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Harry was fuming mad Snape has gone too far now. Snape undermined his authority in his own class. After the war Harry had gone through the auror training and realized that he didn’t want to fight wizards anymore. Just as he came to this realization the headmistress of Hogwarts had owled him about coming to be the Defense against the dark arts professor. He was overjoyed if not a bit curious what happened to the last dada professor. Well, he learnt that after his recovery from Nagini’s bight, Severus decided that he missed his potions.
But the dungeon bat had really done it this time. After Harry asked Severus to come in and talk to some seventh years about examples of potions defense effecting each other. Severus went on a rant about how terrible Harry had been in positions and highlighted stories of Harry falling in potions and it effecting his other studies. If Harry was being honest he didn’t care what his students thought about him, but Severus had embarrassed him in front of the whole class, again. They were colleges now, Snape should treat him with a little more respect.
Well Harry was going to give Severus a piece of his mind. It was early on a Saturday morning when Harry decided to confront Severus. On the walk to the dungeons, Harry was playing out what he was going to say and how he was going to counter any of Snape’s snarky comments. By the time Harry made it to the door of Snape’s private chambers, Harry was fuming mad. He was so mad he decided to skip knocking and any pleasantries and barge right into Snape’s chambers. Harry really should have stopped and noticed that there were two voices coming from the chambers and he really should have knocked.
Harry barged through the door and stopped dead in his tracks with angry words lodged in his thought at what he saw when he opened the door. Harry could see straight to the back bedroom where Snape was. Shirtless. And with Madam Pomfrey, who was wielding a muggle syringe. She was going to pierce him. Harry’s anger turned to horror and worry in an instant. But before Harry could move or say anything Snape saw him. “Potter?!?” Then Snape snapped the bedroom door shut and locked. Warding it and silencing it so Harry couldn’t hear them or bother them.
Harry was stun, still trying to process what he had seen. Madam Pomfrey with a muggle syringe, Severus Snape shirtless. But that didn’t make any sense wizards had potions they didn’t need muggle remedies. After a few minutes Madam Pomfrey emerged from the bedroom and gave Harry a sympathetic look before existing the chambers. When Snape emerged from the bedroom he was fully dressed for the day. Harry wanted to ask so many questions, his anger was all but forgotten then but Snape beat him too it. “Consider it a professional curtesy I don’t hex you where you stand. Why are you here?”
Harry looked up into those dark eyes. “Did she hurt you?” he asked. “No. Now why are you here?” Severus replied coldly. “ I… uhh… you can’t belittle me in front of my students.” Harry said after he remembered the reason why he was there. “Is that all, you came here to give it out to me that I embarrassed you in front of your class? Well fine I will leave my humiliation of you to just my classes. Now get out.” Snape spat back at Harry trying to look as menacing as possible. Harry didn’t really hear anything that Snape had just said he was too busy trying to figure out what could be the matter with the other man to warrant muggle medication.
“Are you ill?” Harry asked. “No. And get out.” Snape tried to usher Harry back to the door out of his chambers but Harry just kept sputtering questions at him. Snape finally realized that the only way to get Harry to leave was to satisfy some of the younger man’s curiosity. So reluctantly Snape walked to his sitting room and pointed to Harry to have a seat also. Once Harry did, Snape state “I am not going to be rid of you till you hear more than one word answers hmh?” Harry shook his head no and stared intently at the older man to start his story.
With a long sigh Severus started. “Yes, I get a dose of muggle medication every day. There is a slight potion equivalent but it is more addictive and less potent. Madam Pomfrey has been providing my injections since I was a student here and even after the countless times I have told her I am more than capable of giving myself the injections, she still insists on doing it for me.” Part of Severus hoped that this would be enough for the younger man, but Severus should have remembered he was talking to Harry Potter. Harry still had a million more questions for the older man and after Severus had given his short synopsis, Harry started with his questions.
“So you’re not sick?”
“No.”
“And it’s not from Nagini?”
“No.”
“Was it from something my father did to you?”
“No.”
“Is it because you’re a vampire?”
“What? No. Why do people think I am a vampire?”
“So what is it then?”
“Testosterone”
Harry took a second to think on Severus’ last answer and Severus just studied his expression. There wasn’t a lot of people that knew Snape was transgender and he never knew how people would react to if they found out. Snape didn’t think Potter was transphobic but he still held his breath anyway. Unfortunately for Severus, Harry had no clue why Severus would be on testosterone.
“But why?”
“Merlin Potter, so I can be a man!”
Harry just kept studying the older man curiously.
“But you are a man”
Snape gave a little chuckle at Harry’s remark. It still gave him a little bit of gender euphoria to know he was still passing so well.
“I wasn’t always a man, Mr. Potter. I am transgender.”
A realization of shock washed across Harry’s face. Snape was a trans man.
“I had no idea.”
“And if you hadn’t barged into my rooms, you never would have.”
“Did my mom know?”
“Yes”
“Did my dad know?”
“No, I don’t make it a habit of sharing this fact about myself with people. Especially not after I started being able to pass. No, your father only mocked and harassed me with things he could easily see, and thankfully Lily never told him my secret. Now are you done?”
“I am not sure. Maybe I am for now. Does it hurt? The shots I mean?”
“No, not anymore. I got used to it after a while.”
“Did he know?”
Snape stiffened at this question. He knew Harry was asking if Voldemort had known.
“Yes. That was one of the things he used to manipulate me into joining him.”
They sat there silent for a moment, neither sure what to say.
###
Later that evening Severus was making himself comfortable in his living room near the fire with a book and a tumbler of fire whiskey. He was still trying to shake off the fact that Harry Potter knew his deepest secret. But Severus knew that if Potter ever told anyone he could just obliviate them. Obliviate them all if he had to, Severus thought. He would truly do anything to protect himself. But I mean what else was there to do if not protect yourself. Severus bloody well knew that no one else was going to protect him. No one else ever really had.
Severus stared at the fire for a moment lost in his bleak thoughts, when none other than Harry Potter walked through his front door. Again! For the second time today. Well, it was time to stop this right now, though Severus.
S: Why are you barging into my personal chambers, Again! Mr. Potter? What could possibly be so important that you had to come storming in without even a knock. Hmm?
H: There should be an LGBTQ group at Hogwarts! We could meet in the room of requirements.
Harry said while getting comfortable in the seat across from Severus.
S: Who is this we you speak of. I have no ambition of telling anyone anything about my personal life let alone this. Plus why would you want to head a group like that? Being the wizarding world’s savior isn’t enough for you, you need to go and be the savior for the LGBTQ?
H: I was thinking it would be nice for the students to have a place to make a community. To help each other with challenges and help those who are still questioning and unsure. I know talking to some of my students that they aren’t fully accepted at home and no matter how hard their friends try they can never truly understand what it all feels like. And I will have you know that I am not just an ally, I am pansexual.
Severus was a little taken aback by the younger man’s answer.
S: Ah that would explain why you had a crush on Malfoy and dated the young Weasley.
A blush was starting to bloom on Harry’s cheeks as he looked down at his lap. He didn’t know his old professor knew about his school time romances and crushes.
H: Oh um yeah…
S: I think it’s a good idea to start a community group for the LGBTQ students. But I think if the students really want one they should run it and we just let them know they have our support and that they can come to us if they need anything.
Harry beamed and smiled up at the older man.
H: You said WE!
S: Indeed. Throughout the years I’ve had a lot of students that would have benefited from a community group like that where they could go and feel comfortable being truly themselves. But the students will only know that I am gay. They are not to know the rest of what I am. I have allowed a few students in the past to know that I prefer the company of other men, but I would like that to remain the only thing the students know about me.
Harry still beamed at the potion master.
H: Deal!
Harry started to make himself more comfortable in the chair, even toeing off his shoes, much to Severus’ dismay.
H: So what are we drinking?
Severus shot him and angry scowl
S: I am drinking fire whiskey in MY living room, trying to relax.
H: I had more questions I was hoping I could ask you?
Harry looked away again sheepishly. He knew they were personal questions and that he and Severus weren’t really all that close. But he wanted to know more about the man before him. He thought his curiosity was just so he’d have some insights in case a student came out to him. But deep down he genuinely wanted to know about Severus. Not just about his transition but about everything! Did he like ice cream? If so, what flavor? Of course he must like ice cream, everyone does. Harry wanted to know everything about the man.
S: I am guessing that these questions are not about the LGBTQ group?
H: um no. Is that okay? If they are about… other things?
Severus let out a loud sigh. But looked genuinely at Harry.
S: You really want to know more?
H: Yes sir.
S: Well you have already seen me without a shirt on today. So let's hear them.
Harry’s blush grew brightened at the memory of Snape’s tone, pale torso, littered with scares.
H: um yes. I saw your memories, you were a boy growing up. How?
Severus studied Harry’s face before answering him. Wanting to make sure there wasn’t any malice in his question. When Severus didn’t find any he went on answering the questions.
S: Well I was never an outwardly feminin child. I always knew I was a boy and my mother humored me thinking it was all a faze. It was easy to convince people I was male when I was younger. As I grew I learned the proper countering and ogentation spells and potions so I could present the way I wanted. I learned to make myself look how my brain knew I should. Since my brain has always thought of me as a male, my memories reflect as such.
Harry just nodded his head in understanding.
H: So your gay? That means you were never in love with my mum?
S: No, I was never romantically in love with your mother. I did care very deeply for her. But to be honest growing up we used to talk about boys. It was hard for her to understand the whole notion that my brain was a males but my body was that of a female. She didn’t have a problem understanding that I was gay though. So that’s just how we got on. She just saw me as a male who liked men and I was grateful for that.
They both shared a quiet laugh at the thought and memory of a young Lily and Snape telling each other what blokes they thought were charming and handsome.
H: But then how did he find out?
Severus stiffened at the question?
S: Before you could accept the mark you needed to prove your allegiance to the dark lord. He made you expose yourself. Both physically and emotionally. We had to strip in front of him, luckily just him, and he made you show him your most embarrassing and vulnerable moments. It didn't take him long to figure out I was not like the other men. He used this to his advantage and along with his promises of power and respect promised to make me the biggest trouser… (Severus cleared his throat) snake.
Harry bursted out a laugh at the dark lord’s comment to a trans man about a packer. Severus’ lips quirked up in what one would think was a smile at Harry’s response.
S: Yes it was ridiculous to hear.
Harry got quiet then. And peered into Severus’ eyes.
H: So did you ever have that surgery?
Snape's breath caught in his throat and his anger grew as he remembered who he was speaking too. How Potter just asked him one of the most personal questions anyone could ask. Severus thought Harry should have just come out and asked that first, asked if he was a proper bloke complete with cock and balls. Harry knew instantly that he fucked up. Severus almost screamed for the man to get out before walking over to him and grabbing the front of his shirt before pulling him to the door and slamming it after him. Locking and warding it tight so no sound could be heard from either side.
Harry looked stupefied at the door for a minute. Had he really been that stupid. He asked THAT question. Harry didn’t even really care what Snape had under his cloak. Well maybe he did? But that was a thought for a different day. Right now he had to find a way to make it up to the other man. He’d have to start buying some nice fire whiskey and potion ingredients to send to Snape to start the forgiveness process. If forgiveness was even possible for him.
Snape for his part was so furious! How Dare He!! Snape spat out loud to himself. He was a true man no matter what surgeries he had or not. The surgeries didn’t make him a man. Severus was already a man since he was a small child. His anger started to be replaced with sadness and questioning as he got into a scolding shower. Flashbacks of his father’s words came back to him. Tormentors calling him a freak. Severus weeped to himself as the hot water washed over him. Fear crossed his mind a few times. “Am I not passing enough?”, “I really am a freak”, “Sometimes I think it would have been easier to live life pretending to be her”
That last thought was enough to jolt himself out of his pity party. He didn’t care how abusive his father was or how difficult life has been, there was no way he was going to pretend to be anyone he wasn’t. Even though he was a spy, he was still himself. Severus decided to call it a night, but the night did not call him, so he was restless the whole night.
###
Harry knew he fucked up. How could he be so stupid. Snape was a man. End of story! He layed in his bed thinking about what apology gifts he should get Snape. He also thought about what an enormous arse he made of himself. Why was he so bad at talking to Snape. Sure he had a crush on the Half Blood Prince, but that was before he knew it was Snape. But then again had his crush changed since he found out it was Snape?
That is when Harry realized just how long he has had a crush on Severus Snape. Harry was a little panicked at this new realization. Till he thought about the new information he had about Severus. Did his crush on Severus change now that he knew Snape was trans?
Harry shot out of bed, grabbed one of his robes and leaped out of his chambers.
No he thought, he has and will always care very deeply for Snape. Snape was the man of his dreams. And Harry didn’t care where those long wonderful legs led. He could very easily fall for Severus and had to make things right. Right this instant.
###
Severus was curled up in his bed. Eyes red and puffy from all his crying. Sleep was not his friend tonight, but then again it rarely was. So he just laid there, wondering what to do with his life. A knock at his door shook him from his thoughts. Why would anybody be knocking on his doors at this hour?
Severus trudged to the door only to find an equally disheveled Harry staring back at him. Severus was confused and angry the younger man was here after what he said. But confusion beat out anger in his head when Harry wrapped his arms around him and repeatedly said how sorry he was. And something else, wait what else was Potter blabbering about?
“Severus I am so sorry, I don't know why I asked that. I don’t need to know that no one needs to know that. You are a real man. Always has been as far as I am concerned. What you have in your trousers is none of my business. I don’t even know why I was thinking about what you had in your trousers. Well I know now why I was thinking about what's in your trousers… I mean after walking in on you half naked in all… and your perfect chest…”
“Potter what in Merlin's name are you blabbering on about?”
Harry just blushed at the realization of what he just confessed.
“um I was just apologizing for the rude question I asked you earlier. And was hoping we could act like something so stupid didn’t come out of my mouth.”
“Very well Potter. As long as you tell me what else you were talking about and why you are here.”
Harry’s blush grew fearser and he knew it was time for that gryffindor courage to come out.
“I am here to apologize. I had a realization that I didn’t want the man of my dreams being mad at me.”
It was Severus’ turn to blush. He was shocked that Harry hadn’t ment him. Nobody had a crush on him.
“Harry you don’t mean that”
“But I do. Listen Severus I had the biggest crush on the Half Blood Prince. My feelings didn’t change after I found out you were him. If anything I was a little relieved that my crush was ‘real’ in a sense. My feelings for you didn’t waver when you told me you were trans. I still have feelings for you, Severus.”
Severus was speechless. Was this all a dream? Certainly this handsome young man could do so much better than an old trans dungeon bat.
But Severus was thrown from his thoughts when Harry kissed him. The kiss was quick and a little forcefull. Harry quickly backed away.
“I am sorry, I am so so sorry. Severus I don't know what came over me, not that that is any excuse for just kissing you out of the blue. I didn’t mean to, there was no malicious intent…”
Harry was continuing with his babbling and backing away from Severus. Until Severus comprehended what was happening, wrapped an arm around Harry and brought him into a kiss.
This time the kiss was not rushed. It was gentle and loving.
When they pulled apart, they looked into eachothers eyes.
Harry could melt in those eyes. And all he could muster up saying was,
“Wow”
Severus chuckled.
“You are forgiven Harry. Now come along, it is late and definitly past your bed time.”
Harry frowned at this. Completely missing the point Severus was trying to get at.
“Snape I am a grown man I don’t have a bedtime”
Severus just took his hand and lead him to his bedroom.
“Mister Potter, please just humor an old man it is very late and I think we both could use some sleep. I suspect that we have some things to discuss in the morning.”
Harry finaly got caught up to speed and alowed Severus to lead him to bed. Harry for his part tried to minimize himself and stay at the edge of the bed on his side. That was all well and good until he felt Severus curl up behind him and snake his arm around his middle. Harry couldn’t help himself and melted into Severus’ touch.
That was the best sleep either of them had ever had.