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It feels like someone drops a bucket of ice water on him when Hoseok walks in and proudly announces that he has a date on Saturday. Yoongi stares for a long while at his best friend, his throat slowly closing up with panic as he tries to think of something to say. Something appropriate , something that isn’t a long, panicked scream into nothingness.
“Oh. With who?”
His stomach twists painfully when Hoseok starts going on about some Namjoon he’d met, a regular at his place of work with- according to Hoseok- the most charming smile. And dimples.
“Did I mention he has dimples, hyung?”
Yoongi nods and manages a weak smile that he hopes Hoseok doesn’t read too much into. He can pretend he’s tired- it’s not exactly a lie- and he knows Hoseok will accept it as fact. Besides, it’s only a date.
It might not be anything more after that.
-
That Saturday, Yoongi spends the day trying to keep himself occupied. He hasn’t heard from Hoseok since that morning and he tells himself that it doesn’t matter, that it’s fine. Hoseok will probably get home later and fill him in on all the details and Yoongi will listen, even if it’s the last thing he wants to do.
There’s a picture of them hung up in the living room, Yoongi and Hoseok with their heads pressed together and smiling at the camera. Yoongi loves that picture and had been the one to suggest they hang it up there, but as he stares at it, he feels that same blind panic rise in his chest.
He’s been hiding his feelings for his best friend for a long time now. Not avoiding but hiding. Some days he thinks he might like Hoseok too much, so much it tugs at the seams and makes him feel like he’ll explode into a million pieces.
Other times, it’s a gentle wave rolling over him, dragging him towards something tangible. But that wave is now a tsunami and Yoongi feels washed away and out of his element. A strange man in a strange land he has no idea how to navigate.
And he can’t stop thinking about Hoseok.
He can’t .
He thinks about Hoseok at that little cafe, sitting across from someone who isn’t him, sharing a smile, a laugh while Yoongi stays at home, rotting into his desk chair. In the end, he scolds himself for worrying about it so much because he knows the entire time Hoseok is on that date, he’s not thinking about Yoongi even once.
-
It’s not a one-time thing, not a two-time thing. In fact, Namjoon’s name becomes a permanent fixture in their conversations. It’s all Hoseok can talk about. Namjoon’s smile and his dimples- always with those damn dimples- and this funny thing he did once that really made Hoseok laugh.
“So things are getting pretty serious, huh?” Yoongi ventures, his headphones off one ear, music still blasting in the other. He doesn’t want to know about any of it yet his curiosity always gets the better of him.
“He kissed me last night,” Hoseok whispers conspiratorially. “ Ah, hyung, he’s just amazing. Do you want to see a picture of him?”
Yoongi thinks he might throw up. “I have a lot of work to do, maybe another time.” He puts the earphones back into place and turns back to the computer before he can see Hoseok deflate. It’s just a picture, it would take no more than a second to look and nod his faked approval.
But he can’t because Min Yoongi is a weak man who is in love with his best friend, a love that he knows now will never be returned.
-
Three weeks later, Namjoon officially asks Hoseok to be his boyfriend. Yoongi only knows this because Hoseok bursts in excitedly and announces it loud enough for the entire complex to hear.
Yoongi somehow doesn’t melt into the floorboards but he comes pretty damn close.
Things… aren’t going well for him. That day, Yoongi is filled with grief. A strange grief that he can’t give a name to. Because Hoseok is still there, still as solid and vibrant as ever. Still Yoongi’s best friend and he knows, logically, that those things don’t have to change.
Yet it feels like a part of him has been ripped out and smashed into a pulp. He knows that nothing will ever be the same again, not for him, certainly not for Hoseok. So Yoongi does the one thing he knows how to do best: he retreats.
He locks himself in the studio for hours at a time, even when he’s not getting any work done, scrolling through his phone mindlessly. At home, he only leaves his room to go to the bathroom and grab a bite to eat in the kitchen. He has his excuses ready in case Hoseok asks but he spends most of his time at Namjoon’s place now and isn’t there to notice Yoongi’s strange behavior.
Hoseok notices eventually, though. He notices that Yoongi isn’t as fast to text him back and his responses lack emotion. He notices when they go a while without seeing each other, when before they used to see each other every day.
He notices that Yoongi has no interest in his new boyfriend, even though the rest of their friends do and they all like Namjoon very much.
When Hoseok’s birthday comes around, Yoongi doesn’t think he can hide any longer.
The invitation comes in the mail, sparkly blue and purple balloons on the front. It hurts him a little that Hoseok hadn’t personally reached out but it makes sense given that they only talk now when Hoseok stops by the apartment to pick something up. Not any of Hoseok’s fault, Yoongi’s just been really bad at communicating lately.
That’s what he tells anyone who asks, anyway.
But it’s Hoseok’s birthday and he can’t think of a good enough excuse. Knowing Namjoon will be there isn’t one of them. So Yoongi sucks it up and puts on his best button down and his nicest pair of jeans. He thinks it’s been about two weeks since he last saw Hoseok and he misses him terribly though the ache is different now, like a stone beating against his heart.
His palms are clammy when he shows up that night, his knees weak. He thinks he might collapse, especially when Taehyung opens the door and the first thing Yoongi sees is Hoseok pressed up against some man, a wide smile on his face as he laughs at one of his friend’s stupid joke.
So that’s Namjoon.
Yoongi’s afraid he’ll throw up all over the front of Taehyung’s shirt but before he can think about backing out Hoseok spots him and waves him over. They hug and it’s awkward and terrible. Yoongi wants to hold Hoseok tighter and closer; wants to hold him for a long time until all that pain inside goes away.
“Hyung,” Hoseok says when he pulls back and there’s that smile that had made Yoongi fall so hard in the first place. “I’m so glad you finally get to meet Namjoon!”
Some part of Yoongi had been hoping for the worst. He had been hoping that Namjoon would be short or ugly or have crooked teeth. He’d been hoping for some defect that would make him feel better about himself and this entire situation.
Kim Namjoon is perfect in every sense of the word and when Yoongi sees the dimples, he can kind of understand. For a while, Yoongi clings to the hope that the defects are on the inside but everyone loves the man and they have only good things to say about him. Slowly, he’s filled in on all the things he’s been missing out on, all the inside jokes, the funny moments. A few months ago, Yoongi would have been right there beside Hoseok, experiencing those same things, never missing out on those shared memories.
Now, he’s just a stranger.
Namjoon tries to make conversation with him at one point. They’re all seated at the table, playing a game of Uno that seems to go on forever.
“So, Yoongi,” he says and Yoongi focuses on his dimple so he doesn’t have to look him in the eye, “Hobi tells me you make music.”
Yoongi says, “yep,” his fingers clenching around his cards for a moment before he tells himself to relax.
“What genre? I’ve produced a few albums myself, mostly hip-hop but I’d love-”
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Yoongi announces, “you can keep playing without me.”
He’s gone for so long that by the time he gets back, the game is over. He makes sure not to give Namjoon a chance to talk to him again.
Maybe worst of all is that Hoseok tries to act like nothing's wrong and it’s just like old times. That pisses Yoongi off for some reason, because there is Hoseok, happy and in love, and here is Yoongi, angry and bitter.
He wants Hoseok to ask what’s wrong, maybe just for once. He wants Hoseok to worry, to fret. He wants Hoseok to hurt as much as he’s been hurting.
Yoongi leaves the party early, his stomach in knots. It’s ridiculous because he knows he has no right to be jealous, not like Hoseok was ever his in the first place but he is and he hates the way it clouds his mind.
On the bus home, he starts crying quietly, feeling small and pathetic for even feeling this way but unable to do anything to stop it. The tears just come and come, crests of grief crashing against him. Hoseok has another life now, a life he will live fully with Yoongi only spectating from the sidelines.
He cries all the way home, the tears blurring his vision. There’s a single text on his phone from Hoseok, asing to let him know if he gets home safe alright. Yoongi deletes it and crawls into bed.
In the morning, he’ll feel guilty about it and text Hoseok an apology but for now, he sleeps.
-
The door shuts quietly behind him. Yoongi has his headphones over his ears but isn’t playing anything, so he can hear Hoseok approaching and doesn’t jump when he taps his shoulder.
Yoongi is slow to remove his headphones, slow to turn and face Hoseok.
“What’s wrong with you, Yoongi?”
Yoongi blinks up at him, at a loss for what to say. “What do you mean?”
Hoseok’s frown deepens. “The way you treated Namjoon at the party yesterday, just… why? He just wants to get to know you.”
“Is that why you came back here?” Yoongi snaps, much harsher than he’d been intending to but the hurt in Hoseok’s eyes is satisfying. “You don’t come back here to visit someone who is supposed to be your friend but you come to defend your boyfriend over some hurt feelings?”
“Yoongi…” Hoseok’s voice is quiet; he takes a step back. That hurt is satisfying, too. “Why are things like this, why-” he takes a deep, shaky breath and Yoongi thinks he might cry but instead, he whispers, “Yoongi, do you have feelings for me?”
At first, Yoongi remains perfectly motionless, unsure of how to react. What even is the correct reaction?
He whispers back, “what makes you think that?”
“You’re not denying it.”
No, he supposes he’s not. He tries to turn away but Hoseok grips the back of his desk chair, holding him in place.
“What even is the correct answer here, Seok?”
“The correct answer,” Hoseok says, his voice wobbly, “is that no, my best friend that I’ve known my whole life doesn’t have feelings for me.”
Yoongi laughs a humorless laugh. “I guess I failed the quiz, huh?”
The way Hoseok looks at him, it makes Yoongi wish he’d get struck by lightning, then and there. It’s not disgust or anger. It’s the worst of all; pity. Hoseok pities him, pities what he’s become, pities the poor man who loves him.
“I guess I should have told you sooner,” Yoongi tries but the joke falls flat
“Oh Yoongi,” Hoseok says and there’s a pitying smile to match the look. “That wouldn’t have mattered. I’m sorry.”
-
Hoseok moves out when his lease is up, quietly and without fanfare. He and Namjoon have decided to get a place together, somewhere closer to Namjoon’s job but Yoongi doesn’t ask and tells himself he doesn’t care.
He’s not there that day, locked away in his studio, blasting music into his ears so he doesn’t have a chance to think about anything. Once it’s done, Hoseok texts to tell him that he left the key under the mat.
When Yoongi returns to the apartment, it looks exactly the same yet completely empty. Only Hoseok’s room had been cleared out, the only sign of anyone ever having lived there the marks left on the carpet. Yoongi stands in the middle of the room, trying to recall the last thing he ever said to Hoseok but comes up blank.
-
Two days after he moves out, Hoseok texts and says that there’s no reason for their friendship to end like this. Attached is an invitation to a housewarming party and his and Namjoon’s new place. Yoongi deletes the message and in the morning, no matter how guilty he feels, doesn’t text Hoseok back.
-
5 years later…
“I have a surprise for you,” Jimin says, his lips next to Yoongi’s ear.
“You know I don’t like surprises,” Yoongi says but knows he’ll go along with whatever his fiance wants. Because he loves him. Because this is what real love feels like.
With a big smile, Jimin takes his hand and drags him up from the table. Their dinner guests don’t notice them, too engrossed in conversation.
“We’ll be back before the food arrives, right?” Yoongi asks and Jimin laughs.
“We will, don’t worry,” he says and they come to a stop in front of the doors that lead to the back yard. “So, I know you’re always talking about your old best friend and how you fell out of touch-”
Yoongi’s face immediately falls at those words, his smile gone in a matter of seconds.
“And since I wanted to do something special for you tonight, I thought I would reunite you with someone who was special to you.”
With a flourish, Jimin opens the doors. The backyard is softly lit with fairy lights, the moon full and high in the sky. In the midst of all that shimmering light is the one face that has been on Yoongi’s mind for the last five years.
Hoseok smiles and steps forward. It takes Yoongi a moment to notice the man that trails behind him, tall and definitely not Namjoon. They have matching silver bands on their fingers.
“Hyung,” and his voice is just as Yoongi remembers it. Everything comes rushing back, all the memories, the bitterness in their last few months of contact. He thinks he might pass out if it weren’t for Hoseok drawing him into a tight hug. “It’s been so long.”
He smells exactly the same too, and fits against Yoongi just as well as he remembers.
“And this is my husband, Seokjin.”
The man extends his hand and Yoongi shakes it, though he can’t force a smile. It all feels slightly surreal. Husband . A long time ago he had grieved over the life Hoseok would live without him and here that life is, come to slap him in the face.
He can’t do this.
“Should we head inside for dinner?” Jimin asks them.
“We’d love to,” Hoseok says and Yoongi realizes what Jimin really has in mind for the evening.
“No,” he says, startling everyone into silence. He finds the courage to meet Hoseok’s eyes. “I think you should leave.”
“Yoongi,” Hoseok says, pleading. “I’ve really missed you.”
“Please,” Yoongi says and walks away, his fists clenched at his sides. He walks out of Jimin’s parent’s house, out to the car and speeds all the way home. He can’t think about a single thing but Hoseok, how after all these years the sight of him still makes time stand still and his heart soar. He had forgotten all about Jimin and the wedding and everything else. And then it had all come crashing right back.
Jimin calls him, everyone calls him but he isn’t in the mood to talk.
In the end, he can’t go through with the wedding. The decision comes to him quite easily and it feels like a relief when he lets Jimin go. It’s maybe the easiest thing he’s ever done and it makes him feel uneasy about himself.
Maybe he’s just ruined. Maybe for him it was always Hoseok but for Hoseok it was never him. Sometimes things worked out like that and though Yoongi tries to make sense of it all, they’re just lumps of clay molded by chaos.
-
Hoseok texts him: I wish things didn’t have to end like this.
Yoongi blocks the number and deletes the message, trying hard to move on.