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out of all of treasure, the member who cried the least was junghwan. his hyungs can't even remember if they'd seen him cry after debut. it was something that a lot of people admired, how strong junghwan was, how well he handled his emotions, and the fact the he never cried.
he had the nickname of maknae on top, and even he himself agreed, he didn't care what people said, he didn't care if his hyung's were older they were brothers, they all understood the maknae's rebelious faze.
and junghwan took everything neitizens through at him in pride, if they said his singing was bad it was like it went in one ear and out the other, the same with his attitude, his rapping, his dancing. it was as if he was immune to feeling sadness or anger, he was always smiling and standing tall with pride.
what his hyungs didn't know, was there was one thing that broke junghwan to his very core, his appearence. he had struggled with it at school but had learned the skill of faking confidence, for a long time he didn't care that the neitizens called him fat or short or ugly. sure, it stung but he took it in stride, he had mastered this facade he wouldn't let a few silly comments get to him, he was so junghwan, nothing got to him.
but then it was one to many comments, one to many comparisons to his hyung's, one to many people telling him how fat he was, how he needed to work out more like mashiho and haruto, how he should be skinny like asahi and doyoung, how he should be funny like junkyu and jihoon, how he should be handsome like yoshi and jaehyuk, how he should...
how he should leave.
and all those just one to many's led to his down fall.
"junghwan! the stylist noona's want you!" yedam called, startling the maknae, he had been zoned out for quite some time now.
"thank you, hyung." junghwan smiled, bowing slightly as he walked over to the stylist.
"ah, junghwan, these are too small." the stylist sighed, she was quite frustrated, "we'll have you change into some back up clothes."
junghwan was startled, what did she mean they were too small? he hadn't gained that much weight had he? but to save himself from embarssament he changed into the extra clothes and walked over to the makeup-noona. he knew he was gonna be pulled aside by their manager after the performance and he wouldn't be shocked if he left with a bruise or two. yg was very strict about their idols weight, if you are sick, made some mistakes in dance practice, voice was. cracking, whatever, they would be mean sure, but when it came to appearence, it was like they became a whole different person, complete assholes.
and junghwan was right, he was drenched in sweat as they got off stage but when he saw the look on his managers face, he knew he was in some deep shit. "junghwan-ah. come with me." their manager said, trying his best to hide his anger in front of the other members.
once junghwan and the manager had reached a seperate room, junghwan was expecting a stinging feeling across his face, but rather, he was met with a kick to his stomach, knocking him to his knees.
"who do you think you are, so junghwan?" the manager hissed, looking at the maknae who was on the floor groaning in pain. "all of the other members follow their diets, they don't have to wear the back up clothes, they don't need me to hit them to get some fucking sense knocked into them."
"i'm sorry, sir." junghwan hiccuped, trying to stand up, only to be punched in the face, blood filling his mouth.
"sorry isn't good enough, junghwan. let me clean you up so your hyung's don't suspect anything." the manager sighed, yanking the boy to his feet. "you are going to be put on a diet, you eat one meal a day, but preferably zero. i didn't hit you hard enough to bruise on your stomach but your face probably will, tell the others you tripped on the way back." he hissed, washing the blood off of junghwan's horror stricken face. "i hope i won't have to hurt you again, hwan-ah.
he and the manager had made it to the dorm just before hyunsuk was going to panic. he had heard horror stories from their ikon sunbaenims about managers's abusing members, and hyunsuk had always feared it would happen to one of his boys.
"everything alright manager-nim?" jihoon asked when they walked in, his hair was still wet from his shower and he was about to explode but he was comforted when he saw junghwan standing tall and proud just like he always did.
"yes, we put junghwan on a new diet, i will e-mail you it later, i have a meeting to attend." the manager smiled, "have a good night boys, you don't have schedules until one tomorrow so sleep in." he waved goodbye.
"go take a shower junghwan, i made some teokbokki earlier there's some in the fridge." jihoon smiled, watching his youngest adoringly.
"i ate with manager hyung, thank you though hyung." the youngest smiled back, walking to get his pajama's and a towel from his room. (and a certain sharp razor blade he hadn't touched in a long time, but hyunsuk and jihoon didn't need to know that.)
before they had debuted, junghwan was young and sensitive and sometimes he would use that trust old razor blade of his, but one day haruto found him crying in the bathroom, thighs covered in blood and for about a year after that day they checked his arms and thighs every day to make sure there maknae wasn't hurting.
they all were so proud when they saw how he recovered, how he let basically everything go, how he was always happy and walked with pride in his shoulders. his hyung's would always be proud of how their maknae realized his self worth.
they just hadn't realized when their maknae lost his grip on his meaning in the world again.
there he was, sitting on the shower floor, razor blade in one hand and his other tracing the old marks. he wasn't sure when he started crying, and when he started to taste salt so strongly.
with a shaking hand he found an empty gap on his left thigh, and he was brought back to the day haruto found him. he wanted to die that day, and he tried his hardest, his thighs were covered in slash marks, short and shallow, long and deep, and everything in between, it wasn't supposed to kill him, just take his edge off, but that's not what it looked like.
and right now he did almost the same thing, slashing eleven long yet shallow cuts into his thigh, the sting making him cry more yet letting out a sense of relief. there was eleven of them for all of his hyungs.
junghwan had been on his mysterious diet for about a week now, insisting he was eating lunch with their manager at their daily check in's that were really just to monitor his weight loss. junghwan doesn't really remember the last time he ate something solid, he remembered protein shakes, and the salty mixture of blood and tears from every night of the last seven days, but he didn't remember food.
"we need to talk about junghwan." hyunsuk announced once the youngest had left for his daily 'lunch date'
"what's up?" yoshi asked, taking a drink from his water bottle.
"i can't be the only one who thinks he's a little... a little off." hyunsuk sighed sitting on the practice room floor as they waited for their takeout chinese food to arrive.
"he seems fine to me, hyung. it's probably nothing, junghwannie would tell us if something was up." junkyu insisted, looking at the leader as if he was stupid, junghwan told them everything.
"would he, junkyu? you know what he was like when it happened...perfectly fine and then suddenly i hear haruto sobbing over the phone that junghwan is dying." youngbin said, tears pricking his eyes, they all hated that memory.
"let's keep a distant eye on him for now, hyunsuk-hyung. for all we know he just is having a rough week." jaehyuk insisted, jumping up when he heard a knock at the door.
"yeah, don't worry about it too much hyung." doyoung nodded.
three weeks, that's how long it is since junghwan didn't fit into his clothes. a lot can change in three weeks. one of them being junghwan's weight, junghwan by no means was overweight to begin with, yg just had ridicolous standards, they didn't care how much their idol weighed as long as they fit the same mesaurments, when they didn't that's when yg had a problem.
junghwan had dropped 15 kiliograms- it was a shock he wasnt dead- in three weeks, it was concerning how fast it dropped. he had suddenly gone from 67kg (147lbs) to 57kg(114 lbs.)
another thing that had changed was his clothes, they were now all far to big and hug loosely on his shoulders, and he wore nothing but long sleeves. but junghwan was proud, he had dropped sizes from his original, he was beautiful. his bones may be jutting out of his skin, his cheekbones and collarbones may have become concerningly outline. but junghwan was proud, he was finally becoming beautiful again, but he still had a long way to go.
what he didn't realize is he was always beautiful, and he didn't need to risk his health to become beautiful.
it all had happened so fast, he was watching a movie with the hyungs, sat off to the side, scare of taking up to much space. when junkyu walked over and easily lifted the frail body. all of them had always been able to carry junghwan, but this, this was too easy for junkyu's liking.
"come sit with us." junkyu smiled at the boy who was bridal style in his arms.
"yeah! i want to cuddle with my favorite dongsaeng." jeongwoo called, acting like a toddler and making grabby hands at the skinny boy.
" 'm your only dongsaeng hyung." junghwan mumbled as junkyu set him on jeongwoo's lap. an instant panic fled through his mind he instantly scooted off of the long haired male.
"you were okay right where you were." jeongwoo said, wrapping his hands around the youngest to set him back on his lap, moving his hand when he felt the smallers hip bones jutting out.
"no no no, too heavy." junghwan mumbled, trying to resist jeongwoo's grip, and that's when the movie stopped.
"you are no where near heavy, aegi." jaehyuk commented from his spot on asahi and mashiho's laps.
"you're so light, it's kinda scary." yedam added, looking at the boy to the left of him.
"too-too heavy." junghwan insisted, pushing himself off junkyu's lap and landing on the oppisite side then he wanted, cornered by yoshi and haruto.
"can you tell us what's wrong?" yoshi asked, he knew telling him that he wasn't heavy would simply make it worse.
"didn't fit in my clothes anymore." he breathed out, ignoring his hyung's concerned glances.
the realization of what had happened to their smiley and confident maknae hit them like a truck, the management wasn't feeding him, they were destroying the boys deception of self worth.
"did they hurt you?" haruto asked, setting a hand on junghwan's once thick thighs, now practically gone.
"just what i deserved." junghwan mumbled, finally looking up at his hyung.
and another realization hit them, junghwan was crying.
"how much do you weigh right now?" hyunsuk asked, he needed to know how bad they hurt his chanhee.
"52 kilogrmas (114 pounds)" the boy mumbled, the company had told him he only needed to lose 5 kiliograms, but they didn't stop him when his weight went way down. he was one of the heavier members....
"oh aegi, that's not healthy..." mashiho said shakily, they should've listened to hyunsuk that day.
"did, did you think you were fat?" haruto asked, brushing the maknae's hair out of his face.
the smaller nodded.
"what would you do if one of us lost fifteen-fifteen kilograms in three weeks because we thought we were fat? even though it was dangerous." jihoon asked, he needed junghwan to understand why they were worried.
"i'd probably tell them they were never fat, and even if they were it isn't a bad thing, and that i love them just the way they are." junghwan hiccuped, watching as his hyung's stared at him heartbroken.
"so can i ask you why you think you're too heavy?" jaehyuk smiled sadly.
"i don't- i don't know, i-i was only supposed to lose a kilo or two...but want to be perfect like you guys." junghwan sniffled, throwing his head back trying to blink back the tears.
"before we go on a rant about how perfect you are, can i ask you something?" junkyu asked. all of the hyungs loved junghwan and junghwan loved them all but after that day, him and junkyu had a special connection.
junghwan nodded.
"have you been hurting yourslef?" the five elder asked sadly.
junghwan waited for a minute, and his mind went back to the day haruto found him. and slowly he nodded.
junkyu lived up to his promise of the rant to junghwan about how perfect he was, and although didn't believe a single word of it for a long time, he was grateful for it. he was grateful for the amount of cuddles he still recieved, he was grateful that his hyungs were with him through his recovery, when he tried to start eating again. and most of all, he was grateful that he didn't work out as much as mashiho and haruto, that he didn't have to be as skinny as asahi and doyoung, how he was funny like junkyu and jihoon, and how he was handsome just like yoshi and jaehyuk.
and most of all he was grateful that he didn't leave.