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When Adora woke up to a dark room and an empty bed, she tried not to worry at first. Maybe Catra had gone for a midnight walk with Melog along the rooftops. Or was about to burst in with an arm full of salvaged snacks and announce that if she couldn't sleep, they both might as well not sleep and eat instead.
But then she heard a sniff.
Oh .
"Catra?" She called softly, rapidly blinking the sleep out of her eyes and trying to focus on the entrance to their balcony. Now she looked, she could see Melog's telltale glow filtering softly through. Even as she watched, it flickered from blue to red, to blue again. "Catra, you there?"
No response, save for a shuddering breath and low growling murmur.
Adora scrubbed at her face, frantically trying to sober herself up from the grogginess of sleep - Catra needed her - then slipped out of bed and padded over to the balcony. Catra hadn't bolted as soon as Adora had called for her, so that was a good sign at least. She was perched on the wide stone balcony wall, facing away from her. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees, her tail and ears pressed so tightly against her, they were practically invisible in this dim light. She looked so small.
Beside her was Melog, pressed firmly against her side and barely sparing Adora a glance. Their mane and tail gently swayed, swirled with red and deep blue, undecided, upset, uneasy.
"Hey," Adora greeted quietly. Not wanting to crowd her, she leant against the cool wall a little distance away, peeking a look at her girlfriend. Though still-wet tears shone over her cheeks, her face was hard and stony. "...Couldn't sleep?"
It was several minutes before Catra said anything. She didn't look over, but carried on glaring at some spot in the horizon, her tormented, glistening eyes the brightest thing around. Melog let out a comforting - and encouraging? - purr, but if anything Catra's face just hardened further, fresh tears silently breaking free. Adora desperately wanted to reach over, to cradle her in her arms, to take whatever was causing her pain and banish it as forcefully as she had Prime. But she knew it didn't work that way. Catra looked so tightly wound, a passing breeze could trigger an explosion.
Then, finally, in a strange, strained voice, "Do you forgive her?"
Adora's stomach dropped. Fuck .
"Who?"
"You know who . You're the one with the big moral compass. Do you forgive her? Is that-" and suddenly her voice breaks a little, "-is that what I'm supposed to be feeling?"
Adora hesitated. Catra clearly wasn't in the mood to be dismissed and she wanted to show that she was considering her question seriously, but really, when she imagined Shadow Weaver, when she felt the echo of her influence, the answer came very quickly.
"No," she replied. Catra was so still she seemed to be barely breathing. "I don't. She did too many terrible things to us. To a lot of people. And she seemed fine with you sacrificing yourself before I went back for you." Adora's face hardened. "I haven't forgotten."
Catra's stony gaze finally broke, crumpling like paper. With a breath that sounded close to a sob, she tore her eyes from the horizon and looked at Adora with such overwhelming emotion - sadness, grief, gratitude? - that Adora couldn't stand to be apart from her for another second. In an instant, her arms were around her, one hand pulling her in tightly, the other soothing her hair. Catra clung desperately to Adora's back, face pressed against the plane of her shoulder as if to muffle her furious outburst.
"I hate her," she hissed. " I hate her . I hate everything she did to us, everything I did for her. I hate that whenever I have my worst days, it's her voice I still hear in my head. I hate that she never gave a shit, and she still affects me this fucking much. It's not fair ."
Adora carried on stroking her hair helplessly. She wished she knew what to do. She wanted to just pull her in tighter, surround her, find some sanctuary in her chest that Catra could hide in and never feel pain or upset again. But it didn't work like that. And she knew now that it was a disservice to the deep rooted pain they both felt to attempt to fix it so easily. So instead Adora held her close, stroking her hair as upset and frustration reverberated through Catra's chest.
Seeing a pause in Catra's vent, she asked softly, "Is this why you were avoiding me today? Was it a bad day?"
Catra hesitated, then curled even more into Adora's chest. "A bit," she admitted, and Adora paused her strokes to drop a quick kiss to the top of her girlfriend's head. "Yeah. I don't know why. It's just... sometimes I have all these thoughts in my head and it's so much and I can't see and I can't breathe. And maybe I am like her. Maybe she's the only one who clocked me right-"
"You're not like her," Adora interrupted, fuelled by a sudden passion. Her arms tightened, ready to defend her from her own demons. "And she wasn't right about anything. She was a manipulative old witch with her own motivations and she never saw how wonderful you are. How wonderful you always were. Do you think she would ever work herself to exhaustion rehousing Horde kids? No, she was the one who put them in those conditions in the first place. You're nothing like her."
Catra let out a wet chuckle, and Adora felt her relax slightly into her. "Sounds right when you say it."
For a few minutes, they lapsed into silence. The only sounds were the wind brushing the smooth stone of the castle, Melog's nearby comforting purrs, and the far-off low magical cry of a forest whale. Adora felt Catra's next words coming in the sudden tense of her fingers, the set of her shoulders.
"Do you know what her last words to me were?" she asked with a sudden emotion, though it lacked the hysterical bite of earlier. "She said 'I'm so proud of you, Catra'. I'm proud of you . It's just like her to be that fucking cruel to wait until her literal dying breaths to finally give me anything. What am I supposed to do with that? I've always tried to-"
Her voice wavered.
Then, in a small voice that broke Adora's heart in ways she couldn't begin to articulate, Catra whispered, "Do you think she meant it?"
For some moments, Adora struggled with how to respond. Catra was tense again in her arms, pressing her face deeper into Adora's chest, as if to hide from the shame and hope. Adora kept stroking her hair, a comforting reminder that no matter what she was saying, Catra was loved, so loved, and always would be. In the end, Adora gave up on what the right thing was to say, and hoped the carefully worded truth would offer some comfort.
"I... I think so. In her own way. Despite everything she did to you, everything that happened, you still did good in the end. You were good. You worked at - I don't know, improving yourself? - in a way I don't think she had the capacity for. Or expected."
In a way, I think you were the only one she could have been proud of. No reason to be proud of a tool for doing it's job.
Adora didn't add that bit, instead finishing hopelessly, "I don't know if that makes it better or not."
Catra didn't reply. They stood, wrapped up in their bubble of warmth, as a cool breeze filled the night. It smelt of spice and daisies.