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Why is it so hot in here?
I lean back against the wall, the painted concrete wonderfully cool against my bare skin. The room swirled around me, couples dancing, a mirror ball sending different coloured lights skittering everywhere, the sweet sounds of Cole Porter and his contemporaries and their songs of songs of love dying, love mistaken, love betrayed.
I thought I saw Jack O’Neill dancing with his ex-wife Sarah but when I looked again it was my alter-ego from the Quantum Mirror, her long fair hair shimmering in the lights, her head resting on his shoulder. Siler was dancing with one of the nurses from the Infirmary who was still in uniform for some reason. Teal’c was dancing with Dreya’c but I could see Shauna’c waiting impatiently for her turn. Across the room I could see General Hammond talking to my father, from the glances that periodically got sent my way probably about me. Serouche and my mother were sitting with them – probably comparing notes on my father. Jonas Hanson was standing in a little group with Graham Simmons, Narim and Orlan. They were laughing about something, sending little speculative glances my way. What were they planning? Martouf is dancing with Jolinar but keeps glancing my way as well. And there was Frank Deschanel who I briefly dated when I was seventeen, dancing with another one of the nurses. What was he doing here? Daniel swept by me dancing with Sarah Gardener, who stared over at me with a gaze that was pure Osiris. Shaure is sitting with her father and Skara, playing a game of Hare and Hounds.
I shivered. Osiris. Something is wrong - why was she here? My neck hurt and I put my hand to it to ease the crick but it came away covered in blood.
I was bleeding. The lights were too bright, blinding me. How come everyone else was dancing but not me? I loved to dance – I’m a pretty good dancer. But I never… One of my teachers from the Academy nodded stiffly to me as he swept past, Garshaw in his arms. In the corner by the door Binar and Anise were all over each other. Not a good image. Kinsey and Colonel Simmons are dancing cheek to cheek. Adrian Conrad leers at them, slaps Apophis on the back, making him spill his drink all over Hathor. Cassie is kissing Dominic.
It seems everyone I have ever known is here tonight, which should have been impossible since a lot of them are dead but that didn’t seem to bother them. And everyone had a date but me.
I shivered again. Being dateless was not unusual for me. When the only person you want to be with is the one person you can’t be with, you get used to being the wallflower. I can’t be bothered to pretend. I don’t want to have an emergency stand by date. I only want her.
The music is starting to sound discordant as if the cd is warped, it’s too loud curiously fuzzy. A shiver skitters across my skin. I don’t think I can be here any more: this room is getting way too crowded for comfort. Too many people. Too many memories. And she isn’t here.
I really don’t feel well. I should go to the infirmary. The Infirmary. Janet. She isn’t at the party, among the dancers, among the watchers. She’ll be there, in the infirmary, waiting for me.
I started to push my way across the room to the door but people were grabbing at me, calling my name. I tried to be polite but they were beginning to scare me and my neck was hurting so much that in the end I just pushed them off. Then Sara was standing in front of me but there was no mistaking who was in control. The back of my neck felt like it was on fire now, blood trickling down the bare skin of my back messing up my pretty dress. The dress I wore for Janet, because she said she loved seeing me femme for a change. Osiris raises her hand and the crystal in her palm glowed brighter and brighter, pain sending me to my knees now, my consciousness spiraling down into blood red darkness.
//Carter, hold on, we’ve got you. Teal’c, get Daniel and go to the Gate. Tell them to have a medical team standing by.//
What was that? I’m in the Infirmary but I don’t remember getting here. A headache pounded behind my eyes and my neck itches.
Janet appears, dressed up to the nines. Her hair is loose, framing her beautiful face, skirting her bare shoulders. She is dressed in a copper sheath dress, the metallic sheen accenting the curves of her body. I want her so badly right here right now. But we can’t do it on base. We promised. But she is so hot and sleek, smooth as silk. One look and I am lost.
“Why aren’t you at the party?” she asked.
“Something’s wrong,” I said.
“Well it’s never going to completely right. Don’t you physicists have some sort of theorem to explain that? You just have to make the best of things the way they are,” Janet said. “I thought you wanted to dance with me or have you changed your mind again?”
“I haven’t changed my mind,” I said. “I was waiting for you. But you never came. I want to dance with you. Only you. Anyway, no one else wanted to dance with me.”
//“What did she say, doc?”
“Something about dancing, I think. It’s okay, Sam. We’re taking you to the Infirmary now.”//
Janet?
“No one else wanted to dance with me,” she mimicked my tone of voice. “And whose fault is that, Sam? If you can’t even be bothered to make an effort.”
“I do… I am…”
“I don’t see it that way. I’m here when it’s convenient for you. When you’ve nothing else to do, no where else to be. You turn up at my house for meals and sex. It’s not exactly the basis for a long term relationship. When are you going to commit, Sam?”
No this isn’t how I want it to be. I have to be dreaming and I don’t want to argue with Janet. Not again. I have to make it right. I reach out to caress her cheek and she smiles up at me.
“Did I ever tell you that you look just about edible in that dress?” she reached up to whisper in my ear.
“No, tell me more,” I whispered back. The perfume she was wearing was driving me crazy. It was so her. Essence of Janet. My Janet. She told me more. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks at the things she was telling me, the things she wanted to do to me. No one had done the things to me that she did. It wasn’t just that she was my first female lover, she was the first lover to actually take the time to find out what I liked.
And I had discovered that I loved to please her as well. The rewards were just so… well, rewarding!
Better. Much better than arguing, going over old ground again and again. Even though I was having the best time I’d had for ages I could not wait for it to be over so that we could just go home and be ourselves. Together. Alone.
“Do we have to go back to the dance?” I asked.
“Of course. Everyone is expecting to see us. It’s an image thing.”
“But we can’t be together. I can’t dance with you.”
“You can dance with me any time, Sam. I’m always here for you.”
Always here for me. The pain speared me again, chills running through me. I held on to her.
“Something’s wrong, Janet. Something’s very wrong.”
She pulls away from me. “We’re together, that’s what wrong. Don’t you remember, Sam? We broke up. You broke up with me. Because you couldn’t stand the secrecy any more. Because you wouldn’t take the chance, make that leap of faith.” And then it’s not Janet anymore, it’s Osiris, her eyes on fire. The light burns.
//”She’s seizing. There’s some kind of toxin in the wound. Epinephrine, now!”
“Sam, I need you to fight this. Stay with me, okay. Focus. Osiris isn’t here any more. You beat her.”
“Sam!””//
The mirror ball goes round and round. The music sounds like something from a fairground. No one is dancing. They all watch. Janet and I face each other.
“Dance with me, Sam. In plain sight. Take the chance, please.”
Trembling, I reach out to touch her. The pain is gone now. I’m not afraid any more. Of all the bad things that could happen to me in this life I have chosen, being afraid to love Janet Fraiser is suddenly near the top of the list. I don’t want to lose her.
I take her into my arms, her head resting on my shoulder, her hand clasped in mine. We dance. Everyone is clapping. The General and my father shake hands. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
//”Okay, she’s finally stabilizing. The toxin’s breaking down. Sam, come on, open your eyes for me, please.”//
The lights go down. The music fades and I can hear the beeping of monitors, the rhythm of my life. I open my eyes. She smiles down at me and in her dark eyes I see the light of hope, the light of love, for me. I have a second chance. I promise I won’t waste it.
“Janet!”