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Simon probably would not have heard the knock if he had been asleep like he should have been. But here he was, at 2am on a Friday night and there was a soft knock on his window. He had been trying to fall asleep for the past hour, but it had been harder ever since that last day before the winter break. The last day he saw him.
He was convinced he had made it up, but then he heard it again. It was soft, unsure knock.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
He got up and stumbled the few steps to his windowsill to move away the curtain and see who was out there.
“Wille.” The name escaped his lips before he could even think about it.
It had been almost two months since he had last seen Wille, and he had tried not to think about that moment too often. It was the most bittersweet memory of the short time they spent together. It stung to think about that last hug they had ever shared. Back then, he still had had some hope. It would just be the Christmas time apart and they could wait while things calmed though both at school and at the palace. They would just have a few weeks apart and then in January they would be back at school again. But Wille had not come back.
It was hard to believe that he was here now, standing outside of Simon’s bedroom in the middle of the night. He looked smaller than Simon remembered. His coat too big on his slender body.
“Hi,” Wille said, his voice shaky and weak.
“Hi,” Simon replied. Two months of trying to convince himself that he was better of without him. But it only took a few seconds for all his feelings too come back. Simon hated that just this one greeting already made him want to fall back into Wille. To forget everything that had happened between the two of them and just start over.
“What are you doing here?” Simon asked, trying to sound more secure than he was.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Wille replied as he looked down, his hand fiddling with the hem of his sweater.
Simon was quiet. He didn’t know what to reply to this statement. But as his eyes trailed over Wille’s body, he knew he could not send him away.
“Do you want to come in?” The words were out of his mouth before he could even doubt his own decision.
“Please.”
x
It had been awkward trying to get Wille inside through the window of Simon’s bedroom. Wille wasn’t the most gracious and almost lost his balance a few times. Simon had to grab him under his arm to keep him from falling. But Simon much rather had these awkward moments instead of explaining to his mom why Wille was here at this time. Hell, he still didn’t even know himself what was going on.
“Do you want to sit down?” Simon asked, as he gestured to his bed. Wille nodded but kept his eyes on the floor, unwilling to look up. Now that they were standing in front of each other and there was no window in between them, Simon could see his face much better. He looked exhausted. His eyes empty and dark, framed by the dark circles underneath them. Lips broken and dry, from where they had been bitten over and over again.
They sat on the side of Simon’s bed. Their sides pressed together. It reminded Simon of when Wille had squeezed himself next to Simon during the movie night. Simon had barely registered anything of that movie, as all he could think about had been Wille and Wille’s fingers between his own.
But this was different. Simon had never seen him like this, not even right after the funeral of Erik. Wille was out of it.
Simon moved his hand towards Wille’s own, slowly as not to disturb him. Their fingers laced together, the way they were supposed to be. Wille dropped his cheek on Simon’s shoulder, leaning into him even more than before, almost as if Simon had given him the permission he needed, just by holding his hand.
They sat there in the quiet for a couple of minutes, adjusting to being in each other’s presence again.
“Can you hold me?” The words were soft and whispered, but Simon heard them loud and clear.
“Yes, always.” It was true. He could never deny Wille when he was asking him to hold him. Simon had never been able to deny his boy the touch he so strongly craved.
“Let me help you get comfortable first,” Simon said as he got up and crouched in front of Wille, their hands still connected. With one hand, he managed to take Wille’s shoes off. Wille
“I will need your help to take your coat off, love”. The pet name slipping off his lips easily.
Simon pulled Wille with him as he stood up himself. Wille’s body heavy against his, leaning forward as he put his forehead on Simon’s shoulder. It took a few tries and a lot of stumbling, but Simon managed to help him out of his coat. Wille’s deadweight against him as Simon made quick work of taking off Wille’s jeans and sweater off before throwing them behind him on the ground. They could worry about that mess tomorrow.
They moved as one as they migrated to Simon’s bed. Wille’s movements slow and heavy, while Simon tried to be alert, ready for if Wille needed him.
They laid down on their sides, Wille’s back to Simon’s chest. From not seeing each other¸ not touching each other, for weeks to being skin to skin again.
x
Together they laid for minutes, maybe even hours. Simon wasn’t sure. His left arm around Wille’s waist, as Wille strongly held onto his hand. He didn’t know what to say, if he should even say something. But he was too wind up to fall asleep. He’d been thinking about seeing Wille again every night and now that he was here, in his bed, he didn’t know what to do.
So, Simon did what he does best. He counted the freckles on the back of Wille’s neck. Not that he needed to count them to know how many there are. He knows there are seven, he had counted them over and over that first time they slept together. He had kissed each and every one of them while Wille had giggled and tried to get away, claiming that it tickled him. It had been a different time; they had been different. But the freckles had not changed. Wille was still Wille, and Simon was still Simon.
Simon slowly nuzzled closer, delicately pressing his lips to the freckle right in the middle. Pressing a soft kiss to the nape of Wille’s neck.
That small gesture was all it took for Wille to finally break. His body shocking as the words he had been trying to hold back finally came out.
“I… I am… so sorry.” The words came out roughly, as Wille grasped for breath in between them. Simon tried to hold him even closer. Rubbing Wille’s chest as he tried to calm him down.
“Shhh, I know love. I know” Simon replied, as his lips touched the back of Wille’s neck.
“No… Don’t… I fucked…” Wille wasn’t even able to finish his sentence, the crying completely taking over his body.
Simon turned Wille around in his arms, their faces mere centimeters from each other.
“Wille, listen to me. I am not mad at you. We can talk about it in the morning.”
Wille’s eyes were big as he finally looked Simon straight in the eyes. His body still moving as he hiccupped, but the crying slowed down.
“Do you think you can do that?” Simon asked, as he brushed through Wille’s hair to get it out of his face.
Wille nodded, visibly calming down.
“Well, come here then,” Simon said, as he pulled Wille onto his chest.
x
They laid there for a while, their heartbeats slowing down, Simon’s fingers drawing circles on Wille’s back. Simon had begun to hum their song, the song during which they first had laid their eyes on each other. The song that meant so much for them, that had connected them without even realizing and that now worked as the perfect distraction.
It didn’t take long for Wille to fall asleep. His breathing calming down as he finally got the rest he had been craving for months.
Simon kept humming for a while, not just for Wille but also for himself. A single tear running down his cheek as he thought about how exhausted and broken his boy had showed up tonight.
They would talk in the morning, for now they could just hold each other.