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As with everything that was miserable in Travis’s life— it started with Luke Castellan.
“Travis, Ethan, get your asses out of bed and start preparing for the bonfire.” Luke, sweaty and stinky and gross from his swordsmanship class, called as he hurried in towards his corner in the Hermes cabin.
Identical groans could be heard from Travis’s bed. Travis sat up, a look of indignation evident on his face. “Why us? You’re in charge today!”
“I have somewhere else to be,” Luke replied. He took his shirt off before turning to Travis. “I’ll be back when the bonfire starts but until then, cover for me.”
Travis turned to Ethan. “So the bastard is sneaking out. When he has shit to do.”
Ethan ignored him and sat up, leaning back with his arms to support him. “Where are you going?” he asked Luke.
Luke pulled his shirt down his torso before turning to Ethan, unimpressed. “Really? Are you actually asking me that ?”
Ethan looked like he had something to say before he decided against it. He pressed his lips tightly and looked down.
“What’s wrong with asking?” Travis defended his boyfriend. “Anyways, where are you going? What are you gonna do?”
Luke rolled his eyes. “I have a lot of things to do and a lot of places to be, Trav. Get up. Firewood is at the border of the woods already, just bring it to the bonfire circle.”
“What? We still have to carry it all the way to the circle?” Travis complained. “That’s too heavy!”
“And itchy!” Ethan added.
“And both of you are good for nothing losers who spend your day lazing around and flirting in bed!” Luke yelled.
“But we’re already done with our tasks-”
“Ethan, I don’t fucking care! Just do as you’re told!”
Travis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was used to Luke’s hostility towards him and Connor, be it whispered insults or hurtful jibes disguised as jokes, but they were rarely yelled at. It was not in Luke’s nature to yell, even though he hated the Stolls (Something about their father having two children with the same woman, despite promising Luke’s mother she was the favorite and Luke would be the greatest among his children. Travis and Connor were sure their father said the same thing to every woman he had sex with.). But he has been yelled at today. Twice. With Ethan too.
In retrospect, he honestly should have known better than to provoke Luke.
He could not pinpoint when it started, much less identify how, but Luke had seemingly changed. He appeared to be more careful and preoccupied these days. He was also busier, as if planning a high-risk heist that had him on edge the entire time.
He opened his eyes when he felt Ethan hold his hand. His gaze met Ethan’s, who seemed to be asking if he was alright. He gave him a little smile and lightly bumped his shoulder against his to tell him he was fine.
This is what Travis loves most about their relationship— the assurance that someone is there for the other when things get rough. In this world where demigods live a hard life, it’s easier to choose death than to continue living. But not for them. They were Travis and Ethan. Both of them have one person to stay alive for.
As long as they could come home to each other, that would be enough. This was a fact that Travis will never doubt. He knew it was naive and childish, that it was the teenager in him that made him believe in that crap. But hey, he’s probably gonna die at age twenty, so might as well be the most disgusting hopeless romantic at sixteen.
“Get up,” Luke said. “Don’t make me repeat myself. Do it now, because if the bonfire doesn’t start on time because of you, the rest of the cabins won’t leave our asses alone for weeks .”
Oh yeah. Luke was telling them to take care of the bonfire. All that yelling made him forget what he needed to do.
“Especially cabin six because they’re perfect and they never make mistakes therefore the rest of us should be like them and set ourselves up to their standards.”
He stopped by the foot of Travis’s bed and stared at Ethan as if daring him to something .
Something Travis doesn’t know.
For a moment, Luke and Ethan stared at each other until Ethan broke it off and started fiddling with the seams of his jeans.
Luke rolled his eyes and turned to his brother. “Make sure it gets done, yeah? And tell your boyfriend to make up his fucking mind. If he’s always unsure of everything he’s going to get killed earlier than the rest of us.”
Luke left before Travis could ask what he meant. Before he could ask Ethan what his brother meant, the other already had his back to him while tying his shoelaces. “Let’s get this over with already.”
“What was that about?” Travis asked him.
“What?”
“Luke. What was that about?”
“I dunno.” Ethan shrugged. “Nothing.”
Lie.
“So…” Travis stared at his boyfriend. “Is it ‘I dunno’ or ‘ Nothing’?”
“T-”
“It’s fine if you don’t wanna tell me yet, because I know you’ll tell me eventually.” He poked Ethan’s left cheek. “But I don’t like it when you pretend it’s nothing.”
He watched Ethan open his mouth and close it again, as if he was contemplating whether he should tell Travis. In the end, all he did was sigh.
“I know, T. I’ll tell you soon, I promise.” Ethan held Travis’s right hand and Travis followed the movement with his eyes. “But for now, let’s deal with the bonfire first. The sun is about to set and it’s gonna get cold.”
Travis let go of his hand so he could wrap his arms around him. “It never gets cold here at camp.” He kissed the corner of Ethan’s left eye before they started walking out of cabin eleven. “Don’t worry. If you get cold, I’ll warm you up.”
“Shut up.”
“What? You don’t wanna be held by me?”
Ethan mock glared at him. Travis could see him trying to keep himself from smiling. Operation Change the Subject was almost a success.
“If you want Connor and I could, you know, sandwich you between us. In a sandwich hug? Sandwich embrace? Like, you know, when we were kids.”
Ethan laughed.
Success.
“Don’t drag your brother into this, you crazy elf.” Ethan playfully hit Travis’s side before wrapping his arm around his back. “Besides, you said it yourself, it never gets cold here.”
They’re okay.
Travis did not like dwelling on negative feelings. As much as he disliked that Ethan was keeping secrets from him, secrets that Luke knew, he did not want to have a confrontation over it. If he insisted on knowing, he knew Ethan would be uncomfortable and he would lash out at him, then he would be passive-aggressive in return and things would get ugly.
It was best to just avoid that situation entirely.
He was not even that upset, truly.
Ethan was going to tell him whenever he would be ready, he knew that. He genuinely believed that.
They were fine.
The warmth from Ethan’s body, the sound of his laugh, the way his eyes meet his before he shares a joke, all of these were assurances to Travis.
They’re alright. Tomorrow, they would wake up to each other, and if they don’t, they would make their way back to each other. Travis knew he could trust in them, in what they have. And that was enough.
To each other, they were enough.
He was convinced of that. He has to be.
Because if he was not, then he has nothing.
They made their way to the edge of the woods and brought the firewood to the circle. They finished their task quickly because as a demigod, being slow at doing anything was a sin. That one minute they took for granted, could have saved someone’s life. Or theirs. This mentality was so ingrained into their minds, their system, their being, that they incorporate it into every little thing they do.
Being at ease means death. To half-bloods, it always feels like things happen so quickly but time passes so slowly at the same time.
Travis thought full-mortals call it anxiety, but he wasn’t sure.
The sun was setting down and it should be getting cold, but it wasn’t. It never snows at Camp Half-Blood, unless they want it to. Connor said he heard that the counselors were planning a snow day training, so they might let snow in past the barrier. That would be fun. Cabin Eleven always organizes Snow Day so he’s excited about that.
It was also an excuse to cuddle with Ethan, so to Travis, that was a great thing.
He was excited. Being a half-blood sucks but Travis wasn’t complaining. He loved Camp Half-Blood. He loved playing pranks on people he considered his family, he loved standing by Lady Hestia’s hearth before sundown so he could watch each cabin torch, from Zeus to Dionysus, light up, he loved having dates at the strawberry fields or the beach (sometimes, when they’re feeling adventurous, they would go to the woods and pray to the gods they don’t get killed). No words would ever be enough to describe just how much he loved this camp.
He could never imagine how anybody would ever want to leave.
“This is my last Christmas here.” Ethan said.
That got Travis out of his stupor. “Huh?”
“I said, this is my last Christmas here.” Ethan was avoiding Travis’s eyes.
“What?” Travis stuttered. “I don’t get it. What do you mean?”
“The thing with Luke earlier. We were talking about… I told him…” Ethan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m thinking of staying with my dad for a while.”
That was a lie.
“Bullshit, E. You hate your dad.”
“Well, I hate it here too! I hate everyone here!” Ethan suddenly yelled.
Travis was surprised at the outburst. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but he did know what to reply. He felt like he knew where this conversation was going and he usually knew what to say, but Ethan raising his voice shocked him.
He shifted his weight from foot to foot and stared at his partner. “Including me?”
Ethan finally looked back at him.
“Except you.” Ethan whispered. “You’re the only one I love here. You. And Con. And Chris. Drew. Al. You’re the only ones I love here. Because you guys are the only ones who love me back.”
Travis knew it.
“Gods, here we go again-”
“Travis, enough.” Ethan asked, pleading. “I know what you’re gonna say, I’ve memorized it all.”
Ethan took a step towards him.
“And I’m really grateful for it. I’m grateful that I have you. That I have one Travis Stoll who tells me...everything you tell me when I’m like this.” Ethan held Travis’s hand. “I have a Travis who’d hold my hand when I feel like I have no one.”
Travis avoided Ethan’s eyes and looked at the hand holding his instead.
“But, T, if you’re sick of this conversation, imagine what it’s like for me.” He squeezed Travis’s hands tighter. Almost as if he was begging him.
Maybe he was.
“Every day I pray to the gods, whom I knew weren't listening. I pray for things to change. I pray for all my insecurities and self-pity to go away. If I could just turn every assurance and validation you give me into reality, I would. But I can’t.” Ethan sobbed. “I can’t, T. I can’t change anything and I hate it.”
Travis squeezed the hand holding his and wiped the tears on Ethan’s left cheek. “I know.”
“No, you don’t.” Ethan looked him in the eyes. “I know you tried, T, and I love you for it. But you really don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to fight to be alive, Travis.”
“That’s unfair.” Travis replied. “Every demigod fights for their life, E.”
“It’s different for us. You’re the son of an Olympian, what would you know? You were born to fight glorious battles and die a heroic death. Us? We were meant to be nameless soldiers you’ve led in battle so you guys could look good in history books. We shouldn’t have been born at all.”
“Ethan that’s not true-”
“It is , T.” Ethan squeezed Travis’ hand with both of his. “You’re fighting to survive. We’re fighting to earn the right to live at all.”
Silence.
Travis met Ethan’s eyes when he felt the other shake his arm lightly. He knew that look on his boyfriend’s face. It was him wordlessly telling Travis that he did not blame him and that Travis should not blame himself as well.
Travis hated that look.
Ethan should be more selfish than that. He did not need to comfort Travis. He should not have to.
“I’m not like you, T. I cannot be content with scraps, charity, or whatever it is that I have here. You have the Hermes cabin. You have a place, and people, you could call yours. Me?” Ethan held Travis’s cheek. “I only have you, T. Only you.”
Travis wrapped Ethan in an embrace, both of them were sobbing now. He could not do anything else but hold him. He did not know what to say and was not sure if he should even speak at all. He knew all of those already, all of Ethan’s struggle. His pain. They have had countless conversations about it. But both of them had always felt like there was nothing they could do about it, so they continued to live as they were.
Travis tried to fix things the way he knew how, he really did. He thought that if he just tried his best, if he gave it his all in loving Ethan, in making him feel like he had a place to return to, things would be better. Not fine, nor perfect, but better. And it would be enough.
But it wasn’t. And it shouldn’t be.
Nothing is enough.
Not when Ethan was still unclaimed. Not when there were dozens of other children in the Hermes cabin working harder than others, hoping to be recognized, to be acknowledged.
Travis should have shared Ethan’s pain. He should have hated, rejected , their circumstances. Instead, he made every effort to create a situation where they could escape from their reality to.
A world where they could continue to deny that things suck.
He was so ashamed of himself.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ethan.” He held Ethan tighter.
“I know. It’s not your fault. I know you did what you thought best.”
“And it wasn’t. I should’ve done better.”
“Hey.” Ethan broke from Travis’s embrace. “It’s not your fault, Travis. It’s not your fault our parents are dicks.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“And I forgive you. We’re kids, T. We’re allowed to fuck up. What do we know about shit, anyway? What could we do? Nothing. We’re just teenagers.”
Travis embraced him once again. Ethan was right, there was nothing they could do to change things. No matter how much he wanted to take Ethan’s pain away, he couldn’t.
So he prayed. He prayed to the same gods whom he cursed. He prayed that if they were to ever part, Ethan would remember him like this.
Someone who held him so lovingly, with all his heart, and hoped for a brighter tomorrow for him.
“Uh. What’s happening?”
They broke away, surprised at hearing Connor’s concerned voice.
“Nothing.” Travis turned away, to wipe his tears, and shielded Ethan with his body to give his boyfriend a few seconds to compose himself as well.
“Are you guys gonna break up?” Connor asked. “Ethan, I know it’s my brother’s fault-”
“Shut it.” Travis playfully pinched Connor on the side and rolled his eyes.
Connor grinned. “Just saying. You suck and Ethan should probably break up with you, but I want him as my brother-in-law so you can’t.”
“We’re not breaking up, Con. Everything’s fine.” Ethan smiled at Connor.
“Uhh…” Connor raised both brows at both of them. “That’s a lie, but I’ll let it pass. You guys look like shit so please go wash your faces before everybody comes here for the bonfire.”
“‘Aight. Thanks, Con.” Travis replied.
“Sure. Where’s Luke? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one preparing for this?”
“Dunno. He said he had somewhere to be and asked us to do his shit.” Ethan replied.
“And cover for him.” Travis added.
“Oh. Well, I hope he trips or something.” Connor joked. “Go wash your faces, losers. Bye.”
The two of them hurried over to where the sinks were to wash their faces.
“It looks like my Christmas gift would come in handy then.” Travis told Ethan.
Ethan raised a brow in curiosity as Travis pulled something out of his coat pocket.
A handkerchief.
“Wow. You didn’t even bother to wrap it. No effort for your boyfriend whatsoever.” Ethan complained, even though he was smiling from ear to ear.
“I wasn’t gonna give it to you yet! But, whatever.” Travis handed it to him. “It’s like a handkerchief card anyways. It has something embroidered on it. Read it.”
“‘To more winters with you, my beloved.’ Wow, that’s the cheesiest shit I’ve ever read. You suck.” Ethan mock glared at him.
Travis grinned at him. “Uh-huh.” Travis ducked to kiss Ethan’s temple, right above his left eye.
They smiled at each other as Ethan wiped Travis’s wet face with his new handkerchief. He did it as gently as the way he was staring at his beloved’s eyes, hoping to convey feelings he can’t express through words.
“Would you still be here next summer? Or are you leaving right after Christmas?” Travis asked.
“I’ll stay until summer. I’ll leave after the Summer camp.”
“Okay.”
Both of them stared at the ground as an awkward silence surrounded them.
“Did Luke ask you to do it?”
Ethan looked up to him so fast, eyes wide with surprise. “What?”
Huh. Travis thought. “Did Luke ask you to do it? To stay. Until Summer.”
“Oh.” Ethan replied, sounding as if he’s relieved. “Yeah. Yeah, we talked about it and, um. He said I, that I, I should probably stay until Summer.”
Lie. That was a lie.
Ethan turned away from Travis and wiped his face dry with the handkerchief.
Fine.
If Ethan did not want to talk about it, Travis would not pry. He was sure Ethan would tell him what it was, eventually. Before he leaves, at least.
(Ethan didn’t.)
“Well, summer is still a long time from now. We still have time to build you a cabin. Or a treehouse, at least.”
Ethan chuckled. “A treehouse?”
“Yep.”
“You would build me a treehouse. In the woods. Of this camp. Where I could be eaten by monsters.”
“Pft, don’t worry about it. I’ll just stick Chris and Alabaster’s pictures on your walls and you'll be fine. It’ll scare the monsters away.”
Ethan laughed. “You’re an idiot, Travis Stoll.”
“You love me, though.”
“Unfortunately.”
Travis kissed him on the lips and whispered. “Hey. I don’t know when, or how, but I swear, I swear , I’ll build you a cabin one way or another. The others too. I can’t do it immediately, and certainly not alone, but I will. I promise. I swear it on the Styx.”
“You shouldn’t have.” Ethan smiled ruefully.
Travis just smiled back because he knew Ethan had already lost hope.
It’s alright. He was still determined to fulfill that promise. No matter what it takes.
“Well, since it’s your last Christmas here, FOR NOW,” Travis raised a brow at him and smiled. “We should enjoy the bonfire as much as we can.”
“Alright.” Ethan replied softly.
Travis held his hand and kissed the corner of his left eye. “Let’s go?”
Ethan squeezed his hand tight.
Travis smiled. It was in the simplest actions that assured Travis of his love.
They would be alright.
(They wouldn’t be.)
Travis would never doubt that.
(He should have.)
“Let’s go.”
And they went together, hand in hand. Like always.
(It didn’t last long.)