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Shige walked into the dressing room and stopped to take a good look at it. After a whole year, the tour was finally starting. Truth be told, he had his doubts about whether they should do it at all at his point. Even the title song did not fit anymore. But they talked and talked and in the end, when it was decided, Shige realized he felt a sense of relief. Mostly because in their heart they wanted to do it and so did their fans. It was also partly out of duty and maybe a little bit out of spite.
It’s been two years since the last tour and looking at the dressing room of Yokohama Arena gave Shige a strong sense of deja-vu. So much has changed since then… Shige sighed and slowly went to sit on the sofa. Koyama and Massu went to talk to some staff and haven’t come yet. Shige was glad to have a bit of time to himself. He leaned back and closed his eyes.
Shige has been cooped up at home a lot and he didn’t mind it too much. The writing has kept him busy and he always had books to read and music to listen. Yet, now that he was here, he realized how much he needed it and the idea of being on stage again excited him even more than his recent literary award.
The tour was supposed to happen a year ago but that felt like much longer. So much has happened in this year and he was beginning to think Story would never see the light of day. And yet, here they were.
He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried that they were putting the staff and fans in danger but he also felt so futile the past year, that he desperately wanted to do something, anything to reassure the people who supported them for so long and who suffered because of them.
They have been through so many crises by now that it almost felt normal. They did not even have a hiatus this time. They just rushed forward, plunging into work, without looking back. There was no time to process everything that happened and the fact that they weren’t supposed to talk about it only made it harder. But now, in the quiet of the dressing room, the long-ignored feelings began to surface. It wasn’t regret or even sadness, it was a kind of melancholy for the things that were and could have been.
The dressing room was so familiar and yet, it felt different somehow. Too quiet. But if Shige closed his eyes, he could almost hear a distant echo in his mind, words and laughter, like a hidden track on the album.
Shige wasn’t sure how much time passed when Koyama and Massu finally came in. They were discussing food catering and Shige smiled despite himself. It’s random moments like these he really missed while spending time at home.
Soon enough they got quiet, each settling into his own ritual. Shige wondered if they felt the same intangible frequency, something lingering in the air of this room they occupied so many times. However, Massu seemed unaffected. He way sitting on the sofa completely relaxed, eyes closed and earphones on. Koyama was watching videos on his phone. It was a familiar scene, almost the way he remembered it. Except…
A staff member entered telling them the stage was ready for a rehearsal. Shige got up first, heading towards the stage. He couldn’t wait to set his foot on it.
All the way throughout the rehearsal Shige tried to chase away the feeling that something was going to go wrong. He couldn’t tell what. It was just a nagging feeling. It was stupid but it almost felt like the tour was cursed. Last time they tried to do it, he and Koyama got Covid. He could remember the endless nights in bed, drenched in sweat and delirious, seeing silhouettes dancing on the wall and feeling like he finally descended into madness.
The rehearsal went smoothly, even better than most times. Still, Shige couldn’t help but feel the spaces between the lines.
The shower hit him with a different kind of déjà vu. He could almost feel a presence. Wet fingers slipping down his back, lips ghosting over his shoulder, a soft humming hidden in the sound of running water. Shige turned off the shower and shook his head.
Coming back to the dressing room, Shige sat at his table. Now he had it all to himself. It was a little messy but he knew today nobody would say a word about it. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. For a moment he thought he heard a soft singing. He opened his eyes but the room was quiet.
“Are you alright?” Shige was startled by Koyama’s voice behind him.
“Yeah,” he said.
There was a pause but Koyama didn’t move and Shige looked up at him.
“It’s ok”, Koyama said, hand on his shoulder. “We’re gonna be ok.”
Koyama’s smile was gentle and a little sad. Shige nodded.
The make-up and preparations seemed to pass in a minute and soon he was in the corridor, waiting for the cue to go up on the stage. He knew what to do. He was just hoping that thousands of voices would be loud enough to drown the one in his head.
Shige entered the empty dressing room. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally but in the best way possible. The adrenaline from the concert was still coursing through his blood and his eyes were red. The tour finally ended. There was an overwhelming sense of completion and it was as satisfying as it was sad.
Koyama was still talking to the staff but Massu was here, too drained to fish for compliments. He was half-lying on the couch with a towel covering his head. They haven’t really talked but what they felt tonight was too big to put into words anyway.
Shige sat at his table, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tried to focus. The soft voice in his head was still there, but so much quieter.