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"Three things can't be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth." - Unknown
It was a pretty solid theory that magic can be deeply connected to emotions, especially ones with deep wells of emotions and are more in tune with them than the average person. This power had shown itself to definitely be a gift or showed to be a damn curse. Everyone had their cross to bear, sort of speaking, and I had my own. And this had to be it.
On a good note, my advantage with magic was something I treasured like an old friend.
But on bad days, I wanted to set things on fire and just explode and cry.
And looking at this letter in my hand, reading its content, I just wanted to set things on fire and just let it burn and scream more out to the heavens.
Deciding my magic was best if I left alone, I just shredded the letter into tiny pieces before throwing them into the fire that was brewing in the fireplace. It felt therapeutic for a moment, but it was short-lived.
My mind was still reeling, the good mood I managed to keep for most of the day just vanished like smoke.
Julian was working late tonight at the clinic so that left me to my own devices as I had kept the shop open, I closed a little while ago and had been enjoying some down time for me when I had finally remembered the letter my mother had sent to me. And that’s where it went down to all seven hells for me.
There have been multiple days where I've seen my magic manifest into something that's way over my head. Before I came to Asra, I often had isolated myself to where I only had a few people in my life. I became terrified of my own power and myself, not knowing what’s going on inside me to the point where I didn’t know what to do. How are you supposed to love yourself when you were literally taught as a child to abhor anything that was magically related? Magic itself or the belief of magic that was apparently wrong? And everyone involved or believed in said magic should be damned and the ones who don’t have magic were above others. What kind of person, especially family, did that to their own blood? How was I supposed to even fathom that they could do that to me? Ugh, even after all these years, it still gave me a headache just thinking about it.
When it really came down to it, there were times too where I didn’t know if I even wanted to live in those dark moments, but somehow I made it through.
And that’s where the conflict came in.
How was I supposed to stay calm and not triggered by the person who supported me and believed in me for most of my life, even with their underlying issues and challenges? How was I supposed to keep myself or not explode because of all the energy forming inside of me? Where is the fearful energy when it has no place to go and you feel like the world is spinning around too fast?
My mind raced with thoughts going so fast that I couldn’t think straight, creating a pounding headache behind my eyes. Certain words of my mother’s letter triggered me and the recent memories of the nightmare I had gone through recently with the others in stopping the devil were now fresh in my memory again. Gods, and it didn’t help with my full memory that came back. I had to remember stuff I was ignorantly blissful about before. As much as I wanted to forget everything again, that would mean forgetting Julian again and the few precious memories I had with the people I loved.
Damn it all.
I marched to my bedroom and sat myself on the edge of my bed, my hands twisting the sheets of my bed in tight grips to keep myself going from the edge.
It also helped to have a familiar at your side too. Well, let me be correct. I have two. You could call them my “sun and my moon” if we wanted to be a bit creative. Without those two at my side, I don’t think I could have ever made it on the path that had been created for me.
Both of my two best companions sat on either side of me, both of their heads in my lap looking up at me with their intelligent eyes.
My “moon” occupied on the left side of me, her decently-sized head taking a good portion of my lap as she looked at me with her pensive quiet gaze. Sometimes, it often felt as if she could see into my soul with those clear light blue eyes. She was quiet, intelligent, barely barked unless necessary. She didn't show affection to anyone unless she knew them well enough. She was also beautiful in her own right, and it still puzzled me how such a creature came into my company in what felt like so long ago. I raised her since she was a scrawny greyish-silver pup, and now look at her. Now, she was looking after me. The irony. I would have scratched her ears with a tearful smile, but I kept my hands close to the bed, not wanting to hurt her or my "sun" with my magic.
"It's okay, Selene." I reassured my wolf, even though she could probably smell the lies coming from me. "I'll be okay."
She nudged my arm with her nose and then shot me the most questionable look a wolf could give as if she were saying, along with a soft growl warning me, "I know you're lying to me."
I shook my head. "I'm alright, Selene. Really, it's just some stupid stuff in my head."
And now, it was my "sun's" turn on my right side trying to convince me to let them in.
He was my goofball and loveable cuddle baby (him and Julian sometimes compete when it came to touching me). Apollo was my ray of sunshine with the way he always barked and smiled at me in the morning. His bright green eyes were always lit up and bright like the shade of green of well kept grass from the palace courtyard. More on the dog end of the spectrum, his golden furry coat and floppy ears may not be the most obvious appearance when it comes to being familiar with the Arcana of the Sun. But hey? Who am I to say no?
He whined to me with those now sad green eyes, nudging me now with his cold nose. I truly wanted to reciprocate his touch and let him through, but it was too much right now. I have to keep it in. I can't let anyone get hurt because of my stupid...gods I wished this would stop.
"Please, Apollo. No, just leave me be right now. I need to...I need to…" my voice ventured off, the pain behind my eyes and temple increasing. I couldn't stop my body's urges, wanting to curl in a ball and just sleep until kingdom come. "Just leave me alone."
Gods, I'm so done.
It had been a long day. Definitely long indeed. The clinic had been swamped with more patients than normal, and it pushed him to stay longer at the clinic until there was no one left. The walk home wasn't too bad, but mentally he felt like he was going to drop. Thankfully, the knowing thought of the one he loved being at home waiting for him warmed his heart and pushed his feet a little faster. The thought of being able to fall into bed and hold the one he loved in his arms every night sounded truly as close heaven was going to get for him. And it was all his. Their own heaven.
He came across the shop, not surprised of the lanterns light put out. Ever since after the grand events recently, Asra invited Julian over to stay with him and his apprentice for the time being, seeing the deep bond resurfacing between the two lovers. Julian truly appreciated him and made sure both of them knew that. He earned his keep and made sure to give his portion towards what they needed for the daily upkeep. Plus, being able to be with the apprentice again with nothing holding them back was a true relief.
Putting his key into the lock, he turned the knob and was welcomed with the swarm of a trio of familiar animals barking and loud cawing all over him.
"Whoa, whoa. Take it easy, guys. I'm happy to see you too." He greeted the welcoming party with a warm yet tired smile. However, the barking didn't stop. In fact, they increased.
Apollo - the golden retriever - kept barking and barking as his claws clicked towards the stairs. Selene - the silver wolf - kept a grip of his cloak with her teeth as she tugged and pulled towards the stairs. And to top that off, Malik kept cawing and screeching, pulling on his red tresses as he flapped through the air.
"What in blazes is wrong?" Julian asked, his worry starting to take root.
It wasn't until a crash from upstairs in the bedroom when he put two and two together.
"Shit!" He cursed before he sprinted upstairs, his mismatched eyes widening at the sight before him.
My walls were barely holding it in much longer, but I still kept trying to hold on. The words of my mother telling me my stubbornness would be the death of me were haunting me now, taunting me more with the dark shadows spinning their words inside my brain. Trying to patch the dam was only going to do so much good.
As if fate was trying to add salt to my mental wounds, I could hear Julian vaguely coming up the stairs and into the door. His tall frame towering over mine, looking at me with great worry.
I just wanted to just crawl under a rock and never come out. I couldn’t bear him seeing me like this.
However, my magic had other ideas. I couldn’t stop the water breaking through the dam now. Damn it, Julian. Look at what you have done now. I fruitlessly tried to hide from him, my body doing this on its own accord with my mind just completely shut down. I was out of control.
“Breathe for me, love.” He consoled me, even though I can hear parts of his own voice breaking.
“I can’t.” I cracked out, my body literally shaking as I tried to all my might to hold back the magic brewing in the center of my chest. It hurt so much. So much pressure. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”
“It’s not good to keep all of this inside of you.” He urged me again, tentatively reaching out for me with his fingers, but my body involuntarily flinched from his touch.
I wanted his touch. I craved it like a drug, especially like a balm to my soul. I wanted his love, but my body couldn’t take it. It was too much. Overload. Overload. Overload. I couldn’t stand the thought hurting him. It would break my heart in two if I did.
“Darling, let. It. Out.” He told me word by word. “Allow yourself to do this. I am giving you permission to let it out, please.”
Those words broke the dam.
The flimsy walls around my magic fell, a blast of powerful wind blew from me through the entire room, knocking things on the floor and some of them shattering in pieces. The room shook as I finally vented out a shrill scream of frustration before everything went down and I began to bawl. Like the type of ugly crying where you want to hide your face with the full brunt of snot coming from your nose, body shaking like a leaf, the whole waterworks. I felt Julian in front of me on his knees, his hands gently prying me open that way he could see my face. I couldn't take it any more. I needed him. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly like he was my lifeline. At this point, he might as well have been.
"There you go, love. Let it all out. I've got you. Shhh…" he said comfortingly as he brought me into his arms, rubbing my back as he tried to calm me down.
Bringing me closer to him, he swung his other arm under my legs and placed himself on the bed, leaning against the wooden frame. Both of my familiars jumped away from the bed with the two humans landing in tow. The bed groaned underneath us as his weight shifted to get comfortable with me in tow. I was too emotional to realize what he was doing. I just kept letting the tears pour until nothing else came out.
He cradled me in his arms, positioned to where it was almost as if I was a child. My feet almost dangled over the edge of the bed. I was too tired to lift my head or do anything other than lean against him, letting Julian be my rock like I had been for him in the past. He had me still in his protective embrace, my head cushioned against his chest, his heartbeat gently thumping in his chest like a steady lullaby. Wait a minute? Lullaby?
That's when you realized it. He was singing.
Singing.
If I wasn’t so emotionally distressed, my heart would have grown twice as big witnessing that sight.
I didn't know the words coming through him, but it was enough to even sooth the magic inside of me that previously rampaged and threatened to consume my body. The tears abated further as I could feel him rocking me gently as if he were waves on a beach coming to shore. I just let myself finally go and work on breathing evenly. My heartbeat slowed as the rocking continued and his singing brought a sense of calm that I hadn't felt in a while. I wanted to be here forever.
His singing faded out, and my body finally calmed. Every few moments, I heard myself sniffle while I was trying to breathe. I closed my eyes for a moment and just stayed there in his arms, just staying in tune with the calmness and the quiet. Everything now was at a standstill.
I almost fell asleep, but was quietly woken by the sensation of Julian’s lips pressing butterfly kisses along the crown of my head.
"Hey love." I heard the gentle words pull me from the warm and comforting darkness. "Thank the gods, you're breathing slower now. Are you okay?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. All I know is that I'm glad that you're here, even though this...episode was my own fault."
Julian's mismatched eyes widened, probably from hearing those words from me. It was ironic. I was more than support for the people I cared about, especially in my partner with Julian. I always reminded him that he was worth it and made sure he knew.
Sometimes I forgot when it came to me when I got lost in my own issues.
"Sweetheart, please don't ever say that about yourself." Julian pleaded, pressing his lips to my temple, lingering for a moment. "There only needs to be one person who needs to have all the dramatic issues and you already know who."
I rolled my eyes at him, a small smile briefly coming out before I fell back to my default status right now. "You always say that."
"I'm serious, love, all jokes aside. I don't like seeing you like this...you saying this as if it was your fault when you know for sure it's not true."
"How am I supposed to think it's not my fault when I can't even tell my mother to just shut up and leave me alone?!" I snapped, some of the tears coming back. "How can I be brave against the damn devil, but when it comes to my own family, I freeze up and I just want to run. I don't know much left I have in me to deal with my family. How am I supposed to love them when they cause me to stress out? I just want to live in peace and be happy. Is that so wrong for me to want?"
There was nothing wrong with that, and both of them knew it. However, the shadows in my brain tortured her, and the tears were building up again, but now more out of guilt.
“There’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is seeing you torture yourself like this.”
I sniffled, my brain just exhausted from the expense of my mental energy and my magic. "My mother sent me a letter saying she's worried that even with Lucio in jail that the plague was coming back and that we had to prepare." You explained slowly, sniffling as you were trying to breathe. "What happened with the chaos with the devil, almost losing each other again, still haunts me. And then that brought everything back up I tried to forget with my toxic family. And it created this…stupid reaction out of me. I feel so weak."
There was a moment of silence that fell between us; the only thing that could be heard was our breathing and my animals. And then there was Malik ruffling his feathers briefly. The only true noise I couldn’t stand to hear any longer was the shadows in my head whispering all things dark and beating me down relentlessly. I just wanted it to end. It’s been a while since I felt so low.
“Come on, love,” he said to me gently, shifting his weight so he could be on his back.
“What are you doing?”
“You are definitely in need of a cuddle session, and I’m giving that to you now.” My goofball of a redhead declared to me. Now fully laying on his back, he opened his arms wide. “Come to me now.”
If I were in a better state of mind, I probably would have blushed and giggled at him for looking so...ridiculous. But honestly more than ever, all I wanted was his touch and sleep.
“Alright,” I replied after shrugging my shoulders heavily.
Compared to me, he was definitely a giant. Even with a king size bed, his feet almost reached the end towards the mattress, but gods - he was the most comfortable pillow I know. As soon as I laid my head on his chest, my body just went limp around him. My arm wrapped around his waist and soon his heartbeat filled my ears again. His familiar and comforting scent filled my nose, and that pushed me closer to the sweet oblivion I desperately craved. Adding to that push was Julian’s calloused hand rubbing up and down my back, and I just wanted him to never stop.
“Getting any better?” he asked me gently, his warm breath tickling my skin.
“Bit by bit.” I answered honestly. “My opinion hasn’t changed, though.”
“Having emotions doesn’t mean you’re weak.” He tried to explain to me. “In all honesty, you being so tuned with your emotions and allowing me to see all of your moments: the good, bad, and in between has shown me that you’re one of the strongest people I know.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“We’re all human in the end, sweetheart. We feel emotions and oftentimes, we’re conditioned in life that it is better to contain it. That's a weakness to show anything we are feeling. But with you and your magic, you were never given the luxury to hold all of your emotions in. You trained yourself in a way to express them safely yet freely, and you know your breaking points. What I am trying to say with all of this rambling is that it’s okay to have breaking points and triggers. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you feel lower than dirt. You’re not that to me, but I’m going to damn make sure that you don’t feel that way about yourself either.”
To add to his words, both Apollo and Selene barked in agreement, bringing themselves onto the bed again. Selene quietly laid back closer to the bed and waited on us while Apollo had no sense of patience whatsoever. He came between me and Julian wiggling his way through, licking my face with kisses trying to make me feel better. I couldn’t stop the bits of laughter bubbling from my throat with his tongue tickling me. He’d definitely and thoroughly interrupted the cuddle session between me and Julian once again, but honestly it was worth it.
I needed to laugh again, even if just for a moment.
“Will you beat into my thick skull if I forget sometimes?” I asked, trying to smile and allow the love and happiness from my family to wash over me.
“Maybe not that way,” he replied with a mischievous smirk, “but I could think of a few other ways.”
“It sounds like we have plenty of time to do it.”
“At least until the devil comes knocking, which I highly doubt it would be at this moment. Otherwise, both of us are going to have to kick his ass to kingdom come if he tries to spoil this.” Julian suggested, chuckling at both wolf and dog agreeing with him as they all snuggled in with us. Now being wrapped up in this cocoon of fur and tangled limbs, I’m going to have to agree.
“I would send him straight to hell with one of my spells if that would help.” I replied almost too honestly, curling myself into my love’s side before letting sleep finally consume me. That earned a few more kisses to my head before I could hear the last few words coming from my lover’s rumbling chest.
“I’m pretty sure it would, love.”