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“Normal.” Eve Polastri confidently read out loud. “To. be. expected.” She pronounced each word with a deep angst from within. She leaned her head back on the lounge and stared up at the ceiling and nibbled on the bottom of her lip. Eve had spent so many years of her life being what others expected her to be. The good daughter, the good student, the good agent, the good wife.
And now Eve suddenly found herself pushing closer to 50 years of age and realising that she had never really lived her life for herself; sure she had worked a career she damn loved and worked her arse off to climb the ranks within, but outside of that? When was the last time Eve had actually done something that was…simply Eve?
For most, days and nights begin and end with the sun rising and setting, but for Eve, her days begin and end with thoughts of Villanelle. Eve had read somewhere that it takes 90 days to break a habit, and well, day 92 was not much difference between day 1, 12, 24 or 58. Except that the Pro’s and Con’s list of chasing after Villanelle became shorter in the Con’s and longer in the Pro’s; and that feeling of confusion, the feelings of utter madness and questioning of who the hell Eve was, became super clear; She knew what she wanted. Who she wanted. And most importantly; for the first time in decades; Eve Polastri knew who she was.
Finishing the last mouthful of coffee, Eve leaned forward and placed the now empty mug on the table in front of her. She reached for her phone, entering her pin, and opening the message section. Eve sighed as she clicked into the second message from the top:
‘We walked away. But we looked back. We both looked back, Villanelle. We need to talk, pls. Meet me at…’ Eve’s eyes went down to the notification near her message that stated the message had been read at 01:04 am - two days ago. There had been no reply from Villanelle - if it had even been her phone number - but she was choosing to trust that Bear and Jamie had somehow managed to find Villanelle and this was her number. After-all, this was better than nothing. She was desperate to see Villanelle, to hear Villanelle, and dare she say, to hold Villanelle.
—
20 minutes had gone by since Eve arrived at the park. She had been sat at watching people go about their lives, analysing them, watching their every move. There were a group of people running on the path near the grass, a few parents pushing their kids in strollers, the parents that stood closer to the playground; watching as their young children played together on the equipment - It was quiet, but not too quiet. Busy, but not that busy that something drastic could happen unnoticed.
“What are we doing here, Eve?”
Eve feels Villanelle sit down next to her, she turns and looks at her; Villanelle is wearing back jeans, a fancy denim jacket, her hair is up in a bun, she has sunglasses on. “I’m glad you came.” Eve whispers. And then there’s a long pause, as both of them take in the scenario.
“It’s nice to see you.” Villanelle replies as she takes her sunglasses off; she looks different, yet the same. “But what are we doing here, Eve?” She asks as she chokes back a whisper.
“Do you ever wonder what they’re thinking? Eve takes a look at the people in front of her and nods in their direction, as Villanelle’s eyebrows knit in confusion, she continues. “I realised lately I do a lot of sitting, thinking…analysing…”
“Was that not what your job was about?” Villanelle teases.
Eve breathes a laugh. “They have no fucking idea how boring they are.” She pauses. “They go about their daily lives, in their boring 9 to 5’s going home to their partners and their kids, and doing the same bullshit day in and day out.” She folds her arms. “They probably don’t even know something like MI-6 exists, or that there really are organisations like The Twelve out there, organising murder.” She swallows. “And yet, they’re okay with this…they’re okay with their boring lives, their mundane life style, the trivia nights at the local pub, routine coffee shop every morning, roast dinner on Sunday’s.” She shook her head.
“I thought you used to like your life?” Villanelle probed.
“I don’t remember the last time I actually felt happy in that lifestyle, Villanelle.” Eve turned to the blonde. “I’ve done so much thinking lately, and I can not remember the last time I was honestly happy doing all of that bullshit. For so many years I longed to stay back at work, I was thrilled doing late shifts, I was happy heating left overs in the microwave and eating it while reading about gruesome murders and looking at death scenes"
“I just…I didn’t…want to admit it to you, I think partially because you were telling me that I was bored, that you were there and you were…god Villanelle, you were everything that I had imagined and you were telling me what I knew deep down inside and I couldn’t handle that.”
“You weren’t ready to admit it…” Villanelle nodded. She was listening to Eve, taking it all in, soaking up every word.
“I was so fucking stuck in such a boring shitty life. With a shitty house and shitty clothes and a stupid fucking chicken that used to hate me because it knew I hated it.” Eve shook her head with a smirk. Fuck that chicken. “But then you came along.”
“…And I ruined it.”
Eve crinkled her eyebrow. Where had the confident woman she had fallen for gone? What had happened to her to have brought her down so much? There was so much left to talk about. But for now, it was Eve’s turn to talk. Villanelle needed to hear this.
“You didn’t ruin it. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else.”
Villanelle scoffed in offence.
“I don’t mean it like that, Villanelle. I mean it as in…” Eve paused to gather her thoughts. She had to say this carefully, she had to get this right. “It was always going to be someone. I was always getting too close, too obsessed, too interested. But then you…you entered my life and that obsession grew and that intensity reached levels I never imagined I could reach. You were suddenly everything I wanted and more, and it scared the shit out of me. In so many different ways.”
“Because I’m a hand created killer who you were meant to find and arrest?” Villanelle watched as Eve nodded. “Because I’m a woman?”“I’ve always had a rather high interest in women.” Eve laughed. “Even though I told Bill otherwise. Truthfully, when I look back, it’s always been there.”
“Then how on earth did you end up with Moustache Man?” Villanelle scrunched up her face.
“Don’t be a dick.” Eve nudged into Villanelle. “He was a kind man.”
“Kind of boring.”
“He was kind.” Eve spoke firmly but with a smirk.
“Kind of limiting?”
“Stop it.”
“I am so much more fascinating.” It was Villanelle’s turn to smirk; it reached her eyes.
Eve shook her head while smiling, and slowly she reached down and took Villanelle’s hand in her own. Grasping it gently, holding a part of her for the first time in over 90 days. That feeling of a future returned to her.
“I don’t like who I am anymore.”
Eve looked up from their hands to Villanelle who stared at the ground, her eyes suddenly pooled with tears. “Why? What happened Villanelle?”
“I want to be more than someone who just…kills people because that’s what they trained me to do.” Villanelle paused. “I want to do more in my life than what I was doing, Eve. Listening to my…mother…” She spoke bitterly, momentarily, before swallowing it and continuing on. “The way she described me, it actually hurt…it made me so angry. Then I realised, I just get hurt and I hurt people back…And I can’t…I can’t keep doing it Eve. It takes a lot out of me.” Villanelle felt vulnerable. But god…that feeling was okay with Eve…Eve was safety. “I’m still learning how to cope with all these stupid emotions and suddenly I’m feeling everything and anything and it’s all at once and I don’t know how to exist with that.” The bitter tone returned as Villanelle spoke harshly toward herself.
“Let me help you find a way.” Eve watched as Villanelle shook her head. “We both turned around, Villanelle. I turned around first. This is my choice. We can be good for each other. Balance each other out. Figure out our monsters together.”
“It sounds like a cheesy romance movie.” Villanelle wiped her eyes as a tear dared to fall. Eve would let her fall apart and Eve, god, Eve would actually catch her.
“We can watch movies together. I keep thinking about how that’s what you’ve wanted to do since we’ve met. That you wanted a nice apartment someone to watch movies with.” Eve turned to Villanelle, not letting go of her hand. “I’m that someone, Villanelle. I’m your someone.”
“I don’t want to put your life at risk.”
“I can’t actually believe I’m going to say this to someone who’s held a gun at me several times and once shot me…but I…feel safest with you.” She paused. “I make sense with you.”
Villanelle’s bottom lip quivered. She blinked back more tears. “In my defence, you’ve held a gun to me and stabbed me.” She joked, trying to hold back more vulnerability yet again. “It scares me to be vulnerable. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m rethinking everything I’ve ever done. I’m questioning everything and everyone, even my own name.”
“Uh?”
“When I think of Oksana I think of this child who’s mother hated her so much that she was taught to numb emotions from the start and that when I did love, I loved wrong and that love wasn’t returned and so she put me in an orphanage and told everyone that I died.” The bitterness rose again, Villanelle swallowed as she stared at the ground.
“And then I think of Anna and everything I went through with her and because of her, and then when I think about it Eve, really think about it, I think about how she saw a broken fragile child who was able to manipulate people, and turned the manipulation against me. She got me to trust her, to open up to her, to feel like she was someone I had to impress with my intelligence, and then I just…fell for her…and she loved it, she played it up so much, she was the first woman I ever had sex with and that changed me, Eve. And when her husband found out and her reputation was on the line, her life, her job, she threw me away and didn’t want to know me…and I snapped.” The last part came out as a whisper.
“And then when I became Villanelle. This larger than life personality, someone who I wanted to be, someone I always felt I could be, but then the dark side was there and I turned into this killing machine because that’s all they cared about. They trained me to kill and ask no questions. And that’s all it became. Kill someone, get money, spend that money to make myself feel better, to try and make myself feel something, but I never could, and I just got…swept amongst it all. I lost everything.”
“But when you became Villanelle, you became your own person.” Eve raised her finger when Villanelle went to cut her off. “Yes there are negatives to Villanelle…pretty fucking bad ones…” She breathed a laugh; which was met with Villanelle’s own.
“But you’re more than that…the confidence you have, the command you hold when you walk into a room, it’s unmatched. You look sharp but soft, tough yet feminine, you are so much more that just someone who kills people. And I mean you are insanely intelligent to the point where I am looking forward to learning what I can from you as much as I am looking forward to what I am able to teach you.” Eve pulled Villanelle’s hand to her lips and kissed it softly. “I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know how we go forward from here, but I want it from this moment. The moment we stand up to leave this park, we leave together, we leave holding hands, we leave taking on the world together.”
“It’s not going to be easy.” Villanelle offered, as though she was giving Eve one last opportunity to leave. To take back all these beautiful words, and just leave her, leave her be this vulnerable mess, leave her be this shell of two people who she’s desperately trying to mould into one. And then she watches as Eve stands up, holding her hand tighter than before, and she pulls her upward with her.
“When has anything been easy between us?” Eve smiled as Villanelle stood in front of her. She reached out and slid a strand of hair behind the ear of her beautiful girl. “This time, Villanelle, there will be no turning around, and we walk together.”
- End -
“I'm gonna pull myself together
Gonna wait 'till it's forever
Gonna find someone who'll stay
Who's not afraid of what I'm asking for
I know love is never easy
With this scar that's gonna leave me
I would rather love and bleed than never feel love at all”Bloodstain - Wrabel.