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“Hi! My name’s Kojiro.”
Kaoru looked up from his book, finding a green-haired dirty little boy grinning down at him.
“I’m Kaoru.” He whispered back.
“Whatcha readin’?” Kojiro replied, bouncing down to take a seat next to him.
“A book.” Kaoru said bluntly, returning his eyes to the page.
“I know that!” Kojiro said with a light shove. “Let’s see…” Kojiro squinted at the words, seemingly saying them under his breath.
“Yuck, poetry.”
“Yes, it’s poetry. And it’s not yuck, it’s Emily Dickinson!” Kaoru retorted.
Kojiro giggled. “Dick-inson.”
“Oh, shut up. You’re disgusting.” Kaoru muttered, struggling to keep focus. He had reached a particularly good poem, and this random throw-up haired child had to ruin it.
“That’s not very nice, Cherry.”
“Cherry?”
“It’s your nickname now, because your hair looks like my dad’s cherry cake!”
“I hate it.”
“That’s why I’m using it, Cherry.” Kojiro said with a grin.
A few seconds passed, as Kaoru tried to get back into reading. It was recess, and while all the other children were running around, dirtying their shoes and faces, Kaoru was cooped up in the corner with a book.
“What grade are you in?” Kojiro asked, looking over his shoulder.
“5th.” Kaoru replied offhandedly, still engrossed in his book. He had reached ‘Hope is the Thing with Feathers’, a poem about hope, and how it’s like a singing bird that refuses to leave the soul, even when it rains and pours. Kaoru often tried to imagine these metaphors with himself, but to no avail. He knew the concept of hope, but with all the poems he read he could not decipher the exact feeling, and how it could be related to a bird of all things.
Kojiro pouted. “I’m only in 4th. You’re going to be in middle school next year! I’ll be stuck here for a whole year.”
“I suppose.”
“HEY!” Kojiro screamed in Kaoru’s ear.
“Oh my god! What was that about!?” Kaoru shrieked, bouncing from his seat, his ears ringing.
Kojiro gave another toothy grin. “Just wanted to see if you were listening.”
Kaoru sighed, slamming his book closed and putting it on his lap. He turned to meet Kojiro’s eyes. He was quite a bit taller, and his hair was very long, and Kojiro found himself shrinking at the sight.
“I don’t want to listen to you. I was trying to read, and you interrupted me! And I’m very glad I’ll be in middle school, so I won’t have to deal with kids like you! Now if you don’t mind, will you finally get lost?” Kaoru yelled as Kojiro shrunk down quietly.
An awkward silence followed, with Kaoru immediately regretting his outburst. The poor kid looked like he was going to cry, and blue tears seemed to form at the corners of those blood red eyes. Kojiro’s bottom lip quivered lightly, and his eyebrows furrowed. A wave of guilt came over Kaoru immediately. Kojiro was only trying to be friends, why did he have to snap like that?
“Sorry.” Kojiro whispered, slowly getting up from his seat and running down to the playground, becoming much too far for Kaoru to see where he went.
Now it was Kaoru’s turn for tears to form in his golden eyes. Someone actually seemed interested in him, and without thinking, he left that chance in ruins. The seat next to him felt awfully empty, and his shoulder too cold without the slow breathing of Kojiro over it. Those small details became so clear after the matter, even if the encounter was so small.
He almost had a friend.
Almost.
He hoped Kojiro would come back. He hoped that a green haired rascal would take a seat next to him with a grin again. He wished that a stupid nickname would be plastered on him again. He hoped that someone would find disgust in his poems, and interest in his future.
Kojiro didn’t come back.
But a bird was formed in Kaoru’s soul that day, and it never, ever, left.
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“...Time has separated us, dreams becoming foggy and clouded, but…”
“...you still are clear to me in my memories.” Kaoru finished, looking out nervously to the class.
“Thank you Kaoru! That was a wonderful spoken poem. Ainosuke, you're next to present your poem.” The teacher said from her table, happily scribbling down notes.
Kaoru breathed out in relief, quietly walking back to his desk as Ainosuke proudly delivered his poem.
He always loved English class, but spoken poems were always nerve-racking. His teacher was quite nice, and he always got the best grades in English.
8th grade was difficult, but some things made the load a little lighter.
As Kaoru sat down, he opened the book that held his poem, brushing over the words. It wasn’t his best, it was something he was comfortable presenting. It held meaning, but it wasn’t incredibly personal. He found himself bringing pen to paper once again, and spent the rest of class writing down poems.
“Kaoru!”
Kaoru blinked, the harsh voice bringing him back to reality. Ainosuke was standing in front of him as the class was filing out. School must be over, how did he manage to not hear the bell?
“I’m having a basketball game tonight, you should come watch.”
“Oh…” Kaoru paused. It’s not like he had anything better to do. He shouldn’t push Ainosuke away, it would be rude anyways.
“Okay, I’ll come.” He replied, standing up to pack his bag.
“See you there.” Ainosuke said with a wink before running to join his friends in the hallway.
Now Kaoru was alone in the classroom.
With a sigh, he picked up his book of poems and pens, stuffing them into his leather bag. The noisy basketball games were not his ideal setting, and so he never went to them. Maybe it would be a good change of pace. All he did after school was skate down the boardwalk and listen to music. It wasn’t exactly anyone’s idea of exciting, but watching the sun go down the horizon as wind blew through his hair was the only thing keeping him sane.
He quickly picked up his bag, and left the sunlit room to make his way down the rushed hallway. Finally making it to the gym, he climbed up the indoor bleachers, making his way to the very top, and getting ready for the game. The teams hadn’t come out yet, and the bleachers were quickly being filled up. Basketball games were quite a big deal in his school, though he didn’t really get the point. You didn’t gain anything from winning a game other than pride and the need for a shower.
Eventually, both the teams filled out. Kaoru wasn’t interested in either, but couldn’t help but look at the roster of his own home team. Poor Tadashi seemed to be the water boy. Kaoru knew Tadashi fairly well, since they were both the loners of their grade. He wasn’t sure why he was on the team in such a position though. A few unrecognizable faces appeared, and a few well-known ones smiled to the crowd, sending it into a frenzy. There was the famous heartthrob Ainosuke, along with Hiromi (who is best known for bullying 6th graders into giving him their lunch money).
And at the end of the line there was a tall green-haired boy. He looked to be incredibly well-built for his age, along with scarily tall. The lines and creases of his muscles appeared through his basketball outfit.
“Kojiro.” Kaoru whispered.
He quickly covered his mouth after he said it. It couldn’t be that boy from 5th grade, that was such a long time ago. But then again, it isn’t very common to see someone with natural green hair.
Kaoru squeezed his fists, remembering the small incident in elementary school with Kojiro. He was surprised he still remembered his name. He gulped, his hands starting to shake. What if Kojiro recognized him? What if it wasn’t him at all? Should he confront him? Say he’s sorry? No, it’s incredibly silly to say sorry for something forgotten in the past.
But it wasn’t forgotten at all, because his memories were still scarily clear.
The game had started at that point, and of course the home team was winning. Their basketball team was renowned, and usually Ainosuke carried the entirely game, but Kojiro shot most of the points this game from what Kaoru could tell.
To calm his nerves, Kaoru opened up his bag, shuffling through books to find himself lost in.
Kaoru took out a book with a smile. A collection of Emily Dickinson’s poems. His favorite author since he was a child.
“Hi! My names Kojiro.”
Kaoru gasped, pulling his head out of his book. There he was, standing right in front of him with a dopey grin.
“I’m Kaoru.” He replied quickly, the words leaving his mouth.
“Whatcha readin’?” Kojiro asked, taking a seat next to him. Kaoru hadn’t even noticed that they were the last two in the gym, and that the game was over, he was so focused on Kojiro. The same exact words, the same exact scenario.
Except this time, Kaoru wasn’t going to mess it up.
“Emily Dickinson.” He replied with a soft smile, brushing the hair from his face.
Kojiro snorted. “Dick-inson.”
Kaoru giggled. It’s like nothing changed. They were still kids, playing in the playground. The bleachers seemed to turn into a wooden bench, and the court almost felt like the musty outdoors.
“I missed you, Kojiro.” He whispered, not taking a moment to look down at his book, and instead staring at those ruby red eyes. Finally, they weren’t sad, they weren’t hurt, they were simply happy.
“So, I’m not the only one who remembers.” Kojiro said, raising his eyebrow.
“Y-you remember?”
Kojiro nodded. “But you were a lot ruder back then, now you're just a loser.”
“Hey!” Kaoru retorted.
“That’s the Cherry I remember!” Kojiro replied with a chuckle.
“God, you still remember that stupid nickname too?”
“How could I forget when it pisses you off so much?”
“You hardly know me, and that was years ago.” Kaoru said quietly, finally taking his eyes off of Kojiro’s, and turned to face the court beneath him.
“We could start over, you know.” Kojiro said after a moment. “I don’t know you now, but maybe I’d like to.”
“That-” Kaoru paused.
“That would be nice.”
He turned to meet Kojiro’s smiling face. It was such a nice sight, he could feel himself growing softer each second that he looked at it.
“I’ll see you around then… Cherry.” Kojiro whispered, getting up from the bleachers.
Kaoru buckled his knees together, waving him goodbye as Kojiro stepped down the stairs and out of the gym.
Kojiro came back.
And the normally quiet bird in his soul sang a little louder.
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“Are your parents even gonna allow you to do this? You’re only in 10th grade.”
“No, and that’s partially why I’m doing it.”
“You were so much nicer when you weren’t so rebellious.”
Kaoru rolled his eyes. “I know you're just scared to get the piercing, you can admit it.”
“Am not!” Kojiro said, folding his arms. “I just… don’t wanna.”
“Why not? Are you scawwed, my wittle Kojiro?” Kaoru taunted, pouting his lips.
Kojiro sighed, turning around to face the person working the shop.
“Me and my friend here would like piercings for both of us.” He said.
The worker took their names, and directed them to a room. The room had a chair, and a table full of different screws and needles. Kojiro couldn’t say anything, but he was scared out of his mind. As far as he knew, Kaoru had 4 piercings, all on his ears. But now he wanted matching lip piercings, and Kojiro was not going to let anything like that near his precious lips at any cost.
Alas, Kaoru was a very convincing person.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Kaoru gushed, taking a seat on the chair with glee.
“No it’s not!” Kojiro snapped. “I can’t believe you dragged me into this.”
“Hm, remember what I promised you if you came..?”
Kojiro sighed again, leaning his head against the chair in despair.
“You promised to buy me a new skateboard.” He mumbled.
“Ah, what type did I promise, Kojiro?” Kaoru teased.
“A brand new custom Santa Cruz Skateboard.” He recited.
“Exactly, so don’t act like you aren’t getting anything out of this.” Kaoru replied, folding his arms.
The door of the room opened, and a very tattooed woman walked in with a smile.
“My name is Yui, and I’ll be your piercer today. I have a checklist here for your medical information,” Yui handed the two a clipboard with a pen, with two different papers for each of them to fill out.
“In the meantime, I’d like to know which type of piercing you’d like.” She continued.
Kaoru smiled proudly. “We’re both getting lip piercings!”
The woman raised an eyebrow. “You seem very excited.”
Kojiro sighed as he filled out his form. “He’s been planning this for months.”
After the forms were filled, Yui quickly went into the procedure. Kaoru offered to go first, but seeing his best friend get pricked at the lip only made Kojiro more scared. Eventually, he mustered up the courage and sat on the chair. The piercing didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would, but a lingering pain was left in the bottom half of his face. Both of them got lip rings, but Kojiro didn’t think his looked as nice as Kaoru’s were.
Kojiro already thought Kaoru had nice lips, but the lip piercing really put him over the edge.
“How does it look, Kojiro?” Kaoru said excitedly, picking at his lip in the mirror.
Kojiro smiled.
“You look fantastic.” He replied, placing his arm around the others shoulder.
Kaoru really did look fantastic, and Kojiro wished he would never, ever take it off.
It was so strange, that feeling that grew as Kaoru gushed over his lip ring.
It wasn’t like anything he had felt before. He had considered it being fondness, or even love.
But after a moment he decided it wasn’t either.
For the first time, Kojiro felt hope.
For the first time, the birds in their souls sung in harmony.
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Kaoru had a constant poem in his head, new lines being strung together every moment.
And as he skated down the boardwalk with Kojiro at his side, a new poem was finding its way into his head.
It was a peculiar poem. It was one that made you feel incredibly happy, and was written in such a content way. But each time you read it over, digging into the words, it’s suddenly very sad.
This poem told the story of a very private relationship. Charming and quiet, but also painful and dangerous.
Kaoru felt his board come to a slow stop, looking over the sunset.
Kojiro brought his board to a halt as well, looking over to him.
“Kaoru? Are you okay?” He questioned.
Kaoru blinked, the soft voice bringing him back to reality. He was skateboarding on the boardwalk with his friend. Right, he had almost forgotten.
“I- um, sorry. I drifted off.” Kaoru replied.
“You’ve been doing that a lot recently.” Kojiro said quietly.
“S-sorry. It’s just finals are coming up,” He stuttered. “And college is right around the corner. Plus there’s ‘S’ and-”
“There’s more than that,” Kojiro interrupted. “I think…”
Kojiro paused, as if he were nervous. He sat down on the edge of the boardwalk, and Kaoru joined him as they watched the sunset together.
“I think someone’s hurting you.” He finally finished.
“W-what?” Kaoru blinked and turned to face him. “What made you think that?”
“Sometimes,” Kojiro hesitated for another moment. “When you pull up your sleeves, I see purple bruises on them. And they don’t look like they're from skating at all, and I know skating bruises.”
“And, sometimes before you leave a call with me, I hear screaming in the background. I just…”
Kojiro softly placed his hand on top of of Kaoru’s, looking him in the eye.
“I just want you to be okay, Kaoru.”
Kaoru felt dazed. Ainosuke was going to kill him if he told Kojiro. Could he think up an excuse? Maybe he could say the bruises were from being clumsy? No, he would never believe it. Maybe he could chalk off the screaming to be him at an event? No, it wouldn’t work either, it didn’t sound like that at all.
What was he going to do? Could he blame it on his parents? As long as Ainosuke isn’t brought up in conversation, he should be fine.
“I-um, well,” Kaoru stuttered. “My dad gets awfully mad when he comes over, I really don’t think it’s a big issue-”
“Are you sure it’s your dad, Kaoru?” Kojiro questioned.
A pause ensued, before Kojiro finally broke the silence once again.
“You’re dad never did that before, and I’ve known you long enough to know that. Not saying that… he can’t. But I’ve only ever started noticing it when you and Ainosuke got closer.” He whispered, squeezing Kaoru’s hand.
Kaoru sighed, placing his head on Kojiro’s shoulder. There was no way to convince him, the bastard knew him too well. Saying it out loud though, that was terrifying.
“But, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Kojiro added, placing his head on top of Kaoru’s.
“No, no.” Kaoru shook his head. “I suppose I have to tell you anyways.”
Kaoru took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Telling it was hard enough, but looking at Kojiro while he did it would be even harder.
“Me and Ainosuke got together a couple months ago, I would say maybe 6. Right around the time when ‘S’ was made. He was so nice in the beginning, always buying me things and talking to me. But, um…”
“Then things changed. I don’t know why honestly, but he got so much more… violent with the ways he expressed himself. Even if he was happy, or wanted me for once, he didn’t show it like he did before. I knew his intentions, so I let it slide. It didn’t hurt after a while, and he seemed to enjoy it at that point. I didn’t wanna take that away from him, Kojiro.”
Kojiro stayed silent. If it wasn’t for his head on top of Kaoru’s, he would’ve feared that Kojiro had just left as soon as he heard it.
“I love you, you know that right?”
Kaoru looked towards the ocean, quietly taking in that sentence.
‘I love you, you know that right?’
No, in fact Kaoru never realized at all.
“I-” Kaoru paused. He couldn’t say it back. He was with someone. He was taken already, wouldn’t it be like cheating?
But keeping it inside him hurt a lot more then saying it out loud this time.
A new poem formed in Kaoru’s head.
One with a million different meanings, and one that only held four words.
“I love you too.”
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“Hey, can you come over?”
“Yeah sure, is anything wrong?”
“I just miss you.”
“I’ll be there in 10.”
“Thanks.”
Kaoru ended the call, placing the phone next to him with a sigh.
Him and Ainosuke broke up a week ago.
It should’ve been years ago, it should’ve been ever since he had that talk with Kojiro on the boardwalk.
He should’ve ended everything once he told Kojiro he loved him.
But he didn’t. He didn’t have the guts to tell Ainosuke anything, and put up with him for two more years. Kojiro and him made a pact never to talk about it again, and Kojiro never showed any romantic interest in him since.
Now he was in his second year of college, studying English literature, and finally got himself separated from him.
Nothing felt sacred or safe anymore. He always had a paranoid feeling that every knock at the door was Ainosuke, that every shadow held him in it. Even when he goes to take a shower, he had the horribly cold feeling that Ainosuke was coming in with him.
Those 10 minutes were all too slow, with Kaoru mindlessly staring up at the ceiling.
But eventually, a knock came at the door. Kaoru flinched at the sound of it, and checked the peephole just to make sure it was Kojiro.
Opening the door, he found his best friend looking at him with concerned eyes.
“Thank you for coming.” He said, looking to the side.
“Anytime.” Kojiro said, coming inside and shutting the door. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.”
Kaoru couldn’t bring himself to look Kojiro in the eyes, he couldn’t even manage to get words to come out of his mouth. Nothing seemed to work, not even his own body.
Slowly, he managed to raise his arms, and bring them around Kojiro’s waist as he laid his head on his chest.
Kojiro did the same, quietly bring his arms around Kaoru’s back. The touch was subtle, but still sent shivers down Kaoru’s spine. Everything made him wary these days, but it wasn’t like he could control any of it.
“How are things going?” Kojiro whispered.
Kaoru chuckled. “They could be better.”
“You haven’t visited me in a while.”
“Lots of stuff has been happening lately.”
“I know, Kaoru,” Kojiro whispered into his ear. “I know.”
Ainosukes name was on the tip of Kaoru’s tongue. He wanted to bring it up so badly, to spill all of those gut wrenching thoughts into Kojiro’s arms. They were separate words refusing to turn themselves into poems. Kaoru wanted Kojiro to help. He wanted Kojiro to fit those mismatched words into beautiful sentences.
But he would have to tell Kojiro first.
Deep breath in,
Deep breath out.
He can do it. He can do at least this.
“Me and Ainosuke aren’t together anymore.”
It hurt to say it. It hurt to admit it. A million knives were down his throat trying to stop himself from saying it.
There were no poems, no words. Nothing, nothing at all. Everything just hurt so incredibly deeply.
“What happened?” Kojiro asked.
“We got into another fight,” Kaoru started explaining. “And he hit me,”
“Even though he promised not to.”
Deep breath in,
Deep breath out.
He has to finish explaining. Kojiro needs to know eventually.
“And, um, I told him I was breaking up with him. I got him out of the apartment and threw away his stuff.” He finished with a sigh.
Kojiro brought his hand up to Kaoru’s hair, running his fingers through the messy strands.
Knives were being removed, one by one, with each word. Each sentence got easier to say for Kaoru. Slowly, hurt turned to numbness. He was indecisive on which one was better, but the change was accepted.
“When did this all happen?”
“A week ago.”
“Oh, Kaoru,” Kojiro murmured. “I wish you told me earlier.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I’m glad you told me in the first place.”
Kaoru looked to the side. “Do you… want to go sit down? We’ve been standing for a while.”
“Oh,” Kojiro said, noticing the position they both were in. “Um, sure.”
Kaoru raised his head from Kojiro’s chest. It felt so heavy now that it wasn’t leaned against him.
Going over to Kaoru’s couch, the both of them sat down. Kojiro was busy trying to figure out what to say. He wasn’t the best when it came to comforting someone, but this was such a serious issue.
“Does it still hurt?” He asked.
“What hurts?”
“From where he hit you.”
“No, not anymore.”
Kojiro sighed. “I’m glad.”
Kojiro placed his hand atop Kaoru’s, slowly bringing his thumb to rub the outside of his hand.
“Ever since you went off for college I’ve been worrying about you. You wouldn’t see me every day like before, and with the situation you were in…”
“...I’m just glad you’re okay. It means the world, Kaoru.” He finished, looking over to the other.
Kaoru couldn’t bring himself to look into Kojiro’s eyes, so he just found himself staring at the floor.
“Kaoru?” Kojiro asked again, leaning over to take a look at his face. Kaoru didn’t want to be seen in a time like this, tears were streaking down his face, his eyes stricken with such horror and embarrassment.
Slowly, Kojiro brought his chin up, forcing him to look him in the eyes.
And despite Kojiro’s nervousness, and Kaoru’s crying, they kissed.
Finally, a single poem traced Kaoru’s mind as he brought his lips in. Was it a happy poem? He couldn’t tell. In fact, he wasn’t sure what it meant at all. It was odd how it formed in his own head, yet he couldn’t decipher.
As the kiss deepened, Kojiro brought his hand up to Kaoru’s shoulder. Kaoru couldn’t find anything to do with his hands, so he simply kept them to his sides. Ainosuke had kissed him plenty of times, but kissing Kojiro felt like doing it for the first time. It felt exciting and scary and embarrassing and all too perfect.
As the both of them let go, Kaoru was still crying. But now he had a small grin plastered on his pale face.
He finally understood the poem.
It was an old one, covered in dust as he examined it coming back to life. He used to know the meaning, but over the years he had forgotten.
It was three words.
So much meaning.
It was absolutely terrifying.
But yet, it was breathlessly exciting.
“Kojiro..”
“..I love you."
And as the poem trickled out of Kaoru’s mouth, another piece forgotten decided to come alive again.
The little bird in his soul woke up chirping, slowly shaking the dust off and singing a lovely harmony.
After all, hope is the thing with feathers.
And Kaoru finally managed to keep his.
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