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“Hey Boo do you think you could c’mere? There’s something I want to try” Tubbo’s voice echoes down from the loft, presumably where Tubbo’s been since they ended his stream not too long ago.
The stream had gone well, only about an hour and a half long since they’d been busy recording earlier in the day, but Ranboo considers it a success anyway. He doesn’t hesitate to move towards the loft from his spot in the kitchen.
At worst, Tubbo’s going to try some new convoluted way to shoot him with their growing arsenal of nerf guns, but Ranboo trusts the boy that he’ll be living with for the next four months; he kind of has to, now that said boy is doubling as his boyfriend.
Boyfriend, the title is still so new on his tongue. Boyfriend, boyfriend, Tubbo is his boyfriend . It’s surreal, unbelievable in the way that him being in the UK is unbelievable; he can barely wrap his head around it. That someone like Tubbo wants to be with someone like him . He’s an insecure, awkward giant who can’t even look at himself in the mirror for more than 5 minutes at a time.
But Tubbo doesn’t care about any of that because he’s Tubbo, the most caring and kind person Ranboo knows. Tubbo, who built up enough courage to confess that fateful February day while Ranboo was still drowning in his nerves. Tubbo, who destroyed his sleep schedule just so that he could talk to Ranboo more. Tubbo, who welcomed him with open arms when Ranboo finally, finally , made it to the UK. Tubbo, who walked with him along the beach, brushing their hands together before they found somewhere secluded enough that he could say fuck it; dragging Ranboo down to him in a first kiss that felt like home.
So Ranboo moves from his spot in the kitchen without any real thought behind it, humming in response to Tubbo’s question from earlier as he meanders along. Once Tubbo’s in view the other motions for him to head up, cross legged as he sits on their bed. Ranboo moves his way up the ladder. Honestly it’s not like the loft is particularly big or high off the ground, but it fits the bed they’ve been sharing, so that’s all that matters really. As he gets to the top, Tubbo pats the space right across from him, so naturally Ranboo goes to sit there, facing towards his boyfriend ( boyfriend ).
“So what’s up babe, you said you wanted to try something?” Ranboo takes pleasure in the way Tubbo’s cheeks light up pink at the pet name, it’s obvious he’s still not used to the affection that drips off of Ranboo’s tongue as he says it.
The blush however, doesn’t hide how Tubbo immediately ducks his head, fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie, and chewing on his bottom lip. He’s nervous, very clearly nervous. So Ranboo doesn’t push, this is Tubbo, he’ll spit it out, Ranboo just needs to be patient. In the meantime, he takes Tubbo’s hands in between his own, stopping them from tearing at the already fraying ends of his hoodie strings. He rubs his thumbs across the back of Tubbo’s hands; he assumes it’s soothing for the other, since his shoulders immediately relax and he leans forward just the teeniest bit more.
It’s soothing for Ranboo too, that he’s able to hold Tubbo’s hands, to reach out and comfort him in real time now that he’s not an ocean away. They stay like that for a bit, Ranboo holding Tubbo’s hands as the other collects his thoughts and breathes. When Tubbo looks up again, there’s a determined glint in his eyes that Ranboo’s grown familiar with, and he knows that Tubbo’s ready to speak. His voice isn’t hesitant; it’s confident, and kind, and so uniquely Tubbo that Ranboo couldn’t ignore him if he tried.
“I want to try something, you don’t have to say yes or agree or anything like that. In fact if you’re not comfortable with this or you think it’s stupid we can stop it here now and forget I ever brought it up okay?” Tubbo looks straight into his eyes for confirmation, and Ranboo nods, more curious than anything as Tubbo begins again.
This is where Ranboo can hear the nerves come back, in the way Tubbo’s voice softens and he looks away, “I….I know that you-you have issues with your image, and-and looks, and you don’t believe me when I say you’re gorgeous-” Ranboo freezes at this, wherever he thought the conversation was going it definitely wasn’t here.
He only realizes that he’d still been holding Tubbo’s hands, in a death grip no less, when Tubbo turns them over, curling his fingers so that Ranboo’s hands feel encompassed despite their bigger size. It’s Ranboo’s turn to take a deep breath, grounding himself with the feel of Tubbo’s hands in his own. He meets the other’s questioning look with a nod, the conversation’s already been started, no point in stopping it now.
Tubbo nods in return, preparing himself once again, “-right well, I may not understand exactly how you feel, and I know I can’t magically fix it all for you, no matter how much I want to-” at this Tubbo squeezes Ranboo’s hands lightly, like if he willed it hard enough he could get rid of Ranboo’s self-worth issues and dysmorphia all on his own.
“-and I know this is something you’re going to have to work through with real genuine professional help. And I’m proud of you, so so fucking proud Ranboo really” Tubbo smiles at him then, and if Ranboo’s answering one is a little watery, well that’s no-one's business besides the couple.
“So I know I can’t fix it, but I thought I might be able to help at least a little bit” Ranboo looks at the boy across from him, this beautiful boy whose obviously put a lot of thought into this, who wants to help because he cares about Ranboo, and Ranboo knows there’s only one way he was ever going to answer this.
So he takes a deep breath and nods, “Alright then, what’s the plan?”.
Tubbo’s smile feels just like the sun after a day filled with rain, and Ranboo knows that this is going to go well.
~~~
“Okay so this is what I was thinking-” Tubbo begins quick now that he’s got Ranboo’s approval, it makes Ranboo smile a bit, despite how he’s still battling his own set of nerves.
It’s one thing to know that your boyfriend cares about you despite all of your (very obvious) flaws; it’s an entirely other thing for your boyfriend to want to help as well. Because it’s clear that that’s what this is, Tubbo saw Ranboo struggling, and unhappy with himself, and he’s trying to come up with a solution for that, because he wants to see Ranboo happy . It’s easy to see that Ranboo’s still struggling with that simple fact,
“-basically I know I’m shit with words, I’ll say something on accident that just makes it worse, and even if I don’t make a mistake your brain will just twist it all around and won’t believe me anyway”.
Tubbo’s fake exasperation is cute, and it makes Ranboo laugh. Leave it to his boyfriend to bring levity into situations like this.
“So instead I thought that I could...uh-” Ranboo can almost feel the awkwardness rolling off of the other as Tubbo brings his shoulders up into a half shrug, “-that I could hold your face…?” Tubbo trails it off like a question as Ranboo blinks.
He’s sure Tubbo can see the blush rising to his cheeks, spreading across his face and down his neck like a wildfire.
At Ranboo’s continued silence Tubbo jumps into an explanation, “I just-just, like I know you like physical affection, and and I’m warming up to it! I’m much much more comfortable with you than anyone else, and I thought this would be like a nice thing to do cause I love your face and not in a weird way! I just think you look really nice and you never believe me anyway so I thought this could be like a positive reinforcement sort of thing?? Oh god this was horrible right I apologize I’m just just going to shut up now I am so Sorry”.
Ranboo blinks again, mostly at the onslaught of very fast rambling he just got hit by. But instead of verbally responding, he just pulls Tubbo’s hands up from where they’re still holding his.
Gently, he places Tubbo’s right hand on his cheek, soon followed by the left; Ranboo’s sure the other can still feel the remnants of his blush, where his cheeks remain uncomfortably warm and heated. Ranboo’s not sure when he closed his eyes, but he opens them as he places his own hands on top of Tubbo’s.
The other boy looks to be in shock, his eyes wide and a blush matching Ranboo’s own, “ Oh ”.
Slowly, Ranboo lets himself sink into it, the feeling of hands on his skin, it’s nice. Comforting and warm with a sense of relief that he only ever associates with Tubbo. He leans into it, and this is when he feels Tubbo move slightly, slowly rubbing his thumb across the high point of Ranboo’s right cheek. The touch of Tubbo’s hands is so light, so gentle, that Ranboo swears he’s never felt Tubbo’s love for him more clearly. It’s like he’s being surrounded by the warmth and care of the other boy, and he can feel himself sigh as he puts more weight on the hand that moved, letting Tubbo carry the weight of his head as he realizes his eyes have closed again.
That’s okay though, he’s enjoying just existing like this, with Tubbo’s hands cradling him like he’s the world’s most precious treasure. Soon Ranboo’s own hands move to clasp gently around Tubbo’s wrists, and they just sit there, together. Ranboo can hear Tubbo’s soft breaths as he caresses his face.
The action is so loving it almost makes Ranboo tear up, he’s never felt love towards his face.
At best he could be starkly indifferent, but at worst all he could feel was hatred. Hatred for every flaw he could see when he looked in the mirror, disgust at how it always seemed to morph and twist under his gaze. It’s such a stark dichotomy to what he’s used to feeling in regards to his face, that it sends his brain whirling.
He’s almost afraid to open his eyes, just in case he sees that same hatred in Tubbo’s eyes that he sees reflected in the mirror. So he doesn’t open them, he just lets himself bask in the bliss that comes with being cared for.
When he does finally work up the courage to look, he sees Tubbo, with impossibly fond eyes and a smile so full of love he really does start tearing up this time. And for each tear that falls he feels a thumb slide to catch it, such a simple action but it just leads to more falling, all while Tubbo just smiles at him, nodding his head as he wipes away Ranboo’s tears. It’s so much and so nice that Ranboo can’t help but cry. Cry for the love he’s receiving, and the love he can’t give himself, and the way it feels like so much but not enough, never enough.
Ranboo cries until he tires himself out, exhausted and emotionally drained but still sitting upright with Tubbo’s hands cupping his face. He’s basically falling asleep when Tubbo goes to move away, and a terror so potent strikes him that he can’t help but let out a strangled yelp, scrambling to latch onto Tubbo’s hands so they don’t leave him.
“Shhhh love it’s alright, it’s alright. I just need to readjust so we can lay down and go to sleep okay? I’m not going anywhere”.
Ranboo nods slowly and releases Tubbo’s hands, allowing the other to slip away to situate the pillows and comforter. The cold hits him first, right where Tubbo’s hands had laid, next is the emptiness, because suddenly Ranboo feels like that love he was being surrounded by has abandoned him. Like Tubbo's going to realize how horrid and ugly he is and never want to touch him again, and he knows it's irrational, he knows that. But it doesn't stop his hands from shaking, he's almost prepared to launch himself at the other boy, just so that he can't change his mind. And it’s at this moment, when Ranboo’s about to say Fuck it and let himself fall asleep sitting up just to keep Tubbo’s hands on his face, that the aforementioned boy reaches out.
Tubbo’s laying on his back with two pillows propping him up so that he’s still somewhat upright, he reaches a hand out and pulls Ranboo by the shoulder, positioning him so that his head lays right across the other’s chest with an ear plastered right above his heartbeat.
One of Tubbo’s hands comes to curl around the back of his head, reaching his fingers out so they can brush across his cheek, “Go to sleep love. We can do this again tomorrow. Hell, we can do this everyday until you have that same love for yourself that I have for you alright?”.
Ranboo feels that same tidal wave of love and warmth come rushing through him at Tubbo’s words, and he lets himself relax, all of his weight sagging into the other as he wraps his arms around Tubbo’s waist. That feeling of cold emptiness nowhere to be found while he's in Tubbo's arms. He lets out a small hum to agree before letting himself succumb to the exhaustion clinging to his eyes.
But it’s in those few moments, right before sleep truly claims him that he mumbles something else, and if Ranboo were a little more awake, it might never have been said. As it happens, Tubbo catches those three words, soft and gentle, and he presses a kiss onto Ranboo’s head in reply, and another, and another, until he too is claimed by sleep.