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He hated the smell.
He hated how tight his bandages were, hated the reason they were there in the first place. He hated the blinding fluorescent lights and the small, cramped hospital room, hated how damn lonely it felt anyway. Not that he deserved anyone’s company. He hated the sound of the constant drip of the IV that was keeping his useless body hydrated. And, god, he hated the smell.
I need a bath, he thought. If he was being forced to live he figured he’d at least lessen his suffering by ridding himself of the hospital’s smell for a while. He wasn’t sure why he cared so much, actually, but it gave him something to do.
Slowly swinging his legs off the too hard mattress he sluggishly got up, bare feet meeting the cold tile. He pulled the IV stand along with him without too much delicacy as he walked to the tiny bathroom in the corner of the room. Who cares if the IV gets damaged? Certainly not him.
He closed the bathroom door behind him and began pulling off his robe. There was a small bathtub that he thought he could barely fit in but the showerhead didn’t work so he didn’t have much to work with. He left his robe hanging on the IV connected to his arm. Steam started to fill the room as he filled the tub with hot water. He needed to remove his bandages.
The light flickered.
Unwrapping the bandages only brought more negative thoughts to mind. I did this to myself, he thought. In a fit of despair, I cut off my own hand. All for her. Horrid. Wretched. Dreadful. The bandages were off, ugly stump exposed to the cool air. He could never get used to the sight of it but he looked at it often. It served to remind him of his sins. Reminded him of all the despair he caused; the despair he became. He couldn’t believe he thought he could become hope while he was in the simulator. Foolish.
Suddenly he yelped and instinctively pulled up his leg. The hot water had started to overflow and burned his foot. Surprised, he pushed his body away from the tub and tripped over the IV stand, taking it down with him with a clank! and an oof!
“K-Komaeda-san?!” He heard the nurse’s voice from somewhere outside the bathroom and shortly after the door opened.
“Get out!” he yelled. “Don’t look at me!”
The nurse seemed to stumble while standing at the doorframe, unsure if she should go in anyway or respect her patient’s wish. She chose the latter, hurriedly fleeing the scene and leaving the door open behind her. Komaeda curled up in a ball on the floor.
So gross, so gross, so gross. He already knew he was useless, it shouldn’t surprise him that he can’t even bathe himself without causing trouble. The IV looks okay…
He shivered.
He couldn’t remember the last time he broke down like this, he was usually very calm and cool even in the worst of situations. His luck always treated him fairly and in a timely manner. If bad luck comes, so does good luck. If good luck comes, he braces himself for the worst and gladly accepts it. Because that’s how it works.
Even so, all he’s experienced lately is bad luck with no equally balanced good luck in sight. He woke up to remember all the despair he was involved in in the past. The others recovered at a rate much faster than him, he’s actually the only one who hasn’t been allowed off the island yet. He’s being forced to suffer through his disease instead of just being allowed to die. It’s what I deserve…or perhaps I deserve to suffer? He couldn’t tell anymore.
He’d lost a grip on his luck that he thought he knew so well, hell, it even backfired on him in his last moments in the simulator. He didn’t know what to expect anymore. It was scary.
He snapped back to reality and realized he was wet. Ah, the water is still running, he noticed. The water on the floor had cooled by now but the running water was still hot. If it wasn’t for the open door he would have been suffocating in the steam by now. Damn that nurse.
He heard calm footsteps and realized there was someone standing at the door but he couldn’t bring himself to care enough to see who it was. The nurse had probably called for someone else to deal with him.
“This isn’t exactly how I expected to find you.” He knew that voice. “But I’ve learned to expect the unexpected when it comes to you.” It sounded more mature than he remembered.
“Hinata-kun…?”
Komaeda looked up and recognized that unruly tuft of hair spiked up at the top of the boy’s head. Said boy reached down and picked up the IV stand with care, making sure everything stayed in its place and that the robe still hanging on it didn’t do any damage. Next he reached for Komaeda.
“You love making people worry don’t ya?”
Komaeda didn’t reach for the hand that Hinata had offered. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the Future Foundation’s headquarters? Why would you ever want to come back here?” He laughed bitterly, curling up tighter. “There’s nothing left here, you know.”
Hinata let out a frustrated breath and retracted his hand. “You’re here, aren’t you? I came to visit, if that wasn’t obvious enough.” He reached for the knobs on the bathtub and twisted them shut. He pulled his hand back quickly. “Christ, that’s hot.” After shaking the heat off his hand his gaze went back to Komaeda. Who was still sitting on the floor. Naked, of all states of being. How embarrassing, but Komaeda had too much on his mind to be worried about that.
Hinata sighed. “Believe it or not, everyone is waiting for you to get the approval from the doctors to leave the island. We want you back. ”
Komaeda scoffed. “Never thought I’d hear that. I tried to kill you all, remember? You guys hated me in the simulator, why would that change now?”
“We’ve all done shit we’re not proud of, Komaeda. We were all ultimate despair meaning we’re all in the same boat. But we’re trying to better ourselves. You should try too, and we can help—”
“I don’t want it, I don’t want help to disguise who I am. I’ve been tainted by despair and there’s no going back from that. I’ve…been thinking for a long time. You guys were ultimate despair, but you’re trying to overcome it. Does that mean you have a hope so great that it can crush ultimate despair? Or does it even matter, considering you were able to reach ultimate despair in the first place?” Komaeda rubbed his legs, they were skinnier than he remembered. “I don’t know what to think anymore…my bad luck has been on a rampage lately, haha!”
They were quiet for a moment. A moment turned into a while. Komaeda was so certain that Hinata would leave him until he felt an arm under his knees and another one on his back.
“The water’s gonna get cold.” Hinata lifted Komaeda off of the floor, always careful with the IV.
“Ah!” Komaeda was surprised, to say the least. Of all the things he expected, he didn’t even consider this. Hinata slowly lowered Komaeda into the tub, more water spilling out as he did so. “Hi-Hinata-kun! You’ll get your sleeves wet…”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he mumbled. He set Komaeda all the way in the tub. “Lean forward a bit.”
Komaeda did as he was told, if only because he wasn’t quite sure how to react to the situation. Hinata was helping him…for what reason? There was nothing for him to gain from this. Maybe because he’s trying to “better” himself. He hears Hinata reach around and fumble with something, then he feels something wet and soft on his back.
“Komaeda, I’m going to say something to you,” Hinata scrubbed Komaeda’s back gently with the soapy sponge. “And I want you to really listen to me. Please.”
The sick boy remained silent. Hinata took a deep breath.
“I’m…sorry,” Hinata said just above a whisper. His hand stilled. “I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. You’ve dealt with so much more than the rest of us, I think. I’m sorry everything has been so hard on you. It’s so hard…” he laughed. Komaeda noticed that it wasn’t a happy laugh. “It’s a struggle to get out of bed every day. It’s a struggle to actually get the motivation to get food or shower or get dressed and those are just basic things but it’s still so hard…I can’t imagine what it must be like for you.”
They sat in silence again. The taller of the two was just at a loss for words today. Hinata cupped some water in his hand before pouring it on Komaeda’s back to wash away the suds. His hand felt nice. Familiar, unlike the gloved hands of the multiple doctors that were only interested in his disease.
The brunette finished washing his back and sighed. “You’re a lot paler than you used to be, and you were pale enough already.”
“I’m not allowed to leave the room unsupervised and I don’t want the nurses breathing down my neck more than they already do.”
Hinata grabbed a small cup and filled it with water. “Tilt your head,” he told Komaeda. He poured the water over him and started washing his hair. “When we’re done here we’ll go for a walk on the beach. You could use the sun and the exercise.”
“You don’t have to do that, Hinata-kun.” You’re already bathing me, he thought. I mustn’t be more of a burden. “You really do try too hard.”
Hinata laughed quietly. It didn’t sound sad this time.
“It feels kind of natural, actually. Reminds me of our days in the simulator; when we didn’t have death looming over our heads, that is. I remember you liked the beach a lot.”
“I remember liking the beach in the simulator, too. I’m not sure if the real beach will be as pretty as that one.”
“Let’s find out then,” Hinata said as he washed the soap out of Komaeda’s hair. “Um, you should probably try doing the rest yourself, I can wait for you outside.” He got up and started to dry his hands.
“You don’t have to leave,” Komaeda responded, a little too quickly for his liking. “Of course, you don’t have to stay, either.”
Hinata was a little surprised by Komaeda’s response but he sat on the floor next to the tub anyway. He told him about the others, how they were improving, and he told him a few funny stories, too. Komaeda listened quietly while he washed.
“And there was the time that Souda and Kuzuryuu got into an argument because—oh, are you done?” Hinata stopped talking when he noticed Komaeda staring at him. “What?”
“You looked so carefree just then, talking about your friends,” Komaeda smiled at the boy next to him. “It’s a good look for you.”
Hinata laughed to try and hide his blush. “I’m hoping to say the same to you sometime. You ready to go?”
“Yeah,” Komaeda started to get up from the tub and accepted the thin towel that Hinata offered him. He originally had just wanted to get rid of the hospital smell sticking to his skin, maybe clear his head in the warm water. Possibly drowning in the tub had come to mind, also. And yet, Hinata was here instead.
Komaeda finished drying off and put on a fresh hospital gown. “You know,” Hinata started. “It’s only half past two so the sun should be pretty good right now. Let’s enjoy it while we can, okay?” He reached his hand out towards Komaeda, who grabbed it gently with his own.
“Okay,” Komaeda nodded. There was still so much that felt wrong, so much that felt like despair, but he felt like he could enjoy a moment of peace, even if he didn’t think he deserved it. The only person who had ever tried to understand him was here just to be with him and he was going to make the best of it.
Deciding to take a bath had turned out better than he had expected.