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Senior year is going fine for April Stevens, and after her family being besmirched by scandal, finding out her father was not the man she thought he was, her mother becoming a meek and passive shell of a woman, and April almost committing to a relationship that she was not prepared for the ramifications of, fine seems like a grand place to be.
April remains civil with her family, everyone pretending nothing has changed when literally every fiber of their relationship’s beings have. She does this by taking as much time as reasonable away from them; locked away in her room studying, weight training at the gym, or having dinner at Hannah B.’s house once a week. It’s all very fine.
Until it’s not.
April and Sterling’s relationship had had two endings really; the first when they regrettably parted ways at the lock-in and then the second when April discovered the twins hand in arresting her father and used some very choice (and possibly not very Christian) words to tell them that she never wanted to see either of them again. Sterling hasn’t dared to speak to April since, and that’s been fine.
The two avoid being alone together at all costs, never speak directly to each other, and avoid all eye contact.
It’s all working out fine for April.
Until a new girl joins their year group;
Abigail.
Ellen’s showing the girl around the school when April arrives at fellowship that morning and, as she takes her regular seat between Ezekiel and Hannah B., April watches Ellen introduce the unfamiliar face to Sterling and Blair.
“Should we say a prayer for her?” Ezekiel mumbles beside April, eliciting a chuckle from under her breath.
They don’t see new girl again until lunch, when April is irritated by the obnoxiously loud laughter coming from a table much too far away for their sound to be so rudely intruding on April’s own conversation. She pulls a judge mental grimace and turns to see what creature is producing the godawful squawking. Sure enough, it’s new-girl-Abigail.
And Sterling.
April allows herself to stare at Sterling for the first time in a long time, watching the way her eyes light up and her mouth suddenly triples in size as she lets out an enthusiastic laugh, hand gripping Abigail’s forearm.
“Poor girl sounds like a bird getting hit by an eighteen wheeler,” Ezekiel’s voice brings April’s attention back to their table. She looks at him and he nods his head towards the other girls.
“I think she seems nice,” Hannah B. chimes in sweetly, shrugging her shoulders. “Sterling certainly seems to like her.”
A redness rises in April’s neck and onto her cheeks at that, her head turning back to look at the source of laughter filling the quad again.
She half expects Sterling to meet her gaze, to look up and realize April’s staring and clamp her mouth shut. But she doesn’t. She’s too busy looking at Abigail.
April scoffs and stands.
“I just remembered I have a meeting with Ellen,” she lies and promptly makes a beeline for the library, or anywhere but here.
It takes some journaling to get her thoughts in order, but April’s nothing if not a master at compartmentalization. Who cares if Sterling looks like the stars were hung only for her when she’s around Abigail? Certainly not April. She’s busy with her own life and endeavors.
That’s what she tells herself anyway as they wrap up a fellowship meeting, discussing the upcoming bake sale, and April watches Sterling patiently stand beside Abigail while she gathers her things, awkwardly playing with her bag strap and popping her hip in a way that feels familiar to April. She squints. When Abigail stands, April can’t hear what Sterling says with everyone else in the room speaking and hustling to leave, but she does note the way that Sterling places her hand on the other girls arm multiple times as they talk, looking like she’ll take any opportunity to touch her.
Is Sterling flirting with Abigail?
It doesn’t matter, April reminds herself, and quickly gathers her own items and leaves.
The next meeting that follows a week later however has April staring again. The two girls have slowly, throughout the entire meeting, shifted together in their positions on the couch, their sides now fully pressed to one another so that they almost have no choice but to rest their hands together.
April feels that heat rise in her cheeks again and she has to distract herself with papers to force it to cool.
April sticks around to help Ellen tidy and discuss some further ideas for fellowship, which leads to her being the last student out of the building. By the time she steps onto the Willingham carpark, she’s finally cleared her mind of the whole Sterling and Abigail ordeal, much more focused on getting home and writing her English paper.
After fiddling around in her bag for too long to find her keys, April presses the central locking button on them to give her some light and find her car. She’s shocked into stillness however when she spots an all too familiar Volt planted in the middle of the parking lot.
Suddenly her heart’s racing and there’s a burn, almost a sting, rising in her throat.
That can’t be Sterling’s cars. There’s no way.
She has to walk closer to get to her own car, April justifies, so she walks partway across the carpark but the closer she gets, the more that burn starts to spread throughout her body, her eyes catching the brunt of it as they threaten to well with tears when she admits to herself that yes, that definitely is Sterling’s car and yes, the windows definitely do look fogged up.
April clenches her jaw to the point of pain and rushes to her own vehicle, peeling out of the parking lot.
Another round of journaling with her pen pressing so hard against the paper she tears it multiple times, April has, what she considers, successfully compartmentalized.
She’s sitting beside Hannah B. in class now, her head down and mind focused solely on the task at hand.
“Pardon?” Hannah B. chirps.
April frowns and lifts her head, looking at the girl.
“I didn’t say anything,” she says with too much judgement for someone she considers one of her best friends and saving graces.
Hannah B. stares at her for a moment before her eyes focus on whatever’s behind April and her mouth promptly falls into an ‘O’ shape.
“Sorry, my bad. I thought you said something. Must’ve been Abigail; you two sound so similar!” Hannah B. laughs at herself and turns back to her notebook.
April purses her lips, her jaw clenching again. “No, we don’t,” she grits out.
Hannah B. frowns and lifts her head. “You don’t think so? I think it’s kind of uncanny.”
April has to excuse herself to the bathroom, practically run the entire way there, remove her woolen vest, ball it up, mash her face into it and scream as hard as she can to level out her emotions.
When she’s leaning down to pick up the rest of her things from her desk after the bell rings, April can’t help but overhear Abigail’s conversation.
“Oh, it’s such a good song! It’s by Kacey Musgraves, I cant believe you’ve never heard of it! Isn’t she a southern icon or something?”
There’s those burning red cheeks again.
April straightens and turns to face the girl before she can think better, tapping her shoulder with just a little too much force. Abigail turns to her.
“Hmm? Oh, hi April. I don’t think we’ve actually properly met-“
“How did you hear about Kacey Musgraves? I wouldn’t have thought she’d be very popular where you’re from,” April speaks in her fake but convincingly cheerful tone.
“Oh, Sterling Wesley showed her music to me the other night. Do you know Sterling? She’s so unique! I think-“
April can’t even think of a convincing way to end the conversation before she storms out of the room.
She’s bursting into the bathroom for her second round of screaming into a wad of fabric this afternoon when April full on runs into someone else, almost causing them both to tumble to the ground. They grip each other’s arms and stumble around awkwardly until they ultimately find their footing. April lets out a small sigh in relief and looks to meet her victims eyes.
Sterling fucking Wesley.
“Sorry,” Sterling says meekly, her eyes darting elsewhere before she reaches for the bathroom door. April’s quick to slide in front of it though, leaning her weight back against it.
“Does it feel like deja vu?” April raises her eyebrows expectantly, feeling her heart begin to race.
“What-”
“When were you planning on telling her that we did all of that too?” April presses, feeling utterly wild.
“April, I would never tell her about you-“
“She probably thinks it’s special,” April purses her lips for a moment, staring Sterling down. “But it’s all just reused, isn’t it?” Her tone is snarky and condescending, expression mocking.
Sterling rolls her eyes, sighing. “You don’t get to judge my relationships, April,” she huffs and attempts to reach for the door again, to which April shifts herself directly in front of the handle. The two lock eyes and a fiery eternity passes in no time at all as they stare, silently daring the other to do something.
April takes the bait, lunging forwards as her hands fly up to hold Sterling’s cheeks, their bodies becoming flush together as Sterling’s thighs are pressed back against the sink. Their lips are a mere inch apart, April’s chin turned up as she waits expectantly for Sterling to give in.
Sterling’s grip tightens on April’s hips, pulling their bodies impossibly closer as she halves the distance between them. They pant together for a moment, Sterling’s eyes never leaving April’s lips.
She takes in a shaky breath.
After the longest pause of April’s life, Sterling whispers, “I’m sorry.”
And suddenly her hands aren’t on April’s hips. Suddenly, they’re on her chest and gently pressing her to step backwards.
Sterling hasn’t apologized this profusely and repetitively since she kissed April in Ellen’s office for the first time. And god, April wishes the circumstances were similar now. But they’re not. Well, maybe they are but in all the wrong ways. Because now Sterling is the one heading for the door and April’s the one standing frozen in the middle of the room wishing she could take back everything she’d just done but knowing she never could. The whole situation creates this murky sense of the most filthy deja vu April’s ever felt swirling around in her chest.
Sterling stands in the door frame and shuts her eyes as she sighs, leaning her forehead against the wood.
“I wish...” April looks up too hopefully at her. Sterling shakes her head. “It’s just too late,” she manages.
And then she’s gone.