Work Text:
Kaoru wakes up with a letter on his bedside table.
Kaoru,
I'm going to Italy for culinary school. I know I told you I wouldn't, but I need to do this if I want to have a career.
(I wish you could come with me. I wish there were another way, I wish we could stay together. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to leave you. You have no idea how hard it was for me to make that decision.)
I hope you understand. Please forgive me for not telling you earlier. I didn't want you to freak out, so I left this to the last minute, I thought it'd make things easier.
(You probably think I'm a coward for not telling you this in person. You'd be right to think that. I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd have that kicked puppy look, and I wouldn't have been able to leave. I would've stayed if you'd asked me to. I know you would've asked that. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, and I never will. It doesn't matter, I probably have hurt you by now. I hope you'll forgive me.)
I know you're probably halfway to my house already, but don't bother. My flight left early this morning, I couldn't risk letting you change my mind.
(I'm not even gone yet, and I already miss you. How pathetic is that? I'm supposed to stay away from you for months at a time. I don't know if I'll be able to do it.)
You're my best friend Kaoru, I don't want this to change.
(I do want it to change. I want to be so much more than your friend, Kaoru. I liked you since the day I knew what liking someone was. But you don't. You would've told me if you did, right?)
I know there's no way for us to see each other every day, but I hope you'll still want to be my friend. I know for sure that I want to hear from you every time you have something to tell me. I'll try to visit you as much as I can.
(It won't be enough. I know it, because seeing you every day already isn't enough. I want to be with you at any time of the day, even though I know it's too much to ask for. I should be happy with what I have, but I'm not. Every time I'm not with you, I feel like there's something missing. But seeing you once every few months will be better than never seeing you again. I'll take whatever I can get. Whatever you think I deserve.)
You have every right to hate me for this, but please don't. Please try to understand.
(I hate myself enough for doing this to you. Believe me or not, this is as hard for me to inflict on you as it will be for you to put up with.)
If there was any other alternative, I would've taken it.
(I wish there were another way. Why isn't there another way?)
Take care of yourself, I'll call soon.
(I'm sorry.)
(I love you.)
Kojiro
When Kojiro wakes up alone in Italy the next morning, and all the mornings after that, he wishes he'd had the courage to say everything he wanted to in that letter.