Chapter Text
***
There are many things Jimin isn’t currently sure about (how to do laundry, how to talk to other people without getting breathless, whether he is good enough for a double major), even more things he does not understand at all (how to survive in this big city with no supervision, how not to miss home, how to live up to everyone else’s expectations of what he’s supposed to achieve here).
The thing Jimin does know – he’s equally terrified and excited to figure it all out.
***
It’s a cold day in February when they meet for the first time.
Later, Seokjin will spot him at the MT taking place in a rented house a couple kilometers away from the city, and say, “Oh, Jimin-ah! Come say hello to my cousin, Taehyung.”
Later, the tall boy – Taehyung – standing next to Seokjin in a small kitchen will smile big big big and drink Sprite out of his plastic cup like it’s a shot of vodka.
Later, Jimin will smile in return, will lick his lips unconsciously and say, “Actually, we’ve already met.”
Right now, Jimin is running late to orientation.
He’s never been one for punctuality but this time it really isn’t his fault – the digital lock on the door of his apartment is old and practically unusable and even if the code given by the landlord works once, there’s no guarantee it will still work next time, especially if the next time happens to be when Jimin really needs to be somewhere on time. And that’s not even the only obstacle between Jimin and his degree today – even though it is the main culprit – because after the door lock debacle he is late for the bus, and then it starts snowing – this awful wet kind of snow that is basically cold rain – when he’s attempting to get to campus on foot, and of course he is not wearing a hat.
Which is how Jimin finds himself entering the auditorium 15 minutes late and soaked to the bone. Three days in Seoul and he’s already reduced to such a pitiful state.
What would his mother say?
A wave of homesickness washes over him, suffocating and blinding.
(You never really think you’d miss your parents until you actually start missing them.)
Thankfully, the presentation hasn’t started yet. Jimin quickly scans through the room and chooses an empty seat in the third row – not close enough to attract unnecessary attention but not too much in the back to have trouble catching the speaker’s words.
It's after everyone's gone quiet and the Orientation Leader has started the talk on the clubs at the university, that a boy sneaks in. He scans through the auditorium the way Jimin has done just a few minutes ago, and Jimin witnesses the exact moment the boy's eyes narrow in on the seat next to Jimin.
In just a few strides, the boy closes the distance and sits down, leaving just a little space between himself and Jimin. Then the boy looks at the hot chocolate in his own hands, looks at Jimin, then at the hot chocolate again. Hesitates for just a moment before pushing the paper cup next to Jimin.
“You look cold,” he explains.
And Jimin— kind of honestly wants to cry.
It’s not that he cries often, but the past few days have been lonely and stressful and disorienting, and now this stranger is being nice to him for no reason whatsoever?
It’s the contrast between these two situations that makes Jimin breathe out shakily.
“Are you sure?” he whispers back.
“Yeah, I don’t even want it that much. Just thought I would look cool with a beverage in my hand.”
Jimin giggles, promptly covers his mouth with his hand when the OL looks at him, not really sternly, but definitely like someone who’d rather be home in bed and not telling a bunch of yesterday’s high schoolers about how to apply for a student ID.
“Thank you, then,” Jimin whispers as quietly as possible and finally takes the cup into his hands.
Not really surprisingly, it’s still warm.
“Ah, really, thank you so much. I owe you now.”
The boy doesn’t reply, just gives a tiny nod, and directs his attention to the speaker, taking notes with a pink pen.
Jimin allows himself just a moment to stare.
***
And here they are, later, looking at each other in the middle of someone’s kitchen. Seokjin, being the busy organizer he is, is off having animated conversations with other people and making sure no one is breaking anything.
The room belongs to them only, even if the moment probably won’t last long. There are a lot of freshmen at this retreat, and the kitchen is most likely one of the places where alcohol is stored.
Still, Jimin feels nervous. Out of breath.
“What a funny coincidence,” he says, just to have something to say.
“What is?” Taehyung asks, tilting his head.
“That you are Seokjin-hyung’s cousin,” explains Jimin, adding a smile to the last syllable. It probably all comes out awkward.
Taehyung just keeps looking at him for a moment, as though he is studying an exhibit in a museum. Do you like what you see, Jimin almost asks.
“So you and hyung are friends?” Taehyung finally inquires after shifting his gaze somewhere behind Jimin.
“Ah, sort of?” Jimin answers. Well, their parents are friends, that’s for sure. As for Jimin and Seokjin…
Thankfully, Taehyung doesn’t seem like he’s waiting for a lengthy explanation of Seokjin and Jimin’s shared past.
“Can I offer you a drink for that hot cocoa you bought me a few days ago?”
“You don’t have to—” Jimin opens his mouth to protest, but Taehyung continues, “But, if you insist, Coke, please. I don’t really drink.”
“Are you sure you are a university student?” Jimin asks and instantly backtracks. That’s not a very nice thing to say, Jimin-ah, he scolds himself mentally. “I’m just joking. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with not drinking.”
Taehyung just smiles in reply. Jimin is slightly concerned about how good that smile makes him feel.
They are supposed to be playing games with others, getting to know new people here – that's the purpose of this event, right?
But it's so loud and everyone is laughing at jokes Jimin does not find funny. Just a couple rounds of Never Have I Ever make his skin crawl with sticky anxiety. Somehow Taehyung sees right through him, and, even though the boy seems totally content chatting with strangers despite not drinking at all, he looks at Jimin from across the room and gestures in the direction of the door.
Silently, Taehyung leads him up up up the stairs until they are in some kind of attic and this time it really is empty with no prospect of people barging in at any moment.
But somehow, even in this attic, there’s alcohol so, hands still a little shaky, Jimin takes a bottle of soju. Offers Taehyung another Coke.
“Thanks,” Taehyung says, taking the bottle. With a comically solemn tone, he continues, “I propose a toast.”
“Oh? What would it be, Taehyung-ssi?” Jimin asks, raising one eyebrow. The drink feels cold in his hand, but the room is too warm. There’s probably a heater in here somewhere.
With the same solemnity, Taehyung declared, “To the awesome time we are going to have in the next 4 years.”
“Cheers to that!” Jimin easily agrees, failing to hold in his giggles, especially when his glass bottle meets Taehyung’s plastic one, and some of the soju spills on the floor.
Somehow, Jimin can still perfectly imagine the sound of clinking glasses.
He drinks and the alcohol burns in his throat a little but in a nice way, the way wax does when you pour in onto your palm right after blowing out the candle.
Jimin almost feels jealous of Taehyung’s attitude. How he wishes to be as confident in his future. (Still, maybe if the rest of his student years go like today, it won’t be that scary.)
An hour passes, or maybe three – time stretches and wraps its band around their stooping figures once, twice, keeps them trapped in the vague concept of security. During that time Jimin learns that Taehyung:
- is an art and culture major;
- is the same age as him;
- keeps looking at Jimin with something in his eyes Jimin doesn’t really understand.
“Jimin-ah, do you know that you have really long eyelashes?” Taehyung asks, leaning over to presumably look closer.
“I do?”
“You do.”
And then – who knows how it happens, really – then one of them tips over, closes the distance between their breaths and a moment later— they are kissing, Taehyung’s tongue sliding past Jimin’s teeth with no resistance.
It’s mostly quiet, safe for the music playing softly from the speaker in the room below. Jimin isn’t drunk but he’s definitely pleasantly tipsy. The edges of consequences are all fuzzy, the mouth on his mouth unfamiliar but welcome. Warm.
“Seoul isn’t so bad after all,” Jimin murmurs some time later when Taehyung gets up from the floor to stretch his legs.
“Mm?” Taehyung lets out, turning around to look at the boy.
There’s only one window here, and the lights from outside pour through it on Taehyung’s face in warm shades of pink and ocher. Jimin looks and looks and can’t find it in himself to suppress whatever just came into existence somewhere behind his ribs. His mouth feels swollen.
“Ah, it’s nothing.”
There are many things he isn’t sure about (how to get home tomorrow morning with minimum awkward interactions, why his cheeks suddenly feel so hot, how much he’s gonna tell his mother about this retreat), even more things he does not understand at all (whether Seoul will ever feel like home, how to stop running away from problems, what his own sexuality is).
One thing Jimin has absolutely no doubts about, though – he likes kissing Taehyung.
Already lying on one of the empty futons in the room full of drunk snoring boys, Jimin touches his lips. Tries to keep the smile at bay.
(Faintly, timidly, he takes a moment to acknowledge that Taehyung was his first kiss.)
***
There’s a reason Jimin doesn’t really know how to describe his relationship with Seokjin.
At first, they were just two kids with a clumsy age gap between them that felt like a wide ocean to a 10-year-old Jimin, being forced to interact while the grown-ups drank and laughed at jokes that didn’t quite make sense. There were many awkward silences and even more failed attempts at trying to find a topic that would be interesting for them both.
And then, somehow, the awkward silences turned meaningful and the inability to find a common ground – into a reason to broaden their horizons. In the midst of it all, maybe predictably, Jimin caught feelings for Seokjin in that painfully intense way teenagers tend to do. He proceeded to avoid the older boy for several months until Seokjin confronted him about it so nicely and with so much concern that Jimin just—
Kissed him.
Or tried to, anyway. Because Seokjin stopped him, gently and with a joke on the tip of his tongue as always, ready to defuse the tension. Because Seokjin didn’t really feel the same way. (Because Seokjin didn’t feel the same way at all.)
After that Jimin went back to avoidance and Seokjin went to university.
They haven’t really seen each other since then, messaging each other on KakaoTalk once every few months at best – just enough to keep up the illusion that they are staying in touch.
Either way, Jimin doesn’t harbor any ill feelings, nor does he still want to kiss Seokjin. It’s all history now. And even if the awkwardness of it all still lingers, he is grateful to see the boy again – a reminder of home so far away from it. (Well, not literally, it’s just 3 hours by train, but it feels far away, unattainable, unreachable—)
***
Now that he thinks of it, Jimin does recall Seokjin mentioning his cousin several times. Just small tidbits here and there.
Oh, my cousin also takes vocal lessons!
I haven’t watched this movie before, but my cousin says it’s good.
I don’t know how people live without coffee. Actually, my cousin can’t drink it at all.
Jimin thinks of each of these moments and decides that he likes the idea of knowing some of Taehyung before getting to know him wholly.
***
They do not keep in touch at all. In fact, Jimin doesn’t even add Taehyung on KaTalk because Taehyung never offers and Jimin is too much of a coward to ask for it himself.
And then Monday comes about and his first semester of university starts in full swing, every professor being absolutely sure that their subject is not only the most important, but also the only one worth focusing on. Jimin gets buried in assignments before he even manages to figure out where the library is (he really should have paid more attention during orientation).
The only nice thing so far about his first week has been meeting Jung Hoseok – his sunbae from the dance department and the sunniest person Jimin’s ever met. His laughs are full-bodied and his moves are boneless. Jimin watches him practise once and instantly decides that this person is worth a whole city of applause.
Unfortunately, Jimin is not able to give all his attention to dance the way he so desperately wants (choose something practical, he was told by his parents, and so biochemistry entered the picture) but nevertheless, it is still one of his two majors and he’s gonna succeed in both or die trying. And Hoseok is very nice (and just a little bit terrifying with his evaluating gaze) about staying after class and helping him get the hang of what they are doing this semester. You don’t even need my help, Jimin-ah, I’m just bored, he says after Jimin thanks him profusely.
Jung Hoseok is also how Jimin ends up meeting Kim Namjoon, a comparative literature major in class and a clumsy disaster outside of it. It happens like this: Hoseok finds out that Jimin doesn’t have anyone to eat lunch with and invites him to join the two of them. At first Jimin only really agrees out of politeness but soon it becomes clear that Namjoon is genuinely good company (even if he almost breaks the table in the first 5 minutes of them knowing each other), and the conversation between the three of them flows easily, with Namjoon talking about his RA responsibilities, Hoseok explaining the concept for his newest dance project and Jimin finally getting the chance to whine about hard classes and professors who know no reason.
Namjoon just pats his shoulder.
“First semester is always hard. Fighting, Jimin-ssi!” he says and does not try to hide the polite smile of someone who does not relate.
***
Funny how these things go.
By Friday Jimin finally musters up enough courage to message Seokjin in hopes that asking him for Taehyung’s number is not some sort of privacy breach, because at this point asking Taehyung out feels almost vital – for tea maybe, for a drink, for a making out session, whatever fits Taehyung best.
He’s almost done with both eating his meager cafeteria lunch (this time by himself because both Namjoon and Hoseok are busy with some rap thing) and composing a very awkward message to Seokjin when he overhears a curious conversation at a table next to his.
“—kissed you the same night you met?” one of the girls asks.
The other girl at the table nods, tucking her short hair behind her ears.
“Wow, this Kim Taehyung-ssi sure is straightforward!” the first girl exclaims and several people turn their heads in their direction.
“Shhh,” the short-haired girl shushes. “I asked him for it,” she adds much quieter but Jimin still catches it.
Jimin’s heart does that thing when it stops for just a moment and then starts beating again so hard it feels like it’s gonna jump out of his chest and run away.
Could it be the same Kim Taehyung? Surely, there are more than one at this giant university, in this giant city. Maybe he didn’t even hear the name right. Maybe it’s not Kim Taehyung but Kim Taehyun instead.
He doesn’t feel well.
***
The lack of proper information does not stop Jimin from overthinking it to no end. He wakes up in his too cold apartment, thinks about Taehyung, goes to class, thinks about Taehyung, comes back home to the apartment being even colder, thinks about Taehyung.
Which is—
Ridiculous.
He barely knows this person. They’ve met twice. Then why can’t Jimin just get his name, his face, his taste out of his head?
It’s nothing, he knows somewhere deep down, there’s nothing between them. But oh how he wants this nothing to be something.
(The more he thinks about it, the less likely it seems.)
No matter what the truth is, Jimin gives up the idea of trying to get Taehyung’s number from Seokjin.
***
Be it fate or whatever, he runs into Taehyung sooner than expected and completely by accident. He’s early to class (for once) and just as he turns the corner to where the auditorium is supposed to be, he sees Taehyung leaning against the wall in the corridor, happily chatting with the short-haired girl whose face seems awfully familiar.
So he kissed you the same night you met, Jimin recalls the next moment.
Shhh, I asked him for it.
Suddenly the chances of the Kim Taehyung from that conversation being some other Kim Taehyung are much closer to zero.
“Jimin-ah!” he hears and breaks out of his thoughts instantly. The girl is gone and there’s only Taehyung left, waving hello in Jimin’s direction.
“Hi,” greets Jimin, taking a few steps towards the boy and hoping his voice sounds appropriately excited.
“Good morning! How is your double major treating you?” Taehyung asks, and it feels like they’re just old friends catching up and not two people who barely know each other.
But if there’s anything university has already taught Jimin, it is how to complain, so he takes a deep breath and goes into a whole dramatic reenactment of how he probably already has gray hair from the stress of handing in an assignment 15 seconds before the deadline.
Taehyung just laughs, tells Jimin about his professor who is for some reason obsessed with the David statue and keeps bringing it up every class.
“Wanna go get boba tomorrow?” Taehyung suddenly asks when Jimin is already prepared to say goodbye. “There’s a very cool place near the campus but I don’t feel like going alone,” he says, pouting.
So the girl is too busy, Jimin thinks.
So you want to go with me because everyone else refused, Jimin thinks.
“Yeah, sure,” he says out loud. Hopes his voice does not sound sour.
“Great, you’re the best!” exclaims Taehyung, and Jimin’s heart constricts for just a moment. “Here, give me your KaTalk.”
***
“Jimin-ah, everything okay? Are evil professors bullying you with assignments again?” Hoseok asks a couple of hours later when the three of them are eating lunch together and Jimin can’t focus on the conversation at the table at all.
Well, yes, of course, the professors are bullying him. But that’s not the thing he’s currently worried about. Can he really share this information, though?
He contemplates for a moment, moving the rice in his plate from one corner to another.
“My… friend has this problem,” he starts tentatively. Even if the inaccuracies of his recount get found out, Jimin hopes Hoseok and Namjoon are nice enough not to point them out. “He met a very nice person and they talked and… kissed.” The last word he says much quieter, checking Namjoon’s and Hoseok’s reactions. They don’t seem to be judging him so he continues. “Anyway, then this friend found out that the nice person has been kissing other people.”
There’s a heavy silence after that which feels like hours to Jimin but in actuality is probably only a couple of seconds.
“Hmm, I have a question for your friend,” speaks out Namjoon, looking thoughtful. “Have they discussed that this person isn’t allowed to kiss other people?”
“Of course not!” Jimin replies hastily, probably a little too fast for someone who is not the aforementioned friend. His face feels hot from just thinking of asking this of Taehyung out loud. “They only just met a couple of times, how could he ask that?”
Namjoon nods like this is exactly the answer he expected.
“But your friend is still mad that this person kissed someone else?”
“I—”
It’s not that he is mad. Jimin knows he has no rights for that. But still— still he feels something, and it’s not a nice feeling, and he has no idea how to stop it, or how to control it at all.
He tries again.
“I think my friend is just confused.”
***
Jimin has a hunch. He takes one look at the boy in front of him and just knows it - Kim Taehyung is about to break his heart.
“Have I done something wrong?” Taehyung asks with no preamble. It’s the next day and they are just sitting down at the boba place Taehyung was so excited about.
The shop is not as crowded as Jimin imagined so they manage to find a table in the corner, tucked away from prying eyes.
“Why do you think so?” Jimin asks instead of giving an answer. Tries to keep his heart at bay even if it feels like an impossible task.
Taehyung takes a sip of his boba and looks right at Jimin. Suppressing an involuntary shiver, Jimin looks away.
“Your smile seems fake, you avoid looking me in the eye, and you keep sighing,” Taehyung lists slowly but with no hesitation.
Huh.
“It’s—” Jimin starts, taken aback and failing to hide it. For someone who’s only met Jimin a handful of times, Taehyung is awfully perceptive. “Why are you so sure it has something to do with you?” he finally asks, shooting his shot at deflection now that straight up denial probably won’t work.
“Well, does it?” Taehyung presses.
Jimin does not feel like he’ll come back out of this conversation alive. At least some part of him will die right here at this boba place, either from sheer mortification or the weighty way Taehyung keeps looking at him.
Jimin sighs. He gives up. Kim Taehyung, you’ve won, he mentally proclaims.
“It’s not that you’ve done something wrong, and more that I’ve had a really nice time at the MT and now I want— more. More than you can give me, I think.”
“Oh,” Taehyung lets out, voice quiet, eyes big.
“Yeah,” Jimin can only reply. Only now does he notice that he’s been holding his cup with so much force the plastic lid came off and landed on his lap.
For a moment, there’s no noise and no movement. Jimin keeps his eyes on the table and tries very hard to recall if any of his recent lecturers had any tips on teleportation.
“Jimin-ah. Can you look at me?” Taehyung finally speaks up, his voice suddenly really loud in this silence Jimin created in his own head. Still, he obeys. “Thank you,” says Taehyung with a small nod and a tentative smile, and goes on, “You are really cool, and funny. And I loved spending time with you. You’re really easy to talk to.”
“I am?” Jimin asks, his voice more air than sound.
“You are.”
Still—
“There’s a but coming, right?”
Taehyung smiles sadly.
“I’m not really looking for a relationship. I’m sorry, I should have been clearer,” Taehyung explains.
Strangely, this time the world does not stop. There are two more customers coming into the shop. A couple. The girl keeps trying to reach for a phone the guy has in his hand but he evades her attacks every time until the girl gives up, pouting demonstratively, and the guy laughs and kisses her on the cheek. Returns the phone.
“Don’t apologize,” Jimin says, looking away from the couple. “I was the one being all dramatic.”
Taehyung wants to say something in protest but Jimin doesn’t let him.
“You said you’re not looking for a relationship. But… are you perhaps looking for a friend?” Jimin asks. His eyes sting a bit but still, he smiles. Saying these cheesy lines, he feels like a character from one of these dramas his mom watches every evening.
“Haven’t I already found you?” Taehyung replies, matching the cheesiness with childish delight.
And that’s— fine. It’s fine, truly. Jimin will get over this stupid crush. He’s already gotten over Kim Seokjin.
He can get over Kim Taehyung as well.