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Alderheart paced along the border of ShadowClan, keeping one eye on the herb bundle sitting in the grass and the other along the edge of the trees. No matter how much time he spent in their territory, border crossings always made him nervous. Even though he couldn't pick up any cat scent, he couldn't escape the feeling of being watched from every shadow.
I wouldn't be surprised if some ShadowClan ghosts liked to lurk in the dark...
He shuddered at the thought, and nearly jumped from his fur as the ferns rustled. He stopped and raised the end of his tail in greeting. A ShadowClan cat wouldn't make noise unless they intended to announce themselves.
"I thought I smelled ThunderClan," said Cloverfoot. The gray she-cat glanced over Alderheart. They'd shared warm words while he was overseeing Puddleshine's treatment, but nonetheless his presence there caused her whiskers to knit. "Ah. Alderheart. What is it?"
Cloverfoot's words had chilled since she took up the role of deputy. He could tell that their familiarity made her more anxious to have him around. A deputy can't be seen given special treatment to other clans, medicine cats or otherwise.
"I need to talk to Puddleshine," he said.
"Is there a sickness? Some threat we should be worried about?" Cloverfoot's tail twitched. Alderheart shook his head quickly.
"No, nothing like that. He's just the only cat that had gotten over the Silverthorn sickness, and I wanted to make sure we understood everything in case it happens again."
Cloverfoot's ears flattened and she took a step towards Alderheart. She paused a moment, and he swore he could hear a faint purr of amusement that he hadn't stumbled back over himself in a nervous fit. "You can't just come and go from our camp as you please. Medicine cat or not. If there's something you need to say to Puddleshine, you can say it at the Moonpool."
"Please?" Alderheart lowered his head. "Just this once." He lifted an ear, but Cloverfoot didn't move. Then he flicked his tail towards the herb bundle waiting nearby. "I also thought Puddleshine might be running low on comfrey. We've had some good luck this year, so we've got plenty to share."
The deputy stared into Alderheart's round eyes. He was above begging, but the itch of desperation nearly burst through the thickness of his pelt. Finally, the she-cat sighed and sagged in defeat.
"Just this once," she said, turning around. "And if Tigerstar notices, you get to explain what exactly it is you're doing here. I'm not getting in trouble just so you can come snuggle up to our medicine cat."
"A-ah..." Alderheart's eyes widened and his ears burned. The perk returned to Cloverfoot's tail and she gave it a swift swish of amusement. Before he could stammer out a rebuttal, she gestured for him to follow and turned towards the camp.
It surprised him how familiar it felt to return to ShadowClan. The last time he'd wiggled through the thorn barrier, he'd come at the insistence of Tigerheart. Back then, nothing could have kept him away from Puddleshine. I would have done anything to save you, I'm sure of it.
The other ShadowClan cats knew it as well. In his short stay, he'd taken over Puddleshine's duties just long enough to win some of their trust. Scorchfur looked up from the fresh kill pile and raised a greeting. A pair of kits peered out from the nursery, eyes wide and fixed on the medicine cat as he followed Cloverfoot towards the medicine den.
"Is something the matter?" Scorchfur called over, turning a squirrel over under his paw.
"No," said Cloverfoot, briskly brushing off the tom's curiosity. "He's got herbs for Puddleshine."
The curiosity of the ShadowClan cats lingered, even as Cloverfoot did her best to evade their attention.
Alderheart mumbled around the leaf bundle in his teeth. "It's not like something terrible is happening every time there's a medicine cat around..."
"You know your being here is unusual," said Cloverfoot, "but they trust you." She paused for a single step to give him a hard stare. "Trust is hard to earn here. Harder than any clan. The fact that so many of them trust you rubs Tigerstar the wrong way. Even if you are kin." Her expression said that she'd revealed too much, so she hared him on with a bunt of her skull. "Get a move on."
The red-fluffed cat ducked under the pine branches into the medicine den, still managing to snag the top of his pelt on the needles. As he entered, the scent of Puddleshine struck him first. So much healthier than before... oh, StarClan, thank you...
He stood like a startled deer for a moment as Puddleshine looked away from the skylight, staring in disbelief. "Alderheart?" The ShadowClan called in surprise, pelting over to touch noses. He circled once, their tails curled up in friendly greeting. Twitches of his ears marked the questions rising in his thoughts as he looked at the leaf bundle, and then to Cloverfoot watching impatiently from behind.
"You would not believe who I found pacing at the border, just begging to see you..." Cloverfoot said, her voice cool but eyes bright with amusement. Alderheart stammered, trying to rebuke her, but she flicked her tail and strode away before he could reply. "Make it quick, you two."
Puddleshine tilted his head. He watched Cloverfoot go, and then nipped the herb bundle to pull it over towards his stores. He gave it a quick sniff and nodded. "Comfrey? We're running a little low, but.... no, no, thank you. The clan will be glad for it." He peered back at Alderheart. "Is it really okay for you to be away from your camp?"
Alderheart looked towards the entrance to the medicine den, finding it empty. "Jayfeather can take care of things for a little while." The tightness in his throat ebbed and he cast his gaze back towards Puddleshine. "S-sorry. I just couldn't wait that long to see you again."
Puddleshine sighed and touched his forehead to Alderheart's. "Dummy. I wouldn't try pulling that stunt again." "You don't want to see me?" Alderheart's ears wilted. He'd gone to such lengths to get himself back into ShadowClan... but maybe that wasn't what Puddleshine wanted. Was I not thinking about his feelings? Oh, no...
Puddleshine looked like he'd just stepped on a kit by accident. "No! I mean, yes. I mean, you know you can get in a lot of trouble, right? Tigerstar will chase you clear back to the lake if he catches you here." He frowned and flicked his tail. "Or decide he's going to keep you here for good. By StarClan, I can never tell what's going on in that head of his."
"I can relate..." Alderheart circled to the back of the den, making as if to examine the medicine store. Some of these herbs are right where I left them. He turned his head to find Puddleshine still watching him intently, eyes gleaming in the dark.
"Bramblestar and Tigerstar share a lot of the same blood," Alderheart continued. "You can tell."
"Is that a tea leaf I hear under your tongue?" Puddleshine sat beside him, squinting playfully.
"N-no!" Alderheart sighed. "I wouldn't gossip about my leader, even if he wasn't my dad. It's hard not to feel like he only sees me as a kit, though, and not as his medicine cat. Having Leafpool and Jayfeather in the den just makes it easier for him to brush me aside."
Puddleshine laughed, and Alderheart could remember a time when he, clinging to the edge of life, would react to his worries the same way. He thought that was the only reaction that the medicine cat could muster through his illness, and fussed over water and herbs. Now he was healthy, though, and sometimes he just laughed at whatever Alderheart said. It always made the twist in his belly loosen a little bit.
"All leaders do that, sooner or later," said Puddleshine, giving his pelt a shake. "StarClan blesses them because they have good instincts. What they do doesn't always make sense, and they don't always listen, but... the clans thrive."
"So it's not just me then..." Alderheart sighed. "Somehow, that makes me feel a lot better."
"Are you feeling ill?" Puddleshine asked, and Alderheart flinched. "Not ill. Not yet, but well on the way. You're bundled up tighter than a terrified adder." The smaller medicine cat nodded and drew him deeper into the shadows of the medicine den as he would a patient.
"I need to talk to someone," said Alderheart. "I already know what Jayfeather would say, and I can't... I mean.. it just had to be you."
Puddleshine's tail tip fluffed out and he stared at Alderheart. Then, as if sensing the cat's inner anxiety bubbling, he spoke up. "I'm happy you trust me so much, but enough padding around the brambles. What's on your mind?"
"It's..." Alderheart swallowed. This was the one cat he was supposed to be able to say anything to, so why did the words not come? Maybe I don't want to bother him. Or I've said it too many times. It's so stupid. He looked up to Puddleshine, who looked back at him without judgment. "It's nothing."
"I know you, Alderheart." Puddleshine tucked his forepaws under his chest, before adding, "it's okay."
Alderheart tried to sort through his thoughts and get at the pains that dug deep. None of the words felt right. Looking towards memories of Needletail and Velvet felt like looking straight at the sun. But he had to start somewhere. "I knew what I was getting into, becoming a medicine cat," he murmured, "but it's hard, isn't it? Not being able to take a mate. Not being able to even say so many things to so many cats."
Puddleshine nodded in understanding. Of course he'd thought about it. What medicine cat didn't? "It doesn't look much easier if you're a warrior," he said. "I've had cats ask me—cats that would surprise you!—how to treat a broken heart." He grimaced. "Even senior warriors that would put me on the fresh kill pile if I told you who."
Alderheart turned his head, trying to keep his smile up. A part of him was amused—a small part that bubbled in his head, seeming far away, eager to ask even if Puddleshine couldn't answer. The thorn in his heart dug a little deeper and he felt a familiar pelt of anxiety threatening to cover him. It was all he could do to force the words out, slowly, a little bit a time. "What do you do for them?"
"Give them a little bit of thyme, or catmint if we can spare it." Puddleshine's laughter faltered. "It makes them feel better. For a little while. I don't know if medicine cats can actually do much about that kind of injury. Sometimes we just do our best and hope they heal."
The big red tom put a paw against his chest, feeling his heart give heavy thumps underneath. He tried to connect the pulse of blood through his body to the little pool of sadness that seemed to be eating away at him from the inside. "Puddleshine... have you ever been in love?"
Puddleshine's ears turned down and he looked away, as if Alderheart had asked too personal a question. Silence lingered in the den long enough that they could hear the distant chatter of cats around the fresh kill pile. Scents and sightings from border patrols, apprentice trainings... the tone was different but Alderheart could feel the bonds in ShadowClan growing just as steadily as those back in ThunderClan.
"I haven't had much time for love, or much of anything else. The first time I remember even having time to think is when I was dying at your paws." The smaller medicine cat looked over and flicked his tail. He looked at Alderheart for a moment longer before tipping his nose down. "I think all medicine cats end up with feelings they can't act on, sooner or later."
Alderheart heaved a sigh. He looked relieved, and yet like he'd just received a death sentence. "How do you deal with it?"
"I don't really know." Puddleshine shook out his pelt. "I focus on being a medicine cat and do the best I can."
"I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It feels like I'm going to burst." Alderheart tucked his paws under his chest. "Moons go by and the feeling is still there, and I don't know what's worse. Feeling like this forever, or thinking someday I'll wake up and..." He hesitated. "Won't feel it at all."
For a moment it seemed as though Puddleshine found words as slippery a prey as he did. Then Alderheart felt the soft touch of a tail laying over his, and the tender press of the other tom against his side.
"That won't ever be the case," he said, softly. "Leafpool would talk about you sometimes, when I was in training. She said she'd never seen a cat that cared as much as you do. Maybe too much. And that it would make you a wonderful medicine cat, but that it would make things hard for you, too. I didn't really know what she meant at the time, but I'm starting to understand. And I think you need to hear it."
I guess I do. Alderheart could admit these things about himself, but to hear it coming from Puddleshine made him squirm with embarrassment. "I don't think I'm strong enough to be a medicine cat."
"Of course you are!" Puddleshine headbutted him a little firmer. "I've seen you stand up to clan leaders. You would move mountains for any cat you care about. It's time you started doing a little of that for yourself."
"But... not being able to love? Ever?"
"Medicine cats can love," said Puddleshine. "We might not be able to take mates, or have kits, but we can't do what we do without caring about our clanmates. You think I can look at Dovewing's children and not feel a little bit of love? StarClan doesn't want you to close your heart, and I don't either."
Alderheart let out a chirp of surprise as Puddleshine pushed his snout against his neck. He turned his head down to bump against the other medicine cat's.
"Focus on the love you can give, Alderheart," said Puddleshine. "And if you find yourself hurting too much, you should know that there are so many who want to look after you..."
"Puddleshine, thank you. I don't..."
"You saved my life, and you looked after my clan. Of course my loyalty will always come first, but I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, because you were here for me."
Alderheart felt a little purr tickle at his throat, and let it go. He curled up in the back of the medicine den, alone with Puddleshine and just soaked in the moment. The shadows of the pine branches showed just a hint of stars between, swaying in the wind. Suddenly, pouring his heart out about other cats didn't seem so fair. Puddleshine had gone through so much loss of his own, after what Darktail had done to ShadowClan.
Even though the ache remained, he didn't want to dump all of his feelings on Puddleshine. Maybe we'll talk about Needletail, in time. He'll be missing her too. And Violetshine is with SkyClan now... Not now. All I want to say right now is...
"I'll always be there for you, too."
The pain in Alderheart’s chest eased for a moment, and he didn’t try to figure out why. He huddled in shadow with Puddleshine, feeling a glimmer of familiarity in their kinship. After the weeks that they’d spent huddled close, wondering if their lives would end together, he figured that they would not spend time like that again. Yet here they were, in the waning twilight, listening to the wind in the pines and the faint rise and fall of each other’s breath.
In the heart of ShadowClan, Alderheart felt a sense of peace. The loneliness that squeezed him from the inside, even in the heart of his own clan, relented for a time. He let his gaze fall, but dare not let his eyes shut—there would not be enough time, this time, to enjoy his presence for more than just a few fleeting moments.
A bit of moonlight grazed over their noses, and Puddleshine stirred. Alderheart made a soft sound, reluctant but accepting that their time was at an end. They circled back to the medicine den, where Alderheart took a moment to straighten his fur.
“I don’t mean to linger on bad memories,” he said, “but if there’s anything else you can remember about the time that you were sick...”
Puddleshine shook his head. “Only that I wished that everyone could have a medicine cat as devoted as you." Alderheart shook his tail and looked down in embarrassment. “Let’s hope that we never have to treat anyone like that again.”
“Agreed,” purred Puddleshine. Despite the severity of his illness, and his otherwise gentle spirit, it seemed like there was more than enough ShadowClan resilience in him. He made it look like he brushed off his near-death experience just as easily as they would sweep fallen leaves from their dens.
“I’ll see you at the Moonpool soon,” Puddleshine promised. “Travel safely, okay?”
“I will,” replied Alderheart. They bent down, touching noses, the lingering touch of warmth between them fading into the night. The fluffy red medicine cat took a look around at the camp one last time. As nice as it was to visit, he knew he wasn’t going to get to see it like this again.
He walked briskly back towards the thorn barrier. Oakpaw flicked up his tail and called out, “bye, Alderheart!” which meant that every cat roaming about turned to watch him go. He huffed a breath, and focused on walking. As he left the camp, he could hear the faint, purrful voice of Dovewing doting over her kits.
The rules aren't there to keep you miserable during the good times, Jayfeather explained once, when he was still called Alderpaw. They're there to make sure you live long enough to see them.
Maybe there's some truth to that, Alderheart thought As he stepped over the invisible line, the familiar scents of ThunderClan rising up like a bulwark against ShadowClan, he thought back to the cats in ShadowClan. His heart gave a funny thump and he ducked onto the path home.
But maybe the clans should be able to give each other a little more...
* * *
Slatefur watched from a low branch his tail swinging like a pendulum as he watched Alderheart vanish through the brambles. “Did he get what he needed?” He asked, rolling his head over to peer down at Puddleshine.
The medicine cat bobbed his head. “I hope so."
“Cloverfoot is making sure that he actually leaves the territory,” Slatefur continued. Puddleshine nodded again, though his sibling could sense even the slightest loosening of tension in his spine. He lifted an eyebrow and purred. “So… did you tell him how you feel?”
Puddleshine puffed a breath. “I told him what he needed to know,” he said. “Alderheart is ThunderClan through and through. Blurting things out isn't really ShadowClan’s way.”
Slatefur shrugged. “You’re not fooling anyone except the fool."
Puddleshine gave his brother a cross look, but did not so much as bare his teeth. The gray tom laughed and rolled onto his back, letting his body dangle precariously over either side of the branch.
"We just want to see our little brother happy," said Slatefur.
"We're the same age, Slatefur." Puddleshine turned to look back through the bramble wall to the lake territories beyond.
Slatefur continued to gloat and giggle until he managed to knock himself out of the tree. He fell with a short yelp, landing on his paws, and then groomed him chest fur. The medicine cat hardly paid attention. He knew his clan was healthy, and that no matter what happened, he would see Alderheart again. Their paths were strange and precarious, but they would walk along them together until they were well gray in the fur.