m surprised that this happened

Annabelle Cane: The Mother’s purview is “unforeseen consequences”

Jonathan Sims: which is why, with all due respect, I fucking despise the Web

Annabelle Cane: :(

Jonathan Sims: don’t you sad face emoji at me

Annabelle Cane: (╥﹏╥)

Annabelle Cane: 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

Jonathan Sims: you can. you can see how that’s worse. right

Annabelle Cane: °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°   

Jonathan Sims: cease and desist

Annabelle Cane: Only for you

Jonathan Sims: what does this mean, though?

Jonathan Sims: is the version of me in this other dimension going through what I’m dreaming of?

Jonathan Sims: although the more I think about it, I’m really not sure that’s the case

Jonathan Sims: it feels almost filtered, somehow?

Jonathan Sims: I’m not inhabiting an experience

Jonathan Sims: I’m inhabiting the projection of an experience

Annabelle Cane: That’s an interesting way of putting it

Jonathan Sims: it’s the best way I can think of

Annabelle Cane: The framing of a story is as important as the narrative itself

Jonathan Sims: what are you trying to say? 

Annabelle Cane: I'm not sure yet. But I'm feeling

Annabelle Cane: I suppose you'd call them vibrations

Jonathan Sims: you're telling me you have "good vibes."

Annabelle Cane: And now the deliberately obtuse shoe is on the other foot! 

Jonathan Sims: can you blame me? 

Annabelle Cane: Look. This is going to get very Web. Can you bear with me for a few minutes, please? 

Jonathan Sims: it's not like I have much choice. 

Annabelle Cane: You always have a choice, and I always like to be polite

Jonathan Sims: well, then

Jonathan Sims: by all means, madam, go on

Annabelle Cane: Thank you

Annabelle Cane: Now, if these dimensions are connected, the connections must by definition form a web

Annabelle Cane: And if you're afraid of one world impacting another, that only strengthens the link to the Mother

Annabelle Cane: And when I made the actual connections between our dimension and somewhere else...

Jonathan Sims: I feel like I'm the fly in this analogy

Annabelle Cane: Only whatever version of you is in the other universe

Annabelle Cane: Right here, right now, you're an honorary spider

Jonathan Sims: I'm not sure I appreciate the "honour"

Annabelle Cane: Hush

Annabelle Cane: You're feeling vibrations up the strand of web

Annabelle Cane: I think because this involves two versions of the same person, it resonates more strongly? In a way you can pick up?

Annabelle Cane: And so can I, I think, but nowhere near as drastic as what’s happening to you

Annabelle Cane: There’s something big going on here, bigger than what we know, and I can’t see it directly

Annabelle Cane: It’s like the blind men and the elephant, anything I think I know from my small field of examination is definitely going to be wrong

Annabelle Cane: So all I can do is come at it obliquely

Annabelle Cane: Maybe it’s these vibrations I’m picking up on, but I have a sense for which strands of the web I should pull

Annabelle Cane: What questions should be asked

Jonathan Sims: like what?

Annabelle Cane: Your chat logs. 

Jonathan Sims: what about them? 

Annabelle Cane: That's not all of what you did over those months

Jonathan Sims: christ, no

Jonathan Sims: some things are personal, Annabelle! I'm not showing all of that to another universe! 

Annabelle Cane: Exactly

Annabelle Cane: You showed them what you wanted them to know

Annabelle Cane: You edited and framed the narrative for a purpose

Jonathan Sims: where are you going with this? 

Annabelle Cane: Your dreams, you say you're living a story. And that word is important. 

Annabelle Cane: Jon, do your dreams contain the boring parts? 

Jonathan Sims: what? 

Annabelle Cane: The boring parts of living, even in a hellscape

Annabelle Cane: Or does it all fit into an excitingly paced narrative? 

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: the latter, I suppose

Jonathan Sims: there are certainly jumps between dreams, but I can pick up the thread clearly enough

Annabelle Cane: It's been framed, in the way it's been sent to you

Jonathan Sims: I suppose so, yes

Annabelle Cane: Tell me about them. The information you have, the facts

Jonathan Sims: me and Martin, alternate me and Martin, in the apocalypse that I caused

Annabelle Cane: The facts, Jonathan, pull your head out of your second-hand-grief-stricken arse and think about the mechanics, not the emotions

Jonathan Sims: that was a lot of hyphens

Annabelle Cane: I'm aware

Jonathan Sims: just wanted to make sure you knew

Annabelle Cane: The mechanics, please. 

Jonathan Sims: they're just dreams, Annabelle, I don't know what you want me to say. they work like dreams work, without the Eye beaming someone else's trauma into my subconscious

Annabelle Cane: Not that

Jonathan Sims: then what?

Annabelle Cane: I want you to think about any patterns you might have noticed

Jonathan Sims: well. the dreams seem to start at the same time each night, I suspect at exactly 4am

Jonathan Sims: and they last for roughly the same length of time, around 25 minutes. 

Jonathan Sims: is that enough of a pattern for you? 

Annabelle Cane: Most definitely

Annabelle Cane: Does that remind you of anything? A coherent narrative, at a scheduled time...?

Jonathan Sims: that’s almost like

Jonathan Sims: episodes?

Annabelle Cane: Episodes. 

Jonathan Sims: but I’m not sure what that means

Annabelle Cane: How typically Eye of you, seeing but not understanding

Jonathan Sims: and how typically Web of you, refusing to give a straight answer

Annabelle Cane: I told you, I literally do not think I can at the moment

Annabelle Cane: I’m grasping around the edges of something, I’m only able to see it by uncovering the effects of the pattern on others

Annabelle Cane: I have to ask questions, so we can both understand this for ourselves

Jonathan Sims: I understand, and I do appreciate this process

Jonathan Sims: I’m sorry

Jonathan Sims: I snipe reflexively when I feel defensive

Jonathan Sims: I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m reacting

Jonathan Sims: badly

Annabelle Cane: Yes

Annabelle Cane: I’m in the same situation

Annabelle Cane: I shouldn’t be needling at you, either

Jonathan Sims: you’re right, though

Jonathan Sims: if I see, and you make connections

Jonathan Sims: we need to uncover this together, with whatever means are at our disposal

Annabelle Cane: Thank you

Annabelle Cane: Sincerely, thank you

Annabelle Cane: And I have a feeling for what comes next

Annabelle Cane: So, another question:

Annabelle Cane: How did the people on the other side of the rift interpret the hard drive that was sent to them?

Jonathan Sims: how am I supposed to know the answer to that?

Annabelle Cane: You’re not. But you are.

Jonathan Sims: elaborate, please

Annabelle Cane: How would *you* interpret a mysterious hard drive? How do you see the statements? How would you read a message left by someone you don’t know, and know you can never know?

Jonathan Sims: it’s

Jonathan Sims: well

Jonathan Sims: I suppose as 

Jonathan Sims: something like a story

Annabelle Cane: So. Is a story true?

Jonathan Sims: yes, and no. both for a given value of true

Annabelle Cane: And in this specific case?

Jonathan Sims: exactly that

Jonathan Sims: what we sent was a depiction of a true event, for us. but it’s nevertheless informed by our framing of it

Annabelle Cane: Are you living a true event, in your dreams?

Jonathan Sims: yes

Jonathan Sims: but

Annabelle Cane: But?

Jonathan Sims: but it’s framed.

Annabelle Cane: It’s a story.

Jonathan Sims: and it’s being filtered in the projection of it

Jonathan Sims: like I said before, I think

Jonathan Sims: it really doesn’t feel like I’m dreaming the lived experience of my alternate self

Jonathan Sims: so that means...

Annabelle Cane: Hearsay

Annabelle Cane: A story told by someone else

Jonathan Sims: so let me get this straight.

Jonathan Sims: in simple words

Jonathan Sims: the dimension I’m dreaming of isn’t the dimension we’re connected to. rather, the dream dimension isn’t sending the dreams, there’s a third party. a dimension that received both stories?

Jonathan Sims: and that’s the one I’m connected to

Jonathan Sims: but why are they broadcasting? why now?

Jonathan Sims: what sparked this?

Jonathan Sims: El*as’s planned apocalypse, may he rot in hell, would have been last year, this other dimension is late

Jonathan Sims: the one I’m connected to. or the one where the apocalypse actually happened. 

Jonathan Sims: or both

Jonathan Sims: hello there, budding migraine

Annabelle Cane: Would time work the same way across dimensions?

Jonathan Sims: I see what you mean, but the story is episodic and punctual

Jonathan Sims: it does feel like there’s some sort of schedule involved

Annabelle Cane: There might well be, but the schedule as you see it may not be the schedule as they see it

Jonathan Sims: how cryptic

Jonathan Sims: what can pass through the rift, Annabelle?

Annabelle Cane: After the hard drive, only very small things

Annabelle Cane: A strand of silk

Annabelle Cane: A thought, with enough power behind it, if everything was in the right place at the right time and all the connections were perfect

Jonathan Sims: so this is an event, in another dimension, that involves a version of me

Jonathan Sims: which is being told as an episodic story to yet another dimension

Jonathan Sims: and is then being transmitted into my head, along a connection that you made

Annabelle Cane: And mine

Annabelle Cane: Like I said, I’m not seeing visions like you are, but I know the threads to pull to shape the story

Annabelle Cane: Every story has a protagonist and a narrator

Jonathan Sims: ...

Jonathan Sims: I need to think about this.

Annabelle Cane: Me too

Annabelle Cane: Fuck 

Annabelle Cane: I honestly wasn’t expecting to get anywhere near as close as I think we just got

Jonathan Sims: fuck is the right word for it

Jonathan Sims: I have such a headache

Annabelle Cane: Yet another thing we have in common, Archivist

Jonathan Sims: I need to tell the others about this

Annabelle Cane: You probably should

Annabelle Cane: I’m not sure if it involves them in the same way, but they are involved

Annabelle Cane: You’re all one side of the story

Jonathan Sims: mm

Jonathan Sims: but tomorrow

Jonathan Sims: right now I think I need to sleep for 12 straight hours

Annabelle Cane: That’s fair enough, I think I’ll do the same

---

“dream detective squad”

Jonny Scrimshaw: spoke to Annabelle

gorm the unflappable: and???

Jonny Scrimshaw: it was a lot

Jonny Scrimshaw: v tired

Jonny Scrimshaw: will send screenshots in the morning

titillandus studswell: :0 boss how dare u keep us waiting

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Whoa okay hes literally falling asleep in the chair so uh im gonna step in and say yep youve definitely gotta wait til tomorrow

titillandus studswell: the antici

---

10:42 P.M.

titillandus studswell: pation

gm and ensemble npc cast: pfft

Aloysius p quimblethorp: Good Night, tim :PP

---

Tuesday, 11:01 A.M.

Jonny Scrimshaw: it’s time

Viscountess Hellion: Ominous

gorm the unflappable: fucking finally 

gorm the unflappable: what kept u?

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: We had a talk

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Not about this

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Well, not directly

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Anyway it was very nice and very appreciated <333

Jonny Scrimshaw: xx

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: But he hasnt given me any spoilers if thats what youre worried about so lets get on with it!!!

Jonny Scrimshaw: thank you, Martin

Jonny Scrimshaw: brace yourselves

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

Jonathan Sims sent a screenshot

---

11:08 A.M.

gm and ensemble npc cast: holy mother of fuck

titillandus studswell: ^^^

thomesse 10-k: yep

gorm the unflappable: so let me get this straight

gorm the unflappable: people in the parallel world we sent our chat logs into are now beaming another parallel world's version of u into ur head

gorm the unflappable: and it's released on a schedule because apocalypse world is a story to them

gorm the unflappable: and so are we

Jonny Scrimshaw: that appears to be the sum of it, yes

gorm the unflappable: that’s some wack-ass shit

Jonny Scrimshaw: again, yes

Viscountess Hellion: Okay I can see why you were so exhausted last night

Viscountess Hellion: Interdimensional multiversal fuckery messes with my head, and I don’t even have spooky powers to bring to bear on it

gorm the unflappable: so what do we do

Jonny Scrimshaw: I don’t think there’s anything we can do, at this stage

thomesse 10-k: yes there is?

thomesse 10-k: break the connection

thomesse 10-k: easy

Jonny Scrimshaw: no, I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that

Jonny Scrimshaw: we sent our messages to them for a reason

Jonny Scrimshaw: what if their messages are coming to us for a similar one?

Jonny Scrimshaw: I don’t want to cut the tether until I know we don’t need to help anyone

thomesse 10-k: i don’t like it

thomesse 10-k: we should be keeping ourselves safe

thomesse 10-k: but i can understand it

thomesse 10-k: we did do what we did to protect other people

gm and ensemble npc cast: jon

gm and ensemble npc cast: the most important question in my mind is

gm and ensemble npc cast: is being connected to this dangerous?

gm and ensemble npc cast: i mean, do they want to hurt you?

Jonny Scrimshaw: no.

Jonny Scrimshaw: no to both.

Jonny Scrimshaw: I’m Sure of it

Jonny Scrimshaw: I Know it's not malicious. 

gm and ensemble npc cast: then we just have to trust you, and trust them

Jonny Scrimshaw: thank you, Sasha

Jonny Scrimshaw: I'm glad

Jonny Scrimshaw: ...and I'll admit, I am incredibly curious to see how this ends

Jonny Scrimshaw: I don't think it can end well, unfortunately

Jonny Scrimshaw: but I still have hope

gm and ensemble npc cast: that’s good, at least

Viscountess Hellion: So now we know what this is, to some sort of degree

Viscountess Hellion: Which means we can properly research it

thomesse 10-k: you have books on parallel universe dreams?

thomesse 10-k: i know what’s in our bookshelves, and that ain’t it

Viscountess Hellion: Well, I don’t, but the library here might

gm and ensemble npc cast: oh man yeah i’m gonna be living in the library

gm and ensemble npc cast: this is actually very cool

Jonny Scrimshaw: would you like to be the one living through it, Sasha?

gm and ensemble npc cast: ...

gm and ensemble npc cast: hey

gm and ensemble npc cast: you’re the one who said he’s incredibly curious about it all

Jonny Scrimshaw: touche

Jonny Scrimshaw: I do desperately need to know

Jonny Scrimshaw: so we’re alright with me leaving it be, for now?

Viscountess Hellion: Yeah, I’m better with that now

thomesse 10-k: i’m not, but i get why you’re doing it

thomesse 10-k: i can put up

titillandus studswell: im just fkn jazzed we vaguely kno whats going on so its fine by me

gm and ensemble npc cast: i’m in jon’s camp

gm and ensemble npc cast: i need to know everything about this story holy shit

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: You already know im fine with it, love <33

gorm the unflappable: as long as u stop it if it gets extra shitty

gorm the unflappable: u guys know i’m all for the spooky, but not to the point of it being dangerous

gorm the unflappable: but it’s ur brain, jon

gorm the unflappable: so it’s well within ur rights to be a dumbass with it

Jonny Scrimshaw: thanks for the vote of confidence, Melanie

gorm the unflappable: any time

Viscountess Hellion: And Melanie’s right, I suppose we know what we can do if it comes to it

gorm the unflappable: slap annabelle until she breaks the web?

Viscountess Hellion: Or something to that effect

Viscountess Hellion: Still tell us if weird things are happening in the dreams, okay Jon?

Jonny Scrimshaw: I will

Jonny Scrimshaw: I mean, if they’re weirder than normal, for the apocalypse

Viscountess Hellion: Fine

titillandus studswell: wait boss iv been thinking

Viscountess Hellion: Dangerous

titillandus studswell: no this is good

titillandus studswell: boss if ur in two stories that a parallel universe is getting

titillandus studswell: w enough readership? viewership? idk

titillandus studswell: to be able to broadcast shit

titillandus studswell: u realise that makes u a double celeb

Jonny Scrimshaw: no

Jonny Scrimshaw: Tim

titillandus studswell: nup im not letting this one go >:D

titillandus studswell: my boss the interdimensional superstar

Timothy Stoker changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to jon sims interdimensional superstar

Timothy Stoker renamed the group “interdimensional superstar + entourage”

jon sims interdimensional superstar: Timothy

jon sims interdimensional superstar: I don’t think this is

titillandus studswell: tooooooooo late

titillandus studswell: own ur stardom boss

titillandus studswell: im just gonna bask in the glow of ur reflected glory

jon sims interdimensional superstar: while you do your work?

titillandus studswell: nah ur on holidays u cant boss me around anymore

gm and ensemble npc cast: but i can!

gm and ensemble npc cast: c’mon tim

gm and ensemble npc cast: actually, c’mon gang

gm and ensemble npc cast: we’ve got some weird wormhole shit to get researching

---

7:10 P.M.

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: Martin

Jonathan Sims: Martin are you there this is important

Martin Blackwood: Yes im here im here!!!!

Martin Blackwood: Whats the problem????

Jonathan Sims: Martin I’m about to die

Martin Blackwood: What

Martin Blackwood: Fuck

Martin Blackwood: Where ar eyou???? Im coming

Jonathan Sims: of overwhelming cuteness

Jonathan Sims: oh no don’t worry! shit

Martin Blackwood: Jesus fucking christ jon i nearly had a heart attack!!!!!! Warn a guy next time?????

Martin Blackwood: Mother of god

Jonathan Sims: sorry!

Jonathan Sims: that was in exceptionally poor taste

Martin Blackwood: That it was, sir

Jonathan Sims: but Martin look

Jonathan Sims sent a photo

[Image ID: A calico cat in an alleyway, looking into the camera with mild curiosity.]

Martin Blackwood: !!!!!

Martin Blackwood: Whos this little fellow??

Jonathan Sims: no collar

Jonathan Sims: she let me take her picture but she wouldn’t let me get much closer

Jonathan Sims: but she was very patient

Jonathan Sims: and interested in what I was doing

Jonathan Sims: she followed me from the high street all the way to number 47

Martin Blackwood: I love her jon

Jonathan Sims: well unlike you, I don’t give my heart away so quickly.

Martin Blackwood: We both know thats such a lie :’’’)

Jonathan Sims: it is

Jonathan Sims: I need her to be my friend about three weeks ago

Martin Blackwood: Im love her

Jonathan Sims: oh

Jonathan Sims: she’s gone

Jonathan Sims: just headed down a lane

Martin Blackwood: Youll see her again tho???

Martin Blackwood: *Well* see her again????

Jonathan Sims: most definitely

Jonathan Sims: you need to meet her in person

Martin Blackwood: Good :)

Jonathan Sims: :)

Jonathan Sims: I’ll be home in a couple of minutes, love x

Martin Blackwood: See you soon x

Chapter Text

Wednesday, 11:03 A.M.

Sonja Zhao to Rosie Kendall

Sonja Zhao: I hate to say it but

Sonja Zhao: it’s been strangely quiet in the archives lately

Rosie Kendall: No

Rosie Kendall: No no no no no no 

Rosie Kendall: Don’t you dare say that, you’ve worked here long enough

Rosie Kendall: You know that’s a fucking summoning spell

Sonja Zhao: you think I’m not counting on that?

Rosie Kendall: When you have to deal with the fallout you’re doing it on your own, my love

Sonja Zhao: you wouldn’t help me?

Sonja Zhao: your beloved fiancee?

Rosie Kendall: Not when it’s the archives’ messes

Rosie Kendall: Those, I like to stand back from and laugh from the sidelines

Sonja Zhao: may I just remind you that I’m the boss

Rosie Kendall: Yeah

Rosie Kendall: But also

Rosie Kendall: Nah

Sonja Zhao: you're awful

Rosie Kendall: You love me ;)

Sonja Zhao: apparently

Sonja Zhao: ...and you were right

Rosie Kendall: I know

Rosie Kendall: What about, specifically? 

Sonja Zhao: the summoning spell for archives shenanigans

Rosie Kendall: Oh no

Sonja Zhao: yeah it's all kicking off down there

---

Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood

Jonathan Sims: shit

Martin Blackwood: Whats wrong???

Jonathan Sims: archives

Jonathan Sims: something's happening

Martin Blackwood: What sort of something? 

Jonathan Sims: not a bad thing I think

Jonathan Sims: just something

---

Melanie King to Sasha James

Melanie King: no

Melanie King: no way in hell

Melanie King: u’re getting this as a pm because i just cannot fucking believe

Sasha James: ???

Melanie King: there’s fucking

Melanie King: biscuits

Melanie King: in one of the drawers of the filing cabinet

Sasha James: there’s. what

Melanie King: Yeah

Melanie King: I Know

Melanie King sent an image

[Image ID: A small packet of three chocolate biscuits, torn open, with two biscuits half-eaten.]

Sasha James: well that shit ain’t gonna fly

---

“arsonists united”

madam president: i'm calling a whole-archives meeting

madam president: this shit is Not On

Sasha James forwarded an image

madam president: melanie found this in one of the drawers

communications director king: yeah who was in d7 last

vice president hussain: I've been working through the Dark statements in D11

chief of staff tonner: you think i would willingly do filing

madam president: tim

press secretary stoker: i swear to god it wasnt me

press secretary stoker: i kno i commit to the bit mayhap a lil too much on occasion but even i know not to uhhhh put foodstuffs in the document storage filing cabinets

press secretary stoker: i respect the fuckin files

madam president: hmmm

madam president: could it have been jon? martin?

communications director king: do. do u really have to ask that

madam president: yeah okay that was the longest of long shots

madam president: but then whomst

---

“interdimensional superstar + entourage”

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Lads jon senses a disturbance in the force back at work???? Whats up???

Viscountess Hellion: Biscuits in D7

jon sims interdimensional superstar: no. 

gorm the unflappable: fucking yes

jon sims interdimensional superstar: where did they come from

gm and ensemble npc cast: that's what i'd like to know

titillandus studswell: i promise u it wasnt any of us

titillandus studswell: not even me

titillandus studswell: b4 u ask

jon sims interdimensional superstar: I wasn’t going to

jon sims interdimensional superstar: I know everyone in my archives respects the files

titillandus studswell: thank u

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Omgggg 

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: How long have they been there then?????

gm and ensemble npc cast: another fantastic question martin!!

gm and ensemble npc cast: another truly fucking fantastic question !

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: It mustve been someone in the archives before us???

gm and ensemble npc cast: !

gm and ensemble npc cast: good idea!

gm and ensemble npc cast: i’m gonna ask gerry

jon sims interdimensional superstar: and Michael?

jon sims interdimensional superstar: it’s a shot in the dark, but he was one of Gertrude’s assistants

gm and ensemble npc cast: both of you are my beloveds and need to come back from leave immediately 

gm and ensemble npc cast: (but also stay on leave bc sonja will be Pissed if you come back early lol)

gm and ensemble npc cast: we’re still gonna have a full archives online meeting though, with all of us *and* those two

Viscountess Hellion: Me and Dais can run an interrogation, if you'd like

thomesse 10-k: fuck yes

gm and ensemble npc cast: oh god would i ever

titillandus studswell: for those of u playing at home the identical look of glee in sash basira and daisys eyes is frankly fuckin terrifying

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Omgggg not surprising tho :'''')

gm and ensemble npc cast: k the meeting/ interrogation should be in 10 min or so! i gotta wrangle the others, so just wait for me to add you to the group :P

Aloysius p quimblethorp esq.: Aye aye 

thomesse 10-k: more time not filing?

thomesse 10-k: fucking ideal

gm and ensemble npc cast: i’ll get michael, can someone read out gerry?

titillandus studswell: on it boss :D

jon sims interdimensional superstar: you know I could just

jon sims interdimensional superstar: actually, you know what? never mind

jon sims interdimensional superstar: you seem to have this covered.

gm and ensemble npc cast: :thumbs up emoji:

gm and ensemble npc cast: see you in 10!

---

Sonja Zhao to Rosie Kendall

Sonja Zhao: there’s shit in the filing cabinets apparently

Rosie Kendall: Literal?

Sonja Zhao: oh god I hope not

Sonja Zhao: a) that’s fucking gross and raises far more questions

Sonja Zhao: and b) it’d be an unmarked not-properly-stored biohazard

Sonja Zhao: I would have to do. so much paperwork

Rosie Kendall: God forbid

Sonja Zhao: god forbid indeed

Sonja Zhao: no it was just someone’s old rubbish tucked in one of the archive drawers

Rosie Kendall: Still pretty gross

Sonja Zhao: yup

Rosie Kendall: So you finally got around to installing those security cameras in the archives, then?

Sonja Zhao: wdym?

Sonja Zhao: oh that yeah I remember, just in case something else creepy went on down there

Sonja Zhao: no, unfortunately

Sonja Zhao: I did try the other week, but the electrician I called was booked up for about two months

Sonja Zhao: I’ll make a note to remind myself

Rosie Kendall: It’s not surprising everyone’s booked tbh

Sonja Zhao: yeah

Sonja Zhao: remember when I tried to get a plumber to come to the flat that time the hot water system packed it in?

Sonja Zhao: we didn’t have hot water for a good week and a half 

Rosie Kendall: Oof

Rosie Kendall: Yeah

Rosie Kendall: And we had to shower in Amelia’s flat

Rosie Kendall: God I still can’t look her in the eye after all that

Sonja Zhao: you and me both

Sonja Zhao: okay well I’m going to purge that memory from my brain by getting back to work, I suppose

Rosie Kendall: Good plan

Rosie Kendall: Think I’ll do the same

---

My Galaxy A71 -- Sonja Zhao // Notes App

Title: Reminders

* buy milk

* birthday card!!!!

* book electrician for work

---

Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims

Martin Blackwood: So i take it youre not going to tell them you can just Know this particular bit of info??

Jonathan Sims: it looks like they’re having fun

Jonathan Sims: I don’t want to spoil that for them

Jonathan Sims: particularly Sasha

Martin Blackwood: You would *not* be saying that if you were in the office with her right now :’))))

Jonathan Sims: you’re right

Jonathan Sims: but we’re here

Jonathan Sims: far, far away from the office.

Jonathan Sims: so I’m happy to watch the chaos unfold from a distance

Martin Blackwood: :DD

Martin Blackwood: I love you when youre like this

Jonathan Sims: :)

---

“spitty tea squad aka future beer pong CHAMPIONS”

Sasha James: fuck i need to change this chat name

Sasha James: uh

Sasha James: hi? distortion?

Sasha James: is michael around?

m̵̗͂a̷̯̔y̸̪͠b̶̉͜ê̷͍

w̶̡̐ḧ̷́͜y̵̜̑?̵͓̓

Sasha James: i need to speak to him

w̷͓͐h̶̥͗a̵̪̐t̴͚̀ ̵͕̐ả̷͍b̴͌͜o̶̰̍u̵͖̅t̴͖̒?̷͇̚

Sasha James: stuff that happened while he was an archival assistant, maybe

t̸̾͜h̷̥̀ẹ̶̅ṅ̸̘ ̴͈̏n̵͓͝ó̵̻

h̶̬͊e̶̬͗’̷͔̈́s̸͈̓ ̴̱̆ṋ̶̈́o̵̧t̸̼̐ ̸͙̌a̷͖͝ṙ̷̝o̴̙̚ư̶̮n̶͍̉d̷̹͘

Sasha James: oh no not like that!

Sasha James: there are biscuits in the filing cabinet and i need to know where they’re from

h̵͖́m̶̳͑m̷̮̎m̸͎̐

i̶̜͑ ̴͍͑c̵̩̃ǒ̴̼u̴̘̔l̵̝̓d̷̲̿ ̴͇g̴̤̈́e̶̱̋t̷̖͂ ̸̖̈́h̷̦͒i̵͈͠m̸̺̃

i̴̭̚ ̸̬̒s̶͙̕ụ̵͒p̵͕̊p̶̢͒ö̴̝ş̸̀e̸̳͝

b̴̧͂u̵̲̕ẗ̸̘ ̶̧͋w̶̞͝h̸̼͑a̵͈̓t̵̨͂’̴̤͒ṡ̵͙ ̶̥̋i̶͎͐t̸͓͂ ̵̨͑w̶̧͗ő̴̱ř̸͈t̸̜̎h̷͉̓ ̷̭́t̷̞o̶̖̚ ̵͘ͅm̸̥̈́e̵̛̤?̵̰̆

Sasha James: helen i swear to god

i̵͚̚ ̴̳̒w̴̲̔ą̵͂n̷̹̑t̵̢͆ ̷̛̗t̶̺̃o̴̹̕ ̵̖̈h̷̹͠ē̵̟l̷͍͆p̸̮͊,̷̲̌ ̴̦̌i̶̙̚ ̸͒͜r̷̮̃e̷̙͂a̴̳̓l̸̗̓l̸̲̍y̴̦̚ ̶̱̓ḓ̷̌ơ̶̥,̵̨͛ ̷̨͐b̷̨͑u̶͈͝t̵̞͗

y̵̘̔o̷̭̓u̴͗͜ ̴̦͂k̴̻͗n̷͈̿o̵͍̽w̸͎̎ ̶̠͝h̷̩̾o̶̡͝w̶̙̋ ̸̙̓t̶̙͝h̷̭̃e̴̙̎s̶͚͑e̵̗͂ ̸̞͘t̸̔͜ȟ̶̻i̴͕͗n̵͍̊g̶̮̑s̸̼̾ ̴̱ã̷̮r̸̐͜e̴͔͘

Sasha James: fine i will go on one (1) coffee date with you but i can guarantee right now it’ll be fairly uncomfortable for both of us

i̷̖͂’̸͍̒l̷̮̐l̶̟̽ ̴̠͗b̵͈̒é̶̩ ̷͈̄ţ̴̔ḩ̶̊ę̸̌ ̴̗͑j̷̠̈́u̴̲͌ḑ̶̿ḡ̵̺e̷̩͒ ̵̢͝o̸͖f̵̞̀ ̶̙͆t̴̼̃h̶̫͊a̶̖̚t̷͔̑!̵̢̃

o̷͕͐k̶̟̚å̵͇y̸͈,̸̢̍ ̶̼̃ì̷ͅ’̴̢̂l̷̘̐l̵̠̈́ ̵͕̓g̴͍̍ḙ̴͝t̶͙́ ̶̭̓m̵͙͗i̷̢̽c̸͖̐h̵̤͐a̸̢͊ȅ̶̩l̷̤̈́

o̴̹̓h̶̘͗,̴̮̓ ̷̫̐i̵͖̚t̶̝͠s̸̰̆ ̴̺̕t̴̮h̵̥̀ę̷̊ ̵̻̆l̶͙͗i̸̺͑ẗ̸̡́t̵̃͜l̶̝̇e̴̮̕ ̷̥̑ạ̷͐r̵̢͂c̸̭̈́h̷͎̅i̶͉̚v̸̱̾ȋ̷͓s̸͍̕t̸̞͘!̵̫̍

a̵͉͝h̶̲̉ą̴̈ẖ̵͆a̸̩͑ḧ̶̪a̵̰͇͒͊h̵̥̃͜a̵̳̰̎h̵̭̯̥̄̌͠ä̷̰͍̈́̔,̸̘̌ ̶̦̆h̶̟͌ẹ̸̾l̴͍͝l̶̼͒o̷̰̒

Sasha James: yep hi

Sasha James: we’re having an online meeting for any and all archival assistants who are still alive (fully or semi)

Sasha James: can you come, please?

w̶̠͌ḧ̶͇́a̷̳̋t̷̢͗s̵̲͂ ̶̖͗w̷̛͉r̴̗͒ȏ̵̳n̵̝̕g̵̳͛

Sasha James: nothing like. gertrude bad

Sasha James: just something irritating

t̶̯̕h̵̩̃ȇ̴̦ñ̷͈ ̸̇ͅc̶̲̑o̸͉͠u̴̲̿n̸̮̐t̷̻͒ ̴̛͙m̷̤̈́e̷̥̓ ̵̪͠i̴̙͗n̸̫!̷̺̉

a̶͠ͅh̵̙a̴͙̚ḧ̷̠́ą̸͐ḧ̷̭́a̷̠͝h̴͔̿a̵̜͌h̶͚̎a̸͔͒̿͆ḧ̵̖ä̵͇́̽́h̶̪̮̼̄ä̷̜̙͇́̽̕ḩ̸̟͚̏̈̈́̀͑͌ã̴̛̬̮̮̙̼̊̇h̷͓̞̯̦̙̿̈́̈̒͊͌͜͝a̸̡̧̢͔̙̖͒̂

Sasha James: i am full of regret!

h̸͍̎e̴̹̎l̵̻͛l̵͇͝o̴̹̊,̷͈͝ ̶̘̚f̶̳̕u̸̻̕l̸͇̃ļ̸̕ ̶̐ͅo̴͇͂f̶̭̎ ̵͚͐ȓ̶̠ë̵͙g̸͍̅r̷̛͜e̴̬͐t̴͇̀

Sasha James: no

i̷̼̊m̷̨̓ ̷͓̄m̴̬̎ị̵̓c̷͓̓h̷͓̑a̵ͅę̵̓l̵͊ͅ

Sasha James: n o

Sasha James: i’m tempted to cancel the meeting on the grounds of that alone but this is too important

Sasha James: no

Sasha James: i see you typing, don’t you dare do this with every single message that starts with “i am” or a derivative

f̷̭i̸͇͠n̶̠̍e̵͇͛

Sasha James: anyway, see you at the meeting?

o̵͉̐f̴̳͝ ̶̙͐c̴̖͆o̶͉̿u̶̹̚r̸̦͊s̷͖͌e̴̙

ȉ̶̳t̸̻͊ ̴͍̿l̸̟͂ỏ̵ͅò̸̹k̷̤͌s̵̩͊ ̴̟̒i̵̞̓ň̷̟ṯ̷̕ẻ̴̟r̷͍͗e̸͍̓s̶͍̕t̶͙̒ĭ̶̩ṇ̸͌g̵̗͘

ā̶̺ṅ̴̡d̴̲̈ ̸̟̒ī̸͙ ̶̢̽l̵̖̋ḭ̴̓k̷̳̿e̶͎͊ ̶̢̅i̶̟̓n̴͘͜ẗ̶̜́e̵̛͔r̸͉̐ê̵̻ș̵̍ṱ̴̒i̶͕̕n̶̜g̷̹͘

a̵͉͝h̶̲̉ą̴̈ẖ̵͆a̸̩͑ḧ̶̪a̵̰͇͒͊h̵̥̃͜a̵̳̰̎h̵̭̯̥̄̌͠ä̷̰͍̈́̔

Sasha James: fab! it starts in 5, just pop that sweet lil door of yours in the new chat

:thumbs up emoji, but the thumb is just a bit too long:

s̶̨̚o̷̮,̶͓͒ ̷̫̿i̷̼ ̵̨̿h̶̙͛a̸͈̎v̵͔̔e̷̘̔ ̶̲̒ḁ̶̃ ̷̇ͅ“̴̞͠s̸͓̈́ẉ̷̆e̷̞̐e̵̹̒t̴͎̆ ̸̗̐l̷̟̃i̶̪͝l̵͓̚ ̴̝͊d̶͐ͅo̶̢ö̶̘r̴̬͂,̸͕̾”̷̨͋ ̶̯̒t̵͉̾h̴̺̚e̵̱͝ṅ̵̺?̸̥͂

Sasha James: i take it michael’s gone, then?

Sasha James: hi, helen

h̵̻͂i̷͔͊ ̶̊ͅs̶̢̑ȁ̵͖s̸̖̉h̵̗̋ạ̷̔ ̵̙̀:̵͍͒)̵̺̏

í̸̳’̷̝͗m̸̨̊ ̶̫̋l̴͍̃ȍ̶̺ö̵̭́k̶͝ͅi̵͕͌n̶̦̈ḡ̷̥ ̵͔͌f̷̣̒o̵̦͗r̵̮͘w̶͕̄ă̷̖r̷̹̊d̵͉̋ ̵͇̎t̶̟̚ȯ̵͉ ̸̬̋ò̷̘u̶̺̕r̷̳͝ ̵͇̃c̸̨̒o̵̩̚f̶̹͒f̵̱͊ê̶͉ë̶͍́ ̷̞̕d̴͎̄ą̵̍t̴̢̊ê̵͍

e̸͚̕v̶̪̏e̶̡͋n̷̗̈́ ̵̖͌i̶̍ͅf̵͙͆ ̸̥̚y̸͔͐ǒ̶̡ȕ̷͔’̵̟̕r̸̼̃e̶͙̋ ̸͓̑n̶̰͊ö̸͜t̸͍̑

Sasha James: look, that’s not entirely true

Sasha James: i genuinely like you

Sasha James: and i sure as hell like going for coffee

Sasha James: and i’m incredibly jazzed to see how a normal social interaction + an avatar who’s actually closer to a manifestation of one of the entities will end up

Sasha James: i’m just not a dater

Sasha James: or a romance person, full stop

Sasha James: tried it a couple of times, ya know, scientific curiosity and all, but it never felt right

Sasha James: not the specific person, but the whole thing

Sasha James: that whole “spark” deal just wasn’t happening

Sasha James: there’s someone

Sasha James: i mean, there are people! that i care about very much!

Sasha James: but i’m aro as fuck, so

a̷̼͋h̷͚̔ȟ̴͚h̷̻̉

i̵͚̔ ̵͔͊s̶͓̍ę̴̍e̵͖̍

a̷̠͝h̴͔̿a̵̜͌h̶͚̎a̸͔͒̿͆ḧ̵̖ä̵͇́̽́h̶̪̮̼̄ä̷̜̙͇́̽̕ḩ̸̟͚̏̈̈́̀͑͌ã̴̛̬̮̮̙̼̊̇h̷͓̞̯̦̙̿̈́̈̒͊͌͜͝a̸̡̧̢͔̙̖͒̂

t̵͙͋h̷̤͊ë̶̟́n̵̩̓ ̴̧̓i̴̮͌t̶̘̔’̵̡̍s̷̘̔ ̸̬̉n̷̠̅o̵͍͆t̸̳̚ ̶̧͛ḁ̸̚ ̶͔̓d̵͚̂ä̴͖t̸̜̓e̶͈̾

i̷̻̓t̴̘̒’̷͔̒s̵̞̃ ̵̮t̴̞̄w̵̞̓o̶̺͌ ̷̩͊f̷̰͌ȑ̵̦i̴̦̚ë̵́͜ň̸͚d̶͓̐s̸͎͝ ̶̪̍c̶͈̄ạ̵͂t̶̢̉c̷̻̉h̴̞̚i̸̖͠n̷̮̍g̴̖̀ ̵̥͑ǔ̸̻p̴̛̖ ̵̗̆f̶͖͂o̸͕̕r̷̛͙ ̶̠̓c̸̦ő̵͍f̴͔́f̴̜̾e̸̫͛e̶̐͜

Sasha James: that, i can do with pleasure

t̴̳̐ḧ̵͚ả̸̩n̴͉̈́k̶̜̔ ̸̬̈y̸͓̋o̷͓̐u̵͔ ̶͚̀f̴͍̎ō̵̧r̵͚̈́ ̷͎̂t̷̺̊ė̴̪l̴̺̑l̷̪̉i̷̦͊n̸̦͝ģ̶̛ ̶͓̉m̵̩̏e̷̲̚ ̴̩̕t̴̒͜h̷̻͗i̵͎̎s̴̺̓,̶̮̄ ̸̝̉t̶̮͆h̸̟̊o̷̲͗û̸̥g̵̖̈́h̵̦̔

i̵̼̾ ̷͇͆d̵̲i̷̭̚d̴̦̈́ ̸̭̄ḧ̶̩́a̶̡͠v̸̞̈e̵͈̅ ̷̰̊m̶̫̏y̴̳̅ ̴̝s̶͙͘ŭ̶͙s̶̞̓p̶̱̈́î̷̤c̸̲̐i̵̻o̶̯̐n̸͈̒s̴̳͝

Sasha James: hang on

Sasha James: then why

:̷̯̚)̸̨̈́

Sasha James: helen

d̵͜͝o̴͙̓n̶̥̒’̶̯̋ţ̵́ ̶͈͛ÿ̶͇́o̷͈͝u̶̧͋ ̴̢̈́h̷͚͠a̶̘̿v̶̛̦e̵̤̓ ̵̘̇a̷̱͆ ̸̨̊m̶̡̍ḛ̶͋e̴̒ͅt̸̝͗i̶̘͊n̴̮͋g̵̹̐ ̴͉̑t̷̫͌o̸͚͑ ̸͉͂ḡ̵̘ȩ̴͝t̸͔ ̸͈͘t̴̼͛o̵̲͑?̷̻̐

a̷̠͝h̴͔̿a̵̜͌h̶͚̎a̸͔͒̿͆ḧ̵̖ä̵͇́̽́h̶̪̮̼̄ä̷̜̙͇́̽̕ḩ̸̟͚̏̈̈́̀͑͌ã̴̛̬̮̮̙̼̊̇h̷͓̞̯̦̙̿̈́̈̒͊͌͜͝a̸̡̧̢͔̙̖͒̂

---

My Galaxy A71 -- Sonja Zhao // Notes App

Title: Reminders

* buy milk

* birthday card!!!!

* book electrician for work

* find out why I knew what was going on in the archives without there being cameras there

---

“arsonists united”

madam president: help me michael is making dad jokes and helen is being Weird 

vice president hussain: Define Weird

madam president: like when she was trying to matchmake jon and martin Weird

press secretary stoker: :eyes emoji:

madam president: jesus christ

madam president: daisy i saw that eyebrow raise

madam president: we’re not in high school omg

personal aide to the president delano: changing the subject

madam president: my hero

madam president: gerry is the one person in these archives i respect

personal aide to the president delano: lol 

personal aide to the president delano: no but i guess the dad jokes make sense

personal aide to the president delano: he’d be about my dad’s age

personal aide to the president delano: they used to work together, and all

personal aide to the president delano: or so i hear, i never really got to know him

press secretary stoker: fuck

press secretary stoker: yeah

press secretary stoker: that sucks, man

personal aide to the president delano: yep

personal aide to the president delano: sorry guys, meant to change the subject to something less awkward and here we are

vice president hussain: Well hold on, because I’m about to make it even more awkward

chief of staff tonner: basira

vice president hussain: I know what I’m doing, hush

vice president hussain: Gerry, I have to ask

vice president hussain: Didn’t your mum. Uh. You know

vice president hussain: With the book

personal aide to the president delano: yep

personal aide to the president delano: never really spoke to him though, mum wasn’t too keen on that

vice president hussain: Yeah

vice president hussain: Sorry

vice president hussain: But can we try reading the two of you out at the same time?

personal aide to the president delano: i mean

personal aide to the president delano: i always assumed you couldn’t have it powering two people at the same time

communications director king: no but hold on

communications director king: u can have u and a beer out

personal aide to the president delano: i suppose

personal aide to the president delano: i just never thought to try it

chief of staff tonner: you’re all thinking it, aren’t you

vice president hussain: You say that like you’re not as well

chief of staff tonner: cannot confirm.

madam president: and your dad was an archival assistant back in the day too holy shit

madam president: we definitely have to try this omfg

---

My Galaxy A71 -- Sonja Zhao // Notes App

Title: Reminders

* buy milk

* birthday card!!!!

* book electrician for work

* find out why I knew what was going on in the archives without there being cameras there

* send email

---

Sasha James added Timothy Stoker , Martin Blackwood , Jonathan Sims , Melanie King , Alice Tonner , Basira Hussain and Gerard Keay to the group

Gerard Keay changed his nickname to gerry delano

Alice Tonner changed her nickname to daisy

Sasha James renamed the group “archival assistants past & present”

Sasha James: now before any of you say anything i’m making this a video call because it’s stupid to have everyone here on separate phones so hang on

Sasha James is calling…

[Video call begins. The first screen to open shows the archives team clustered around a laptop--presumably Sasha’s, as she’s in the centre of the frame. Around her are Tim, Melanie, Daisy, Basira, and the slightly translucent form of Gerry, as well as another slightly translucent person--another man, in his late thirties, with short ginger hair and a long face much like Gerry’s. A few moments later, another screen opens, showing Jon and Martin sitting together on the couch in the safehouse.]

Tim: Archival assistants, huh? 

Martin: Yep, hello to you too, Tim. And the rest of the gang!

[Everyone waves, but Tim can’t be deterred.]

Tim: No, but seriously, archival assistants?

[He grins, eyes dancing.]

Tim: Hey Jon, have you ever actually been an archival assistant?

[Jon frowns slightly, then looks deliberately off camera. His silence is conspicuous.]

Daisy: I’m taking that as a no, then.

Tim: You can stay, but you’re on thin ice, boss.

Jon, gravely: I am touched by your magnanimity. 

[He spots the unfamiliar man, and frowns again.]

Jon: I’m sorry, are you--

[Before he can finish the question, a yellow loading window appears on the screen, then fully loads to reveal a familiar blonde figure, who grins at the camera.]

Tim: Ayeeee, Michael!

Michael, with delight: A congregation of archivistlets! How wonderful, ahahah̸̡̿ạ̴͌ḥ̴̭́̐̌ả̸̜̺̚h̵̝͈͇̝͗̂̌̋͝ą̸͖̗̕͠

Basira, unamused: Please never say “archivistlets” again, I’m begging you.

[The ginger man leans forward, turning an ear towards the laptop to hear better.]

Eric: Wait a minute. Is that--are you Michael Shelley?

Michael: Of a sort, I suppose! 

[He frowns, too.]

Michael: Hang on, Eric Delano? I thought you were dead!

[Eric smiles awkwardly.]

Eric: Uh, yeah. I am. It didn’t stick.

Gerry, with a roll of his eyes: Something something bitch mother, something something skin book.

Michael: Oh.

[Eric grimaces, and Gerry winces.]

Gerry: Uh, ignore the bitch bit, dad. I know you liked her, for whatever reason. Although she did kill you, so i’m guessing sentiment is a bit low at the moment.

Eric: You’re not entirely wrong. But Michael, what happened to you?

[Michael shrugs.]

Michael: You’re a ghost, I’m part of the Distortion. Yeah, it turns out Gertrude was hiding a shit tonne of stuff from me, including everything about the entities. Who knew? Ahahaȟ̵̺͉͑ǎ̸̬̅̈́h̴̳̯̣̔͝͠a̸̡̐̃͂̐͠

Eric: Sounds like her. Bitch.

[Michael nods seriously.]

Michael: Yes. And then she threw Michael Shelley into the Spiral to stop a ritual, so here I am.

Eric: That’s fucked up, even for her.

Michael: You’re telling me!

[Eric turns to Gerry.]

Eric: She better have looked out for you like she promised, Gerry.

[Gerry scrunches his face up.]

Gerry: I mean, she wasn’t exactly warm and maternal, but she did, kinda.

Eric: Good. I’d have told you how to quit, Mike, if I realised quite how bad things were.

[Michael’s eyes go wide.]

Michael: You quit? You could do that?

Eric: The old awl treatment.

Martin, interrupting in horror: The what?

Sasha: Wow, okay, this got away from me. Uh, everyone meet Eric—he was one of Gertrude’s assistants, if you haven’t already worked that one out. And Gerry’s dad, again, if you haven’t worked that one out.

[Eric waves awkwardly.]

Sasha: Jon, say hi.

Jon: Uh, hello?

[Eric nods.]

Sasha: Eric, Jon’s the official head archivist—I’m filling in while he’s on leave. Um, but he’s not head archivist in a bitch way, he’s slightly a little bit of a trauma eating Eye avatar, but he’s our trauma eating eye avatar and he’s doing his best! To the point of being a part of the avatar band that helped save the multiverse, so—

[Jon’s cheeks have been flushing darker as she talks.]

Jon, slightly awkwardly: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sasha.

[He frowns, as if he remembers something.]

Jon: And don’t try to separate yourself from the band, everyone in this group apart from Eric is involved in that!

Sasha: I guess! So, the rest of us are archival assistants, as you know because you met all of us when we read you out. Except Martin—

Martin: Hi!

Sasha: —who’s also on leave with Jon, because they’re a sickeningly adorable couple.

Eric: That’s... nice? I hope you two have better luck dating within this mess than I did.

Martin, with a grimace: Fucking oof.

Melanie: Can we. Can we please get on with this. Please.

[Sasha claps her hands briskly.]

Sasha: Yes! Anyway, anyway there’s a reason to you all being here and that is—

[She holds up the open packet of biscuits.]

Sasha: Biscuits in D7. Open biscuits in D7. Do any of you know who committed this heinous crime? Because ants could have got into the archives. Hell, mice could have got into the archives. It’s just bad practice, full stop. So. Whodunnit?

Jon: I think all of us current archival staff already testified to it not being us. So—

Sasha: So, indeed. Basira, Daisy, I turn to you. 

Basira, half-joking as she puts on the interrogator's persona, and half deadly serious: This means it was something that happened before us. And so I look to you three, Eric, Michael and Gerry, who worked in the archives in Gertrude's day. 

Gerry: Wasn't me, I can tell you that much for free. You know what my mum would've done if she caught me disrespecting anything made of paper with writing on? Fuck, that got trained out of me at an early age. 

[Basira coughs pointedly.]

Basira: Burning Leitners doesn't seem like the peak of respect. 

Gerry: Yeah, but did you hear yourself say Leitners? C'mon.

[Basira looks at Daisy, and shrugs in acknowledgement of a valid point.]

Gerry: I wouldn't put biscuits in the filing cabinet, shit. Even if Gertrude did get me to... disorganise? Is that even a word? Disorganise the files, I didn't put food with them. Ew.

Michael: I didn't want to put a toe out of line when I worked here. It's a bit different now, ahahah̶̗̓a̶͊ͅh̷̩͙͝a̶͖͍̿̽̃h̷̩̉́͂̽̔a̶̩̦͇̔

[Daisy frowns.]

Daisy: And you haven’t done it now, just to spite her?

Michael: Why would I have human food?

Basira: Why would you have infinite fractal beer pong cups?

Michael: Good point! But unless these were infinite fractal biscuits, they’re really not my area.

Tim, in a stage whisper: Chrissakes, they’re not infinite fractal biscuits, are they?

Melanie, in the same tone of voice: Nah, just regular.

Tim: Thank fuck.

Basira, in a normal tone of voice: Okay. So, we can rule out post-Distortion Michael, but pre-Distortion...?

Michael: Becoming the Distortion would have been the least of my worries if Gertrude had caught me leaving food in the files. Trust me. Or don’t, ahahạ̸̉h̸͊ͅa̸̫̐ḩ̷̇ả̸̧̫͠h̶̫͕͌̔̚a̷̝̾̂

Eric: He’s not wrong. I had more than my share of travel snacks eaten on the run, but none of us ate in document storage.

[Basira and Daisy share another look.]

Basira: Well, that lead absolutely nowhere.

Daisy, quiet but heartfelt: Fuck.

[There’s a beat of silence. Sasha takes a slow breath in.]

Jon, the picture of innocence: You know it was Gertrude, right?

Sasha, with careful control: Excuse me?

Jon: I Knew, as soon as you asked. The Eye doesn’t like me knowing much about the previous archives, but it was happy to give me this one, apparently. She was having a very rushed snack when she was filing, and then she got called away about something to do with an attempted Buried ritual, and shut the biscuits in the drawer.

Sasha: And. You didn’t tell us?

Jon: I tried, but then we wouldn’t have got to do all this.

[Martin is quietly laughing next to Jon, and soon enough, the rest of the archival assistants are joining in. After a couple of beats, Sasha takes a deep breath and visibly settles down, cracking a lopsided smile.]

Sasha: You can be a real prick when you want to be, I hope you know that.

[Melanie raises an eyebrow, knowing what the response is going to be.]

Jon, with a shit-eating grin: I know.

Martin, in unison, with an equally shit-eating grin: He knows.

[Sasha dramatically flips off the screen.]

Sasha, good-naturedly: I want you to stay on leave for as long as possible, actually, so that way I get creepy Eye powers and don’t have to rely on your flaky arse to be spooky google for me.

[Jon snorts.]

Eric: Bugger me, but the archives have changed since my day.

Michael: Isn’t it good?

Basira: On my part, I liked interrogating again, even if it was only for about a minute.

[Daisy nods, and the two of them subtly fist-bump.]

Jon: Now, with this “mystery” sorted—

Tim: You do not get to tell us to go back to work from all the way in Scotland. That’s just. No.

[Jon smiles sweetly.]

Jon: I don’t have to tell you, though, because you already know I’m going to say it.

[Tim sticks his tongue out.]

Sasha: Yeah, well. I guess Jon’s got a point, archives gang.

Tim and Melanie, together and fake-pleading: Sashaaaaa .

Eric: Yeah, that was a bit more like it.

Martin: Before we all get kicked off the call, it was great to meet you, Eric!

Eric: You too, both of you. 

[He tilts his head and smiles.]

Eric: Maybe I wouldn’t mind doing the occasional bit of archives work again, if it’s like this all the time. Occasionally, like, once every six months or so. I’m really fucking enjoying not doing anything in my retirement.

Gerry: Dad, your retirement is being bound as a ghost in the skin book.

Eric: And I’m finally making inroads into my sleep debt.

[Gerry shrugs.]

Melanie: What a fucking mood.

Sasha: And on that note...

Daisy: Back to “work”?

[She mimes air-quotes.]

Sasha: Back to work.

[She distinctly does not air-quote.]

Jon: Good to see you’re all having fun without us.

Tim: For sure, temporarily-ex-bossman!

Martin: We’ll see you all for D&D this weekend, though? As well as band rehearsal?

[Tim grins broadly.]

Tim: Yep! Gotta catch up with Tits and the crew again!

Sasha: Okay, well, let’s hit the frog, guys. 

Martin: See you!

[They all make the typical slightly-awkward video call goodbyes, and Sasha ends the call.]

---

3:19 P.M.

Sonja Zhao to Rosie Kendall

Sonja Zhao: Rosie

Sonja Zhao: this is awful but also a bit important, I wish there was another way but I’m not sure there is one

Rosie Kendall: What’s wrong?

Sonja Zhao: oh god ew this is almost too much to ask but

Sonja Zhao: do you have a functioning email address for Elias

Chapter Text

Wednesday, 3:20 P.M.

Rosie Kendall to Sonja Zhao

Rosie Kendall: I’m sorry what

Sonja Zhao: yeah

Sonja Zhao: unfortunate but necessary

Rosie Kendall: My love

Rosie Kendall: How in the fuck is it necessary?

Sonja Zhao: okay so

Sonja Zhao: you know how you asked me if I’d installed a security camera in the archives? and I said I hadn’t?

Sonja Zhao: I still knew what was going on in the archives regardless

Sonja Zhao: didn’t even think about how I knew until you brought it up

Sonja Zhao: and now I haven’t really stopped thinking about it

Sonja Zhao: I’m pretty sure that’s a spooky thing, being able to know what’s going on in the institute 

Rosie Kendall: Sounds like it :/

Sonja Zhao: I remember Jon saying something about Elias being the “heart of the institute” and I’m wondering if that’s what’s going on here

Rosie Kendall: Uh

Rosie Kendall: Okay

Sonja Zhao: my thoughts exactly

Sonja Zhao: which is why I need to know some actual details

Sonja Zhao: which is why I need Elias’s email

Rosie Kendall: And you can’t ask Jon because...

Sonja Zhao: I sent him on leave, I’m not going to interrupt that with questions like this

Rosie Kendall: Sonja

Rosie Kendall: Hon

Rosie Kendall: We both know him well enough to know that he won’t mind

Sonja Zhao: yeah, but that’s not the problem is it

Sonja Zhao: he won’t be taking a goddamn break if I drag him into this

Rosie Kendall: :|

Sonja Zhao: oh don’t give me that look

Rosie Kendall: And you say I can be stubborn

Sonja Zhao: hmph

Sonja Zhao: also, it seems like Jon’s role as The Archivist™ and Elias’s role as The Heart Of The Institute™ are two separate things? so maybe he won’t be fully able to help

Rosie Kendall: That’s the first valid point you’ve raised

Rosie Kendall: But I’d still go to Jon rather than Elias

Sonja Zhao: hon, you seem to be assuming that I’d be asking Elias politely

Rosie Kendall: Okay, now I’m intrigued

Sonja Zhao: so you will give me his email address?

Rosie Kendall: Possibly

Rosie Kendall: But

Sonja Zhao: yes hon, i’m definitely going to ask you to review the email before I send it

Rosie Kendall: Good

Rosie Kendall: Okay, then

–--

From: Sonja Zhao < [email protected] >
To: Elias Bouchard < [email protected] >
Subject: Query — urgent

Hi Elias, or Jonah if that’s what you’d prefer, 

I hope you don’t mind me emailing you directly, but I have a couple of pressing questions about the job role I seem to have inherited from you. More specifically, the supernatural aspects of this particular job role, which I will refer to as “the heart of the institute”. I believe that since you are no longer associated with the institute, this position has fallen to me. At the very least, I now possess knowledge about the goings-on of the institute that I know I really shouldn’t have by any logical means, and I assume this is caused by something to do with the Eye. My questions are as follows:

1. What the actual fuck does being “the heart of the institute” actually entail?
2. Will this have consequences, dire or otherwise, on my personal life?
3. Is there a way of backing out?

Please note, none of your usual bullshit manipulation will be accepted. I know you’ll take this as an invitation to attempt manipulation and bullshittery, but I have a very low tolerance for wank, particularly from you, as you’re a) not my boss anymore and b) an evil bodyhopping creep. I remind you that my original threat upon your leaving still stands, i.e. if I ever see you in person again, I’ll empty a can of mace straight into your eyeballs.

Many thanks in advance for your assistance, it’s much appreciated!

Fuck you kindly,
Sonja
Dr Sonja Zhao
Head of the Magnus Institute
The Magnus Institute
VIGILO•AUDIO•OPPERIOR

---

Thursday, 9:41 A.M.

“mods are asleep post horse plinko aka ASSISTANTS ONLY CHAT”

Can somebody just rescue the poor horse???: So apparently dream me slapped dream jon last night so hows everyone elses morning going

stop spamming the chat with horse plinko gifs tim you freak: ooooooooof

stop spamming the chat with horse plinko gifs tim you freak: thats rough big man

Can somebody just rescue the poor horse???: Yes it is :((((

it’s a desolation avatar dipshits: jesus christ stoker i forgot your nickname was so long

stop spamming the chat with horse plinko gifs tim you freak: yes dais i kno

stop spamming the chat with horse plinko gifs tim you freak: but sash wont let me change it back

clearly it’s a flesh avatar: it’s bc you need the constant reminder

The avatar is whoever put it in the plinko machine: 158 horse plinko gifs in one (1) minute is Too Much