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The bad nights turned worse. It didn’t help that there was ongoing tension between them, an unspoken disagreement that none of them dared to say. Mina knew that it was partly her fault, that her schedule was going out of hand with the expansion of the company she was working at, that she was barely home.
The engagement ring grew heavy every time another plan failed. A badly timed dinner that ended up with Nayeon eating alone, an emergency call from her boss that made her book an early flight, and a sudden rough downpour that forced them to stay at home rather than go to the picnic she promised. Mina didn’t understand how everything always went wrong every time she planned to propose. Almost as if—
Mina sighed, bringing the blankets close to her. The blankets smelled too much like her. It was almost as if Nayeon was in her embrace. But all she could feel is cold coming from the empty space beside her, a reminder that she’s somewhere far away from her. Her chest tightened, almost threatening to suffocate her, and she blinked to keep the tears away.
How did we end up like this?
————
The first night it happened, Nayeon was cooking dinner for both of them. Mina just came back from the company but she was immediately swamped with work again. Mina could only regretfully tell her girlfriend that she will try her best to make it up to her. Nayeon believed her because she always did.
Then her boss called, telling her that she has to go to Taiwan.
She could remember Nayeon’s disappointed face, the way she looked away to wipe her tears when she thought Mina wasn’t looking. Her forced smile was something she would remember throughout her face, her weak voice telling her “It’s fine” would haunt her in her sleep until she came back.
Mina could only do what she could. She held her in her arms that night, whispering promises and dreams. Next time, they’ll go to the Han River together and bring Kookeu along. Mina will make up for the time lost. Maybe even propose once the opportunity arises.
When Nayeon woke up, she found Mina packing up her things. She stared and stared and stared, trying to memorize every inch, every blemish, every angle.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s okay,” Nayeon told her with a gentle smile and a kiss on her forehead.
It’s not .
“Promise me you’ll wait for me?”
Nayeon looked at her, eyes soft and warm and home .
“I promise.”
————
The third time it happened, Mina was just hearing Nayeon’s laughter and giggles after so long. The joy rang in her ears, but the vibration in her pocket had to indicate otherwise.
“Emergency conference in Japan tomorrow. 9:00 AM flight.”
There was something different this time, something new. Aside from the disappointment and sadness on Nayeon’s face, Mina thought she saw anger. But Nayeon smiled, forced and tight, and nodded her head in defeat.
Mina wanted to run to her and wrap her in her arms. She wanted to kiss her frown away. She didn’t want to leave, not when the ring remained in her pocket and Nayeon looked like she was about to cry. This was supposed to be a romantic dinner for the two of them, a chance for Mina to finally propose, not a reminder of how shackled she was in her work and how she’s rarely there for Nayeon anymore.
“I’m sorry,” she said. Again.
“We can’t do anything about that, love,” Nayeon told her, bitterness leaking in her words. “It’s okay.”
Mina could only keep her mouth shut and watched as Nayeon cleaned up their dinner. The ring felt heavier in her pocket, almost as if it was mocking her. Mina sighed, fighting the tears in her eyes, and helped Nayeon with cleaning.
That night, Nayeon didn’t sleep in Mina’s arms. I need space , she said, and Mina gave it to her because it’s all she can do. If space was going to help Nayeon feel better, Mina was willing to give all the space she needed, even if the space between them tore her apart.
Mina left before Nayeon could wake up, leaving only a kiss and a promise to come home.
————
The inevitable happened on the fifth time she was forced to choose between Nayeon and her work.
“You said that I’d get to have you all weekend,” Nayeon said, voice and face upset. Her voice was rising with every word and Mina could only cower at another broken promise. “Why can’t you just tell them you can’t go?”
“I’m sorry, Nay, but it’s really important—”
“And I’m not?”
The words shot her right through the chest. No , she wanted to tell her. Nayeon was everything to her. The ring in her pocket, their toothbrush that stood side by side in their bathroom, their dream of owning a house of their own — all of it was proof of how important Nayeon is to Mina.
But Mina could only stand, frozen. Her heart was threatening to burst but her mouth didn’t seem to work at all.
“Am I not important to you, Mina?”
“How could you say that?” She whispered, finally finding her voice after a long moment. Her throat had run dry the moment Nayeon raised her voice at her. She never did that with Mina. Never. But her next words made the younger girl look up and speak her heart out louder.
“Tell me or I’m walking out that door.”
“You mean everything to me, Nayeon! Because no matter how different I was from you, you took your time to listen and understand. Other people would have left, but you... You didn’t force me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with, but at the same time you helped me break out of the shell I’ve lived in for years. I finally felt like I found myself again, Nay, and that’s because of you. You made me feel what genuine love was like and I was hoping you felt the same because I want to get married to you, Nayeon. I’ve been trying to get a raise so I could pay for the engagement ring and buy our own house... Because you deserve the world, Nay, and that’s what I’m trying to give you.”
Mina heaved, her chest both heavy and light with everything she confessed. She kept her head down, afraid of what she'd see if she looked at Nayeon.
She heard a sniffle once, then twice. Instinctively, she raised her head to meet Nayeon’s tear-filled eyes, and her heart broke all over again.
“How many t-times do I have to tell you that you’re everything I need?” she said, shakily, as sobs continued to rack her body. “What part of that do you not understand, Minari?”
Mina stays frozen in her spot, just noticing the new tears that were staining her cheeks. She couldn’t dare look at Nayeon without giving a reply, so she looked down once again and fiddled with her fingers. Racking her brain for every possible answer she could give, she barely hears Nayeon’s huff before noticing the older girl march back to their room.
“W-Where are you going?” Mina asked, seeing Nayeon pack her things, even taking her favorite hoodie.
“I need space.”
“I can give you space.” The desperation in Mina’s voice was evident. “Just please don’t leave me.”
Still, Nayeon continued to fill her bag with clothes as if she didn’t even hear Mina’s pleas. The younger girl was just standing by their bedroom door, worried eyes following Nayeon’s hands. I have to try again.
“I-I can go sleep in the other room. You can stay here, I’ll-”
“Mina,” Nayeon turned to face her, “Just stop. Please. I need time and space away from you.”
Hearing those words was like venom that poisoned Mina’s veins. She could feel the lump in her throat and her chest tighten as Nayeon zipped her bag close.
“Can I ask that from you this time, Minari?”
She could only sit on the floor as she heard Nayeon’s car drive off into the distance.
Please come back.
————
Mina woke up when she heard the door turn. It was quiet, the sun peeking on the horizon, but Mina could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She could only hope that Nayeon would keep her promise unlike her.
“Nay,” she breathed in relief at the sight of her lover. However, her relief was immediately flushed down the drain when Nayeon wouldn’t meet her eyes. Still, she continued to cling on that tiny ray of hope. “Nayeon, I—”
“Let’s break up.”
Mina didn’t know how the world remained still even when everything was falling apart.
“No, Nayeon, I—”
“You don’t have to say sorry anymore, Minari,” she said, softly. She looked tired, like all the fight had left her body. Mina could see it in the way Nayeon crossed her arms and hugged herself. “It’s okay.”
It’s not. It’s not, it’s not —
“It’s not working anymore,” she said. Her words seemed louder in the silence of their apartment. “We’re not working anymore, Mina.”
“If it’s about my job, then I’ll find a way,” she tried, desperately. She knew it was too late. She knew that she should’ve made this decision earlier but—
“You know it’s not just because of that anymore.”
She knew.
“I’m sorry.”
Mina watched as Nayeon moved past her and into their shared room. She remained rooted, the words sinking in her mind, echoing in the chamber of her heart.
She remained still even after Nayeon appeared again moments later, bags in her right hand and Kookeu on the other. It was strange how she was used to being on the other side of this situation. She wondered if this was what Nayeon felt every time she packed her bags to leave, every time she said goodbye.
“I’m sorry,” she said, again , and turned back. Mina wanted to pull her back, hold her hand and never let go, but if this would make Nayeon happy, then—
Promise me you’ll wait for me?
“It’s okay.”
I promise.
She was willing to let go.