Chapter Text
Minjoon took a shaky breath.
This was it. He was going to tell Hari.
Wringing his hands together, he had to fight off the desire to flee – it would be easy, considering that Hari, who was already sitting at their table in the restaurant, had yet to notice his arrival.
He was standing in front of the glass door – had been for the past 5 minutes, already – and was still searching for the courage to actually go in. He could see Hari from where he was standing; she had already started to eat, and already ordered his food as well.
The last part served to actually soothe the nervous fluttering in his chest, at least a bit.
Hari cared for him. The whole team did, really. It was a realization which had not come easy to him. The wish for their care, while having been there early on, had seemed so unattainable, so unrealistic, that it had been hard to wrap his head around the fact that they actually considered him one of their own, a part of their little, crazy family.
It was still hard to accept and believe, sometimes – there were times where he lay awake at night, chest tight and stomach feeling as if something was squeezing his innards together, thinking about the bond between his teammates, seeming tighter than it could ever be towards him, impossible to reach, lest find a way to weasel himself in, only able to view from the outside. Times where he still felt like an intruder, doubted their little signs of care.
(Were they really? Did he read too much into them? Did they truly want him or was it merely that they weren’t bothered by him being there? On days where it got particularly bad, where he was unsure on how to tread, what to say, how to make them like him, want him, love him, where he felt like he could burst any minute and needed reassurance through words and touch while at the same time feeling like he would crumble if they so much as gazed at him for longer than a second, he sometimes considered asking them, yelling at them and demanding the truth of them, to tell him if he really meant something to them, if they would ever truly consider him family. But he’d always been a coward, and he craved their affection too much, had come to hope and expect for it, that any other answer, any answer different to them really caring for him, would probably destroy him, leave him to crumble and shatter and break with no way to get pierced back together. So he simply didn’t.)
(His team, his family, meanwhile, noticed the days where Minjoon would become withdrawn, where he seemed to second-guess his every word and action towards them, his eyes so openly vulnerable yet closed off, guarded, afraid. They could only assume what kind of thoughts he was having, and while it hurt them all to see him silently suffering they could not do much more but offer what they hoped would be seen as silent reassurances, waiting for him to come to them, and till then working every day on making him certain of his place in their family, of his importance to them.)
Closing his eyes, Minjoon took another shaky breath, before forcing himself to open the door and step into the restaurant, trying to ignore the clenching of his chest, the way he wanted to turn around, go back home, curl up on the ground and tremble and shake and cry till he couldn’t anymore.
Catching Hari’s eyes from across the room, he tried to put on a smile, even though he knew right away that it wouldn’t be convincing, and started his way towards her; shaky hands hidden in the pockets of his coat for now.
-*-*-
Hari kept on chewing, face relaxed as she watched Minjoon making his way towards her, the only thing betraying her sudden rise of concern being the tight grip she had on the chopsticks in her hand.
From the moment Minjoon had invited her out to eat tonight she’d known that it wasn’t a simple invitation to dinner, but something more serious; Minjoon had been nervous, eyes not quite able to meet hers, shoulders ever so slightly drawn up when asking her if she had time, the smoothness of his voice interrupted by an ever so slight underlying tremor.
But Minjoon didn’t look nervous right now.
Minjoon looked downright terrified.
She forced herself to swallow the food in her mouth before taking a slow gulp of the water, just as Minjoon was settling in across from her; drawing out the sip she’d taken as long as possible without it getting suspicious that she was buying time – both, to give Minjoon a chance to calm, if he could, and to stop herself from getting up and dragging him back to the office where the others would surely still be, to stop herself from forcing him under a blanket and holding him, telling him that no matter what, things were going to be okay.
But, whatever had Minjoon looking like this – he’d come to her himself about it. She wouldn’t, couldn’t, take this away from him, as much as it hurt to see him in such a state.
Finally setting the glass down, Hari cleared her throat and smiled at Minjoon, pretending she couldn’t see the slightly uneven rise of his chest, or the way he held onto the edge of his seat with one hand, stiff and shaky, as if the tight grip was all that was stopping him from getting up and running.
“You should eat”, she said instead, gesturing to the food she’d already ordered for him, something she’d known he’d like, “The food’s probably already about to become cold, so hurry up.”
She could see Minjoon cracking a slight smile which, to her relief, seemed genuine, before finally easing the grip he had on his chair and taking the chopsticks into his hand, starting to pick on his food.
“Ah, Hari, how did you know that I was in the mood for Jokbal? Did you practice your stalking skills on me again?”
His gaze, instead of teasingly looking up at her, was firmly stuck to the food he was still only picking on, belying the forced casualness of his tone, banter falling slightly flat in the face of whatever it was that he was working up the courage to tell her.
Still, choosing not to comment (yet), Hari only scoffed before picking up a piece and basically shoving it into Minjoons face.
“Don’t flatter yourself, brat. Different to what you might believe I actually do have other things to do than follow you around 24/7. Now eat – it was a busy day and I know for a fact that none of us got around to making sure you actually ate something for lunch.”
Minjoon had finally looked up – hard not to when someone was only a few millimeters away from slapping meat onto your face – and the flabbergasted look on his face at the last part would’ve been funny, had it not stung so much to see something akin to genuine confusion at her making sure he actually ate.
Hari raised a brow when no reaction came forth, and insistently tilted the chopsticks holding the food more into his direction, shortly away from prodding his lips with it.
She could basically see him surrender when she still hadn’t given up and pulled the meat away after a few more seconds, light blush coating his cheeks as he leaned forward and opened his mouth, lips closing around the perfectly bite-sized piece, beginning to chew as Hari pulled the chopsticks back, meeting her eyes only for a second before shyly glancing away and leaning back again.
God, it was a mystery to her how she had ever thought of him as cold or intimidating, when he was so adorable without even noticing or trying.
Minjoon, who had finished his bite, was now uncertainly nibbling on his lower lip, eyes finally meeting Hari’s of his own, even if apparently reluctant, volition, though he still remained silent.
It seemed that whatever courage it had taken him to actually ask her to come meet was not yet enough to actually broach the subject of what was terrifying him so much.
Sighing – though not a sound made out of annoyance, but rather worry – Hari leaned forward, taking one of his hands into hers, ignoring the way he startled at the sudden and unexpected physical contact, all the while keeping eye contact.
“Listen,” she began, hoping to all that Minjoon would see the honest care in her eyes, feel the reassurance she was trying to convey through touch, “I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but I know you asked me to go out with you today because you wanted to tell me something important. I can see that you’re scared, but I want you to know that whatever it is, I’ll be by your side and help you. We all will. You’re not alone anymore.”
-*-*-
You’re not alone anymore.
But what if he would be after this?
Swallowing dryly, he forced himself to keep the eye contact Hari had initiated, searching her eyes for anything else but the warm support and concern she was currently emanating, but not finding anything.
A part of him kept insisting that he wasn’t ready to share this. That he would never be, should never be, that he shouldn’t risk the bliss he’d found. A part of him still wanted to break this off, wanted to look at Hari and tell her that he couldn’t do this, tell her that he wanted to forget about ever taking this first step, that he wanted to go home, curl up and hide beneath a blanket until this was but a distant memory he could shove far away and lock up forever. And he knew Hari would indulge him, could see it in the furrow of her brows, the tightness of her shoulders that she tried to keep hidden as to not scare him away.
He could stop this right now, before everything he had now would go up in flames.
But.
But there was this other, smaller part of him, that finally wanted to come clean. That wanted to know that they’d still accept him, even knowing this about him. That it wouldn’t change anything. That he didn’t need to be afraid of losing their love, at least not because of this, not because of something he couldn’t change. A part of him that wanted reassurance, wanted to trust them completely, jump over that last, fickle barrier.
And he knew that if he didn’t do this now, if he didn’t use this chance he’d worked up the courage to take, then he might never get around to doing this, never feel brave enough to go through with it and actually tell her and the others, or at least not for a very long time.
And he didn’t know if he could deal with living like this, part of him kept secret, any longer either.
So Minjoon took a deep breath, gave Hari one last searching gaze, and then nodded, pulling his hands away to instead wrap his arms around himself in a last effort to feel like Hari wouldn’t be able to make him crumble right there, right now, depending on her reaction.
His voice was croaky, hesitant and quiet when he started. “It’s not… not something you can help me with.”
He basically felt Hari draw up, saw the way her frown hardened and knew, undoubtedly, that she was going to say something about how they would always be able to and be there to help him, that he didn’t have to endure alone; a fact that made a small speck of warmth blossom in his anxiety riddled chest and the corner of his mouth quirk up ever so slightly for all of a second.
Still, he stopped her before she could begin her tirade, slightly raising his hand to signal to let him continue. Hari, luckily, only stared at him for another second before apparently deciding that it would be better to let him go on, arms tense from the strain of holding herself back.
Hari was an excellent actress, but whenever someone she cared about was concerned, you only needed to know where to look to clearly see the hints of her true thoughts.
(He was hesitant to include himself in the circle of people she cared about, but allowed himself the small indulgence – it might be the last time she’d look at him with anything other than disgust, after all, as much as the thought stung).
Minjoon wouldn’t be able to take seeing any hints of disgust towards himself in her, so he averted his eyes, looking slightly off to the side instead of at her face. He continued.
“It’s nothing you can help me with because it’s nothing that actually requires help. At, at least, at least most people think so. I mean I think so. I have – I don’t – I don’t have a problem with it. I’ve come to terms with it long ago, I-“
He broke off, closing his eyes for a second, not daring to check for Hari’s reaction upon the nonsense he’d just spewed. His speech had accelerated towards the end, and he could feel beads of cold sweat uncomfortably sliding down the back of his neck and the sides of his face, could feel the anxious buzzing all over his body, hear it in his ears.
But he couldn’t stop now.
Mercifully, Hari remained silent, giving him the time he needed to gather himself. Not that he could do a lot of gathering at the moment – he was surprised that he was still sitting here, the way he felt, that he had yet to fall apart at the seams.
Minjoon kept his eyes closed, breaths short and stuttering, almost painful though grounding because of it. He would do this. He had to. No turning back now.
(He wanted to. He wanted to so badly, wanted to hear her say that it doesn’t change anything).
(He wasn’t scared).
(He was terrified, out of his mind with a fear that shot through his bones like a deep, never-ending ache, that locked his limbs in place and prevented him from searching eye contact or raising his voice even the tiniest bit).
(Please, god, or whatever high power was out there – please just let him keep this family he found).
Tightening his arms around himself, shoulders drawn up, he gathered all the last remains of his courage, all the little scraps of hope and want and trust, and finally said what he’d been wanting to tell for so long yet never dared to say out-loud.
“I’m Bisexual.”
He waited for a second. For another. When there was no immediate screaming, no disbelieving remarks or words of disgust, he allowed himself to breathe a little more, shoulders relaxing the tiniest bit.
He dared to open his eyes, though he was only barely able to actually look at Hari, scared of what he may see that her silence did not tell him.
“I just – do you. Do you hate me now?”
He couldn’t keep the vulnerability out of his voice, the tremor in it not subtle anymore.
“Minjoon”, Hari said, voice soft and warm, but he still did not dare raise his gaze, too scared to hope, too frail in that moment to take a negative reaction.
“Minjoon”, Hari started again, “Please look at me.” Voice still gentle, and so, so careful. When he didn’t heed he heard her sigh and immediately felt his muscles tense up, felt the burn of unwanted yet uncontrollable tears – only to have Hari gently grip his chin, angling it up so that he had to look at her, and what he saw made his breath hitch.
Hari’s eyes were slightly glazed over, as if she was holding back tears as well, but there was no trace of horror or disgust on her face, in her expression, no rejection, and Minjoon could feel his body weaken with relief.
“Minjoon” Hari continued, making sure to keep her grip on him gentle, yet to really establish eye contact, “I – we – could never hate you. I am so grateful that you trust me enough to tell me. I can’t put into words how happy I am that you’ve decided to share this part of you with me. Thank you.”
Minjoon couldn’t help the sob that escaped him, didn’t care for any potential onlookers as the tears started to trail down his face – all that he could feel was relief, cool, soothing relief which ever so slowly took over and freed him of the deep ache with which his fear had left him.
“This – this won’t change anything, right?” he still had to croak out, had to make sure.
Hari sniffled, rubbing her arm over her eyes once as if to get rid of any tears that could possibly try to escape before once again holding his gaze and nodding, own voice unsteady as she went to assure him.
“of course, you idiot. This changes nothing, you hear? Nothing at all. And if anyone ever dares to so much as imply differently they’ll have to deal with me.”
And if there had been any doubt about the truth of her words, that too would’ve been washed away by the calm, protective fury visible in her everything at the thought of anyone daring to hurt Minjoon, to make him feel like less.
-*-*-
“Thank you”, Minjoon said quietly, looking ahead instead of to the figure of Hari next to him.
After both had calmed down and wiped their tears away, they had gone on with their meal in silence – not awkward, or regretful, but supportive and companionable, Hari giving Minjoon the time to collect himself, come to terms with the fact that he’d actually told her and that she… hadn’t minded. Hadn’t reacted badly. Had instead reassured him of her care and love.
It was what he had not dared to want, what he had not dared to let himself hope for.
He flinched when Hari suddenly punched his arm – soft, even softer than normally, but unexpected enough to surprise him and make him look at her just in time to see her roll his eyes.
(just in time to see what he might finally dare describe as fondness, fondness for him, written all over her expression).
“Don’t you dare thank me for this, you hear? This doesn’t change anything.”
He could hear her muttering more under her breath, and he chuckled slightly, sound accompanied by a slight sniffle. He must look like a mess, he mused – eyes still red-rimmed, voice still worlds away from being able to be described as stable, hands still shaky if he were to take them out of the pockets of his coat.
Continuing on in silence, it was only after a short while that Hari cleared her throat and stopped walking, forcing Minjoon to do the same and look at her questioningly.
“Listen”, she started, “This is your decision. I won’t do anything that you don’t want me to, and I won’t tell you what to do. But do you plan on telling the others? I won’t mention anything to them unless you want me to.”
Minjoon bit his lip, heart that had wanted to start racing again soothed by the reassurance in Hari’s voice that this really was his call.
Exhaling, he shrugged, somewhat helplessly. “I – I do want to tell them. Really. But this was already – I was so-“
Scared, terrified went unsaid. Didn’t need to be said. He felt her lay a hand on his arm and squeeze slightly. Support, reassurance, care.
“I want to tell them” he said again “Just not… immediately. I’m happy I told you but, I don’t think I can take this again so soon.”
Hari hummed slightly and nodded, giving him an affirmative nod. “of course, this is your call. Just know – and I guarantee this with all I have – they will not think differently. Not one of them. You’re one of us, ours, and like hell would your sexuality change that.”
And then, without any hesitance, she suddenly lunged at him and hugged him, tightly squeezing her arms around him as she whispered “Don’t ever doubt that we care for you, idiot.”
And Minjoon, words lost for the moment, could only laugh wetly and return the hug.
Maybe he would really be able stop questioning his place with them one day.