Work Text:
This smell clings to each droplet of water and sticks to his skin and sweat.
He’s horrified of what it might be, this thing he’s breathing in.
It’s so fucking sickening.
The bile that rises is acidic and it burns his throat. His head spins and his eyes blur.
He feels like he can’t breathe but he breathes.
In and out, he breathes that humid air in.
The ocean in front of him was red as blood.
A pair of big eyes on a porcelain face stares right back at him as he breathes.
It’s a little jarring sometimes, to wake up to birds singing and chirping so innocently. Shinji takes in a deep breath of fresh air. Their melodies are lively and dreamy, too perfect for the real world.
The sunlight is muted by the light cream-colored curtains, thus a warm gentle glow suffuses throughout the room. It casts light across Shinji's face, the back of his eyelids a dark orange-red until he opens them, his sight blurred by sleepiness and all he sees is light. Another deep breath: and there’s a second or two that goes by where Shinji feels like a white piece of clay, innocent and unsullied by life. An acre of land, uninhabited and untouched. Like he can start anew. Then he wakes up a bit more and he feels like Shinji (a vase that has been cracked, shattered, broken, and thrown, and fixed time and time again) and like any other person on a Saturday, he closes his eyes and turns over on his side to sleep some more under the warm sun. His fresh white sheets cool against his skin.
A minute goes by and he feels a set of heavy paws press down his ribcage. Thin claws digging into his white shirt. He gently pushes at the large furry body with a small groan, trying to get it off of him. The cat is practically unmovable, not responding to his nudges and pushes.
With another groan, Shinji rolls onto his back, and finally, the cat is off until it jumps onto his stomach instead, in an act of sadism. “Ack!" He glares weakly at the cat on top of him, who innocently licked his white paw. The cat was a scrappy-looking thing, with a scar running along his left eye and a nicked ear. Old but acted as if he were a kitten, staring down at Shinji with big golden eyes.
"Okay. Okay, off, off, I’ll get your food.” Shinji sits up, pushing the sheets off his body, and scoops the big furry mess into his arms, swinging his legs off the bed and steps onto the cold wooden floor. He kicks away scattered notebooks he left on the floor the night before, pushing his sandals forward with his toes, too tired to care about the mess on his floor. He slides his feet into his sandals, adjusting them with his heel as he walks out of his bedroom. His chin resting on top of the cat's fuzzy head, humming quietly to himself as he walks through the short hallway that leads to the living room. The bamboo shades were pulled over the glass sliding doors, thin amounts of sunlight spilled through the gaps but not enough to bring the room and plants to life.
Making a mental note to water the plants, he walked to the kitchen area. It was filled with light, the blue sky visible through the window over the sink. Three potted bamboos sit under the window, their tiny leaves vibrant green and healthy. He set down the cat, going through the cupboard, and placed down a white bowl with the name 'Melon' etched in orange. He pulled out the plastic container filled with cat food and poured it into the bowl. The cat immediately begins to dig in, bringing a small smile to Shinji's face. He grabbed the blue watering can he left by the sink and filled it with water.
He stares at the rising water with a blank face, shutting the tap off before it overflows.
Shinji went back to the living room, yawning quietly, his grip around the watering can loose, the handle digging into the calluses of his fingers. He set the can down on the kotatsu. He made his way to the glass sliding doors, pulling the bamboo shade up all the way up, sunlight filling the room in a warm and gleeful glow. He lived in an apartment complex that stood on the outskirts of the growing city. From this angle, he could see rusted old cranes holding up large pieces of metal. The few city buildings stark against the bright blue of the sky.
It’s taken an entire decade for Japan to rebuild itself. No, scratch that. It’s taken an entire decade to pave its foundation and they’re just getting started on its skeleton.
In fifty years, Shinji thinks jokingly (maybe a little bit wistfully) to himself, he’ll probably gather his grandchildren close and tell them a story of how he saw the end of the world and the beginning of it, destroyed then pieced back together by humanity. The multifaceted ugliness and beauty of humanity, its selflessness, selfishness, and its loneliness.
Then his children will pat his shoulder and fuss over him, thinking and worrying over the health of his old brain. Then he’ll be happy (then in many many more years ahead of that, on his deathbed, he'll confess his many sins before he goes. How he tried his entire life to repent for those sins).
(The blood in his hands. The guilt that sits heavily on his shoulders. The many people hurt and used.)
Shinji laughs to himself, sighing as he shakes his head and picks up his watering can. It’s ridiculous to think of having children and grandchildren when he can’t really see himself marrying someone.
There was a point in his life when he thought that he could have made it work with Asuka. Thinking about it now sounds quite ridiculous but to the younger and stupider Shinji, it didn’t. It made perfect sense. Because the only time he felt alive was with her, and she was the only one left who could understand him if only a little. Even when it hurt the most, opened old wounds, and made new ones, their prickly shells tearing into the soft parts of the other's flesh. They might have healed and they might have rebuilt themselves, but they healed and built themselves in all the wrong ways. They healed in ways that hurt when they had to tear apart from each other.
It’s been years since they last talked face to face, a part of him still misses her.
Shinji inspected the crown-shaped leaves of his ivies that hung from white porcelain pots on a wire. They were mostly a rich green with pale veins. Getting on the tips of his toes, he poured water into the post before moving onto the next plant. He repeats this until he finishes watering all of his plants. There were quite a lot of them, filling empty spaces and replacing what could have been photos.
The furniture was sparse. A single kotatsu in the middle, a modest entertainment center with a flatscreen on top-placed against the north-facing wall, avoiding the sunlight spilling from the windows. The divan was small and placed opposite the entertainment center, overflowing with throw pillows.
An upright piano is placed against the wall that splits the kitchen and living room, with a flowering hoya in a white pot on top. The surface of the piano is a glossy brown so dark it’s nearly black until the light hits it. The keys are ivory and well-worn.
Finishing the task, Shinji sets the watering can down next to the bookcase with a hum.
Shinji makes his way to the bathroom, it was a small space, enough for a showerhead, sink, and toilet. There were no windows, making the place feel quite dark and small. Shinji flicks the lights on, grabbing a toothbrush and smearing toothpaste over the bristles, and begins to brush his teeth. As he brushes his teeth, Shinji reaches for the cabinet with his free hand, opening and immediately takes out the blue pill case sitting idly next to his mouthwash and shaving kit (it was a gag gift from one of his university friends— he could never grow a beard). He sets it down, next to the glass he keeps in the bathroom. He spits out the toothpaste, before rinsing his mouth. He opens the compartment for Saturday and takes pills within it, holding them in his mouth as he fills the cup with water.
Shinji rolls up the sleeves of his eggshell blue button-down, with the sun glaring down at him, a few beads of sweat already formed on his temple and neck. The feel of sunscreen on his skin is thick and slightly uncomfortable but he was happy to remember to put some on. He slips on a pair of sunglasses, huffing as he reaches for the hose. He turns on the faucet and begins to water the garden.
The devastating effects of climate change never improved after that, in fact, they might have gotten worse. Yet, as with the rest of humanity, they’re working with what they got. Almost everyone, adapting and improving as much as they could (but it feels so hopeless at times, sometimes it terrifies him how easily he wants to give up, how easily he'll throw everything away).
“Ikari-kun.”
Shinji perks up at the sound of his name, spotting the small old lady who called him with a smile. Her round wrinkly face wrapped in a purple headscarf, a cart in her hands. The wheels are a little bit wobbly and they squeak as she inches closer. He waves at her, “Miyagi-san, how are you?” He greets her with a polite smile.
“I’m doing well. I can see that you’re doing well too, your face looks much brighter. Someone on your mind?” She asks teasingly, leaving the cart to begin to pick and prod at melons.
“Haha, to be honest, no,” Shinji huffs out with a chuckle, his cheeks a bit red from the heat of the sun, “it must be the sunscreen on my face that you’re seeing.” He pauses, putting the hose down after turning off the faucet. “Ah, let me help you.”
Shinji carefully selects two ripe melons, placing them in her cart.
“Thank you, you know I’m quite surprised you haven’t got a girlfriend,” Miyagi says good-naturedly. “I know many mothers who’ll be happy to have you as a son-in-law.”
Shinji feels his face heat up, even more, his smile turning into something bashful as he shakes his head. “I can’t, really. I’m so busy, I don’t think I’ll make someone happy with the work hours I’ve got.”
They continue back and forth until Miyagi has to leave, the sun becoming unbearably hot. Shinji waves her goodbye. Then goes back to finishing watering the rest of the melons, a gentle smile playing on his lips. It took a while to begin not fearing conversations with people, just people in general really, not just strangers. It took an even longer time to learn what proper communication was and to put that into practice is a feat that Shinji must continuously perform. When it goes bad and the conversation goes south and it makes him feel awful, his day is completely ruined. Yet when it goes okay, or perhaps great, Shinji can't deny the pleasant feeling that comes with it. The rewarding feeling of connecting with another human is unlike any other.
Shinji hums quietly to himself. The water spluttering from the hose sparkled in the light.
Shinji wasn’t alone after Asuka left. He had friends, only a handful of them, of which didn't last very long. They weren't very good but at least he wasn't alone. Even after all of that, he was terrified of loneliness and it took a while to learn to not be so scared of it. It's still a work in progress, but he's in a better company now and is four years into therapy.
After Asuka left and his 'friends' came and went, Shinji definitely wasn't alone in the physical sense. ‘Shinji dated a lot’ would be the cleaner way of saying it. The honest truth is a bit more scandalous and Shinji could never speak of it again. There is a shame that now comes with it, shame he can't exactly scrub away so easily. Shinji knows he shouldn't feel that way, so disgusted and ashamed, regretful even.
Maybe it would've been fine if it was only a few times, but his body count was definitely more than just the five fingers on his hand. A good majority of them were distant strangers with syrupy words that spoke empty promises.
It was crude and it was messy. But did it help? Shinji wouldn’t be able to give a short answer.
He’ll remember vividly. How he would lay on a bed, sweaty and tired, the high crashing down into an all-time low and he’ll momentarily think of Misato sometimes, then laugh, or cry, or just roll on his side and curl up; it'll depend on his feelings that night, day, or afternoon.
Eventually, he stopped.
(If only he could have seen him then).
(What would he have thought?) (Maybe he would’ve found it so fascinatingly human)
Shinji, freshly showered, with a bit of cologne on his collar and wrist, wearing a simple yet casual outfit, sitting on a bar stool with his group of friends. Toji looks quite sharp, in a leather jacket and fitted jeans, contrasting against Hikari’s pink sundress and white cardigan. They made quite the adorable pair. They suit each other. Kensuke wears a bomber jacket and ripped jeans, splattered with paint. He is already holding a beer in hand, despite the bitter expression on his face and Shinji wonders briefly if he broke up with his girlfriend of two months.
They talked a bit (mostly listening to Kensuke whining about his broken heart and adding little bits of encouragement here and there, before thankfully moving onto Hikari’s exciting project) and then drank a little bit more. Shinji laughs and smiles with them, not adding much into the conversation but was just happy to listen to them go on about their growing and changing lives. Slowly but surely, they’re also on their way to rebuilding themselves. In the back of his mind, Shinji worries if he’s being left behind.
“Shinji~ I see someone eyein’ you, on your six.” Kensuke slurs as he wiggles his eyebrows up at the other, who simply scoffs then smiles.
“Maybe you’re just hallucinating them, you’re already so drunk.” Shinji snatches the half-empty beer from Kensuke’s hands. He takes a swig before sticking his tongue out, making a noise of displeasure. ‘What a shitty brand.’
“I knew you were gonna do that.” Kensuke snatches the beer away clumsily.
Hikari giggles at them, taking a sip from her fruity drink. “He isn’t hallucinating Shinji-kun. You should talk to them, get back in the pool. There’s plenty of fish left in the sea.”
Shinji rubs the back of his neck, then carefully glances at the stranger that everyone has been talking about. He swallows thickly before quickly looking away, almost too quickly. His cheeks flushed red but his brows were furrowed.
“I don’t think I’m quite ready for it.”
"You've said that for years Shinji," Kensuke pipes up, "you aren't getting any younger."
Shinji sighs, his smile straining. "The world isn't going to end if I wait a bit longer... anyway it really isn't a good time, have you seen my work schedule?"
“Yeah, under your eyes.” Toji finally speaks up. “Company has you working on something big?” A diversion in the topic.
Shinji thanks Toji silently, his lips twisting into a grateful smile. “Yeah, you can say that. I'm working with a team of scientists to survey the environment and climate, all around the world too. It’s kind of cool.”
“An army of nerds,” Toji mutters as he takes a swig of his beer.
“Exactly. An army of nerds.”
They continue and then decide to ditch the bar for the club. Kensuke is all too happy to get his own little party started. They begin to gather their things as Kensuke is already swinging his hips side to side.
Shinji laughs at him, then turns to the pair. “ Guys, I’m sorry, I’m actually going to call it an early night. Is that fine?”
“Of course. Do you need a ride?” Hikari asks sweetly.
“I’ll just call a taxi. Text me how it goes.”
Shinji steps out of the taxi and pays the driver. He takes a sip from the water bottle he grabbed along the way as he takes out his phone, tapping on the notification on the messaging app. He scrolled through the pictures and comments under them, smiling softly as he walked to his apartment. He takes out his keys and unlocked the door, before walking in and shutting the door behind him. He sighs softly, tapping out a quick response and telling them he got home safe. Melon meows quietly and rubs against his leg, his tail whisking side to side.
Shinji laughs and kneels down, stroking the cat’s fur. He doesn’t bother turning the lights on and takes off his shoes clumsily. He makes his way to the balcony, undoing three buttons on his shirt while on the way.
With the sundown and the moon high in the sky, the breeze felt soothing as it caressed his bare arms. The humidity is only slight discomfort. The scenery in front of him consisted of growing trees and gardens, a couple of buildings scattered here and there. A Prussian blue sky hovering above them, stars twinkling delicately and bright against the dark canvas. It was simple but it was beautiful, in a way that wasn't breathtaking, just comforting. Shinji has had a lifetime's worth of breathtaking, terrifying beauty, and he has no desire for any more.
After getting ready to go to bed, Shinji sits at the corner of said bed, his legs crossed as he flips through a couple of files. Yet he doesn't pay attention to any of the details. Just simply glosses over them without much of a care in the world. Until his eyes begin to grow heavier and tired. He gathers the files into his arms and stuffs them under his bed. He lies back onto the pillows, pulling the covers over him.
He feels Melon jump onto the bed, curling beside his feet. He smiles softly as he glances down to spot the furry creature. Shinji relaxes and closes his eyes. It was a good day. He slowly rolls over on his side, hugging onto his pillow.
He breathes out deeply, going through the events of the day in his head backward. The night out at the bar. The hot day and the garden. The quick lunch. The uneventful morning.
Going to sleep used to be so hard. Each day that goes by, for the most part, makes it a little bit easier now but it used to be so hard. It was draining and terrifying. Each night he would hope that he would have a dreamless sleep. Only to wake up just a few hours later, screaming. It’s been years since then. It’s a bit sad, Shinji thinks, that he feels much older than he should. None of getting to this point has ever been easy. It still isn’t sometimes, living and facing the world as he should, putting on a brave face and trudging through life as if it were some kind of battlefield. Some kind of monster to fight against.
Even though it isn’t (a battlefield or monster), it hasn’t been for the longest.
The air that he breathes is just air and the ocean has long turned blue. The forest regrows after a wildfire and maybe, just maybe, Shinji will recover too.