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Castiel never understood why God cared so much about the humans, “Don’t step on that fish, Castiel.”
In his opinion humans were weak, insignificant. Their hopes and their dreams were nothing in the grand scheme of things so why did they matter? Meeting the righteous man and grabbing onto his shoulder with the cry “DEAN WINCHESTER HAS BEEN SAVED!” he didn’t care about that, it was simply his mission. The apocalypse, the end, those weren’t his dreams those were his orders. Naomi taught him that angel’s weren’t supposed to dream.
It wasn’t until Cas met humans up close and in person that he began to understand why God loved humans and related to them to much. Perhaps it was the Winchester brothers, perhaps it was the songs they would sing, the festivals full of lights and colours. Heaven had no colour, it was stark and empty, it felt like a looming shadow instead of paradise.
Castiel then wondered why Eden was so beautiful, why it was bursting with life when being in the presence of Heaven was nothing but slavery and chains. Why did God love humans so much? Why did God treat humans better than angels?
For Dean the answer was simple, “Because God’s a dickbag.” he didn’t seem to understand that God worked in complex ways. While it was frustrating Castiel still understood Dean’s perspective, he understood that Dean wouldn’t care about a God who abandoned humanity and Heaven so long ago.
Sam’s answers were always more complex and thought out. The younger of the two brothers seemed to almost come up with excuses for God at certain points. Perhaps he used religion as an escape when he was younger, Castiel could never be sure. He found himself discussing theology and the concept of other religions late at night with Sam. However, while Sam was engaging in conversation, not even he had the answers that Castiel was looking for.
Eventually the concept of God and where he was lost importance to Castiel. Soon he found the idea of protecting Heaven and saving his brothers and sisters more important than looking for a father who was never there.
Even now, when Castiel was afraid of Heaven, he would look up at the stars and wonder what his brothers and sisters were doing. Other times he would keep angel radio open for hours, listening for something, anything. He was scared that he was alone. Sam and Dean were like his family, but they didn’t understand what it was like, just like he didn’t understand what they went through.
He heard somebody’s throat clear behind him, Sam. “You know, it’s dangerous to sit in the middle of the road.” He turned around and saw the taller Winchester standing there with his hands in his pockets. “There aren’t any cars for miles.”
“You mind if I join you?” Sam asked, taking a few steps closer. Having already spent a few hours alone Castiel looked back to the distance, “I could use some company.”
Sam walked over and sat next Castiel, not breaking the silence but looking where Castiel was looking. Castiel then pointed to one of the brighter stars in the sky, “Gabriel, made that star when he was play fighting with another angel.” Castiel explained, recalling when Heaven was warm and loving, when his brothers and sisters worked in harmony. “Gabriel was definitely more... yeah, just more than all the other angels.” Sam said, not exactly knowing how to describe Gabriel.
“You ever miss them?” Sam asked after a few moments of silence. “All the time.” Castiel answered, looking at Sam with sad eyes. Sam knew a little about what that must’ve felt like, whenever he lost Dean it was always heartbreaking and he always felt lost. While he didn’t quite understand what Castiel was going through he could put himself in his shoes.
“Don’t be mistaken, I wouldn’t change anything. For all I know I wouldn’t be here with you, Jack, and Dean.” He started, “but sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if God never gave up on us.”
“I never understood why God would give people so many flaws, but get pissed off when things didn’t go his way.” Sam said, biting his tongue on the inside of his cheek, a habit he developed whenever he was in thought.
“God works in mysterious ways.” Was the only answer that Castiel had. He wanted to tell Sam about his resentment to God and Heaven, his conflicted feelings, how he even missed Lucifer from before he was corrupted. The words couldn’t come off his tongue, but they didn’t need to.
“I get it, obviously, not on the celestial wavelength you do, but your mixed feelings. Trust me I understand.” Sam said, making it known that Castiel didn’t have to pour his heart out for Sam to understand.
The two shared a look for a moment, being interrupted by Sam’s phone buzzing. ‘Dean: Hey, where are ya? I need to know if Arya becomes faceless or not.’ Sam chuckled and tucked his phone away. “His royal impatience calls. Will you be alright?” Sam asked, starting to get up.
Castiel thought about it for a moment, “Can you just stay out here for a few more minutes?” He asked, appreciating his time with Sam and not wanting him to leave just yet.
Sam sat back down next to Castiel, “Yeah, man. Of course.” He agreed, and they soon fell into a comfortable silence.
After a minute or two Castiel started talking again, telling Sam stories about his brothers and sisters. Whenever he thought that he was rambling he looked over and saw that Sam was giving him his undivided attention.
They definitely stayed out longer than a few minutes. They got so distracted they nearly got hit by a truck at one point which resulted in a fit of uncontrollable laughter as they migrated to the side of the road.
Naturally, Castiel avoided the stories about Lucifer, as he was a touchy subject for both of them. Maybe one day they’d open up about him to each other, but for now it was only good vibes.
They went back inside to find Dean asleep with his head on the table, an empty whiskey cup and a half empty bottle of bourbon beside him. Sam shook his head and tidied up the booze. “You wanna help me carry him to his room.” He said, knowing Dean would be sore in the morning otherwise.
Castiel agreed and they kinda clumsily carried Dean to his room, placing him on the bed and taking his shoes off. “Perhaps we should put him in better sleeping clothes?” Castiel suggested and Sam immediately shook his head. “Yeah, no. If you wanna, go ahead but I’m gonna leave him.” He said, leaving the room and Cas followed.
“I’m sorry you missed quality time with Dean for me.” Castiel apologized.
Sam shrugged, “Don’t be Cas, I spend almost every day with Dean. I had a better time with you then I would’ve with Dean. His TV can wait until tomorrow.” he explained, feeling no guilt spending time with Castiel.
“I too, greatly appreciated our talk.” Cas said.
Sensing the moment was getting a little awkward, Sam was quick to speak, “Well, I better hit the hay, it’s getting late.” Late was an understatement for two in the morning.
“I’ll go do some reading in the library, goodnight, Sam.”