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It was all Kevin’s fault, as most things in everyone’s life seemed to be.
Jeremy Knox used to have a normal life, a normal sleeping schedule, he was always happy in the mornings, waking up earlier than most people for a relaxing run or exercises or just to see the sunrise, were things that he loved to do and wasn’t ashamed of, life was amazing and should be celebrated.
So, when Jeremy, being the local sunshine, started to show up at practices with dark bags under his eyes and a fake smile, something was clearly wrong.
“You look like shit, you know?” Alvarez said, and yes, Jeremy was aware, but he feared that opening his mouth at that moment meant saying something that no one would ever expect from the USC Trojans’ captain, so Jeremy just shrugged
“Your life would be so much easier if you didn’t have a thing for dark-haired broken boys,” the backliner said with a knowing smile, and Jeremy huffed.
“I do not have a thing for dark-haired broken boys,” he said, but couldn’t defend himself, which was obvious by the way Laila Dermott Just laughed at him and said:
“Yeah, sure.”
.
Everything started to go wrong when Kevin Day – The Kevin Day, ex-Raven, the son of Exy, probably the person with the prettiest smile Jeremy has ever seen, painfully straight – called him at dawn asking for help.
Apparently, they – Kevin never said who they were – rescued Jean Moreau from an abusive teammate (the name Riko Moriyama wasn’t mentioned, but Jeremy wasn’t stupid) and were in desperate need of trading teams, according to Kevin this was really important and should be a secret for as long as possible because Jean needed time to recover.
If Jeremy was completely honest, he agreed to help way faster than he would’ve done if it was literally anyone else asking; without a second thought, he called Coach Rheman, who promised to take care of everything – and he did, Jean Moreau signed a contract with the USC Trojans before lunch, and for a moment Jeremy allowed himself to believe that his mission had been accomplished successfully.
But he couldn’t be more wrong.
When Jeremy promised to do whatever was in his power to help, he didn’t know what was happening or what he was dealing with, so when Rheman called him to his office on the next day, Jeremy expected him to ask for help to prepare everything for Jean’s arrival.
What he didn’t expect was to find Jean himself standing in the middle of the office, hurt, broken, holding his backpack with all his belongings with so much strength that his knuckles were white; Jean was never one to talk much, he was usually beside Riko, quiet, tense, he was talented and polite, or at least that was what Jeremy could see from their games and events every NCAA Class I Exy team was forced to participate, but, even though Jeremy didn’t know shit about him, something seemed off.
Because Jean was always silent and tense, yes, but he was also a fierce and strong opponent, and somehow this fight, this fire, was stolen from his eyes.
Seeing him so hurt, frightened like a cornered animal, broke Jeremy’s sensitive heart, so he opened his charming and bright smile, hoping this would make any difference.
“Hi, it’s so nice to officially meet you.”
“You’ve already met me,” was Jean’s answer, sounding nonchalant, but the way his grip on the backpack strap increased showed otherwise.
Jean Moreau was nervous, it was funny because no one was ever nervous or intimidated by Jeremy’s presence, and even funnier because Jean was so tall that Jeremy couldn’t reach to hurt him even if he wanted to.
Not for the first time, Jeremy wondered what happened to him, who hurt him, why this emergency trade was happening, why Kevin thought that Jeremy could help Jean, but he had no answer for any of these questions or the guts to ask them.
“Well, I know how you play, now I’ll have the chance to really know you ,” Jeremy said with a soothing voice, “maybe we could start saying our favorite colors?”
“Thank you for being so welcoming,” Coach James Rheman interrupted, and if Jeremy didn’t know better he would say that he could hear a hint of pride in his voice, “but I didn’t call you here just to meet him. Jean needs special attention, he had an incident with a teammate that got out of control, and I need you to help him to get comfortable here. I already introduced him to our therapist and nurse, now I need you to talk to our team and explain to them that this trade is a secret and what happened is not of anyone’s concern, do you get it?”
“I don’t need any special treatment,” Jean corrected immediately, he seemed so exhausted, Jean never tried to hide his French accent, but it seemed stronger “I’d just appreciate it if no one asked anything, I don’t like when people pry.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll only share what you want to share and that’s that,” Jeremy smiled, “Is there something else you need, coach? I wanted to show Jean the court.”
“I’m pretty sure he’s too tired to see the court right now, but you should show him your dorm room. You two will share it from now on if it isn’t a problem.”
It wasn’t, Jeremy’s old roommate was an upperclassman, and he graduated months ago, Jeremy was alone since because, usually, they placed freshmen with other freshmen, so they could build friendships that would last longer, but he missed having someone around and, by Jean’s quiet posture, he wouldn’t be a bad person to share a space with.
And, if Jeremy was being completely honest, he wanted to know who Jean really was.
“It’s not a problem at all,” Knox answered happily, “do you have anything else?”
“No, it’s all here,” Jean said, throwing his backpack on his back, and Jeremy nodded.
“Then let’s go, I’m guessing you don’t have a car yet, that’s fine, I can drive you.”
Jeremy said goodbye to Rheman who answered distractedly, already looking at his paperwork, and Jean only nodded, following Jeremy and closing the office’s door behind them.
Knox was talking about their dorm and how Jean would love it when Jean stopped walking.
“Is something wrong?” Jeremy asked, wondering if he should shut up, maybe Jean wasn’t as excited to share the dorm with Jeremy as Jeremy was, “you don’t have to share a dorm with me, we can find someone else or maybe give you your own dorm.”
“What?” Jean frowned, “No, I’m used to being paired up, I don’t really care about this. But I do want to see the court. Unless you’re in a hurry,” he added quickly.
“Oh no, not at all. Come on, the court is my favorite place here.”
When Jeremy offered to show the court, he was merely trying to hold the only thing he had in common with Jean, he didn’t expect to witness how Jean’s whole posture changed the moment they stepped on the court.
Jean smiled, he looked around with shiny eyes, as if the court was the source of his strength; Jeremy had seen Jean playing before, of course, the Ravens were the best Class I Exy team, and watching one of their games was always a mind-blowing experience.
But this was something entirely different, it was just Jean Moreau, not the Ravens’ backliner, not the Perfect Court’s number four, just in his purest and most vulnerable form, and Jeremy couldn’t look away, or breathe, scared that he would ruin this moment, scared that, if he blinked he’d miss the moment when all the tension left Jean’s shoulders.
Maybe he should unpack the possibility of having a thing for dark-haired, broken boys.
That was the first time Jeremy spent more than five minutes with Jean, and that was the moment he decided that, no matter how silent Jean was, Jeremy would know him better.
They had a nice routine, morning practices, classes, Jean had a meeting with his therapist twice a week, Jeremy had a meeting with his therapist once a week, lunch, classes again, evening practices, dinner.
No one could argue that Jean was a great addition to the USC Trojans when it came to technique, but when it came to personality, many wondered if accepting him was a good decision.
Jean was much more aggressive and rude in comparison with his teammates, he was critical, he did whatever was necessary to win, and even though this attitude was not acceptable for the Trojans' style, everyone tried to be comprehensive, after all, Jean came from a much more aggressive and ambitious team, it was normal that he tried to demand from the current team the same exaggerated amount of effort demanded by the Ravens.
Jeremy believed that, with time, Jean would understand that being the best team was not the Trojans' main ideal, he just needed to get used to the new dynamic little by little; besides, Jean made up for the conflicts by putting in twice as much effort.
Jean practiced during weekends, and Jeremy, in an attempt to get closer to him where Jean would be more likely to feel at ease, helped him, except on weekends when Alvarez showed up inviting them to the ‘best party of the year’– on these days Jean would just nod, say “have fun” and hide in their room doing God knows what for the rest of the day.
They’ve been living together for months, and Jean was making Jeremy’s goal to know him as hard as the golden-haired boy expected him to, but still, Jeremy learned some things about the French boy:
- he hated peanut butter;
- he liked mornings, especially sunny mornings after a rainy night;
- he was so tall, Jeremy was always asking for help to reach the highest shelves;
- Jean didn’t talk much, and when he did, it was about minor things, like Exy or a TV show he knew Jeremy liked;
- If someone asked about the Ravens or Riko, Jean would walk away without saying a word – it got even worse after Riko died, and the Foxes won the championship;
- If someone asked about Kevin, Jean would sigh and be silent for the rest of the day, so, even though Knox had so many questions, he never asked any of them;
- he didn’t drive – “I know how to drive, I just hate it,” Jean said;
- he didn’t know how to cook;
- he didn’t sleep.
Since the day Jean joined the Trojans, he didn’t sleep more than two hours per night, they would say goodnight and go to bed at the same time, but after minutes Jean would get up again, or just sit on his bed, staring at the wall as if he wasn’t really there, sometimes he would stare at the ceiling, or the window, until he gave up and went to the kitchen to drink something and watch whatever was on TV.
Jeremy noticed the pattern two weeks after Jean and he started to share the dorm, he wasn’t a light sleeper, and usually, he needed than just steps to wake him up, it was just a coincidence that in one of those nights he got up to get a bottle of water and found Jean in the kitchen, staring a mug filled with chamomile tea in his hands, watching the steam, as if he only needed something to keep him warm – something to keep him there.
When Jeremy asked if something was wrong, Jean would say “I had a nightmare,’ or “the days last longer when you’re a Raven” and Jeremy knew better than to pry, that was literally the only thing Jean asked of him, and Jeremy would be damned if he couldn’t respect that.
The thing was, Jeremy had two younger siblings, he knew how it felt to keep himself aware of his surroundings even when sleeping because he needed to be sure that his siblings were alright, and apparently that was an instinct that didn’t die easily, because as soon as Jeremy realized that Jean had a sleep problem, he was incapable to sleep while Jean was awake.
And that was why Jeremy looked so exhausted; he was feeling like shit, but something inside him insisted that if he just slept while Jean was trying to keep himself there, maybe Jean would just slip away and no one would notice – and he knew no one would notice, because Jean was as exhausted as he was, and Jeremy seemed to be the only one seeing it.
What was wrong with everyone else?
What was wrong with him?
“Dude, stop staring, you seem obsessed,” Alvarez said, passing him her bottle of water when he got close to the goal where Alvarez was talking with her girlfriend, but Jeremy could barely pay attention with the sleep fog on his mind.
“Was I staring at Jean again?”
“Oh honey,” Laila Dermott smiled, “you’re always staring at him.”
Jeremy shrugged.
“Of course I am, I’m responsible for him, you know? Maybe he didn’t fit well in our team, and I’m the one who brought him here, so that’s why he’s not sleeping well and neither am I.”
“If you think that, after all the bullshit that’s leaking up about the Ravens, Jean would be bothered by our team, you’re straight-up stupid,” Alvarez rolled her eyes, “also, that’s definitely not why you’re not sleeping.”
“Why don’t you just ask him?” Dermott said as if it was obvious, Knox sighed.
“The only thing Jean ever asked me was not to pry, we’re not friends, he won’t talk to me.”
“So you’re not risking anything, what he’s going to do, stop talking to you?”
“Hey,” Coach Rheman yelled, “I’m not paying you to gossip when you should be warming up. Jeremy, you’re the captain, for god’s sake!”
“Sorry Coach,” Jeremy grimaced, at the same time as Laila smiled.
“You’re not paying us.”
“Oh, so you think that your scholarship is free?” Rheman argued, “Ten laps, you three.”
“Why did you do this?” Alvarez punched her girlfriend lightly, but Laila kept laughing.
The practice went just fine, Jean was their best backliner by far, as soon as he was cleared to play he started to show why he deserved his place on the Perfect Court – even though, just like Kevin did, it seemed that Jean was way better than when he was one of the Ravens, almost as if he was holding back, almost as if being the best didn’t mean the same thing for the Ravens –, so Jeremy punched Jean lightly on the shoulder.
“Good work today,” Jeremy said happily, but his smile died the moment he saw that Jean frowned and flinched when Jeremy touched him, “are you ok?”
Jean fixed his posture, still frowning.
“I messed up in the last ten minutes of practice,” he said.
“Yeah, but you were great the rest of the time, you just got tired, that’s fine,” Jeremy breathed, gathering the courage because that was the perfect opportunity to talk, “Actually is impressive how well you're going considering how you barely sleep.”
Jean frowned even more, that was a stupid idea, Jeremy shouldn’t have said anything, especially since he pretended to be asleep, so Jean wouldn’t think Jeremy was awake because of him; until now Jean probably thought that he had no idea about his sleeping habits or the absence of them.
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said when the silence lasted too long, their other teammates were already in the shower, they were the last ones on the court, and Jeremy realized that Jean usually practiced a little more after everybody else, and right now Jeremy wasn’t only prying, but interrupting his routine, “I can hear you walking around our dorm sometimes, and I know I shouldn’t be sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but I’m worried about you.”
Jean scoffed.
“I know all about the Trojans and the kindness of their hearts, but keep it away from me. I don’t need your pity.”
Jeremy didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t this.
“What do you mean?” he asked, feeling anger burning up inside him, “Is that what this is about? Is that why you don’t talk to me? You think I pity you?”
“Why else would you accept me around?” Jean asked in an accusing tone.
“Are you insane? You’re the best Class I backliner we could ask for, we’re lucky to have you. Ask anyone, they’ll agree.”
“I’m not talking as teammates, I’m talking as roommates. You drive me everywhere, you cook for both of us, you clean everything when I can’t get up from bed, and you pretend it didn’t happen, you pretend it’s normal for someone to not be able to function.”
“It’s not normal, that’s why I do all this, that’s why you have a therapist because you need help,” Jeremy said, he wanted to scream, “and that’s not pity, it’s human decency, it’s caring about someone, is caring about a friend.”
Jeremy was yelling, he knew he was, and he wished, with all his heart, that their teammates would be kind enough to just ignore them and go away.
Jean just stared at him, his expression changing from obviously irritated to really confused.
“We’re not –,” he started, “We’re not friends.”
And that, that hurt. Maybe that was why Jeremy never had the courage to ask, because the prospect of Jean cutting him off completely was too much for him to handle.
“Well I see you as a friend,” Jeremy argued, now he was furious, “we watch TV together, we practice on weekends together, we have lunch and dinner together, do you really think I do that because I pity you? I do that because I care about you and want to know you better, and fuck you for thinking otherwise.”
Jean seemed even more confused.
“But we never talk, you don’t know shit about me.”
“And who’s fault is that?” Jeremy said and stormed off the court.
The locker room was empty when Jeremy got there, he showered alone, fully aware that Jean was practicing alone, he went to his car and really wondered if he should just go and leave Jean behind, but they both had classes in the same building, and Jean couldn’t leave anyone behind, no matter how mad he was.
Jean arched his eyebrows when he saw the car almost an hour later, still there, still waiting, but climbed without thinking twice.
“Thank you for waiting,” he said, almost whispering.
“You’d never get to class on time if you had to walk. No one is that fast, not even you.”
The taller boy seemed to think a little before he sighed.
“Josten is.”
“What?” Jeremy’s mind was running wild, he tried really hard to think what he said to get this answer, but he was just too tired to understand how Josten had anything to do with them.
“You said no one is that fast, Josten is. He spent Christmas with us last year, in the Nest. He’s an impressive backliner.”
“Did you watch the Foxes’ game against the Ravens?” Jeremy asked, because Jean never talked about the Nest, because the championship ended with the Foxes victory and Jean spent the whole day in his room, so Jeremy had no idea if he knew anything except that the Foxes won and Riko committed suicide – another thing they didn’t talk about.
Jean nodded.
“He did a good job, but that definitely wasn’t what I taught him,” Moreau opened a shy smile, and Jeremy smiled too.
“Is he as hard to deal with as everyone says?”
“Worse,” Jean huffed and Jeremy laughed, every trace of anger leaving him as fast as it came.
Unfortunately, they were back on campus and Jeremy was already parking the car.
“I’m sorry for yelling,” Jeremy said, and Jean laughed, openly, as if Jeremy said the funniest joke he’d ever heard.
“You’re unbelievable.”
“Why?” Jeremy asked, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel in an attempt to relieve anxiety.
“I was a dick to you, why are you apologizing?”
Jeremy was so confused, he turned to look into Jean’s eyes, and blushed when he saw that Jean was already looking back at him.
“You asked me not to pry, and I did, and yelled at you.”
“You’re worried, I understand. And I’m sorry for keeping you awake,” Jean opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something else, then closed again, and opened again, “I have class right now.”
“Yeah, me too,” Jeremy said, feeling warm inside, that wasn’t much, but Jean was talking to him; it was better than nothing, “We should order something for dinner today. I don’t feel like cooking.”
“Sure, you choose,” Jean smiled and left the car.
Jeremy smiled back because it was impossible not to smile when Jean was trying to be nice.
And if he had to stay a little more in the car, alone on the paring lot with a stupid smile on his face, it was nobody’s business.
.
Jeremy didn’t expect things to be different that night, but he couldn’t lie to himself and pretend he wasn’t at least a little disappointed when they barely talked about anything but exy during dinner – they ordered pizza because Jeremy refused to choose for the both of them and that was the only thing they could agree on– but Knox wouldn’t be the person who asked more than Jean had to offer.
It was 2 A.M when Jeremy woke up with a clash and a murmur in French, usually, he would just go back to bed and pretend he didn’t hear anything, but if Jean didn’t want to talk to him, that was fine, Jeremy was going to talk anyway.
Jean was in their kitchen, trying to pick up the pieces of a broken mug in a puddle of tea, so without saying a word, Jeremy got a piece of cloth to help him clean up that mess.
“I’m sorry,” Jean said, but Jeremy just shrugged.
They worked together in silence, and Jean served them a new mug of tea each when they finished, so they went to the couch, it was cold and the tea was the only thing keeping their hands warm.
Jeremy had so many questions: why was Jean awake? Why couldn't he sleep? Why did his nightmares never leave him alone? Why didn't he talk to Jeremy? Did he hate him? Did he want another roommate?
Instead of asking any of them, Jeremy just opened his mouth and let the words flow.
“When I was a freshman in high school, I kissed a boy. He asked me too, we’ve been talking for a while and there was nothing in the world I wanted more than to kiss him, so I did. But someone saw us, and he panicked and said I forced him.”
Jean frowned, he looked almost angry on Jeremy's behalf, which was cute considering that this happened years ago.
“What a dick.”
“Yeah,” Jeremy huffed a laugh, “I was so upset and betrayed, and everyone was making fun of me, I was completely alone. He tried to apologize later, I asked him if he would defend me, if he would admit that he lied, but he wouldn’t. He wanted me to keep his secret. I promised to never tell anyone, but I couldn’t let him hurt me and abandon me again,” he sighed, “In my Junior year a new girl joined our school, she was brave and walked around wearing her pride bottom as a badge. They made fun of her anyway, she stood strong, but no one wanted to be the joke of the school, so she was alone. I talked to her that day, and the day after, and after. I told her what happened to me, and suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore. She’s still my best friend to this day, you can’t imagine how happy I was when we got into the same college.”
That caught Jean’s attention, he looked at Jeremy with wide eyes.
“Alvarez?”
“Yes,” Jeremy nodded, “I don’t pity you, Moreau, I admire you. I admire how strong you are, and that’s why I care about you, that’s why I want to help you.”
They were silent for some minutes, Jeremy couldn’t say how long the silence lasted, but it felt like forever.
Jeremy wondered if he should just get out of the couch and leave Jean alone, but when he mentioned getting up, Jean held his wrist, keeping him in place.
“When I first got in the Nest, Riko was upset because of a friend that ran away,” Jean said, “Maybe upset is an understatement, he was mad. He thought he’d have someone new to shape as he wanted, a new toy to a spoiled kid, and he got me. Kevin always said that it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough, it was because it was the first time Riko was denied something he wanted, so he was throwing a tantrum, and it’d probably be over soon. But it didn’t. At first, he just talked shit about me and made me feel worthless. I fought, I had my pride to keep, and I wouldn’t let him break me.”
“And people just let him do all that?” Jeremy was speechless, Jean looked at him with those eyes of someone who’s hiding something important, as if there was something that Jeremy didn’t know – couldn’t know.
“Well, he was the King,” the other one shrugged, “He did break me, though. I thought I was resisting, I thought that at some point he’d just leave me alone, but Riko was creative, he got worse every day. I don’t know when I realized that fighting was useless, but at some point, I just gave up.”
“Is that why you didn’t go to Palmetto?” Jeremy asked because he couldn’t hold himself, “Don’t act so surprised, everyone knows who was supposed to be part of the Perfect Court but ran away.”
Jean shook his head.
“No, well, working with Josten is super hard, and I can’t say that I’m not relieved to be far away from him, but I don’t blame him for running away, I would’ve done the same if I had the opportunity,” Jean said, distractedly touching the fine, almost imperceptible, scars on his face “Kevin and I both know that we’ll need some time before we’re able to play together again. Kevin grew up with Riko, to Kevin he’s still the only brother he'd ever had, but I’ve never met this Riko that he wants to keep alive in his mind. And, honestly, until it happened, I never thought Riko would be able to hurt Kevin.”
Jeremy was silent, that was too much information, it wasn’t news that Riko was obsessed, he was clearly aggressive, Kevin made it clear that what happened to his hand wasn’t an accident, and Jean was hurt after Kengo Moriyama’s death, it wasn’t hard to connect the dots, but he just couldn’t imagine how someone could be cruel enough to – purposefully – break someone like Jean.
“Well, when I thought you and Kevin had some kind of history, that’s not what I had in mind,” Knox said because he had to say something, because he couldn’t imagine what was happening inside Jean’s head, because he couldn’t understand why Jean couldn’t close his eyes.
And Jean, who didn’t seem relieved for the change of subject, offered him a gentle smile as if he wasn’t just saying something so personal just seconds ago.
“In your defense, Kevin and I have every kind of history.
Jeremy gasped.
“No, you’re joking. Kevin’s totally straight.”
“He’s not straight at all,” Jean laughed, but his smile faded easily, “I shouldn’t be saying any of this to anyone. You have to promise me you’ll never say any of that to anyone, I’m trusting you.”
“Of course I’ll not say anything,” the blond boy said, because how could he share any of Jean’s secrets when it was obvious that Jean was holding them for so long, “but can I say that Kevin isn’t straight?”
“No, you can’t say that. I don’t know if Kevin told anyone, and I probably just outed him to you. Please don’t tell him, I’ll call him tomorrow and tell him myself.”
“Why did you tell me then?” Jeremy punched his arm playfully, and again Jean flinched but didn’t get away from Jeremy.
“I don’t know, it was supposed to be a joke about me, but for a moment I forgot that not everyone knows the same Kevin I do.”
Knox nodded, but his head wasn’t in the conversation anymore.
“You know you’re safe here, right?” Jeremy asked because it was painful to think that Jean was afraid that Jeremy would ever do something to hurt him, “I can see how you flinch, and I’d never hurt you.”
“I’m not used to people touching me with any other intention than hurting me, and I’ll never be safe anywhere,” Jean shrugged, “But I know you’re harmless. And we should go to bed.”
Jeremy frowned and looked at his phone, realizing that they spent more than an hour talking, it was fucking late, and honestly, Jeremy didn’t want to go.
He wanted to hear whatever Jean had to say, he wanted to hear his laugh, but they had practice in the morning, and they would be lucky if they got any sleep.
“Yes, you’re right,” Jeremy agreed, “are you well enough to sleep?”
Jean took a deep breath and shook his head.
“I won’t know until I wake up with nightmares. But you don’t have to stay awake with me,” Jeremy opened his mouth to argue, but Jean interrupted, “You know that fixing me isn’t your responsibility, right?”
Jeremy felt himself blush, partly because Jean’s gray eyes were focused on him, and his expression was worried, partly because, even though it wasn’t his responsibility, he felt like it was.
“I know that,” was all the Trojans’ Captain said, and Jean crossed his arms.
“Good, because you can’t,” Jean said firmly, before going to their room, not looking back to see if he was being followed.
And Jeremy knew, he wasn’t stupid, he knew that nothing he did would magically fix Jean’s problems, his nightmares wouldn’t disappear if Jean talked about them, but Jeremy wanted to help anyway, and he would love to say that it didn't hurt to see how Jean believed that there was no fixing him anymore, but it did hurt.
Still, Jeremy didn't disagree, he just shook his head trying to get Jean out of his head a little, which didn't help for long; as soon as he entered the room he saw that Jean was already asleep, or pretending to be asleep, Jeremy didn't know him well enough to know the difference, so he just threw himself on his own bed and left tiredness to take him, with only one thought in mind.
He would never understand Jean Moreau.
.
Another thing about Jean that Jeremy found out easily, was that he was a man of habits, they’re routine was something important to him, and he got visibly restless when something changed.
So, after the weirdest conversation Jeremy has ever had, they followed with their life just as it was – morning practices, classes, Jean had a meeting with his therapist twice a week, Jeremy had a meeting with his therapist once a week, lunch, classes again, evening practices, dinner –, except that now, when Jean inevitably woke up, Jean would get up with him, sometimes they would just stare at one another in silence, sometimes they would talk about the stupidest things, sometimes Jeremy would say personal stuff about his childhood, sometimes Jean would say awful things about the Nest, always cutting himself short when he thought he’d said too much, always afraid to let Jeremy know what he was hiding.
When Jean seemed too overwhelmed, they would watch something.
In one of those nights, Jeremy slept on the couch and woke up in his bed, wrapped in covers that weren’t his; in another one, he was the one to throw blankets on Jean’s shoulders, making sure that he was as comfortable as possible on a couch that was too small for him.
During practices, Jeremy couldn’t take his eyes out of Jean, he was brilliant, and genius, and so talented; and sometimes it seemed like Jean was looking back at him, smiling softly when Jeremy made a good move, squeezing or punching him lightly on the shoulder, gently patting him on the back, and not flinching when Jeremy returned the gesture.
Jean was even interacting better with the team, he was still a bit critical, but was open to criticism too, and he paid attention to what Jeremy said, he was just perfect.
When this thought first occurred to him, Jeremy should’ve understood what it meant – what he felt – but apparently, he was a little stupid, because it took him weeks to realize what was obvious.
His slow realization started after another one of Jean’s nightmares.
The Trojans had an away game, so the whole team was on the bus in the middle of the night, knowing that they’d spend hours on the road.
Jeremy and Jean’s sleep schedule was already fucked up, so they decided that it was safe to try to sleep on the bus and avoided naps the whole day, and apparently, it worked because they were both fast asleep in their seats as soon as the bus started to move.
The thing is, usually, Jeremy would wake up because Jean wasn’t exactly silent when walking around sleep-deprived and startled from a nightmare, but Jeremy never actually slept around Jean to know how panicked he woke up.
So, when Jean's trembling hands groped around for something that Jeremy didn't know what it was, they ended up hitting him in the chest and waking him up to a desperate, wide-eyed Jean struggling to breathe.
Not knowing what to do, Jeremy held Jean’s face in his hand, trying to give something to focus on instead of whatever was going on in his mind.
“Hey, are you ok?” Jeremy asked as Jean's breathing slowed down again, his chest rising and falling rapidly, but his expression finally began to soften and Jean placed one of his hands over Jeremy's, who was still holding him gently.
“Yes,” Jean said with a husky voice, “I’m sorry for waking you up again.”
“Stop apologizing,” Jeremy said, “I’m here for you.”
Jean nodded, reaching Jeremy’s wrists and pressing it gently, as a sign to let go, and looked around, seeing that they were probably the only ones awake.
“Do you always have the same nightmare?” Jeremy whispered, “Do you always wake up like this?”
“Not always the same, but yes, same reaction every time,” Jean sighed, “I’m so tired.”
“Me too. We can just go back to sleep, you know?”
“And go back to the nightmares?” Jean laughed humorlessly, shaking his head in disbelief, “No, thank you, I’d rather die from sleep deprivation.”
“We can’t help the team if we’re exhausted, Jean. And then we’re out of the championship.”
Jean seemed to think for a moment, he had said once, in one of those nights that none of them could sleep properly, that he needed to go as far as he could on the championship, he had to prove his worth; Jeremy tried to argue and say that he was worth more than just a game, but Jean laughed, and never talked about it again.
Still, Jeremy couldn’t forget how worried and determined he was, how he practiced as if his life depended on it, as if this was the last chance that Jean didn’t expect to have and now had to prove in any way that he deserved it.
“You’re right,” Jean finally said, and Jeremy sighed in relief.
Jeremy just wanted to go back to sleep, with the worry that Jean would be up all night out of the way, his attention turned completely to the uncomfortable seats of the bus; he had no intention whatsoever of saying anything, so he blamed his tiredness for what he said next.
“This seat is breaking my neck. Maybe I should sleep on you,” it was just a joke, Jeremy swore it was, but Jean nodded.
“Yeah, fine,” he said, wrapping an arm around Jeremy's waist and pulling him close until Jeremy's head was resting on his chest.
And, again, Jeremy swore he wanted to say it wasn't necessary, but it was just so comfortable and warm, and Jean smelled so good, and hearing his heart beating was so soothing, that all Jeremy could do was blush furiously and look up at him.
"Are you sure? It doesn't bother you?"
"No, why?" Jean asked, suddenly worried, "Are you uncomfortable?"
"No, of course not, but are you?"
"I'm fine."
"I was joking, you know?" Jeremy said anyway, "Well, I'm not complaining, but you don't have to do this."
"I know, Jeremy. The only person who could force me to do something that I didn't want to, is dead. Just go to sleep."
Jeremy couldn't hide his worry with what Jean meant with that, but he was exhausted, his eyes were almost closing without his permission, so he just obeyed, and went to sleep.
The weird thing happened when Laila woke them up, they were in the exact same position from the night before, except that Jean's head was resting on Jeremy's, but it was comfortable and safe, for a moment Jeremy wished they could wake up like this every day – not on a bus seat, but tangled in each other's arms.
That wasn't the weird part though, it was just a random thought that Jeremy ignored, but Jean woke up calmly and disoriented.
Jeremy kind of expected to see his lost and tired eyes like every morning after spending a whole night fighting his nightmares, but Jean seemed fine. Disoriented, but fine.
When Jean was awake enough to untangle himself from Jeremy, the Trojans’ Captain frowned at him.
"Did you have enough sleep?" he asked, and Jean nodded.
"I did, actually. That was the only time I woke up last night."
Jeremy smiled, because he has never seen Jean wake up only once after a nightmare, he would either wake up a thousand times or not sleep at all.
"We should try driving the next time you can't sleep, it was probably the bus' movement helping you sleep."
Jean considered it and shrugged.
"Seems likely," Moreau said, but he didn't sound very convincing, almost as if he had another theory but didn't want to share.
Fortunately, they were both rested enough to lead their team to another victory, with that and Jean getting better, Jeremy couldn’t be happier.
On their way back, Jean decided to get two seats to himself.
"If I go alone, I can lay down to sleep a little," he said, "do you mind?"
Jeremy didn't mind, obviously, if that would help Jean sleep better, he couldn't get upset.
But it would be a lie to say that Jeremy wasn't a little disappointed, the bus was so cold without Jean beside him.
Still, when the bus stopped, Jean looked as tired as he was when they got in.
.
They went back to their routine the next day, Jean had therapy, and all their classes were in different buildings. Jeremy had an important essay to work on and excused himself from lunch, so they didn't see each other until dinner.
It wasn't a problem, though, conversation became something easy between them, Jeremy never imagined that he'd see Jean as one of his closest friends, but there he was, counting the hours to see Jean and share his day or tell a stupid joke that he thought Jean would like.
Spending time with Jean was that easy.
Something changed that night though, Jeremy didn't wake up when Jean did, maybe because Jean didn't leave his bed and just stood there, silent, staring at the ceiling, but he woke up when Jean's phone started to ring.
Jean was sounding tired and angry, arguing in French with whoever was on the line – if Jeremy had to bet, he'd say it was Kevin, but it wasn't his business, so he stayed silent until the call ended, only then Jeremy sat up on his bed and stared at Jean who had his eyes closed.
"Is everything ok?" Jeremy asked in a low voice, to avoid startling Jean.
"It's Riko's birthday," Jean said, so Jeremy was probably right about being Kevin on the phone.
"Do you need anything?"
Jean took a deep breath, moving his head to stare at Jeremy from where he was.
"Would you sleep with me?"
Fortunately, Jeremy wasn't drinking anything, or he'd be, sure as hell, choking at that moment.
"And by sleep with you, you mean …?"
Jean chuckled.
"I mean sleep, just sleep."
"Oh, okay," Knox sighed, trying to hide the blush on his face and his obvious panic.
"Wait, if I meant anything else, would you say yes?"
"If you want this answer you have to mean it," Jeremy said, desperately hoping that Jean would understand that he needed a change of subject, "Why do you want me to sleep with you though?"
"Because it worked on the bus. I had nightmares, but I felt safe," Jean shrugged, "I want to feel safe again. You don't have to do this."
"That's fine," Jeremy knew he was blushing even more, but he got up and dragged his bed until it joined Jean's bed.
That way Jeremy would be close enough, so Jean would feel safe, and he could also escape as soon as Jeremy’s presence became too much.
Jean held out his hand, as an invitation, and Jeremy let himself be drawn into his arms, his head resting on Jean's chest, listening to his heartbeat.
For a moment Jeremy felt like he couldn't breathe, one of Jean's hands gently caressed his back, and once again that warm, comfortable feeling washed over him.
"This is nice," Jeremy murmured, and Jean chuckled, he sounded sleepy, Jeremy smiled to himself and closed his eyes.
The taller boy was already awake when Jeremy got up the next day, he was in the kitchen, coffee in hand, humming a song Jeremy didn't know, it was a Saturday, they had nothing else to do, and it felt so domestic and sweet.
Jeremy smiled, Jean didn't notice his presence yet, he didn't even say a word and still, Jeremy felt so happy.
That was when he noticed, that was when the panic from the last night came back to him in full force, and he understood.
"Hi," Jean said, finally seeing him and smiling sweetly, Jeremy's heart almost exploded, "I made coffee, and I'm making toast."
"Oh," Jeremy said with a sad face, "I promised to have breakfast with Alvarez, but I'll be back by lunch."
"Don't worry," the boy answered, turning back to the toaster, "are you going to that same coffee shop as ever?"
"Yep, probably."
"They have this amazing chocolate pie, can you bring me a slice?"
"Sure," Jeremy said, trying to remain as neutral as possible in front of Jean, and hurried to change out of his pajamas into some decent clothes, before grabbing the car keys and saying goodbye to Jean.
As soon as he got into the car, away from Jean's ears, Jeremy desperately reached for his cell phone, dialing the only number he knew better than his own.
"What is it?" Alvarez answered after several calls, in a sleepy, irritated voice.
"We're going to breakfast as I promised you, remember?" Jeremy said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently.
"You didn't promise me a fucking thing, we didn't agree to shit. It's 7 AM, Jeremy!"
"Is it a good moment to say you're my best friend and I love you?"
Alvarez grunted.
"You want something, you only ever say that you love me when you want something. Okay, I'll meet you in ten minutes. Same old coffee shop?"
"Same old coffee shop," Jeremy agreed, "Be there in five minutes," he said, hanging up before the girl could argue.
Alvarez seemed as tired as she sounded, probably because she was upset for leaving her girlfriend alone on a Saturday morning, or just because she could be doing literally anything else, but, instead, was stuck with her disastrous best friend.
"So," Alvarez said when the waitress brought their orders, "why did you need me so early? It better be a goddamn good reason."
"Maybe I just wanted to see you, who's my best friend."
"You're doing the thing again."
Jeremy feigned innocence.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"The thing you do when you want something, so spill it out, buddy."
Jeremy took a deep breath, Alvarez was looking at him with a knowing smile he didn't appreciate.
"I think I might be in love with someone."
"Yeah, it's Jean. Mystery solved, do you need something else?" Alvarez said, looking so bored, probably wanting to be anywhere else, which was kinda offensive.
"What do you mean?" Knox asked, "I just realized that, I always thought he was hot, obviously, but this is totally different."
"Oh boy, please. You fell for him on his first practice with us, maybe earlier. You must be very stupid not to realize that as soon as he walks in anywhere, he is the only thing you can notice."
Jeremy stirred his cappuccino without taking a drop, his head was heavy; Jean really was impressive, his expression was always serious, his aura secretive and reserved, but he opened a sweet smile when someone spoke to him or nodded to demonstrate that he was listening, how could anyone not pay attention when his presence was so strong and silent? How could Jeremy look anywhere else, when he was right there, mumbling in French, laughing at stupid jokes, playing as if his life depended on it, humming songs no one knew while making toast, watching with attentive, judgment-free eyes?
How could Jeremy look anywhere else when Jean was present?
"Jean was my responsibility, that was why I was looking at him all the time."
"No, Jean was Coach's responsibility, and that's why he watched him so closely. You just couldn't look away, and that's totally different. Oh my God, Laila will die when I tell her how stupid you are."
"Seriously? I'm here trusting you, and you're going to tell her?"
"You know that if you tell me something, my girlfriend will know too," Alvarez smiled, "And she's your friend too, so don’t be a drama queen. Did you talk to Jean about it?"
"Of course not, I just found out this morning."
"God, you're dumb."
"I get it, you can stop laughing now," Jeremy rolled his eyes, but Alvarez kept laughing anyway, "Jean trust me, and it wasn't easy to deserve his trust, I don't want him to think that all I did was expecting something else. He has to know that I care about him as a friend."
"If you tell him, he'll know," Alvarez said as if it was that easy, "Jeremy, don't make it harder than it has to be. Jean looks at you much as you look at him, and I may be wrong, but you have to try at the very least. If your feelings are one-sided, then you'll know and move on. That doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore."
Knox sighed.
"I think I have a thing about to dark-haired broken boys."
"Do you think?" Alvarez smiled, shaking her head, "Talk to him, stupid. I'm sure as hell he isn't straight, he's French."
That made Jeremy laugh.
" That doesn't mean things will not change between us."
"Listen, you dumb and insecure ray of sunshine, you have two options: not talk to him and lie to yourself until you're able to get over him, or talk to him and see where it goes. If you talk to him, he might hate you and things will change, he might not feel the same, but things won't change, or he might like you back. Only one of those options is awful, and you can get over it anyway," the girl said, gesturing as if she was putting the options on a scale, "either way, you'll have a friend, a boyfriend, or you'll just have to move on."
"I'd rather have him as a friend than just not having him at all."
"You're sounding like a loser. If he doesn't like you, it's his loss, and if he says something bad because you like him, is that really the kind of friend you want to have? You deserve more than that, Jeremy."
She had a point, Jeremy knew that, he didn't want to admit that he was so scared of losing Jean forever, earning his trust had been so hard, he couldn't lose it because of unexpected feelings.
"I can see you're burning your brain cells," Alvarez said, "Just talk to him, you can't control how Jean feels, that's not how things work."
"I know," Jeremy thought about the comfort of Jean's arms, how he could lose this, or how he could have this every day, "If I want him to trust me, I have to be honest, right?"
"Now we're talking," his best friend smiled, she seemed proud, Alvarez wasn't an easy person to impress.
"Sorry for waking you up," Jeremy said, and Alvarez dismissed the apology with a gesture.
"Nothing is more important than helping the one person who has always supported me, you idiot."
"Not even your girlfriend?"
"Please don't say that to her," they laughed, and Jeremy felt as if a weight was lifted from his back.
When Jeremy finally returned to the dorm, with a slice of chocolate pie in a cute wrapper, Jean was in the living room watching a Trojan's Exy match from last year's championship.
He was so distracted with the match that only noticed Jeremy's presence when he sat on the couch beside him.
Jean smiled, pausing the game.
"I didn't hear you coming. I was seeing the biggest mistakes of our defense line, and I have some ideas on how to fix it. Maybe I should teach the other back liners some Ravens’ techniques, Kevin said it's working with the Foxes."
"That's really thoughtful of you, but I was wondering if we could talk about something."
"What's wrong," Jean turned to him immediately, his full attention on Jeremy, which was intimidating.
And suddenly Jeremy didn't have the words, Jean's eyes were too gray and too beautiful and his black hair was falling on his eyes when he looked down to stare at Jeremy because he was tall like that and Jeremy couldn't focus on anything else but his lips.
"Are you feeling okay? I can drive you to the hospital if I have to."
"You hate driving," Jeremy smiled, "No, it's just. I can't think because I really want to kiss you right now, but I don't want you to think that that's the only reason I befriended you."
Jean frowned.
"You'd never do that, I know that. And I’m honored," he said, "You're a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you, but– "
"Oh no," Jeremy stood up, raising his hands, "It's fine if you don't feel the same, I can understand that, but don't use the 'it's not you, it's me' on me. I’m an adult, I can handle when people don’t like me.”
"I wish that was the problem," Jean said, sounding offended and upset "there's too much you don't know Jean, why do you think I have nightmares?"
"What are you talking about?" Jeremy asked because it seemed like he lost something, was Jean just changing the subject? What Jeremy's feelings had to do with Jean's nightmares? "I know you've been through a lot, but you're safe now, Jean, you're safe with us."
Jean shook his head and laughed, but it wasn't the laughter of someone having fun, it was the laughter of someone trying not to panic.
"I'll never be really safe, Jeremy, I'm just safe while I'm useful, and there's no way I'll be useful forever. You're amazing, you really are, and I'd be so lucky to have you, I wish I could, but I would put a target on your back and how would I forgive myself?"
"What are you talking about?" Jeremy repeated because he wasn't making any sense.
"I'm talking about how I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you, but you deserve something better than someone broken like me."
Jeremy was starting to get impressed with Jean's ability to make him feel stupid, and his special ability to piss him off.
"I think I can decide what's better for myself without your help, thank you very much."
"And then what?” Jean stood up too, “Do you think they're not coming for you as soon as I mess up?"
"You're not making any sense, who'd come after me?"
"The Moriyamas!" Jean yelled as if it was obvious.
Jeremy took a deep breath, gently taking Jean's hands in his.
"Jean, talk to me. Why do you have nightmares? What did they do to you?"
Moreau opened his mouth and closed it again.
"If I tell you everything they did to me, you'll never see me the same way again. And if I tell you who they are, I'll put your life in danger."
"Are you in danger?" Jeremy had to ask because his heart was beating too fast, because all this time he was trying to convince Jean that his real-life nightmare was over, and it wasn’t the truth.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"My life doesn’t belong to me, mon coeur, and if anyone finds out how I feel about you, your life will be theirs too," Jean shook his head, "I'm aware that the best choice for me is to be alone, I don't want you involved in this mess. You have an amazing future, an amazing life waiting for you, don't you dare try to waste it on me."
"I will never talk about again if you say no because you don't want me, but don't try to make my decisions for me. Tell me everything, I won't tell anyone, but I can try to help you."
"You can't help me, Neil, Kevin, and I had to make a deal to be free. They own us, and therefore they own everyone else in our life."
Jeremy frowned again, sitting back on the couch.
"You have a deal with the Moriyamas?" he asked gently, "Why? What are they?"
"The Moriyamas are powerful and dangerous," Jean said, running his hands over his face in a nervous gesture, "and I belong to them, always have and always will. And so do Kevin and Neil. Our lives depend on how valuable we are on the court, and if I fail, if at some point they decide that I'm too big of a risk, it's over. I'm not making choices for you, Jeremy. But do you think you could be with someone whose life is so worthless?"
Jean looked as broken as the first time Jeremy had seen him in the coach's office, defeated, the glow in his eyes that usually appeared after a victory, was not there.
Sometimes, Jeremy wondered if he was dealing with two different versions of Jean, and how he should deal with each one.
"Who are you?" Jeremy whispered.
"What?"
"Who are you to say that your life is worthless? I can't stand that anymore. Riko didn't break you, Jean, you're still here, and he's dead. I will never understand how you feel because I don't know half of what happened to you, but your life worth more than they made you believe. Fine, you belong to them, and that's dangerous, at any moment you can lose everything you have, so you just chose to not have anything at all? Everyone can die at any moment, Jean, I can die in ten minutes for no reason, and when this happens I'd rather die knowing that I kissed you at least once."
"That's different."
"Is it?” Jeremy closed his hands into fists, he was trembling, a confusion of feelings made his head spin, but that moment wasn't about him, “Because maybe something can happen to you before the Moriyamas are done with you,” he continued, “and then what? You're having a second chance, so take it."
"Jeremy, calm down,” Jean murmured, seeing how shaken Jeremy was.
"I can't calm down! You don't have to be with me, but you can't tell me that you chose to be alone, that chose to just throw your life away and expect me to be fine with it."
"I'm not throwing my life away, I can still play, that's more than I expected. I thought I'd be dead by now."
"You deserve so much more than just be alive, why is it so hard for you to see it?"
"I don't know what you want me to say, Jeremy."
"I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you're happy how you are right now. I want you to tell me that you have everything you could ever want. Can you say that?" Jeremy asked, "Because I can't. There's so much I want to do, so much I want to achieve, and I'll try as hard as I can to get there. And maybe I'll never live a big romance like in the stupid books I used to read, maybe I'll never go to Rome, and maybe I'll never leave my mark on the world, but I'll try. Because I deserve to live, Jean, and so do you. Doesn't matter what happened, or what they said to you. Your life is yours, and as long as we play together I'll make everything I can to go as far as possible in any championship, so you can prove to them and everyone else how amazing you are. You're not hiding under Riko's shadow anymore, you're not number three anymore."
Jean was staring at him, his expression unreadable, Jeremy knew he went too far, he knew that he could say whatever he wanted, but he'd never know what Jean was really going through, he knew that a speech wouldn't erase years of abuse, but he had to do something – anything.
"Why me?" Jean asked and Jeremy laughed.
"Why not you? I might not know everything about you, but I know you love when there are kids wearing your jersey on our games, I know you spend your free time on a Saturday morning studying how you can help the team, you make plans to help the other back liners, even the ones who are rude to you. I know you drink coffee daily, and you like tea before you go to bed. I know that I feel comfortable around you. I know that talking to you is so easy, and when you smile I feel like I'm dying, so why not you, Jean?"
"You can't fix me."
"And I'm not trying to, I'm not a fucking therapist for fucks sake. I just want to be beside you while you grow and heal," Jeremy smiled, "if you want me to"
"I do," Jean nodded, "I do want you. But I don’t know how to want things anymore."
Jeremy laughed, trying not to cry.
"Just kiss me," Jeremy couldn't help but feel like his heart would jump out of his chest, "and the rest,” he shrugged, “we'll figure it out."
So Jean kissed him, and Jeremy wondered if this what dying felt like because he couldn't breathe right and his heart was beating so fast that it could explode at any moment.
Kissing Jean felt like making a decisive goal in the last second of a game, it felt like cold water on a hot day, it felt like running in the morning, when the world is silent, and it's just you, the morning sky and the cold breeze.
Kissing Jean felt like being alive.
They didn't spend the rest of the day kissing, even though Jeremy wanted to, Jean felt the need to be open with Jeremy, and told him everything: what Riko did, how Kevin never interfered, who the Moriyamas were, the deal Neil made, how Jean planned to take his own life, but fortunately Renee saved him before he did.
Jeremy cried a lot, and every time he cried Jean would hug him and kiss him, and wipe his tears and murmur something in French that Jeremy couldn't understand but sounded so reassuring.
Sometimes Jean had to stop, and close his eyes, so Jeremy would take his hand to remember him that he was there, that he wasn't alone anymore, they were in this together.
And then Jeremy kissed him again, because he wanted this for so long and couldn’t stop right now, and Jean kissed him back, again, and again, holding Jeremy’s face in his hand, almost as he couldn’t believe this was happening.
It wouldn't be easy, both of them were fully aware of that, now that Jeremy knew how Jean's life literally depended on exy, he knew that he'd be worried about it for the rest of his life, besides, Jean needed way more support than Jeremy could imagine, therapy was helping, but he needed time to believe in himself again – to believe that he was allowed to have a life apart from Exy – but that was okay, they had time.
And, that night, when Jean hugged him as if Jeremy was a teddy bear, Jeremy couldn't close his eyes, he watched Jean sleep, his fingers sliding through the dark hair, Jean's head resting on his chest until the morning came and Jean opened his eyes, still sleepy, but more relaxed than Jeremy has ever seen him.
Jeremy might don’t know everything about Jean, but here’s what he knows:
- he hated peanut butter;
- he liked mornings, especially sunny mornings after a rainy night;
- he was so tall, Jeremy was always asking for help to reach the highest shelves;
- he didn’t drive – “I know how to drive, I just hate it,” he said;
- he didn’t know how to cook;
- he talked to Jeremy about everything and anything;
- he had nightmares, and he’d probably always have nightmares;
- but he wasn’t alone anymore;
- for now, he was safe.
And for Jeremy, that was more than enough.